This was not published on KSL.com
In this edition of LIFEadvice, Coach Kim shares some tips for rebuilding connections with your teen.
My teen daughter is angry all the time. She is breaking rules at home and I suspect she is making bad choices when she is away from home. I am so sad that I don't have a better relationship with her, but if I try to enforce any rules she gets so mad and thinks I am the mean, awful one. She either won't talk to me or says she hates me. Every interaction with her is strained, and I don't know how to change this and improve our relationship. I don't know how to help her.
First, you need to understand that your child is scared and in pain. She most likely has low self-esteem and even even be harboring some self-hate, which she is projecting onto you. Whenever someone is angry, hostile, defensive or attacking, try to remember that it's hurting people who hurt people.
When someone is functioning in fear and pain, they often aren't very nice. They can be critical, defensive and attacking (meaning they will blame everything on you). Please understand, this is a self-protection strategy. They don't know a better way to protect themselves, so they are resorting to seeing you as the enemy and attacking you. This strategy feels much safer than working on themselves.
They often feel so worthless that they simply cannot handle the thought that they are wrong or at fault. They need to project the blame and shame on someone else to feel safe.
When you have a loved one who is acting out, picking fights, or pushing you away, it is important that you see this as scared behavior, which is really a request for love. They desperately need to feel important, good enough, safe, appreciated, seen and loved. The problem is their behavior doesn't make you want to give them love or validation at all.
It also sounds like you have reached the stage where she is exercising her freedom to choose whatever she wants, so the days of trying to control her behavior are over. The more you try to control her, the more she will pull away from you emotionally.
You should have rules and boundaries, but they need to be renegotiated. You need to have a serious heart-to-heart conversation where you concede that she is going to make her own choices, no matter what you say or do. Every child reaches this stage as part of growing up, but many kids claim their freedom long before their brains are developed enough to make good choices. This is what scares us as parents.
What works best at this stage is to become a "side-by-side" partner in figuring life out with your teen. The key to creating this connection and collaboration is to respect them, trust them and give them a heavy dose of unconditional love and validation. If you can do these things, your child may decide to let you be a partner and even talk to you.
Shefali Tsabary, author of "The Conscious Parent," says, "If our teens are failing at school or are unmotivated, it's because they are trying to tell us something is wrong … if you respond with control or dogmatism, you will only push them further away. The less rigid you are with them, the more likely they are to maintain a relationship with you. If you are overbearing and possessive, this will only serve to catapult them further into negative behavior. … At this point, we have to remove ourselves from any illusion we can control their life. The only way to gain access to them is through rebuilding our lost connection."
Here are some ways to rebuild your connection — and these same suggestions also work with your spouse to create a better relationship.
Accept them as they are right now
This is not about accepting her bad behavior; it is about accepting her as a human being right on track in her perfect classroom journey. You must set aside your expectations for how you wanted her to be and show her that who she is now is good enough for you. You must show that her bad behavior doesn't scare you because you know she is so wonderful, loving, smart and good on the inside, and she will figure the rest out in time.
Focus on their intrinsic qualities more than their performance or behavior
Commit to seeing the divine in every person. Be in awe of every human soul and their goodness, potential and intrinsic value. We are all one-of-a-kind, powerful, unique, irreplaceable, amazing, infinitely valuable beings, even if we are not acting like one right now. You are truly lucky to have this amazing soul in your life. She is in your life to teach you and help you become better, wiser and more loving. No matter her current behavior, she deserves your admiration, appreciation, love and acceptance as much as you or any other person on the planet does.
Tsabary recommends even saying things like:
You can still talk about performance and behavior in terms of what she learned from each experience and might do better next time, but make sure she understands her performance isn't tied to her value and that every day you see the amazing goodness in her.
Trust God and the universe that she is safe, as are you
Life is a classroom, and though the journey may be a rough one and your child may suffer and learn some things the hard way, in the end, everything is going to be OK. God has your child and their perfect classroom well in hand and you both are safer than you think When you trust God and the universe about this, you will have less fear and a better connection with the people in your life.
Trust them to make good choices (even if you are afraid they won't.) You will do this because they are going to choose whatever they want anyway. But, if they can feel you don't trust them or think they are a bad kid, it further damages their self-worth and your connection with them. It's always better to trust and be wrong than to distrust and be wrong. If your child can feel that you trust her abilities and believe she is smart and strong enough to make it in life, she is more likely to believe in herself and make good choices. If she feels you don't trust her to make it, she is more likely to live up to that too. (If they have proven you can't trust them, you still have no control, so telling them you trust them anyway won't hurt and it may motivate them.)
**Respect them. **This means honoring their right to choose their own path and be their own person. It means listening more than you talk and actually respecting what they think and feel. It means asking permission before you give advice or make suggestions. It means creating a safe place where they can talk to you about anything with being talked down to, lectured, or shamed. If this is hard for you to do, you may need to get some professional help to work on your own fears first. Just remember that respect is a two-way street, and if you want to get it you must give it.
**Unconditional love is what they need most. **Your child needs to feel that you are on her side regardless of her performance, grades, appearance or religious standing. They must feel unconditionally loved where they are right now. What most parents don't realize is that a deep fear of inadequacy is the real problem most of the time, and the cure is not criticism or punishment for bad behavior (which was only a cry for help). They need boundaries, but they also need to feel your unconditional love, admiration, respect and trust, because this helps them to feel their intrinsic worth. When they feel these things, changes in behavior always follow.
Let go of your expectations and let them be their own person. Accept and celebrate the ways they are different from you or what you expected.
Teach them how to process emotions. Teach them to experience their emotions in a healthy way and process them instead of self-medicating or distracting from them. Make sure you both know how to process and feel your way through your experiences.
Don't panic or react badly when things go wrong or they make mistakes. Don't react in fear. Take time to rebalance yourself in trust and love, before you respond. Show them how to calmly talk things through and find solutions. If you don't know how to do this, work with a coach or counselor and up your own skills.
Teach them to listen to their intuition and trust themselves to make decisions. I wrote an article on this here.
Parenting is a life long journey of growth, for you as much as your child. See whatever situation you are in with your teen, as your perfect classroom and trust that you will both get through it. I also highly recommend some professional help to up your skills and give you additional tools.
You can do this.
This was first published on KSL.com
In this edition of LIFEadvice, Coach Kim shares a few suggestions for changing the cycle of offense and blame and making your relationship richer.
I love your advice on KSL and it's helped me a lot, but my question is how do you stop feeling offended when people disregard you or make you feel unimportant? My spouse says our problems are my fault because I get upset too easily. I think our problems are his fault because he is so often thoughtless. We keep having the same fight again and again because of this issue. I know I get offended often, but I think it's his behavior that needs to change and he thinks I just shouldn't get mad. If I don't get mad, though, he will keep treating me this way. I feel stuck in this cycle and we can't get out. Any advice on this?
Almost all relationships get stuck in a fear and blame cycle at some point. It becomes like the chicken and the egg question: which came first and who is to blame? Did he start it with his rudeness or did you start it by getting offended?
The truth likely is that you are both equally responsible for allowing the relationship to become a place of fear and distrust instead of one of safety and love. It is going to take both of you to turn it around. You both must commit to changing yourself, not each other. As long as you are both pointing fingers, nothing will change.
To focus on changing your own behavior, ask yourself: How can I step it up and be more forgiving, loving and kind? How can I take responsibility for my unloving behavior? Your spouse must do the same in committing to work on himself and change his "selfish" behavior.
You must work on your triggers and figure out what beliefs you have that are making you feel unsafe (offended). There is usually a pattern to it, and it's tied to some foundational beliefs you adopted in childhood. You may want to consider working with a coach or counselor to process these beliefs; it's faster and easier with help.
Here are some things you can do to start the process:
1. Figure out what your beliefs are and where they come from
Think back to some of your earliest memories of being upset. Can you remember what you thought or felt at that time? Did you feel unloved, unimportant, worthless, unwanted, mistreated, distrustful toward someone who was supposed to protect you?
Write down your thoughts and feelings about how these early experiences. Did you draw any conclusions from these experiences? Some might include: "People can't be trusted," "I am all on my own," "It's safer not to talk," "I must defend myself because no one else will," "I am not good enough," "I am not safe," or "I don't deserve love."
It is highly likely that these thoughts and conclusions have become your beliefs and that these beliefs are making you feel unsafe a lot of the time. It's not really your spouse who is making you feel this way; you have programs in your subconscious mind that already believed these things before your spouse was even in the picture. You have had these beliefs and thoughts for so long, they are now just easy to trigger and bring out. This is your problem, not your spouse's.
2. Get ready to do the work
Remember, a relationship is a place where two imperfect, scared people come together to work on improving themselves. Your relationship is not a picnic, a dream come true, or a vacation. It is school and it's going to take work and dedication to stay in it and make it work. You both must commit to seeing your relationship — and your disagreements — as perfect classroom material and dedicate yourself to self-improvement.
3. See your spouse as an amazing teacher in your life classroom
As your significant other, your husband is in a unique position to trigger your deepest fears and bring them out so you can work on them. No one can trigger your very worst behavior better than your significant other. No one has more power to hurt you. No one else sees you at your worst and knows the faults that you hide from the world. Because of this, these relationships are often hard and painful, but they can also be the richest part of your life if you are both committed to creating that.
That being said, if you are physically, emotionally or psychologically unsafe in your relationship, you should seek professional help immediately. You might need to leave the relationship until the other person does some work on their side. If you suspect that you might be experiencing abuse, contact a mental health professional and get some support.
When your spouse says or does something that triggers you to feel angry, mistreated or insulted, step back and ask these questions before you respond:
4. Remember, nothing can diminish you
Your value is infinite and absolute. You have the same worth as everyone else, regardless of what others do or say. So, you can choose to see yourself as bulletproof. You could decide to let this offense bounce off. But if you feel you must address this offense with your spouse, do so with the understanding that your value can't change and this is a perfect lesson for you. This will make you feel safer and allow you to show more love for them.
5. Choose to take control and responsibility in this situation
You get to choose how you will experience each situation. You are going to tell yourself a story about what happened and add meaning to it, one way or another. You can choose to be hurt and offended, and have self-pity or righteous anger story. You can use it to cast the other person as the "bad guy" so you can feel superior. You could use this to play the victim. But if you choose any of these scenarios, you will be giving your power away and inviting division into your relationship.
In every interaction with your significant other, you are adding either fear and distrust or love into the relationship. If you snap, criticize, insult, are harsh or insensitive, you are adding fear to the relationship. If you are reacting badly to your partner's behavior and getting offended, you are adding fear. If you keep choosing to protect yourself over showing love to the other, you are adding fear. If you both keep adding fear all the time, there will soon be no love left in it.
You must be responsible for what you are adding to this relationship every day. What can you do to add love into the relationship at this moment? Ask yourself after every interaction: Did I add fear or love? Was I more about protecting myself or loving them? This is the key to making your relationship a safer place for both of you.
You can do this.
This was first published on KSL.com
I've heard from quite a few people this week who are stressed about the quarrels and family drama that so often accompany Thanksgiving dinner.
So, here are a few things to think about that might help you experience more love toward your relatives this year.
Who and what are you?
This is one of the most important questions you will answer in your life. It's important because your beliefs about your creation, your nature and your intrinsic worth create the lens through which you see the world. You literally see the world as you see yourself. Every choice, reaction and emotion reveals how you feel about yourself. What is your worst behavior saying about who and what you think you are?
Where does your value come from?
Right now, you subconsciously believe your beliefs, ideas, appearance, property and accomplishments determine your value. You likely believe your value must be earned, which means you also believe some people are better or worse than you. This belief is the reason you might see yourself as not good enough, but these are all just beliefs. They are not facts, which means you can change them any time you want.
You could choose to believe that your value is not tied to anything you have done or achieved. It is not based on how you look or what anyone thinks of you, and your performance and mistakes can't change it. You could choose to believe your value is tied to only one thing: your perfect, irreplaceable, divine creation by God or the universe.
Stop believing you create your own value
You didn't and don't create yourself, nor do you decide or determine your value, nor is it affected by what other people think of you. The only opinion that matters is the one who created us. This higher power gave all humans the same divine, infinite value, which doesn't change and isn't in question (at least you have the option of believing this idea is truth).
Robert Perry in his writing about self-esteem said, "If you were a homeless person without a penny, dirty and disheveled, forgotten by everyone, all of this limitless self-worth would still be yours. It has nothing to do with anything particular to you. In this sense, nothing particular about you matters. Your special talents, your special traits, your special place in the world—none of them can increase your self-worth one bit. It is already infinite. For you are the son (or daughter) of God."
Choosing to see people this way could change everything.
You aren't powerful enough to diminish your value
You could choose to believe that you were created by divine love, through divine love and as divine love, and that your value comes from this alone, is innate inside you and never changes. You could choose to believe your achievements, behavior, intelligence, appearance and popularity have no effect on your Identity or worth. While they might change your extrinsic value as the world sees it, they cannot change your intrinsic worth at all.
This means all your efforts to earn your value through your appearance or performance are futile. Think about this: God, or the universe, did not give you the power to diminish his creation (you) or make it worthless. He didn't give you the power to ruin yourself or discount his creation. Nothing you do or don't do can usurp his valuation of you.
When you start to internalize this truth, you will also begin to gain compassion for the imperfect humans around you. They, just like you, are perfectly created students in the classroom of life and their value is not in question either. They, like you, are here in life school to learn to love themselves and other people at a higher level. They, like you, are struggling with fears that get in the way and create bad behavior.
The way you see other people is the way you see yourself
If you harbor any hate or negative feelings toward any other person, it is a sign to you that you lack love for yourself. If you want to learn to love yourself more, you must stop attacking others and seeing them as worse or less than. The way you love yourself is often a reflection of the way you see other people and vice versa.
The Course in Miracles says, "When you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter. As you see him you will see yourself. As you treat him you will treat yourself. As you think of him you will think of yourself. Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself or lose yourself."
Choose love toward the people who bother you most
This doesn't mean you have to hang out with abusive, hurtful or negative people and spend time with them. You can have healthy boundaries and stand up for yourself, but you can do this from a place of strength, wisdom and love. You can choose to see everyone that God has created as a perfect part of your perfect classroom journey. You can see them as infinitely valuable human souls, even if you don't want to spend time with them.
You could choose to believe that nothing exists in your life that wasn't created to educate and grow you. You could choose to see the people in your life as perfect teachers, whose behavior is always serving you, even when they are driving you crazy. These teachers push your buttons and offend you to give you a chance to practice standing firm in your value, knowing you cannot be diminished, trusting you are here to learn and grow, and choosing love toward yourself and others even when it's hard. This is actually the purpose of everything you experience.
Bad behavior is often a request for love
You might approach family gatherings this year as a chance to work on loving yourself and others more fully. You will do this because you want to increase your love and compassion for yourself. In order to love yourself more, you must stretch the limits of your love and choose to see the humans around you as divinely created, struggling, infinitely valuable students in the classroom of life — just like you.
Choose to see their unloving behavior as a reflection of their lack of love for themselves. They are most likely projecting their lack of love for themselves onto you, though they can't see this. They are probably in fear that they aren't good enough or safe. These fears encourage them to attack others in order to see others as beneath them, get defensive, or show off because they believe they must do these things to be safe. But none of these behaviors is about you.
It helps me to believe that humans are only capable of two things: being loving and requesting love. This means all bad behavior is a request for love. Bad behavior is a sign they aren't OK. People who create family drama and conflict are never the ones with solid self-esteem, inner strength and wisdom. They are the ones who are blinded by fear and need love most, even though they are often the hardest to love.
Use family gatherings as love practice
This year, you might choose someone who you struggle to love and focus on seeing them more accurately. See their divinely bestowed and permanent value (which is the same as yours) and look for the fear that is preventing them from being loving. Are they scared, insecure or hurting? Allow them to be where they are in their unique classroom journey. Choose to see them as doing the best they can with what they know. They just can't see what they can't see. Try to tune into God's love for them and see if you can feel it.
If you must, limit your interactions with these difficult people to protect yourself; that's OK. You can practice loving them from afar, maybe from across the room or from the safety of your own home. Just practice choosing a mindset of love and accuracy toward them and it will still improve your self-esteem and make your holiday more positive and thankful.
You can do this.
This was first published on KSL.com
In this edition of LIFEadvice, Coach Kim shares ways to bridge the differences of opinion and handle conversations about vaccination.
What if you are a person who has mostly conservative viewpoints and is opposed to vaccination while your partner has liberal viewpoints and promotes vaccination, and these different views are clashing and causing conflict? Everywhere I go lately, this debate comes up and there are strong feelings on both sides. Any advice on this, especially when it hits close to home?
Many people are experiencing conflict in their homes and workplaces due to differing opinions about COVID-19 vaccines. One friend has refused to communicate with her mother or see her at all due to her mom's refusal to get vaccinated. Another has had employees walk away from their jobs to avoid vaccine mandates, and this debate is only heating up.
In this article, I'd like to give you a couple of things to think about regardless of which side you're on.
Labels like 'crazy anti-vaxxers' or 'sheep' are not helpful
While there are people who refuse vaccines, experts say many of the unvaccinated are just vaccine-hesitant and may still change their minds. Get away from labeling people and understand that medical decisions are scary and many people are just trying to make up their minds. The truth is, many of the people getting the vaccine are doing it with hesitation, too. They are also nervous about their decision. It happens on both sides.
It will not help your relationships or the world if you see other groups of people as bad, wrong, less than or evil. We are all human beings with the same value, the same fears and the same love. We are just expressing it all differently. We are all trying to make the best choices we can with what we know and understand.
It's best to stay the course of compassion, allowing tolerance and acceptance toward all people who are different from you.
We have more in common than you think
The reason many people have chosen to get the vaccine is that they are afraid of getting sick and having long-term problems or even dying from the virus. The funny thing is that most people who are choosing not to get the vaccine have the exact same reasons. Many are also afraid of long-term medical problems and they believe they are protecting themselves and others by taking a stand against the vaccine.
We are all fear-motivated and trying to make the choice we feel is safest. We just disagree about what that course is. When you tune into this truth, you can have more compassion for the other side.
Confusion makes people freeze
There is so much information coming at us from both sides it is not surprising many people are stuck. A very common reaction to confusion is to not make a choice at all. Many people are just refusing to make a decision until they can figure out what they believe and what would be best for them. We should see these people as the undecided.
Conspiracy theories make some people feel safe in the world
I heard an interesting interview recently featuring Karen Douglas, a professor of social psychology who appears on the "Speaking on Psychology" podcast. Douglas said there are three reasons some people are drawn to conspiracy theories.
Arguing doesn't change anyone's mind
Fighting, debating or arguing only makes people dig into their current position even deeper. They tend to get defensive and become less open to change. You will never win — or help anyone — by fighting with them.
Don't push, just listen
The best thing you can do if a friend or family member brings up the subject is more listening than talking. Here are a few tips on how to do that:
Honor all human beings
Never make anyone feel dumb, misinformed or ignorant. Never act like you are better or smarter; always honor and respect them. They have the same value and the same right to their own journey that you have. The world needs us to honor and respect each other. Hate is responsible for all the war, racism, discrimination, crime and conflict on the planet. The world does not need us to use vaccination as another way to vilify another group of our fellow human beings. It needs us to come together.
Understand both sides value freedom
In the United States, freedom is a principle we all value. The downside to freedom is it always allows people to disagree with you, but this is a consequence that is worth the cost. Freedom is worth protecting even if it means protecting the people with whom you disagree. If you can't honor their views, then focus on honoring their freedom — it also guarantees yours.
No information source is truly unbiased
Unfortunately, this is the reality of our world. All the news outlets, social media and everyone spreading information around the world operate with some sort of bias. COVID-19 has actually become more about political lines than about health, and it is being used to divide us. People on both sides of the issue are being influenced, not just "the other guys." Keep this in mind and remember that we are all in the same boat, just paddling on the opposite side, and the truth is usually somewhere in the middle.
The bottom line is: We are all in this together, scared about the future and worried about what will happen next. Let's try to remember we stand as one in these thoughts and feelings.
We can do this.
This was first published on KSL.com
Do you know you have a system you use to determine the value of human beings?
You do. However, you might not realize it because it might be largely subconscious.
This system is determining who you like, who you don't like, who you judge, and how you feel about yourself. It plays into how you react to situations, when you get bothered or offended, your resilience level, and even your personality.
If you are unaware of your system and therefore haven't consciously chosen it, then it's likely you have subconsciously accepted the system that the world teaches.
The world's value system
The world teaches us that human value must be earned through our appearance, performance, property, opinions and what others think of us. It says that value is changeable and goes up and down daily, based on these five factors. It also says that some humans have more value than other humans. This system for determining human value creates discrimination, racism, hate, wars and all the conflicts in the world.
This system is also a no-win, hopeless, vicious cycle of judgment, guilt and shame that makes all of us feel inadequate at times. If you believe human value must be earned and can change, you will almost always suffer from low self-worth.
Now, here is the good news: You can choose a better system any time you want, but will take repetition and effort to integrate it and replace the old system you have believed in your whole life. Becoming aware of the system you currently use to determine human value is the first step.
Here are the most common things you use to earn or determine human value. We all use all of them, but we usually focus on one or two. See if you can see which things play a part in how you value yourself and other people.
1. You might value appearance most and use it to determine human value.
This means you are trying to earn value by looking good all the time. You care a great deal about your clothes, your house, your body and how you are seen by others. You might stress when you don't look good enough and judge others if they don't look good. You might see people who don't care about their appearance as less valuable.
You might ask questions like, "Do I look OK in this?" and stress about what to wear too much. You might even believe you have to look perfect or you have no value at all. Because you can always find people who look better than you, you will feel like you aren't good enough a lot of the time.
2. You might use performance, tasks and getting things done most to determine human value.
This means you value hard work, productivity, responsibility, achievement and doing good work most. You stress about doing a good job, getting things done, and impressing people with your achievements. You might see your income as the scorecard and need to be appreciated for what you do a little too much.
You are probably overly focused on your work — at home or in a job — and you might judge people who don't value this. You might see people who don't perform as less than you.
You are also your own worst critic and judge your own performance harshly. You might even believe you have to be perfect or you have no value at all. This will leave you feeling like you aren't good enough a lot of the time.
3. You might use your property to determine the value of human beings.
You might think the one who dies with the most toys wins. You might compete with the Joneses and believe your value lies in your house, cars, boats, clothes, watches, shoes or other things. You might feel like a failure if you haven't been able to own these kinds of things.
You might find that shopping makes you feel better or safer in the world. You might be overly focused on your home or collecting things. You might think that people who live in big houses are better than those who live in apartments. Because you can always find people who have more than you, it will leave you feeling not good enough a lot of the time.
4. You might use the opinions of other people, your popularity or approval from others to determine the value of human beings.
You might stress and fear what others think of you, count your social media likes or attention, and need validation from others to feel good about yourself. You might stress and struggle with decisions because of your fear of judgment. You might lose yourself trying to be what you think others expect of you. This can start to dominate your focus and can even become an approval addiction.
The problem is that you will always have some people who don't like you, so this will leave you feeling not good enough a lot of the time.
5. You might use opinions, ideas, education and intelligence to determine the value of human beings.
This means you will overly focus on what's inside a person's head as what determines value. You might look down on people who are uneducated, unintelligent, careless, don't have strong values, or those who disagree with you on any issue. You will believe your views are the right ones and anyone else is just wrong and therefore less. You might be overly opinionated and quick to share those opinions. You will also see education as a scorecard toward a person's value. Your ideas and opinions can become your solid ground and what gives you great value.
People who rely on these things to determine value, often feel they are good enough at first. But, they often see other people as less than them and this will damage their relationships, which in the end, still leaves them feeling not good enough.
A better system
Can you see which areas you use most? Can you see the ways you are trying to earn value yourself and why you judge and look down on certain people?
This information tells you a great deal about yourself and why you behave the way you do. But notice, there is one thing they all have in common: None of them work.
In the end, they all leave you feeling not good enough. This is because they all see human value as changeable. If you choose a system that sees human value as changeable, you will always see some humans as having more value than others, you will always find people who seem to be above you, and you will always see yourself as not enough at times. You cannot win if you see human value as something we must earn.
Many years ago, I discovered an amazing system that will totally change your self-worth and your life. It is simply the belief that all human beings have the same intrinsic value that cannot change no matter what they do, how they look, what they own, or how they think. All human beings have the same value because we are all one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable, divine souls and creations of God. These facts never change, and therefore neither does our value.
Believing this makes you bulletproof and gives you a real solid ground to walk on. It means that nothing you do, nothing anyone else thinks or says or does, and no life situation can change your value or diminish you. You will always have the same value as everyone else, which means you are safe.
The catch is in order to claim this system for yourself, you also have to give it to everyone else. You must give up all judgment of others, and allow everyone to be on their unique classroom journey, learning different lessons, but with the same value as you. The more you give this infinite value to others, the more you will believe it and accept it for yourself. The more you forgive others and stop judging, gossiping, or criticizing them, the better your self-worth will be.
Seeing people this way is the greatest gift you can give your child, but, you can't give something you don't have.
If you are struggling to make this change, seek out a professional counselor or coach to help you in changing your subconscious beliefs. Then, ask your children to help you integrate this truth. Every time you make a mistake, ask them to remind you that the mistake didn't change your value. Make this part of the language in your home. When they win or lose a game, remind them it didn't change their value at all.
When you see people on the street who have more or less than you, talk about how that doesn't affect or change their value. The more you talk about it in your home, the better. It will be a lifelong effort to shift this mindset because your old-world belief is so deeply ingrained, but it will get easier and easier as your practice.
You can do this — and it will change everything.
FOR MORE FREE
Coaching is less expensive than you think - If you need help we can find you a coach you can afford.
Kimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio.