This was first published on ksl.com

​Question:

I liked your last article about conflict, but I wondered if you could give me more specific instructions for having really touchy conversations. I have a difficult conversation coming up and I am afraid of it turning into a confrontation. Can you help?

Answer:

Lots of people think they need improved communication skills, but the real reason we struggle to communicate about "touchy" subjects is that our fears get triggered. If we start to feel unsafe in a conversation, we might get defensive and protective of ourselves and our views. This might happen when you feel insulted, dishonored or criticized (fear-of-failure triggers). This may also happen when you feel mistreated or like you might lose something (fear-of-loss triggers). These fear-related emotions have the power to turn a conversation into an argument.

Fear is all about ourselves and our needs. When we are triggered, we tend to show up selfish in the conversation and when you show up this way, it can make connection difficult.

To avoid this, here are some simple steps you can follow before and during the conversation.

1. Make a decision about what you want to happen at the end of the conversation

Do you just want to placate the other person and avoid conflict, but without real understanding? Or do you want to connect, understand and learn about the heart and mind of the other person? Would you like to increase mutual respect and compassion, even if you don’t agree?

Make sure your intention is not to win an argument or control the other person because they can feel this kind of agenda and it may create defensiveness. If you're hoping to have some influence over the person, remember you have more influence when there is a connection versus when you try to control. Clarify your goal and make sure it is love motivated and honors what they want too.

2. Remember your intrinsic value is not in question

It is the same as every other person’s, no matter how this conversation goes. You cannot be diminished or made less than anyone else. Remembering this will make it less likely that your fear of failure will get triggered.

3. See the other person as having the same intrinsic value as you

Choose to honor their right to be different and think differently than you. They have the right to see the world the way they see it. Don't talk down to them and don't allow yourself to be intimidated by them. You are equals — even if they are younger or older than you.

4. Clarify what kind of relationship you want to have with this person

What kind of connection, influence, respect or understanding do you want in the relationship? How do you want them to feel about you at the end of the conversation?

5. Clarify what the topic is and what it isn’t

Ask the other person if they would be open to discussing that specific topic. If they aren't, honor that. Decide together what the limits of that conversation should be.

6. Address the underlying what and why for each person

What is this conversation really about and why is this topic important to both of you? What about this conversation frightens you or the other person?

You might think about this before the conversation starts or you might discuss these concerns with the other person. Asking them what they would like to see happen in this conversation is a great way to start. If you start with the end in mind, you may increase the likelihood that it will go that way.

7. Take a minute and figure out what is relevant and what should be off limits

Consider setting some ground rules that would make the other person feel safer to have the conversation. Maybe bringing up past offenses should be off limits. What is considered "below the belt" in the conversation? What is acceptable and unacceptable? Let them know they can call you out, too, if you break these rules.

8. Set aside your agenda, thoughts and feelings, and focus on the other person first

Ask questions about what they think and how they feel and then listen. Ask clarifying questions if you need to and make sure you don't get triggered. If the conversation gets difficult, keep reminding yourself that you have the same value and that this is your perfect life classroom.

This important step is where you can show the other person that you value them by spending time listening and trying to understanding them. This helps validates their worth as a person and can make them feel safer with you. And the safer they feel, the more productive the conversation will be.

9. Ask permission to share your ideas

Once the other person feels validated and heard, ask for permission to now share your thoughts and feelings. If you have something you really need to share, asking permission might sound like, “Would you be willing to let me explain my beliefs, fears, or concerns with you?” or, “Are you in a place where you can hear my beliefs and still know that I honor and respect yours?” You might ask for no interruptions for a specific amount of time. You might also remind them of your intention and ask them to keep that in mind as you share. When you ask permission before sharing, you show the other person that you respect them. This, again, can make them feel safer with you. If both parties feel safe, conversations go much better.

10. Honor their answer

If they respond negatively and do not give you permission to talk, you should honor this and say “I respect that, no problem." This is important if you want to build a relationship of trust and could help this person be more open in the future.

If they respond positively and give you permission to talk, there are a couple of tricks to making sure you share without offending.

First, use “I” statements over “you” statements. This means you should speak about what you think, feel, see, believe and want instead of criticizing them. When you start with “You are…” or “ You do this…”, those comments may come off as an attack and trigger defensiveness. Instead, try "I feel..." or “I believe this…”

Second, focus on future behavior instead of past behavior because when you focus on the past, it can create frustration since it cannot be changed. You do, however, have some control over future behavior, so asking for different behavior next time is much more palatable.

If they have more to say, go back to step No. 7 and work forward from there again. Repeat this until you can thank them for taking the time to help you understand their thoughts and feelings. You may or may not reach an agreement or resolution, but if the goal was connection and understanding, my hope is that you accomplished that.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the author of three books, including Choosing Clarity: The path to fearlessness available on amazon.com She is a sought after people skills trainer and speaker, and a master executive coach www.claritypointcoaching.com

This was first published on ksl.com

Most of the questions readers submit to me are about resolving conflict with other humans. The trick to resolving conflict lies in taking the problem apart, understanding the triggers each person experiences and the bad behavior those triggers might create. This process is what I call an emotional autopsy because it allows you to understand the motivation and emotions underneath the surface that may cause the problem. This also gives you the power to calm the emotions and deal with the actual problem.

Think about the last fight or argument you had with someone and follow my process by asking yourself the questions below. See if you can identify the underlying cause of the conflict and how to resolve it in the future.

1. What event or situation started this conflict or problem?

Can you follow it back to the original issue that may have triggered a negative emotion and made each party behave badly? This issue could stem from something that has been happening for a long time, or something they've experienced their whole life. We're going to call the person who was triggered by something that created the conflict Person A. We'll call the other party Person B.

2. What negative emotion showed up in Person A because of the triggering event?

Did they feel insulted, rejected, unwanted, unimportant, unappreciated, not good enough, controlled, pushed, defensive, protective, or mistreated? Do they have a story about how the situation has made them feel the emotions they've experienced in the past? What is that story?

3. How did Person A behave because of this emotion?

What kind of behavior or language showed up as a result? Did Person A pull back from Person B, try to control them or have walls up to protect themself? Did they get defensive, say something insulting or do something equally triggering to Person B? What does that behavior look like?

4. What negative emotions were triggered in Person B as a result of Person A’s behavior?

How exactly did Person B feel mistreated? Did Person B feel unappreciated, taken from, unwanted or rejected? It's important to identify these emotions and what might be triggering them. If they're ignored for too long, they may continue to cause conflict in Person B in other situations.

5. What kind of bad behavior showed up when Person B reacted to their emotions?

What did Person B’s unbalanced behavior or language look like? Did they try to understand Person A, or did they react just as badly?

6. How might have Person B further triggered Person A?

What emotion might have showed up in Person A now as a result of Person B’s reaction? What might Person A and Person B be feeling at this point? Being clear on this will help you step back and see how the emotions might be driving the conflict more than the original issue.

7. What does each person need in this situation?

What could you give the other person that might help quiet the emotion that is causing the conflict? For example, if you know and understand that no one can diminish your value, you may feel less threatened by conflict and can create a safer space for those around you. Then, you may be able to better work through problems by giving the other person involved in the conflict what they need to feel safe and help them want to resolve the issue at hand.

8. Go back to the original emotions that showed up in steps No. 2 and No. 4. Are these emotions that Person A and Person B experience often?

Is it an emotion they've experienced throughout their life and in many different situations? Sometimes, people and situations can trigger certain emotions in people, but they're not the real cause. The real cause may be something that happened in that person's past and certain situations might stir up emotions and reactions in them.

9. What does someone who may carry these emotions around need?

Remember, bad behavior may be a request for love, validation or reassurance. You might not want to validate or love a person who is behaving badly, but if you can see that it isn’t really about you, conflict resolution can get easier. You can't fix another person and you aren't responsible for their behavior, but if you can quiet the negative emotions in them during conflict, then you can more easily deal with the problem at hand. You may also need to enforce boundaries to protect yourself from certain people, and that's OK, too.

If you choose to see life as a classroom, it means every conflict or emotion is part of your classroom journey and is meant to serve you. Knowing this might make some people problems less difficult and increase your capacity to resolve conflict with others. The more you practice this process, the easier it may become to see conflict accurately and resolve people problems more maturely.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is a sought after master life coach who is provides coaching and help to anyone struggling with people problems or relationship conflicts. She also trains and certifies life coaches in her system with new classes starting soon.

This was first published on KSL.COM

Question:

My husband has a tendency to use sarcasm and teasing with our young children. Our daughter is not, in my opinion, thriving with the teasing and sarcasm because she takes what he says literally. If her dad says, “Clean up your toys, or I will throw them all away," then our daughter drops to the floor in tears and upset. She gets upset because she doesn’t know the difference between sarcasm and reality, and it causes her a lot distress. When this happens I come to her defense and get bothered with my husband’s behavior and we end up fighting about it. Do you agree this behavior is a problem? How can I explain to my husband why he needs to change how he talks to her? I worry about his relationship with our kids and I appreciate any advice.

Answer:

The dictionary defines sarcasm as “the use of irony to mock or convey contempt; a sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark." Obviously, this isn’t positive.

Sarcastic comments — though oftentimes humorous — can also be passive-aggressive, mean, cutting and often uncomfortable to the people receiving them. Sarcasm can be the “wit that wounds” and children can’t see the humor in it or understand it until they're older.

In an article for Psychology Today, Signe Whitson writes, “Sarcasm relies on a type of subtlety that most children under the age of 8 do not pick up on. While the majority of adult communication occurs non-verbally through gestures, body languages and tone of voice, children are much more apt to interpret words literally and to miss or disregard non-verbal cues.”

Whitson says sarcasm, when used repeatedly, is a form of verbal abuse.

“It is a passive aggressive behavior in which the speaker expresses covert hostilities in sugarcoated, 'humorous' ways,” she said.

Many kids don’t have the maturity or confidence to handle sarcasm or teasing well. It is critical that we think about a child’s comprehension level and their emotional needs before we use sarcasm or tease them. You may have to communicate differently with each of your children and mindfully choose words that validate, educate and encourage them.

Think about each child in your home and ask yourself the following questions:

1. Does this child suffer from insecurity, fear of not pleasing, fear of not belonging or being good enough? Do they need additional validation about their worth, talents and character to make them feel safe?
2. Does this child feel the need to protect themselves and their things? Do they get upset if they feel taken from or mistreated? Are they afraid of losing things or having their things broken? Do they need to feel in control of their belongings and their choices to feel safe in the world? Do they need the autonomy to have more control or to feel safe?
3. Does this child have the maturity to understand sarcasm, teasing and jokes? You will know by their reactions to these things. If it makes them feel confused, upset, insulted or mistreated, then they are not going to thrive with this sort of communication.
4. What are you trying to accomplish with your communication? You have purposes to accomplish like getting your children to brush their teeth, go to bed, clean up toys, etc. But what else might your child need on the emotional level? Do they need reassurance that they are safe in the world, validation of their worth, education to better understand people or added encouragement in their abilities? Every interaction is an opportunity to give each child what they need.
5. What kind of relationship do you want to have with this child? Do you want them to feel safe with you, confide in you, come to you with problems, or do you just want control? Teasing and making fun of kids (even if the goal is to toughen them up) may create a relationship where the child doesn’t feel safe with you. If you lose connection with your child, then you may eventually lose influence. It is always better to focus on connection rather than trying to control. Connection gives you long term influence in their lives because they trust and respect you.
6. Do you care about how they feel? Or are you more interested in entertaining yourself or others with communication that you find funny?

Sarcastic people might think teasing is a form of tough love and that people (even kids) should be able to handle it. They may think saying “just kidding” after a sarcastic remark makes it OK, even if it was hurtful. They might even see themselves as funny people, even if they're the only ones laughing. They might miss the way their sarcasm cuts people on the receiving end.

You can be funny all you want, but if you do it at the expense of other people, they may not feel safe with you and may end up not liking you. This would be unfortunate with your kids.

My best advice is to slow down and pause before saying anything. Think about why you want to say what you are about to say. Is it love-motivated? Does it really need to be said? Does it meet this specific child’s needs? Take the time to figure out what each of your children need from you and decide how you should change the way you communicate to accomplish this.

If you are living with a sarcastic person, here are a couple of suggestions for dealing with them:

1. Build a rock-solid self-esteem. Remember that no comment can diminish your value. You have the ability to let all hurtful comments bounce off of you if you choose to be bulletproof.
2. Ignore their comments. This means denying them any attention for their comments. Pretend you didn’t even hear it and go about your business with peace, love and confidence. When they quit getting a reaction from you, it won’t be as fun to tease you.
3. Treat every sarcastic remark as literal. Not seeing the humor may take the fun out of it and without humor their comments might just look mean. Ask them if their comment was meant to make you feel small.
4. Talk about it. Have a mutually validating conversation about your relationship. This involves first seeing them as the same as you (not as a bad person) and then asking a lot of questions about how they feel about sarcasm. Ask if they care about the quality of the relationship? What kind of relationship do they want to have? Are they open to hearing how their sarcastic comments make you feel? Would they be willing to cut the sarcasm in favor of a better relationship moving forward?

Changing the way you talk to your children will take some thought and conscious effort, but it is the heart of your relationships with them, so it's worth the effort.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the president and founder of www.claritypointcoaching.com and you can take her free Clarity Assessment on her website. It is the first step to understanding human behavior and becoming your best self.

This was first published on KSL.Com
​
Question:

I enjoy reading your articles on KSL, thank you for your insights on life, they are very helpful. I've had a situation that I'm wondering if you might have some advice on. Last night my in-laws came over, without warning, and said they wanted to talk to us about something. They then expressed concern that our son wasn't getting enough attention and that I needed to spend more time with my son.

We're still very confused and pretty hurt about this criticism. We feel like they overstepped their bounds. They are on business trips every other week and we don’t even see them much anymore. So, I'm not sure how they can think that we don't give our son enough attention. Additionally, I am working full-time and in graduate school, doing the very best I can to spend quality time with my son, so it was especially hard for me to hear them express these feelings. What do you suggest we can do about the situation? How can we heal from the pain this has caused us?

Answer:

I think they may have overstepped too. If they wanted to give you some feedback or advice, they should have asked permission first. That might have been a more respectful approach. They could have asked if you'd be open to some observations or suggestions around your parenting and given you the chance to say "yes" or "no."

Unsolicited advice can sometimes be construed as an insult. So, it's understandable that you were offended to some degree. The problem, however, is that being offended isn’t going to serve you, your son, or your in-laws in any way.

I’d like to suggest another way to process this situation or any situation where you receive hurtful feedback because this can happen to any one of us.

The next time you receive hurtful feedback or criticism from someone, try following these steps:

— See if there is any merit or something you could learn or improve on. Is the feedback warranted and could you do better in any way? You can always look for a lesson in the experience even if you don’t think it’s accurate.

— Consider the other person's agenda in giving you the feedback.

1. Was it their place to give you feedback? Do they have a position of stewardship over you that would give them the right to advise you? Do you feel they're overreaching into your personal business or work? If they are overstepping, understand they might have an agenda that has nothing to do with you specifically.
2. What benefit do they get from giving you feedback or criticism?
3. Is it possible the other party feels superior in offering feedback or criticism? Is it possible they do this to quiet their own fears of not being good enough?
4. In the case mentioned above, does their perceived help for their grandchild mean they are good grandparents? Is it possible they need this validation?
5. Are they prone to unsolicited advice and is this just the way they are? Some people are just wired this way. They're quick to see what may be wrong in any situation and share that liberally. They might not see the problem with this behavior because they're honestly just trying to help.

— Decide what response options to the feedback or criticism you have. (This is also a great exercise in any situation to help you figure out how you want to respond and who you want to be.)

1. You could take it personally, feel offended, hurt and bothered, or even get angry at the other party. You might hold onto this for years.
2. You could take it personally and feel hurt today, then let it go and choose peace, forgiveness and understanding tomorrow. You'd spend one day being upset.
3. You could give yourself one hour to be upset and then choose forgiveness.
4. You could chalk it up to “just the way they are” and let it roll off.
5. You could learn something from this experience and be open to becoming a better parent (or co-worker, friend, person, etc.).
6. See this as a life classroom situation that happened to make you more loving, forgiving, wise and strong. You could see this as the universe giving you the chance to practice knowing your true value, and that it can’t change no matter what others think about you.
7. You could feel self-pity around how hard you believe you work at something, but it’s never enough (to others).

— Then, decide which option would serve you and your family most. How do you want to feel? What kind of relationship do you want to have with your in-laws? What kind of person do you want to be?

— Read some of my past articles on forgiveness and work on seeing them as imperfect, struggling, scared students in the classroom of life — just like you. Remember, they have the same intrinsic value as you no matter what they do or say.

— Understand forgiveness becomes easier when you choose to see every experience as one meant to help you grow. If you begin to see them as perfect learning opportunities, then you may begin to see the people involved as your perfect teachers. Those teachers might push your buttons or bring up your fears and weaknesses to the surface so that you can work on them. This can be a painful process, but it's still here to serve you.

Hopefully, this process will help you see your in-laws as well-intentioned and help you let the part you consider insulting to roll off. I see these insults as poison darts — you can choose to let them hit you and hurt you or you can let them bounce off your force field of love, truth and wisdom. I recommend you let them bounce off and don’t suffer from them anymore.

If your in-laws do this kind of thing often, you might want to ask permission to give them some feedback. If they agree and are open, explain that you consider unsolicited feedback as an insult and you would appreciate them asking permission the next time they have some for you.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is a popular executive life coach and speaker. Check out her articles on forgiveness at https://coachkimgiles.weebly.com/apps/search?q=forgiveness and learn about becoming a life coach at www.claritypointcoaching.com

This was first published on ksl.com

Question:

I was visiting with a good friend the other day and he finally admitted that his life has been really hard lately and he and his family are going through things I had no idea about. We talked about how often people are pretending to be OK and when you ask how they are they say “fine,” but they really aren’t fine at all. How can you get people to tell you the truth about what they are going through instead of always saying “fine”? Is there a good question I could ask people that would get to the truth and open them up?

Answer:

It was author Brad Meltzer who said, “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.” And he is right, especially today, when many people are struggling with depression, anxiety, addiction, eating disorders or health problems. No family is immune from these kinds of serious challenges. You can assume everyone you know has something painful going on that they aren’t telling anyone about.

The reason we keep these challenges to ourselves could be that we fear judgment, criticism and looking bad. Some of us might not want to burden others with our heavy or dirty laundry, and we might not want pity or sympathy either. It just seems wiser and more practical to say we're "good."

If you want another person to open up and confide in you, then you are going to have to create a place that feels safe enough to do that. The other person has to know there will be no judgment and trust that you'll keep what they tell you confidential. They also have to know you won’t try to fix it or give them unsolicited advice, because that may not what they need.

What they might need is validation of their worth despite what they are going through. They may need validation about how tiring and difficult their challenge is and that it makes sense that they're struggling. They also have to know you will listen and not tell them what they should be doing differently.

Before you try to get another human to open up and tell you about their pain, you must be committed to honoring their right to be where they are and letting them know they still have absolute, infinite worth. You have to be prepared to validate without advising, fixing or giving them your take on the issue. In other words, it should stay about them, not about you.

Here's what I'd recommend saying when talking with a friend and have a hunch they aren't fine:

“If I could promise there would be no judgment and only unconditional love and support, would you be open to telling me about the hard stuff you and your family are going through? I promise I will just listen and be here. I’d really love to be that kind of friend to you.”

If they still don’t have anything to say, then that's OK. At least then they know if they ever do want a friend you are there. It sometimes helps if you are willing to open up and talk about some of your personal challenges, especially if you think they might be going through something similar. Your vulnerability and authenticity may encourage them to do the same.

If they do trust you enough to open up, then just listen. Don’t tell your story and how you got through. Don’t agree or disagree with anything they say (that would be making it about you). And don’t give advice or suggestions. One question that might help is, “What is the worst part for you?” When you ask that, you give them permission to go deeper and vocalize the depth of their pain.

If you really feel you can help and have some advice that could make a difference for them, ask for their permission to share it first. You could say something like, “Would you be open to a suggestion or idea around solving this? I don’t want to assume anything or infer that I know better, but if I had one bit of advice would you be open to it, or would it help you more if I just listen and be here?” In other words, give them a safe place to say “no thanks" if they choose.

You can do this. 

Visit www.claritypointcoaching.com to learn more about Coach Kim Giles and take the Clarity Assessment, that helps you see where your fears and values are creating good and bad behavior in your life and relationships.

This was first published on ksl.com

I’ve been traveling internationally recently and have had to communicate with many people who don't speak English. Some have given up trying to communicate the moment they realize we don’t speak the same language, while others refused to let the language barrier stop us from trying to understand each other. They act out certain words or look them up on their phones as we try to connect.

This experience has had me thinking about how often we struggle to communicate with others, even when we do speak the same language. We might struggle to understand someone who we are different from, grow frustrated, and give up.

To help with those communication barriers, I'm offering five unconventional suggestions that could help you better handle conversations and conflict with your spouse, friends, coworkers or relatives — especially when your differences make it hard to understand each other.

1. Make sure you treat the other person as an equal

While traveling, I watched many of my fellow travelers treat bellmen, waiters, and other local people as less than them. We might see this happen all around us, but we often miss the ways we do it to our own spouse, children, family members or co-workers.

When you approach a conversation from an elevated position, the other person can feel it and it may affect the quality of the interaction. The first step to improving your conversations is to check your importance and value scale. Make sure you speak to every person as an equal in value and importance. For instance, if you're mad at someone, keep in mind that you, too, make mistakes. When talking to them, treat them as an equal with the same value, no matter their mistakes or differences.

2. Honor and respect their right to be different

We must honor the fact the other people have had different upbringings, different teachers, different experiences, and a completely different classroom journey in life. It's no wonder they think differently and have different views. You must honor their right to have those views and to have their views respected. You don’t have to agree with them, but you should be willing to hear them — without judgment — if you want to improve your conversations.

When your family members or coworkers, think differently, try asking questions and listening without agreeing or disagreeing because both make the conversation about you and not them. Instead, do try to respect their right to their feelings and opinions and don’t be so quick to share your views. Be a patient listener. This shows people you value them as they are and, in this case, they will be much more open to communicating with you.

3. Stay interested and curious 

When traveling abroad, you can’t help but notice all of the differences. And when you notice those difference, comparison might start to occur. When you start comparing, you are quick to subconsciously see foreign ways as either better or worse than your way. This is human nature, but it leads to judgment and not appreciation, tolerance, or true exploring of the different way.

Instead, approach every difference from a place of curiosity about what you could learn from the other person. Ask more questions and truly listen. Become someone who spends more time listening than talking, and your conversations will become rich and connected. You can still hold to your beliefs and opinions while you also connect in a respectful way with others.

4. Be respectful and courteous

Courtesy is a universal language and you feel it every time someone holds the door open for you, says sorry when they bump into you, or covers their mouth when they sneeze. It is respectful, considerate, polite behavior and should be the hallmark of our interactions with others.

Unfortunately, we are often more courteous to strangers than we are to family and friends. Are you as courteous to the people you live with? Do you make sure you are courteous to strangers? Being courteous creates friendship and connection before a word is even said. When we do this at all times, our conversations are more authentic and caring.

5. Remember: Positivity and humor break down walls

Humor can be the fastest way to connect to someone who speaks another language. Doing something silly might break that ice and connect you faster than anything else. I once signed up for a river rafting excursion in India, not knowing that in their culture, this activity is traditionally only for men. The men on our raft did not seem happy to have two ladies aboard. It was awkward and uncomfortable, at first, because everyone’s walls were up. But that changed the moment we started splashing the men with our paddles and they realized the water fight was on. Fun, humor and positivity make quick friends and start wonderful connections.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles and Nicole Cunningham are the authors of the 12 Shapes Relationship System - get the app today, take the quiz, invite friends and learn about your shape at - app.12shapes.com

SALT LAKE CITY — Relationships and getting along with others is complicated and messy. It’s messy because we are all so different, and our differences create uncomfortable, unsafe and threatened feelings, which can lead to bad relationship behavior, based in fear, not love.

When you are in a fear-based relationship where no one feels safe, this fear creates bad behavior and people problems.

Over the last 15 years, as a master executive life coach, I have found that human behavior can actually be very simple to understand. And when you get it, you can get along with almost anyone (yes, there are some people you may never get along with, but they are rare).

I have found most human behavior is driven by two factors: what you value and what you fear. These two factors are the keys to understanding why you and other people behave the way you do and why you struggle to get along with certain people, especially those who value and fear different things than you do.

My business partner Nicole Cunningham did 8 years of research in Australia and Asia that have led us to believe there are four value systems that drive most human behavior. These four systems of value, along with the two core fears (I talk about in most of my KSL.com articles) divide us into 12 different types of people, which we call the 12 shapes. These four value systems influence the kind of career you go into, the way you dress, the kind of worker you are, who you judge, who you respect and who you struggle to get along with.

​MAKE SURE YOU TAKE THE 12 SHAPES RELATIONSHIP SURVEY AND FIND OUT YOUR SHAPE - AND INVITE FRIENDS AND FAMILY TO DO THE SAME! 
CLICK HERE FOR THE APP

See if you can tell which sounds the most like you. Here they are:

1. People who highly value people, relationships and connection most. (We all value people highly, but these folks value social interaction at a different level than the rest of us.) These people love being with others all the time and they have lots of good friends. They love communicating and networking, and they like people who feel the same way they do. They often judge or dislike people who aren’t as friendly, socially aware or connected as they are. They could see people, who value tasks, things or ideas as broken, bad, unfriendly and even unkind because they don’t make people the first priority.
2. People who highly value tasks, service, cleanliness, order and efficiency most. These people are the doers and they get more done than all the rest. They are hard workers, but they often judge and dislike people who, to them, are lazy, too social and talkative, undisciplined, messy or slow workers. They could see people, who value people, things and ideas as slothful, flighty, materialistic or unproductive.
3. People who highly value things, creation, invention and stuff most. These people are tycoons, artists, inventors, builders or even hoarders and they often judge or reject people who seem lower class, not put together, unattractive or cheap. They could see people whose values are different as inferior and they might see these people as less valuable than them. They struggle to get along with people who value connection or ideas and don’t take care of their things.
4. People who highly value ideas and principles most. These people often judge and dislike people who seem ignorant, have lower moral values, a lack of education or who are wrong in their opinions about an issue (because they don’t see it the way they do.) They could see people who value tasks, things and people as bad, unintelligent, or stupid, and they might see these people as less important.

Which of these four categories do you fit into? Who do you tend to judge and dislike? Can you see a correlation between what you value and who you don’t get along with? You usually struggle to get along with those who don’t value the same things you do. You may even lose respect for people whose values are different and you probably subconsciously see your own value system as the right one.

For example, I am a person, who highly values tasks and I often see other people, who don’t work as hard or as fast as I do, as lazy. I see people who talk too much as time wasters and I struggle to be friends with people who are too opinionated. I also don’t care much about my appearance and I can judge people who spend a lot of time and energy on theirs.

Can you see why you might not get along with people who value different things?

Think of some people in your life, who you do not get along with. See if you can figure out what that person values most. Is their value system different from yours? Does it threaten what you value? Does their value system mean they might see yours as wrong?

When you don’t get along with someone, it is generally because you don’t feel safe with them. The way they think or behave probably threatens you, who you are, or what you value. Because you don’t feel safe, you will subconsciously see them as wrong, less, bad or worse than you. You might also subconsciously look for bad in them and focus on it. There will be good in them too, but you won’t see that, because your ego needs to see anyone who is different as the bad guy. Seeing them as bad or wrong makes you feel a little safer and better.

This is behavior you must watch for. If you aren’t getting along with someone, take the time to look at why you might feel threatened or not good enough around them. What about them makes you feel this way? How is their value system a threat to yours?

Could you, instead, trust that all human beings have the same intrinsic worth and no one is more or less valuable than anyone else? Could you trust that each of us is having a completely unique, custom, classroom journey and see any comparing as pointless? Could you set aside better and worse, and just see them as different?

Recognize the world needs all different kinds of people and no value system is inherently better or worse than another. Seeing people and their behavior accurately will create more tolerance and acceptance. The more you practice seeing human behavior this way, the more compassionate and easy to get along with you will become.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles and Nicole Cunningham are the authors of the 12 Shapes Relationship System - get the app today, take the quiz, invite friends and learn about your shape at - app.12shapes.com

This was first published on KSL.com
Question:

I work with a woman, who is very opinionated with severe black and white thinking. I find myself getting upset by the way that she voices her opinions all the time and won’t even consider anothers point of view. We all eat lunch together and honestly, it’s getting hard to tolerate. What do you do with people who are that opinionated and not open to life having any shades of grey?

Answer:

We are going to answer three questions inside your question.

First, why do some people see the world in this black-and-white way and feel they have to constantly share or even push their opinions on the rest of us?

Second, how do you know if you are one of these opinionated people?

Third, what can you do so people, who are like this, don’t drive you batty?

It makes life a great deal easier if you understand what is really driving human behavior. Understanding what motivates people helps us to not take other people’s behavior as personally either.

We believe human behavior is driven (consciously or subconsciously) by what we fear and what we value. So, we are going to explain the fears and values behind very opinionated, black-and-white thinking.

These people often have fear failure (that they might not be good enough) and they have fear loss (that life won’t be the way they want it to be). We know this because these two fears are behind almost all bad behavior.

These people feel safer if they have a clearly defined moral code, a black-and-white clear and solid code of behavior (the way people should behave) and other rules of correct living. If they have these rules clearly defined, they know exactly what they must do to be good enough. These guidelines make them feel safe. They also get a sense of safety from finding fault in the rule breaking and incorrect thinking in the people around them. If they can find people who are worse or wrong, it makes their ego feel a little better or right, which quiets their fear of failure a bit.

People who are quick to judge others as wrong are usually getting a strong sense of safety and self-worth from believing they are right. The more fear of failure they have about themselves, the more they might focus on black and white rules that prove they are right.

They may also be a tad controlling too because having things done “right” also makes them feel safer in the world. They are often defensive, territorial and protective of themselves, which can come across as selfish, arrogant and inflexible. They are often more focused on things being right and fair than they are on caring how other people feel.

These people also highly value ideas. They like learning and teaching. They believe correct ideas and doing things right are critical to success and happiness, and they tend to assume that everyone has or should have the same ideas, beliefs and values they have.

They also fear what would happen if their ideas (and rules) are not upheld. For example, people who are passionate about the environment and global warming value environmental issues, as well as fear the outcome if the planet is not looked after. They can at times be a tad judgmental or critical when they feel others don’t value ideas, beliefs and opinions or have the wrong ones.

Now, the question is, are you this kind of person? Do you have a strong sense of right and wrong and often find yourself in judgment of others? Do you ever leave a situation and realize you may have talked too much or dominated the conversation? Do you get irritated when people disagree with you and do you see them as less than you, because of their choices?

If these are resonating as truth for you, don’t worry – we aren’t saying you are bad, wrong or less than others for being wired this way. The truth is the world needs people who care deeply about right and wrong, but we must all watch for unbalanced behavior that comes when we function from fear.

If you aren’t like this but have people in your life who are, here are some tips for dealing with these people:

1. Show compassion toward the fear that is driving their opinionated behavior and black-and-white thinking. 

When we consciously choose to stay calm and not react to the behavior of others, we are able to look at what is motivating it. Think about this woman at work, what do you know about her story and what she has been through in her life? Do you think there is some fear of failure in her? Can you sense that her stand on issues is about feeling right somewhere? When you look underneath the behavior and try to identify where it comes from, we step into greater acceptance, tolerance and compassion. See if you can show greater kindness and compassion to her and recognize her insecurities, after all, you have those too, they just manifest themselves differently for each of us.

2. Don’t react to the bad behavior, instead listen intently and then ask for permission to share your ideas

In the moment, when people are on a soap box and speaking down to us or sharing their strong opinions that we disagree with, we can become triggered and feel frustrated or angry. Often our ego wants to retaliate by interrupting or arguing, which can escalate the situation to conflict and confrontation.

Now, you understand their opinionated behavior is about their fear and their need for validation and safety. So, in reality, what they need is validation (which we know is the last thing you want to give them). If you can have a mutually validating conversation and make them feel safe, you might be able to get them in a place where they can listen to you too. You might even teach them something. The formula to having these conversations is on our website.

But, you basically must ask them more questions about their opinions and listen and validate their right to think the way they do. If you are willing to go here, you then earn the right to have a turn to share your opinion with them.

After you have given them some time to share and you make sure they feel heard, you can ask permission to share your thoughts. “Would you be open to letting me share another opinion?” This permission question opens the door for you to now be heard and share your opinion. If the person interrupts or tries to speak over you again, you have earned the right to say, “Excuse me, please don’t interrupt, I listened to your ideas on this, and I would appreciate you respecting my turn to speak and hearing my thoughts.”

This can be done respectfully and without confrontation. But remember, it’s not about changing other people’s minds, it’s about coming to a place where both differing opinions are respected and validating everyone involved.

3. Don’t take it so personally.

Other people’s need to be right or feel superior is their fear of failure at work. It is about their fears about themselves — it isn’t really about you. Ask yourself, “Which part of you needs validation and recognition for your opinions and feels mistreated when you don’t get that?” Is your fear of failure being triggered?”

All of us have this fear, on some level, but healthy self-esteem comes from knowing you don’t need validation or recognition from others to have the same intrinsic worth as every other person on the planet. Remind yourself that you are a unique, one of a kind human soul and your value doesn’t depend on your opinions, whether you are validated or liked by others, or whether other people think you are wrong.

As you remind yourself of this truth you will find yourself needing less attention and acknowledgment from others, and you will be able to better tolerate listening to the black and white views of others without feeling bothered.
If you are this kind of person and can recognize a need to be heard and validated for what you think, this is a great fear challenge to work on. Practice asking more questions and listening more than you talk next time you are with people. You will find validating others opinions feels even better than sharing yours.

Knowing you are lifting others up always feels better than being right. Practice setting aside your need to be right about how things should be. Try allowing people to have the same intrinsic value as you, even though their beliefs and values are different.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

I have a friend who is driving me crazy with the way he knows more about everything than I do. Whatever I say, he knows better or has a different opinion, and I swear he would take the opposite view on anything, just for the sake of argument. I don’t want to quit being friends with him, but I wish there was a way to change his behavior and get him to stop being the expert on everything all the time. There is some great value I could offer this person, but he is not open to hearing what anyone else has to offer. Any advice?

Answer:

My first question for you is “Are you sure you aren’t also a little attached to your own ideas and your need to be right?”

You seem very bothered by your friend's egotistical behavior, and usually we are most bothered by behaviors that also show up in us. That may sound counterintuitive, but it’s true. There is a law in the universe I call “You Spot It You Got It.” It means other people serve as a mirror for you, and you often possess the very behaviors you love and appreciate or are irritated over in them.

Whenever you find yourself in judgment of another person, you need to step back and look for that same beam in your eye. It’s highly likely you do the exact same thing to some degree. Bossy people are always bothered by bossy people, and "know it alls" are always bothered by EOEs (experts on everything).

There is a valuable You Spot It You Got It worksheet on our website that can help you check yourself to see if this is happening for you.

Take an honest look at your own need to be right, because we all get overly attached to our ideas, ideals, beliefs and opinions on occasion. We all are guilty of some projection too, where we see our fears and judgments in others. We also tie our ideas, opinions, thoughts and feelings to our value as a human being. This means if someone doesn’t agree with us, we subconsciously think they don’t value us.

This isn’t true, but it feels like truth.

After being brutally honest with yourself about how attached you are to your ideas and opinions, you must also be honest about how teachable you are and how much your ego or pride get in the way of learning from others. Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do you ask questions and listen to other people before (or more than) you talk? Or do you often dominate conversations?
2. Can you handle constructive criticism without getting defensive or feeling you aren’t good enough?
3. When you are judged by others, instead of just rejecting their assessment can you step back and look for validity in it? Can you also see when the feedback is a shame and blame projection from them?
4. Do you believe everyone has something they could teach you? Do you care enough to find out what it is?
5. Are you clear about your own strengths and weaknesses? Do you know that neither affects your value nor makes you any better or worse than anyone else?
6. Will you ask for help? Do you understand it’s a sign of strength not weakness?
7. Do you read books and attend seminars so you are always learning and improving?
8. Can you take responsibility for mistakes and apologize easily?
9. Do you see every experience as a chance to grow? Do you see life as a classroom?
10. Are you open to hiring a coach, mentor or adviser who could teach you new skills?
11. Are you more comfortable hanging out with people who have the same beliefs and opinions as you do?
12. Are you judgmental and critical of others? If you are, you may be subconsciously focused more on the negatives than the positives, which might make you less open to possibilities.

These questions should help you see it if you struggle here. The reason you and/or your friend might have an issue with being teachable is simple because your fear of failure (the fear you might not be good enough) gets in the way. One way to get your ego out of the way is to choose to see all human beings as having the same intrinsic value that cannot change. This means you can't earn more value by being right and you can't lose value by being wrong. The more you work on adopting this mindset, the more teachable you will become.

Bruce Lee said, “The usefulness of the cup is it’s emptiness”

It is only when we are empty that we can be filled with anything new. Being open and teachable means realizing there is always more to learn and being humble enough to embrace that when around other people.

With your EOE friend who struggles with this, you have three options.

1. You could have a mutually validating conversation where you ask questions about how he feels about your friendship first, then ask if he would be open to an observation if it came from love and wanting the friendship to be better. Then, using mostly “I” statements like: I have noticed … I feel … It would mean a lot to me if you would listen and try to respect my opinions a little more moving forward. Would you be open to that? There are worksheets on our website with more specific instructions for how to have these conversations.

2. If you don’t think you’d be comfortable addressing this directly or if you think he’d get defensive or mad, you could just decide to ignore it and love him as he is.

3. Or you could try what I call the “Encouragement Technique” and every chance you get mention how much you appreciate what a great listener he is, and how he validates, respects and honors everyone’s opinions. Even though this isn’t really accurate yet, showing someone the good behavior you know they are capable of often makes them want to be what you see.

This works because most people will want to live up to your highest opinion of them. Telling them they are the person they have the potential to be encourages them to choose that behavior.

If nothing you do changes your friend though, it might be a chance for you to grow in maturity, tolerance and love. Just choose to understand this is where he is and love him anyway.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the CEO of claritypointcoaching.com and the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" Nicole Cunningham is a master coach who works with teens and parents.

​Many of us didn’t learn mature communication skills or how to process emotions with clarity from our families, and they don’t teach these skills in school or at church. Many people never have the opportunity to learn a better way or how to think positively unless they seek it out on their own. You cannot just sit back and blame your parents though, you must take personal responsibility for your lack of skills and find someone to help you. There are many courses, seminars, coaches and experts who can help improve your communication skills and gain tools to help you handle yourself better. And the truth is - You can’t do better, until you know better.
 
In this article I will show you five common bad “people skills” habits, with some suggestions for changing them. These come from Patrick King’s book People Tactics:
 
#1 Not being fully present in conversations:
 
You may think more about what you want to say next, than you really listen, or you might be thinking about something else altogether and not listening at all. You may give people the impression you don’t care about them or wish you were somewhere else. You are going to have to work on changing this if you want good relationships.  If a conversation is boring you, you must own it’s partly your fault, because you aren’t engaged in making it meaningful by asking questions and getting to know this other human being.

One of the best new people skills you can practice is making every human being you talk to feel valued, by asking about and validating their ideas, opinions and stories. Choose to see every human being as having something important to teach you. Ask more questions, listen and give them all your attention. This will create rich, caring, respectful relationships. Choose to be more curious about other people, ask more questions about them and show they matter. Drop or set aside your concerns and opinions. Really focus on the person in front of you. Don’t just listen, but really hear them, especially the people closest to you. Echo back what they say and honor and respect their right to think or feel different from you. This takes commitment, but you can do it.
 
#2 Your world is black and white:
 
This means you believe your ideas, opinions or feelings are right and anything else is wrong. You also see the world with a strong moral compass, where there is no grey. Patrick King says, “This habit is particularly toxic because people who have this mindset are very judgmental.” They have a tendency to see themselves as better or smarter than others. If people sense this tendency in you, they may avoid conversations with you or avoid you altogether. If this is your spouse or child that isn’t engaging with you anymore – that is a big problem.
 
The way you can change this habit is to first, change the way you see the value of all human beings. You must choose to see all people as having the same value and that value doesn’t change – it is infinite and absolute. Choose to remember that though someone thinks or acts differently from you, they still have the same value. Remind yourself that your perspective is one perspective (it is not truth). Also understand the more opinionated and stubborn you are, the less connected you will be with others.

When you insist on being right and making others wrong, they feel you don’t value them as a person. This happens because most peole have attached their worth to their ideas and opinions. You must remember this and resist the need to be right all the time, so people will feel valued and like you. Choose to tell people you respect their right to their views and way of doing things (even your children). For some people with certain Psychological Inclinations, this black or white viewpoint takes a lot of work to change. If you’d like to know more about Psychological Inclinations check this link out.
 
#3 You are a conversational narcissist and dominate conversations:
 
Do you love to hear the sound of your own voice and like to talk about your opinions too much? Do you realize after a conversation that you didn’t leave room for anyone else?  Usually this need to talk too much comes from a deep fear of not being good enough. This fear drives your need to talk so you feel validated or you are trying to prove how smart or important you are.
 
To fix this bad habit you need to do some work on your own sense of intrinsic value. Choose to see every person as having the same value, and you will soon realize that counts for you too. The more secure you get the less you will need to talk about yourself. Challenge yourself to spend every conversation asking questions and listening instead of talking, because it’s the kind of person you really want to be. Showing up for others and making them feel important, will in the end, make you feel better about yourself than talking does.
 
#4 You give unsolicited advice or opinions:
 
Be honest with yourself. Is this something you do? Do you honestly mean well and want to help others, but accidently come off as a know it all?  You must understand unsolicited advice is an insult.  It makes others feel small, dumb or helpless no matter how well intentioned it is. If this is something you do, make a new rule you never give advice unless you ask permission first.  “Are you open to some advice on that?” This is a great way to make sure you aren’t stepping on anyone’s toes.  If they say no, honor that. Often people bring up a topic because they want to process out loud, more than they want your opinion. They need listening, more than input most of the time. Ask if they want help solving the problem, or just a listening ear? Then honor what they say. If they aren’t open to advice, respect that and let it go. It takes maturity and self-control to be this respectful, but it pays off big in most relationships. This one alone could completely change your relationship with your kids.
 
#5 Assuming you already know what someone feels and thinks:
 
If you haven’t asked questions and listened (today) then you don’t know where they are. One of the biggest insults in conversations is assuming you know what someone feels, thinks, does or did. Even if you were there, you don’t have any idea what went on in someone’s head or heart. To honor and respect other human beings, you must ask questions and listen to them, before you ever take action or say anything. Don’t assume anything.
 
If you want good relationships, you must listen more than you talk.  You must work on controlling your fears, so you don’t let your emotions create dramatic reactions.  I have written many articles on overcoming your fears and there is a great free e-book on processing emotions on my website that might help. You may also want to take our free Clarity Assessment because it will show you (on paper) your subconscious tendencies toward being right, talking too much or not listening to others.
 
If you are not creating the kind of relationships you want, or are getting consistent feedback that your reactions and behavior are out of control, immature or dramatic, own it and do something about it. I don’t know how to change – is no excuse. Life is a classroom and you are here to grow, so you must be actively looking for ways to improve yourself.  Coaching is a great place to start, to gain new skills and have some support to get there.
 
You can do this.