This was first published on KSL.com

Question:
My young adult child is facing a whole bunch of scary decisions right now that will change the course of his life. He is having the hardest time making these choices because he is so afraid of making a mistake. I wondered if you had some advice for him since you often talk about fear.

Answer:
Whenever you have trouble making a big decision there is probably some fear in the mix. For many of us, this fear causes paralysis where it feels safer to avoid choosing than to take the chance that we will make a wrong choice. Most of the time it's one of the following three fear issues that is causing the standstill.

1. It's a fear-of-failure problem. You might be afraid that if you choose one option, you won't be able to be successful at it and will end up a failure. You might even believe you could be a failure just for making the wrong choice. Fear of failure is also in play when you are afraid of looking bad or being judged for your choice. All of these possibilities make it safer to stall.
2. It's a fear-of-loss problem. You might be afraid if you choose one option, you would be losing out on the other. Every time you come to a crossroads and have to choose a path, you are going to miss out on whatever is down the other side. This means every choice will have loss in it because you always lose something you didn't choose. It is common to get stuck here because the feelings of loss are so acute.
3. It's a fear of success problem. You might be afraid of the commitments and responsibilities that would come from choosing an option and going for it. This is really about being afraid that later, down the road, you won't be able to hack it.

It is helpful if you can tell which one of these fear issues is in play for you — and it could be more than one — because that will help you to understand which faulty beliefs are in play in your head.
Below are some steps I have used with coaching clients to help them remove the fear and make a love- or value-driven decision. Making a decision based on avoiding fear will never be the choice that is right for you long-term. It's much better to clear away the fear and listen to your heart (inner-GPS/intuition) to guide you.

Choose to believe that your value can't change

Choose a new belief that human value doesn't go up and down because it's unchangeable. This means every human being has the same intrinsic value as every other. This means no matter which option you choose, and no matter how it goes down the road, you still have the same value as every other human on the planet.
There is nothing you can do and no choice you can make that can diminish your value. These different paths are just signing you up for different classroom journeys; but no matter which class you are in, your value is the same.

Choose to believe that your life is always the perfect classroom journey for you

No matter which choice you make, the universe will co-create with you the perfect classroom journey for you. This means you are safe no matter what you choose. You cannot make a mistake; you can only make a choice and trust God and the universe to use that choice to give you the perfect journey you need to grow and learn.
If you believe this is true, there is no loss. You are never missing anything you were meant to have. You can never get less than the perfect journey for you. Listen to your heart and intuition; it's like an inner-GPS that always knows which path is the classroom journey for you.

Narrow the choices down to 2 options and process through them

If you are having trouble narrowing your choices down, put each option on a card and spread them out on a table in front of you. Play a game where you choose one to take off and throw in the garbage. Then, sit with what's left and see how it feels.
If you feel good about what's left, keep going. If it feels wrong, put that option back on the table. Play this until you have two options left.
Once you have your two options, put them through the following process:

1. Make a list of all the reasons you are scared to choose each option. What are you afraid of when you consider option A and what are you afraid of about option B? Set this list aside.
2. Write down the love/value/passion reasons you would want to choose option A and option B. What are the key benefits each option would give you? Try to come up with four benefits for each option. I have a free worksheet that takes you through this on my website (link in bio).
3. Rank the choices. Now that you have identified eight benefits total for both options, take those benefits and rank them independent of which option they came from. Figure out which is the best and most important in your life, based on your value system, and make it No. 1. Figure out which is the least good and least important in your life and make it No. 8. Then, rank the others in between until you have each benefit ranked by how important it is in your life.
4. Assign the following scores: Ranking No. 1 gets 15 points; No. 2 gets 13 points; No. 3 gets 11 points; No. 4 gets nine points; No. 5 gets seven points; No 6 gets five points; No. 7 gets three points; No. 8 gets one point.
5. Total the points and move the options. Take the points for each benefit and move them back to the two options. Total the points for each option, and one option will mathematically win as being more consistent with your values. This points process is much more effective than simply writing down the pros and cons. What you need to know is which option fits best with your personal values.
6. Try the answer on for a while. Decide that whatever option won is the choice you are going to make. Don't do anything to start down that road yet, but assume the choice is made. Then, see how you feel as you try on the choice (for few hours to a few days). Does your inner GPS feel peaceful and content with this choice, or is it still bugging you and feeling wrong? If you cannot get a peaceful feeling from this, then choose the other option and try it on for a while. See if you can feel calm about that choice. Sometimes your inner GPS doesn't agree with your value systems, and then you have to decide which to trust. I personally trust my inner GPS more, and most of my clients over the years have agreed. But you will have to play with it and see how you feel.

Understand that you are the only one entitled to the answer to this decision

You can ask others for advice as research and gather information before you decide. But at the end of the day, you are the only one entitled to knowing your perfect classroom journey path. Don't let anyone else push you toward the answer they think is best; they aren't entitled to the answer on this. Trust yourself.
The 10 years after high school are years filled with life-altering decisions, and anxiety is sure to accompany this. It's important that you choose to believe you cannot make a mistake. Whatever you choose will be the perfect classroom journey for you, so do your best to think it through, try these techniques, and then just make a choice and start moving.
Many people change their career or degree later on, or get divorced and remarried. These situations are not ideal, but they also don't mean you are a failure or made a mistake. Choose to see them as perfect lessons you needed. Trust that, in the end, you will be the best you and all your experiences will have served you to get there.
You can do this.

This was first published on KSL.com
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Question:

I love your book "Choosing Clarity." I work in it every morning and plan to for the rest of my life. I have a problem with my spouse, though. She goes on and on with negativity and has for 30 years. She claims it's a fact she is a loser and a failure. I just don't want to hear or validate that anymore. I could listen for hours, and she never moves to a more positive place. She recounts over and over every failure she can find. She is never interested in trying to see it a different way. She won't read your book or try anything to feel better. She has post-traumatic stress disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder. How do I proceed from here? I am so tired of it, and now she says I don't listen or care. I am just so tired of the same conversation that is so negative. What can I do?

Answer:

This is hard since you cannot fix or change another person. No amount of begging, pleading or trying to solve it will ever change someone until they want to change. This can be discouraging and exhausting.

The good news is there are some things you can do to maintain your own positivity and encourage your partner to want to change themselves. Here are a few suggestions:

Don't try to fix it or be responsible for it

Most negative people want understanding about the pain they are in; they don't want a solution. They simply want you to know they are in pain, scared and unhappy. Your natural instinct will be to find a solution, but all they need you to say is "I am sorry your hurting. It sounds painful. I hate knowing your hurting because I love you."

Don't offer any solutions, especially if you have offered solutions in the past. Allow them to be where they are and be responsible for it. If you offer solutions, they may think that you're partly responsible for fixing it, which you cannot be. It's not your problem to fix, it is theirs.

Just affirm that you love and care for your spouse. If they ask why you aren't offering solutions anymore, tell them you realized they are the only person who can change it, and it's best to just love them where they are.

Stop trying to change them

The more you try to change someone, the more they will dig in and insist on staying where they are. They want to be loved and accepted where they are right now, even when they are really hard to live with. If they can feel you are disappointed in them and wish they were different, they will resist any change even more.

Stop saying or acting like you want anything different. This creates a space where they will be more open to change.

Use the encouragement technique

You cannot change another person, but you can encourage them when they want to change themselves. This is how it works: Imagine the way you want your spouse to think and behave. Make a list of the qualities you wish they possessed and the way you wish they behaved if they were being their best. Then, look for any signs of that kind of behavior. When you see it, make sure you mention how awesome they are.

Be specific and tell them how wonderful it is that they are acting more positive and happy now. Tell them what an upbeat, positive person they are being.

The goal is to show them this is the person you see when you look at them. People always want to live up to your highest opinion of them, so they may decide to be like this on their own. Just make sure any comment you make is positive and don't respond to the negative behavior at all.

Change your belief about human value and make it the language in your home

The only way this person will feel different or think differently about themselves and their life is if they do some work to change their beliefs.

We all currently have a belief that we might not be good enough. It sounds like your partner even believes she is a total failure. This is not a fact, just a belief. It comes from a deep foundational belief that human value can change and has to be earned. As long as a person believes that, they will always feel "not good enough."

The best way to change self-esteem for every member of your family is to teach them a new, better belief – that all human beings have the same, unchangeable, intrinsic worth and there is nothing they can do to change that. Talk about this new belief often with your family and make it the language in your home. Your partner will start to get it if you talk about it often.

You could also offer to encourage them to work with a coach or counselor if they want to better understand the principle. It's better to let them learn it on their own with their private coach than for you to try to teach it to them.

Encourage your family to have compassion for others

The way you judge other people is always tied to the way you judge yourself. If you are hard on yourself, chances are you are also hard on others and quick to see their faults as diminishing their value. As long as you do that, you will also see your own faults as diminishing your value. So, if you encourage compassion for others and really work on seeing them as good enough, you will also grow in love for yourself.

Help your family to trust the journey as your perfect classroom

Share with your family the idea that we are on the planet to learn and grow, and the universe is a wise teacher bringing the perfect lessons we need every day. This means when we have failures, they don't change our value; they are just lessons here to teach us something.

Talk about this principle often in your home and let your spouse hear it. Don't preach it or try to teach it to them, though. Just talk about it as something you believe.

Understand this partner can be your perfect classroom

We tend to surround ourselves with people who can become good teachers in our journey. I wonder if this partner struggling with this issue can be the perfect spouse for you. What can you learn?

If you keep asking this question, the universe will provide an answer. Maybe it's to learn to love others when they are hard to love. Maybe it's about loving yourself or trusting God more. When you see your spouse as part of your perfect classroom, you can have more patience with and compassion for them.

(Note: This suggestion is not meant to be applied in situations that involve abuse. If you feel unsafe because you experience emotional, mental or physical abuse, you must seek outside help.)

See your spouse as scared, not negative

By attaching negative labels to your spouse, you're more likely to have less compassion for and experience more frustration with them. It would be more accurate — and more helpful — to see them as scared and lacking some skills and tools than to see them as a negative person. Your spouse is just a person who is struggling because they don't know a better way to process their life, but that doesn't affect their value at all.

Have some boundaries when you need them

Lovingly tell your spouse that you are sorry they are hurting and you love them. But it's also OK to let them know you can handle about five more minutes of negative talk, and then you'll need to either focus on some positives or leave the room. Make sure they know this isn't about them, but about what you need to stay balanced today yourself.

You can do this.