Question:

I read your article last week on being psychologically mature and I definitely struggle with this. I think I have a hard time controlling my emotions because I feel things deeply and I cannot “not” feel what I’m feeling. Do you have any advice for helping me to stop my reactions and get control of myself? Also, how can I teach my children to get control of themselves so they don’t inherit my bad habits?

Answer:

Did you watch the biathlon during the Olympics? They are the ones who ski cross-country and shoot target rifles. One of the fascinating things about this event is watching the biathletes control their breathing and stifle their adrenaline after each race portion. If they can’t calm down and breathe slow, they can’t shoot accurately at their targets.

You can learn to calm yourself down and get control of your body and your mind too. You have the power to consciously choose your emotions, but it takes Olympic athletes years to learn to do this, and it is going to require effort and practice on your part too.

(Also, if you are struggling with depression, this is even more difficult. Depression affects your brain chemistry and makes choosing your emotions really difficult. I recommend talking to your doctor about some medication along with working on the suggestions below to control your thinking.)

We all have subconscious policies of fear that create strong emotional reactions to things, and these reactions are kind of like riptides. They are strong and fast and pull us out into dangerous water (bad behavior that creates poor results in our lives) before we even know what’s happening.

Understanding riptides can help us learn to escape these damaging emotional reactions. A riptide does not pull a swimmer under water; it simply carries the swimmer away from the shore.

If a person caught in a riptide does not understand how riptides work, they will try to swim against it and will eventually exhaust themselves and drown. But if they understand how riptides work, they can easily exit the rip by swimming at a right angle to it. If they swim sideways, parallel to the shore, they can exit the current and return to land safely.

Experts recommend this approach if you get caught in a riptide:

1. Don’t fight the current.
2. Stay calm to conserve your energy and think clearly.
3. Think of it like a treadmill that cannot be turned off, but you can easily step to the side and get off. Swim sideways following the shoreline and when out of the current swim for the shore.

Your emotions work the same way and you have two primary fears that when triggered create riptide emotions and hard-to-control reactions. They are the fear of failure (the fear of not being good enough or looking bad) and the fear of loss (the fear of being taken from or treated unfairly.) When someone says or does anything that triggers your fears of failure or loss, your reaction will be swift and powerful. These fears do not create good behavior either. They encourage ego-driven, illogical, emotional behavior and inaccurate thinking. But you can learn how to step sideways and get out of these emotions.

Here is a simple procedure you can practice when experiencing strong emotional reactions to calm yourself down and consciously choose a more mature response:

1. Don’t fight the feelings of anger or hurt. Just sit with them for a minute. They are an interesting dimension of the human experience, and feeling them can teach you things and give you empathy toward others. Can you feel how much your ego wants to embrace fear and respond with selfishness, defensiveness or anger? These are strong feelings, but the more you sit with them, you will see that they are not your only option. Feeling this way is a choice. Being upset is a choice. You can choose to see this situation in a different way and choose peace, trust and love if you want to. You can choose to see this situation as a lesson (another chance to practice being in control of your head).
2. Take a step back from the event, breathe slowly and think clearly. Ask yourself, “What am I really upset about? What am I afraid of here? Why do I feel threatened? Am I applying meaning here that may not be accurate? What will be created if I choose to be upset? Is that what I want? Is being upset a choice? Is there any other way I could choose to feel in this moment?” There is a To Be or Not To Be Upset Worksheet on our website that will help you to see these situations accurately.
3. This is where you get to step to the side or exit the current by choosing a mindset the runs parallel to principles of truth (principles that provide solid ground and safety) like the shore. If fear is the riptide, you can choose thoughts based in trust and love (the opposites of fear) and you can step right out. Choose to trust these principles of truth instead of embracing fear in any moment:

• My value isn’t on the line here because life is a classroom, not a test. Nothing anyone does or says can diminish my value because it is unchangeable, infinite and absolute. I am bulletproof, and if no one can hurt me or diminish me, is there really any reason to get upset? I can choose to see myself and my value as safe.
• Most bad behavior and almost all attacks are more about the other person and their fears about themselves than they are about me. Most bad behavior is a request for love or validation. This means instead of getting offended I could choose to give love and validation to this person, or I could choose to forgive them for being afraid and love them from afar.
• Nothing bad can happen to me without it serving me at some level. Everything I experience makes me wiser, kinder, stronger and more empathetic. I can trust the process of life that there is order in the universe and everything that happens, happens for a reason to teach me things. If I see life as a classroom, I realize there is nothing to fear and no matter what happens I will be all right. I can choose to feel safe right now.
• I am not better or worse than anyone else. We are all one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable human beings with the same infinite, absolute value. Just because someone casts me as the bad guy in their story doesn’t make it true. They subconsciously do this to quiet their own fears and make their ego feel superior. I can see they are scared and not take this behavior personally.

Principles like these help me to get control and stop the inaccurate fear-based thoughts and emotions from taking over. Stephen Covey once said, “The ability to subordinate an impulse to a value is the essence of the proactive person.” I agree. We must learn to let principles guide our behavior instead of emotions. As we work on this, we will experience more success and happiness in every area of our life.

We must realize that we control the weather in our heads and claim the power to choose how we will experience each moment. Then we must teach our children to think for themselves and choose how they want to feel. You can do this by teaching your children the principles mentioned above.

Benjamin Franklin said, “Educate your children to self-control, to the habit of holding passion and prejudice and evil tendencies subject to an upright and reasoning will, and you have done much to abolish misery from their future and crimes from society.”

It will take some work to master this, but you can do it! 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness." Shauna Jensen is a certified Claritypoint coach who had the idea for this article.

Question:

My spouse says that I’m immature because I get offended easy and have a hard time knowing how to handle those situations. I know I get emotional and reactive at times and I have a hard time communicating how I feel. I blame others for making me mad and I often resort to sulking or giving them the quiet treatment until they get the clue that something’s wrong. Can I learn how to handle things with more “maturity” and how could one do that?

Answer:

We call this psychological or emotional maturity and this is something you can definitely work on and change. The problem is how, because they don’t teach this in school (though they should). So where are you going to learn it?

Some people were lucky enough to have psychologically mature parents who taught them how to think situations through accurately and logically and talk about their thoughts and feelings. But many of you didn’t get that. Many of you had a parent who was a bad communicator, a drama queen, easily offended, reactive or closed off. These good people didn’t know a better way to behave and they did the best they could, but they didn’t handle life in a mature, calm thoughtful way. You can break the cycle of immature behavior, though, and learn how to respond more appropriately. You can develop what I call CLARITY (the ability to see yourself, other people and situations accurately).

You can and must learn how to do this if you want to have healthy relationships.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to test your psychological maturity:

1. When you get upset, do you understand why? Can you see that being upset is a choice?
2. When you get offended, do you understand why? Can you see that being offended is a choice?
3. Do you take responsibility for your choice to be upset or offended, or do you blame your feelings on others?
4. Do you have the ability to see a situation from another person’s perspective and have empathy or compassion for them?
5. Do you share your thoughts and feelings with other people, or do you feel safer keeping them to yourself?
6. Can you admit when you are wrong and apologize without experiencing shame or creating self-pity drama around it?
7. When offended, do you take action to talk about and resolve it, or do you hold on so you can cast the other person as the bad guy?
8. Do you feel jealous or threatened by other people and their successes?
9. Are you addicted to the feeling of being angry and justified? Does it make you feel powerful?
10. Do you handle rejection badly?
11. Do you carry grudges? Do you hang onto self-pity stories?
12. Do you look for solutions to problems, or do you just complain about them?
13. Do you over-react and take things too personally?
14. Can you adjust to change and be flexible when things don’t go the way you want?

These questions will give you a good idea of how emotionally mature you are. 

Tal Ben-Shahar, an author and lecturer at Harvard University and the author of "Being Happy," says psychological maturity has three components. The first is the ability to step back from a situation and see it from a more “big picture” perspective, letting go of your first emotional reaction and choosing a more logical response. The second is the capacity to step back and see things from another person’s point of view. The third is the ability to detach from your need to be right and be teachable and open to changing your perspective.

He encourages readers to be mindful and aware of their current perspective. Are you seeing this situation from only a current, here and now, emotional perspective or can you see this issue from a long-range perspective that is more rational than emotional? How big of a deal will this issue be five years from now? What is the long-range outcome I’d like to create with this person, not just how I feel like behaving right now?

It takes self-control to stop your emotional reactions and step back and evaluate a situation more logically. It takes authentic love for other people to go further than your own perspective and put yourself in another person’s shoes and really understand how they feel. There are many worksheets on my resources page on my website which will step you learn to do this.

Nathaniel Branden wrote an amazing book in 1969 called "The Psychology of Self-Esteem." In the book he attaches psychological maturity to a healthy sense of self-worth. He believes that as human beings we are destined to be thinkers, not instinctive reactors. When we react without thinking, with little awareness of others, or from a place of fear, we will end up hating ourselves. He believes it is only when we gain control of ourselves and our emotions and learn to think through situations and respond rationally, that we really like ourselves.

I agree that there is a connection because as I teach my clients how to think more clearly about themselves, people and life, the result is an almost immediate increase in self-esteem.

Braden says psychological maturity is the ability to think about principles, not emotions. Psychological immaturity is being overtaken with emotion and losing sight of the bigger picture. He says, “Only if we have a rational approach to our emotions can we be free of paralyzing self-doubt, depression and fear.”

In my book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness," I recommend writing a set of personal policies (principles) and procedures (processes) that help you to think through situations more logically and respond more maturely. You must have a policy about your value and what or who you will allow to diminish you. You must have a procedure for handling situations when someone offends you. You need a process to run through in your mind to help you calm down and look at things from another’s’ perspective. Then you must start practicing these new techniques until they become second nature.

If you invest conscious effort at this and remind yourself often about the importance of thinking situations through before responding, you will gain more and more control over your life and behavior, and your self-esteem will improve.

Don't be discouraged if it feels difficult at first. Many of my clients initially feel it is impossible to change this behavior, but I promise: You can do it. We help clients change this kind of behavior daily. It just takes education and practice.

Set a small goal to work on one aspect of your psychological maturity each week. Put a reminder (as your wallpaper on your phone) to remind you to see things from another’s perspective, think before reacting, or choose trust over fear.

If you work on it one piece at a time, you can do this. You may also want to seek out a coach or counsellor to help. A little professional guidance goes a long way. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness. She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night.

Question:

I’ve done everything they say you should do to create success and happiness. I’ve sacrificed a lot and worked hard, and I’m very successful. But I’m definitely not happy. I’m always afraid of losing what I have. My marriage is OK, but not wonderful and I don’t really feel loved. I don’t think I can be happy unless this changes. Bottom line, my life feels slightly empty in spite of my accomplishments. Any advice for me?

Answer:

Anthony de Mello said, “There is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you have in your head, beliefs so widespread, so commonly held, that it never occurs to you to question them.”

The false belief, which causes most of our unhappiness, is the belief that our life should be different from what it is. We honestly believe that different circumstances would make us happier. If our spouse just loved us more, if we could get a promotion, if we could just move somewhere else, then we’d be happy.

But the idea that happiness is attained through external situations is a myth, because there are lots of people who have what you say you want and still aren’t happy.

You were subconsciously trained as a child to believe that happiness is attached to external circumstances, but it isn't true. Happiness isn’t created through what you do, have, or experience. It doesn’t come from having someone love you. It doesn’t come from money, achievements or fame. It comes from something much deeper (yet more simple) — it comes from a positive, accurate outlook or mindset about life.

Happiness is a choice you can make in any circumstance.

If you want to feel happier, you must change some of your false beliefs about life and learn how to choose happiness even when circumstances aren’t ideal.

It is possible to be happy even when life disappoints you. It’s not easy — but it is possible. That doesn’t mean you won’t feel sad and mourn a loss, but it means you won’t choose to live there. You can create a state of happiness inside yourself regardless of your circumstances and this is really the only way you will ever get it.

Here are some suggestions to help you choose more happiness:

1. Count your blessings daily and focus on all that is good in your life. Remember there are people who would give anything to have what you have. You get to decide in each moment what you will focus on, the good or the bad. Focus on what’s good and trust that the bad is here to serve you for some reason.
2. Never set conditions on happiness. Make a personal policy that you will never say, “I’ll be happy when… ” Understand that happiness is a choice you make now, in this moment. You have just as much power to choose happiness today, as you will have in the future. Horace Friess said, “All seasons are beautiful for the person who carries happiness within.”
3. Decide that happiness is the essence of your character. You get to decide what kind of person you want to be. See yourself as a happy person. Write a policy that you will choose to be a happy person in every situation because it is the wisest choice to make.
4. Have more fun and be more fun. Laugh more often, collect jokes and funny stories to share with those around you. Make it fun to live with you. Be spontaneous, adventurous and positive. Be flexible and easy-going. Find ways to make whatever you do fun. Turn boring, frustrating things into a game. You have more natural ability to play than you realize.
5. Never gossip, criticize or judge others. Make a policy to see everyone as a student in the classroom of life, right on track in their unique journey of learning, with the same infinite value as you. Miserable people tend to focus on the bad in others. Happy people don’t need to do that. Make a policy around seeing others with wisdom and compassion and you will like yourself much better, which will create more happiness.
6. Eliminate fear-based thoughts by changing your fundamental beliefs about life. Most of my KSL articles and my book address exactly how to do this. Choose to see life as a classroom, not a test. Choose to believe that your value isn’t on the line. Choose to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that reason is always to serve your education. This means there are no accidents in your perfect classroom journey. I promise these mindset shifts will make life feel safer, which will create more happiness.
7. Choose to respond to every situation with love. Learn better communication skills, which will improve your relationships with your spouse, friends and children. Building rich relationships starts with better communication. (There is a Validating Communication Formula on my website that can help you do this and listen to last week’s Free Call.) The more you choose to respond with love, the less fear and misery you will experience in your life. Arthur Rubinstein, the classical pianist said, “I have found that if you love life, life will love you back.”
8. Simplify and take more breaks. You cannot create happiness if your life is too full of stressful obligations. You need some quiet, down-time to relax, unwind and have fun. It is your responsibility to make sure you get this. No one can give this to you. It must be a priority to make sure you get time for leisure activities.
9. Set goals and keep growing, learning and experiencing new things. A friend of mine, coach and author Darby Checketts, recommends making a bucket list with at least 150 things on it. Write down every place you’d like to visit, things you want to learn, experiences you’d like to have. Then get to work making your life interesting, full and exciting. People who are engaged in learning are always more happy. William Phelps said, “The happiest people are those who think the most interesting thoughts. Those who decide to use leisure as a means of mental development, who love good music, good books, good pictures, good company, good conversation, are the happiest people in the world. And they are not only happy in themselves, they are the cause of happiness in others.” Setting fun new goals will also do wonders for your self-esteem.
10. Take care of your body, eat healthy food, exercise and get plenty of rest. Your body can’t have a zest for life if you aren’t taking care of it. Exercise is a great cure for depression and losing some weight will give you more energy.
11. Make sure you aren’t clinically depressed. You may want to check with your doctor to make sure there isn’t a chemical component to your dark feelings. I highly recommend getting some professional help if you can’t pull yourself out of down feelings on your own.
12. Remember life is a journey not a destination. You must enjoy the journey and choose to appreciate the little wins, small blessings and sunny days. Wayne Dyer once said, “When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It’s to enjoy each step along the way.”

We must take more responsibility for choosing how we feel. (I will admit that I've been working too hard and choosing to feel overburdened — so I need to work on this with you.)

Remember you get to decide the weather, wherever you are. It is easier to pretend you are powerless and blame others or life for how you feel, but this is a cop-out. You really do have the power to control your emotions and choose to be happy if you want to.

I’m going to work this with you.

We can do it! 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness. She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night.

Question:

I read your article on intimidation. However, if the other person has the power to harm us and our career due to his or her position of authority, like refusing a promotion or a pay raise, or even worse, firing us, how then can we not be intimidated and how can we not fear them? After all, they can cause us real problems. I also have a spouse who is threatening to leave the church we both belong to and this scares and intimidates me too. How can I not be scared of these situations when they could really mess up my life?

Answer:

I’m going to answer your question by giving you a different perspective on these relationships. If you can change the way you see yourself and these people they won’t feel as threatening to you.

It is true these people could create some challenges in your life, but the extent to how these challenges causes you to suffer is completely up to you. You have control over how you feel about these people and their behavior. You could see yourself as safe and choose to believe you have nothing to fear.

At least you have the option of seeing your life this way, if you want to.

You basically have two options when it comes to how you will see and experience your life:

Option 1 - You can see your life as a scary and dangerous place where all kinds of bad things can happen, thus robbing you of the journey you deserved to have. You can see people as threats and feel intimidated and scared of them. You can spend your energy protecting and defending yourself from all the hurt or problems they could inflict upon you.

Option 2 - You can see your life as a safe, classroom experience where you always get the perfect lesson you need next to help you learn and grow. You can see people as teachers and focus on the ways their behavior could help you become more loving. You can spend your energy giving love to others, loving yourself and creating a peaceful life.

I highly recommend Option 2. You can choose to see the perfect in every situation, focus on the lessons, and choose love and forgiveness over judgment and fear. You not only can do this, you are meant to learn to do this as well. You are meant to live in abundance and peace, in spite of the challenges around you.

Here are six principles that can help you adopt a more peaceful mindset:

1. Choose to see yourself as bulletproof. You have the option of seeing your value as infinite and absolute (which means unchangeable). Your value comes from the fact that you are a one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable human soul who is here to learn and grow and whose value is not on the line. You can see yourself like an irreplaceable diamond that has the same value no matter the setting. No matter how many times you fail or make mistakes, you still have the same value. People can teach you lessons but they have no power to change you or diminish your value in any way. Their words and actions can’t hurt you unless you let them. You can choose to see yourself as safe.
2. Choose to see life as a custom classroom made just for you. This means if your spouse leaves your religion it is your perfect lesson to experience this for some reason. If you get fired it is your perfect journey to teach you something. Seeing life this way means you stop resisting “what is” and seeing everything as a threat and start seeing everything as here to serve your education in some way. This perspective creates a more peaceful journey where you are more focused on love and learning than protecting and defending.
3. Choose to see other people as the same as you. We all have the same infinite value and we are all a work in progress or a student in the classroom of life. Everyone deserves the right to be where they are in their journey of becoming. This may mean letting them be imperfect and choosing not to be threatened by their choices. They make choices because there is a lesson there they need to learn. You cannot save them from these lessons. Your job is to love them where they are. You are in this situation because there is a lesson you need to learn here too. It may be a lesson about acceptance and unconditional love. (I am not talking about situations of abuse though).
4. Remember most bad behavior is based in their fear about them. It’s not about you. When people cast you as the bad guy, attack you, reject you or criticize you, it says more about where they are than what it says about you. Their fears of failure and loss create their unkind behavior. These people subconsciously cast you as the bad guy to make their egos feel better. This behavior is really a plea for love and validation. The best response to these kinds of attacks is strength that comes from choosing to see yourself as bulletproof and love. When you can sincerely love someone who is attacking you it forces them to be responsible for their behavior. They can’t blame their behavior on you.
5. Forgiveness, wisdom and love are the answer to changing this relationship around. This applies to a spouse who disagrees with your spiritual beliefs or is unhappy with your behavior. It applies to a friend who has cast you as the bad guy. It applies to all relationships. Forgiveness, wisdom and love are always the best answer. Your job is to love them as they are, see them with wisdom and compassion and forgive them for disappointing you.

Here are some on suggestions to how to live with forgiveness, wisdom and love.

Wisdom means seeing yourself, the other person and the situation accurately. Even if they get you fired, you are still the same you with the same value and the experience of being fired can only hurt you if you let it. It will also not happen unless it is your perfect journey to have it happen because you are meant to learn something from the experience.

If your spouse leaves your religion, which disappoints you and affects your children and their faith, then it was the perfect lesson in their classroom journey, too. The universe sent them to your family with these parents for a reason and whatever way you mess them up will be the perfect way they were meant to be messed up so they can have their perfect journey figuring themselves out.

No matter what happens your journey — and theirs — is safe and perfect. At least you have the option of seeing your life this way if you want to.

Forgiveness means choosing to let go of judgment, condemnation, criticism and fear toward another person because you don’t want to live in fear yourself. There is a universal law we call “You get what you give." This means if you choose to judge people, you will also feel judged by everyone around you. If you see anyone as not good enough, you will feel not good enough yourself. If you choose to see this person as threatening, you will feel threatened everywhere.

If you choose to see yourself as bulletproof and this person as an innocent student in the classroom of life with infinite and absolute value no matter how they behave and allow them to be as they are, while still having healthy boundaries and speaking up for yourself when necessary from a space of trust and love, you can change the dynamic of the relationship completely.

When you choose to live in trust and love, these people will feel safe with you and stop seeing you as a threat. When they feel safe, they will treat you a lot better. Love has the power to completely change the energy in any relationship.

When you choose to see people with wisdom and forgive them for being lost, scared, confused and behaving badly (because you get this way on occasion too), they will also respect you more. They have to.

There is a great “High Level Forgiveness Formula Worksheet” on my website resources page that can help you to adopt this mindset. If it sounds difficult, that is only because you aren’t used to seeing life this way, but you can do it with practice.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness. She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night.