This was first published on ksl.com

In this article, I am going to teach you a simple system I teach my coaching clients to help you find the right course of action every time, no matter the quandary.

To illustrate the process, I'll use an example situation involving your spouse asking you to do something on Saturday that you don’t want to do.

Here are the steps I recommend for finding the right response:

1. Take a minute and make sure you aren’t in a fear state by choosing to trust that you have the same intrinsic, unchangeable value as everyone else on the planet, no matter what you choose. Choose to trust that your life is always your perfect classroom, and everyone else’s perfect classroom, so all involved will learn and grow with whatever you choose. This may lessen the risk involved in making a choice.

2. Write down every response option you can think of. In this example the options may be:

• Do what your spouse wants.
• Do what you want
• Do something else so no one gets what they want.

3. Turn each option into at least two more options by listing the different attitudes you could have in each scenario. Write down what a fear-driven mindset and a love-driven mindset would look like for each option.

With this example, there could be six options:

• Love: Happily do what my spouse wants without any resentment or regret. I give this one to my spouse as a gift that is freely given.
• Fear: Do what my spouse wants, but be irritated, resentful, grouchy and make them feel guilty for compelling me to do something I didn’t want to do.
• Love: Do what I want to do and ask my spouse to support me because I need to care for myself and give myself this day.
• Fear: Do what I want but feel guilty, selfish and mean, because I didn’t sacrifice myself and do what they wanted. Beat myself up and ruminate all day with regret about my decision.
• Love: Ask them if they would be open to a compromise and choose a totally different idea, and do this with love and respect.
• Fear: Suggest an idea that would make neither of us happy, because if I can’t be happy I don’t want you to be happy either.

4. Cross out all the options that are fear-driven, prideful or passive aggressive. Leave only the options based in love for yourself, others, God or the world.

5. Choose the love-driven option you feel the most capable of doing.

If there is no way you can do what your spouse wants, as a gift that is freely-given and from a place of love with no resentment, then you shouldn't choose that option. Instead, choose to love yourself enough to choose what you need. This is not selfish. It's still a loving decision.

You cannot choose other people every time, nor are you supposed to. You must love yourself and other people equally, which means sometimes you choose to sacrifice for them and sometimes you choose you. This is healthy, wise and mature. This isn't selfish although you might have a subconscious program that makes you feel guilty if you ever choose you.

If you choose others too much, over-give and neglect your self-care, you may soon find your bucket is empty. Some people might also start to take your sacrifices for granted. They may start to assume this is just how it is: you sacrifice yourself for them all the time. You don’t want to create this.

If you have been giving too much and never choosing to love yourself, you may need to start choosing you.

Some people might not like the change and might even try to make you feel guilty and accuse you of being selfish because they really liked the old you. You will have to push through this, apologize for not honoring your own needs in the past, and remind them that self-care is not selfish, it’s healthy.

The trick to making good decisions is identifying the love-driven options and avoiding the fear-driven ones. Love-driven self-care feels safe and calm and it creates loving feelings towards the other person involved.

With practice, you will get better at seeing the love-driven responses and they will start coming naturally.

You can do this. 

This was first published on ksl.com

Question:

You talk a lot about marriage and how to have better relationships, but do you have any advice for single people who are alone or dating? It is a pretty discouraging experience and I go through times of giving up and times where I try yet again to meet people, but it’s often hard on my self-esteem. How can I have a healthy mindset around dating and being single?

Answer:

I'm glad you asked this question because I think you're right — there are lots of people out there who are struggling to be happy and date in a healthy way. In our culture, being single sometimes comes with a stigma that you aren’t experiencing the life you should be. This can create subconscious shame and a feeling that you should be somewhere else. The problem with this thinking is it hinders your ability to accept, embrace and thrive in your life right now.

I write often about your option to choose to believe you are always right where you are supposed to be, having the perfect classroom journey for you. This mindset helps you to settle into where you are and work on thriving there in the healthiest way you can. These 10 suggestions may help increase your happiness as a single person.

As for dating, here are some tips to consider that might make it more fun and less trying:

1. Remember your value is not on the line

You may fear rejection because you think it's relative to your value. It's not. Rejection from anyone just means they aren’t part of your perfect journey and that doesn’t change your value. You are the same person whether they like you or not. You can choose to experience rejection as a self-esteem crushing experience or you can choose to see yourself as bulletproof and trust that nothing can diminish you. You can choose to trust that your value isn’t on the line and, therefore, there is nothing to fear. This may make dating much less stressful.

2. Remember what other people think of you doesn’t matter

You are the same you with the same value as everyone else, no matter what anyone else may think. Their opinions can’t diminish you in any way unless you let them. You must not give this destructive fear any power.

3. See your life as a classroom, not a testing center

You are here to learn and grow. Every experience is a lesson, not a test. Your value as an irreplaceable, unique human soul never changes. Every dating experience is serving you with perfect lessons which can serve your life and teach you things. Every person you meet is there to show you something about yourself and help you grow. Most of these teachers may not stay in your life long. Practice being grateful for each lesson, no matter how it shows up.

4. If a person is the right one for you, they will like you no matter what you do.

If they aren’t the right one, then it won’t work out. This will leave you open for the right one. Either way, you are fine. Remember there is nothing more than this on the line.

5. There is a right person for you out there

You will meet this person right on time. This person will like the real you and you will not have to impress this person. They will like you even if you make a fool of yourself. You cannot mess this one up because it is meant to happen. If someone is the wrong person for you, then you can’t make it work no matter how "perfect" you are. It won’t work because it’s not supposed to work. Either way, you are fine. Do not attach any drama or emotion to whether a person likes you or not.

6. There is nothing to fear

You can go out, meet people and socialize without any fear whatsoever. You can do this because you accurately understand who you are and the nature of your life journey. If your value isn’t on the line and the right person will find you when they're supposed to, then you can just relax, have fun and look for opportunities to be kind to other people. Start focusing on giving, loving and edifying others, instead of worrying about yourself. You will be happier.

When you choose to focus on other people and making friends (and you stop worrying about your fears), it can become a fun and uplifting experience. Choose to believe you are right where you are supposed to be right now and that learning to thrive here is your No. 1 job. Seeing it this way will make you feel better.

You can do this 

Coach Kimberly Giles is a sought after Life Coach, speaker and corporate trainer. Visit www.claritypointcoaching.com and click on resources to get a free worksheet on fearless dating.