Question:
I wish I understood what was wrong with me, and why I cry and get so upset when I feel mistreated or cheated by people or life. For example, if I buy something and it breaks and I try to take it back to the store, but they won't make it right. This situation could make me cry, in the store, which embarrasses my kids. I feel so mistreated it hurts, and I think I'm hoping the person will feel sorry enough for me, and they will treat me better. It's humiliating to admit this, but I often complain and cry about how hard I work and that it does no good, life always goes against me anyway. I complain about my hard lot in life way more than I should. I hate this about myself but don't know how to stop feeling this way. Can you help me?
Answer:

It sounds like you are suffering from a subconscious victim mentality. Many of us learned as children to use self-pity to get sympathy love. Psychologists tell us the ideas, beliefs or behavior patterns we learn in childhood often become the rules that dictate the way we respond as an adult, even if they are ineffective and immature. Dr. Eric Berne wrote an interesting book back in 1964 called "Games People Play." In it he describes some subconscious psychological behaviors we use to get attention, validation, love or power (getting people to do what we want them to). I wrote a whole article on this last year you might want to read.
The Sympathy Card Game is one of the most popular games people play. This happens when you constantly talk about how bad you have it, how terrible you are, or how no one loves you or cares about you to get validation, love or reassurance from other people. People play this game on social media when they post things like “worst day ever” but they don’t leave an explanation about what happened. They do this because they are subconsciously wanting people to prove they care and ask what happened. This game is a subtle (and very immature) way to get love and attention and brings with it a high cost. You may get sympathy love, but because you are acting weak, you usually lose people's respect. They may give you what you want, but they won't necessarily like you either.
It would serve us all to take a minute and ask ourselves the following questions just to make sure we aren’t subconsciously playing the victim:

• Is there ever a time you might subconsciously act like a victim to get attention or sympathy love?
• Do you use your sad story to get people to behave the way you want them to? Or to give you what you want?
• Do you use your struggles to get attention or validation?
• Do you use your story to get you out of things you don’t want to do or to absolve you of responsibility?

It would serve us all well to be more mindful and watch for this behavior. If you see a victim mentality in yourself, here are some things you can do to change it:

1. Write an accurate description (on paper) of what your mindset and behavior look like when you are playing the victim. How do you show up? How do you think others see you? What kind of energy are you putting off? How do you think your behavior comes across to other people? Write about the payoff you are trying to get. Is it so great that it’s worth the loss of respect? Get a very clear picture of what you playing the victim looks like. Is this really who you want to be?
2. Identify your favorite victim stories so you can consciously recognize them. Is yours, "No one really cares about me" or "No matter how hard I try things always go wrong" or "You should feel sorry for me and let me off the hook for anything because of how bad I have it" or "I will never get anywhere no matter how hard I work." Own your victim story and figure out what you use it for, and then you can be on the lookout for it and consciously recognize when you start down that path.
3. Figure out who you could be if you let go of the victim role. What would your mindset be, how could you respond to life if you saw yourself as strong, blessed, capable, fortunate and whole? Could you see yourself as a champion instead of a victim? This may take a while to clearly see yourself without your victim story, but you can do it. Just keep playing with this picture in your mind until you can see it. Write down the qualities and attributes you want to own. How do you want people to see you? What qualities do you want to be known for? Work on choosing to be those every day.
4. Stop blaming others or circumstances for the way you are feeling. You are responsible for how you are feeling right now. Emotions may arise from your subconscious (this you can't control), but once they arrive, you do have the power to process through them and choose your mindset and attitude. (There will be some who disagree with me on this one and believe they cannot control their emotions, but they are usually the same ones who are suffering from a victim mentality and just don’t want to feel be responsible for themselves.) The truth is you do have the power to choose your perspective. If you don’t know how to use that power, you may need a counselor or coach to help you learn how. It is a skill and can be taught.
5. Choose gratitude. In the very moment you are dwelling on what’s wrong in your life, there are many things that are right you could focus on. Your blessings always outweigh the challenges. You may need to start a gratitude journal to help you focus on the good every day.
6. Change your perspective about life and how the universe works. Most of us have a subconscious belief that the universe is a dangerous place where we can lose, get crushed, hurt, cheated and unfairly treated. We see the universe as against us, messing with us, and even trying to trip us up. With this perspective we are always a powerless victim, who is blown about by chaos and bad luck.

This is just a perspective though, it is not truth. There are other options. You could decide to see the universe as a classroom created to serve your process of growth instead. You could see life as a wise teacher, whose only motivation is to bless you and make you stronger, wiser and more loving. You could see every experience as your perfect lesson. You may want to take some time and write down all the positives that have been created or could be created because of the hard thing that happened to you.
You could believe the universe is working for you and conspiring to serve you and educate you at every turn. If you see life this way, then the fear of loss, which is behind self-pity, will disappear. If everything that happens to you, is here to bless and serve you, is it really a loss? Or is it a hidden blessing to make you stronger, wiser or more loving? I explain this perspective shift in more detail in my book "Choosing Clarity," you may want to read it if you need more help with this one.
If you will work on these six things, you can break free from the victim mentality, see your life (accurately) as a classroom and you should cry less.
If you are reading this article while in the middle of suffering through some of life's horrible challenges, please understand this is a process. It is normal to feel like a victim when you have been victimized. You just don't want to live there forever. I strongly recommend working with a professional to help you find peace and joy again.
You can do this. 

This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question:
I read your News Year’s article about all people having the same value, but I frankly disagree. People who hurt others, destroy property or cause trouble are bad people and those who work hard and do right things are good people. I also disagree with those who want to give a trophy to every kid, so no one loses or feels bad, and I think you are in that camp saying that virtuous choices don’t mean anything and we should all be treated the same regardless of our behavior. How can I teach my children to be good people if they have the same value either way?
Answer:

Let me explain my philosophy a different way and see if it makes more sense. There are definitely human beings who behave in a more responsible, mature, kind, law-abiding (conscientious) way than others, but are they intrinsically of more worth than other people?

I personally would classify them as "more conscientious beings," not as having “more intrinsic value.” Can you see the difference?

I believe there are basically two mindset options when it comes to seeing the value of people.

1. The first philosophy says human beings must prove their intrinsic and extrinsic value, because they are both in question. I call this a “Life is a Test” mindset. This mindset implies that extrinsic factors like performance and appearance determine a person’s intrinsic worth. When we have this mindset we tend to compare, judge and criticize others and even cast people (especially people who are different) as worse than us, in an effort to feel better about ourselves. This mindset creates a subconscious class system of sorts, where we feel better when we classify others as worse, which can lead to discrimination, racism, arrogance, hate and mistreatment.
2. The second philosophy is the “Life is a Classroom” mindset. This mindset says that all human beings have the same intrinsic value, which never changes and is not on the line. It says that all people deserve compassion and respect because of their intrinsic worth. Even if some people are better educated or are taught to be conscientious beings, while others aren’t given this advantage, they still have the same intrinsic worth. The classroom philosophy says that you can have infinite, absolute, intrinsic value and still have lots to learn on the extrinsic level.
   
   

Understand that if we took a person who grew up with value-driven parents and a person whose parents didn’t care about moral values and switched their places from birth, they would probably turn out exactly like the other person did. This reality helps us to understand that we can’t get intrinsic value from extrinsic advantages or circumstances. We must treat all people as having the same intrinsic value regardless of where they are in their extrinsic growth.

This doesn't mean we trust everyone or want to hang out with everyone — but it does mean we respect everyone.

Let me explain this using the sports analogy you mentioned, because I agree with you that the winners should get the trophies. Having winners and losers in a game is healthy and teaches kids to work hard and roll with the punches in life, but they should also be taught that winning doesn’t make you intrinsically better than the losers. It just means you worked harder, were blessed with more athletic ability, or had parents who spent more time practicing with you. That is why you won, but winning does not make you more deserving of respect or kindness. You still have the same intrinsic value as the losers.

Your hard work and conscientiousness will pay off and benefit you in life, but your virtuous behavior does not make other people less than you. They are just "less conscientious" than you. They are in a different place in their journey.

It is really important that children learn this correctly, because if they start thinking that those who win are better than those who lose, this can bleed over into seeing people who are different from them as less than them. It is a short jump from seeing the T-ball team that lost as less than you, to seeing those of a different color, or who live in a different neighborhood, or who go to a different church, as less than you.

I think when you said you wanted to teach your children to be "good people" you weren’t talking about their value being higher than others, you were talking about them being conscientious, responsible, kind people who are driven by moral values and principles. This is something it would serve all of us to work on and teach our children, but it doesn’t involve being better than anyone else.

It is about virtues and principles — not value and worth. We must work on being good people without looking down on people who aren’t working on it yet. That is the trick.

Here are some rules for being a conscientious human to practice and teach your children:

1. See life as a classroom. You are on this planet to grow, learn, develop your character and especially to learn to love God, life, yourself and other people. Every experience you encounter is here to teach you something.
   
   
2. Understand that you have a unique set of classes. Everyone on the planet is in their own unique classroom journey. There will never be another person who gets the same journey as you, so comparing yourself with others makes no sense. Also remember that you have no idea what another person's journey has been like.
   
   
3. Be responsible for yourself. Work hard to take care of your own needs and don't expect others to take care of you. Clean up your messes, pay your bills, do the work assigned to you and take care of your things. (Having said that, conscientious people also ask for help when they need it and give help to others.)
   
   
4. Be respectful. Respect the rights of other people. Don’t do anything that takes from others. Respect their property, their time, their opinions and their feelings. Be on time. Don’t deface or destroy things that don’t belong to you. Don’t steal or say disrespectful things. You don’t have to agree with the opinions of others, but you do have to honor and respect their right to think and live the way they do.
   
   
5. Be kind. Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness (make this the core principle of your life). Make sure you apologize when you do wrong, say please and thank you, and acknowledge the people around you. Never say or do anything that is cruel, hurtful, harmful or degrading toward any other being (human or animal). This says more about your character than anything else.
   
   
6. Be honest and keep commitments. People would rather hear the truth, even if it hurts, is boring or is bad news. Be genuine, own your mistakes, accept yourself as you are, and expect others to do the same. If you commit to be somewhere or do something, do it. If you don’t think you can do it, don’t commit. Understand that people can feel dishonesty (in your energy) even if they don’t know you are lying. Being an honest person will create a positive, confident energy people are drawn to.
   
   
7. Trust the process of life. The universe is a wise teacher and it will always deliver the perfect lessons you need. Some of these lessons will be painful, but you will suffer more if you resist them. Accept them as your perfect classroom and work on figuring out the lesson. The sooner you learn the lesson, the quicker you can move on. If you don’t get the lesson, it will repeat until you do.
   
   
8. Be patient. This is part of trusting the process of life. The universe knows what it’s doing, and waiting is sometimes your perfect journey. Be patient with people and remember that a slower process of learning doesn’t make them less than you.
   
   
9. Be a giver. Look for ways to give, lift, help and serve other people. Give compliments, appreciation, acts of kindness, donate to good causes, let other cars merge in, hold doors open for people, and give good tips. There is a universal law called "You get what you give.” The more you give, the more the universe will send abundance and love your way. Be a giver and you will be rich.
   
   
10. Be a forgiver. Of course you will experience some anger, but don’t live there. Be quick to allow others to make mistakes, be imperfect and need more education, because you do too. Remember that offenses are in your life to help you grow and become wiser, stronger and more loving. Figure out how an offense (against you) served your education and it will be easier to let it go. Remember when you allow others to have 'intrinsic value' even though they make mistakes, you will have that same standard for yourself. Good forgivers always have good self-esteem. If your self-esteem is bad, practice forgiving.
    
    
11. Treat everyone as an equal. Do this because you understand the principle of intrinsic value. Remember we are all one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable human souls with the same worth — we are just taking different classes on a different journey. Everyone deserves respect and kindness.
    
    
12. Be mindful. Pay attention to what you think and feel in every moment. Understand you are the one in control of your thoughts and emotions. No one can make you upset, hurt your feelings or make you feel small, unless you let them. You are responsible for your inner state, your reactions and your behavior. Consciously choose a love-based response instead of reacting from fear.
    
    

All of these will take practice and patience, but reviewing them often and teaching them to your children will keep the goal in mind.

In my New Year’s article I talked about changing yourself and changing the world. I still believe you are either part of the solution or you’re part of the problem, and the problems on this planet won’t be solved by pointing fingers at others. They will be solved by working on YOU — the only person you have any control over.

Robert S. Hartman said, “The good takes time; one cannot be good in a hurry. … This is why peace will not come through so-called strong men. They look for easy and fast solutions. It will come through men of patience, compassion and humility — men of faith.”

You are the solution and you can do this! 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a coach and speaker.

This article was first published on ksl.com
Question:

Over and over everywhere I work, I end up being unappreciated, taken for granted and mistreated. It’s getting ridiculous that no one appreciates what I do and they seem to find fault in me even though I’m going beyond and above the call of duty. Things always start out good, but soon I can feel that they don’t like me and for some unexplained reason are holding me back, not giving me what others are getting or not supporting me. The more upset I get at this treatment the worse things go. I’m not sure if you can give me advice on this but I thought I’d ask.

Answer:

Whenever an experience shows up in your life repeatedly, you must start asking two questions.

1) What is this experience here to teach me?

2) How am I creating this and responsible for it?

It is much easier to continue to blame the problem on everyone else, but if you do, you will never get off this merry-go-round and the lesson will keep repeating.

Life is a classroom, and you are here to learn. If the lesson keeps coming back, it is because you haven’t got it yet. I believe you are here in the classroom of life to learn one main lesson (and a whole lot of smaller ones). The main lesson is to get control over yourself so you have the power to become the best you and choose love over fear in every situation. Every lesson is, at its core, about learning to love God, life, yourself and other people. This experience is no exception.

From reading your whole letter, it looks like you are afraid of failure and loss. You are afraid of not being appreciated everywhere you work, because you are probably subconsciously afraid you aren’t good enough (the fear of failure). You are afraid of being mistreated because you are subconsciously afraid that you will not get the life you want and that life is unfair (the fear of loss).

Both of these fears create bad energy that other people can feel from you. All they feel is neediness, selfishness, anger and entitlement coming from you. I’m not saying you are any of these things — but this is what other people feel when you are in fear of failure or loss. Does that make sense?

The bottom line is your fear is making you look bad.

This is what fear does, especially in the workplace. Think of it this way, fear is the opposite of confidence, peace, energy, security, giving and serving. People who show up at work with love energy (something they can only have if they aren’t afraid) are seen as having those qualities. People are naturally drawn to these people and they are appreciated and treated well.

People who are scared they aren’t going to be liked or treated right show up with scarcity, selfish, insecure, needy energy that pushes people away from them.

This is just universal law. The more unappreciated energy you bring into your situation, the more unappreciated you will be. You will get what you are creating.

You are responsible for these result because you are choosing the experience subconsciously. This may take some thinking to get your head around it — but it is very important that you own the responsibility for creating your current situation. It is the only way you will have the power to create something different.

If you don’t own the problem, you can’t fix it. If you give ownership to others by blaming them and casting them as the bad guy, expecting them to change and give you what you want, you are giving away your power.

Everyone reading this article should take a minute and think about destructive patterns showing up in your life over and over. Have you had health problems your whole life, relationship problems, people problems? Can you see a pattern of feeling a certain way in all of the experiences? Can you sum it up in one sentence? I always feel _____________? Can you see a fear behind it? Is it tied to failure, or not feeling good enough or loved? Or is it more about being mistreated or taken from? Are you tired of it?

The good news is you are in the driver's seat of your life.

If you want to create different results, you are going to have to choose to see yourself and your life differently. You are going to need to choose a trust and love attitude towards your value and your journey — and I promise you can turn this whole thing around.

(I’m going to give you some instructions on how, but you may the need the support of a professional to hold you accountable and help you make these changes to your subconscious programming.)

You must choose to trust that you are good enough all the time. Life is a classroom, not a test, and therefore every mistake is a lesson that does not affect your value. Your value as a person is infinite and absolute because you are a one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable human soul who is here to learn. This means you do not need appreciation from anyone to validate your worth. Your sense of worth must come from within so you aren’t needy.

As you practice internalizing this real truth about your value, you will become more peaceful, secure, happy and loving. You will then be able to show up for others with no strings attached and give gifts of service to others (even at work) without needing appreciation in return. The people you work with will feel this. They will know that you need nothing and they will start to appreciate you. I know it sounds counter-intutive that in order to get appreciated you must stop needing appreciation — but that is how it works.

You must also choose to trust that your life is providing the perfect classroom journey for you. So if you are mistreated, it is just a lesson. It is not about your value. It is about giving you a chance to experience the situation and learn something about love from it. This situation may be about learning to forgive others for not being perfect, because in doing so you will also learn to love yourself more fully. It might be about learning how to choose a happy state even when things go wrong, or to trust God more fully, or to let go of your expectations and trust the universe that it knows what it’s doing.

When you let go of needing this situation to meet your expectations, trust the process of life, and choose to be happy where you are, you will show up strong, confident, capable and solid. People will respect this and they will treat you better.

You must stop the neediness for better treatment in order to feel happy and be treated better. (There are some situations, though, where your perfect lesson might be about getting strong enough to leave, but you must even do this in trust and love without any anger or victim energy, fully grounded in love and forgiveness, if you want to stop the cycle.)

This is going to be a battle to change your subconscious programming and stop the destructive cycle, but the answer is simple, it just takes work, awareness and practice to master. The best time to start working on it is today.

(It is hard to get this kind of complex principle from one article. You may want to read my book "Choosing Clarity" to learn more about it.) 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a coach and speaker.

This article was first published on ksl.com

Question:

Things at work have been extra stressful lately. With changes in management, policies and procedures I find myself missing important deadlines. This leaves me feeling unnecessarily rushed, stressed and incompetent. Any suggestions for helping me get my act together at work?

Answer:

In order to properly address your question I would ask if this is an external (work) or internal (you) problem or a mixture of both?

Ask yourself if you are missing deadlines because you are worried you will not measure up to new responsibilities. Are you afraid of looking bad to the new boss? Are you falling behind because you do not like the new management or its rules? Is there any part of you that is resisting the changes you are now required to make? These questions can help you realize if this is an external or internal problem.

As children we were required, encouraged and/or forced to do many things. Now as adults many of us feel resentment when asked to do things we do not want to do. That includes things we know are good for us. We feel rebellious and subconsciously resist being pushed. This could cause some subconscious sabotage at work.

In every dimension of life there needs to be accountability. This means learning to hold yourself accountable, be responsible and to do what is asked of you, whether you want to or not. This also applies to tasks you are trying to force yourself to do that don't involve other people. Achieving personal goals takes time, commitment and dedicated effort. Like an out-of-shape muscle our personal-responsibility muscle needs to be consistently worked on, to keep it strong and in shape.

If missing deadlines is something you have always struggled with consider what Linda Galindo writes about in her book "The 85% Solution."

“You can keep doing what hasn't worked for you in the past if you want to, but it's not going to work for you in the future, either," the book reads. "A lack of personal accountability is at the heart of chronic stress. It saps us of productivity. It wastes our time. It makes us less satisfied with our jobs, our relationships and ourselves.”

On her blog Galindo states. “If you don’t like structure, you probably need it. What will seem counterintuitive at first is the amount of structure required to realize lower stress, greater productivity and the satisfaction of completing each day completely in time.”

Galindo recommends that you schedule each step to increase your productivity.

“When you agree to do something, put on your calendar the time it will require, not only the deadline. If you are going to write a report, for example, block time for research, writing and revision. When you schedule a meeting set aside time to prepare for the meeting and for follow-up activities such as preparing and distributing the minutes.”

Maybe you have generally been able to meet your deadlines in the past and you are now experiencing growing pains in a restructuring environment. Realize these challenges may be temporary but still require you to put in extra time until you are in a workable rhythm with the increased demands.

If you have determined the problem is external and cannot be fixed by becoming more organized or spending more time at the office you may need to get creative to find solutions.

Are there others in the company who would be willing and available assist you with some of your assignments?

Is there anything you have been asked to do that isn’t time sensitive that you can table until the prioritized projects are completed?

Do you need to request extra help be hired?

If the problem is a combination of external and internal factors the most important thing you can do is to be very clear about what you can and can’t reasonably do within the timeframe provided. Often fear of not wanting to be the employee who can’t get it done may tempt you to take on too much. This will cause extra stress and in such an environment you will make more mistakes.

The next important step is to make sure that you follow through 100 percent on any commitments you have made. If snags come up and challenge the deadline or pending results on the projects you have agreed to, speak up as soon as possible. When you do fall short on not getting the job done and done well — own up to it 100 percent.

You brought up feeling incompetent. The way to ensure you can trust yourself and feel confident in what you do, is to accept your wins and your losses are not you and don't affect your value. You must separate your intrinsic value from your performance and work. When you do make mistakes, make no excuses. People will respect you more, and you will respect yourself more when you take your licks, learn from them, and recommit to doing whatever it takes to not let the same mistake happen again.

Our losses teach us much more than our wins ever could. The only man who hasn’t fallen is the one who never got up and tried. Being a person of integrity is being someone who takes full accountability when they mess up.

Pay attention to any thoughts you have along the way that tell you lies such as: you aren’t smart enough, educated enough, experienced enough, etc. Challenge these thoughts and work to see the situation and yourself in the situation accurately. Make the decision to see your life as a classroom with lessons to practice each day you give yourself (and others) permission and space to be a work in progress.

Everyone feels in over his or her head at times, but if you are taking steps to ensure you have what you need to accomplish every task in a workable timeframe and then go about doing everything in your power to make it happen your confidence in your abilities will grow and you will find a new level of success.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. Shauna Jensen, who co-wrote this article, is also a popular local Claritypoint Coach.