Question:
Can you give me some advice on how to put the past behind me and move forward? I’m haunted by the mistakes I’ve made and how they have hurt my family. Is it possible to let them go and feel good again? Answer: Imagine your life as a road trip. On this road trip there are high points and low points. Some of the experiences are fun, some are scary and others are miserable. Each of these experiences is a location on your journey through life. These experiences do not define who you are. They are just places you've been. Just because you spent time traveling through Texas doesn’t make you a Texan. Texas was a location on your journey; it is not who you are. The thing you must understand about your past is that each experience — each location you visited — has brought you to where you are today. Each experience taught you things. Some experiences taught you about who you don't want to be now. Some showed you options in human behavior and the consequences of those options. Each experience served a divine purpose in your life. You must embrace what each location taught you, and understand that you are not there anymore. You are a different person now. The person you are today wouldn’t make the choices you made then (though that is partly because of what you learned from making those choices the first time). You cannot change the past, nor should you want to. Your journey taught you perfect lessons. But you can refuse to let your past define you now. You left Texas and you aren’t going back. Now, in this place, you get to choose who you want to be today. Here are a couple suggestions for putting the past behind you:
This is the key to a successful and happy life. Examine the past, understand it and learn from it. Then, leave it in the past and move forward. Put the lessons to work by making better choices today. Choose to see the past as a location on your road trip; do not let it define who you are. If you see experiences accurately, you will be grateful for the lessons and empowered to be a better you. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes Clarity: seeing yourself, others and situations accurately.
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Question:
I have a big problem with fear in social situations. I don’t feel comfortable and I worry way too much about what other people think of me. I have been trying to figure out why I’m so scared, and I’ve been trying not to feel this way, but it’s not working. Any advice for overcoming these fears? Answer: Yes, and this is an easy fix. Let me answer this with an analogy: The No. 1 rule of race car driving, according to the "Canada’s Worst Drivers" reality TV show, is to "look where you want to go." You will always head toward where you look. So, if you are looking at a hazard like a light pole or a parked car, you are very likely to hit it. Instead, focus your gaze on the empty space where you want to go. When you do this, your car will automatically head in that direction. (There is a great little clip on YouTube with a professional driver who explains this concept and how it works.) The reason this applies to you is that your subconscious mind will always follow your focus. You will automatically head for whatever you focus on. If you continue to focus on your fear, trying to understand it and overcome it, you are just going to experience more fear. Instead, you should focus on the opposites of fear, which are love and trust. Let me explain why: Fear is a selfish place where your focus is only on you. Love is an unselfish place where you have the ability to focus on other people. Trust (or faith) is a sense of safety, where fear is the feeling of not being safe. You can actually choose to feel safe any time you want. You can choose to believe your value isn’t on the line. You can choose to feel bulletproof and know that nothing anyone says or thinks about you can actually diminish you. Imagine Superman, standing in the street while bank robbers shoot bullets at him. Superman would just stand there are smile. They can shoot at him all they want, and it won’t hurt him a bit. He’s bulletproof. You are bulletproof, too. No matter what anyone thinks or says about you, you are the same you. They really can't hurt you. Feeling bulletproof is not something you gain through experience or education; it’s an attitude you choose, and you can choose it anytime you want. If you have been used to living in fear all the time, though, it may seem next to impossible to just choose to feel safe. But it is possible. You can do it. You just need some practice. The best remedy for social anxiety is to practice choosing love and trust right before you walk in, wherever you go. Choose to trust that your value is infinite and absolute. There is no person or situation that can hurt or diminish you. No matter what happens here, you are the same you. You are bulletproof. Choose to trust the Universe that whatever happens in this situation, it is what’s meant to happen. Whatever happens will be the perfect next lesson you need to learn in the classroom of your life. You are safe in this, process because everything that happens is there to teach you something and help you grow. This situation is no exception. It will be whatever it’s meant to be and you are safe, no matter how it turns out. Choose to focus on love for the other people who will be there. Choose to spend your time and energy focused on making them feel valued and appreciated. Ask lots of questions and show them you care by listening to them. Be so busy making other people feel comfortable that your own insecurities disappear. This works because fear cannot exist where there is love and trust. Think of fear as the darkness, and love and trust as the light. You can shine light into a dark room, but you cannot shine darkness into a light room. Where there is light (love and trust), darkness (fear) cannot exist. If you could make the conscious choice to feel bulletproof and to focus your attention on love for other people, your fears will disappear. So don’t focus on the fear, focus where you want to go. Focus on being the love and living in trust. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing self esteem and restoring hope. Question:
I have been trying to change some of my bad habits, because I know I can do better than I am currently doing, but I’m not having much success changing myself. I seem very stuck in my old ways. Can you give me some advice on changing myself? Answer: Many people struggle with changing themselves, and it’s easy to understand why. We, as human beings, are often change resistant. Many of our bad habits are deeply planted, subconscious programs that were learned in childhhod and were reinforced in our upbringing. Some were even passed down to us through genetics. These programs can take time to rewrite. The fact that you are aware of the bad habits and have a desire to change them is the first important step. You have moved from unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence. You may still behave badly, but now, you are keely aware of it. This first step, though crucial to the process of change, can be discouraging. The next step in the process of changing yourself will be forcing yourself to behave differently (moving to conscious competence). If you commit to a new behavior and keep practicing it, eventually it will become your new subconscious habit (unconscious competence). Here are a few unique ideas that may help you in that process:
Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in self esteem and changing your life. Question:
I get discouraged and frustrated too often these days. Life has become one exhausting challenge after another, and I’m not feeling much joy in this journey. How can I find more happiness when the daily grind is not any fun? Answer: If you are waiting to find happiness, you will be waiting a long time. Happiness is not something you find, it’s something you create. Understanding that happiness is a choice is the first step in creating it. Here are a few unique ways to create more joy, plus a few jokes to get you laughing today. 1) Be responsible for your own happiness. Understand that happiness is not dependent on circumstances. There have always been rich and successful people who are unhappy and poor people who joyful. Happiness is a choice. Decide that today will be enjoyable before it even starts. Llisten to music while you work, laugh at everything and do something nice for yourself. Choose a positive attitude and believe good things are coming your way. This positive attitude does make a difference. 2) Focus on what’s in your control. Get out a piece of paper and draw a line down the center. On one side list all the things that are in your control and are your responsibility relative to any situation. Put everything that’s not in your control or your responsiblity on the other. Don’t waste time or energy on those things. 3) Keep commitments you make to yourself. If you committed to going to the gym three times this week, do it. The more you keep commitments to yourself, the more powerful, free and happy you will feel. Keeping commitments to yourself empowers you and creates feelings of self-worth, which increase happiness. 4) Be grateful. Start a gratitude journal and take five minutes every day to write down the blessings in your life. Focus on the small things. Gratitude is the most positive emotion there is. 5) Be present in the now. Fear is usually about either the future or the past. Don't dwell in guilt and regret over things that are done and gone. This is a waste of your time and energy. You must move on. Think of these past experiences as a location you drove through, and don't let them define who you are now. Focus on who you want to be today. Don’t waste today worrying about tomorrow, either. You can spend time planning and working to create a good future, but do this without fear. Trust that things will work out. 6) Be secure. Trust that your value is infinite and absolute. Nothing anyone says, thinks or does and nothing you do, think or say can diminish you. You are literally as bulletproof as Superman. No one can make you feel “less than" or change who you are, unless you let them. Choose to feel bulletproof. Let insults bounce off and let negative people keep their yucky energy to themselves. Choose to believe you have nothing to be afraid of. 7) View others with kindness. Remember that life is a classroom and every experience is a lesson. You are here in a divine process of growing and learning and there is no situation which is not here for your good. Every experience teaches you things about yourself, people and life. If you can remember to see life this way, it will take away much of the suffering. Choose to see other people as the same as you. Give yourself and other people permission to be imperfect students learning to be better. 8) Be loving. Choose to focus on lifting and edifying other people instead of worrying about yourself. When you are focused on the good of others you are being an expression of your highest self, and that creates happiness. Be a force for love in the world. 9) Make yourself laugh. Read the comics section in the paper, search for funny videos on YouTube, watch a funny movies or play a prank on your children or co-workers. Fly a kite or buy an ice cream cone. Do something today that makes you laugh, and keep it up every day. Here is a chuckle in honor of approaching tax day: "Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China." -David Letterman "We ought to thank President Obama. He's made it a lot easier for people to do their taxes this year. No job, no income tax." -Jay Leno Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in self esteem and building confidence. Question:
I need some help dealing with anxiety. It’s not serious enough for medication, but I do worry all the time about everything. I was hoping you could give me some “life coach advice” on quieting the fears in my head. I drive my husband crazy with my worrying and I wish I could be more peaceful like him. Answer: Here are some principles which may help you change this. Principle: Worry never robs tomorrow of its problems, it only robs today of its joy. Studies have shown most things you worry about will never happen and the things which do happen are usually out of your control, so no amount of worrying could prevent them. This means that worry is a waste of your time and energy. It does not change the outcome of the future at all, but it definitely affects the quality of your life today. You may think that worrying protects you. You may believe worrying helps you avoid or prevent problems. It doesn’t. Doubt, fear and worry are not motivating. They sap your energy, leaving you less able to deal with real problems when they actually happen. Sir William Osler recommended living your life in “day-tight" compartments, meaning you focus on what is in your control today and leave the problems that might happen to tomorrow. Principle: Setting aside a specific time to worry makes worrying more difficult to do. Don’t try to stop worrying. This actually keeps you thinking about not thinking about it, which is actually still thinking about it. Instead, set aside a specific time in your day to do all your worrying. If worry shows up before then, tell yourself, “Not now, I’m going to worry about that later.” When the time comes, give yourself 30 minutes to deeply dwell in worry about everything that's on your mind. You may find it’s difficult to do it that long. Principle: You will find peace by focusing on solutions. During your worry time, instead of dwelling on your fears, focus on solutions to the problem if it actually arises. Spend time researching the issue and make sure you have all the facts. Dean Hawkes of Columbia University said, “Half the worry in the world is caused by people trying to make decisions before they have sufficient knowledge on which to base a decision.” Don't assume anything. Get all the facts, and solutions will be easier to find. Principle: Uncertainty is part of life, and it doesn’t have to scare you. Accept that uncertainty is beautiful part of the adventure of life. Not knowing what tomorrow holds isn’t a bad thing. Just because it is "unknown" shouldn’t scare you. Your future is just as likely to be good as it is bad. Most people would like to know exactly what to expect so they could prepare themselves, but there is a reason life doesn’t work that way: It would ruin the adventure. Life is a fantastic adventure with each day being a journey into a previously untouched place. It's exciting this way. Choose to trust the Universe that things will work out and you will be OK. If you stay positive and stay in trust, you are more likely to attract a positive future. Principle: Focus on being present, and you are always OK. Practice being more present in the moment, because you are always OK right now — and there will never be a moment when it isn’t right now. So you have nothing to worry about. George Macdonald said, “No man ever sank under the burden of the day. It is when tomorrow's burden is added to the burden of today that the weight is more than a man can bear.” Take everything one moment at a time. You can plan for future events, but don't hold fear around them. Choose your emotion in this moment right now. Principle: Fear is a choice. You do not have to be worried or scared about anything. You get to choose your attitude and mindset in each situation. You get to decide how you will experience your life. You can choose to experience each situation with fear or you can choose to ride through it with hope, trust and optimism. You can choose to focus on other people instead of dwelling on your worries. This makes a big difference. You may not believe that you have a choice about your fear — especially if you are in a habit of dwelling in drama and suffering — but you do. Fear is a choice, and so is peace. Choose to trust that your value is infinite and absolute and you are not here to fail. Choose to trust that life is a classroom and every experience a lesson here to teach you something. Choose to trust that things will work out for the best. Choose to trust yourself to find the solutions to problems, because you are meant to. “There is much in the world to make us afraid. There is much more in our faith to make us unafraid.” – Fredick W. Cropp Practice choosing trust instead of worry. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in self esteem. Watch Coach Kim on KSLAM every Monday at 6:15am Question:
I feel an increasing sense that something is missing in my life. I’ve spent my whole life trying to please everyone around me and make sure they approve of me — but I don’t like who I’ve become. I’m not sure I even know who I am. I think I need help learning to be true to myself. Any advice? Answer: Somewhere along the way you subconsciously decided to conform yourself to win attention, love or validation. You are now experiencing the emptiness that results from betraying your true self to please other people. Oscar Wilde said, “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” But all of us, on occasion, betray ourselves to win the approval of others. Here are some principles that may help you to be the authentic you. Principle: What others think of you is irrelevant. People can think whatever they want, but their opinions don’t change who you are. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” If you think you are a bad person, that is one thing. But what other people think about you holds no power to hurt you. Their opinions cannot diminish you. You are the same you regardless. At some point you are going to have to let go of trying to earn approval from others. You are going to have to choose not to care what they think. Today would be a good day to do that. Take your power back. Your opinion is the only one that matters. Principle: Comparing yourself to others makes no sense. You are intrinsically and extrinsically different from everyone else on the planet. You are on a different journey and learning different lessons. You have different gifts, talents, flaws and weaknesses. You are so entirely different you are incomparable. Comparing people is like comparing a cherry, a peach, a strawberry, a raspberry and a grape and trying to decide which is better. There is no way to judge that. They are too different to be comparable and they are all wonderful in their own way. There will always be people who are more pretty, smart, strong, tall or thin than you, but there will always be people who are less pretty, smart, strong, tall or thin than you — and there will never be another YOU. Make a rule in your head against comparing yourself to others. It’s a waste of your time and energy. Principle: The more you try to impress others the less impressive you are. Don’t conform or change your opinions to win the approval of others and change them again with another group of people. When you behave like this, people can't trust you. They can tell you aren’t authentic and they will quickly lose respect for you. People respect authenticity. Knowing who you are earns their respect even when they disagree with you. So develop and express your own ideas, sense of style and way of thinking. If you don’t know how you feel about a topic, own that, too. Ask questions and gather information until you do have an opinion. Be yourself and people will always respect you. Principle: Confidence comes from embracing the whole you. You can’t be yourself if you don’t know yourself. Take time to explore your personality, your values, your opinions and your beliefs. Embrace not only the good qualities about yourself, but also your flaws, faults and weaknesses. Your flaws, fault and weaknesses are a beautiful part of who you are — and they do not take away from your value. Your authentic self isn’t always pretty, but it is all perfectly you. Your flaws and mistakes also connect you with other people. Own them all and choose to feel comfortable being imperfect — everyone else is imperfect, too. Principle: Don’t define yourself by your past. You are not your failures and mistakes. They were just situations (or locations on your journey) and lessons you learned. They are not “who you are.” Your past served you by teaching you things. Embrace the lessons and let the rest go, like a city you drove through long ago. That place doesn't affect who you are now because you aren't there anymore. Principle: Be genuine and loving. Poet e.e. cummings said, “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” It does take courage to be authentic, but once you get there, it is the most freeing feeling in the world. Instead of trying to impress others, focus on loving, lifting and validating other people. When you take the focus off you and choose to love and validate other people, the real, amazing, genunie you shows up. Love is who you really are. When you chose to focus on loving others, the fears about your value disappear. Keep working at it. You can do this. The strongest force in the universe is a human being living consistently with his identity. ~Tony Robbins Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing self esteem. Watch Coach Kim on KSL TV every Monday at 6:15am. Question:
I’m at the end of my rope. I have a degree in accounting and business administration, but I’ve been looking for a job for 18 months and can’t find one. We are deeply in debt and the creditors are at our door. My self-esteem is at rock bottom and I am really discouraged. I'm doing everything I can to fix my situation, but nothing is going right and my family is suffering. Do you have any advice for me? Answer: There is plenty of information out there on finding a job; I want to give you something different. I want you to help you look at your situation in a different way, because changing your perspective can totally change the experience. Here are some principles that might change your perspective: Principle: This situation is not who you are. Don't define yourself by this situation and let it affect your self-worth. This situation is a location on your journey through life; it is not who you are. Think of it this way: If you were on vacation and driving through Texas, would that make you a Texan? No. Texas is just a location, and a location has nothing to do with who you are as a person. This unemployment situation is not who you are, either. Don't tie your value to it. Choose to see this experience as a drive through a rough part of town. It will soon be over, and you are the same you, no matter where you are. Principle: Challenges are in your life for a reason. Have you ever seen a chick trying to hatch from an egg? You might be tempted to intervene and help the little guy. But you can’t do that. Do you know why? This struggle is a divine process designed to make him strong. If you intervene and help him out, he will die. Your current situation may be facilitating the same kind of process for you. The universe may be letting you fight your way out of this one for a while in order to help you grow stronger. That may be the only reason help hasn't arrived. The good news is, you are not meant to struggle forever. You are meant to get out of this. If you keep fighting and refuse to give up, you will make it through. Principle: Don’t give this situation the power to hurt you. You are an amazing, divine, incomparable human being. No situation or experience can take that away from you (and no location can diminish who you are, either). Nothing can change your infinite and absolute value -- not even the state of unemployment. Imagine Superman stopping some bank robbers who pepper him with bullets. Imagine how he might laugh at their attempts to hurt him because their bullets have no effect on him. They bounce right off. You can choose to let these difficult experiences and failures bounce off you, too. They don't change who you are. You are bigger than these setbacks, debts and challenges. Choose to be bulletproof and maintain confidence in your abilities. You cannot be diminished by a situation. Principle: The past does not predict the future. Just because you struggled yesterday does not mean you will struggle tomorrow. Choose to see your life as a fluid state that is always changing. If things have gone bad recently, then you have an upturn coming. Principle: Optimism creates the best results. Imagine your life as a journey around a mountain. Standing where you are, you cannot see what’s around the next corner. It could be a wonderful experience or it could be a disaster -- it is impossible to know which the universe has in store. Standing in this place, you only have two options:
Choose to trust that good things are coming. Choose gratitude for what you have and believe a brighter future is around the corner. It may be the only positive choice you have. It is not easy to stay positive when the outlook is bleak, but you can do it, and it does help. Keep practicing. Whenever you find yourself in a frustrating, defeated or depressing situation, remember that it is just a location on your journey. It is not who you are, it can’t diminish you, and it is in your life to help you grow. Make sure you are seeing the situation accurately and then choose optimism, because the only other option is misery and only makes things worse. You can do this. Let’s perform a miracle together If you read this article and have any suggestions or connections to get this young father a job interview, please contact Coach Kim at [email protected]. I have visited with him and he's a competent, intelligent person and would be a great employee. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker. Question:
I often find myself intimidated by other people. I realize I make all sorts of assumptions about what they think about me, most of which leave me feeling intimidated and inadequate in some way. I can tell that those assumptions keep me from building relationships with people. Could you give me some advice on overcoming this? Answer: Intimidation and assumptions are caused by your own fears about not being good enough. Principle: Fear is the root cause of most problems. You must stop doubting your value. You must stop comparing yourself to other people. You are an incomparable being! You are intrinsically and extrinsically different from everyone else on the planet; you are on a different journey and here to learn different lessons. There is no level where comparing yourself with others makes sense. It would be like comparing a strawberry, a grape, a peach and a cantaloupe to see which is better. The truth is, they are each perfect in their own way. You are also a one of a kind. There will never be another YOU. This makes you irreplaceable and your value absolute. Remember, nothing anyone thinks about you can change your value. Principle: Assumptions about what other people think of you are usually unfounded. We all have a tendency to create stories that put us “below” or make us judged by other people. When you create these stories, you are usually projecting your own fears and insecurities about yourself onto these people. Most of the time they aren’t thinking about you at all. Principle: We have a tendency to see other people as different from us. We tend to see others as either better than us or worse than us. Your subconscious mind sees everyone in terms of good guys and bad guys. It will see some people as the bad guys (worse than you) so you can feel like the good guy (superior). Others your mind will see as the good guys (better than you) so you can experience self-pity drama about how “less than” or bad you are. Neither of these is ever accurate. The truth is, we are all the same. We are all amazing, irreplaceable, scared, struggling human beings in process. No one is less than or better than anyone else. We all have good intentions and good hearts, and we all behave badly on occasion, too. There may be some people who are actually “bad,” but they are the exception to the rule. Most people are doing the best they can with what they know and want to be good. When it comes to our value as human beings, we are all the same. We cannot cast stones at anyone else, nor should we put anyone "above" us. You must choose to step back and see yourself and the situation without “good guy/bad guy” drama. This more accurate perspective is a choice you can make. Whenever you experience intimidation, run through the following three truths:
You can only be in one of two places in any moment. You are either in fear and worried about getting love and validation, or you are in trust about your value and able to give love and validation to others. When I say to focus on love, I am not talking about being a doormat and giving this person whatever they want. You can handle yourself with strength and confidence and show them you value them as a human being at the same time. Choose to focus on making them feel validated instead of worrying about your value. This is a (love-based) giving energy instead of a fearful one. Make the decision to set aside your fears and focus on caring about this person who intimidates you. Focus on edifying them: Ask questions and listen to them and let them feel God’s love for them through you. It will change the experience. You can do this. “A man who is intimate with God is not intimidated by man.” -Leonard Ravenhill During the holiday season people are already prone to depression, but watching other people spend money on things you can’t afford can push some over the egde.
This time of year, many people leave the mall feeling depressed. Many experience feelings of inadequacy while shopping. Let’s face it: The mall can make you feel out of style and inferior. One shopper told me she feels good about how she looks everywhere else, but when she sees herself in the mirror at the mall, she is always discouraged. She usually leaves feelings bad about the things she doesn't have. We, as human beings, have a tendency to focus on what we lack. The problem is, this lack and the feelings of unhappiness it brings are not satisfied when you buy things. Any satisfaction you feel when you buy something new is quickly replaced by the need for other things you still don’t have. You can't win at this game. Is shopping mall depression a problem for you?
Tips for better self esteem while shopping
Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and entertaining speaker. Question:
I am suffering from a lack of confidence. I compare myself with others too much and I never measure up. I am very intimidated by other people and often don’t stand up for myself. I am starting to see the same tendencies in my children and I don’t want to pass this on. How can I help myself and my kids to feel good about ourselves — is there a cure for low self-esteem? Answer: If you want to change the way you feel about yourself and help your children to do the same, you must change the way you think about yourself. Here are some things to work on. 1. Increase your responsibility Figure out what your responsibilities are. Ask yourself, “Am I doing these things?” If you are letting things go undone, procrastinating doing them or breaking commitments you make to yourself, that must change. For example, if you commit to go to the gym three times this week. do it. You will feel empowered when you do. When you take consistent action to be responsible for your life and do the things you need to do, you will immediately feel better about yourself. Get help from an expert if needed. 2. Increase your ability to respond to life Read books, attend personal development seminars and choose to be around positive people. Read books about speaking your truth, trusting yourself or increasing self-esteem. Look for information on how to be a better spouse or parent. There is an unlimited supply of material out there that can help you to learn and grow. When you are in a process of learning, growing and becoming a better you, you will automatically have increased feelings of self worth. 3. Increase trust Trust that your value is infinite and absolute. Nothing you do can diminish who you are. You are a divine, irreplaceable, one of a kind amazing soul. You have value because you are a child of God. You are exactly who you are supposed to be and where you are supposed to be in your journey. Choose to trust this fact. Trust is a choice. You decide how you will experience each moment. You can choose to fear you aren’t good enough or you can choose to feel safe, important and good. Practice choosing trust. Your value isn't on the line, you are here to learn and grow. There is nothing to be afraid of. 4. Increase love Focus on loving, edifying and listening to people everywhere you go. Make the decision before you walk into a room you are not going to worry about yourself and dwell in fear about your value. Instead you are going to be laser focused on making other people feel valued and important. Can you imagine how you will feel on the way home if this is how you show up? When you are laser focused on love, fear cannot exist. Fear and insecurity are selfish emotions because they keep you focused on you. When you choose to be a force for love, your insecurities melt away. Be the love everywhere you go and you will discover who you are. Go get them with your love. 5. Listen to your children The best way to increase self-esteem in a child is to listen to them. When you ask questions about what they think and feel about things and really listen, they feel valued at the deepest level. Instead of explaining things, ask questions that guide them to discover the truth for themselves. Instead of lecturing, ask questions that help them understand their choices and the consequences on their own. Be a question-asking parent. Be a loving listener. This will also make you feel good about the kind of parent you are becoming. Help your children understand they are not their looks, their abilities or their performance. Focus more attention on their love for family and friends, their kindness and compassion. Don't give so much validation for looks, abiltites or performance. Focus on the qualities of their character — that is where they will discover their worth. I am not saying to discount their talents and good looks but to make sure they see "who they are" is the source of their true value — not what they do. Remember you are the one who determines your value each day. You can choose to listen to the voice of fear that says you aren’t good enough and that compares your extrinsic qualities to others. Or you can tell the voice of fear to be quiet and go away. You can choose to value yourself intrinsically for the irreplaceable amazing soul you are. You can choose to appreciate your love and goodness because it is really who you are. You can do this. “The tragedy is that so many people look for self-confidence and self-respect everywhere except within themselves and so they fail in their search.” — Nathaniel Branden Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of LDS Life Coaching and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a speaker and life coach who has a radio show at www.lifeadviceradio.com. |
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AuthorKimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio. Archives
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