This was first published on KSL.com

Question:
My husband and I have six children and have always had a happy home, or until the last few years anyway. We have always been a close family but the last few years we can’t seem to connect well with our older kids. I understand that the changes of puberty and high school can be overwhelming but my older children seem to be angry, disconnected and impatient with us and their younger siblings. What can I do to diffuse all this hostility and connect my family again?

Answer:

The real reason that anyone behaves in a badly is they are scared of failure — not being good enough, or loss — the fear of missing out, being mistreated, or being taken from. It is these fears, which cause us and our kids to feel grouchy, angry and even mean at times.

During the teenage years, children are experiencing more fear and insecurity than ever before. They are also going through a natural process of starting to pull away from the family, so they can eventually become independent adults. The two of these factors together can make for a great deal of moody anger and rude behavior.

Anger, frustration and negativity that come across as misdirected rage towards the family, are really suppressed fear. When anger and fear are shut down, not accepted or pushed aside they can be suppressed, which can lead to exaggerated and explosive behavior.

Just like happiness and sadness, frustration and anger are emotions that require validation and time. We must validate the feelings that come up in our older children, listen to them, and honor their right to be experiencing this and feeling the way they do, instead of just correcting them. They must be allowed to be angry, scared and grouchy at times. However, guidance is often needed to teach teens how to process and express their anger in acceptable ways. You must understand the huge boil of emotions they are experiencing at this time, and focus more on connection than correction.

Suppressed anger can look like these three behaviors in your teen — denial, withdrawal and brooding.

• Denial — this is the complete disconnection and denial of any and all feelings. Often in this stage we see children abandon their responsibilities, reject the ones they love, and step away from their connection to their families. Their suppressed anger can be diffused by opening up the conversation and allowing space for the emotions to be explored. Denial is the result of disregarding what they are feeling and not making time to feel the anger and process what it is really about. If you haven't been a safe pace in the past and have lectured more than you listened, you may have to apologize for that and it may take a while for your teen to trust you enough to open up with you. But you can fix this with respect, time and commitment to honor them and what they need.
• Withdrawal - this is most commonly the behavior we see as the knee-jerk reaction to anger and frustration. We see children pull back, shut down and not share what is in their minds and heart. A gentle and patient approach is required here to again provide a safe space and the respect that will encourage your child to open up and connect. Allow your child to have some say in how and when they communicate their feelings, though, rather than trying to push too hard which can lead to greater withdrawal.
• Brooding — we see this commonly in teenagers, as the anger and fear are festering and internalized. Brooding anger is often the calm before the storm. Explosive anger and misdirected rage can be the outcome and although unpleasant, it is much healthier at this stage than holding it inside. Validation around their right to feel the way they do and asking if they are in the mood to talk about their frustrations is a great way to start a conversation. Expression is always better than suppression. Share with your teen the side-effects that come from suppressing anger, which include stress, anxiety, depression, poor sleep and damage to relationships with others.

Suppressed anger and the behaviors associated with it can be corrected as you move your teen out of fear into greater trust and love. There is a great worksheet on our website that steps you through an Emotional Autopsy to process emotions. I highly recommend you get it and look for ways to show your teen how to use it. If they are interested in trying it, take a picture of it with your phone and text it to them. (But only do this if you have asked if they are interested and say they want it.) You can also help them to experience less fear by teaching them (by example and the things you say) the two important principles below, which help lessen fear.

• Teach them that they (and all human beings) have the same infinite, unchanging, intrinsic value, which means we are always good enough - because life is a classroom not a test. This principle helps them to feel safer and takes the fear of failure off the table. Teens are especially scared of the opinions of other people and you must keep reminding them that opinions can’t change their value, and no person can be better or worse than anyone else.
• Help them understand that everything that shows up in their life is a lesson. Every day the universe is bringing them opportunities to learn and become stronger, wiser and more loving. When they can see each experience as a lesson, it changes the amount they suffer. They see the world as there to serve them, not to torture them.

Another great way to connect to your teen is to make sure you get some one on one time with them every week. Make this a time of fun and be engaged in learning about your child’s life and mindset, instead of just approaching this time as disciplinary correction or getting to the bottom of their issues. Take them out for food (they love that) and make sure there is no lecturing or interrogations. This is a time to listen and validate their right to be where they are and think they way they do. You might want to make sure you have our Validating Communication Worksheet and study it beforehand so you handle this right.
Like all of us, children and especially teenagers want to be heard, accepted and acknowledged. Listen to them and invest in the relationship. Speak about your concerns from a place of vulnerability (sharing your fears) instead of your authority and really make the effort to show up consistently each week. Share with your child how you see every situation in your life an opportunity to learn and how this helps you come out of fear and into greater trust and love.
Some great questions to ask teens when you are together include:

• How are you feeling about life right now?

• Is there anything I can do, to show up for you more and give you more support?

• Is there any way that we as your parents can improve how we handle situations in our home?

By asking these questions you are showing willingness and openness to listen, learn from them and validate their feelings. You are not surrendering your power here or giving them authority in your home, but you are creating connection and the space for solutions to be found and feelings to be expressed, which can stop the denial, withdrawal and brooding. We believe these kinds of conversations are especially important for at-risk teens because teen suicide is on the rise.
Be patient with these conversations and drop your expectations or attachments to a specific outcome. Trust that with greater connection your child will feel safer and safer. Anger and misdirected rage take time to heal. Your child may also need some professional help to gain some new skills for dealing with their thoughts, emotions and experiences at school. Check out some of the coaching options we offer for parents and teens.
Feel reassured that the foundations you continue to lay down for your children are never in vain. No matter what the age of your children, they watch you and your behavior as an example and crave connection and validation from you. Do your best to make sure your language and your behavior heal instead of hurt. Commit to validating and continue to pour into your relationship with them. Here is a link to access many other articles and tips for dealing with teens.
You can do this.

Master Life Coaches Kimberly Giles and Nicole Cunningham run www.claritypointcoaching.com and offer coaching workshops and classes for both parents and teens.

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

My mother is extremely dramatic and easy to offend. She creates drama and problems in our family all the time because she handles things so immaturely. I can see that in some ways I’m starting to become like her too. But I’ve watched this my whole life and I don’t want to behave that way? How can I break the cycle and learn to handle life better than she does?

Answer:

You are talking about being an emotional mature person, who responds to life appropriately with strength and wisdom. Some people were lucky enough to have emotionally mature parents, who taught them how to see situations accurately, process emotions logically and respond maturely, but it sounds like you didn’t get that, so you will have to find better tools, skills and techniques to help you break the cycle.

Your mother is doing the best she can with what she knows though, she just doesn’t know a better way to handle herself. She is running on autopilot with her subconscious programming running the show.

Neuroscientists tell us the 95 percent of our choices we make subconsciously. This means most of the time instead of consciously choosing our behavior, we are just unconsciously reacting. The scary part is that most of our reactions come from ideas, conclusions, procedures and rules we learned before we were 7 years old. They say from 0 to 7 are the formative years where we set our beliefs about ourselves, people and life. Then the rest of our lives we can react the way we learned as a child.

You can break the cycle of immature behavior, though, and learn how to respond more accurately and appropriately. You can develop what we call CLARITY (the ability to see yourself, other people and situations accurately). You can gain better techniques, tools and skills in the area of human behavior, but you might need some professional help to get you there.

You can download an Emotional Maturity Test on my website to see where you are and what skills you need to become more mature.

Here are 14 ways to strengthen your emotional maturity:

1. Practice a pause. Pause before you respond to any situation. Let go of your first emotional response and ask yourself, “Are there any other options, which might produce better results than this first reaction will? Put your options on paper and think through what each one will create and if that is what you want.
2. Remember we all have the same value. Work on being less judgmental and remind yourself that everyone is in a different class (in the classroom of life) than you are, but we all have the same intrinsic worth.
3. Practice putting yourself in another person’s shoes. Figure out what they are afraid of and see how fear is driving their behavior and what they need to feel safe. If you can give reassurance or validation first, to quiet their fears, the rest of the interaction will go better.
4. Let go of your need to be right. It is very immature to need to win every argument. Practice agreeing to disagree and not needing to have the last word.
5. Be more flexible. When you don’t get your way you react from a fear of loss, which is selfish and controlling. Whenever you are overly attached to your expectations you are setting yourself up to suffer. Be more willing to trust the universe that whatever experience it brings, it is here to serve you in some way. Go with the flow more often.
6. Choose gratitude. In every moment of your life there will be things to complain about, but even more to be grateful for. Your mood depends on where you focus. Choose to focus on what’s right more than what’s wrong.
7. Be quick to apologize for any bad behavior. The more real, authentic and vulnerable you are, the better your connections with others will be. Don’t try to look perfect, it pushes people away from you. People want to know you’re flawed and genuine – they feel safer with you if you are.
8. Work on your Self-Esteem and how you value yourself. This is the most important thing you can do for better relationships, because fear of failure creates such immature behavior. Choose to see your intrinsic value (and everyone else’s) as unchangeable and equal, because life is a classroom, not a test.
9. Be committed to personal growth. Accept that you will always have more to learn. Be open and teachable in every moment. The universe is constantly conspiring to educate you. When you see every experience as a lesson, you show up wiser and more mature.
10. Handle disappointments with grace. Life is going to disappoint you, and often. Get used to it. Choose to trust that there is a reason for every experience and that the universe knows what it’s doing. The less you resist “what is” the less you will suffer.
11. Be more personally responsible. Whatever situations you are experiencing in your life, at some level you are responsible for them. You may be a victim to some degree, but are you now choosing to stay there? When you own responsibility you also own the power to change things. If you a victim of circumstance, you are powerless. Claim the power to create something different in your life.
12. Be a thinker not a reactor. Nathaniel Branden wrote an amazing book called "The Psychology of Self-Esteem." In his book he explains that as human beings we are destined to be thinkers, not instinctive reactors. When we react without thinking, with little awareness of others, or from a place of fear, we will end up hating ourselves. He believes it is only when we gain control of ourselves and our emotions and learn to think through situations and respond rationally, that we like ourselves.
13. Practice basing behavior on principles not emotions. Braden says psychological maturity is the ability to think about principles, not emotions. Psychological immaturity is being overtaken with emotion and losing sight of the bigger picture. He says, “Only if we have a rational approach to our emotions can we be free of paralyzing self-doubt, depression and fear.” You may need to sit down and put on paper what your values and principles are and how you are going to live them.
14. Create new healthy policies and procedures. In my book Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness, at the end of every chapter you are asked to write a personal policy (principle) or a procedure (process) that will help you respond to situations more logically and maturely. You have to write a policy about and how your value is determined, a procedure for handling situations when someone offends you and a process to run through in your mind to help you calm down when upset (and many more). The first step to more mature behavior is to change your personal policies and beliefs.

Don't be discouraged if this feels difficult to do at first. Many of my clients initially feel it is impossible to change, but I promise: You can do it. It just takes education and a lot of practice.

Set a small goal to work on one aspect of your emotional maturity each week. Put a reminder (as your wallpaper on your phone) to remind you. If you work on it one piece at a time, you will get there. I also recommend you find a coach or counsellor to help though. A little professional guidance goes a long way.

You can do this.
​
Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

By Nicole Cunningham and Kim Giles

This was first published on KSL.com 

Question:

My wife continues to bring up all of my mistakes from the past with any little issue in our marriage. No matter how many times I apologize and try to make amends, it seems that nothing is ever good enough for her. I’m trying to be patient and hope things will change, but everything is always my fault. We have some really big issues in our marriage which I want to solve, but how can I even begin when she says I am the problem and she isn’t? There is fault on both sides.

Answer:

In order for you to get some peace here and learn to communicate with your spouse without fighting, you must first see her and your behavior more accurately.

We all hurt people when we are in pain or fear. No matter what the circumstances are, it is only from our pain that we attack others. This means that attacks are really more about the attacker and their fears, than they are about you, the victim. Think about that for a minute.

To understand your wife (and her need to continually bring up the past) I encourage you to look deeper into her life and heart, with a greater level of compassion. When she brings up the pain she has experienced and holds it over your head, it’s just because she is still hurting and scared. She also finds it necessary to cast you as the bad one, because seeing her own faults would be more painful than she can emotionally handle.

All bad behavior comes from two core fears, the fear of failure, not being good enough and the fear of loss, being taken from or losing out. When you can clearly see which fear is in play with your wife (and it could be both of them) you will see the attacks differently. You will also have more compassion, because you will see her as scared more than mean or bad. When you see her bad behavior as fear, you will begin to disassociate yourself from the attack and experience more compassion for her and yourself.

There is a great Understanding Your Marriage worksheet on my website, which will help you to delve deeper into the fears that are showing up in your marriage. I encourage you to fill it out and be really honest with yourself.

It takes a brave, rational and objective person to be able to disassociate from their pain and fear, and see the ways they have contributed to a problem. Most of us are not good at this. Instead, we exhibit a lot of blaming, projecting behavior.

There are several ways you can bring more compassion and love into the conflicts and confrontation you experience in your home:

1) Choose to see every attack as a request for love. People who attack you are in pain, because of their fears for and about themselves. If they have a fear of failure they need reassurance and validation that they are still worthy of love and understanding. They need to be reminded that all people have the same value. If they have fear of loss they need reassurance that things will work out ok. I tell my spouse and children, if I get mad or upset, just remind me that I’m good enough and that God’s got me safe in his hands, and I will probably calm right down. (I only get upset when I have forgotten these two truths.)

2) Choose to see meaning in everything. I love to read about the strength and optimism of Victor Frankl, an Austrian psychiatrist and a Holocaust survivor. He was the first to discover that when you see meaning in every experience, even the most brutal ones, you will suffer less. I choose to see life is a classroom and believe we are here to learn and grow. This brings meaning to every interaction with my spouse, because I see it as today’s lesson on love. When I see every interaction as a lesson I naturally challenge myself to be more mature and show up with more love. This small perspective shift will allow you to suffer less in the problems.

3) Focus on improving yourself. Viktor Frankl said, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”This is one way to face negativity, criticism and fear. Take them as a challenge and rise above the attacks and choose love anyway. When you refuse to take the bait and join in the fight, it also highlights your spouse’s immature behavior and she can see it better. She would prefer you to sink to her level and behave badly back (this would give her more ammunition to cast you as the bad one). If you refuse to sink to her level and calmly show up with grace and kindness, she will be forced to see that she’s the one who is in the wrong. Don’t do this from ego though, to show you are better than her. Remember you have the same value all the time, you are just learning different lessons.

4) Healthy Communication - Accept responsibility that you are 50 percent of the problem in your communication. Even if the way your spouse behaves is not heathy, you can still create change and be more respectful and loving. It’s not easy to stay respectful when you are being attacked, but you can do it with some new tools and practice. There is a great worksheet on mutually validating conversations on my website. It involves being willing to see her as the same as you (not casting her as the bad one) and being willing to ask questions and listen first, before you ask her to understand you. When someone is in fear and attacking you, what they need most is validation and reassurance to calm their fear. Only when their fear is quieted will they be capable of hearing you.

5) Focus on the future not the past. Too often we drag up the past and use it to toxify the present. When we bring up the past we are also talking about things the other person can’t change and it makes people frustrated and defensive. Make the decision to keep the focus on future behavior not past behavior. The future they have control over and we can make changes there. Be prepared to ask your spouse if she would be willing to let the past go and focus on what you are both willing to do differently moving forward.

(You might want to each write down on paper all the things in the past you are still hurt about. Agree to let them go and forgive, so you can both do better moving forward. Put these papers in a box and bury them deep in the backyard. Make an agreement that you won’t bring up those past mistakes ever again, unless you are willing to go dig up the box first to do so.)

Healing relationships takes time and takes commitment. See if your spouse wants a better relationship than the one you currently have, and explain that you can’t create happiness at the same level of thinking you were at when you created the problems. You must learn something new.

Find a course, coach or counselor who specializes in dealing with fear and upskilling your communication, and preferably one who works with each of you independently. We find that couples do better when each person works to fix their side of the problems on their own first.

Despite all of the pain and the uncertainty, remain in trust that this is your perfect classroom. This set of circumstances has shown up for a reason (to help you grow) and it is exactly where you are meant to be. You always marry your best teacher and when you choose to see her as your teacher (who is meant to push your buttons so you can work on them) it will change how you feel.

You can do this. 

This was first published on ksl.com
Question:

"Recently I watched a person who I’m close to and care about, treat another person I care about very badly. It made me so angry.

I found myself getting more and more angry the more I thought about it. I finally decided I had to say something because it was wrong and if no one else was going to speak up, I needed to.

I put them in their place, and I admit I might have been a little harsh, but I felt right about it. Now people are saying I shouldn’t have said anything.

So, I’m wondering, what would say is the right thing to do? Should we speak up and defend others when they are mistreated or should we just stay quiet?"

Answer:

The answer is…it depends.

It depends on a number of important factors, but before I give those factors to you, I want to make sure you understand that most people believe there are only two ways to respond to mistreatment. They are...

1) You allow the bad behavior to go on (and even allow yourself or other people to get walked on) because you are afraid it would be unkind or mean to speak up.

In this case you may be overly selfless, but also feel you are being nice and loving. People often refer to themselves as too nice here, but usually it is about feeling scared of hurting others. You would rather be mistreated and be a doormat, than speak up and risk hurting another person’s feelings or have them not like you.

2) You speak up and defend yourself and other people, because it is more important to be strong and right, than nice or loving.

In this case you tend to be overly selfish and strong, but sometimes too harsh and unkind. You feel OK about this because you see the other person as a threat to you or others.

People may say you are blunt, but it is more than just being strong enough to be honest, because it often comes from ego and even enjoyment in being right. You may think it’s better to err on the side of harsh and mean, than to be a doormat.

Think about those two options for a minute. Do you subconsciously believe these are your only two options? I’d like to introduce you to a third option.

3) I call this “the middle way” and you basically take the loving (from the 'weaker perspective) and the strong (from the 'mean' perspective) and putting them together. You learn to be both strong and loving at the same time.

This approach means speaking up, but doing it in a validating, kind, uplifting way that honors the value of both parties at the same time.

In order to find the "middle way" you must learn to quiet your fear and come from a space of trust and love instead.

This middle way may be foreign territory to you though, if you never had a parent or role model who behaved like this. You may need some coaching or to get some people skills in order to master it.

Here are 6 factors that should be in place if you are going to speak up or defend against mistreatment the right way:

1. You must trust the infinite, absolute and equal value of every human being on the planet.
   
   This means being very aware that despite errors this other person may have made, they still have the same value as you. This means you are not speaking down to them or treating them like they are less than you. This isn’t about being nice; it’s about being accurate.
   
   You may not have made this mistake, but you have made others. Get off your high horse and make sure you can talk to this person as a peer and as an equal, with respect and even validation of their worth.
   
   
2. You must remember life is a classroom and whatever happened – the reason it happened – is to give someone (or everyone involved) a lesson on being stronger, wiser or more loving.
   
   Everything that happens can be seen this way (if you choose this perspective).
   
   There can be purpose and meaning in every experience and your number one job then, is to figure out the lesson in it for you, before you focus on a lesson for another person.
   
   Sometimes you will be the teacher and it will be your place to give feedback, but other times you are also the student.So, before you put on the teacher's hat and set another person straight, make sure you have taken stock of how this situation can make you more mature, wise or loving. Figure out your lesson first.
   
   
3. Make sure it is really your place to teach this lesson to this person.
   
   Is it really your role or responsibility? If you honestly feel it is your place, go to number 4.
   
   
4. How would God or the universe want or expect this feedback to be given?
   
   Would harsh or mean behavior ever be the right way? Or would it make more sense to handle this with love, respect and validation?
   
   There is an Assessment on my website that shows on paper your subconscious tendency toward harsh mean behavior and/or weak or co-dependent behavior. You might find that interesting to see which way you unconsciously lean.
   
   
5. Would this person be more open to learning, growing or changing from this experience, if they were treated with respect and love?
   
   Sometimes when feedback feels like an attack, the walls go up and people get defensive and when this happens learning is less likely to take place.
   
   Once they get defensive they dig in and defend their bad behavior because the attack is now about their worth as a person. They will not be open to learning anything at this point.
   
   In order to create a space where someone feels safe enough to learn and grow, they must first feel validated and cared about. You must make them feel their worth, then ask if they would be open to some feedback. There is a Mutually Validating Communication Formula Worksheet on my website which will take you through handling conversations this way.
   
   
6. Check yourself and make sure you are coming from a place of love towards all parties involved, not a place judgment and criticism.
   
   Make sure you are not seeing yourself as better than anyone else. Make sure your agenda is to help them becoming stronger, wiser or more loving and the feedback is about serving them not condemning them.

Your original question was, “Should we speak up and defend others when they are mistreated or should we just stay quiet?”

My answer is YES, you should speak up if you can speak up, with the 6 factors above guiding you. If you aren't the right person or can’t do it the right way, then you should stay quiet until you can.

It means in cases where you value the relationship with this other person, and want to have a healthy one relationship, you might check your anger and ego at the door first, so you don’t destroy the relationship. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

This was first published on ksl.com

Question:

My teenage son has been battling depression for the last three years. He says he doesn’t have any choice but to endure this, as if it’s a life sentence. As his parents we have tried to get him to therapy and help with the cost of medication but he refuses our every attempt to help him. He doesn’t want to talk about it either. What can we do, we feel so powerless and are so worried about our son?

Answer:

Depression is rough and it’s made even rougher by the stigma many feel about getting help for it. Many think getting help for mental illness means you're weak, messed up or broken. Because of this many refuse to get help and suffer for years convinced there is no way out. Just as equally, the support people, who love those who suffer, can feel the same way. It can feel like a lose-lose situation, but there are things you can do to make getting help and getting better easier.

Here are some things to consider for everyone dealing with depression or anxiety:

1. Change the way you see human value. Depressed people are often paralyzed with the fear of failure (the fear they aren’t good enough) and this can make them reluctant to get help, because they are afraid it will make them look bad to others or they won’t be able to do it and will fail. They subconsciously think “not getting help” feels safer. Understanding thatthis is just a reaction to their fear of failure can reduce the frustration in the support person. Many people with depression despite their terrible emotional pain would rather stay with the familiar than risk failing. Speaking to them about the idea that there is no such thing as failure because life is a classroom, not a test, will help. Remind them that all human beings have the same intrinsic worth all the time and no illness, no action, no medication or treatment can change a person’s value. Make seeing all people as the same (in value) a regular discussion in your home. The more your family sees others with less judgment and more accuracy, they less fear of failure they will experience.

• Focus on the journey, not the destination. Don’t think you can't be happy until you are completely cured from depression or anxiety. Changing mental health is a process (to change your thinking, your brain chemistry and your life skills), and this process takes time. What you are looking for is progress, not perfection. Make sure they understand that this is the nature of life, it is constantly changing, but not overnight. If we focus too much on the destination, we can’t enjoy the journey. We can’t wait until we get there to be happy. You are here in this place today, focus on making the most of it, choosing gratitude and joy and celebrating the small wins and blessings.
• Believe there are no mistakes, only lessons. Many people with depression are fearful of making decisions, but you will remain stuck until you get out of your comfort zone and take a risk. Decisions become easier when you choose to believe everything in life has purpose and meaning in it. Teach your family to see the universe as a wise teacher, who uses every choice we make to teach, educate and serve us. It turns every choice into a perfect lesson, and no matter what you choose you will benefit from the perfect lesson that choice creates. Encourage your depressed child to celebrate thesuccess of making a decision to try something new. That is a win no matter what they choose.
  
• Upskill and gain some new tools. In order for change and progress to be made there must be a change in knowledge. In the same way that we cannot expect a middle school student to complete high school math, we cannot expect a person who suffers depression to be happier, more balanced and functional without more skills and knowledge. Many people who suffer with chronic and long-term depression are there because they aren’t getting new information, knowledge or skills to make changes. By failing to invest in help that gives them medical support or new tools and techniques, the same behavior continues. The key to beating and managing mental illness is upskilling (and getting chemical support when necessary). There are many ways to cope, adapt and manage our emotions, thinking and behavior. Dr Phil said it best — “the best indicator for future behavior is past behavior.” That is, until we get some new strategies for thinking, feeling and behaving better.
• Get the whole family involved. It will help a depressed person greatly if the whole family will change and learn new coping skills together. The best therapeutic and functional outcomes for people with depression happen when the whole family works on the new skills together. If the whole family doesn’t learn the new skills, there will still be relationship and communication triggers, which will continue to keep the depressed person stuck. If the solutions undertaken are holistic and include exercise, better diet, natural supplements and homeopathic remedies, the potential for change is also much greater. We see families who are all willing to make these changes alongside those with the depression, have more successful outcomes. If the depressed person is refusing to go to therapy or coaching, you might try taking the whole family to a class. We offer a monthly Life Coaching Family Night, that will upskill everyone to think, feel and behave better. New thinking skills really take hold if the whole family learns the principles and practices them together.
• Learn about psychological differences. Learn about the different psychological inclinations of each family member, because they each have unique fears, values and behavior patterns that can lead to depression or anxiety. By understanding these it becomes easier to see how this happened and the choices available to them to become happier and experience more self-love. To learn more about your psychological inclinations and the core fears that lead to depression or anxiety, visit our website.

So where do you get started? Do you drag the depression sufferer to therapy kicking and screaming or give ultimatums? Absolutely not! It is more helpful to talk through their concerns around getting help and express your love for them and desire for them to be happier. In turn express your willingness to stand by them every step of the way and to learn some new skills and techniques with them. Let them know there are also lots of homeopathic options to address the chemical or physiological side of depression, and taking a drug is only one of them.

Every person who suffers depression must choose to keep trying to find solutions or remain stuck. Most people do best with lots of tools to help navigate their negative feelings and emotions along with a healthy diet and regular exercise. Be patient with him though and remain aware that this is your perfect classroom to have this person who needs your patience in your life.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com and the author of the book "Choosing Clarity. Coach Nicole Cunningham is a master coach and homeopathy specialist.