This was first published on ksl.com

Question:

For years I have said that I am socially awkward, as I can struggle in groups to feel comfortable. Is that something others experience, and how is it different from anxiety or just being an introvert? Do you have any tips for becoming more confident and less awkward with people?

Answer:You might be socially awkward, introverted or just shy. You could also have social anxiety. Do you know the difference? If you sometimes struggle in social situations it might help to understand these different experiences and see which sounds more like you.

Social Anxiety

Social anxiety is actually a mental health condition that means you struggle with significant and sometimes debilitating nervousness and fear in social situations. You may get anxious just thinking about being social, and you could get fixated on the possibility of embarrassment or rejection. People with social anxiety may avoid interacting with others at all and shut themselves off from relationships.

If you have an intense fear of being judged, embarrassing yourself, talking with strangers, or speaking to people, it might be worth talking to a mental health professional about it. Fifteen million adults in the U.S. have social anxiety, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. You are not alone in this and it is treatable.

Social Awkwardness

Social awkwardness is about fear of discomfort and not knowing how to interact the right way in social situations. Socially awkward people are afraid of judgment or being disliked and often find their conversations don't flow well. They aren't sure the right things to say and do. For example, they might tell jokes that others don't find funny or tell them at the wrong time.

These people might also be too loud, too quiet, or ramble without realizing it. They sometimes sit back and listen more than they join in the conversation, or they jump in at an awkward time or place. People who are socially awkward can have so much self-monitoring and over-thinking going on during social interactions that they miss things. These people just don't come by social skills naturally; they have to work at it.

Introversion

Introverted people aren't necessarily nervous or anxious; they just get their energy from being alone. They can handle social situations without anxiety, but being around other people too much is exhausting and can leave them feeling depleted. Introverts are quieter than extroverts, but they aren't necessarily shy, anxious or awkward. They tend to be good listeners, are thoughtful and dislike confrontation. Approximately half of us fall into this category.

Shyness

Shy people feel uncomfortable and hesitant around new people or in new social situations. They may also hold back in conversations and listen for quite a while before saying anything. Most shy people are introverts, but they don't necessarily have social anxiety or awkwardness. These people just like familiar people and places, and they don't like speaking in public or being in the spotlight.

How to be less socially awkward

Most of us can find some characteristics in each of these five examples that they can relate to. People skills are something many of us have to work at and practice. Here are some tips for lessening social awkwardness:

• Practice -- Social skills can be learned and improved upon, and you will get better at interacting with people the more you do it. Don't decide to avoid social situations, as that will only make the problem worse. You have to get out of your comfort zone if you ever want to get comfortable somewhere new.
• Use your phone for a quick break -- If you get overly anxious or unsure how to handle a situation, stop and check your messages. Taking a break for a minute to look at your phone can give you an excuse to step back and calm down. But, don't stay here and use to phone to avoid interaction altogether. You'll never improve if you don't do it.
• Breathe -- Diaphragmatic breathing is a powerful way to calm your nervous system down when feeling anxiety or panic. Take slow deep breaths making your stomach as fat as you can on the in-breaths, then skinny on the out breaths. This works your diaphragm and tells your body to calm down.
• Come to your senses -- Stop what you are doing and pay attention to what you smell right now. What can you hear? What can you see around you? What can you feel? When you get in touch with your senses, you get out of your head, and this really helps you quiet the overthinking.
• Exercise -- Research shows that regular physical exercise helps lower anxiety and improve your ability to stay mindful and not overthink.
• Meditation -- Allowing your brain to have some quiet time every day helps you find peace and calm even after meditating is over. It has also been shown to decrease anxiety and give you a sense of calm, peace and balance. People who meditate regularly know how to calm themselves at any time.
• Ask more questions and be a better listener -- The most powerful communication technique I could give you is to become a master question asker. It does a couple of amazing things. First, it quiets your anxiety because listening is less stressful than talking. Second, it makes other people feel valued and cared about, which strengthens your relationships. Asking lots of questions and getting other people talking is the best way to interact when you are nervous or unsure. Before you go into an event, think about some questions you could ask people you meet to get to know them better. Being prepared with questions will boost your confidence.
• Don't try humor -- If you aren't sure that something is funny or appropriate, don't say it. Humor requires confidence and being able to read the room. If you aren't sure about the story or how people will take it, it might be better to keep asking questions instead.
• Get a wingman -- Find a friend with great social skills that you can take with you. Follow their lead and ask them to include you in conversation when it makes sense. Even if you take a friend who is also shy or introverted, it can make you feel safer and more confident. Find a friend who is also working on social skills and practice together, then make sure you celebrate your wins.
• Choose open body language -- Watch other people's body language to see if they are open or closed. A closed person often has their arms folded and is turned slightly away. People who are confident take an open stance and even have their arms out. As you start to see this body language watching others, you can then start working on staying more open and friendly yourself. Make eye contact and smile at others, too. It makes a big difference in how other people respond to you.
• Know your value doesn't change -- You can be open, vulnerable, and take chances socially. No matter the outcome, you will still have the same value as every other human on the planet. No matter how awkward a situation is, no matter what you end up doing or saying, it doesn't change your value. You have the power to choose to see all people's values as the same and unchangeable. If you do this, you will quickly become more comfortable and at ease around people. If no situation can change or diminish your value, there is no reason to be nervous.
• Refute your negative thoughts -- It's really helpful to do this on paper. Write down all the negative thoughts you had during and after a social interaction. You might have thought things like, "No one likes me," "I am such a dork," or "I don't belong or fit in here." Take each thought and write about why it's not true or is a faulty belief or idea. Change them to things like: "Some people like me. And for most other people, I don't really know what they think so I can't assume it's negative. Most people are not thinking about me at all"; "I am not a dork. I'm just a human being battling fear just like everyone else"; "I don't need to fit or belong here. I just need to be friendly and kind and remember that we all have the same value no matter what."
• A social situation isn't a performance -- You might feel like everyone is watching you, taking in everything you say, judging you, or deciding whether they like you, but the truth is they are probably too focused on themselves to be paying that much attention to you. Most of the things you are worried about weren't even noticed by others. You don't have to perform, entertain anyone, join every conversation, or even try to impress anyone. So, take the pressure off yourself and focus on asking questions and listening instead. Rest assured that you are more normal than you think.

If you think you are experiencing social anxiety (not just awkwardness), talk to a mental health professional and get some help. If you are just socially awkward at times because of fear and insecurity, you might want to find a coach or counselor that specializes in overcoming fear and can offer you some skills and tools for improving your communication.

You can do this.

This was first published on ksl.com

Question:

I recently got out of a relationship where I was dating someone that really loved me, but I was not sure what I was feeling at that point. I had a lot going on in my mind, so we decided to call it good and part ways. However, we left the door open to getting back together in the future. As time went on, I started to have clarity of my feelings. I love this person with all my heart, but I also realize we both have things to work on in order to have a healthy relationship. When I needed space, my partner would instead give me a lot of love and affection. I would then push him away. Now that my life is in a better place, I am trying to get rid of this self-defense mechanism. I started therapy and I am also on medication for depression. I reached out to my partner a few weeks ago and he requested some space, which I am giving him. So my questions are: How can a couple get through phases like this? What is the best way to approach reconciliation between me and my partner?
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Answer:

It sounds to me like you and your partner have different attachment styles. One is pushing while the other is pulling away, and neither of you feels secure in the relationship. The first step toward reconciliation would be to understand what happened last time so you don't repeat it.

Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller wrote an interesting book on attachment styles called "Attached." In the book, the authors explain there are three basic attachment styles and we are all functioning from one of them all the time. But your attachment style can change with different life experiences, they say. Your attachment style is your way of functioning in relationships and with intimacy at any point in time.

What is your attachment style?

Understanding your attachment style can help you to see why you behave and react the way you do. Here are the three attachment styles Levine and Rachel discuss:

• Anxious: These people have a lot of fear of failure and rejection. They love to be close and connected to their partners, but they get anxious that their partners don't or won't feel the same way about them. They can be needy, clingy, insecure and easily offended or upset. They need their partner to reassure them that everything is OK and do it often. They need lots of intimacy and are prone to dramatic behavior when they start to feel they might not be loved. They also feel insecure if alone and are always seeking a partner to love them.
• Avoidant: These people have a fear of loss around losing their independence and having a relationship take over their lives and "cramp their style." They want a relationship, yet they often pull away, shut down, get quiet or get emotionally distant. They are sometimes uncomfortable with intimacy and can keep partners at arms-length. Sometimes they are overly picky in dating and hold onto a story that they just can't find the right one, but maybe they aren't sure they want to.
• Secure: These people find trusting, balanced, relationships come naturally and easily. They feel secure with themselves and intimacy, and they aren't easily offended. They don't function from fear, so they feel safe even through natural ups and downs. Their relationships tend to have less drama and more peace and security. These people are less reactive and can see that their partner's emotions and ups and downs are not about them.

It sounds to me like you might have an avoidant attachment style and your partner might have an anxious style. This is also the most common type of relationship, according to Levine and Heller. They think anxious people tend to attract avoidant people, and vice versa, so they can reaffirm the beliefs they both have about love and relationships.

The anxious person believes no one loves them and the avoidant believes love is smothering, the authors say. They each fulfill these beliefs for the other. These relationships are also the most difficult because the natural reactions and behaviors of an anxious person are the perfect triggers for the avoidant person and vice versa. This cycle isn't a healthy relationship for either party.

Changing your behavior

Here are some of the game playing, bad behaviors each type can display that triggers the other:

• Anxious Style: Excessive calling and texting and anger when there is no answer. Keeping score and getting offended too easily. Acting hostile and threatening to leave. Manipulation and trying to make their partner jealous.
• Avoidant Style: Withdrawing and pulling back. Not answering calls or texts. Finding other distractions to take up your time. Leaving whenever there is conflict. Lying and saying you have plans when you don't. Sending mixed signals. Never committing.

If your relationship is going to work, you and your partner should work to identify your attachment style and the core fear that is driving it. Are you afraid of failure and rejection and it's made you anxious? Are you afraid of loss and it's made you avoidant?

If the answers to those questions are "yes," then you need to decide what you both need and want in a relationship. You must do this without your partner because with them you might just list things you think your partner wants to hear. By working alone, however, you can be honest about your needs and what you think a healthy secure relationship should look like. Then be honest about whether you can really provide this for each other.

If you are avoidant and your partner is anxious, you both have some work to do on your fear triggers before this will work. Here are some things each of you can work on:

Anxious people can:

• Work on being more secure with themselves and knowing their value doesn't change based on other people or their actions.
• Learn to trust that the right partner and relationship will work; if this one isn't working, it's not the right one.
• Start trusting that the journey they are on safe in a relationship and they don't need to expect the worst all the time.
• Stop overthinking, mind-reading, being jealous and overreacting.

Avoidant people can:

• Work on identifying the loss triggers that make them want to pull back and practice staying even when it's scary.
• Trust that a healthy relationship will add to their life, not take from it.
• Work on being grateful for all the positives in a relationship instead of focusing on the problems and looking for red flags.
• Understand that in a secure relationship they will still have their independence and freedom, and the two aren't mutually exclusive.

You may want to work with your therapist or coach to help you lessen the fears that drive these behaviors. I would say that unless you've both done some work and gained some added skills and tools, you are probably going to repeat the same problems that broke you up the first time. However, with some added knowledge, skills and tools, you could make it work.

You can do this.

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:
My young adult child is facing a whole bunch of scary decisions right now that will change the course of his life. He is having the hardest time making these choices because he is so afraid of making a mistake. I wondered if you had some advice for him since you often talk about fear.

Answer:
Whenever you have trouble making a big decision there is probably some fear in the mix. For many of us, this fear causes paralysis where it feels safer to avoid choosing than to take the chance that we will make a wrong choice. Most of the time it's one of the following three fear issues that is causing the standstill.

1. It's a fear-of-failure problem. You might be afraid that if you choose one option, you won't be able to be successful at it and will end up a failure. You might even believe you could be a failure just for making the wrong choice. Fear of failure is also in play when you are afraid of looking bad or being judged for your choice. All of these possibilities make it safer to stall.
2. It's a fear-of-loss problem. You might be afraid if you choose one option, you would be losing out on the other. Every time you come to a crossroads and have to choose a path, you are going to miss out on whatever is down the other side. This means every choice will have loss in it because you always lose something you didn't choose. It is common to get stuck here because the feelings of loss are so acute.
3. It's a fear of success problem. You might be afraid of the commitments and responsibilities that would come from choosing an option and going for it. This is really about being afraid that later, down the road, you won't be able to hack it.

It is helpful if you can tell which one of these fear issues is in play for you — and it could be more than one — because that will help you to understand which faulty beliefs are in play in your head.
Below are some steps I have used with coaching clients to help them remove the fear and make a love- or value-driven decision. Making a decision based on avoiding fear will never be the choice that is right for you long-term. It's much better to clear away the fear and listen to your heart (inner-GPS/intuition) to guide you.

Choose to believe that your value can't change

Choose a new belief that human value doesn't go up and down because it's unchangeable. This means every human being has the same intrinsic value as every other. This means no matter which option you choose, and no matter how it goes down the road, you still have the same value as every other human on the planet.
There is nothing you can do and no choice you can make that can diminish your value. These different paths are just signing you up for different classroom journeys; but no matter which class you are in, your value is the same.

Choose to believe that your life is always the perfect classroom journey for you

No matter which choice you make, the universe will co-create with you the perfect classroom journey for you. This means you are safe no matter what you choose. You cannot make a mistake; you can only make a choice and trust God and the universe to use that choice to give you the perfect journey you need to grow and learn.
If you believe this is true, there is no loss. You are never missing anything you were meant to have. You can never get less than the perfect journey for you. Listen to your heart and intuition; it's like an inner-GPS that always knows which path is the classroom journey for you.

Narrow the choices down to 2 options and process through them

If you are having trouble narrowing your choices down, put each option on a card and spread them out on a table in front of you. Play a game where you choose one to take off and throw in the garbage. Then, sit with what's left and see how it feels.
If you feel good about what's left, keep going. If it feels wrong, put that option back on the table. Play this until you have two options left.
Once you have your two options, put them through the following process:

1. Make a list of all the reasons you are scared to choose each option. What are you afraid of when you consider option A and what are you afraid of about option B? Set this list aside.
2. Write down the love/value/passion reasons you would want to choose option A and option B. What are the key benefits each option would give you? Try to come up with four benefits for each option. I have a free worksheet that takes you through this on my website (link in bio).
3. Rank the choices. Now that you have identified eight benefits total for both options, take those benefits and rank them independent of which option they came from. Figure out which is the best and most important in your life, based on your value system, and make it No. 1. Figure out which is the least good and least important in your life and make it No. 8. Then, rank the others in between until you have each benefit ranked by how important it is in your life.
4. Assign the following scores: Ranking No. 1 gets 15 points; No. 2 gets 13 points; No. 3 gets 11 points; No. 4 gets nine points; No. 5 gets seven points; No 6 gets five points; No. 7 gets three points; No. 8 gets one point.
5. Total the points and move the options. Take the points for each benefit and move them back to the two options. Total the points for each option, and one option will mathematically win as being more consistent with your values. This points process is much more effective than simply writing down the pros and cons. What you need to know is which option fits best with your personal values.
6. Try the answer on for a while. Decide that whatever option won is the choice you are going to make. Don't do anything to start down that road yet, but assume the choice is made. Then, see how you feel as you try on the choice (for few hours to a few days). Does your inner GPS feel peaceful and content with this choice, or is it still bugging you and feeling wrong? If you cannot get a peaceful feeling from this, then choose the other option and try it on for a while. See if you can feel calm about that choice. Sometimes your inner GPS doesn't agree with your value systems, and then you have to decide which to trust. I personally trust my inner GPS more, and most of my clients over the years have agreed. But you will have to play with it and see how you feel.

Understand that you are the only one entitled to the answer to this decision

You can ask others for advice as research and gather information before you decide. But at the end of the day, you are the only one entitled to knowing your perfect classroom journey path. Don't let anyone else push you toward the answer they think is best; they aren't entitled to the answer on this. Trust yourself.
The 10 years after high school are years filled with life-altering decisions, and anxiety is sure to accompany this. It's important that you choose to believe you cannot make a mistake. Whatever you choose will be the perfect classroom journey for you, so do your best to think it through, try these techniques, and then just make a choice and start moving.
Many people change their career or degree later on, or get divorced and remarried. These situations are not ideal, but they also don't mean you are a failure or made a mistake. Choose to see them as perfect lessons you needed. Trust that, in the end, you will be the best you and all your experiences will have served you to get there.
You can do this.

This was first published on KSL.com
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Question:

I love your book "Choosing Clarity." I work in it every morning and plan to for the rest of my life. I have a problem with my spouse, though. She goes on and on with negativity and has for 30 years. She claims it's a fact she is a loser and a failure. I just don't want to hear or validate that anymore. I could listen for hours, and she never moves to a more positive place. She recounts over and over every failure she can find. She is never interested in trying to see it a different way. She won't read your book or try anything to feel better. She has post-traumatic stress disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder. How do I proceed from here? I am so tired of it, and now she says I don't listen or care. I am just so tired of the same conversation that is so negative. What can I do?

Answer:

This is hard since you cannot fix or change another person. No amount of begging, pleading or trying to solve it will ever change someone until they want to change. This can be discouraging and exhausting.

The good news is there are some things you can do to maintain your own positivity and encourage your partner to want to change themselves. Here are a few suggestions:

Don't try to fix it or be responsible for it

Most negative people want understanding about the pain they are in; they don't want a solution. They simply want you to know they are in pain, scared and unhappy. Your natural instinct will be to find a solution, but all they need you to say is "I am sorry your hurting. It sounds painful. I hate knowing your hurting because I love you."

Don't offer any solutions, especially if you have offered solutions in the past. Allow them to be where they are and be responsible for it. If you offer solutions, they may think that you're partly responsible for fixing it, which you cannot be. It's not your problem to fix, it is theirs.

Just affirm that you love and care for your spouse. If they ask why you aren't offering solutions anymore, tell them you realized they are the only person who can change it, and it's best to just love them where they are.

Stop trying to change them

The more you try to change someone, the more they will dig in and insist on staying where they are. They want to be loved and accepted where they are right now, even when they are really hard to live with. If they can feel you are disappointed in them and wish they were different, they will resist any change even more.

Stop saying or acting like you want anything different. This creates a space where they will be more open to change.

Use the encouragement technique

You cannot change another person, but you can encourage them when they want to change themselves. This is how it works: Imagine the way you want your spouse to think and behave. Make a list of the qualities you wish they possessed and the way you wish they behaved if they were being their best. Then, look for any signs of that kind of behavior. When you see it, make sure you mention how awesome they are.

Be specific and tell them how wonderful it is that they are acting more positive and happy now. Tell them what an upbeat, positive person they are being.

The goal is to show them this is the person you see when you look at them. People always want to live up to your highest opinion of them, so they may decide to be like this on their own. Just make sure any comment you make is positive and don't respond to the negative behavior at all.

Change your belief about human value and make it the language in your home

The only way this person will feel different or think differently about themselves and their life is if they do some work to change their beliefs.

We all currently have a belief that we might not be good enough. It sounds like your partner even believes she is a total failure. This is not a fact, just a belief. It comes from a deep foundational belief that human value can change and has to be earned. As long as a person believes that, they will always feel "not good enough."

The best way to change self-esteem for every member of your family is to teach them a new, better belief – that all human beings have the same, unchangeable, intrinsic worth and there is nothing they can do to change that. Talk about this new belief often with your family and make it the language in your home. Your partner will start to get it if you talk about it often.

You could also offer to encourage them to work with a coach or counselor if they want to better understand the principle. It's better to let them learn it on their own with their private coach than for you to try to teach it to them.

Encourage your family to have compassion for others

The way you judge other people is always tied to the way you judge yourself. If you are hard on yourself, chances are you are also hard on others and quick to see their faults as diminishing their value. As long as you do that, you will also see your own faults as diminishing your value. So, if you encourage compassion for others and really work on seeing them as good enough, you will also grow in love for yourself.

Help your family to trust the journey as your perfect classroom

Share with your family the idea that we are on the planet to learn and grow, and the universe is a wise teacher bringing the perfect lessons we need every day. This means when we have failures, they don't change our value; they are just lessons here to teach us something.

Talk about this principle often in your home and let your spouse hear it. Don't preach it or try to teach it to them, though. Just talk about it as something you believe.

Understand this partner can be your perfect classroom

We tend to surround ourselves with people who can become good teachers in our journey. I wonder if this partner struggling with this issue can be the perfect spouse for you. What can you learn?

If you keep asking this question, the universe will provide an answer. Maybe it's to learn to love others when they are hard to love. Maybe it's about loving yourself or trusting God more. When you see your spouse as part of your perfect classroom, you can have more patience with and compassion for them.

(Note: This suggestion is not meant to be applied in situations that involve abuse. If you feel unsafe because you experience emotional, mental or physical abuse, you must seek outside help.)

See your spouse as scared, not negative

By attaching negative labels to your spouse, you're more likely to have less compassion for and experience more frustration with them. It would be more accurate — and more helpful — to see them as scared and lacking some skills and tools than to see them as a negative person. Your spouse is just a person who is struggling because they don't know a better way to process their life, but that doesn't affect their value at all.

Have some boundaries when you need them

Lovingly tell your spouse that you are sorry they are hurting and you love them. But it's also OK to let them know you can handle about five more minutes of negative talk, and then you'll need to either focus on some positives or leave the room. Make sure they know this isn't about them, but about what you need to stay balanced today yourself.

You can do this.