Question:
My daughter is angry, difficult and unmotivated. She has been breaking rules and I suspect she is making some really bad choices when she is away from home. I hate that I have no relationship with her except to try to enforce rules because she won’t talk to me. Every interaction with her is strained right now, and I don’t know how to change this and get my sweet daughter back.
Answer:

She is still your sweet daughter, she is just scared and in pain. When someone is functioning from fear and pain, they often aren't very nice and get defensive easy. It also sounds like you have reached the stage where she is doing whatever she wants, so the days of trying to control her are over. The more you try to control her, the more she will pull away from you emotionally.

What works at this stage is to become a “side by side” partner in figuring life out with your teen. But the key to creating this connection is to respect them, trust them and give them a heavy dose of unconditional love and appreciation. If you can do these things, she will let you be a partner and even talk to you.

Shefali Tsabary, author of "The Conscious Parent," says, “If our teens are failing at school or are unmotivated, it’s because they are trying to tell us something is wrong … if you respond with control or dogmatism, you will only push them further away. The less rigid you are with them, the more likely they are to maintain a relationship with you. If you are overbearing and possessive, this will only serve to catapult them further into negative behavior. … At this point we have to remove ourselves from any illusion we can control their life. The only way to gain access to them is through rebuilding our lost connection.”

Rebuilding your connection is going to happen through acceptance, trust, respect and unconditional love.

You must accept her as she is right now. This is not about accepting her behavior, it is about accepting her as a human being as she is, where she is. You must set aside your expectations for how you wanted her to be and show her that who she is now — is good enough for you. You must show that her bad behavior doesn’t scare you, because you know she is gold inside and will figure the rest out in time.

Acceptance means focusing on your child’s intrinsic qualities more than on her performance. This may mean you get to learn how to be in awe of every human soul and their goodness, potential and intrinsic value, more than you ever have before. We are all one-of-a-kind, powerful, unique, irreplaceable, amazing, divine, infinitely valuable beings even if we are not acting like one right now. You are truly lucky to have this amazing soul in your life. She is in your life to teach you lessons and she deserves your admiration, appreciation, love and acceptance as much as you or any other person on the planet does. Shefali Tsabary recommends saying things like:

You amaze me.
I'm so lucky to be your parent.
I am in awe of who you are.
I am amazed by your spirit and spunk.
Your capacity for kindness and fun are so beautiful.
Your ability to imagine is extraordinary.
You have greatness in you, kid.
You are a special person.

I see such huge potential in your future because of your strength and fire, or quiet mindfulness, or interesting creative ideas.

Whatever your child has inside them (as far as qualities and attributes) make sure you see them and praise them often. Don’t worry about results or performance at this point. If you focus on helping her see and accept her own goodness and value, the accomplishments will follow eventually, but without some acceptance and appreciation for who she is now, she can’t and won’t have the confidence to achieve. You can still talk about performance in terms of what she learned from each experience and might do better next time, but make sure she understands her performance isn't tied to her value.

You must also trust God and the universe that your child is safe in this journey, as are you. Life is a classroom, and though the journey may be a rough one and your child may suffer and learn some things the hard way, in the big real end, everything is going to be OK. When you trust God and the universe about this, you will have less fear and more connection.

You must also trust your teen to make good choices (even if you have some fear that they won’t.) You must do this because if they can feel you don’t trust them, it further damages their self-worth and your connection with them. It's always better to trust and be wrong than to distrust and be wrong. When she feels you trust her ability to make it in life, she is more likely to want to live up to your belief in her. If she feels you don’t trust her to make it, she is more likely to live up to that too. (If they have proven you can't trust them, you still have no control, so telling them you trust them anyway won't hurt and it may motivate or inspire them.)

You must respect your teen. This means honoring their right to choose their own path and be their own person. It means listening more than you talk and actually respecting how they think and feel. It means biting your tongue and asking permission before you give advice or make suggestions. It means creating a safe place where they can talk to you about anything. If this is hard for you to do, you may need to get some professional help to work on your own fears first. Remember respect is a two-way street, and if you want to get it you must give it.

Unconditional love is what they need most. Your daughter needs to feel that you are on her side regardless of her performance, grades, appearance or religious standing. They must feel unconditionally loved where they are right now. What most parents don’t realize is that a deep fear of inadequacy is the real problem with most kids, and the cure is not criticism or punishment for bad behavior (that was only a cry for help anyway). They need boundaries but they also need to feel your unconditional love, admiration, respect and trust because this helps them to feel their intrinsic worth, which will patch up the real issue that caused the bad behavior to begin with.

Here are seven important things you can do to help your child at any age:

1. Praise their qualities and attributes more than their performance. Show them their value comes from who they are, not what they do.
   
   
2. Let go of your expectations and let them be their own person. Accept and celebrate the ways they are different from you or what you expected.
   
   
3. Teach them to trust life by not overreacting, over-analyzing or worrying too much. Teach them to see life as a wise teacher and feel safe in the process even when things go wrong.
   
   
4. Teach them to experience emotions and process through them instead of self-medicating or distracting yourself from them. Make sure you both know how to process and feel your way through your experiences.
   
   
5. Spend a lot of quality time with them, give them your attention and listen to them. This is how you show them they are valuable, important and cared about.
   
   
6. Help them learn resiliency by not panicking when things go wrong. Teach them to listen to their intuition and trust themselves.
   
   
7. Teach them to be true to themselves and make sure they learn to speak their truth and ask for what they need. You do this both by encouraging it and by example. You also must listen and give them your attention when they speak.
   
   

If you work on these things along with acceptance, respect, trust and unconditional love, it will make a big difference and turn things around. I also put a Worksheet for Frustrated Parents on our website, which I recommend you fill out often. It will help you get out of fear and respond with love.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a coach and speaker.

This article was first published on KSL.com
Question:
I have a preteen who is struggling with school and I want to learn how to better communicate with him so we can have peace and love in our relationship now and in the coming years. I realize that I get upset when he doesn't get his work done because I have a fear of him failing and of not being a good parent. What else can I do to stop reacting badly when I get triggered? What else can I do to build a more peaceful relationship with him?
Answer:

There are four things you must do to get your reacting (temper, panic and anxiety) under control so you can be a better parent.

1. Recognize your ego issues and what triggers (scares) you. As a parent it is really hard not to come from a space of ego, superiority, control or neediness when it comes to our children, but when we get attached to preserving our ego or our expectations, the relationship will always suffer. There are four types of ego problems explained in the book “The Conscious Parent” by Shefali Tsabary, which can help you to see what your fear issues are about. They are:
   
   
1. Attachment to Image — Where your sense of self-worth has become tangled up in your child’s behavior and how you look to others.
   
   
2. Attachment to Perfection — Where you have projected your fear of not being good enough onto your child, who must be nearly perfect to make you feel safe.
   
   
3. Attachment to Conformity — Where your sense of safety comes from fitting in and being the same as or fitting in with other people.
   
   
4. Attachment to Control — Where you must have control over your child and your life to feel safe. This means you have fear of loss a lot of the time.
   
   

Take a minute and own which of these subconsciously influence your fears and reactions to your children. Being willing to admit an ego or fear problem is the first step to fixing it.

Understand that you have fears around failure and loss that trigger you and produce reactive bad behavior — and you would be dealing with these issues whether your child was in your life or not. This means your child cannot be blamed for your anger, frustration, anxiety and fear of looking bad or losing control. Your emotions and bad behavior (which do show up when your child triggers you) are not really about them. These situations with your child are just showing you your issues so you can work on them.

Tsabary said, “Through our children we get orchestra seats to the complex theatrics of our own immaturity. They awaken our unresolved emotional issues from our childhood. Nevertheless, because our children are vulnerable and mostly powerless, we feel free to blame them for our reactivity.”

We must stop doing this and grow up, which leads us to the next step…

1. Sit with your emotions instead of reacting to them. The next time you get triggered, instead of reacting, take some time and sit with what you are feeling. Is it anxiety, fear, loss of control, anger, a feeling of being disrespected or looked down on, is it about feeling unimportant, stupid or a feeling of failure? Understand these feelings are not about your child. These are emotions and sensitivities that existed inside you already. They are coming from your unresolved life experiences. Sit quietly and experience what you are feeling and ask yourself some questions like: Where does this fear come from? How often do I experience this? What is it really about? If you don’t stop, slow down and think through what you are feeling and why, you will probably keep reacting emotionally and projecting or blaming your emotions on your child. When you do this your child loses respect for you and this only adds to the problem.
   
   

1. Don’t make their behavior personal and watch your interpretations. It is a basic tendency of human nature that you make everything about you. This is a problem because, most of the time, other people’s behavior has very little to do with you. When your child lashes out at you, it is most likely about anger they are feeling about their life (you are the target of it in this moment), but it’s not really about you. The worst thing you can do take it as a personal attack and lash back. That would be reactive and immature.
   What your child needs in that moment is for you to “take yourself out of the equation” as Tsabary puts it and say, “Are you OK? Tell me about your frustrations and why you’re upset.” And then sit back and listen and let them vent it all out — without reacting or making it about you and your emotions.
   Also remember that nothing means anything until you start applying interpretation to it. A situation just is — it doesn’t mean you aren’t a good parent, your child hates you, or anything else. It is nothing more than what it is — your child is feeling emotions right now, which could lead to good lessons for both of you — nothing more. Tsabary says, “All dysfunction involves our deeply personalized interpretations of the events around us.” To stop creating interpretations you must take your thoughts less seriously and even if possible think about them less. Just let them be what they are. Don’t add to a negative situation by overthinking it and applying meaning that doesn’t belong.
   
   

1. See everything as it is — as a perfect lesson. Buddha says all our suffering comes from our resistance to “what is.” And we suffer a lot when we wish what is was something else! It is not easy to learn to accept things as they are without resistance and understand they are “this” way for a reason. The classroom of life (we call the universe) only delivers perfect lessons to help you grow and become stronger, wiser and more loving. It doesn’t make mistakes and I promise whatever situation is showing up right now in your life, with your children, spouse, co-workers or friends, it is here for a reason to teach you something important. Your job is to stop wishing it wasn’t here and take the time to figure out the lesson — for you. Stop trying to fix your child and make sure they learn the lesson. Your job is to learn yours.
   
   

I’ve been working this year to let my life be like a swim through water. Sometimes the water is rough and waves are high and it sometimes overwhelms me, but I don’t try to control the waves and make the water meet my expectations. I roll with it. I am patient with it and use it to help me become stronger and calmer. I learn to control my reactions to it and against it, and instead calm myself and ride it out in peace and love, letting it be what it is. I also try to see offenses, bad behavior or attacks towards me as cuts through water, which are immediately healed, gone and forgiven, as fast as they showed up.

Whenever someone attacks or offends you, you get to decide is it a cut through water, which is immediately gone, a cut through sand, which might be gone by tomorrow, or a cut through stone, which will be there for decades. I recommend being water.

Learning to live with calm acceptance of situations, lovingly and calmly working through emotions to create what you want, without attachment to the outcome, because you trust the process of life — this will create the mature, loving, peaceful relationship you want with your son. Just keep working on controlling yourself.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular coach and speaker.

This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question:

We have a daughter that we are struggling with. She is independent and stubborn and she rebels against everything we say. She has also rejected our religion, which causes us great heartache, and she is very disrespectful. We are really at a loss at what else to do to control her and wondered if you had any advice? Do you ever work with wayward teens or young adults?

Answer:

I do recommend coaching for some teens, but it is usually much more effective to get the parents in coaching. You (the parents) are the ones who have the power to change the relationship with your child. You are the only one who can.

My advice to you is to work on these three things: 1) Seeing your parenting job in a new way; 2) not trying to control and instead work to connect with your child; and 3) work on being more conscious — less scared and more loving. I will explain each of these in detail.

Seeing your parenting job in a new way is the first step to changing this relationship. You must remember that you are here in the classroom of life to learn and love — and you and your child are both the students and the teachers here. You will teach your child many important things, but she will probably teach you more than you will ever teach her.

In my favorite parenting book “The Conscious Parent” by Shefali Tsabary, he says, “It’s my experience that the relationship between parent and child exists for the primary purpose of the parent's transformation, and only secondary for the raising of the child.” This idea completely changed the way I parent.

Your children will be your greatest teachers and you must start seeing them this way, if you are going to repair your relationship. Your children are your greatest teachers because:

1) They have the ability to trigger your two core fears better than anyone else. When your child behaves badly, it triggers your fear of failure as a parent (looking bad) and your fear of loss (losing them). No one can scare you as well as your children, and your behavior is its worst when you are scared. It is really a beautiful thing to have these little people around you day and night who can so effectively trigger your fears and give you so many opportunities to practice growing up, trusting God, letting go of your attachments, your need for control and your need for approval. Isn’t that an amazing gift?

2) They have picked up most of your fears and bad habits and when they act out, they are usually mirroring back to you your own behavior or subconscious anger or pain. This gives you the opportunity to see it and become more conscious of why you carry that anger and pain. Have you noticed that you always struggle most with the child who is most like you? This is because they are showing you what you need to work on and it bothers you.

Tsabary says, “The inappropriate behavior of your children is a call to increased consciousness on your part”

This child is in your life to help you grow, learn and overcome your shortcomings and fears. If you see your daughter as your teacher, it will change everything. You will be more focused on changing you (the one thing you have control over) instead of trying to control her. I promise this will help.

Stop trying to control and instead work to connect with your child. I think the biggest problem in most families is that they are parenting from a place of ego, control, force, fear and neediness. (If you are doing this it is because it’s what you learned from your parents.) Your parents were probably afraid and suffering from self-esteem and anger issues, and because of this they parented with a top down style. Top down means having an "I am the boss, I have the power and the control, and you must meet my expectations and do what I say … or else" kind of attitude. Ego-driven parents are mainly focused on getting the behavior they need from their children. They need the children to make them look good and feel a sense of safety and control. (Can you own some of this in yourself?)

Imagine trying to create a relationship with a friend or co-worker from this space. Do you think they would like you? Or would they rebel and push against being treated this way? Of course they would. The oppressed and controlled always rebel.

Tsabary says if you want to connect with your child you must set aside any sense of superiority over them, let go of your expectations about how they should behave, stop trying to control them, and make your number one job being aware of your ego and fear, get it under control, and choose love toward your child.

I find it helps to remember that I am not really in charge of this child and their education - God is. He is also good at this job and doesn’t need me to control or force anyone. He just wants me to learn, serve and love.

This does not mean being overly permissive though. You must still have boundaries and discipline in your parenting, but you must enforce them from a place of trust, love, mutual respect and understanding, not from a place of force, control or ego.

You can do this by listening, honoring and respecting your child more. This is how connection happens. You must honor their unique essence, their ideas and feelings. You must ask questions and create a safe place (without judgment or fear) where they can share what they are experiencing and talk through those experiences. You could even occupy a space that says “How about we look at life and the options it presents and figure out what makes the most sense as far as your choices, and do it together?”

I once asked my son if he would be honest with me about behavior I suspected was happening. He said, I can do that mom, if you can promise me you can handle the truth without freaking out (reacting from your fear). He was asking me if I could set my stuff aside and not make his choices about me. Could I really show up for him and talk about what he was experiencing without fear and judgment in the mix? Could I keep this about him, support and love?

If you want a real connection with your daughter, you must stop trying to control her. You must put all your effort into unconditional love and connection with her. You are both struggling students in the classroom of life, with much more to learn. You must not squelch her spirit or her self-worth with disapproval and control. You can still set limits and have rules in your home, but you must enforce them with open, honest, calm, loving, rational conversations. There is a worksheet on my website for Mutually Validating Conversations that might help you learn to do this.

Work on being more conscious — less scared and more loving. Tsabary said, “To parent consciously we have to become astute observers of our own behavior when we are with our children.”

I have found a very simple way to do this. Understand that there are really only two options, In every moment you are in one of two places:

1. You are in fear energy — coming from a place of protecting, controlling, telling, probing, demanding and needing in order to calm your fears. Or …
   
   
2. You are in love energy — coming from a place of calming, offering, listening, honoring, respecting, caring and giving in order to serve and lift others.
   
   

Your number one job as a parent and a human being is to be responsible for your inner state all the time. You must do this because the behavior of those around you is happening in direct response to the energy you are bringing. If you show up in fear energy people will generally dislike you, avoid you, distrust you and disrespect you.

If you show up in love energy people will feel safe with you, respect and honor you, be drawn to you and want to be around you. This is the kind of energy you want in your relationship with your child, one of mutual validation, concern, respect and love.

You can create this kind of relationship but it must be earned through love-based behavior, it cannot be demanded.

Tsabary says, "While you believe your most important challenge is to raise your children well, there is a more important task you must attend to, which is the foundation of effective parenting. This task is to raise yourself into the most awakened and present individual you can be.”

This is going to take some work — but you can do it.

Click here to learn about the book "The Conscious Parent." 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a coach and speaker.

This was first published on KSL.com
Question:
My husband and I have been married for almost 30 years and we are now empty nesters. I thought by now we would be enjoying our relationship more than ever, but that is not the case. He is being treated by our family doctor for some minor depression, but it doesn't seem to be helping and he refuses to see a psychiatrist or even a psychologist. He literally is refusing to do anything and is just unhappy all the time. I am truly at my wits end. I want him to get better and be happy but he seems to want to stay unhappy. Do you have any advice?
Answer:

I have written other articles addressing depression, so I’m not going to do that in this one. I do highly recommend that anyone suffering from depression get professional help with it. I’m not sure if your husband is battling chemical depression from your letter, but I’m going to assume, in this case, that there are other contributing factors to his unhappiness, things which he could have some control over.

There are three main reasons that people create unhappiness either consciously or subconsciously, which are not related to depression. When someone is not interested in getting help, or is still unhappy after getting help, one of these three causes of unhappiness might also be in play.

Here are the three mains causes of unhappiness (they show up to some degree in everyone):

1. Dissatisfaction with what is happening in your life. This means you are either craving things/events/circumstances you don’t have in your life that you wish you had or you are feeling bothered with things/events/circumstances that you do have in your life that you wish you didn’t have. Buddha referred to these as cravings and aversions. He believed they were the real cause of all suffering. They are basically choosing to be unhappy because what is in your life — isn’t what you wanted it to be. In other words life isn’t meeting your expectations, and you were attached to those expectations, so you choosing not to be happy until life gives you what you want.
   
2. Fear about either your future or your past. This means you are holding onto fear about the past and experiencing shame, guilt or regret for things that already happened over which you have no control to change. Or you are choosing to worry about something that might happen in the future even though you don’t know if it really will. Either way you are borrowing misery from yesterday or tomorrow to suffer with today — for no good reason, because you cannot change the past of the future right now. Fear is also a negative energy that blocks love and joy.
   
3. Choosing to be unhappy because unhappiness benefits you in some way. Some of you learned as a child that unhappiness could get you love and attention. You learned to play the self-pity card to earn sympathy love. You may be subconsciously OK when bad things happen to you, because you might use your unfortunate circumstances to get attention, or you may use it as an excuse to get you out of doing things you either don’t want to do or are scared to do. You could also use your unhappiness to hide from challenges, growth opportunities or learning that pushes you outside your comfort zone. You could use unhappiness to subconsciously protect you from looking bad or failing.
   

There is a possibility that your husband’s unhappiness has become part of his coping mechanism to protect him from life and risks, or he could have formed his sense of identity around it and doesn’t know who he would be without it. Hence, he may not be interested in fixing it, because there are benefits to staying where he is.
The truth for most of us is that our unhappiness is self-inflicted.
What I mean is most of the time being unhappy is an option, but it isn’t your only option. You could choose a trusting, peaceful, optimistic happy mindset in this moment if you wanted to. (Obviously I am not talking about chemical depression or times when a loved one dies or other difficult challenges befall you. I am talking about in your normal day-to-day life.)
I learned this truth from studying the work of Viktor Frankl, who survived the Jewish concentration camps in World War II and wrote the book “Man’s Search for Meaning.” He found that even in the most difficult circumstances he had the power (the last of the human freedoms, he called it) to choose his attitude.
I believe this is truth, and understanding this principle is the first step to experiencing or creating more happiness in your life. No matter how bad today is, you have the power to overcome these three causes of unhappiness and choose gratitude, trust, love, optimism and even joy. Here are some suggestions that might help you choose more happiness:

1. Focus on gratitude for what’s right in your life. There is a Law of Nature Worksheet on my website that will step you through making an inventory of what’s missing, what’s wrong and what’s right in your life. Doing this will help you to see that no matter how many things aren’t right, you still have a lot to be grateful for. You must also understand that this in the nature of life. You will never have everything as you want it. You will always have some things right and some things wrong. The amount of happiness you experience in your life depends entirely on where you focus. Focus on gratitude every day, even listing all your blessings, and you will find many reasons to smile.
   
2. Trust the process of life. Life is a classroom, and there is divine order in the universe. It knows what it is doing and it will always deliver the best experiences you need for your growth and learning. No matter what misfortune befalls you, you can be sure — there is meaning and purpose in it. You will not suffer for nothing. You will gain wisdom and strength from every experience. The more you trust the journey and stop worrying about the future, the happier you will be. You can plan for the future, but that is entirely different from worrying about it. You can also learn from the past. It has lessons to teach you, but it serves no one to carry guilt, shame or regret about it. Embrace the lessons and let the rest go. Focus on today and being the best person you can be right now — and you will be happier.
   
3. Take time and write down on paper what possible benefits you receive from staying unhappy. What does being unhappy get you? Be honest with yourself. What would you lose if you were happy? Then write down the costs for staying unhappy. What does being unhappy cost you? What would a different, more positive attitude get you? Just owning the truth on paper will help you to get clarity and choose better.
   

It is time to start living intentionally. You have the power to determine your mindset and how you feel. You get to choose the kind of energy you bring into every room you enter, and there are really only two choices. You can be positive, love, have faith and kindness energy or you can be negative, draining, fear and have neediness energy. Who do you want to be?
This is a personal decision each person must make by and for themselves in every moment. You cannot push your husband into happiness. He must want it and choose it.
See if he would be open to reading this article and even more importantly see if he would be open to getting some help. Most of us need a little professional guidance to get control of our subconscious programs and change ourselves — but he can do it and you can too. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a coach and speaker.