I have received some questions recently asking how to set better boundaries. Many of us try so hard to be a nice person that we end up being a doormat, and this is something we must change if we want to be emotionally healthy and have good relationships.
Practicing self-sacrifice all the time is not sustainable. You must learn how to have a balance between caring for others and caring for yourself. This shift is probably going to push you out of your comfort zone, and it might make the people around you (who are used to you not having needs) get bent out of shape. They may not like it at first, but you have to start making your own needs matter.
In order to change this behavior, you must figure out why you don't enforce boundaries and make your own needs important. It is usually one or more of these four fear-based beliefs that are behind the behavior:

1. You can’t be seen as selfish. You believe that taking care of yourself makes you a bad person and that good people are unselfish and sacrifice themselves. If you think this way, other people can easily use guilt to manipulate you. They may not do it consciously, but they subconsciously know the rules of engagement with you and what technique works to get what they want. The truth is, self-care isn’t selfish; it’s wise. If you make sure your own needs are met, you will have more to give others.
2. You might be rejected if you don’t give others what they want. You may fear what other people think of you, and you might believe you need their approval to feel safe or have value. This leads you to betray yourself and your own needs to get validation that others like you. You must get used to the idea of other people not being happy with you, and that it’s not the end of the world. If you try to make everyone else happy all the time, you will end up with nothing left to give.
3. You can’t handle confrontation. You might believe it’s safer to betray yourself than risk having a fight. You might be subconsciously afraid conflict will lead to rejection. Take stock of how much conflict scares you. Are you willing to betray yourself to avoid it? The truth is, you can usually enforce boundaries in a kind way that won't lead to conflict.
4. Putting others needs before your own makes you righteous. Caring about others and being a righteous person does not require you to treat yourself poorly. Scripture says to love your neighbor as yourself, not instead of yourself. You are more righteous when you love yourself along with loving others.

Which of these fear-based beliefs is driving your doormat behavior?

Once you understand the fear behind your weakness (and over-giving), you can write some new, more accurate rules of conduct for yourself. You must officially give yourself permission to change these beliefs and adopt some more accurate ones. The following new beliefs will help you to do this:

• What other people think of you is irrelevant. You are the same you, no matter what they think. Their opinions don't affect your value. You have the same infinite, absolute value whether they like you and your decisions or not. Recognize that thoughts in the heads of other people have no power unless you give it to them.
• You teach people how to treat you by how you treat yourself. You must honor your own needs if you want other people to honor them. If you continue to act like your needs don’t matter, everyone around you will see your needs the same way. This leads to them taking your self-sacrifice for granted. If you say “no” on occasion, and show them that you deserve to be cared for too, they may resist this at first. But in the end, they will respect and appreciate you more.
• If you disrespect yourself and allow people to guilt manipulate you, they won’t respect you. Weakness is never respected. You may think your sacrifice will win their love and approval, but you can’t have love without respect.
• It is not selfish to take care of your own needs. When you honor your own needs, you demonstrate to the world that all people deserve to be honored and cared for. No one is more important than anyone else. It is emotionally healthy to find a balance between self-care and showing up for others.
• If you don’t love yourself first, you are not capable of giving love to others. If you don't value your own needs and are driven by pleasing other people, all your loving behavior will actually be driven by your need to get validation. Think about this one. You will do nice things because you need validation from other people that they like you. That is not loving behavior at all; it is selfish. Real love can only happen when you experience the same amount of love for yourself as you feel toward others. When you make sure your own needs are met, you have a full bucket and can give to others without needing anything back.

Using these principles to guide you, create some specific boundary rules for yourself and your life situations. Decide how you are going to enforce them and why it is healthy to do so. Write these new boundaries down on paper, don’t just think them. Writing them down makes them more concrete. Here are some examples of great (permission for self-care) boundaries:

• I have the right to say no to watching my neighbor's kids, especially if it would push me over the edge of sanity and make me grouchy toward my family. This is the loving thing for all concerned. I choose not to hold fear around how my neighbor will feel about this. I know it is the right thing and that is enough. How she chooses to feel about it is not my business. I will tell her, with love, that I can’t do it (without explaining why). In the end, she will respect me for my strength and love.
• It is important that I honor my own feelings. If someone asks me to do something I am not comfortable doing, I will say no in a loving way. They will respect me for being true to myself.
• I give myself permission to ask for time and space when I need it. My family might not like this at first, but in the end they will appreciate me and respect me more if I insist my needs are honored.

Taking the time to write out, on paper, exactly how you are going to choose to feel and behave helps you to own these new boundary rules. You are creating official policies for yourself and your behavior. Read your new policies often and practice enforcing them with love and kindness. You can be strong and loving at the same time; and when you practice doing it, you will find your power and your love.

You can do this.

This was first published on KSL.COM

​I was asked recently what changes in your people skills that would most improve your relationships. This is a great question, because your ability to create healthy relationships is the key to happiness in life. You can’t feel happy, fulfilled, and good about life, if your relationships are stressed, unsafe, or confrontational.
 
This is especially true with your significant other. If that special relationship is strained or in trouble, it can suck the joy from every other part of your life.
 
Below are my top five people skills tips that would improve your relationships fast:
 

1. Allow people to be different from you. You have a subconscious tendency to think the way you navigate the world, handle problems, and treat people is the right way and anyone who functions differently is wrong. If you will accept the idea that different isn’t necessarily better or worse, it’s just different, this one change could be profound. In my coaching program I teach there are 12 types of people in the world and every type has good behaviors and bad behaviors. None of them have only good and no bad. This means everyone has bad behaviors, even you. They are just different bad behaviors than other people have, but they are just as bad.
   
   The most powerful change you can make to improve your relationships is learn to understand how the people close to you are wired, how they see the world, and what their triggers are. Then, you can stop expecting them to act like you, and accept them more fully for who they are.

 

1. Give the benefit of the doubt.  The people in your life are inherently good. They have no desire to do you wrong or hurt you. When they do offend you, it is usually unintentional. It is usually because they were in a fear state and therefore overly worried about themselves (you do this too). It is a game changer when you decide to assume the best of them, instead of looking for the worst. Assume they mean well and were just clueless in that moment. Stop making them into the bad guy, remember we are all doing our best with what we know in that moment. It’s just that we need to know more.
   
   Give the people you love room to be a work in progress. We are all students in the classroom of life and we are never going to be perfect. Give the people in your life allowance to make mistakes and go easier on them when they make one, because you want them to go easy on you, when you make one.
   
   
2. Ask questions and listen, more than you talk. The heart of every relationship lies in how you talk to each other. If you talk more than you listen, you won’t have good relationships. Talking is all about you and is not loving or validating. Only asking questions because you truly want to understand and show love to the other person, validates their worth in your life. Listen to understand not just to figure out what to say next. Set your thoughts and feeling aside and really listen to what they think and feel. Spend time here and ask enough questions that you gain understanding about how they see the world and why. You will be amazed at what you didn’t know about the people you love most.

 

1. Be a safe place without judgment. What everyone wants most from their important relationships is safety. We all want someone who we are completely safe with, who has our back, knows our intentions are good, because they know our soul, and who sees the good in us, even on our bad, immature, of balance days. Be that person. Be the safest place in the world for the person you love. Make sure they can tell you anything and you will listen without judgment, understand, and not make it a about them. If you have trouble doing this, it is because you don’t feel safe in the world yourself. If you don’t feel safe, you will be overly focused on getting a sense of safety for yourself, and you will have nothing to give. Get some professional coaching or counselling to work on your own fear issues. When you are on solid ground yourself, you can focus on giving that to others.

 

1. Forgive and let the past go. Forgiveness becomes easier when you understand that life is a classroom and you always attract the people, who will be your perfect teachers. They are in your life to trigger your issues, push your buttons and bring your fears to the surface, so you can work on them. This means any past offenses, were the perfect classroom experiences you needed.
   
   Real forgiveness is about healing your perception around other people and their behavior. When you change the way you see them and the offense, you will immediately change how you feel about it. Choose to see any offense as perfect for you, and the pain will lessen. It didn’t happen to you, it happened for you. It isn’t a loss experience, if it was here to served you.
   
   Also remember, there is nothing that exists, that God did not make, and chance plays no part in His plans. This means you are safe in His hands all the time. Nothing can diminish your intrinsic value, nor bring you a journey that is anything less than perfect for you. In order to be offended, you have to believe that you are vulnerable in some way. If you trust God fully, you are never vulnerable and cannot be wronged. You can only be educated and taught.

 
I realize this may be a new and even mind blowing perspective for some of you, which might even take a while and some work to understand, but it is the path to amazing relationships and greater happiness.  
 
You can do this.

This was first published on KSL.COM
​
I have heard from lots of people who are worried about family holiday gatherings and dealing with difficult relatives.

We all have some complicated family relationships that can trigger tension, defensiveness and fear because of what they do and say. During the holidays it is difficult to avoid these relatives, so it's helpful to work on becoming more resilient and "bulletproof" before these parties happen.

Note: The following advice is not advice for dealing with abuse or trauma. This advice is meant for people who have some annoying, rude and disrespectful relatives who say hurtful things or treat you in a judgmental way. If you are dealing with abuse, trauma or really toxic people, avoiding family gatherings might be the best call. 

For the rest of your people-problem situations, I have one powerful truth that can help you to stay balanced around your challenging relatives and hurtful things they might say this year.

'I can be hurt by nothing but my thoughts'

A Course in Miracles lesson says: "I can be hurt by nothing but my thoughts."

This is a tricky concept that might take some thinking to understand, but it means it is not someone’s words that hurt you, it is the thoughts you have about their words that hurt you.

If someone makes a hurtful remark to you — something that triggers pain — it can feel like a poison dart fired straight to your heart. It will sting for sure, but how long it stings and how badly it stings is something you do have some control over.

Do you ever let a dart stay in causing you pain all day or all week? How often do you pull the dart out and throw it on the floor so you can move on, but then later pick it back up and stab yourself with it again and again — for months, years, or even decades? It’s over and it happened a long time ago, why do you still think about it when it just causes you pain?

When the event is over and you are still feeling the sting, it has become a self-inflicted injury. You have the power to stop the stinging if you can change the way you are looking at what the other person did. If you can change the way you look at it, you can change how you feel.

This is high-level emotional intelligence, and it might take some work to get it right. So don’t be discouraged if you are not here yet. The more you read, practice and learn, the easier it will get. This is not victim shaming, though, because the fault does lie with the other person; however, at some point, you have to process the situation and decide to stop letting it hurt you. You have to take your power back. You do this by thinking about words, thoughts and opinions that come from other people. What are they? What are they made of? What power do they hold?

They are nothing. They are wisps of ideas drifting through people’s minds and out their mouths. They have no form and no matter. They do nothing. They mean nothing. They have no power unless you give them power. 

Your thoughts about what the person said or did are what create the sting, and you are so powerful you can create that sting from almost nothing. This is especially true if you have some deep negative beliefs about yourself in play — beliefs you have had since you were a child. These old subconscious beliefs are your open wounds; they are spots where others can barely touch you and it hurts.

I have a deep fear that says, “I am not good enough.” Because I have had this fear my whole life, it is my problem. It belongs to me. But just like an open wound, it's a place where it’s very easy for other people to hurt me.

These other people are completely responsible for any unkind things they say or do, but I am responsible for my original fear issue that makes their comments hurt me so much. I am also responsible for the thoughts I have that intensify and prolong the hurt.

Your ego thinks stabbing yourself with these old darts for decades is a good way to protect you from further pain. It thinks the constant stabbing will remind you to protect yourself from that person in the future, but the cost for this perceived protection is decades of pain anyway.

Solutions

Instead of allowing thoughts that make mean comments hurt longer than necessary, practice the following:

1. Trust that your intrinsic value as a person is infinite and absolute.

Nothing anyone says or does can diminish your value. No matter what happens to you, you still have the same value as every other person on the planet. When anyone makes an unkind comment, remind yourself that it doesn’t have any power and changes nothing. You are still intact and fine. Imagine the dart bouncing off and landing on the ground. Then, leave it there.

2. Trust that every person around you is in your life for your own good.

Everyone who surrounds you is there for one reason: to help you grow and become stronger, wiser and more loving. Some of these people help you by pushing your fear buttons, to give you a chance to work on your insecurities and issues. When you see them as teachers in your classroom who are giving you chances to practice being strong and loving, you won’t take their comments as personally.

3. Remember that thoughts or words other people say about you are irrelevant.

These words mean nothing and do nothing. They are wisps of energy that are immediately gone and have no power to sting you. You can only have pain if you think about their actions stinging you. Instead, send them on their way with this thought: “Thanks for giving me a chance to practice being strong, but I am done with that lesson and moving on.” Send them on their way (figuratively) with a blessing and hope for their own growth and learning.

4. Focus all your energy on being the love in the room at your family gatherings.

Find others around you who need validation, love and support, and spend the whole party giving these things to them. Turn your party into a focused, giving love session instead of a minefield of offenses and insults. Go into it with a mission in mind and don’t let anyone knock you from that focus.

Love works miracles because you cannot do love and fear at the same time. If you are focused on love for other people and yourself, you don’t have time to be offended.

You can do this.

This was first published on ksl.com

Question:

What should I do when my spouse gets mad at one of our kids, but becomes irrationally angry with yelling, arguing, and generally makes a "mountain out of a mole hill”. Should I support my spouse and whatever punishment and behavior they use with the kids, even though I don’t agree? Or should I tell my spouse to please walk away because they are losing it, and let me handle it (which will make them mad at me)? How can we have different parenting styles and not have conflict over them? I also worry that my kids like me more because I am more in control, and it’s made my spouse the bad guy. How are they not the bad guy, when they behave this badly?

Answer:

So, what you are really asking is, “Is it more important to put up a united front in front of the kids or is it more important to stop my partner from parenting badly (with out of control emotion or anger) directed at our child?”

Obviously, both are important and doing both, at the same time, should be your goal, but if you have to choose one (in a tense moment), you should choose to protect your child, while never making your spouse feel small or bad. Below are some suggestions for handling these intervention moments with love and support.

Defuse the Situation:

You must learn how to defuse the situation in a respectful, loving, way towards your spouse, who is already upset and triggered. If you step into this situation from a position of anger, holier than though self-righteousness, or ego, you are going to create conflict and resentment. You must learn speak to your spouse as an equal, who is as equally flawed, because both of you are imperfect, struggling, scared, students in the classroom of life, who make mistakes. You cannot cast the first stone. You must speak to your spouse with love and compassion for their fears and pain in this moment. You must make them safe with you, while also making your child safe.

Create a time-out rule in your home:

Defusing the situation with love, means having careful, mutually validating, conversations (which I have outlined in previous articles) to pick a safe word or agree on a time out rule. This means both of you, will agree ahead of time, if either of you says that word or calls time out (which you will do if you feel the situation is being driven by fear not love), you both agree to stop talking and step away from the situation to cool down.

You both must agree to take some time and get your fear own triggers under control (your number one job as a human). You must learn how to choose trust in your infinite value and trust in the universe as your perfect classroom, to pull yourself together. Then, talk to each other about this situation and get on the same page before you talk to the child. Make sure both of you feel validated, heard, understood, honored, and respected for your feelings. Never talk down to your spouse or make them feel like the bad guy (you are equally as bad in other areas).

There will be times when you must act quickly though, and you don’t have time for all this communicating, so, in those situations, just use the safe word, as a clue to your spouse that they sound scared. You will use that safe word to love and support them, not to shame them.

Remember, their “out of control” parenting behavior is happening, because they are scared of failure or loss, not because they are a bad person or a bad parent. That is why you need a safe word. You need a word to remind each other that unsafe feelings and behavior are showing up and the real loving you may not come through. You both need to make sure it’s love, not fear, that is doing the parenting.

I highly recommend getting some coaching or counseling if reactive fear responses happen regularly. A good coach can help you figure out what your fear triggers are and teach you how to quiet them so you can parent at your best.

Dos and Don’ts in parenting:

1. Don’t respond when you are out of control or angry. Take the time to step away and remind yourself God has you, you are not failing or losing your child. This experience is just part of your classroom, to help you grow.
2. When you react in fear, your response is always something that makes you feel safe. If you parent from love, it is not about you and so you are focused on what your child needs. You have to learn to quiet your fears of failure and loss, so you can parent unselfishly and not make everything about you.
3. Raising your voice on occasion is inevitable, but swearing, yelling, hateful anger, and violence are not acceptable, ever. If this behavior shows up often, you need to get some professional help to work on this.
4. Respect has to be earned. Children respect parents who are emotional intelligence. If you are out of control, overly emotional, inconsistent, or immature in your reactions, they will not respect you. You will feel this and it might make you even more angry, then, this becomes a vicious cycle. You must fix this by getting some help, apologizing for poor past behavior and making changes.
5. Lecturing a child for long periods of time, saying the same things over and over, creates resentment and disrespect, more than it changes behavior. A productive parenting conversation involves more listening (by you) than talking. Asking questions will help you truly understand your child and what drove their behavior, but you have to create a safe space for them or they won’t let you in, and you will have little influence.
6. If you want influence with your child, you get this through connection and safety, not lecturing, yelling, or punishing. Respectful conversations where you honor their thoughts and feelings, creates connection.
7. You can have control or connection, but rarely both. Control means they will do what you say in front of you, Connection means you have influence in how they behave away from you.
8. Don’t ever compare your child with siblings or friends.
9. Don’t relish in being the good parent, while casting your spouse as the bad one (especially if you are divorced). Be a united front that has good communication so your child can love and respect both of you.
10. Don’t criticize your spouse in front of the kids. If you want to talk about bad behavior that bothers you, do it in private, and be prepared to own your bad behavior too. Give your spouse room to ask you for behavior changes. Even ask for the feedback and often as you give some.
11. Make sure you parent as a team. Every problem should be addressed as the two of you against the problem, not each of you against the other.
12. Take time to listen, ask questions, validate, honor and respect your spouse’s thoughts, feelings, ideas, opinions, fears and concerns, before you share yours.
13. Apologize, sincerely, for you past bad behavior and own that you have work to do and things to learn. Make your marriage a place of personal growth and provide a safe place where you can both own your weaknesses without feeling judged.
14. Don’t be so soft on the kids that you force your spouse to be the bad guy. If you tend toward being too nice or lenient, that is just as bad as being too angry or strict. Own that you may need to do some work on the fear issues that drive your leniency.

I highly recommend the Parenting with Love and Logic books and The Conscious Parent, by Shefali Tsbary. They are my go to books for parenting ideas and help.

You can do this. 

This was first published on ksl.com

Question:

What should I do when my spouse gets mad at one of our kids but becomes irrationally angry with yelling, arguing and generally makes a "mountain out of a molehill?" Should I support my spouse and whatever punishment and behavior they use with the kids, even though I don’t agree? Or should I tell my spouse to please walk away, because they are losing it, and let me handle it (which will make them mad at me)? How can we have different parenting styles and not have conflict over them? I also worry that my kids like me more because I am more in control, and it’s made my spouse the bad guy. How are they not the bad guy, when they behave this badly?

Answer:

So, what you are really asking is: “Is it more important to put up a united front in front of the kids, or is it more important to stop my partner from parenting badly (with out-of-control emotion or anger) directed at our child?”

Obviously, both are important, and doing both at the same time should be your goal. But if you have to choose one (in a tense moment), you should choose to protect your child while never making your spouse feel small or bad. Below are some suggestions for handling these intervention moments with love and support.

Defuse the situation

You must learn how to defuse the situation in a respectful, loving way toward your spouse, who is already upset and triggered. If you step into this situation from a position of anger, holier-than-thou self-righteousness or ego, you are going to create conflict and resentment.

You must learn to speak to your spouse as an equal who is as equally flawed as you are — because both of you are imperfect, struggling, scared, students in the classroom of life, who make mistakes. You cannot cast the first stone. You must speak to your spouse with love and compassion for the fears and pain they are feeling in this moment. You must make them feel safe with you, while also making your child safe.

Create a time-out rule in your home

Defusing the situation with love means having careful, mutually validating conversations (which I have outlined in previous articles) to pick a safe word or agree on a time-out rule. This means both of you will agree, ahead of time, if either of you says that word or calls time-out (which you will do if you feel the situation is being driven by fear not love) you will stop talking and step away from the situation to cool down.

You both must agree to take some time and get your own fear triggers under control (your No. 1 job as a human). You must learn how to choose trust in your infinite value and trust in the universe as your perfect classroom to pull yourself together. Then, talk to each other about this situation and get on the same page before you talk to the child. Make sure both of you feel validated, heard, understood, honored, and respected for your feelings. Never talk down to your spouse or make them feel like the bad guy.

There will be times when you must act quickly, though, and you don’t have time for all this communicating. In those situations, just use the safe word as a clue to your spouse that they sound scared. You will use that safe word to love and support them, not to shame them.

Remember, their out-of-control parenting behavior is happening because they are scared of failure or loss, not because they are a bad person or a bad parent. That is why you need a safe word. You need a word to remind each other that unsafe feelings and behavior are showing up, and the real loving parent is not coming through. You both need to make sure it’s love, not fear, that is doing the parenting.

I highly recommend getting some coaching or counseling if reactive fear responses happen regularly. A good coach can help you figure out what your fear triggers are and teach you how to quiet them so you can parent at your best.

Do's and don'ts in parenting:

1. Don’t respond when you are out of control or angry. Take the time to step away and remind yourself you are not failing or losing your child. This experience is just part of your classroom to help you grow. Raising your voice on occasion is inevitable, but swearing, yelling, acting with hateful anger and violence are not acceptable, ever. If this behavior shows up often, you need to get some professional help to work on this.

2. Don't react in fear. When you react in fear, your response is always something that makes you feel safe. If you parent from love, it is not about you; instead, you are focused on what your child needs. You have to learn to quiet your fears of failure and loss so you can parent unselfishly.

3. Do work to earn your child's respect. Children respect parents who are emotionally intelligent. If you are out of control, overly emotional, inconsistent or immature in your reactions, your child will not respect you. You will feel this and it might make you even angrier, and this can become a vicious cycle. You must fix this by getting some help, apologizing for poor past behavior, and making changes.

4. Don't lecture. Lecturing a child for long periods of time, saying the same things over and over, creates resentment and disrespect more than it changes behavior. If you want influence with your child, you'll get it through connection and safety — not lecturing, yelling or punishing. Respectful conversations where you honor their thoughts and feelings create the connection you seek.

5. Do ask questions. A productive parenting conversation involves more listening (by you) than talking. Asking questions will help you truly understand your child and what drove his or her behavior. But you have to create a safe space for them or they won’t let you in and you will have little influence.

6. Don't try to control the situation. You can have control or connection, but rarely both. Control means your child will do what you say in front of you. Connection means you have influence in how they behave away from you.

7. Don’t ever compare your child with siblings or friends.

8. Don’t relish in being "the good parent" while casting your spouse as "the bad parent" (especially if you are divorced). Be a united front that has good communication so your child can love and respect both of you.

9. Don’t criticize your spouse in front of the kids. If you want to talk about bad behavior that bothers you, do it in private and be prepared to own your bad behavior too. Give your spouse room to ask you for behavioral changes — even ask for the feedback as often as you give some.

10. Do parent as a team. Every problem should be addressed as the two of you against the problem, not each of you against the other. Take time to listen, ask questions, validate, honor and respect your spouse’s thoughts, feelings, ideas, opinions, fears and concerns before you share yours. Apologize, sincerely, for your past bad behavior and own that you have work to do and things to learn. Make your marriage or partnership a place of personal growth and provide a safe place where you can both own your weaknesses without feeling judged.

11. Don’t be so soft on the kids that you force your spouse to be the bad guy. If you tend toward being too nice or lenient, that is just as bad as being too angry or strict. Own that you may need to do some work on the fear issues that drive your leniency.

I highly recommend the "Parenting with Love and Logic" books and "The Conscious Parent" by Shefali Tsbary. They are my go-to books for parenting ideas and help.

You can do this.