First published on KSL.COM
Question:

I have a really difficult mother-in-law, who continually disrespects my wife and I and our ability to parent our children. She often manipulates us with guilt to get us to do what she wants us to do, yet nothing we ever do is good enough either. When my wife has tried to talk to her mom about her behavior it blows up and she ends up mad at us. Whenever my wife and I fight my wife also runs to her mom with all the details, which is making the situation even worse. I am hoping you have some advice on the in-law topic that would be helpful to me and many others who have in-law challenges.

Answer:

I think it might serve us all to get some clarity on the problem and define some rules of engagement for everyone to follow.

Most of these mother-in-law relationship problems are created because the mother-in-law is suffering from a fear of loss. This is the fear of losing out, missing out, being mistreated or being taken from at some level. Many women feel like they are literally losing their child (a child who has the been the focus of their attention for many years) when the child marries. The mother-in-law may get controlling, needy and selfish in an effort to hold on, stay involved and feel a sense of importance in your life. They may subconsciously see the spouse as a threat and try to undermine the relationship (this could be a conscious effort, but it could also happen subconsciously.) Most of these women are trying to be good, loving people, but their fear is making them needy and selfish and they are missing your needs.

The problem with trying to talk to a person (who is suffering from this much fear) about their behavior, is they will only see it as an attack. If you can’t talk to her about the issues, then you must work on the tips below for you (including enforcing strong boundaries) and hope she gets it after a while. Or you could share this article with her and ask her for some other specific ways you could treat her better. Focus on how you can treat her better because you want to improve your relationship, and hope that she sees the wisdom in treating you better too.

Your mother-in-law is not a bad person though, she is just a scared person. What she needs is reassurance, validation, appreciation and to know that she is important and valued, and the good news is, you can give her these things without letting her control your life. You must enforce strong, resolute, but loving, boundaries with her and then let her process through any anger or drama she choses to experience about your boundaries on her own. You cannot feel guilty about it. The less you join in the drama, the more pointless the drama will become for her.

Here are some simple relationship rules for all married people and mothers-in-law to live by.

For all mothers-in-law:

1. Let your child and their spouse do things their own way. Let them learn to parent on their own (unless they ask for your advice). Respect their parenting decisions and trust that whatever they decide will be the perfect classroom journey for that child. It is not your job to intervene unless there is abuse or neglect happening.
   
   
2. Don’t be greedy. Understand that they (your child and their spouse) are going to need time alone, time with their spouse’s family, and time with your family. This means you are never going to get as much time as you’d like. That is just the way it has to be. Get used to it. Understand that the more demanding you are the less they’ll want to be with you. Instead of feeling left out, explore the possibility that there is a reason you are supposed to focus your time on your other children or your own spouse right now.
   
   
3. Let your child’s spouse be their first priority. If you love him/her you must let them choose their spouse over you. It’s supposed to be that way. If you make your child put you first, it will weaken their marriage, which will hurt them. Put your child’s needs before your own — that is a parent’s job
   
   
4. If you don’t like a situation or have concerns about your child, then talk to them privately in a loving, validating way. (If you don’t know how to have a mutually validating conversation get my book and learn how — its the most important life skill you can gain. The book is also full of family relationship advice.)
   
   
5. Compliment your child and their spouse as much as possible — never criticize. Criticism will poison your relationship. If you have a helpful suggestion, ask permission to share it. Say, “Would you kids be open to a suggestion on how you might handle this situation, or would you rather me stay out of it. I’m totally fine either way.” Don’t feel bad if they want to figure it out on their own.
   
   
6. Never say anything negative about your child’s spouse. Your job is to have compassion and love for everyone. If your child comes to you with complaints about their spouse understand they are sharing feelings (feelings that may change later). They are also sharing perspective, not necessarily truth. There are always two sides to every story. Try not to take sides, just be a listening ear and a source of support and love. As much as possible, encourage your child to stay loyal to their spouse on every level and to seek out professional help at the first sign of trouble.
   
   
7. Work on being a good friend to your child’s spouse. This means being loyal, supportive, understanding and compassionate to them. If you don’t like this person, get over it. For now, they are your family and your job is to love them as they are. This is what Godlike love is all about and this may be your perfect classroom to learn it.
   
   
8. Respect their space. Don’t stop by unannounced, don’t clean things they didn’t ask you to clean, walk in without knocking, or assume everything in their life is your business. Healthy boundaries create healthy relationships. Honor their wishes for their children. Don’t overly spoil or give your grandkids things their parents don’t want them to have. Honor their role as the parents and they will want you involved more often.
   
   
9. Don’t buy your daughter-in-law clothes or home decor as gifts, since her style might be different from yours. Gift cards honor who she is and prevent anyone getting offended.
   
   
10. In every situation try to put yourself in their shoes and think about how they might feel. Recognize your own fears of loss and set them aside — trust everything will be fine and act from love. Remember that your child and their spouse just want to be respected, admired, appreciated and wanted. Be a mother-in-law who gives this, and you will get it back.
    
    

Dr. Phil says, “You are a guest in their marriage and a guest in their home. You have to fold into their rules if you want to be welcome there.”

How to be a great son-in-law or daughter-in-law:

1. Insist that your parents accept your spouse and respect him or her. Do not tolerate them speaking ill of your spouse and DO NOT TAKE YOUR PERSONAL MARRIAGE problems to your parents. Be loyal to your spouse. If you are having problems, talk to your spouse about them or get professional help.
   
   
2. If your parents are causing problems in your marriage, limit the amount of time you spend with them. Your marriage has to come first. If your parents are unkind or disrespectful to your spouse, it is your job to defend him/her. You must be the one to ask your parents to treat your spouse right.
   
   
3. Support your spouse to have a close relationship with their parent if they want that. Don’t get possessive, needy, or worry about being left out. (That would be fear of loss energy, which isn’t attractive.) Show your spouse you support them and have no fear. This kind of love will be noticed and appreciated.
   
   
4. Be loyal to your spouse first. Your spouse has to come before your parents. You can have a close relationship with your parents but when push comes to shove, you must show your spouse they are number one. If you can’t do this, your marriage will suffer and your happiness too. Couples who stick together can handle any in-law problems together.
   
   
5. If you don’t like your mother or father-in-law, that’s fine, but you do have to respect them and care for them. Causing problems between your spouse and his/her parents will make your whole family suffer. Let the grandparents spend time with your children (unless abuse is in the mix) your kids will benefit.
   
   
6. Communicate and set clear boundaries and expectations ahead of time about what you need and expect. Don’t keep quiet, then resent your in-laws for not behaving the way you wanted them to. Just be honest. You can do this with love, by asking questions about how they feel and then asking if you can share what works for you. You really can be strong and loving at the same time.
   
   
7. Treat you in-laws the same way you treat your own parents. If you do anything for your mom, make sure you do it for your mother-in-law too.
   
   
8. Don’t expect parents or in-laws to be your source of free child care — unless they offer to do this for you. Make sure you don’t ask too much.
   
   
9. Ask your mother-in-law for advice on parenting, cooking and anything else she is into. You don’t have to take it. Just show her you appreciate her and admire her. Remember everyone wants to feel respected, admired, appreciated and wanted. Being someone who gives this feels amazing. You will like yourself if you are this kind of giver.

If you are still struggling with this, I highly recommend some relationhips skills training with a professional coach or counselor.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach and speaker.

First published on KSL.COM
Question:

I am so unhappy with my current job. I have a boss who blames things on me when problems are his fault. I am hesitant to leave though, because I know there are always problems wherever you work. No job is perfect. Why leave this position if there is going to be another kind of problem at a new job. I think I have issues with not being content anywhere and I always want things to be perfect, which they never are. How can I be more content where I am?

Answer:

Most of us think what we want in life is peace and security, the elimination of all problems, pains or worries. If we could just get rid of the problems, pains and worries then we would be happy. Because of this belief we are constantly trying to solve the problems, eliminate the pains and head off the worries. In the process of doing those three things, we learn, stretch and grow. Our greatest accomplishments and most important growth happens because of the problems we are trying to eliminate.

Kay Redfield Jamison, a clinical psychologist and writer, said, “I believe that restlessness and discontent are vital things; and that intense experiences and suffering instruct us in ways that less intense emotions can never do.” In the book Moral Knowledge it reads, “Some degree of discontent is necessary to encourage us to engage in the activities of self-realization through which we flourish”

I want you to understand this because life is not about being content and secure. You cannot grow there. You would not discover who you are.

Life is about growth and growth only happens through discontent and problems. You will find challenges wherever you work because that is the nature of life, but you can feel more content in your times of discontent if you see them accurately. If you feel bothered, unhappy or stressed by a situation, these feelings are telling you that it’s time to grow. It is time for some stretching, learning or changing. Pain is a signal that something needs to change.

If you find the same type of problems wherever you go or you keep suffering with discontent over the same types of issues again and again, there are a couple of reasons this may be happening:

1. This is just the nature of the classroom you signed up for. I believe you had a chance to choose some of your classes before you came here and built into that choice was the question, “How much do you want to learn?” You can take the AP classes or the easy A’s. Which might you have chosen? You may be a soul who signed up for the hard classes here in life, because you really wanted to learn a lot.
2. There may be a specific tendency in you that you are meant to overcome, so this lesson is repeating over and over until you see it and work on it. Whenever you have someone mistreating you (or whose behavior bothers you), step back from the situation and ask yourself, “What fear or pain is this mistreatment bringing out in me? Is this fear or pain something I had before this? Is this person bringing this tendency out in me so I can see it and work on overcoming it? Could this person be serving as a teacher in my journey to help me overcome this tendency?"
3. The universe may be pushing you towards an achievement or discovery. If you look at your past suffering you will see knowledge you gained during those times (sometimes it is hard to see while still in the middle of the challenge). You might have learned things about the human condition, gained empathy for other people, or discovered techniques to survive which may help others. In your current situation you can ask yourself “ Is there a skill or knowledge I could gain that can only be gained through this experience? What is the hidden gift for me (in surviving this)?” If you can’t see it yet, just trust it is there and you will see it eventually.

It is often from discontent, feelings of inadequacy, fear of failure or even a bout with depression that the seeds of great wisdom and growth are sown. Negative emotions or experiences are a good sign that school is in session and you are headed towards some important learning. Change is coming and you are about to become a wiser, stronger, better or more loving you.

You can try to avoid all pains and challenges, but you will find two problems with this. First, it is impossible and second, you will get bored pretty fast. The truth is that we are hard-wired to want challenges in life and to some extent we even seek them out. This is why we willingly participate in sports, push ourselves to run marathons, seek out games of chance and challenge, play with puzzles, mind twisters and video games (the more challenging the better). At a core level we like discontent, challenge and difficulty.

My grandfather is in his 90’s, and he still reads books to keep learning, pushes himself to run and spends time on difficult suduko or other puzzles. Human beings are bored without challenges.

Thomas Edison said, “Restlessness is discontent, and discontent is the first necessity of progress. Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a failure.”

Really successful people are never content for long. As soon as they find themselves content they look for another challenge. Some of you may attract challenging situations into your lives because you really subconsciously desire progress. Maybe you have challenges wherever you work because you are subconsciously desiring growth. Could this be you? Maybe you don’t want peace as much as you want improvement?

Buddha said life is suffering and we suffer because we are discontent with "what is." He encouraged men to stop craving and resisting "what is" and become equanimous with life (this means with equal emotion towards the bad and the good). He encouraged us to understand the real nature of life and embrace periods of discontent with the same emotion that we do periods of peace because they are both here to serve us and they will both pass because no state is permanent. To some this may sound like being content no matter what you get, but it’s more than that. It’s understanding discontent and content are both there to serve you. You must greet all experiences with gratitude and curiosity for the positive they will bring.

What I am suggesting is that you adopt a more positive attitude towards your pains, problems and worries. I realize this is not easy to do, but it is a worthy goal. When you see the classroom of life accurately, you will see that the universe is conspiring to serve you, educate you and bless you, and every experience is facilitating something positive in your life at some level.

I am battling chronic pain right now that isn't particularly fun, but it really is easier to handle when I focus on what this experience is teaching me and work to learn something from it I can use to serve others. I have an amazing friend who is battling Parkinson's disease with an amazingly happy attitude because he sees it as a grand opponent to battle and win.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Happiness is not a goal...it's a by-product of a life well lived.” Real happiness does not come through peace, security or easy living. It comes as a by-product of service, love, achievement, growth and other virtuous activities. We are happy when we are doing things, accomplishing things, growing, learning, creating, building and living. Yet all these activities are wrought with challenges to overcome and obstacles to navigate. So, I think we could accurately say - happiness comes from problems, pains and worries. Do you follow my logic?

You think that you are seeking contentment, peace, freedom from danger, risk, anxiety and doubt. You think that you want a state of tranquillity all the time, but seeking this may actually push happiness away.

Happiness comes from embracing the whole journey, especially the challenges, because you understand they are all part of the achievement. You will be happy when you focus on growing, becoming, giving and loving God, life, yourself and other people. You will be happy when you see the universe as a wise teacher and trust that every experience is here to serve you. You will experience the whole thing in a more positive way and suffer less.

You will be happier at work if you step back from the problems and focus on what you can learn from them and turn them into achievements. How could this experience make you better, stronger or more loving? If you can get more content with your discontent, you will find joy wherever you are.

You can do this. 

First published on KSL.COM
Question:
I just read your article on Spouses Who Can’t Forgive, but when the same problem happens again after your spouse has promised that it has ended. What do you do? Trust is a huge issue, how do you ever gain trust back after the continued lies and deception? Each time, I get upset, we fight, I forgive and try to forget. But then it happens again. I'm really struggling with continuing to be a forgiving spouse, when he seems determined to repeat this pattern. How should I handle this? Continue forgiving?
Answer:

This is a tricky question to answer, because everyone’s situation is very different. Some marriages are struggling because of one spouse’s bad behavior, while the other spouse is doing their part to support and love. Others have an unsupportive or unaffectionate spouse, whose unloving behavior is part of the problem. I have no idea which situation you are in, but I believe that each person must check their own behavior first.

Make sure that you have honestly asked what you can do different to help your spouse to change. Are you showing them they are wanted, appreciated, admired and respected by you? I know it is difficult when they are behaving badly, but your ability to see their intrinsic value, despite their challenges, makes a HUGE difference. You can make the process of changing much easier if you are encouraging and loving. Having said that, if you have done all these things and the bad behavior continues without much effort to change it, it may be time to get realistic.

There is nothing heroic about staying with someone who is behaving badly and making no effort to change. Also remember, you are teaching your spouse how to behave by what you allow. If you continue to allow bad behavior with no real effort to change, you are going to get more of it. You are also teaching your children, by example, how to treat you and how to treat their future spouse. So if your relationship is setting a bad example and making everyone miserable, you may want to rethink staying in it.

I strongly believe you alone, though, are the only one entitled to know if you should stay with your spouse and keep fighting to make the relationship work or get out. If you listen to your heart, you will know if your perfect classroom journey is in this marriage, or if your perfect journey is elsewhere. Listen to your heart and act on it. Don’t let me or anyone else tell you what you should do.

You will know what is right for you.

If you can’t tell what your heart is saying because there is too much fear is in the way, you may need some professional help to work through the issues. If you decide to keep working on your marriage, remember that trust is like a building, which can be completely destroyed in a minute, but takes a long time to rebuild. Rebuilding takes courage, perseverance and patience. There is no quick fix.

Here are some Do’s and Don’ts for this process:

• Don’t make your spouse’s infidelity or addiction problems about you. They are not personal and are not a reflection of your worth, attractiveness or value. You must understand that these problems are about them, their fears, their pain and their bad habits. They are not about you. If you take their behavior personally you will suffer unnecessarily and add drama to the situation, which won’t help. You must detach yourself from the issue somewhat and let your spouse solve the problem. When someone has a relapse with a pornography addiction, for example, don’t take it as a personal betrayal. You must not let your fear of not being good enough get triggered by this. This has nothing to do with you. There are many experts available who can help you understand the spouse’s side of addiction, and I strongly encourage you to seek one out, if you are in this situation.
• Don’t take on the role of their parent and create a child/parent dynamic in your marriage. It is not your job to check up on your spouse, monitor their actions or hold them accountable. You must make them responsible for their own behavior and expect them to handle it on their own. This will allow you to see them and communicate with them as an adult, which will create more respect and love in the relationship. Don’t ever speak to your spouse like they are a child. Speak to them with the same level of respect you want to get back.
• Don’t accept words as proof of change, only consistent actions and deeds can earn back trust. Changing this kind of behavior almost always requires professional help and takes a long time. If your spouse refuses to get professional help or only goes for a little while, I would be skeptical about their commitment level. Someone who is really ready to change will be humble, honest and open, and their behavior will be consistent and committed. That doesn’t mean they won’t relapse. No one is perfect at overcoming addiction on their first try. But again, don’t take a relapse personally. You must also create a safe space where your spouse can be honest about mistakes and keep working toward the goal. Again, your gut will know if the effort is honest or not genuine.
• Don’t hold back on trust when honest progress has been made. I see too many people who refuse to trust again, even when their spouse has earned it. Remember, if you decide to trust your spouse and they betray that trust, the bad is on them, but if you don’t give trust, and your spouse is really trustworthy, the bad is on you. It would be better to error on the side of trusting too soon, than withholding trust from someone who has earned it.

Do’s

• Constantly work on communication skills and have mutually validating conversations often. Learning how to have mutually validating conversations is key to a good marriage. You must learn how to listen, understand and validate your spouse and do it often. Every married person should be a life-long student of communication skills. Read books, watch videos or attend seminars. There are even numerous articles about this on KSL or my website which will help.
• Have healthy boundaries and enforce them with strength and love. This means deciding what kind of life and relationship you want (and what you aren’t willing to put up with) and letting your spouse know what your boundaries are. Your spouse gets to decide how they are going to behave and you get to decide if that works for you or not. For example: You may have a boundary to not allow people to tear you down verbally. If your spouse starts to do this, you will hang up, leave the room, or the house. If your spouse keeps doing this you will kindly leave the relationship. You may need to spend some time thinking about what your boundary rules need to be. What behaviors have allowed in the past and then resented your spouse for? You shouldn’t allow those in the future.
• Get professional help at the first sign of problems. Every expert agrees that if people would just get help sooner, most problems could be easily fixed. The problem is, most couples wait until the problem is so big and deep it’s terribly hard to fix. Don’t wait. Get professional help now.
• Be positive, encouraging and praise good behavior. Make sure your spouse feels appreciated for every good thing they do, respected for their good choices, admired for their good qualities and wanted despite their faults. If you do this, you can rest assured that you are doing your part.
• Create a safe space for your spouse to be honest with you. If you want them to be honest, YOU must be able to handle the truth in trust and love. People lie to protect themselves or you. If you want total honesty, you must be someone who can handle hearing bad news without freaking out. If you have trouble with this, you may need some counseling or coaching to deal with your fears.
• Check out Matt Townsend’s KSL article on Rebuilding Trust After Pornography. Here is the link. It has some terrific advice on rebuilding trust.

Broken trust is like melted chocolate: No matter how hard you try, you can’t return it to it original shape. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t good. You can make some beautiful things with melted chocolate, if you put some effort and love into it.

f you decide melted chocolate isn’t for you and your heart says it’s time to move on, don’t be afraid to make that decision. Sometimes it's better for everyone.

Follow your heart and you will know what to do.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach and speaker.