This article was first published on KSL.com

Question:
My spouse has done some things that really bother me. He is now committed to making our marriage work, but I just can’t let his past bad behavior go. I’m trying to forgive, but I can’t seen to really get there and there is a definite wedge between us. I have no idea how to fix it? Is there anyway to fully repair our relationship and be happy with him again?
Answer:

It is possible to fix your relationship and even fall back in love again, but it is only possible if you are both willing to forgive past mistakes and see this situation accurately as a lesson in love.
I believe life is a classroom and every experience you get here is a lesson with the primary purpose of teaching you how to love yourself and other people at a deeper level. If that is true, it makes sense that you would get a lot of opportunities to forgive past mistakes, faults, flaws, differences and disagreements. It is in doing this you learn real love.

I believe that your family (children and spouse) are going to be your primary forgiveness classroom because they are the ones who best push your buttons, scare you and hurt you. You must choose to see these family problems accurately — as lessons in love. This will change how you feel about them.

Here are a couple principles of truth that will help you to better understand and practice forgiveness:

1. Forgiveness is the key to happiness. It is the only way to peace, confidence, security and love. You will never be happy without it because no one is perfect. If you get hung up on their imperfections you will be incapable of love and happiness cannot exist where there is no love.
   
   Your spouse did wrong, it sounds like, and this was an especially painful wrong, but you must remember you aren’t perfect either. Even though you may not have made this same mistake, you have made others, and I guarantee there is a downside to being married to you too (there is for all of us). If you want to be happy and have a healthy relationship, you must let the past go.
2. You alone are responsible for the pain you are experiencing. You must understand that no situation can cause you pain without your choosing it because your thoughts and your attitude are in your control. No one can take away your pain or give you pain. You alone have that power. If you struggle to understand this principle, readmy article about choosing to be upset. You must grasp the truth that you are in control of your thoughts and feelings. If you haven’t let go of this issue it is because there is a part of you that wants to hold onto it. You are probably doing this so you can use it to cast your spouse as the bad guy and yourself as the good guy, which makes your ego feel better. You will let it go of this when you are ready to choose happiness over being right.
3. Your spouse is guilty of bad behavior, but he is not less of a person than you are because you both have the same infinite and absolute value. You both have the same value no matter how many mistakes either of you makes. This is true because your value cannot change. Life is a classroom and your value isn't on the line. That does not mean you and your spouse aren’t really in need of some more education to improve your behavior, but this lack of knowledge and need for improvement does not affect your value. You must stop casting them as the bad guy and yourself as the good guy or that wedge will never go away.
4. Forgiveness is really about seeing yourself and others accurately — as innocent, completely forgiven, struggling, scared, messed up, but perfect students in the classroom of life with lots still to learn. Most of us think forgiving is about seeing people as guilty and condemning them for their mistakes, but then trying to pardon them because you know you should.
5. If you try to forgive this way it will never happen. You will still be hung up on the fact that they don’t deserve it. Forgiveness will never work when it’s a gift undeserved. This mindset is too bogged down in judgment.
   
6. Real forgiveness is about letting go of judgment and understanding that perfect love has already forgiven all the wrongs, pain and hurt on both sides of this. The entire past has been wiped clean of all selfish, fear-based bad behavior. It is gone except for the resentment you are holding onto. It is time to let go and accept forgiveness for both of you.
   
   Real forgiveness is about seeing both of you as scared, struggling students in the classroom of life, doing the best you can with what you know but in need of more education. The universe is going to provide this education and eventually you will both figure out what you did wrong and why, and get your act together. In the meantime, you must give each other permission to be a work in progress and not crucify each other for mistakes.
   
   
7. Forgiveness is about giving the gift of innocence to others because you want it for yourself. It is about understanding that you get what you give.
   
   The key to forgiveness lies in one very simple choice that you must make over and over, every moment of your life. What energy do you want to live in — judgement energy or forgiveness energy?
   
   You can live in judgment of others, condemning and crucifying them for past mistakes. But if you choose this, you must understand that you won’t be happy with it. You will also experience low self-esteem. This happens because if you choose a judgment mindset you are giving power to the idea that people aren’t good enough and this will subconsciously feel true about you too. (This is just how it works.) You will never feel good about yourself if you choose judgement.
   
   Your other option is to choose to forgive yourself and others and completely let go of every misconceived, stupid, selfish, fear-based mistake either of you has ever made. You can choose to see these mistakes for what they really were — bad behavior born of confusion, self-doubt, lack of knowledge and fear. You can choose to see everyone as innocent and forgiven by perfect love for all these mistakes, and in doing so, let them and yourself start over with a clean slate every day. If you choose this mindset you will feel safe, loved, whole and good about yourself all the time, no matter what you do.
   
   How do you want to live?
   
   

(This obviously does not mean you should put up with abuse though. You should ask for and expect people to honor your value the same way you will honor theirs. If someone refuses to do this, and really is abusive you may choose to love and forgive them from afar and not maintain a relationship with them. Only you are entitled to know what is right for you. Trust your heart.)

If you continue to struggle with forgiveness, I really encourage you to work with a counselor or coach who can help you battle the mindset issues that make forgiveness difficult. I also have some forgiveness worksheets on my website that may help.

You can do this! 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular coach and speaker.

This article was first published on KSL.com
Question:
I am so stressed out that I’m falling apart physically. I’m sick, tired, worried and grouchy most of the time. In this state, I’m not the greatest parent and my marriage is struggling. The problem is I can’t change my situation. I have to keep this job and I have to keep giving to my family. So how do I change my feelings, outlook and behavior when I’m stuck in this situation. My stress isn’t going anywhere, so how do I handle it better?
Answer:

The Urban Dictionary defines burned-out as “What occurs when you overwork yourself into a state of limited mental acuity, depleted emotions and strength completely drained from your body.” You sound burned-out and running on empty. You cannot live for extended periods of time without serious negative effects on your body and spirit. You also can't show up for others when you have nothing to give.

Even though you can’t change the situation that is causing your stress, There are lots of things you can do that would make a huge difference and fill your emotional tank back up.

First, you must identify all the things in your life that are draining your tank:

• Work you aren’t passionate or excited about
• Obligations others have placed on you
• Lack of sleep
• Long "to do" lists
• Emotional, physical or psychological suffering
• Worry about challenges
• Disappointments
• Relationship problems
• Fear of failure or fear of loss

Understand that you (and you alone) are responsible for maintaining and refilling your emotional tank. If you don’t do this, you will soon run dry and have nothing left to give. You cannot make it your spouse's job or your parent's job, you must own this.

Some people struggle with self-care because they associate it with being lazy, self-indulgent or selfish. It is very important you don’t think this way. Keeping your own tank full is not self-indulgent, it is wise. You also perform better with a full tank. You are more creative, effective, giving and powerful when you are filled up emotionally.

Self-care is not self-indulgent. It is a sign of self-respect.

If people in your life don’t get this, that is not your problem. Even if they are bothered. If they reset you for this, they probably need some self care too, but feel too guilty to take it.

Also, if you have given too much for too long, the people in your life may have grown accustomed to your giving all the time and they now take your sacrifices for granted. They expect you to give without ever taking care of you.

The only way to change this (so they appreciate you more) is to show them that you are valuable and take care of yourself. This may mean saying no and on occasion sacrificing their needs for yours. They may not like this at first, but they will respect you more in the end for doing it, I promise. (Though don't go overboard and become selfish either. You must find a healthy balance.)

Here are some signs that your emotional tank is running low and you need more self-care:

• Fatigue
• Lack of motivation
• Being quick to complain or get offended
• Depressed feelings
• Having a hard time focusing
• Health problems
• Negative thinking

If you are feeling any of these, you may need to make some changes and create more balance in your life. Here are 20 things you could do — no matter your situation — to fill your tank:

1. Stay away from draining people as much as you can. When you can’t, remember their bad behavior is about their fears about themselves, it’s not about you. Don’t let anyone emotionally take from you. You have the power to protect yourself. There is another good article on KSL about this you ought to read.
2. Don’t settle for counterfeit bucket-fillers like alcohol, drugs, pornography, romance novels or other things that make you feel good in the moment, but make you feel worse later on. Choose real, positive, long-term bucket-fillers like the ones below.
3. Start each day with some "me time." Even 20 minutes to exercise, read, meditate, pray or plan your day in peace and quiet will make a big difference.
4. Get plenty of sleep. (See a doctor if you have trouble here.)
5. Eat healthy fruits and vegetables, and avoid packaged, chemical-laden foods.
6. Exercise at least three times a week. Even 5-15 minutes of exercise is beneficial.
7. Get outside in nature more often. Breathe the clean air. Unplug from all the electronics for a while every day.
8. De-clutter some part of your house or office. Clean organized space brings clear peaceful energy into your life.
9. Simplify and drop some stuff. What are you doing that isn’t necessary? What are you doing that you could delegate? You may need to start saying no and setting some boundaries. Talk to a coach or counselor if this is hard for you. You may need to learn how to say no in a kind way so you don't feel guilty.
10. Keep learning, growing, stretching and reading. Self-esteem soars when you are constantly working to become better and learning new things.
11. Get a creative outlet or take up a hobby that allows you to create, write, build, dance or sing.
12. Serve others, perform random acts of kindness. (I know this doesn’t seem like self-care, but when I give $5 to a homeless person, it makes me feel fantastic.) I do it for me and it fills my emotional tank.
13. Work on staying present in the now. Don’t waste today worrying about the past or the future you can’t change. Plan for tomorrow from a place of wisdom, not a place of fear or worry.
14. Choose joy now. Happiness in this moment is a choice. Practice choosing it.
15. Choose gratitude for everything that is right. Sometimes focusing on my blessings changes my whole attitude.
16. Laugh more. Laughter really is the best medicine.
17. Cuddle, hug, have more sex, get a massage — physical touch fills your tank.
18. Take vacations as often as possible. You won’t believe how much more clarity you have at work when you come back. Even short weekend getaways make a big difference.
19. Remember the real reason, meaning and purpose for challenges, trials and difficulties in life. Life is a classroom, and the universe is conspiring to help you grow. When challenges arise, choose to see them as interesting lessons or classes, but they aren’t tests and your value isn’t attached to them. Trust the universe that there will be a solution and you are going to be stronger, better, wiser and more loving at the end of this.
20. Perform an “emotional autopsy” on this situation. Ask yourself questions to get to the bottom of how you feel and why. There is a great worksheet on my website that steps you through doing this.

Parker Palmer, in the book "Let Your Life Speak" said, “Self-care is never a selfish act — it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer others. Anytime we can listen to true self and give the care it requires, we do it not only for ourselves, but for the many others whose lives we touch.”

You can do this. 
Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular coach and speaker.

This article was first published on KSL.comQuestion:

My daughter is 12, she is such a fun and bright girl, but she is starting to more and more put her physical body under the microscope. She thinks her nose is too big, her tummy isn't flat ... things like that. My daughter also has some super skinny classmates at school and a neighbor friend whose mother has told her that she is fat and I try to tell my beautiful daughter that she is just perfect as she is right now, and if she just eats healthy, exercises a couple of times a week(such as riding her bike or jumping on the trampoline) to develop healthy habits, she will be set for life. But do you have any recommendations that would help her feel good about herself? How can I help a teen with body image issues?

Answer:

There are some things you can do to help your daughter develop a healthy mindset concerning their body shape, food and exercise, but first take a minute and think about what her problems really are. Weight issues can be caused by many factors including physical, genetic or emotional issues. If your daughter is struggling with body image, make sure to consult a doctor and/or psychologist to check for these kinds of issues first.

A big part of the problem (for all of us when it comes to weight) is that the world (through the media) teaches a very distorted idea about how our value as a human being is determined. We subconsciously learn as children that our value is based on our performance, appearance and what others think of us (and we have bought this idea hook, line and sinker). Since we were small we have determined our own value this way.

We must stop comparing ourselves with other people and worrying ourselves sick over getting their approval. For girls today this subconscious system is even more damaging because they are comparing themselves with the unrealistic, photo-shopped standard of perfection they see in magazines. As long as they are striving to meet this standard they will never, ever feel good about who they are.

Here are some things you can do to give your daughter a healthy mindset about body image:

1 — Teach your daughter (and remind yourself) that your value as a human being comes from your love, your character and your goodness, not your appearance or performance. Help her to claim the power to determine her own value. Show her that she can stop comparing with others and base her value on her intrinsic worth, not her waist size.

All of us need to take control of our thinking instead of letting our subconscious programs determine how we think and feel. We must claim the power to love and value ourselves exactly as we are now. We must replace limiting beliefs with principles that serve us more. This is the principle I read often — Your waist size doesn’t have anything to do with who you are, and it definitely doesn’t determine your value. Who you are is your character, your values, your goodness, your individuality, your spirit and your love.

You are much more than your weight!

Your value comes from the fact that you are an irreplaceable, one-of-a-kind, incomparable human soul. Your value is therefore infinite and absolute and not on the line. You are the same amazing, unique you, no matter what you do or how you look, or what others think of you.

You can adopt these universal truths and make them your beliefs by reading and repeating them often.

2 — Model a good example of self-esteem. Make sure you don’t make negative comments about your appearance, criticize yourself or worry about what others think of you. You may need to get some professional help to work on your self-image if necessary. (Do it for your daughter because she is watching you.)

3 — Never make negative comments about ANYONE’s appearance, or you are reinforcing the idea that appearance equals value.

4 — Model good eating and exercise habits. This is critical because children learn more from example than anything else. Teach them to make healthy food choices and to understand why some foods aren’t good for them. Work on eating right as a family.

5 — Help your daughter learn healthy ways to deal with stress besides comfort eating. We all need to learn to self-soothe without food.

6 — Help them to appreciate good food and take time eating it. One weight loss expert I talked to recommends teaching teens to eat slower, chew and savor each bite as long as possible. He said eating too fast means you don’t have time to feel full and satisfied, and you don’t appreciate the wonderful taste of food.

7 — Encourage your daughter to keep a journal and when she is feeling inferior because of her weight, have her write down the belief behind the negative thoughts. Beliefs like "thin people are better than fat people" or "no one will love me if I’m overweight" are just limiting beliefs, they are not truth. Debunking these beliefs on paper makes the rational truth seem more real and takes the power away from the fear.

8 — Teach her to focus on being healthy, not thin. A focus on taking care of yourself, eating healthy food and exercising is behavior based in caring for yourself, while dieting and working to be thinner is based in dislike for yourself. Focus on self-love instead.

9 — Help her find a form of exercise that she loves to do. Don’t let exercise become torture. Show her how to make it a fun part of an enjoyable life. Stay active doing things you love to do.

10 — Teach her how to buy and wear clothes that flatter her figure. Often teens want to follow the trends and end up buying things that only work on certain body types. Do your homework and teach her how to dress her body type instead.

11 — Teach her to focus more on how she treats people and the love she brings to the world. In the end, this is what matters most and wins friends. People care more about how you treat them than how you look. People are attracted to your personality, kindness, character, humor and love — all of the things that are (really) who you are. Be someone who makes others feel loved and valued everywhere you go and your self-esteem will improve fast.

Stop trying to win them with your appearance — and go win them with your love.

12 — Smile. According to a study done at Search Your Love, 67 percent of single men and 78 percent of single women find someone who smiles a bigger turn-on than someone who is thin.

13 — Watch for signs of an eating disorder and get professional help sooner than later if you see them. Look for signs like refusal to eat, excessive exercise, fear of eating in public, preoccupation with food, or intense fear of gaining weight.

14 — Limit time spent watching TV, movies or reading magazines. According to Dr. David Walsh’s "Say Yes to No Parent Workbook," teens are exposed to 5,000 marketing messages each day, and most of these include Photoshopped images that aren’t realistic. Instead, encourage active activities, reading, talking to people and spending time outside.

Victoria Moran, author of "Younger by the Day" said, "Growing into your future with health and grace and beauty doesn't have to take all your time. It rather requires a dedication to caring for yourself as if you were rare and precious, which you are, and regarding all life around you as equally so, which it is."

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular coach and speaker.

This article was first published on KSL.comQuestion:
I watch the news and I get depressed. There are so many problems and scary things unfolding. Our country seems to be falling apart, violence and hate is everywhere. It’s hard not to get discouraged. I wish I could do something to make a difference, but I don’t have influence or money. Do you have any advice for those of us getting depressed by the state of the world and feeling helpless to do anything?
Answer:

In one of my favorite Michael Jackson songs, he says, “You have to start with the man in the mirror. If you want to make the world a better place, then look at yourself, and make a change.” I believe this is true. Changing the world starts with each of us working on ourselves.

You can’t personally fix the big problems in the world, but there are a lot of things you CAN control and make right in your own life that will greatly influence the world and people around you, and if we all did this — we could change everything.

Think about it — most of the big things that have happened on this planet for both good and evil — started with one person.

Martin Luther King Jr. was only 26 years old when he started leading the civil rights movement and all he did was speak up about his ideas. He had no clue the impact his ideas would have.

Steve Jobs believed that every single soul on this planet should and could “make a dent in the universe” even just in their family, their community or their place of business, and if we all did this, great things could happen.

A single drop of water in the middle of a lake sends out ripples that reach almost every corner. In the same way, every time you make a good choice, do a random act of kindness, choose love over fear, or choose to see another person as the same as you, ripples of good energy are sent out into the universe.

The problem is that most of us don’t think our small efforts matter, so we don’t try hard enough. We can’t see these ripples of positive energy we send into the world, so we think we aren’t powerful, but we are.

Albert Einstein said, “The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil but by those who watch them, without doing anything.” You cannot continue to think you don’t matter. We all matter. We are not small and powerless. We have incredible power, and using that power starts with controlling what happens in our own heads and our own behavior.

One of my favorite authors, Napoleon Hill, said, “Human beings are given complete control over nothing save the power to think their own thoughts.” The sad part is that most of us deny we have this power over our minds. We honestly believe outside influences force us to think or feel the way we do. We think people can make us mad or hurt our feelings, but this isn’t true.

You have complete control over what you think and feel. No one can make you mad without your permission. No one can hurt your feelings without your participation. You decide whether or not to be upset, how you will feel about events or people, and how you will behave. You can choose trust, love, honesty, tolerance, forgiveness, kindness and peace in every moment of your day. You can do that, and if enough of us did, we could completely outnumber the ones choosing judgment, arrogance, hate, criticism, racism, dishonesty and war.

You also have power to influence the people around you. You can show them another way to live with your peaceful, tolerant, loving, honest, genuine, trusting energy. You can literally push them away from fear and toward love. When you choose to live in love, you send out energy that attracts others to join you.

You may not be able to change THE world today — but you can change YOUR world today!

If you are bothered with the violence, distrust, judgment, and division that you see in the world right now, especially in the Middle East or Ferguson, Missouri, you can be part of the solution right now by making sure you see the people around you accurately. You must see past the differences and love people where they are. Most of the conflict on this planet happens because we see ourselves as different from other people and subconsciously assume that some of us must be better and some of us worse. Differences like race, religion, political party and ideology divide us and we subconsciously see others as the bad guys.

It would be a huge step toward changing the world if YOU (and all of us) would consciously choose to see every human being (that crosses our path) as having the same value we do. We must stop seeing ourselves as better than others.

We must choose to honor and respect their right to be on their journey and have their own beliefs. This means choosing to love those with different religious beliefs, sexual orientation, economic or social class, those from a different neighborhood, who cheer for the rival college, who vote for the other party or who think your religion is crazy. All of them have the same value as you. They are not the bad guys just because they think different, look different, or act different.

If you could start there, making that change, you could change the world. You could eliminate racism, prejudice, judgment, criticism and hate from your own head and heart, which will attract others to you. Don’t worry, this doesn't mean giving up your values. It just means choosing to see love as the highest law.

Here are some things you can control today that can make you better. You can control:

• How much what other people do or say affects you. Don’t give their thoughts or actions power, there is no reason to suffer over any of it.
• How much you judge or criticize other people. Choose to love, respect and honor instead, it will make you feel fantastic about yourself.
• How your value is determined. I recommend seeing your value as infinite and absolute and that it never changes and isn’t on the line because life is a classroom, not a test.
• How stressed you will feel about any situation. You always have the option of trusting the universe, that it is conspiring to serve you. Even when it looks bad it is just bringing you an amazing lesson. Trust everything will work out for your benefit in the end.
• Whether you get upset or not. Nothing can make you upset. It is always a choice. Peace, trust and love is always your other one.
• How much gratitude you feel for what you have. Spend more time being grateful then you do complaining or blaming others.
• How much time you spend regretting your past. Since you can’t change it, it’s kind of a waste of time to suffer over it. Let it go, move forward and be better.
• How scary the future feels. It might look scary, but you don’t have to feel scared. You can choose peace, trust and love instead.
• How positive your thoughts are.
• How much negative stuff you pick up and carry.
• How you treat other people.
• How often you speak up in truth and love.
• How honest you are.
• How often you smile.
• How often you encourage or inspire others.

If you spend every day focused on controlling these things, you will feel better about the rest. I promise. You will also be helping to push the world in a more positive direction.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular coach and speaker.

Question:
I have a teenager who I love but I am struggling to connect with. He has been in trouble and broken my trust and there is now quite a divide between us. I want to feel closer to him, but my constant questioning just makes him angry at me, and I can’t stop questioning because I don’t trust him. He is almost 18, so I don’t have much more time with him in my home. I really want to repair our relationship and get him to like me again. Do you have any advice on how?
Answer:

Your question has a lot of dimensions and I can’t cover all of them in this article. There is a great article on risky teen behavior and trusting your child again, by Janet Lehman, that I highly recommend you read.

In this article, I want to focus on helping you build a strong, loving and more respectful relationship with your teen, who is almost an adult and out of your house.

The biggest factor affecting the quality of your relationship is not whether you can’t trust your child, but can your child trust you? Have you created a relationship of trust where your child can talk to you about anything and get guidance, love, validation and encouragement? Or have you unintentionally become the enemy?

Teresa Graham Brett, author of the book "Parenting for Social Change," said, “Parenting is about building a relationship of trust and love between you and a child — it is not about making them turn out the way you want. It can’t be about control more than it’s about love, trust, mutual respect and caring for each other.”

I think this is where many of us get off track. We are more worried about them turning out the way we want than we are about loving them and respecting them as individuals. We have so many fears about failing as a parent we forget to ask, “What does my child need?”

If you are worried about looking bad, which we all are at times, your parenting behavior will be more selfish and controlling than loving and supporting. And your child will resent it. You must create a relationship where love and support come before control and expectations. This may mean being more flexible about some of your rules and standards. When you are too rigid about the way you want your child to turn out, you will come from a place of disapproval and judgment a lot of the time. This can say that you care more about your expectations being met than you do about them. Too many lectures and not enough listening and validating can make them feel you are against them.

I’m not telling you to be a pushover, drop your standards and let your child run wild, though. I’m saying if you were more open, more loving and more accepting of your teen’s ideas, opinions and choices, he would also be more open to hearing, understanding and accepting yours and in this place you will have more influence on him.

Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed., says, “Children resist with all their might when they think we are against them — when we criticize, blame, threaten, lecture — when they don’t trust that we understand and accept them.” She says, “We often parent with the misconception that our job is to teach our children how to act and perform in the world, and if they don’t do it right then they must be forced with some kind of manipulative, punitive tactic to get them on track.” (You might want to read her article, too.)

Harris says this leads to power struggles, punishing, grounding and making them miserable, hoping this will motivate them to change. The problem is these tactics aren’t very motivating and they are more likely to push your child further away, where you have less influence on them. This type of parenting makes you the enemy and pushes your child toward friends for support.

Think about your relationship with your spouse or your friends. If you showed up in these relationships mostly focused on control and getting these people to be the way you want them to be, these people wouldn’t like you either. Of course parenting is different and requires some stewardship, teaching and guiding, but this can be done from a place of trust and love. It really can.

You will actually have more influence on your child when you have a relationship based on mutual respect, listening, validating and unconditional love — the same factors that build good relationships with business associates, soul mates and friends.

I believe building a relationship of trust, where people can trust you, requires three things: respect, the ability to focus on others and a close emotional connection. Let me explain how each of these works in a parent/child relationship:

You must have their respect: In the business world, no one respects you or comes to you for advice until you have achieved some level of success or have a proven track record of good performance. To build a good, respectful, trust-based relationship with your teen, you must first work on yourself and have your act together. If you have insecurities, emotional over-reactions to problems, or are prone to immature behavior, your child is not going to respect you or listen to you. I get a lot of calls from parents interested in life coaching for their teens, which we can do, but we won’t coach a teen until we have first coached the parents.

You must stop being afraid of failure and loss. You must stop worrying about what others think of you. You must gain confidence and start modeling happy, healthy, adult behavior. Teens are smart enough to know when you aren’t happy or balanced, and if your lifestyle isn’t making you happy, no teen is going to listen to you or follow you.

You may need some professional help to improve your self-esteem, see situations clearly and respond with more maturity, confidence and love. I highly recommend getting some.

You must be able to focus on them: This is more complicated than you think. Are you worried about how his choices make you look? Are you worried about losing him? Are you worried about failing as a parent? Are you worried about what the neighbors think? Are you overly concerned with how his actions make you feel and put you out? Are YOUR standards, opinions and ideas the ones that matter? All of these fears are selfishness and show your focus is on you. (I know you believe your truth is THE TRUTH, but that is still all about YOU). If you want to build a relationship of trust with your child, you must be able to set your stuff aside and focus on what he needs most.

You must have a close emotional connection: There is only one way to create this kind of connection with another human being — good communication and lots of it. This means communication that is open, honest, validating and encouraging. It means asking more questions and listening, than you do talking. It means honoring and respecting their right to think and feel the way they do. It means valuing them as a person and validating their ideas. It means being respectful and asking for permission before giving advice, like “Would you be open to a suggestion from Dad?” and not giving it if they say no. There is a communication formula worksheet on my website that teaches how to do this. It may take practice and patience, though, to rebuild trust if you have talked more than you’ve listened in the past.

You must also be very careful NOT to use shame or fear in your parenting. Imposing shame on anyone makes you an unsafe place and severs the emotional connection.

Remember that every situation in your life is there to teach you to love at a deeper level. This situation is no exception. If you will focus less on changing your child and more on changing and improving yourself, you can improve this relationship.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a coach and speaker.