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Coach Kim: How to appreciate people you don't even like

10/4/2021

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This was first published on KSL.com 

Think of some people in your life that you struggle to get along with, judge, dislike, or who have behaviors that push your buttons or drive you crazy.

These are very important people in your life because they show you things about yourself and your values. They show you parts of yourself that you struggle to love, and they can be amazing teachers if you decide to see them that way.

These people typically bother or annoy you for one of three reasons.
  1. They make you feel inadequate and threaten your sense of being good enough.
  2. They make you feel mistreated or taken from on some level.
  3. They don't value what you value, and this bothers you.
It would serve you to know your core value system because it helps you understand why certain people bother you. I believe there are four value systems that humans have. We all value all of them to some degree, but we are dominant in one. See if you can tell which value system is your dominant one.

The 4 basic value systems

Intrinsic value system (focus on people)

If this is your dominant value system you highly value relationships, people, personal growth, connection, communication and spirituality. You would rather spend your time connecting and talking with people than anything else. You value the things in the other three categories, but you might undervalue getting tasks done, time efficiency, strict rules, systems, order and structure.

You tend to be bothered by people who are arrogant, selfish, don't listen, get angry, are narcissistic, oblivious, discourteous, unfriendly or are cold or rude to other people. You don't understand people who don't put connecting with people first.

Extrinsic value system (focus on tasks)

If this is your dominant value system you highly value tasks, getting things done, time efficiency, hard work, creation, creativity, discipline, organization and accomplishing goals. You would rather spend your time getting work done or accomplishing goals than anything else.

You also value the things in the other categories, but you might tend to undervalue strict rules, systems, communication, connection and listening to people. You value the people in your life most, but you don't always show it because you are so busy getting tasks done.

You tend to be bothered by people who give unsolicited advice, are bossy, arrogant, critical or controlling, and rule followers, as well as people who don't pay attention, seem entitled, lazy, messy, or consistently late, unorganized or irresponsible. You don't understand people who talk for hours don't get tasks finished.

Extrinsic value system (focus on things)

If this is your dominant value system you highly value material things, quality, beauty, creativity, art, building things, competition, success and being the best at what you do. You would rather spend your time earning and buying things, being creative or productive, or building things.

You also value the things in the other categories, but you might tend to undervalue communication, connection and listening to others, organization, rules, systems and learning things that aren't useful.

You tend to be irritated by or judge people who don't care about appearances, seem lazy or messy, are competitive, don't value success, don't work hard, or are irresponsible or inconsiderate.

Systemic value system (focus on ideas)

If this is your dominant value system you highly value organization, knowledge, learning, systems, rules, processes, principles, values and doing the right things the right way. You have strong moral values and love sharing ideas, teaching and learning. You would rather spend your time learning, creating systems, teaching processes, doing good work, caring for family and doing the right thing.

You also value the things in the other categories, but you might tend to undervalue listening, empathy, acceptance, connection, appearances, material things and creativity. You tend to be irritated by or judge people who act like know-it-alls, have to be right, are overly opinionated, don't listen, interrupt, are oblivious or discourteous, don't pay attention or are careless, lazy, irresponsible or inconsiderate. People who do wrong or who disagree with your moral principles also really bother you.

Importance of the value systems

Understanding what you value and undervalue helps you understand why you are bothered by certain people. You may not realize it, but you subconsciously believe that the way you are (and what you value) is the right way and everyone should be like you. But the world needs people who are different from you; it needs people with different strengths to make everything run.

We need people who place listening to others above getting things done. We also need people who put getting things done first. We need rule followers and we need rule breakers to push limits. There is a place for everyone.

People who are different from you can also provide amazing lessons. They show you the things you need to work on and change because you always judge people who have the same bad behaviors you have but don't like about yourself. These people serve as mirrors for you and they can help you to both forgive yourself and make needed changes.

People you don't like also give you the opportunity to stretch the limits of your love, which helps you learn to love yourself. Your ability to love others with their faults and flaws is tied to your ability to love yourself in spite of your faults and flaws. As you learn to accept and appreciate them, your ability to love yourself improves.

The 4 A's

Below is a 4-step process — The 4 A's — which help you practice accepting both yourself and the people who bother you.

Awareness

Notice the bad behaviors in yourself and the bad behavior in others that bothers you. What is it really about? Is it tied to your value system? Can you understand why this behavior pushes your buttons? Does this person threaten your sense of safety? You can't work on changing this until you gain awareness around what it is. Write down a list of the people and behaviors that bother you and commit to working on shifting your mindset around them.

Allowing

Practice honoring and respecting each person's right to be the way they are. They are on their unique, perfect classroom journey, which is very different from yours. We have different value systems, life experiences and personality traits, but we all have the same intrinsic value as every other person on the planet. We all have things we need to change and work on, but we have a right to be where we are in our unique process of growth. Allow every person to be where and who they are, and have tolerance, compassion and respect for them.

Acceptance

This is about accepting these people for their differences, variety, interest, adventure and lessons they provide you. You can embrace the experience of having these interesting (yet challenging) people in your life. You can accept them as perfect teachers in your classroom and even embrace them. As you practice this and truly send love and compassion their way, you will find your capacity to love the darkest parts of yourself will increase. The more you accept others, the more you will accept yourself.

Appreciation

Everyone has something to teach you and is making a contribution to your journey. Maybe it lies in causing your problems that you then get the opportunity to work through and solve. Maybe it lies in pushing your buttons so you get to work on patience, flexibility and compassion. Whatever it is, each person is serving you in some way. Work towards feeling grateful and even appreciating them for the role they play in your classroom. You must also work on appreciating your own faults and flaws for the beautiful lessons they provide: They keep you humble, make you less judgmental and give you opportunities to grow.

This doesn't mean you have to be friends, hang out or have relationships with the people who bother you. It just means that you practice seeing them as the lesson they are and appreciating them from afar so you can have more positive feelings than negative ones.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: How to stop being offended all the time

8/9/2021

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This was first published on KSL.COM

Question:

My spouse and I read your article last week about understanding the fear behind our behavior, and it's really helping us see what's going on when we fight. But we both are prone to getting offended way too easily. People often disregard us or are disrespectful, and we both tend to be bothered and frustrated with a lot of people. This also means we are mad at each other a lot, too. I think maybe we need to learn how to let things go and not take things personally, but do you have any advice for doing that?


Answer:

I have actually written on this topic a few times recently, but there are some things I haven't shared that also might help. People who get offended too easily are usually having some fear and insecurity issues. They tend to think they are not good enough or not safe, so they are looking for signs of this to protect themselves.

Here are some common qualities of people who get offended too easily:
  • He gets insulted by things people say that feel like a put-down or criticism, even though most other people wouldn't have taken it that way.
  • She often feels disregarded when people make decisions without thinking about her.
  • Other people say they walk on eggshells around him.
  • She finds there are many people she dislikes.
  • He frequently tells other people they did something wrong or should have done something differently.
  • She is slightly controlling or picky and likes things the way she thinks is right.
  • He often feels slighted, disrespected or taken from.
  • She highly values fairness and gets offended when things don't feel fair.
  • He has experienced a lot of loss in his life — losing loved ones or having difficult, traumatic or heartbreaking situations like childhood abuse.
  • She is an opinionated person who is bothered when things are wrong.
If you relate to many of these, you are probably offended too easily and you might be fear-of-loss dominant, too. We all experience fear of loss and fear of failure on a daily basis, but we have one that is our dominant fear. People who are fear-of-loss dominant have a deep belief — usually from childhood — that they aren't safe. They subconsciously feel they must control things, be defensive, have strong opinions, and stay on watch for mistreatment in order to make themselves safe.

If this sounds like you, here are some things you can do to stop getting offended so often.

Trust the journey

Choose to see life as a classroom, and that the universe and you together are co-creating the perfect classroom journey for you every day.

This means the people who offend you today are perfect teachers, giving you a chance to grow, be more mature, or see your fears and work on them. When you trust your experiences are the perfect classroom for you, you aren't as offended by them. (Note: I am not talking about abuse here, just garden-variety slights that aren't degrading or abusive.)

You have probably married your perfect teacher, too. He or she will teach you by pushing all your buttons to bring your triggers to the surface so you can heal them. Trusting that your life is a classroom also makes you feel safer; it means life and the universe are on your side and their intention is to always serve you.

Trust your value

Choose to see all humans — including yourself — as having the same infinite value that isn't in question and doesn't change. This means we are all students in need of more education. When you see people this way, you can release the need for judgment and give them all permission to be a work in progress just like you.

Allow others to be different

Allow other people to react, behave, think and be wired differently than you are. They were raised differently and they haven't had your life experiences. Therefore, they have the right to function differently, too.

Give others the room to be the way they are without letting it take anything from you. You both have the same value no matter what, and you have the right to be where you are. Stop expecting everyone to think and act like you.

Learn something from this

If someone criticized you, could it be constructive and could you learn something from it? Life is a classroom and that is why you are here. What could you gain from this criticism if you chose not to take offense?

Flip the insult to see if it's still true

If someone has "disrespected you," write that on a piece of paper. Then write "I disrespect me" and ask yourself if it's still true.

If it is true, consider that your own disrespect of yourself might make you feel others are disrespecting you when they really aren't. Is there any chance the way you see yourself has been projected onto this other person? You do this more than you might think. If you don't like yourself, you will also project that and believe others don't like you either.

Double-check their intent

Ask yourself: Did this other person really intend to do me harm, insult or disregard me? Or is there any other meaning their actions could have? Usually, the other person was focused on their own issues and missed what they did or said completely.

If they didn't intend harm, is harm done that can't be let go? We hold onto intentional hurt because we believe it protects us, but unintentional hurt is best let go. Also, give the benefit of the doubt that that other person didn't mean to offend.

Let go of the need to be right

Sometimes it's OK to let another person think they are right even when they aren't. If it improves the relationship, why correct them? Choose your battles and try to allow others to do things their way as much as you can.

Practice forgiveness

Forgiving is not pardoning bad behavior; it is changing the way you see the bad behavior so you can change the way you feel about it. It's about letting negative emotions and feelings go and trading them for peace and happiness. When you see an offense as a perfect classroom and the person as having the same value as you, and you choose to see growth and learning in it, it becomes much easier to forgive.

If this is hard for you, start a forgiveness practice journal and work on it daily. Choose an offense or a mistake you have made every day and process it to forgiveness. Choose the positive feelings you want to experience around this and practice choosing them.

Consider your options and possible outcomes

What is the outcome you will create if you choose to be offended or hurt by this? What kind of behavior will you exhibit in response? What will that create? Is this what you want?

What are some other options? What would you choose if you knew you were safe and good enough? What would a love-driven response look like? What would that create?

If you are still having trouble being offended often, consider working with a coach or counselor who can help you establish your own sense of safety in the world so you can feel more bulletproof. A professional who knows how to do this can help immensely.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: Why forgiving others is the secret to better self-esteem

7/26/2021

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This was first published on ksl.com

We all have faults, flaws, bad habits or features we don't like, and these make us feel we have less value than other people. We might put ourselves down, use self-deprecating humor, or often comment about how overweight, stupid or unsuccessful we are.

Many of us learned as children that we might not be good enough, and this belief has stuck with us. Even if we become successful, fit or more attractive, we always battle this same deep subconscious belief that we aren't quite enough. I believe every person on the planet battles this belief to some degree every day, but some people experience negative thoughts about themselves to the extreme and even suffer from self-hate.

After 20-plus years as a master life coach working with people to improve self-worth, I have found three things you can do that will make a significant difference in your ability to love yourself. They are:
  1. Change the system you use to determine the value of all humans
  2. Choose to see life as a classroom, not a test
  3. Commit to a forgiveness practice

Change how you determine human value


Many people have a subconscious belief that human value can change. Think about this. Do you believe if you could look better, perform better, or make more money, your personal value would go up? Do you also believe that if you make mistakes, gain weight, or lose money, your personal value goes down? If so, this is why your self-esteem changes from day to day: you subconsciously believe human value must be earned and therefore can change.

But this is not true.

Many of us subconsciously accepted this belief as a child because the world promotes it. Still, it's not a fact — and it's often what is making us feel like we aren't good enough all the time. If you find yourself in this belief system, the good news is you have the power to change this belief any time you want.

Instead, you can choose a belief that all human beings have the same infinite, absolute, intrinsic value that cannot change. No matter what we do or how we look, we still have the same value as every other human because that's how this system works. Of course, this is also a belief, not a fact — but it's a belief that will improve your life, so I recommend choosing it.

To internalize this belief, you must do two things
  • First, every time you have a negative thought about yourself, you must remind yourself that whatever your issue is it doesn't change your value and you still have the same value as every other human being.
  • Second, you have to give up judging others and allow every other person — even the ones you dislike — to have infinite value and be good enough, too. This doesn't mean you have to hang out with them or trust them, but that you understand their value isn't tied to what they do.
There are still consequences to actions and lessons we all get to learn, but our intrinsic value is never in question and cannot change. All human souls have the same value. The more you work at this, the better your self-esteem will become.

Choose to see life as a classroom

Because of a subconscious belief that human value can change, many of us have also, subconsciously, seen life as a test or place where you can fail. But again, this is just a belief. It's not a fact.

You have the option to choose a new belief here, too. You could choose to believe that life is a classroom. The difference is that in a test your mistakes diminish your value (or your grade). In a classroom, the focus is on learning not earning a good grade. If you choose to view your life as a classroom, you get to see every experience as a learning opportunity that allows you to experience something and learn from it without affecting your value.

You can start doing this today. Choose to trust the universe that it knows what it's doing and that your classroom journey is serving you. The more you trust the universe that it's on your side and conspiring to grow you, the less stress you'll experience and safer you will feel. This will greatly impact your feelings of self-worth and take failure off the table.
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Commit to a forgiveness practice

Make a few lists

The trick to using forgiveness to increase your self-worth lies in forgiving three different groups of people.
  • First, make a list of the things that have happened in your life that make you angry at God or the universe. You will need to forgive God and life for these disappointments.
  • Second, make a list of your own mistakes, flaws, faults and features you don't like. You will need to process all of these and forgive yourself for them.
  • Third, make a list of all the people who have hurt or offended you, but add to it the names of every person you criticize, judge, or dislike for any reason.
This group of people who you criticize and judge are the most important because they can show you the system you use to determine the value of human beings.

They show you there are faults or dark parts that you believe make people unworthy; and as long as you see other people's faults as making them unworthy, you will also see your own faults as making you unworthy.

The way you judge others is always tied to the way you judge yourself. You must shift your mindset, which is what forgiveness really is – a change of perspective that eliminates pain and hurt — if you want to love yourself more. You must work on loving and forgiving others, seeing their life as a classroom and their value as infinite. The more you do this, the more you accept these truths for yourself, too.

Process your lists

Take some time every day to process through one of the people, faults or experiences on your lists. You can process them by writing about their darkness and why you have felt justified to dislike this person or this part of yourself. Then, write about your other options and how you could choose to see and feel about them. Write about how it would feel if you chose to see their value as unchanging and infinite, and your life and theirs as a perfect classroom. How could you choose to see them or yourself with love and compassion?

Again, this doesn't mean you are going to hang out with or trust this person, it just means you are going to change your feelings to eliminate pain, hate, guilt, shame or anger. Instead, you'll choose to live in trust, love, compassion, peace, and acceptance.

The more you choose compassion and give infinite value to others, the more compassionate you will become toward yourself. Take all the time you need and just keep working on one person, fault or experience each day. Turn them over to God and allow him to handle the justice. Remember, nothing exists God or the universe did not create for the purpose of our growth.

I believe that forgiveness makes a bigger, faster difference in a person's self-esteem than any other practice. But, it might take some time and consistent effort. There are also books, journals, resources, coaches and counselors that can help you in this process. Just make it your goal to become more compassionate, forgiving, and trusting toward yourself and others. Try to avoid judgment, criticism and speaking ill of them. This will pay off in a greater capacity to love and accept yourself.

You can do this.

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Coach Kim: Do you have regrets in your past? Here's how to let them go

7/5/2021

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This was first published on ksl.com

Our regrets can haunt our present and cause us to miss opportunities to show up today. We also fear that bad decisions mean we weren't good enough, and we grieve the lost opportunities down the roads we didn't take.

But, we can't change the past. Worrying and stressing over past mistakes just robs today of its potential joy.

It is interesting to note that a recent study published in the journal of Personality and Social Psychology showed that people experience more regret over the things they didn't do than the things they did. Is that true for you? Do you regret the chances, trips and opportunities you didn't take or try?

Either way, every second you spend agonizing over the past, you are missing opportunities to be present, connect with people around you, or do things that matter now. If you spend time in regret on a regular basis, here are some suggestions for ways to let go of the past.

Make sure you have experienced the grief and pain
When you lose opportunities or make mistakes it is natural to feel some regret and grieve for the loss. You must allow yourself to feel these emotions and sit with them. They are part of the human experience, and it is healthy to allow yourself some time to feel disappointed, but you don't want to live there.

You might give yourself a limited time — like one week or one hour — to fully feel the pain and regret and then be done with it. Decide that it doesn't serve you in any way to live there, so you are going to chose to be present and make good choices today.

Stop asking 'what if' questions

You cannot change the past, so spending time imagining how things could have been if you had made different choices doesn't serve you at all. Instead, ask yourself "What will happen if I keep regretting this decision for the rest of my life? What is regret giving me? What is regret going to create in my life? What would life look like if I let regret go?"

Forgive yourself

The best way to forgive yourself for past mistakes is to choose the belief that human value is unchangeable, infinite and equal: all humans have the same value. This means your mistakes were interesting lessons that taught you things, but they don't mean anything about who you are and they don't change your value.

If you choose to see your past choices as the perfect classroom for you and believe they served you in some way, it is easier to forgive yourself. Everyone makes some mistakes and you are not worse or less than because of yours. They are nothing but lesson experiences.

Try journaling

Spend some time writing out all your regrets and disappointments. Make a list of all the times life didn't go well for you, you lost or were mistreated. Then make a list of all the things that went your way. Write all your wins, good-luck experiences, and positive turns of events. Make sure you write down all your blessings and the positives in your life. Understand that the nature of this journey is that life is filled with both good and bad experiences and they all are meant to teach you things.

See life as a perfect classroom

Whichever road you took, it taught you things your soul needed to learn. That's how the universe works. You never miss the perfect classroom experiences for you because the universe knows what it is doing.

The amazing Eckhart Tolle said, "Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness." If you believe this and trust the universe, you will see that it is always conspiring to teach and grow you. Even the losses can be lessons and blessings.

See mistakes as locations on your journey

What is a mistake anyway? Is there such a thing? Maybe all your choices were the perfect classroom choices for you and not mistakes at all. You could choose to see mistakes as locations on your journey, not a reflection of who you are.

I went through a series of bad relationships. Those were life experiences that taught me many things, but they didn't change my value and they didn't define who I am. They were just things I experienced. I have traveled through divorce, being a single parent, experiencing financial troubles, etc. These experiences were interesting parts of my journey, but they aren't about my value.

Do a regret exercise

Make a list of the choices you regret. Then write down 10 positive things that each of those choices has brought into your life. This is an exercise Viktor Frankl, author of "Man's Search for Meaning," recommended to his patients. If you can see the positive impact those wrong choices had on your life, you will feel differently about them. Seeing the lesson will lessen the sting.

Often those choices taught you important things about the kind of person you don't want to be. They made you less judgmental of others. They helped you become who you are today. Thank yourself for making those choices and choosing those beautiful lessons. You were right on track in your perfect classroom journey (or you can choose to see it that way if you want to).

Forgive other people for their mistakes

The way you feel about your own mistakes and the way you judge or criticize others for their mistakes are intricately tied together.

If you are quick to judge others and see their faults as making them unworthy, you will likely also see your own flaws as making you unworthy, too. If you decide to give everyone the infinite, unchanging value I mentioned earlier, you will find that you feel your unchanging value, too.

You love yourself the same way you love others, so a powerful way to feel better about yourself is to forgive others and let them be worthy despite their mistakes, faults or flaws. Make this a daily practice. The more you see them as worthy and love them where they are, the more you will also love yourself.
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Life is School

Understand that your life isn't a test where you have to perform well and earn your value. It isn't a contest that compares your performance with others; it is a school where you are here to learn and experience things that will help you become smarter, stronger and more loving.

Stop comparing yourself with others. They are in a different class. You are the only one in your class.

The classroom of life requires you to experience wins and losses. It wants you to get to experience regret, guilt, shame and pain so you can fully understand the human experience. But these experiences don't determine who you are or they don't change your value, and they definitely don't define you. Let the past go. It is over and gone. Be present today and show up with trust and love. Keep your focus on the good you can do in the world today.

You can do this.

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Coach Kim: Forgiving when you've been deeply hurt

5/3/2021

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This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

I read your forgiveness article last week and had a question. I am a survivor of parental alienation due to a narcissistic ex-spouse. The pain, loss and despair is so acute that it's challenging to "forgive" this person, who intentionally manipulates the kids to hate me. How do you forgive someone who has hurt you and your children so badly and continues to? Do I really need to forgive them?

Answer:

No, you don't have to forgive people who have badly hurt you, and you definitely shouldn't trust them again or be in a relationship with them.

Having said that, at some point you might decide you want to forgive them because it is taking precious energy to hold onto anger and angst, and it's creating a less than positive energy to live your life in.

But, forgiveness is definitely more complicated and a longer process in serious situations like yours.

I read a comment recently from Shannon Thomas, a licensed clinical social worker who is an expert in psychological abuse. Thomas explained that if you try to release someone who has deeply hurt you from accountability for their actions, it could be harmful or even derail your healing process.

In an article for Thrive Global, Thomas said, "When the topic of forgiveness arises, many emotions are triggered for survivors of abuse. ... The traditional definition of forgiveness involves telling the abuser he or she is released from the responsibility for the damage they have caused. This action is absolutely not helpful within an abusive environment. Toxic people must hold responsibility for their actions."

The bottom line is the people who hurt you will always be responsible for the pain and hurt they caused, and it's never going to be OK. They can be forgiven, though, if you define forgiveness thus: the process of letting go of the hurt, pain, hate and anger that holds you captive around an offense and causes you further suffering.

The bottom line is the people who hurt you will always be responsible for the pain and hurt they caused, and it's never going to be OK. They can be forgiven, though, if you define forgiveness thus: the process of letting go of the hurt, pain, hate and anger that holds you captive around an offense and causes you further suffering.

Forgiveness is not about pardoning the guilty; it is not about saying it's OK that they hurt you. Forgiveness is about choosing not to live in an energy of hate and angst toward this person anymore because it diminishes the quality of your life.

Forgiveness is a process of changing your perspective (thoughts and feelings) about a person or situation so you don't allow it to bring any negative energy or dark feelings into your life anymore. But in a really hurtful situation, it is a process that could take some time. You might need time to feel and experience your very justified feelings of hate, grief and loss — that is perfectly OK and even necessary.

There are also some benefits in staying angry that you might not be ready to let go. Eventually, you will reach a point where you don't want the dark feelings around this in your life anymore. That's when you will know you are ready to shift your perspective and move toward forgiveness.

The jail cell analogy

In difficult situations, I believe the trick for forgiving lies in first forgiving God, the universe, and life for bringing this situation into your journey and not sparing you from it. It is logical to have anger and resentment toward God and life in general for a really difficult situation. But, if you can forgive God and your life for allowing this to happen, you will feel less pain and anger.

You may reach a point where you can give the whole situation over to God and the universe and let them carry it from here. Work toward trusting a higher power to handle the justice, guilt and punishments, because it knows everything and loves everyone involved. It will likely take a while and some practice before you are ready, and that's OK too.

There is a powerful visualization exercise you could try, where you imagine a jail and placing the person who hurt you into a cell and locking them up for a long sentence. Take some time to determine the sentence you believe they deserve. Pronounce them guilty as charged and picture them locked into the cell. It should feel good because they deserve to spend time in jail for what they did.

Then, imagine yourself realizing that in order to keep them in jail, you have to stay there in the jail, too, as the warden. That is how this prison works. If you want them to serve time in jail, you have to stay too. You are not locked in a cell, but you are not allowed to leave because it is your condemnation that must keep them there.

Do you really want to spend days, months or years in that prison making sure this person is punished? Or would you like to eventually let go of the need to condemn this person, hand the keys over to God, and walk away? That is your other option. Decide if you are willing to give up your happiness in order to see this person punished, or if you would rather hand the keys to God and the universe and trust them to handle the justice.
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Forgiveness is for you

If you choose forgiveness, you don't have to spend any more time thinking about how guilty the person is anymore. You are now free. You can choose to trust that this entire situation is serving your growth at some level, and you are becoming better for it. You can choose to set aside all the hate, anger, and pain and walk away clean, choosing to have a life full of acceptance, joy, peace and positivity instead.

Colleen Sheehy Orme, a relationship columnist said, "Is there an irony in forgiving the narcissist? Absolutely. Because the narcissist isn't capable of it (forgiveness) themselves. It's their anger that exposes them. It's what enrages them ... They are incapable of letting go of anything they perceive as causing them pain."

You deserve to live differently and in a better way. We cannot allow ourselves to fall into the same exact trap of not letting go of what is causing us pain, and letting that pain take from the quality of our lives. We must decide — at some point when we are ready — to let it go.

I am not saying it is easy, but I am saying that you deserve the peace that comes from letting your anger, angst, pain and hate go. Let the person be who and what they are. Let the things they did, be what they did. But take control of the effects those actions have on your life long term. That is in your control.

You decide whether you dwell in feelings of anger today. You decide if feelings of hate overwhelm you today. Decide to live each day in the warmth and light of love, forgiveness, acceptance, trust and peace, despite these hard things that have happened.

This will be a choice you make moment by moment, again and again, but you can do it.
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Coach Kim: How and why you can forgive that person

4/12/2021

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This was first published on ksl.com

​SALT LAKE CITY — I recently heard someone say some people and some wrongs do not deserve forgiveness because they are so bad. If the people who committed these wrongs won't be responsible for them, admit they were wrong and apologize, then you should hang onto your anger toward them, as it will protect you from further mistreatment.

I wanted to address this because I believe forgiveness is one of the most important lessons we learn in life. I believe your happiness and your self-esteem largely depend on your ability to forgive — but I also realize it's sometimes hard to do.

If you are struggling with anger, resentment or pain around an offense, there are some things you can do to process the experience in a productive way and get to a place of forgiveness sooner. But, this is a high-level process that may require some stretching of your current beliefs.

It's also important to keep in mind that forgiveness doesn't mean you need to trust the other person, let them mistreat you further, or have them in your life again. It may be wisest to forgive them from afar.

Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, so you can have more peace; it is not really about the other person. Here is a procedure for working toward forgiveness when it's hard:

1. Start journaling

Write about the pain, resentment, and anger you currently feel toward this person. Describe the reasons this person deserves condemnation and to be judged as guilty. Describe the treatment you think they deserve from you. At this point, allow your ego to vent and be true to its most hateful or upset feelings.

2. Claim your power to choose how you will think and feel

You get to choose all your thoughts and beliefs about your life, human value, this person and the situation. You have the power to create any experience around it that you want to have. You may need to process through many different emotions until you are ready for the forgiveness process. You are entitled to feel angry, hurt, betrayed and upset for as long as you need to. What emotions have you chosen to experience so far? What emotions would you like to have around this long term? Write them down.

3. Dive deeper into your feelings and predictions

Write about what you get — what the benefits are — in staying angry and not forgiving this person. Write about what you are afraid might happen if you forgive them. What fears and concerns make it feel safer to stay angry? Write what you are afraid will happen if you stay angry. What is the cost in your own life, of carrying this resentment, anger and judgment forward?

4. Understand forgiveness vs. trust

Forgiveness is not about forgoing justice or pardoning a guilty person for what they did. If you try to do it that way it will never work. The dictionary says to forgive means: "to cease feeling resentment against (an offender)." Forgiveness is about changing your perspective and feelings so you suffer less pain. Write about why this is true for you.

Identify the difference between trusting this person again and forgiving them. You can forgive them and still not keep them in your life, but it is important to make that decision from a place of love for yourself, not a place of hate or anger toward them. Write down what those two options look and feel like so you are clear on the difference. Write about the boundaries you might set out of love for yourself.

5. 'You get what you give'

This is one of my universal laws, a concept that means if you give judgment, condemnation and hate, and label others as guilty and unworthy because of their mistakes, you will also feel judged, condemned, hated, guilty and unworthy yourself. If you struggle to forgive others, you will likely also struggle to forgive yourself. The way you judge others is inseparably tied to how you feel about yourself. If you want to fully love and accept yourself despite your mistakes, you must work on allowing the flawed people around you to have the same intrinsic value as everyone else despite their mistakes (again, this doesn't mean you will trust them or have them in your life). The more you work on developing love and compassion toward these difficult people and see their value as the same as yours, the easier it will be to love yourself

6. Believe in the classroom of life

This means to trust the universe is always working in your favor to educate you and help you grow. You can choose to believe no person has the power to ruin your journey or derail the life you should have had and that you can learn something valuable from this experience. At some level, this offense can serve you if you choose to use it that way. Take the time to write down 10 positives that this offense experience has created in your life. How has it made you stronger, wiser or more loving?

Another way to allow the experience to serve you is to play with the belief that everything you experience in your life can teach you to love yourself and others at a deeper level. Play with the idea that you are just experiencing the perfect classroom journey for you to grow in wisdom, strength and love. If you choose to see this offense as your perfect classroom journey, how does that change your feelings about the offending person?

7. Choose to see your value as infinite and unchangeable

Your value is infinite and absolute, and nothing you or anyone else does can change it. You will always have the same value as every other human being. When you believe this, it is easier to take a hurtful experience and choose not to be deeply hurt by it. How would that change the way you feel about the offense?

Again, this is a high-level forgiveness process. Considering the severity of the mistreatment you have experienced, it might take a while before you are ready for it. I find this process serves people best after they have allowed themselves to be angry and grieve for a while. If you feel resistant to the steps, it might not be the right time for you, and that's OK too. Be compassionate to yourself and you will work this through it right on time and in the way you need.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: What is your fighting style?

6/29/2020

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First published on KSL.COM

SALT LAKE CITY — In this edition of LIFEadvice, Coach Kim shares the different ways we argue, forgive and apologize — and how to honor each other's needs.

According to Gary Chapman, the author of "The Five Love Languages," each of us have a specific way we give and receive love. Likewise, we have a way we apologize and forgive best.

In my book, “The People Guidebook: For Great Relationships,” I explain how your unique values and fears make you different from other people and drive your behavior. In putting these different ideas together, I discovered there are four different ways we argue, forgive and apologize in communication with other people.

Read the “fighting styles” below to figure out the style that works best for you so you can see the pros and cons of it. You may also want to figure out the fighting style of your spouse, another family member or friend, as this will help you to resolve conflict and have difficult conversations in a way that works for both of you.

The 4 fighting styles

1. Long communicators with connection needed

These people are long talkers and always have lots to say, so they can argue or converse about a problem for a long time. This is fine, unless they are fighting with someone who is a short communicator (who can get easily overwhelmed or worn out by long talkers).

Long talkers often have a tendency toward a victim mentality and sometimes struggle to accept any blame or responsibility for a problem. They usually see themselves as the injured party. These people can get mean and ugly if pushed in an argument (which can be scary for less passionate and/or quieter people).

These people usually have lots of friends and highly value their connections. They often cannot resolve something and move on until they feel a close, caring connection has been restored. It’s easier for them to accept an apology after the person has taken responsibility for the slight or asked for forgiveness, or they have received validation about their feelings and feel cared for and reconnected again

2. Long communicators with restitution needed

These people are long talkers who need a person to restore their loss before they can let things go. They are very good communicators who can keep arguing for a long time. They are so good with words that they can twist the other person’s words around and use them against that other person.

These people tend to be very opinionated and stubborn. They have very black-and-white, right-and-wrong thinking styles, with no room for gray area. They are also very logical and practical (meaning not very emotional and sensitive) in how they see things. They can struggle to understand another person’s feelings if those feelings don’t make sense to them.

These people struggle to accept an apology until the other person has taken responsibility for the slight, asked for forgiveness, and has made some kind of restitution or major change in their behavior. If they feel taken from.

3. Short communicators with validation needed

These people cannot do long, drawn-out arguments, so don’t subject them to hours and hours of conversation. If you talk too much, they will start to shut down and will often say anything they have to just to make the conversation stop. If it doesn’t stop, they will pull back or leave. Don’t take this personally. It doesn’t mean they aren’t willing to work through the issue; it just means they can’t do it in one sitting.

These people don’t like mean, ugly, personal attacks or fighting that is loud and scary. These are quieter people who would rather avoid conflict. Angry criticism makes these people feel very unsafe. They need lots of positive validation before and after anything negative is mentioned.

The secret to engaging with these people is laying the ground rules before you engage. Tell them three things: how long this conversation will last (i.e. “30 minutes and no more, I promise”), how painful this is going to be (i.e. “I promise this is not an attack and you will get to give me feedback here too”), and what you are going to ask for in the end (i.e. “In the end, I am only going to ask you to change one little thing”). If you set up rules of engagement and stick to them, short communicators are more likely to stick with you and work things out.

These people cannot accept an apology until the other person has taken responsibility for the slight, asked for forgiveness, and has given them some positive validation about how good they are. If they feel like a failure at the end, they will struggle to forgive you.

4. Short communicators with restitution needed

These people cannot do long, drawn-out fights or arguments because they don’t have the patience for them. They are more likely to tell you off and then leave. Don’t take this personally. It doesn’t mean they aren’t willing to work through the issue; it just means they can’t do it in one sitting.

These people can get mean, ugly, loud and scary, but they won’t stay in that emotional state for a long time. They will explode and then cool down. This behavior can scare quieter people who would rather avoid conflict. Sometimes it will work best if you will let them explode and be mean, and then let them cool down before returning to the issue.

The secret to engaging with these people is to establish rules of engagement. Tell them the same three things from above: how long this conversation will last, how annoying or emotional this conversation is going to be (try to stay logical and practical), and what you are going to ask for in the end (let them know it won’t be asking for much).

These people cannot accept an apology until the other person has taken responsibility for the slight, asked for forgiveness, and has made some kind of restitution or major change in their behavior. If they feel taken from, apologies won’t matter until the loss has been restored or they see you have really been acting differently.

This information might be a game-changer in your relationship, because arguments and difficult conversations are only productive when both parties feel respected, heard, understood, and honored for their right to be them. You want to practice the Platinum Rule to treat people the way they want and need to be treated (not the way you want to be treated).

Don’t assume that the way you show up and handle yourself is the right way. It’s just a different way. Everyone has the right to be wired the way they are wired. Respect that and honor their differences and you can easily resolve most problems.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: How you get past feeling defensive

6/29/2020

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first published on KSl.COM

Question:

My marriage is struggling, and over and over one of us gets defensive and we give each other the cold shoulder for days. It is so hard to get back to love and feeling good when we feel offended, insulted or mistreated so often. Once those walls go up it’s so hard to get past them. What can we do to stop this cycle and end the constant offending and fighting?

​Answer:


First of all, I need to clarify that the answer in this article is for the person asking the question above, and in their relationship there is no abuse happening. The fighting is garden variety offenses and grouchy behavior where they trigger each other and get bothered on a regular basis. Obviously, if your partner is abusive, the mistreatment needs to be addressed and stopped immediately, and I encourage you to reach out for professional help.

If you and your partner get defensive all the time and often feel like the other person is the enemy, this article is for you.

People tend to get defensive when they feel mistreated, insulted, criticized, taken from or unvalued by the other person. These experiences make a person feel unsafe and threatened; in this state, a person tends to believe he or she has to defend or protect themself from the threat. But a sense of safety with one’s partner often has more to do with what he or she believes about themself than it does with how their partner treats them.

If you get defensive easily and often, you may feel unsafe in the world generally. You might have started feeling unsafe long before your partner showed up in your life. It might also be helpful to check for the following behaviors, which are signs of living in a subconscious fear state all the time, which means you might have a tendency to get defensive faster than the average person:
  • Is your subconscious immediate reaction to many situations one of distrust and assuming the worst?
  • Are you always on the lookout for signs of exclusion, insults or slights?
  • Do you fear you might not be good enough a lot?
  • Do you generally feel unsafe in the world and see the universe as against you (this might show up in fear of being robbed, hurt, taken from or disrespected)?
  • Are you a glass-half-empty person who sees what’s wrong before you see what’s right?
If you experience even a few of the above tendencies, it’s likely you wear what I call "mistreatment glasses," which means you tend to see personal attack in situations even when it isn’t there. If so, you might need to own that you have some subconscious fear programming.

If you function in a fear state — always looking for slights — you cannot make your partner solely responsible for you feeling defensive. You can still bring up and discuss slights, but you should first run through the process below to make sure you are seeing the situation accurately. You should also seek out some coaching or counseling to work on your fear-based programming.

The 10-step process

When you feel slighted, insulted and/or defensive, follow these steps:

1. Own that you are feeling defensive, which means you don’t feel safe. Remember that your sense of safety with your partner may have more to do with what you believe about yourself and your life than you think. This means you must acknowledge that no one can make you feel unsafe without your participation at some level. Just be willing to own that your fears of failure and loss could be in play.

2. Ask the other person if they feel unsafe and defensive, too. Acknowledge that you understand that feeling and feel the same way. Acknowledge that this will be harder to resolve while you are both unbalanced and fear-triggered.

3. Agree that you are both safer than your feelings and your subconscious programming may believe. You both love each other and you both want this relationship to work.

4. Decide to be two people against the problem, not two people against each other. Agree to approach the problem by listening to how and why your partner feels the way they do. Commit to being willing to listen and really understand instead of trying to win.

5. Recognize your own fear trigger. Have you been fear of failure triggered — where you feel insulted or attacked by something, making you afraid you aren’t good enough? Or have you been fear of loss triggered — where you feel mistreated and/or taken from, ming you afraid you aren’t safe? Which are you struggling with right now? Knowing this will help you get balanced again.
  • If you are fear of failure triggered in this moment: Remind yourself that your value cannot change no matter what happens or what anyone thinks or says. You always have the same exact value as every other person on the planet. Knowing this makes you bulletproof and less defensive.
  • If you are fear of loss triggered in this moment: Remind yourself that nothing exists God did not create, and the entire universe is conspiring to bring you situations that will grow you. This offense is today's perfect classroom and it is here as a blessing to make you stronger, wiser or more loving. Trust the universe you are actually safe in this moment.
  • If you aren’t sure which fear is driving you: Try both solutions and choose to trust in this moment that your value can’t change and this situation is a growth opportunity and the perfect classroom for both of you.
6. Recognize your partner's fear trigger by asking questions. Does he or she feel insulted or attacked? Mistreated or taken from? Give them some validation and reassurance to quiet their fear.

7. Now you are ready to talk about the issue that started the defensiveness. Be willing to ask questions about what happened and how your partner feels Listen for the purpose of understanding them. Keep asking questions and listening (without sharing your thoughts) until you can tell they feel really heard and validated.

8. Ask if your partner would be willing to listen to you and give you time to explain your thoughts and feelings without interrupting you. If he or she agrees, then go to step 9. If he or she doesn’t agree, tell them you respect that and maybe the two of you can continue the conversation later when they feel more able to show up for you.

9. Carefully share your thoughts and feelings. Avoid "you" statements because they can feel like an attack. Use "I" statements and talk only about your perspective, your feelings, your triggers and your observations. Also, make sure you’re focusing solely on future behavior and don’t waste time talking about the past, which your partner cannot fix or change. Ask if, moving forward, they would be willing to do this or that differently.

10. Repeat. At this point, your partner might have more to say. Go back through steps 7-9 again. Keep doing this until you can reach an agreement or compromise.

Remember, your spouse isn’t ever a jerk, selfish, mean, or careless; he or she is more likely scared, and it is their fears that drive jerky, selfish, mean or careless behavior. We behave badly when we are worried about protecting ourselves. Reminding yourself that you are safe, is critical to the process of working through a fight maturely.

These 10 steps show you how to have a mutually validating conversation without letting fear triggers make you both defensive. This may take some practice to master, but you will be amazed at the clarity it gives you both, when you recognize the fears and why you are feeling defensive.

If you have felt defensive and unsafe with your partner for a long time, you may need some professional help to work through forgiveness and making some big changes in behavior. I recommend getting professional help sooner than later. Someone who knows how to help relationships heal can make the process much faster.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: How to forgive but enforce strict boundaries

6/29/2020

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First published on KSL.COM

Question:In your article on forgiveness, you mentioned that there are some situations in which we should forgive but definitely not let the person back into our lives. What does that look like to have boundaries? How do you handle that if the difficult person is a family member or a person you are forced to see regularly, like an ex-spouse or co-worker? Why do I have to forgive if they aren’t sorry and aren’t going to change?

Answer:You asked a few different questions, so let me answer them one at a time.
Why do I have to forgive even when the person isn’t sorry and won’t change?

I could give you the usual answer — that you forgive so you feel better — but the truth is that your ego feels pretty good about staying mad. Instead, I encourage you to change what forgiveness is for you. Forgiving in the traditional sense meant you had to pardon someone for their mistake, because staying angry or hurt causes you more stress and unhappiness than it does the other person. So, you tried to do this for yourself, even though the person didn’t deserve it. This kind of forgiveness is hard and it’s the reason most of us struggle.

However, if you completely change your idea of what forgiveness means and, instead of pardoning people, make it all about changing your perspective about the incident and life in general, you can totally change how you feel about the situation. This can be done easily, even when someone doesn’t deserve it or isn’t sorry.

The most interesting perspective shift to try is to decide to see life as a classroom and this person and their mistake as being something that will ultimately serve you and make you stronger, wiser or more loving. This means that the hurt they caused can be used to bless and serve you in the long term. If you see the difficult person as a teacher in your classroom and their behavior as something that is serving your growth in some way, you might find you don’t even need to forgive. You can just let it go.

How do you handle forgiving if the difficult person is a family member or a person you are forced to see regularly, like an ex-spouse or co-worker?

Forgiving and changing your perspective does not mean you have to associate with or have that person in your life. You can and should limit contact with people who are a negative influence, a drain on your energy, or makes your life harder or more miserable. But you can still have forgiveness and even compassion for them and how miserable it must be to live that way.

You can love them from afar. This means you don’t harbor hate that would keep you in a miserable state. You can release all that negativity and choose to trust God and the universe that you are OK and let this person go in peace, while also choosing to stay away from them.

You must give yourself permission to make your needs important. Taking care of yourself and making sure you are balanced and happy is actually your No. 1 job, and that isn’t selfish. Your job is to make sure your needs are met and your bucket is full so that you have something to even give other people. This will often mean limiting the contact you have with people who make you miserable and drain your bucket.

Ultimately, it would be great if you could get to a place where you could be around this person (when necessary) and not be negatively affected by them, but that doesn’t come easy. In the meantime, you should stay away from them and protect yourself from further abuse or mistreatment.

What does that look like to have boundaries?

If you cannot limit contact and are forced to associate with the difficult person, then you need to define and enforce some boundaries. Here are some questions to ask yourself that might help you figure out what boundaries are needed to make this relationship work:
  1. What are some things I have allowed this person to do or say that upset me in the past?
  2. What do I wish I didn’t have to do, but I haven’t felt comfortable saying “no” to?
  3. What do I need to give myself permission to do in order to protect myself?
Maybe you have allowed a co-worker to waste your time or interrupt your work. Maybe you have allowed an ex-spouse to yell at you by phone or send nasty messages. Maybe you allow your mother-in-law to make you feel guilty for missing family gatherings. Make a long list of behaviors you have allowed in the past that are not working for you.

It is important to make some new rules and write them down. Just deciding in your mind is not nearly as powerful as putting them on paper is. When you write the new rules on paper, there is a different commitment level that happens in following them. Remember though, boundaries are rules you enforce on yourself to save yourself from your own weakness. Write down which behaviors you are no longer going to allow and how you will enforce it.
  • You might write that co-workers are no longer allowed to distract or bother you while working, and you will make a sign for your cubicle that says: “I am focusing on work right now and cannot visit until later.” If they try to interrupt, kindly tell them you would be happy to chat later but have to focus right now.
  • You might write that your ex-spouse is not allowed to yell at you by phone and you will simply hang up and/or not answer until they can be respectful. Hateful messages will be deleted without being read or listened to.
  • You could write that you will no longer feel guilty for missing family gatherings that didn’t work with your schedule or life. Your mother-in-law can say whatever she wants, but you will no longer allow it to affect you.
That last one is a good example of a boundary you enforce with yourself. You cannot make your mother-in-law stop saying things or acting rudely, but you have complete control over how you react and feel about it.

The most important part of having boundaries and enforcing them is not letting other people’s reactions to your boundaries bother you. Chances are, they won’t like your new rules and they will make you feel guilty for having them. That is not your problem and, on some level, it isn’t even your business. You are in charge of your own behavior, thoughts and feelings; you are in charge of being the best, strongest, most loving version of yourself you can be. Focus all your energy on that and let other people deal with their own feelings or issues themselves.

Giving yourself permission to have boundaries is the hardest part, especially if you have been a lifelong people pleaser. This may take some time to give yourself permission to make your needs important without feeling selfish.

If you are dealing with a really toxic, difficult person, you might want a coach or counselor to help you process the emotions and learn to be easier on yourself. Be patient with yourself and just keep working on it.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: How changing your mindset can make it easier to forgive

6/24/2020

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This was first published on ksl.com
​
Question:
I am struggling with my brother who did something really inconsiderate, and I can’t seem to let it go. I know that it’s probably causing me more pain than it’s causing him, but I just can’t forgive him yet. My whole family is bugging me to forgive him, but it’s not that easy. Any suggestions to make this easier?
Answer:

There is a reason most of us struggle with forgiveness: There are very real benefits to staying mad or hurt. Here are some possible reasons you might not want to forgive someone:
  • Does casting the other person as the bad guy make you feel safer and better than them? Are you fighting fear of failure, which makes you afraid you aren’t good enough? Sometimes the human ego compensates for a perceived weakness by casting others as worse.
  • Does it earn you any sympathy or validation from others when you talk about how you were hurt? Do you find yourself trying to get others to agree with you about how bad the other person is? Does that make your ego feel safer?
  • Does being hurt excuse some of your own bad behavior toward that person? Does it justify you treating them badly, and are you enjoying that on any level?
  • Does it give you an excuse to be depressed or disengage from life or relationships? Is there something you are avoiding that might happen if you let this slight against you go?
  • Do you feel casting the other person as “the bad one” protects you? Are you afraid that if you stop casting him as the bad one, people may forget his guilt and think you were bad?
  • Do you feel like letting this go would be saying what the other person did was OK or that you are pardoning them from guilt?
After going through the above questions, can you see why you might be holding onto the offense in your situation?

Choose a mindset

Forgiveness may feel near impossible right now, but changing your perspective and looking at the issue a different way might make you feel completely different. In this situation, you have two perspective options and you must choose one of them. If you don’t consciously choose a mindset, your subconscious mind will choose for you — and it is usually going to let your ego drive.

Option 1: A judgment and condemnation mindset.

With a judgment and condemnation mindset, you believe life is a test and we (human beings) must earn a sense of value. Here, any mistakes you make count against your value, which means some people inevitably end up seeming better than other people. With this mindset, you see human value as changeable and based on our behavior, appearance, property, etc. In this place, there is judgment, criticism, attack, gossip, guilt and a constant fear that you aren’t good enough. This fear-driven mindset makes you focus on the bad in others and cast them as worse than you so you can feel like the better person. This mindset creates anxiety, insecurity, and fear of failure. If you choose this mindset, you will always struggle to forgive others because you must condemn them to feel safe and good about yourself.

Option 2: A trust and forgiveness mindset

With a trust and forgiveness mindset, you believe life is a classroom where humans are meant to learn and grow. In this classroom you can erase any mistakes and try again, and no mistake affects your value. With this mindset, everyone has the exact same intrinsic worth, and that worth cannot change no matter what bad choices we make. Bad choices just sign us up for some interesting lessons and create educational consequences you then get to work through — but, you always have the same value as everyone else.

With a trust and forgiveness mindset, insults and mistreatment happen to make us stronger, wiser and more loving, and you can believe there is purpose and blessings that come from them. Here, you can see the positives that each negative experience creates, and you are grateful for the strength and wisdom you gain from them. With this mindset, you don’t need to condemn others to feel safe because you believe you are safe all the time. With this mindset, you understand your value is infinite and absolute, and so is everyone else’s.

Forgiveness is easier here because you trust that you can’t be diminished, or have your journey ruined, because it is always the perfect classroom for you. When you trust the universe that it knows what it’s doing, it is easier to let offenses go and forgive.

The question you must ask yourself is: How do you want to live?

Choosing a trust and forgiveness mindset means you don’t hold onto offenses or mistakes. You let yourself and everyone else be a work in progress or a student in the classroom of life with much more to learn. You give forgiveness to others because you want to feel good enough yourself.

More tips to help you forgive

Here are a couple of other tips to make forgiveness easier:
  1. Remember that none of us is perfect. This person did something wrong — and it sounds like this was an especially painful wrong — but you aren’t perfect either. You may not have made this mistake, but you have made others. If you want to feel forgiven for your past wrongs, you must give others the same forgiveness.
  2. Now that the offense is over, you alone are responsible for the pain you are experiencing. No situation can cause you pain without your participation. If you struggle to understand this principle, read my article about choosing to be upset. You are in control of your thoughts and feelings. You don’t have to wait until you feel ready to forgive. You can choose to be ready now.
  3. The other person is guilty of bad behavior, but you both have the same infinite and absolute value. This belief comes when you choose to see life as a classroom, not a test. It means your mistakes can’t and don’t change your intrinsic value, but the same is also true for other people.
  4. Forgiveness is the key to happiness in life, and it creates peace, confidence and security. The key to forgiveness lies in one very simple choice that you must make over and over every day: Which mindset do you want to live in?
Choose to forgive yourself and others for every misconceived, stupid, selfish, fear-based mistake either of you has ever made. Choose to see these mistakes for what they really are: lessons born from confusion, self-doubt, lack of knowledge, low self-esteem and fear. Choose to see every person as innocent and forgivable, and let them (and yourself) start over with a clean slate every day.

If you choose this mindset, you will feel safe, loved, whole and good about yourself, and life will be more peaceful and happy.

You can do this.
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    Kimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC.  She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio.

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