Question:
I read your article last week on being psychologically mature and I definitely struggle with this. I think I have a hard time controlling my emotions because I feel things deeply and I cannot “not” feel what I’m feeling. Do you have any advice for helping me to stop my reactions and get control of myself? Also, how can I teach my children to get control of themselves so they don’t inherit my bad habits? Answer: Did you watch the biathlon during the Olympics? They are the ones who ski cross-country and shoot target rifles. One of the fascinating things about this event is watching the biathletes control their breathing and stifle their adrenaline after each race portion. If they can’t calm down and breathe slow, they can’t shoot accurately at their targets. You can learn to calm yourself down and get control of your body and your mind too. You have the power to consciously choose your emotions, but it takes Olympic athletes years to learn to do this, and it is going to require effort and practice on your part too. (Also, if you are struggling with depression, this is even more difficult. Depression affects your brain chemistry and makes choosing your emotions really difficult. I recommend talking to your doctor about some medication along with working on the suggestions below to control your thinking.) We all have subconscious policies of fear that create strong emotional reactions to things, and these reactions are kind of like riptides. They are strong and fast and pull us out into dangerous water (bad behavior that creates poor results in our lives) before we even know what’s happening. Understanding riptides can help us learn to escape these damaging emotional reactions. A riptide does not pull a swimmer under water; it simply carries the swimmer away from the shore. If a person caught in a riptide does not understand how riptides work, they will try to swim against it and will eventually exhaust themselves and drown. But if they understand how riptides work, they can easily exit the rip by swimming at a right angle to it. If they swim sideways, parallel to the shore, they can exit the current and return to land safely. Experts recommend this approach if you get caught in a riptide:
Here is a simple procedure you can practice when experiencing strong emotional reactions to calm yourself down and consciously choose a more mature response:
We must realize that we control the weather in our heads and claim the power to choose how we will experience each moment. Then we must teach our children to think for themselves and choose how they want to feel. You can do this by teaching your children the principles mentioned above. Benjamin Franklin said, “Educate your children to self-control, to the habit of holding passion and prejudice and evil tendencies subject to an upright and reasoning will, and you have done much to abolish misery from their future and crimes from society.” It will take some work to master this, but you can do it! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness." Shauna Jensen is a certified Claritypoint coach who had the idea for this article.
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Question:
My spouse says that I’m immature because I get offended easy and have a hard time knowing how to handle those situations. I know I get emotional and reactive at times and I have a hard time communicating how I feel. I blame others for making me mad and I often resort to sulking or giving them the quiet treatment until they get the clue that something’s wrong. Can I learn how to handle things with more “maturity” and how could one do that? Answer: We call this psychological or emotional maturity and this is something you can definitely work on and change. The problem is how, because they don’t teach this in school (though they should). So where are you going to learn it? Some people were lucky enough to have psychologically mature parents who taught them how to think situations through accurately and logically and talk about their thoughts and feelings. But many of you didn’t get that. Many of you had a parent who was a bad communicator, a drama queen, easily offended, reactive or closed off. These good people didn’t know a better way to behave and they did the best they could, but they didn’t handle life in a mature, calm thoughtful way. You can break the cycle of immature behavior, though, and learn how to respond more appropriately. You can develop what I call CLARITY (the ability to see yourself, other people and situations accurately). You can and must learn how to do this if you want to have healthy relationships. Here are some questions you can ask yourself to test your psychological maturity:
Tal Ben-Shahar, an author and lecturer at Harvard University and the author of "Being Happy," says psychological maturity has three components. The first is the ability to step back from a situation and see it from a more “big picture” perspective, letting go of your first emotional reaction and choosing a more logical response. The second is the capacity to step back and see things from another person’s point of view. The third is the ability to detach from your need to be right and be teachable and open to changing your perspective. He encourages readers to be mindful and aware of their current perspective. Are you seeing this situation from only a current, here and now, emotional perspective or can you see this issue from a long-range perspective that is more rational than emotional? How big of a deal will this issue be five years from now? What is the long-range outcome I’d like to create with this person, not just how I feel like behaving right now? It takes self-control to stop your emotional reactions and step back and evaluate a situation more logically. It takes authentic love for other people to go further than your own perspective and put yourself in another person’s shoes and really understand how they feel. There are many worksheets on my resources page on my website which will step you learn to do this. Nathaniel Branden wrote an amazing book in 1969 called "The Psychology of Self-Esteem." In the book he attaches psychological maturity to a healthy sense of self-worth. He believes that as human beings we are destined to be thinkers, not instinctive reactors. When we react without thinking, with little awareness of others, or from a place of fear, we will end up hating ourselves. He believes it is only when we gain control of ourselves and our emotions and learn to think through situations and respond rationally, that we really like ourselves. I agree that there is a connection because as I teach my clients how to think more clearly about themselves, people and life, the result is an almost immediate increase in self-esteem. Braden says psychological maturity is the ability to think about principles, not emotions. Psychological immaturity is being overtaken with emotion and losing sight of the bigger picture. He says, “Only if we have a rational approach to our emotions can we be free of paralyzing self-doubt, depression and fear.” In my book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness," I recommend writing a set of personal policies (principles) and procedures (processes) that help you to think through situations more logically and respond more maturely. You must have a policy about your value and what or who you will allow to diminish you. You must have a procedure for handling situations when someone offends you. You need a process to run through in your mind to help you calm down and look at things from another’s’ perspective. Then you must start practicing these new techniques until they become second nature. If you invest conscious effort at this and remind yourself often about the importance of thinking situations through before responding, you will gain more and more control over your life and behavior, and your self-esteem will improve. Don't be discouraged if it feels difficult at first. Many of my clients initially feel it is impossible to change this behavior, but I promise: You can do it. We help clients change this kind of behavior daily. It just takes education and practice. Set a small goal to work on one aspect of your psychological maturity each week. Put a reminder (as your wallpaper on your phone) to remind you to see things from another’s perspective, think before reacting, or choose trust over fear. If you work on it one piece at a time, you can do this. You may also want to seek out a coach or counsellor to help. A little professional guidance goes a long way. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness. She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night. Question:
I’ve done everything they say you should do to create success and happiness. I’ve sacrificed a lot and worked hard, and I’m very successful. But I’m definitely not happy. I’m always afraid of losing what I have. My marriage is OK, but not wonderful and I don’t really feel loved. I don’t think I can be happy unless this changes. Bottom line, my life feels slightly empty in spite of my accomplishments. Any advice for me? Answer: Anthony de Mello said, “There is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you have in your head, beliefs so widespread, so commonly held, that it never occurs to you to question them.” The false belief, which causes most of our unhappiness, is the belief that our life should be different from what it is. We honestly believe that different circumstances would make us happier. If our spouse just loved us more, if we could get a promotion, if we could just move somewhere else, then we’d be happy. But the idea that happiness is attained through external situations is a myth, because there are lots of people who have what you say you want and still aren’t happy. You were subconsciously trained as a child to believe that happiness is attached to external circumstances, but it isn't true. Happiness isn’t created through what you do, have, or experience. It doesn’t come from having someone love you. It doesn’t come from money, achievements or fame. It comes from something much deeper (yet more simple) — it comes from a positive, accurate outlook or mindset about life. Happiness is a choice you can make in any circumstance. If you want to feel happier, you must change some of your false beliefs about life and learn how to choose happiness even when circumstances aren’t ideal. It is possible to be happy even when life disappoints you. It’s not easy — but it is possible. That doesn’t mean you won’t feel sad and mourn a loss, but it means you won’t choose to live there. You can create a state of happiness inside yourself regardless of your circumstances and this is really the only way you will ever get it. Here are some suggestions to help you choose more happiness:
Remember you get to decide the weather, wherever you are. It is easier to pretend you are powerless and blame others or life for how you feel, but this is a cop-out. You really do have the power to control your emotions and choose to be happy if you want to. I’m going to work this with you. We can do it! Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness. She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night. Question:
I read your article on intimidation. However, if the other person has the power to harm us and our career due to his or her position of authority, like refusing a promotion or a pay raise, or even worse, firing us, how then can we not be intimidated and how can we not fear them? After all, they can cause us real problems. I also have a spouse who is threatening to leave the church we both belong to and this scares and intimidates me too. How can I not be scared of these situations when they could really mess up my life? Answer: I’m going to answer your question by giving you a different perspective on these relationships. If you can change the way you see yourself and these people they won’t feel as threatening to you. It is true these people could create some challenges in your life, but the extent to how these challenges causes you to suffer is completely up to you. You have control over how you feel about these people and their behavior. You could see yourself as safe and choose to believe you have nothing to fear. At least you have the option of seeing your life this way, if you want to. You basically have two options when it comes to how you will see and experience your life: Option 1 - You can see your life as a scary and dangerous place where all kinds of bad things can happen, thus robbing you of the journey you deserved to have. You can see people as threats and feel intimidated and scared of them. You can spend your energy protecting and defending yourself from all the hurt or problems they could inflict upon you. Option 2 - You can see your life as a safe, classroom experience where you always get the perfect lesson you need next to help you learn and grow. You can see people as teachers and focus on the ways their behavior could help you become more loving. You can spend your energy giving love to others, loving yourself and creating a peaceful life. I highly recommend Option 2. You can choose to see the perfect in every situation, focus on the lessons, and choose love and forgiveness over judgment and fear. You not only can do this, you are meant to learn to do this as well. You are meant to live in abundance and peace, in spite of the challenges around you. Here are six principles that can help you adopt a more peaceful mindset:
Wisdom means seeing yourself, the other person and the situation accurately. Even if they get you fired, you are still the same you with the same value and the experience of being fired can only hurt you if you let it. It will also not happen unless it is your perfect journey to have it happen because you are meant to learn something from the experience. If your spouse leaves your religion, which disappoints you and affects your children and their faith, then it was the perfect lesson in their classroom journey, too. The universe sent them to your family with these parents for a reason and whatever way you mess them up will be the perfect way they were meant to be messed up so they can have their perfect journey figuring themselves out. No matter what happens your journey — and theirs — is safe and perfect. At least you have the option of seeing your life this way if you want to. Forgiveness means choosing to let go of judgment, condemnation, criticism and fear toward another person because you don’t want to live in fear yourself. There is a universal law we call “You get what you give." This means if you choose to judge people, you will also feel judged by everyone around you. If you see anyone as not good enough, you will feel not good enough yourself. If you choose to see this person as threatening, you will feel threatened everywhere. If you choose to see yourself as bulletproof and this person as an innocent student in the classroom of life with infinite and absolute value no matter how they behave and allow them to be as they are, while still having healthy boundaries and speaking up for yourself when necessary from a space of trust and love, you can change the dynamic of the relationship completely. When you choose to live in trust and love, these people will feel safe with you and stop seeing you as a threat. When they feel safe, they will treat you a lot better. Love has the power to completely change the energy in any relationship. When you choose to see people with wisdom and forgive them for being lost, scared, confused and behaving badly (because you get this way on occasion too), they will also respect you more. They have to. There is a great “High Level Forgiveness Formula Worksheet” on my website resources page that can help you to adopt this mindset. If it sounds difficult, that is only because you aren’t used to seeing life this way, but you can do it with practice. You can do this. Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness. She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night. |
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AuthorKimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio. Archives
March 2022
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