This was first published on KSL.COM
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Question:

As the holidays approach, I'm feeling deep uncertainty about having family come to visit. We have managed to social distance visit for most of the summer, taking advantage of strictly outdoor, socially distanced visits. With the colder seasons upon us, I feel like physical visits from family outside our home should stop since we cannot be outside for extended periods of time. I know it's the holiday season, but I just do not feel like it's worth it to get together. The problem I face is that I'm feeling pressure from family members to continue to see each other. Even though we have done visits safely all summer, these holiday events would be face-to-face within our home. Masks would not be worn, and it would not be possible to social distance. It seems reckless to me to observe the holidays in typical fashion during a pandemic. How can I maintain the peace and show respect but also keep pandemic boundaries?

Answer:

In this situation, it sounds like you are going to have to be the bad guy, put your foot down and insist that the family do the right thing and cancel the parties, even if it means having family members angry with you. How do you feel about this? For many people, this is a difficult and scary proposition to share their views in face of opposition.

There are also people who have no problem being the bad guy and sharing their opinion. They think it is easy and struggle to understand why some people can't do it. If you are this type of person (fear of loss dominant, meaning you fear things not being right more than you fear judgment) please understand that for other people (fear of failure dominant, meaning your core fear is inadequacy and feeling not good enough) this is extremely difficult and takes great courage.

There will be many times in life when you will need to enforce a boundary, share an opposing opinion, or deliver bad news in the face of disapproval from people you care about. It is important for you to identify what you are so afraid of before you can beat the fear. See which of these fears resonates with you:

• You fear conflict because you have never learned how to handle it in a strong and loving way.
• You are deeply afraid you aren't good enough. Facing judgment or criticism from others feels like it might prove you aren't enough, and you just can't handle the shame.
• You think you need approval from other people to feel safe in the world. You might be needy for validation, and being disliked might feel like the end of the world to you.
• You hate pushing your agenda or idea onto others because you are afraid of looking conceited, arrogant, bossy or selfish. Looking selfish feels like the ultimate confirmation that you are a bad person. You subconsciously think it's better to please others and sacrifice yourself.
• You aren't comfortable being the leader or making the decisions for a group because you would then be responsible for the outcome. You feel more comfortable letting others lead and prefer to stay in the background.

Can you own which fears are in play for you? It may be all of them. Can you see how this fear is probably holding you back or causing problems in your relationships?

Here are some tips and tricks to help you stand strong and share your views:

1. Take a minute and make sure you know what your opinion is and what outcome you want to happen. You may want to do some research and make sure you feel grounded in your opinion. Commit to yourself that you will not be moved from that stand. Tell yourself why your reasons feel right to you. Commit that, in the end, the other person can disagree but you won't change your mind about what's right for you.
2. Ask around and see if anyone else agrees with your ideas and would take this stand with you. Having one other person on your side would help make you braver.
3. Consider how you can state your opinion in the fewest words possible. Don't overexplain, just state the facts. "We have decided not to attend any family gatherings this year because of the pandemic." No other explanation or details are necessary. Fewer words actually give the other person less to argue about. If they try to change your mind, repeat your same brief statement again. They will quickly realize that is all they are getting.
4. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. Say things like, "I feel that the right thing to do is follow the directives given us and not gather this year. In my opinion, it is reckless to gather when lives are at stake. I don't want to put my family at risk." Notice that this is less confrontational than saying "You shouldn't do this" or "No one should be doing this." Just speak for yourself.
5. Consider sending your message by text or email to avoid face-to-face conflict. They may still judge you, but you won't have to deal with them trying to change your mind.
6. Choose to be bulletproof from any poison arrows of judgment or criticism. Imagine yourself with a rubber force field around you. Any negativity or insults bounce right off and can't hurt you. Make sure you don't pick them up later and figuratively stab yourself with them. Leave them on the ground. They can't hurt you without your participation.
7. Doing the right thing for you is not selfish; it is wise and healthy. Setting boundaries and doing what is best for you does not make you selfish, even if the other parties involved think that you are. Maintaining a healthy balance in life is about loving other people and yourself at the same time. This means half the time it is vital that you are taking care of yourself. If you don't, you will soon have nothing to give.
8. Remember that no matter what others think or say about you, you still have the same intrinsic worth as every other person on the planet. Your worth is safe and cannot change. It's impossible to be "not good enough." If you choose, the opinions of other people can be nothing more to you than wispy thoughts that exist in their heads. These thoughts have no power and can't do anything or mean anything to you. You are totally safe. There is nothing to fear.
9. This opportunity to overcome your fears and share your views is your perfect classroom journey or it wouldn't be here. You and the other people involved will all learn the lessons you need from this experience. Allow the universe to be in charge of what happens next and trust that it is serving everyone in some way.
10. Be proud of yourself and your courage to do what is right even in the face of opposition. This should be celebrated.

You are correct that the right thing to do this year is to avoid large family or other gatherings. The smart thing to do is to follow the guidelines from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention when you celebrate the holidays, which include keeping gatherings small or avoiding them altogether. There will be unexpected blessings and discoveries that come from this unusual more isolated holiday season. Be open to seeing this situation as an unexpected blessing instead of a loss. How you feel about it is completely driven by your perspective.

You can do this.

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

My spouse and I keep getting in these fights where she does something like ignores me when I am trying to talk to her, and this offends me and I get angry and slam a door, which really offends her and makes her feel attacked, which starts a big fight that lasts all week. The fight morphs and quickly becomes about who treats who worse. And in this drawn out fight, no one wins. After days of being mad and miserable we will start to move past it, but only until one of us offends the other again. What can we do to break this cycle of offending each other?
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Answer:

The root cause of these fights is you both functioning in a fear state where you feel unsafe with each other, and this is making you wear what I call "mistreatment glasses." Mistreatment glasses means you are subconsciously looking for mistreatment and offenses that will prove that you aren't safe with your partner and that they are the "bad one." Whatever you are looking for you will find. If you are looking for mistreatment, you will find it. If you are looking for proof your partner loves you, you will find that too.

Unfortunately, almost all of us feel unsafe in the world (at the subconscious level), and this keeps us on the defensive a lot of the time. When you feel unsafe, your ego steps up to try and protect you. It does this through defensiveness and casting the other person as the bad one. That is why it feels like a win (to your ego) when you can show that your partner treated you worse and you are the victim. But this is really not a win; no one wins when you get offended by small things and always see your partner as the enemy.

Below is a process you can use when someone offends you. Following it will help you step back out of ego to see the situation more accurately and respond more maturely.

Note: In this article I am only addressing how to deal with the garden variety of arguments, not situations that involve abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has information on how to identify the warning signs of abuse and how one can get help.

See the other person's bad behavior accurately

When someone behaves badly or offends you, there are four possible reasons for this behavior. Knowing them will help you accurately access what is happening in each situation. The four reasons people behave badly:

1. They were oblivious, not paying attention, missed some things, or had inadvertent bad behavior. They didn't mean to disregard you or mistreat you, they were simply not paying attention.
2. They are dealing with their own fear issues and their behavior is selfishly focused on finding a sense of safety for themselves. This can include seeking validation, showing off, protecting themselves, being jealous, being controlling, etc. It has been my experience that most bad behavior happens for this reason.
3. They are in a serious fear state where they are feeling defensive, working to protect themselves, and seeing you as a threat. This line of thinking may not be accurate (you are probably not a threat), but in this state you look that way to them and this is all they can see.
4. They intentionally wanted to hurt you or do you wrong

Which is most likely true in your case? Really think about this and give your partner a little benefit of the doubt, based on the qualities that attracted you to them in the first place. Are they someone who intentionally desires to hurt you? If they are, this may not be a healthy relationship for you to be in. But most of the time, offenses aren't intentional.

If this offense happened for any of the other three reasons, you must step back, stop taking this personally, and choose to not get offended — because it isn't about you. They don't feel safe in the world, and a person who doesn't feel safe has no choice but to focus on finding a sense of safety; they aren't capable of anything else. They may need some professional help to work on their fears around not being good enough and things not being right. So, the negative coping behaviors can be negated.

Be responsible for your response to the offense

You are responsible for your reactions and responses, and this should be your only concern. It is the only thing you have control over and the only thing that matters now. You must choose to respond with love, not fear.

If you get defensive and respond from a fear state, you are now doing the exact same thing the other person did to you. You are demonstrating fear-based bad behavior, and responding badly back is just as bad as responding badly first. It's the same bad behavior driven by the same cause.

Respond to an offense with love

Offenses and your reactions happen fast though, so you will need to practice and prepare ahead of time to be able to remember these steps in the heat of the moment. You might want to read through this procedure daily or replay past offenses that you reacted badly to, running through these steps to see what you should have done.

Procedure for reacting to offenses:

1. Recognize your angry, defensive, offended, unbalanced emotions when they are triggered.
2. Recognize the desire to place blame for those emotions on the other person and see them as the bad guy.
3. Remember the four real reasons people behave badly. Ask yourself: Is this person intentionally trying to hurt you, or could it be one of the other three reasons that aren't about you at all? If it's one of those, you now have two options: Let it go and ignore it (usually the best option), or speak your truth and ask for better treatment, but do it in a loving, validating way.

Procedure for mutually validating conversations:

1. See the other person as the same as you. They are not the bad one, and you the good one. You are both good and bad, and you have the same intrinsic value all the time. Do not talk down to the other person or attack them in any way. You are no better than they are.
2. Ask if they would be open to talking about the relationship and how you could both make it better.
3. Ask how they are feeling about the relationship. Ask if there is anything you do that bothers them, that they would love to have you work on or change. Ask if there is anything you do that bothers or irritates them. Be humble, teachable and willing to make some changes yourself. Be willing to spend time here, really listening and validating their right to feel the way they do. This is the love part of the conversation and this is where you show them that you are committed to showing up for and caring about them.
4. Explain how you feel about the behavior they have that bothers you, but do so using more "I" statements than "you" statements. Say things like "when this happens, I feel this way ... ," or "To me, it looks and feels this way and I just wondered if you would be willing to do that differently next time that happens?" Focus on the future behavior you want to see, not the past bad behavior that they can't change. Make sure this is not an attack; it is you sharing how you feel when certain things happen and owning your fear issues.
5. Tell them it would really help you if they would consider changing one thing moving forward. Focus on only one change in this conversation (others can wait for another time).
6. Repeat the steps 3-5 again if needed. At this point, the other person might have more to say to you or might get defensive. If this happens, go back to step 3 and ask questions and validate their feelings again. Go through steps 3-5 again and again, until you both feel supported, heard and understood.

This article has a lot of steps to follow, which will be hard to remember in the heat of the moment when you get offended. You will need to read this often and do a lot of mental replay after a fight to go back through what happened and see what you could have done differently. That kind of practice really helps, though.

You and your partner may also need some coaching or counseling to work on the underlying fear issues that cause you to feel unsafe with each other. I find most couples who fight a lot need individual coaching to get their subconscious fears under control before they can create a healthy relationship. Always be willing to take this on and work on yourself.

You can do this.

This was first published on KSL.com
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Question:

I often have problems with co-workers and am often bothered or angry with their behavior. They are inconsiderate and they never take responsibility for what they do wrong. I am thinking of looking for another job, but I am worried that before long the new co-workers would just bother me too. I’d like a job where I didn’t have to deal with people at all, but in my field that doesn’t exist. I realize the problem might be me and not them, but how do you really know? How can I feel less bothered with people?

Answer:

First I want to commend you for being willing to look at the situation and see if you are the problem. That takes courage and the truth is we are always at least part of the problem. If you are often bothered with other people’s behavior or find yourself angry at people on a regular basis, one of two things is happening:

1. You might have bad luck and run into a lot of difficult, unbalanced people (meaning the problem is them), or
2. You may be oversensitive to noticing what’s wrong in any situation, you take things too personally, and/or you have a subconscious tendency towards judgment and criticizing (meaning the problem is you).

If you rarely have problems with other people, and only find a few who are difficult to deal with, chances are the problem is more them. If you have people problems all the time, everywhere you go, with lots of types of people, chances are that more of the problem is you. This can be hard to accept though, because in your mind (from your perspective) it may really look like the other people are clearly in the wrong. This can make seeing the truth difficult.

If you are willing to seek the truth and grow, there are some things you can do to check yourself and make sure you aren’t the problem, and make seeing your problem easier to understand.

Strengthen your self-esteem first

To ready yourself for this exercise first remind yourself that you have the exact same intrinsic value as every other human being on the planet, whether you are the problem or not. Life is a classroom and you are here to learn, but you cannot fail or be "not good enough." No matter where you are or what you are struggling with, you still have the same value as everyone else and you are right on track in your classroom journey (or you can believe this if you want to).

This means you are safe to look at your behavior objectively, see problems with it and make changes and there is nothing to fear. You are still OK and safe. Take a minute and tune into this belief.

Ask for honest feedback

You might want to ask some close friends or family members for some candid feedback about your behavior. You might have to reassure these people that you can handle the truth and want to learn. Tell them you really want to see where your perspective might not be accurate. You might also ask them what you could do to improve yourself and show up for other people better. If doing this scares you, work with a coach or counselor to build up your self-esteem first. A coach or counselor may also be a safe place to get some objective feedback. A third-party person can often tell you things a family member or friend would be too scared to say.

Don’t be offended by the feedback. Thank them for being willing to support your learning and take some time alone to step back and look at their perspective. There is a chance it isn’t accurate and they could be projecting their issues onto you. But if you will sit quietly with the information, your gut usually knows what you own and what you don’t.

Check for trust issues

Do you have a hard time believing others have your best interest in mind? Do you delegate or prefer to do things yourself so you know they are done right? Does having control make you feel safer? Do you subconsciously assume other people can’t be trusted? If you have a subconscious tendency to distrust, you may generally feel unsafe in the world. This makes you see everything and everyone as a threat. If you have had this programming your whole life, you may be more confrontational and easy to offend. The important part is that you become aware of this tendency, so you can catch it when it’s happening. Acknowledge that you might be seeing the situation through your "mistreatment lenses." Ask another person who doesn’t have this tendency how they view the situation and be willing to shift your story around the situation to one that is less offending.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do you gossip and find fault with others?
2. When someone tells you about their bad day, is your response about your bad day?
3. Do you have a victim story and tell it often?
4. Do you dominate conversations and struggle to care enough to listen?
5. Do you give unsolicited advice? Is there any chance it insults others?
6. Have you ever been told you are controlling?
7. Do you get really bothered when others are inconsiderate?
8. Do you have people problems with lots of people?
9. Do you have a hard time forgiving?
10. Do you hold grudges?
11. Do you bring up wrongs from the past in current fights?
12. If you listed out all your current problems and who is responsible for them, would the list have your name on it?
13. Have you received feedback from others about your difficult behavior?

If you answered yes to many of these questions, there is a chance that your subconscious programming, which drives your behavior, has some problems. You might have a subconscious tendency to feel unsafe that is causing you to see threats everywhere and in everyone. You don’t mean to be easy to offend or irritate, you just truly feel mistreated, disregarded, and justifiably annoyed with other people all the time.

Don’t have any shame around this — show compassion to yourself and others.

Just own that you may need some work on your fear triggers or some additional healthy thinking skills you haven’t had the opportunity to learn. It’s time to find some professional help to change the underlying fears that drive bad behavior. You are not a bad person, though. You are just a scared, stressed, worried person who needs to learn another way to see and process what goes on around you.

You also need to work on having more compassion and being more tolerant of other people’s bad behavior. Every time you condemn or judge another person for bad behavior and get bothered or annoyed by them, you are subconsciously making a rule that says "there are faults which make some humans unworthy of love." Every time you do this, you are also accepting the same rule for yourself. You are confirming the belief that there are faults in you that could make you unworthy of love too. This will make you need to judge others more to feel better and a vicious cycle is created.

Work on changing this one thing. Be more compassionate and less judgmental of others. Allow them to be flawed and still be worthy of love. Be more patient, forgiving, and let a lot of annoying things go. You will not only get along better with others, but your own self-esteem will improve.

You can do this.

This was first published on KSL.com 

Question:

This is kind of a generic question, but things happen and I don’t know how to figure out the right way to respond and fast enough. I am a slow processor and struggle with immediate reactions. I also just wonder if you have a process or way to find the right response in a situation that would help me avoid bad behavior?

Answer:

I am going to share a process in this article you could use to help you find the right solution or response to any issue that may arise, though it is most useful with people problems. This is a procedure that will help you make sure you are seeing the situation, yourself and other people involved accurately — which is the most important part of good decision-making. If you are reacting without the whole story, or you have made up a story that isn’t really true, you are not going to respond appropriately.

We all have a subconscious tendency to apply “story” to events, which complicates them and creates more suffering. For example, if someone says they can’t go out with you this weekend, you might add story that they don’t really like you, you must have offended them, they like other people more than you, or you are just not enough. All of those scenarios are story. The only fact is they can’t go out. The story you tell yourself is fiction, and it is completely in your control. You could tell yourself a different story, one that might create better behavior if you wanted to.

Here is my Clarity Questions Process that will help you remove inaccurate story and choose a balanced, love-motivated response to any problem. Not every question will be relevant every time, but some of them will.

1. Is this problem really about you? Or, is it really about the other person’s fear issues and it just got projected onto you? Remember that it's hurt people who hurt people. Most of the time when they are hateful toward you, they are spewing their own self-hatred and fear of failure at you because they aren’t strong enough to own it. If this is really about them, let it go and work on being balanced, mature and loving yourself.

2. If the problem is about them, what are they afraid of? Are they afraid they aren’t good enough? Are they afraid things won’t be the way they want them to be? Are they afraid of being mistreated? Has this created fear-driven, bad behavior?

3. What are you afraid of about this situation? Is it failure or loss?

4. What do you need to feel safe right now?

5. What do they need to feel safer in the world?

6. Is there anything you can do about this? What is actually in your control? You can only be responsible for things that are in your control. If you have no control, it isn’t your responsibility or your problem. Let it go and work on being balanced, mature and loving yourself.

7. Take 100% responsibility for whatever is in your control. Don’t make excuses. Own that you behaved badly as much as possible because the more you were — or are — responsible for, the more power you have to fix things. (Ego really hates being responsible because it prefers blaming and complaining, but these actions leave you powerless to improve things.)

8. Remember you have the same infinite, absolute, unchanging worth as a human being just like everyone else. We all have the same value, so no part of this situation can diminish you (unless you choose to let it). This will make you feel safer, which will help you to respond in a less selfish manner. When you are afraid of not being good enough, you always respond whichever way will make you feel safer. You won’t be able to focus on the needs of others.

9. Remember that everything about this experience is here to serve your growth and learning. The universe is a wise teacher that knows what it’s doing, and it brought you this problem to stretch the limits of your love and help you become wiser, stronger or more loving. When you accept this situation as happening for you — not to you — you will see it accurately and respond better. Trusting that every experience is the perfect one for you takes away the fear of loss, mistreatment and feelings of being taken from. From this place, you can again respond less selfishly and think about what other people need.

10. Is the other person involved in this situation tired, hungry or incapable of mature behavior because they haven’t had the opportunity to learn a better way of handling life? What has happened in their past that could be affecting their behavior here?

11. Is there any chance that the emotion you are feeling right now is one that has shown up repeatedly throughout your life? Is there any chance you had the fear that this situation is triggering long before this experience with this person? Is it your issue and possibly a big lesson that you still haven’t learned, so it keeps showing up? What could this emotion be here to teach you to do? If you had to solve this emotion inside yourself without involving anyone else, what is the work you probably need to do?

12. What are all your possible responses to this situation? Write down every possible option — even the bad ones. Make sure you write each behavior option down with a good, loving attitude and again with a bad, fearful, defensive attitude. For example, you could speak your truth with anger and hate, or you could speak your truth from trust and love (same option two different attitudes).

13. Next to each option write down what you think the outcome of choosing that behavior would look like.

14. Cross out all the fear-driven, negative, bad behavior options and choose a love-driven, strong yet kind, respectful response that feels right to you.

If you still cannot tell which response is the right one, apply WWJD (What Would Jesus Do?). Most of the time, that is your answer. If you trust your intrinsic value is unchangeable and your journey is the perfect classroom for you, you should be able to respond in a strong and loving fashion, honoring and respecting yourself and your needs along with the other person and theirs. Practice this procedure and it will get easier and easier to see the answer clearly.

You can do this. 

Coach Kimberly Giles is a master executive coach and a popular corporate trainer doing people skills training and team building experiences with her 12 Shapes Relationship System. She is the CEO of https://www.upskillrelationships.com

This was first published on KSL.COM

SALT LAKE CITY — In this edition of LIFEadvice, Coach Kim shares a fresh perspective on why we disagree and how to resolve it.

Question:

I live in a small planned unit development with four families. This is the second year we have lived in the community, as it is a new development. The control box for the sprinkler system is in my backyard. The park-strip grass we all share is watered by a valve in that control box. Every summer, I consult the water conservation website for irrigation frequency, and follow that guideline. This means that the grass is not lush and green, but rather, closer to yellow in color.

My retired neighbor is extremely unhappy about this and badgers me relentlessly to increase the watering for that area. He has become hostile and abusive. When I called a meeting with the other families to discuss what to do, he went into victim mode, saying that he is the only one trying to save the grass and maintain the appearance of the grounds. He does do a lot of work around the planned unit development, such as repairing sprinklers, fertilizing, etc. He is home and able to do it, and is compensated by the HOA.

How can we find a happy medium? Is it even possible?

Answer:

Most disagreements like this happen because of differences in values. It has been my observation, as a life coach and human behavior expert for 15 years, that there are four value systems that drive most human behavior. When you understand what someone values most, you will then understand their thinking, behavior, and why they make the choices they do.

We all value all four of these, but we usually have one that is more dominant than the others. Understanding this is the trick to resolving conflicts and disagreements.

Here are the four value systems that create most disagreements:

1. Some of us value people most. These people don’t like to be alone and highly value relationships, connection and feeling wanted and included. They would sacrifice getting things done for time to visit with friends, and they care more about people than things, tasks or opinions.

2. Some of us value tasks most. These people are driven by their “to-do” lists and are constant workers and doers. They care most about getting things done and would rather work alone and be productive than visit with others.

3. Some of us value things most. These people care about how things look, taking care of things and creating things. They can be artists, inventors or good stewards, who carefully manage what they have or are in charge of.

4. Some of us value ideas most. These people care about causes, opinions, rules, politics and the environment most. They are rule keepers and system followers. They are often advocates, teachers and well-educated. They also believe in fairness, loyalty and are community minded.

It sounds like you are someone who values ideas and principles most. This is why you follow recommended guidelines and believe in doing what is right for the community, city and state, not just for yourself. You highly value doing the right thing, even if it means sacrificing some of your quality of life.

Your neighbor appears to value things. He spends a great deal of time making his yard look good. Having a nice yard feels important to him because it creates his quality of life and he hopes others will benefit from it too. I am sure he cares about the community and environment, but it sounds like he cares about things looking nice a little more. He also values hard work and wants to see the fruits of his labor.

The most important thing you need to know in this situation is there is no right or wrong— there is just different. Your value system isn’t better than his, and you both have the right to be who you are and see the world the way you see it. You both have the right to have your value system honored and respected, and you have the same intrinsic value as every other human being. Neither of you can resolve this problem if you continue to see yourself as right or better and the other as wrong.

Whenever you find yourself in a disagreement, the solution lies in having a mutually validating conversation with the other person, a conversation where both people feel respected and honored. There are five steps to doing these conversations right, and if you follow them, you can usually create a compromise.

Steps for a mutually validating conversation:

1. Make sure you see the other person as having the same intrinsic worth as you. Make sure you aren't talking down from a position of better, smarter or more right.

2. Set all your opinions aside up front. Don’t start the conversation expressing your view. Start the conversation ready to listen to them.

3. Ask questions about what they think, how they feel, what their concerns and opinions are. Actively listen and validate, honor and respect their right to see the world the way they see it. This comes from how they are wired, and they cannot see anything else at this time. Make sure at this step you are not agreeing or disagreeing (those are about you). This is the time to make them feel heard and understood. The longer you spend here the better. This kind of listening helps to lessen defensiveness and create a safe space for you to share your views too.

4. Ask permission to share your views. Ask your neighbor if he would be willing to let you explain why you think it’s important to follow recommended guidelines and do what you feel is right for the whole community. Ask if he would be willing to be open-minded and at least consider your view. If he is, then go to step five. If he isn’t willing to hear you, say you respect that and thank him for his time. (You must do this if you want to build trust where further conversations could go better.)

5. Speak your mind using “I” statements, not “you” statements. Tell him about your values and why you see the situation the way you do. Ask him if he would be open to a compromise and suggest something that honors both your values. Maybe you could water more, but do it at night or water a little longer, while still conserving, to some degree.

The trick lies in being willing to let go of the “I’m right and you are wrong” mindset, and being truly open to seeing the right in the other person's perspective.

Remember, they aren’t wrong, they are just different. The world would be a boring place if were all the same, and we need social connectors, get-it-done workers, artists, stewards, advocates and rule keepers to make the world work. There is a place for everyone.

Make sure you validate your neighbor's strengths and talents, and appreciate the work he does on the property. He will really appreciate some praise and validation. If you start the conversation with that, you can resolve most problems.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is a human behavior expert and master coach. Visit www.12shapes.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com to learn more.

Question:

I am 25 years old and suffer from anxiety and overthinking. My biggest issue right now is death. I am scared of death and every second I think of losing my parents or siblings and it destroys me mentally. I have never lost anyone close to me but for some reason I can’t get the thought of losing my family out of my mind. It eats away at my brain and causes me to have more anxiety and more overthinking. How can I deal with this? How can I learn to accept it and how can I stop thinking about it?

Answer:

We define overthinking as: Ruminating over things that don’t protect you and aren’t productive. It makes sense to spend time thinking about tasks you need to accomplish, cautions you could take to keep you or others safe, or processing emotions or experiences to work through them. If you spend your time planning out what you can do to prevent problems, it’s productive thinking about things over which you have some control.

But if you are spending valuable time worrying about things that might not happen or things over which you have no control, you are wasting your time and energy and overthinking.

Here is a procedure to follow when you catch yourself overthinking about unproductive things:

1. Practice mindfulness

Take a minute and notice what’s going on in your head and the effect those thoughts are having on your body. Become the observer of your own thinking and what it's creating inside you. Use your senses to bring you back into the moment. This means pay attention to what sensations are happening in your body from head to toe.

Notice what can you smell, hear or see right now. There is a reason people use the phrase "come to your senses" when they talk about becoming calm — you can literally use your senses to calm anxiety.

2. Relax your nervous system

Studies have shown that when your body is in fight-or-flight mode, your frontal lobe, which you need to logically think your way back to peace, shuts down and stops working.

To get access to your frontal lobe again, try diaphragmatic breathing. An article on relaxation and stress from Harvard Health explains how to do this exercise:

"Breathe in slowly through your nose, allowing your chest and lower belly to rise as you fill your lungs. Let your abdomen expand fully. Now breathe out slowly through your mouth (or your nose, if that feels more natural)."

Take a few minutes to try this.

3. Identify which fears are causing the overthinking

Is this a fear of failure problem where you are worried about failing, looking bad, being insulted, judged or criticized? Or is this a fear of loss problem where you are afraid of things going wrong, being mistreated or losing things or people you care about?

In this instance, your fear of losing family members is a fear of loss issue.

4. If you are overthinking because of a fear of failure: choose to see that all human beings have the same intrinsic value that can’t change.

When you choose to see all human beings as having the exact same value all the time, you take failure off the table. You cannot be less than anyone else. No matter what happens you will still have the same value as every other person on the planet.

If you see life as a classroom and every experience as a lesson instead of a test where you must earn your value, it becomes a lot less scary. You can’t fail if there is no test. No matter what anyone thinks of you, you still have the same value.

5. If you are overthinking because of fear of loss: choose to see the universe as a wise and loving teacher who brings experiences to help you learn and grow.

We believe there are two mindset options about the nature of life: You can see life and the universe as a dangerous place, or you can see it as a classroom journey, where perfect learning experiences show up.

We cannot prove this idea is true, however, because there is no ultimate truth about the nature of life and the universe. This means, either way, you will choose a perspective or belief in your imagination. You might as well choose one that makes you feel safer in the world and improves your quality of life.

This means letting go of the illusion that you have control over anything and choosing to have a positive outlook, even if difficult circumstances occur. If you ever lose a person you love, you can choose to believe it was their time to go and the universe (or your higher power) will see you through the experience and make you better for it.

Overthinking about death and losing your loved ones is not keeping them safe and it is not creating solutions or preventing bad things from happening. What happens to them is completely out of your control. It is unproductive thinking that does only one thing — it takes away your peace and joy.

You are stealing suffering from the future and using it to ruin today.

We suggest you leave future suffering where it is and choose as much joy and peace as you possibly can today. This moment, right now, is the only one you have any control over. This moment, right now, is the only place you have any power to choose anything. Use that power to choose gratitude, trust, love and peace.

6. Choose gratitude, in this moment, for all the things right in your life.

Count your blessings and make a choice to focus on something fun, joyful and rich going on around you right now. Take time to send a note to a loved one and let them know how you feel about them. Focus on something you have control over that is based on love, not fear.

You can do this! 

Kimberly Giles and Nicole Cunningham are the human behavior experts behind www.12.shapes.com. They host a weekly Relationship Radio show

Question:

I have a hard time controlling my emotions because I feel things deeply. Do you have any advice for helping me calm my reactions and get control of myself? Also, how can I teach my children to get control of themselves so they don’t inherit my bad habit of throwing a fit over things?

Answer:

I’m so glad you asked this because many of the techniques I teach in these articles involve thinking your way out of reactions.

The problem is when you get upset and triggered into a fear-based reaction, you are functioning in fight-or-flight mode.

Research has shown when people go into fight-or-flight mode, they don’t have access to their frontal lobe, which is the rational, thinking part of the brain. So you are not capable of choosing your way out of these upset reactions — at least until you calm your body down, get out of fight-or-flight and get your frontal lobe back online.

Learning to calm yourself down is a skill everyone needs to learn and teach their children. Children and teens who learn how to calm their nervous system have less anxiety and stress and are more emotionally intelligent, studies have shown. They also have more capacity to choose their mindset in any situation.

It is very normal to get upset and emotional when you feel mistreated, insulted, criticized or threatened, and it’s normal to have strong emotional reactions to these situations. These reactions are kind of like riptides — they are strong and fast, and can pull you into dangerous water — in this case, bad behavior that sabotages your relationships — before you even consciously know what’s happening.

Understanding real riptides can help you learn to escape emotional reactions. A riptide is often misunderstood because it does not pull a swimmer under water — it simply carries the swimmer away from the shore.

Many people who get caught in riptides do not understand this and they try to swim against it. The danger here is they can exhaust themselves and drown.

But if they were educated on how riptides work, they would know they can easily exit the riptide by swimming at an angle to it. If they swim sideways, parallel to the shore, they can easily exit the current and return safely to land, according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration website.

Experts recommend this approach if you get caught in a riptide:

1. Don’t fight the current.

2. Stay calm to conserve your energy and think clearly.

3. Think of it like a treadmill — it cannot be turned off, but you can easily step to the side and get off. Swim sideways following the shoreline and when out of the current swim for the shore.

You can calm down your upset emotions the same way. Here is a simple procedure you can practice when experiencing strong emotional reactions to calm yourself down and choose a better response:

1. Don’t fight the feelings of anger or hurt. Just sit with them for a minute and don’t do anything yet. Each emotion is an interesting dimension of the human experience and feeling them can teach you things. Make note of how your ego (the reactive, selfish part of you) wants to respond. Can you feel how much your ego wants to respond with selfishness, defensiveness or anger?

These are strong feelings, but the more you sit in them, you will see they are not your only option. Feeling this upset is a choice. But you can always choose to change the story you are telling yourself around this, see the situation in a different way, and choose a calmer, more mature and unselfish response.

2. Stay calm. Take a step back from the event and do some calming exercises. We recommend learning diaphragmatic breathing or engaging your peripheral vision by focusing on seeing the two sides of the room at the same time. This may sound weird, but you can’t activate your peripheral vision and stay in fight-or-flight at the same time. Read more about why this works in this Panicyl blog post.

3. Think your way through it. Ask yourself, "What am I really upset about? What am I afraid of here? Why do I feel threatened? Am I applying meaning here that may not be accurate? What will happen if I choose to be upset? Is that what I want? Is being upset a choice? Is there any other way I could choose to feel in this moment?"

4. Exit the reactive current. This is where you get to step to the side or exit the reactive current by choosing a mindset that runs parallel to principles of truth — principles that provide solid ground and safety, like the shore. If the fear reaction is the riptide, you can choose thoughts based in trust and love, and you can step right out. Choose to trust these principles of truth instead of embracing fear in any moment:

• Trust your value isn’t on the line here, because life is a classroom, not a test. Nothing anyone does or says can diminish your value, because it is unchangeable, infinite and absolute. You are bulletproof, and if no one can hurt you or diminish you, is there really any reason to get upset here?
• Research has shown that negative behavior is often about the person behaving badly. This means instead of getting offended, you could choose to give love and validation to the person, or you could choose to forgive them for being afraid and love them from afar.
• There's something to learn from every situation you encounter. Everything you experience makes you wiser, kinder, stronger and more empathetic. If you see life as a classroom, you realize no matter what happens, you will be all right. You could choose to feel safe right now.
• You are not better or worse than anyone else. We are all one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable human beings with the same infinite, absolute value. Just because someone casts you as the bad guy in their story, doesn’t make it true.

Principles like these help to get control over inaccurate, emotionally charged, fear-based thoughts and emotions. Stephen Covey once said, “The ability to subordinate an impulse, to a value, is the essence of the proactive person." We can learn to use principles like the ones above to control our impulses. As we work on this, we will experience more happiness and more stable relationships.

It will take some work to master this, but you can do it! 

​Question:
 
We moved to Utah from out of state and we are good Christian people with high standards and values, and like most people outside of Utah we drink coffee and wine. We also use a phrase that apparently is taboo here. We say “Oh my God” quite a bit and never in our lives considered that a swear word. But twice since moving, here my children have been told that’s bad to say that, and this has been very confusing for them because it is so normal at our house. The way they were scolded about their language was very judgmental of my husband and I as parents. We have also have had numerous families tell my children they can’t play with theirs, because we are not Mormon and have wine in our house. We have never had wine in front of their children and we actually don’t drink very often, but really, we’ve never experienced anything like this. My children have good manners and are kind, sweet kids, but they are cast as bad in our neighborhood because we are of a different religion.  I am not sure how to handle it?  I am shocked that religious people would be so unkind. Do you have any suggestions?
 
Answer:
 
First, we would like to openly apologize to you (on behalf of our state) and say we are so sorry this kind of thing happens here. Please know there are many Utahans, who would never treat you and your family this way and are saddened to know this has been your experience.
 
As for some advice, you have two options in this situation. You can be angry, bitter, resentful and unkind back, or you can take the high road and demonstrate your beliefs better than they have theirs.  Our advice would be to take the high road and treat them with kindness and love anyway. Do this, not because they deserve it, but because it’s the kind of person you want to be.
 
You might consider killing them with kindness, instead of being unkind back. Take them cookies, shovel their snow or find other ways to demonstrate what love looks like.
 
Let your children know these people are afraid. They have a fear problem around certain words or actions that make them feel unsafe. If we see their behavior as scared, instead of judgmental and unkind, it’s easier to have compassion for them. They are doing the best they can with what they currently know and see, though ignorance isn’t innocence.
 
Suggestion for righteous people everywhere:
 
We would also like to offer some suggestions to you, who find yourselves feeling uncomfortable with people who are different from you, or not of your faith.
 
We hope you will be open minded and consider you might have some subconscious fear issues that arise when interacting with people who are different from you, and this might trigger behavior that is less than loving.
 
We all have subconscious biases in play, but that doesn’t excuse unloving behavior. It is always your responsibility to identify your discomfort around certain things or people, and force yourself out of your comfort zone. This is the only way to grow and learn to accept and embrace people, who are different.
 
We believe this one lesson (loving people who are different from you) is the primary lesson we are on the planet to learn and it is why the universe is filled with diversity. Diversity gives you an opportunity to see “the limits of your love” as they show you the boundaries of your comfort zone and challenge you to learn to love bigger. 
 
If you are uncomfortable around people of a different race, religion, or sexual orientation, people who drink coffee or wine, have tattoos, swear, or have gauged ears or piercings, you need to find some of those people post haste, and spend some time with them. Get to know them. It is simply a matter of choosing to expand your world. You will probably be surprised too, because these people are often the kindest you will ever meet.
 
We were at a conference recently and saw a transsexual woman sitting alone at a table. Because we haven’t had the opportunity to know many trans people, we could immediately see getting to know this person would be a good stretch for us. We asked if we could join her and had the most amazing time learning about the challenges she faces and feeling of her goodness. You must also do this kind of thing if you want to grow.
 
We also recommend asking yourself, what does being a righteous person mean to you?
The dictionary defines righteousness as: being morally right or virtuous.
 
This is definitely a noble pursuit, but that is about one’s own choices and behavior. You get to decide what your values are and what behavior you deem right, but it does not include putting those same values on others. As soon as you do that, you have moved from righteous to self-righteous.
 
The dictionary defines self-righteous as: believing one is totally correct or morally superior to others.
 
This is where it all goes wrong. When you believe you are morally superior to another person, you are no longer righteous, in our opinion. It is not right to push your beliefs on other people or scold them for language you have decided not to use. When you do this, it is not defending God’s name, it is making another person or family feel small. You are choosing to see some human beings as having more value (or being more right or better) than others, and this is a problem.
 
If you want to raise confident, loving, wise children, who grow into mature, kind adults, then teach them to see all human beings as having the same value, no matter the difference in their journeys, language or behavior.
 
We know you are trying to teach your children your values, which in this case includes the idea that drinking coffee and wine are bad. We understand the fear you have, that children, who don’t see drinking as bad, might be prone to do it. The problem is you are also raising judgmental children, who will miss out on getting to know a large number of amazing people all over the world, because their fear will overpower their ability to love them.
 
There is a way to explain to children though drinking is against your family’s personal values, it doesn’t make a person who drinks bad or less than you. You can teach the dangers of alcohol, while also teaching them to accept and love those who have different values. There are good kind people all over the world who drink responsibly and live healthy lives. You may also have a child who drinks at some point, and they need to know there is nothing they could do, to separate themselves from your love.
 
Most of all, make sure you are teaching children to accept and be kind to everyone and the only way to teach this is by example. If you have ever made a neighbor feel judged for being different, don’t underestimate the power of a sincere apology. It’s not too late.
 
You can do this. 

This was first published on KSL.COM

Question:

I just read your article on adult children rejecting the parent’s religion and I agree with what you’re saying, however, my heart is still hurting. I understand my pain is all about me and that I need to just love them, but I can’t help resenting my son and his wife for causing me this pain. He is my only son and I resent his wife taking him away from the way he was raised. I find myself resenting them and not wanting to hang out with them. I don’t want to feel this way, but my heart is so sad that there will not be baby blessings, baptisms and temple marriages for my grandchildren. I'm just not sure how to bridge the gap, stop grieving and feeling so emotional about it. Thank you for any thoughts on this.

Answer:

First, we want you to choose a perspective about why we are on this planet. Most people feel we are on the planet to do two things: 1. Learn, grow and become the best version of ourselves we can be and 2. To love and serve others and try to make a difference in their lives. We find these two ideas are consistent with most religions and life philosophies.

If you think these two ideas feel like truth to you, you might consider seeing life as a classroom. This philosophy means that everything that shows up in your life is there for one primary reason — to help you learn to love at a higher level.

We believe this experience might be in your life for that very reason. It has the potential to stretch you out of your comfort zone and teach you to love, forgive and accept people when it’s harder to do. It’s easy to love and accept people that are the same as us, it’s much more challenging to love those who are different. It’s especially difficult if their choices trigger fear of loss in you.

We want to make sure you really understand what a “fear of loss experience” is, as we define it. We believe there are two simple core fears which cause most of our suffering.

The first is the fear of failure and you experience this whenever you feel you aren’t good enough, or get insulted or criticized. This fear causes suffering, insecurity, stress and sadness as it makes us feel inadequate. This fear is easier to understand since you experience it to some degree every day.

Fear of failure experiences give you wonderful opportunities for growth. They can help you practice not caring what others think of you, getting your self-esteem from your intrinsic value instead of your appearance, or trusting that all human beings have the same value.

Fear of loss is also a wonderful classroom opportunity for growth. Loss is triggered whenever this moment or event (that you didn’t want to happen) is taking away from the quality of your life. If you get stuck in traffic, on the way to a big meeting, and you hate to be late — you are having a loss experience.

You can feel loss whenever people mistreat you or take from you, but you can also experience loss when life itself doesn’t turn out the way you wanted it to. You can feel robbed by life when you don’t get blessings or experiences other people get. Whenever you find yourself in self-pity around what you have been dealt, you are having a loss experience.

This is the most important part of this article we want to make sure you get this point – Life isn’t fair and no one gets the journey they wanted. They get the journey that fosters their growth best.

If we always got what we wanted, we wouldn’t grow, and that’s the point of the whole thing. One of the best things you can do for your mental health is to throw all your expectations about how your life should look out the window now.

Life is not going to meet your expectations. It’s going to be messy, ugly, painful and even embarrassing at times. It’s going to include some wins and some losses and sometimes it’s going to pull the rug out from under you completely. If you haven’t had those experiences yet, they are probably still coming.


We are not telling you this to scare you, because life is also going to be rich, wonderful, sweet, beautiful, amazing and thrilling too. The point is it’s going to surprise you and if you stay attached to your expectations, about how it should look at each stage, this is only going to create misery.

Instead, we recommend that you choose to trust the journey, the universe, or your higher power that it knows what it’s doing. Whatever interesting twist or turn your life has taken, that you didn’t see coming or didn’t want, it has a purpose for being here, and that purpose is always to serve you.

Having your son leave your religion is definitely not what you wanted, but it’s not as bad as a lot of other challenges you could be having. Talk to some people who have a child with cancer, or a child that died, or people who have a host of other awful challenges that life can throw at people. The truth is that you still have much more to be grateful for than you have loss.

Here are some things you can do to feel better about your situation:

1. Be grateful. Every day make a list of things you are grateful for in your life. This list will always be longer than the list of what isn’t right. Focus on your blessings every time you feel loss pain.
2. Find people to serve, who have it worse. Or even make a list of all the losses you could be having that would be worse than this one. Get rid of your self-pity around your situation and understand it does you no good.
3. See the universe as a wise teacher and trust it knows what it’s doing. Choose to see life as a perfect classroom that is providing the exact lessons you, your son and his family need to learn the lessons they need to learn.
4. Let go of the picture of what you thought life should look like. That was a fantasy and when you stay attached to it, think about it and wish for it, you create suffering. Choose to trust life instead.
5. Focus on how this could make you better, wiser or more loving. This is the most positive thing you can do. Focus on becoming a better you (not on fixing anyone else). This experience could make you more trusting, more unselfish, more faithful, peaceful and unconditionally loving. This is probably the whole reason you are having this experience so it deserves your focus. Every time you want to change your son, work on changing yourself instead.
6. Let go of the idea that you are right and they are wrong. Understand that from another person’s perspective your right is wrong. It’s all perspective and you must honor every person’s right to believe what they believe, and have the same value as you.
7. Love unconditionally. This means sincerely loving, giving and serving without any comments about your disappointment, feelings of sadness, or fear. For this to be sincere though, you really need to stop being afraid or sad. You must hand your fear over to your higher power and trust (that in perfect love and wisdom) everything will be fine. When you do this you actually release your son from needing to please you.
8. Release your son from needing to meet your expectations. This means you must need nothing from him and only be there to give love to him and his family. You don’t need them to please you or live a certain way for you, because you know you are safe, whole and cared for all the time. You are lacking nothing. If everything that shows up in your life is there to serve and bless you, then you are not deprived in any way. There is no loss if all is perfect.

Just play with this idea and see if it changes how much pain you feel. We find it completely changes loss experiences for us. We realize this idea (that you always get your perfect journey) is not something we can prove is true, but you also can’t prove it’s not true. This means you can, and actually have to, choose a perspective.

You can see yourself as at risk of having your life ruined, being taken from, robbed or deprived if you want to, but it will only create suffering. Or you can play with seeing yourself as whole, blessed and well. You could actually believe you can’t be deprived because the whole universe is conspiring to bless and educate you all the time. If it is always for your benefit, it’s not a loss. From this place of wholeness, it is a lot easier to love others unconditionally and let go of the pain.

Play with it and see how you feel.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach, speaker and people skills expert.