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Coach Kim: Intent matters if you want a good relationship

1/11/2021

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This was first published on KSL.COM

SALT LAKE CITY — I work with many couples who experience conflict in their relationships and who want to change that. Often, these couples fight over small things that hinge on misunderstandings of intent.

Most of us don't take the time to understand "the why" behind another person's behavior or their intent before we react. We don't ask questions about why our partner did what they did. We must start doing this if we want a healthy relationship because the intent matters.

When we don't know someone's true intent, there will be many unintentional slights, misunderstandings and assumptions of wrongdoing when wrong isn't even there.

Seneca, the author of "Moral Essays" said, "A gift consists not in what is done or given, but in the intention of the giver or doer." The same could be said about an offense: People can do the wrong thing for the right reason, and it changes the thing.

If couples can learn to stop before getting upset or offended, and take the time to ask questions and really understand why their partner behaved the way they did, they can nip most conflicts in the bud.

But this means watching yourself for anger and stopping yourself before you say or do anything. It means deciding — in the moment — to ask kind, understanding questions to get more information before you jump to conclusions or add meaning to their behavior.



Let me give you an example. Sally had asked Tom to pick up something at the store for her on his way home from work. He forgot the item because he was in a rush and had left work deeply upset about something his boss had said. When he got home and Sally realized he had not done what she asked, she was upset and felt unimportant and unsupported. She took the offense personally and got angry at Tom for what she viewed as mistreatment.

What I want you to see in this example is Sally's reaction to the events came from intent she was assuming or applying to what happened. Tom forgot to stop at the store for her. Those are the simple facts. She added meaning and intent to the facts by telling herself forgetting meant he didn't listen, care, want to help or support her.

Those were not the real reason he forgot to stop. Tom forgot to stop at the store because he was preoccupied with fear about his own situation and he inadvertently let it slip his mind. This had nothing to do with Sally and how he feels about her.

I can understand her frustration, though; and if this was something that happened a lot, it might have other meaning attached to it. But this one time, his intent wasn't malicious or about her.

In a recent article, I suggested that when someone offends you, you should try and figure out which of four possible reasons might be behind the behavior. The four most common reasons people behave badly are:
  1. They were oblivious and not paying attention. They didn't mean to disregard you or mistreat you; they were simply not being aware.
  2. They are dealing with their own fear issues, and their behavior is focused on finding a sense of safety for themselves.
  3. They are in a serious fear state where they are feeling generally defensive, always protecting themselves and seeing everyone as a threat.
  4. They intentionally wanted to hurt you or do you wrong.
Any time you get upset, ask yourself which of the four reasons might be the why behind the other person's bad behavior. The author James A. Owen said, "Don't ascribe to evil what can be attributed to well-intentioned stupidity." The truth is, most offenses in your relationship are just that, unintentional stupidity.

If you still feel justified to have an angry and reactive response, you might stop and ask yourself why you want to be angry. What is the intent behind your anger? The why behind your reaction is just as important as the why behind theirs.
  • Do you feel unsafe and feel the need to protect yourself from mistreatment?
  • What will an angry reaction create?
  • Is that an outcome you want?
  • What do you really want in this relationship?
  • What reaction or behavior would create that?
When Sally realized that Tom had forgotten to stop at the store, instead of taking this as a personal offense and getting mad at him — a response that is driven by fear — she might have decided to ask some kind and understanding questions so she could learn what really happened with her partner and what his intent was.

Asking kind questions with the purpose of understanding and getting to know this person feels very different than asking defensive, accusatory questions. Here are some examples.

"Why did you not do the one thing I asked you to do Tom?" That is an accusatory question that doesn't show a desire to understand.

A better question might be: "I noticed you forgot to stop at the store, are you OK? What's been happening today?"

The most important skill a couple can have is the ability to have mutually validating conversations that are focused on understanding each other. Unfortunately, a lot of people listen with the intent to reply, not the intent to understand.

The key to communicating in a way that validates both parties and leads to understanding and compromise (instead of conflict) lies in following a few simple rules.

Don't speak down to your partner

Never speak down to your partner from a high horse position, where you are the good one and they are the bad one. If a conversation starts this way, it will never end well. Remember that you both have the same intrinsic value and deserve to be respected. Always speak to your partner as an equal and in a respectful tone. Let them know that you are not coming from a place of judgment, just a place of wanting to understand and know them better.

Don't start with your feelings

Never start the conversation with all your thoughts and feelings. Start with asking questions about what your partner is thinking and feeling. Set your thoughts, feelings, opinions and ideas aside in the beginning; you will get the chance to share them later on. If you start by listening, your partner will be less defensive and they may actually feel safe enough to share with you.

Understand your partner's core fear and core value system

I have mentioned them in previous articles, but their core fear is either fear of failure or fear of loss; their core value system is either connection, tasks, things or ideas. If you understand how your partner is wired at this level, you can usually see the intent behind their behavior.

Tom, in the example above, might have fear of failure as his core fear. His fear of failing at work may have had him so consumed that he forgot everything else. Or maybe he values connection most and was so upset about the bad conversation with his boss that a task slipped his mind. He just values people more than tasks. Understanding your partner at this level could be a game-changer.

Focus on your partner's feelings

Ask kind, supportive questions about what your partner was feeling when the offense happened. Make sure these questions aren't an attack or pointed at making them wrong but are instead focused on understanding them. Spend the time to explore their state of mind, thoughts and feelings. You might be amazing at what you learn that you didn't know.

Remember intent matters

Remember intent matters, words matter and tone matters. Choose carefully.

Ask to share your feelings

Ask if your partner would be willing to let you share where you were and what you were thinking and feeling. Don't assume your partner should listen to you; ask them if they are willing and able to really listen and understand you. Ask if they would be willing to not interrupt and let you fully explain your side before they say anything. Ask for exactly what you need from them to make you feel heard and understood.

Use 'I' statements

Use "I" statements not "you" statements. Say things like, "I believe, I think, I feel, I experience, I react to, or in my opinion. Avoid saying, "You always," "You never," "You didn't care or try." As you can see, "you" statements feel like an attack. Keep your comments all about yourself and don't talk about your spouse. Let them speak for themselves.
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Practice makes perfect

Repeat these steps until you gain understanding or come to a compromise.

Try this week to ask more questions and pay more attention to intent. Show your partner that you can give them the benefit of the doubt, and that most of the time offenses are unintentional. Give them room to be distracted, self-focused because of fear, and sometimes miss things. Be willing to forgive most garden variety slights in favor of a healthier, happier relationship.

You can do this.
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New Year's 2021: A critical resolution you could make this year

1/1/2021

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This was first published on KSl.COM

SALT LAKE CITY — For the last eight years, I have written a special New Year's article in which I have given you the one resolution that would have the biggest positive impact on your life.

This year is one of the most interesting New Year's days in history, in my opinion, as we are dealing with unprecedented challenges, loss and conflict. We are in worse shape mentally and emotionally than ever before. So, I have been thinking about what we need at this unprecedented time and place. What would help us to start healing the conflicts, lifting the isolation, and restoring the loss? Is there one thing that would make a difference?

What immediately came to my mind was listening. Listening to others more (and talking less) could be life-changing for all of us this year.

What every human being needs this year is to have their experiences, feelings and struggles validated. When I say validated, I don't mean always agreeing with them; rather, the people around us need to know their feelings, beliefs and values matter. This is always the first step to resolving conflict. You must give all parties room to express their feelings and allow them to be right about how they feel.

I have been busy during 2020 working with couples and families who have experienced more conflict at home than ever before. They have been fast to get offended and act too often from a defensive position instead of a loving one. The pandemic has, to some degree, made us all more afraid of other people. This has put us all on guard, watching for slights and being quick to protect ourselves from others.

Has this created or added conflict in your relationships? Are you functioning from a fear-of-loss state, where you feel protective of yourself and see others as a threat — maybe even your spouse and children?

This has been a hard year for everyone. We all need the chance to talk about how 2020 has been for us and share our experiences and feelings, and there are many levels to listening better and they would all serve us greatly. This year, make a goal to listen better in the following ways.

Listen to yourself

Listening to yourself means you start trusting yourself, feeling the feelings that are coming up for you and exploring what they are about, and trusting your gut. You have what I call "an inner GPS" that always knows the right path for you. You are entitled to know where your perfect classroom journey goes next.

The problem comes when you don't trust yourself. You might live in constant fear that you aren't good enough, and this makes you think your thoughts and feelings must be untrustworthy. You might constantly ask others for advice because you trust them more. But they are not entitled to know what's best for you. Practice making decisions and sitting in that choice a while to feel if it is right or wrong. If you are making the wrong choice, your inner GPS will not let it go.

Take time this year to sit with feelings that show up. Ask yourself questions about what they are here for, where they are coming from, and what you're supposed to learn. Process emotions instead of stuffing or avoiding them. Not all your thoughts are accurate, but they are there to help you grow.

Take some quiet time every day this year to check in with yourself: How and what are you feeling? What feels right and wrong to you? Start listening and paying attention to how your inner GPS speaks to you.

Listen to your partner

This important person in your life is the one who needs you to hear them more than anyone else. Yet, few people take the time to ask deep questions and really listen to understand their partner at the deepest level. Too often, we listen only as we prepare what we want to say next. That is not true listening.

Your partner likely has thoughts, feelings, fears and concerns that you know nothing about. These are things they won't share unless you create a space that is safe enough and you earn their trust. Make a goal this year to ask questions, to get to know your partner on a much deeper level, and to truly understand them. This will create richness in the relationship you have never experienced before.

Listen to your children

Do you want your children to feel important and valued and have good self-esteem? Do you want to really know and understand them? Do you want a close safe relationship where they will confide in you? These things are all earned by listening more than you talk. Honestly ask yourself which of those actions your children get from you most.

Be a safe place where your children (no matter their age) can share their truth and be respected, honored, heard and validated. Every person has the right to feel the way they feel and have their unique perspective. You don't have to agree with someone else's feelings, but you should honor and respect their right to have those feelings. Make a goal this year to stop talking and start asking questions (without judgment in them) and really get to know your kids.

Listen to your friends and neighbors

You may think you know your friends and neighbors well, but chances are they still feel unseen in some way. They are, as the saying goes, fighting battles you know nothing about. They are carrying pain they won't share because it's messy and ugly.

These people need someone who cares to ask the hard questions like, "Are you really OK?" and "What's the hardest thing you have gone through this year? What's the worst part?" Then give them the time to really share those things they thought no one would care to hear. These are the things they most need to talk about, and this need usually goes unmet.

There is someone around you that needs this kind of love and validation. Make a goal to look for and see these people.

Listen to people you don't agree with

This is the first step to healing our nation after the conflict and division we've felt recently. It is time to truly listen to the people on the other side of every issue. You don't have to agree with them, but you could honor and respect their right to their perspective and experience.

When others say they feel slighted, it is not our place to disagree. They are always right about how they feel; they see the world from a perspective you can't possibly imagine because you weren't there. Your perspective is always missing some pieces. Always stay open to the possibility of being wrong. This keeps you teachable, open to learning, and able to create solutions that serve your entire community and country, not just you.

People who are different from you

Most of us subconsciously lean toward the people who are the most like us and who have the same beliefs, values, race, religion and socioeconomic status. This can make our world small. It shelters us from conflict, but it also hinders growth, learning and incredible experiences.

If you feel uncomfortable around a certain group, this is the year to make a new friend and spend some time really listening to their story and how they got there. Amazing growth can happen when we truly hear other people and understand their unique experiences. Doing so changes and enriches who you are.

Join me this year to listen better than we ever have before by committing to stay open and assume you don't know it all. Stay teachable. Get to know other people on a whole new level and develop compassion and empathy for people you didn't understand before. Decide to be a giver to the people in your home and be more focused on hearing them and understanding their hearts than ever before. They may irritate you at times, but you probably haven't scratched the surface of knowing the depths of their souls and their goodness. All that is required is for you to ask more questions, talk a lot less and care enough to hear them.

You can do this in 2021.
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Coach Kim: Delivering bad news as nicely as possible

12/21/2020

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This was first published on KSL.com
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Question:

This may seem like an obvious question, but I'd like some advice on how I break up with my girlfriend without hurting her too badly. She is great, but she isn't right for me. I know that she is probably going to take it hard, is there any soft way to do it?

Answer:

I'd like to answer your question in a way that is relevant to anyone delivering bad news. This means situations like firing someone, giving negative feedback, or ending a relationship.

In each of these cases, the bad news is going to be the catalyst for some pain, fear or shame happening in the other person. There is no way around that. Rejection and criticism experiences are painful for most people, but there are some ways you can soften the blow and — even more important — change your mindset so it is easier for you, because being the one to deliver bad news can feel terrible, too.

Here are some things to keep in mind before you deliver the bad news:

Use some empathy

Take a minute and put yourself in their shoes. Imagine how they feel now and how the news is going to feel for them. Think about what you would want to hear and how you would want to hear it if you were in their position. This will help you to handle it with more kindness. You can also tune into God's love for this person and it will help you to come from love when you speak to them.

Find the right time and setting

Ideally, you'll want privacy, time and space for the other person to either be alone or to go be with other people who can support them. You might want a setting where it is easy for them to leave and not have to face you afterward. For example, don't break up with your girlfriend on a trip where you have to be together for two more days, and don't do it in public. Breaking up with someone in their home is best because you can leave and they feel safe there.

Remember: You are not responsible for their happiness

While you are responsible for delivering the bad news with clarity and kindness, you are not responsible for any part of what the person goes through next. That might sound cold, but you cannot be responsible for something that is out of your control. Place the person in God's hands and let go; he is responsible for their life journey and experiences.

Understand your part

The universe has set you up to be the one to deliver the bad news and facilitate this part of the person's perfect classroom journey. This person wouldn't be here if it wasn't their perfect journey to be here. They have in some way signed up for this "class" (whatever experience this bad news brings). Your perfect classroom journey placed you here to be the one to deliver this news because it is the class you are signed up for. Your part is to be kind, honest and straightforward. After you deliver the news, your job ends and God will take it from there.

End the relationship quickly

Put an end to the relationship as soon as you know it's not right for you. Don't keep dating someone because you feel bad hurting them. Be responsible and caring enough to be honest and tell them how you feel as soon as you know can.

Focus on a few positives first

Take some time and validate the person for the things they do right or their amazing qualities. Make sure they know you see them accurately and see their goodness, but don't spend too long here or they may get confused about how the bad news fits.

Use 'I' statements

Especially when breaking up with someone, don't focus on their faults or negative traits. Focus on what you are feeling, looking for or experiencing. They can't argue with your feelings because you are the only one who truly knows how you feel. Just state your feelings and what you need. Avoid statements about what they do or don't do.

Don't use cliches

Avoid saying things like "it's not you, it's me" or "I don't think I am good enough for you." The truth is probably "the chemistry isn't there for me at the level it should be" or "I know in my heart this relationship isn't right for me."

Be as kind, honest and as straight forward as possible

Deliver the news with respect, honoring the other person and their intrinsic worth. Be honest and speak the truth plainly. Don't beat around the bush, be direct and clear. Speak the facts with as few words as possible so there is no misunderstanding. Bad news is worse if you drag it on trying to get there carefully without hurting the other person. The sooner you give them the clear facts, the sooner they start on the road to healing.

If they get angry or sad, validate their right to feel that way

Don't try to talk to the other person out of their feelings; they are always right about how they feel. Say things like, "I totally understand why you feel this way." Tell them you are sorry but the conversation has to be over now. Don't allow them to drag out this part of being upset with you. You will actually help them start healing faster if you rip off the bandage and then give them space.

Give them closure

If you know this person isn't for you, then don't say you want to "take a break" or see where you both are in a few months. Care about them enough to walk away cleanly so they can start healing and getting over you. You cannot be part of their support system after the break-up. They need you to walk cleanly away and let other friends and family support them through it.

Allow them to vent a little

Allowing the other person to vent their feelings shows you care. If they have things to say to you or about you after you deliver the bad news, be willing to listen without getting defensive. They may lash out verbally as a way to make themselves feel better. This is them projecting their pain, and it would be best if you could listen to it while not getting upset or absorbing it. Allow them to vent a little and say again, "I understand why you feel that way." Validate their right to their feelings and then end the conversation.

What if they try to change your mind?

If the other person tried to change your mind, be willing to listen and validate their feelings but let them know that there is no changing this. Be clear, direct and honest. You are doing them a favor by staying strong because it puts them on the path to healing sooner.

It is never fun being the bearer of bad news and making other people feel bad, but it is part of life and we all play this role from time to time. Remember that it's not you making the person feel bad, it's the reality of this part of their perfect classroom journey. This experience is a perfect lesson for both of you in trust and love.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: Handling disagreements about COVID-19 guidelines, restrictions

12/7/2020

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This was first published on KSL.com
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Question:

This one is a tough one for me. We have 6 kids (plus several spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends) in our family that we adore. They all live nearby and we love having them come visit for family holidays. I'm in a pickle here, though, and need your advice. I'm an avid news and science follower and have followed the COVID pandemic closely. Unfortunately, my sister even passed from COVID last month so I am really concerned about it. The problem is that my husband says he has had enough of this pandemic and the isolation and has invited all the family to come for Thanksgiving. We've had lengthy conversations about it and he knows I think that we should visit remotely as instructed by our leaders. What do I do given that we disagree so strongly about this? I know I am sensitive because of my sister's passing, but I worry about the health and safety of ALL our loved ones. Shouldn't we be setting a good example for our family and following guidelines?

Answer:

The short answer is yes, of course, you should absolutely follow the guidelines from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention when you celebrate Thanksgiving, which include hosting a remote gathering or wearing masks and practicing physical distancing, among other things. Having said that, I think your real question is: "How do I convince my spouse to follow the COVID-19 guidelines, and how do I handle the disagreement?"

The answer to that question is simple because it's the same answer no matter what the disagreement is about. You need to have a mutually validating conversation with them, where you both feel heard, understood and valued, and you need to come up with a compromise that honors both your feelings.

I believe knowing how to have mutually validating conversations is one of the most important relationship skills we need to have because it means you can talk about anything and not digress into a fight.

Here are some steps for how to do that:

1. Let go of your need to be right

If your goal is to convince him he is wrong and win the argument, he is likely just going to get defensive. A mutually validating conversation is not about being right and getting your way; it's about making both parties feel heard and understood, actually understanding the other person and their feelings, and honoring and respecting their right to feel the way they do. This requires you to be generous and caring as you go into this.

2. Make sure you see the other person as the same as you

This means you don't see yourself as smarter, wiser, more educated, more morally right, or above the other person in any way. You remind yourself that you have faults, too, and you both have the same intrinsic value all the time — that cannot change. This prevents you from talking down to the other person, which will always offend them. It also should prevent you from feeling intimidated or less than another person.

3. Set your agenda and feelings aside upfront

This means you are going to start this conversation with only one goal in mind: to ask questions, listen, understand and make sure the other person feels fully heard, honored and respected for their right to think the way they do. This conversation must start all about them, and not at all about you and your views. I sometimes need to set my feelings, opinions and agenda in another room and shut the door before going into a conversation like this. You must dedicate yourself upfront to just caring about how the other person feels.

4. Ask the other person questions about their thoughts and feelings

Ask your husband if he would be willing to talk to you about Thanksgiving and help you understand how he feels about it. During this step, you will ask great questions that show your desire to understand and give the him space to share all the details about his views. You want to spend as much time here as possible because this is the step that makes the other person feel safe with you, heard and valued. Make sure you don't agree or disagree with anything your husband says. This is not about you yet. This part is just about listening and caring about how he feels.
  • Ask him to share how fed up with COVID-19 and quarantining he is.
  • Ask him to share how being away from his loved ones makes him feel.
  • Ask him what the hardest part of following COVID-19 restrictions has been.
  • Ask him if he would share why he isn't more scared about getting COVID-19 (make sure this doesn't sound like an attack, but that you really want to understand how he sees things).
  • Ask him to help you understand what he fears he would be losing if he can't have the family over for Thanksgiving. What bothers him about that?
  • Ask him: "Tell me more about that and what makes you feel that way?"
  • Say things like "I can understand why you would feel this way."

5. Ask permission to share your thoughts

After you have spent a lot of time listening, and you can tell your husband feels heard and understood, you may ask him if he would be willing to let you share how you feel about it. You might want to ask a couple of permission questions so you can create the safe space you need. This might sound like:
  • Do you know that I care and respect how you feel?
  • I know that you already feel that you know my views, but would you be willing to take a few minutes and let me share my thoughts and feelings about Thanksgiving with you?
  • Would you be willing to give me 5 minutes to fully explain where I am coming from before you respond? Would you do that for me?
If he agrees — which he should if he feels like he's already been validated and listened to — you can move ahead. But, if he is not in a place where he can do that right now, you must respect that. You must give him an out and let him know it's OK to say no. You do this because you are building a relationship of trust and security with him, and most of all you want him to feel respected. This benefits you because if he feels respected and safe with you, then he is going to be more willing to listen to you in the future.

6. Speak your truth without attacking the other person

You will do this by following two rules:
  1. Use more "I" statements than "you" statements
  2. Focus on the future, not the past.
When you use "I" statements, you are explaining why you think and feel the way you do. Speak to your observations, opinions, views and perspective. Don't say things like, "You don't take this seriously." Instead say, "I really feel like this is something I need to take seriously. I have had someone close to me die and that makes the threat of COVID-19 feel really scary to me."

Avoid bringing up any behavior from the past by saying things like, "I feel like you never care what I think, remember last Christmas?" Instead say, "Would you be willing to care about what I think about this, this year?"

Make sure you don't insist on making the other person be wrong; you just have different perspectives, and both deserve to be honored.

7. Find ways to compromise

Obviously, though, only one plan for Thanksgiving can happen. Some kind of compromise must be reached. You might ask if there is anything you could do to make your husband feel like the family is there with you while gathering for the meal remotely.
  • Could you organize some games you could all play by video conference?
  • Could you put a computer or device at the table with each family streaming live so you can all feel more together?
  • What else could you do to counter the loss he will feel? Could you do something special for him that would make up for the loss?
Work to show your husband that you are not out to make him wrong, forcing your way, or trying to win; you just want to find a way to make him happy and keep everyone safe. You may have to repeat steps 4-6 a few times until you reach an agreement.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: How to stop the fighting in your relationship

11/1/2020

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This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

My spouse and I keep getting in these fights where she does something like ignores me when I am trying to talk to her, and this offends me and I get angry and slam a door, which really offends her and makes her feel attacked, which starts a big fight that lasts all week. The fight morphs and quickly becomes about who treats who worse. And in this drawn out fight, no one wins. After days of being mad and miserable we will start to move past it, but only until one of us offends the other again. What can we do to break this cycle of offending each other?
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Answer:

The root cause of these fights is you both functioning in a fear state where you feel unsafe with each other, and this is making you wear what I call "mistreatment glasses." Mistreatment glasses means you are subconsciously looking for mistreatment and offenses that will prove that you aren't safe with your partner and that they are the "bad one." Whatever you are looking for you will find. If you are looking for mistreatment, you will find it. If you are looking for proof your partner loves you, you will find that too.

Unfortunately, almost all of us feel unsafe in the world (at the subconscious level), and this keeps us on the defensive a lot of the time. When you feel unsafe, your ego steps up to try and protect you. It does this through defensiveness and casting the other person as the bad one. That is why it feels like a win (to your ego) when you can show that your partner treated you worse and you are the victim. But this is really not a win; no one wins when you get offended by small things and always see your partner as the enemy.

Below is a process you can use when someone offends you. Following it will help you step back out of ego to see the situation more accurately and respond more maturely.

Note: In this article I am only addressing how to deal with the garden variety of arguments, not situations that involve abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has information on how to identify the warning signs of abuse and how one can get help.

See the other person's bad behavior accurately

When someone behaves badly or offends you, there are four possible reasons for this behavior. Knowing them will help you accurately access what is happening in each situation. The four reasons people behave badly:
  1. They were oblivious, not paying attention, missed some things, or had inadvertent bad behavior. They didn't mean to disregard you or mistreat you, they were simply not paying attention.
  2. They are dealing with their own fear issues and their behavior is selfishly focused on finding a sense of safety for themselves. This can include seeking validation, showing off, protecting themselves, being jealous, being controlling, etc. It has been my experience that most bad behavior happens for this reason.
  3. They are in a serious fear state where they are feeling defensive, working to protect themselves, and seeing you as a threat. This line of thinking may not be accurate (you are probably not a threat), but in this state you look that way to them and this is all they can see.
  4. They intentionally wanted to hurt you or do you wrong
Which is most likely true in your case? Really think about this and give your partner a little benefit of the doubt, based on the qualities that attracted you to them in the first place. Are they someone who intentionally desires to hurt you? If they are, this may not be a healthy relationship for you to be in. But most of the time, offenses aren't intentional.

If this offense happened for any of the other three reasons, you must step back, stop taking this personally, and choose to not get offended — because it isn't about you. They don't feel safe in the world, and a person who doesn't feel safe has no choice but to focus on finding a sense of safety; they aren't capable of anything else. They may need some professional help to work on their fears around not being good enough and things not being right. So, the negative coping behaviors can be negated.

Be responsible for your response to the offense

You are responsible for your reactions and responses, and this should be your only concern. It is the only thing you have control over and the only thing that matters now. You must choose to respond with love, not fear.

If you get defensive and respond from a fear state, you are now doing the exact same thing the other person did to you. You are demonstrating fear-based bad behavior, and responding badly back is just as bad as responding badly first. It's the same bad behavior driven by the same cause.

Respond to an offense with love

Offenses and your reactions happen fast though, so you will need to practice and prepare ahead of time to be able to remember these steps in the heat of the moment. You might want to read through this procedure daily or replay past offenses that you reacted badly to, running through these steps to see what you should have done.

Procedure for reacting to offenses:
  1. Recognize your angry, defensive, offended, unbalanced emotions when they are triggered.
  2. Recognize the desire to place blame for those emotions on the other person and see them as the bad guy.
  3. Remember the four real reasons people behave badly. Ask yourself: Is this person intentionally trying to hurt you, or could it be one of the other three reasons that aren't about you at all? If it's one of those, you now have two options: Let it go and ignore it (usually the best option), or speak your truth and ask for better treatment, but do it in a loving, validating way.
Procedure for mutually validating conversations:
  1. See the other person as the same as you. They are not the bad one, and you the good one. You are both good and bad, and you have the same intrinsic value all the time. Do not talk down to the other person or attack them in any way. You are no better than they are.
  2. Ask if they would be open to talking about the relationship and how you could both make it better.
  3. Ask how they are feeling about the relationship. Ask if there is anything you do that bothers them, that they would love to have you work on or change. Ask if there is anything you do that bothers or irritates them. Be humble, teachable and willing to make some changes yourself. Be willing to spend time here, really listening and validating their right to feel the way they do. This is the love part of the conversation and this is where you show them that you are committed to showing up for and caring about them.
  4. Explain how you feel about the behavior they have that bothers you, but do so using more "I" statements than "you" statements. Say things like "when this happens, I feel this way ... ," or "To me, it looks and feels this way and I just wondered if you would be willing to do that differently next time that happens?" Focus on the future behavior you want to see, not the past bad behavior that they can't change. Make sure this is not an attack; it is you sharing how you feel when certain things happen and owning your fear issues.
  5. Tell them it would really help you if they would consider changing one thing moving forward. Focus on only one change in this conversation (others can wait for another time).
  6. Repeat the steps 3-5 again if needed. At this point, the other person might have more to say to you or might get defensive. If this happens, go back to step 3 and ask questions and validate their feelings again. Go through steps 3-5 again and again, until you both feel supported, heard and understood.
This article has a lot of steps to follow, which will be hard to remember in the heat of the moment when you get offended. You will need to read this often and do a lot of mental replay after a fight to go back through what happened and see what you could have done differently. That kind of practice really helps, though.

You and your partner may also need some coaching or counseling to work on the underlying fear issues that cause you to feel unsafe with each other. I find most couples who fight a lot need individual coaching to get their subconscious fears under control before they can create a healthy relationship. Always be willing to take this on and work on yourself.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: Stop talking down to, interrupting women

10/19/2020

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This was first published on KSL.COM
​
Question:

I have noticed lately that many of the men at work and in other meetings I attend interrupt me, cut me off, or talk down to me and the other women in those groups. I am just curious to know if you think there is anything we can do to garner more respect and/or change this? Should we say something when this happens or try to ignore it?

Answer:

Women are often talked over, interrupted or shut down in conversation, especially in environments where they are outnumbered by men. A study from George Washington University found that men were 33% more likely to interrupt women than they were to interrupt other men.

Another study, from researchers at Northwestern Pritzker School of Law, found that this even happens to female Supreme Court Justices, like the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Researchers examined 15 years of court transcripts to see how often men, either justices or advocates, interrupted the female justices. Over the last 12 years (when women have comprised only 24% of the bench) female justices being interrupted by men accounted for 32% of interruptions, while female justices interrupting men accounted for only 4% of interruptions.

According to Jessica Bennett, a gender editor at the New York Times, it is not just men who interrupt women. Other women are also more prone to interrupt women, and people of color and LGBTQ+ people fare even worse. The sad truth is we subconsciously see some people as less valuable or less important, and this shows up in the way we communicate.

I believe the crucial first step is committing to see all human beings as having the same value and demonstrating this belief in how we talk to them. Every person deserves to be heard and respected. We must see all human beings as equals, listen without interrupting, and honor their right to think differently than we do.

Obviously, there are also situations where the opposite is true and women interrupt or talk over men. The point of the article is to make us all better at respectful communication.

Practical ways you can be part of the solution

1. Stop before interrupting someone. If you feel the urge to interrupt someone, ask yourself, "Do I just want to ask a quick question to clarify what they are saying? Am I going to invite them to continue afterward, or do I think what I have to say is more important than this person?" If the latter is is the case, choose to keep quiet.

2. Check yourself before giving advice. Before you advise another person ask yourself, "Is there any chance I am explaining something to this person that they already know?" If you think there is any chance they might already know this information, don't insult them by telling them. You could also ask them directly if they would be open to some advice?

3. Ask permission before you share an idea or suggestion, or give advice. Ask the other person if they are open to hearing your idea and give them a comfortable out if they'd rather not hear it. Respect the answer to your permission question and don't forge ahead without permission.

4. Don't use demeaning nicknames like honey, sweetie, love or babe. These are not appropriate unless you are dating or married to the other person, and even then ask how they feel about these terms and make sure they are seen as a compliment, not an insult.

5. Never correct another person's pronunciation or grammar.

6. Avoid sexist or demeaning jokes and misogynistic statements. Call out other people who use them. Explain to them why their behavior is wrong. Watch for situations that make women or other marginalized people feel uncomfortable and stand up for them.

7. Make a committed effort to listen to other people. In any meetings you attend, make sure all the women and marginalized people are respected and heard. Insist that others acknowledge and hear them out. Stop people who are interrupting them.

8. Believe women and what they say. Insist that others do the same.

9. Don't get defensive if a woman — or anyone for that matter — tells you that your words or behavior were offensive or hurtful. Be open to understanding that from another person's perspective things can look and feel different than they feel from your perspective. Apologize and ask questions so you understand what you should do differently in the future. Be teachable.

10. Be careful not to talk over other people. Don't dismiss others' ideas; and if you cannot wait to make a comment, at least politely ask if you can stop them for a second. Then, make sure you invite them to continue afterward.

11. If you are on a board, panel or team, insist that they include a well-rounded number of diverse people. Invite more women or minorities to participate and be included.

12. Teach young people that being feminine is not a bad thing. Don't use phrases like "you hit like a girl." Challenge stereotypes that place women behind men as the weaker sex. Encourage women and girls to see themselves as equal, smart and capable as men.

What to do if you find yourself being talked down to or interrupted

1. Don't take it personally. Interrupting says more about a lack of manners in the other person than it says about you. This experience doesn't mean you are less important or less worthy of respect; it likely means the other person hasn't learned to be aware of how their actions affect other people.

2. Don't blame yourself or see yourself as weak or insecure. This happens because our entire society has been taught patriarchy as the social norm. You allow men to interrupt you because it is deep in your subconscious programming to see it as acceptable. It will take work and time for you to recognize every time it happens and learn to stand up for yourself. Have compassion for yourself during this time.

3. Whenever you are speaking to men, use confident words. Rose Kennedy, from the Atlanta Journal, encourages women to "speak with conviction using words like 'know' instead of 'believe' and 'will' instead of 'might." She says to "lean in and make eye contact," sighting a 1983 study that found men tend to interrupt women more often when they lean away or don't look at the person they're talking to.

4. Practice assertive body language. Do things like keeping your arms out to take up as much space in the room as you can. This is a power position and it changes how people treat you.

5. Be strong and confident without being defensive or overly forceful. You don't have to be angry and defensive to stand up for yourself. You can stand in your power and still be calm, peaceful and kind.

6. If you are interrupted or cut off, you have the following options to respond (which can all be done standing in your power):
  • Keep talking and don't stop to allow the interruption at all. Hopefully, the interrupter will get it: You aren't allowing yourself to be interrupted today.
  • Ask them politely to allow you to finish what you were saying. Do this without malice or venom in your tone. "John, would you mind allowing me to finish what I was saying here, then you can be next?"
  • Allow the interruption, but quickly pick up where you left off afterward. When the person is finished say, "To just finish what I was saying …"
  • Allow the interruption but pull the person aside later, in private. Ask the person if they would ever be open to allowing you to share something you noticed in the conversation earlier. Do not make this an attack, though, or the person will come away hating you instead of learning something. Be respectful and kind, and just ask if they would be open to a little constructive feedback on something that happened earlier, which they might want to be aware of. Explain that you felt cut off and disrespected, but you know they wouldn't do that on purpose (assume this). Ask if moving forward they might be willing to watch for cutting off or interrupting women when they speak. Don't focus on past mistakes. Focus on asking for different behavior in the future.
You might want to share this article with the people at work and even ask your boss if this is something everyone in the office could work on. Bringing this problem into the light and asking others to be aware of it, is the important first step to creating change.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: 12 tips to stop the perennial arguments in your relationship

10/19/2020

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This was first published on KSL.com

I read in Psychology Today recently that 70% of the most common conflicts in any relationship (even good relationships) are perennial conflicts, which means they are conflicts that never get resolved and happen over and over again.

These conflicts are usually based on character and behavior differences between the two people that irritate the other person. Most of these differences are in a person's subconscious programming and innate wiring, and most are not going to change. I am talking about things like being late all the time or not being organized.

If you want to have a rich and healthy relationship you are going to have to accept some of these things about your partner and quit trying to fundamentally change them. You are going to have to choose to love who they are.

That doesn't mean you can't bring up behaviors that bother you; but if you decide to do that, you better take stock of your own faults, flaws and quirks first. You must decide to forgive your spouse some of their flaws and quirks because you want some of yours forgiven too. You must be more accepting and less critical, let small irritating things go, and try to laugh at the funny ways you are wired differently.

Note: This article does not address relationships where abuse is happening. It is directed to those who have run of the mill conflicts, arguments, offenses and irritations with their partner, but there is no emotional, mental or physical abuse happening. If abuse, infidelity, dishonesty, cruelty, or other problems are in play, acceptance is not the answer and you should seek a mental health professional.

Here are some things you can do to become more accepting of your partner and reduce the perennial conflicts.
  1. Accept that your partner is not going to behave or function in the world the same way you do. They had a different upbringing and different life experiences. They have different perspectives and are wired differently than you are. Expecting them to think and behave as you do is unrealistic.
  2. Understand your way of behaving is not the right way and theirs is not the wrong way; they are just different ways. Your way might be better in your opinion, but that is just an opinion. Everyone is entitled to see the world the way they see it. You will not have a healthy relationship if you make your partner "wrong" every time they behave differently from you. You must give them room to be themselves or you don't really love them.
  3. Accept that you cannot change or "fix" your partner. No amount of begging or pleading or threatening can make another person change. So, if your focus is on changing them (more than accepting them), you are going to have problems.
  4. Accept that your partner may not share the same value system you do. Chances are good that you value different things. Do you highly value being social, getting tasks done, looking good, or appreciating ideas and principles most? Which does your partner value or focus on most? One is not better than another; we are just wired to focus on one most. If you are a principle person and married to a social person, this difference can create lots of challenges. But if you are committed to allowing your partner to be different, and even celebrate the differences, you can make it work.
  5. The more you try to change your partner, the more they will dig in and defend their right to be as they are. Accepting them fully as they are actually leaves your partner room to decide to improve themselves on their own. They might change because they love you and want to give to you, but you only if you don't try to change them. I know this seems counter-intuitive, but it's still true. Encouragement is a better motivator than disappointment.
  6. Don't be disappointed in your partner. If they feel you are disappointed in them, they will be less motivated to try to please you. In fact, your partner will more likely get resentful or passive-aggressive. Accept that they are not perfect, and neither are you. You are both going to disappoint each other on occasion, so think about how you want them to treat you on those days. Show up with love and acceptance and reassure them that they don't have to be perfect to be worthy of your love.
  7. Make a list of your faults, flaws, character deficits, and quirky behaviors. Ask your partner to do the same. Sit together and talk about the flaws that are probably never going to change and will require understanding and working around. If your partner is always late, how can you deal with that and work around it? If they are forgetful, how can you allow that without getting mad every time it happens. You will be willing to forgive them some flaws so they will do the same for you.
  8. Understand your different love languages. Your partner doesn't give or experience love and security the same way you do. The things that make you feel loved may do nothing for them. You must take the time to learn what makes them feel safe and loved, and make sure you are giving that to them daily. They must do the same for you.
  9. Never play the victim. Never blame your spouse as the cause of the problem. Every problem is a two-way street. They might do this irritating thing, but you might also be too sensitive to that thing. You both must stay responsible for what you could do better, and be quick to offer lots of sincere apologies for any little part you play. Apologizing more and blaming less is key.
  10. Remember that the qualities you like in your partner and the qualities you don't like are usually inextricably linked. Every good quality has a shadow-side negative. A person who is disciplined and organized is also picky and hard to please. A person who is always late is also easy going and low key. Try to find the benefits that go with the qualities that bother you and remember you don't get one without the other.
  11. Understand most annoying qualities or flaws aren't that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. How much will this conflict matter in 10 years? Is there any chance you are making a mountain out of a molehill? Would it be more mature to let this one go? Are there more important strengths and good qualities your partner does have? Could you focus on those?
  12. Consider if your partner's flaws are triggering a long-buried issue that really belongs to you. For some irritations, if you didn't already have a sore spot in that area from your past your partner's problem wouldn't bother you. Is there any chance you have fears, triggers or issues — even from your childhood — that are making your partner's fault bigger than it has to be, or adding meaning that isn't really there? This is a good question to ask whenever you get triggered by anything. Take responsibility for your side of every annoyance and be willing to do some work on you.
Perhaps the most important thing to remember is don't give up. Bumps in the road are inevitable, but most can be resolved through increasing your understanding and acceptance of the person you love and yourself. A healthy relationship also requires lots of forgiveness and room for both of you to be imperfect.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: How to stop the fighting in your relationship

10/12/2020

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This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

My spouse and I keep getting in these fights where she does something like ignores me when I am trying to talk to her, and this offends me and I get angry and slam a door, which really offends her and makes her feel attacked, which starts a big fight that lasts all week. The fight morphs and quickly becomes about who treats who worse. And in this drawn out fight, no one wins. After days of being mad and miserable we will start to move past it, but only until one of us offends the other again. What can we do to break this cycle of offending each other?

Answer:

The root cause of these fights is you both functioning in a fear state where you feel unsafe with each other, and this is making you wear what I call "mistreatment glasses." Mistreatment glasses means you are subconsciously looking for mistreatment and offenses that will prove that you aren't safe with your partner and that they are the "bad one." Whatever you are looking for you will find. If you are looking for mistreatment, you will find it. If you are looking for proof your partner loves you, you will find that too.

Unfortunately, almost all of us feel unsafe in the world (at the subconscious level), and this keeps us on the defensive a lot of the time. When you feel unsafe, your ego steps up to try and protect you. It does this through defensiveness and casting the other person as the bad one. That is why it feels like a win (to your ego) when you can show that your partner treated you worse and you are the victim. But this is really not a win; no one wins when you get offended by small things and always see your partner as the enemy.

Below is a process you can use when someone offends you. Following it will help you step back out of ego to see the situation more accurately and respond more maturely.

Note: In this article I am only addressing how to deal with the garden variety of arguments, not situations that involve abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has information on how to identify the warning signs of abuse and how one can get help.

See the other person's bad behavior accurately

When someone behaves badly or offends you, there are four possible reasons for this behavior. Knowing them will help you accurately access what is happening in each situation. The four reasons people behave badly:
  1. They were oblivious, not paying attention, missed some things, or had inadvertent bad behavior. They didn't mean to disregard you or mistreat you, they were simply not paying attention.
  2. They are dealing with their own fear issues and their behavior is selfishly focused on finding a sense of safety for themselves. This can include seeking validation, showing off, protecting themselves, being jealous, being controlling, etc. It has been my experience that most bad behavior happens for this reason.
  3. They are in a serious fear state where they are feeling defensive, working to protect themselves, and seeing you as a threat. This line of thinking may not be accurate (you are probably not a threat), but in this state you look that way to them and this is all they can see.
  4. They intentionally wanted to hurt you or do you wrong
Which is most likely true in your case? Really think about this and give your partner a little benefit of the doubt, based on the qualities that attracted you to them in the first place. Are they someone who intentionally desires to hurt you? If they are, this may not be a healthy relationship for you to be in. But most of the time, offenses aren't intentional.

If this offense happened for any of the other three reasons, you must step back, stop taking this personally, and choose to not get offended — because it isn't about you. They don't feel safe in the world, and a person who doesn't feel safe has no choice but to focus on finding a sense of safety; they aren't capable of anything else. They may need some professional help to work on their fears around not being good enough and things not being right. So, the negative coping behaviors can be negated.

Be responsible for your response to the offense

You are responsible for your reactions and responses, and this should be your only concern. It is the only thing you have control over and the only thing that matters now. You must choose to respond with love, not fear.

If you get defensive and respond from a fear state, you are now doing the exact same thing the other person did to you. You are demonstrating fear-based bad behavior, and responding badly back is just as bad as responding badly first. It's the same bad behavior driven by the same cause.

Respond to an offense with love

Offenses and your reactions happen fast though, so you will need to practice and prepare ahead of time to be able to remember these steps in the heat of the moment. You might want to read through this procedure daily or replay past offenses that you reacted badly to, running through these steps to see what you should have done.

Procedure for reacting to offenses:
  1. Recognize your angry, defensive, offended, unbalanced emotions when they are triggered.
  2. Recognize the desire to place blame for those emotions on the other person and see them as the bad guy.
  3. Remember the four real reasons people behave badly. Ask yourself: Is this person intentionally trying to hurt you, or could it be one of the other three reasons that aren't about you at all? If it's one of those, you now have two options: Let it go and ignore it (usually the best option), or speak your truth and ask for better treatment, but do it in a loving, validating way.
Procedure for mutually validating conversations:
  1. See the other person as the same as you. They are not the bad one, and you the good one. You are both good and bad, and you have the same intrinsic value all the time. Do not talk down to the other person or attack them in any way. You are no better than they are.
  2. Ask if they would be open to talking about the relationship and how you could both make it better.
  3. Ask how they are feeling about the relationship. Ask if there is anything you do that bothers them, that they would love to have you work on or change. Ask if there is anything you do that bothers or irritates them. Be humble, teachable and willing to make some changes yourself. Be willing to spend time here, really listening and validating their right to feel the way they do. This is the love part of the conversation and this is where you show them that you are committed to showing up for and caring about them.
  4. Explain how you feel about the behavior they have that bothers you, but do so using more "I" statements than "you" statements. Say things like "when this happens, I feel this way ... ," or "To me, it looks and feels this way and I just wondered if you would be willing to do that differently next time that happens?" Focus on the future behavior you want to see, not the past bad behavior that they can't change. Make sure this is not an attack; it is you sharing how you feel when certain things happen and owning your fear issues.
  5. Tell them it would really help you if they would consider changing one thing moving forward. Focus on only one change in this conversation (others can wait for another time).
  6. Repeat the steps 3-5 again if needed. At this point, the other person might have more to say to you or might get defensive. If this happens, go back to step 3 and ask questions and validate their feelings again. Go through steps 3-5 again and again, until you both feel supported, heard and understood.
This article has a lot of steps to follow, which will be hard to remember in the heat of the moment when you get offended. You will need to read this often and do a lot of mental replay after a fight to go back through what happened and see what you could have done differently. That kind of practice really helps, though.

You and your partner may also need some coaching or counseling to work on the underlying fear issues that cause you to feel unsafe with each other. I find most couples who fight a lot need individual coaching to get their subconscious fears under control before they can create a healthy relationship. Always be willing to take this on and work on yourself.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: How to have difficult conversations without offending

9/28/2020

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This was first published on ksl.com


Question:

I am in a wonderful relationship. I feel very loved, and I love her. We respect each other’s differences and appreciate them. However, something has recently come up: my partner has started smoking socially. I am a religious person and she is not, but that doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is that she is a recovering addict and she’s been sober for two years, but I’m afraid she is going to use smoking to replace her old vice. Would I be controlling or rude if I told her I was concerned by her smoking? She is pretty stressed right now, and I want to help her, but I can’t stand thinking that she’s going to develop another harmful habit.

Answer:

It sounds like what you're asking is how to give negative feedback about another person’s problem or bad habit without making them feel defensive or attacked. Here are some tips and a very soft approach to making these tricky conversations easier.

Treat the other person as an equal

When you treat the other person as an equal, you do not talk down to them. We all have a subconscious tendency to see bad behavior in another person as making them "less good" than we are, and we might accidentally come across as thinking we are "better" if we aren’t careful. It is important that you remember that even though you don’t have this problem or bad habit, you have others. You are not perfect. You have faults and flaws too. Make sure you see the other person as an equal and make them feel honored and respected for their right to be where they are. Remember, they have the same value as you. Don’t talk down or be patronizing.

Focus on gaining understanding

Go into the conversation with your only agenda being to gain understanding and make the other person feel valued. Don’t have an agenda around changing or fixing them; if you do, they will pick up on this and likely get defensive from the start. Go into this conversation with the primary goal of showing them you care about, honor and respect them. You can have a topic in mind — in this case, to understand more about their smoking — but with no agenda around it.

Ask for permission to approach the subject

Ask the other person if they would be willing to have a conversation about smoking so you can know and love them better. Go ahead and let them know the topic you want to talk about, but reassure them that you are going to really listen and will not lecture, push your opinions, or interrupt. Make sure they feel safe with you. If you have not been a good listener in the past, you might have to apologize for that and ask them to please give you another chance to show up better.

Ask non-judgmental questions

Ask them questions about what they think and feel around the topic but make sure the questions don’t sound judgmental. Questions like: "Why in the world would you want to smoke? and "Don’t you know how damaging it is?" are judgmental questions. Instead, try something like "I really want to understand about smoking, I guess I don’t really understand the appeal. Would you be willing to educate me and help me understand why you like it? I promise my asking is not from judgment, but just from wanting to understand you so I can support you better. Would you tell me about what it does for you?" Notice the lack of agenda in that? The other person is not going to be honest and share their feelings if they feel you are going to make them feel wrong or bad. They have to feel they have a safe place to share.

Don't agree or disagree

Don't agree or disagree with what the other person says. Simply listen and validate their right to be where they are and feel the way they do. Say things like, "I can totally see why you might feel that way. Tell me more about that." Remember, you can disagree with what they say or think and still validate their right to feel the way they do. If you strongly disagree with their views, bite your tongue and don’t go there yet.

Be open to making your own changes

If you want someone to hear you, listen to your views, and possibly change their viewpoint or behavior, you must first show them you are also open to changing yours (you might want to read that again). This is the crucial piece. If you are stubbornly dug into your being right, they are going to do the same. If they can feel that you are open to learning, understanding, and even being wrong, they can let their defenses come down because they are safe to do so. They likely will be more open, too. You may have to prove that you are this open by actually bending and admitting you are learning some things here that make you rethink your position.

Ask to share your views

After the other person has had awhile to really explain their views, and they feel heard and validated, then and only then can you ask permission to share your views. Ask them if they know that you love them and only want the best for them. Ask them if they know you are coming from a position of only love, not judgment. Very respectfully ask them if they would be willing to let you share some of your concerns about smoking and why it scares you. Let them know if they don’t feel comfortable hearing your views on this, that is OK too. This makes this a real question, not a rhetorical one. If they say they are not open to hearing your views, you must say, "OK, I respect that" and walk away. Your willingness to honor their answer builds trust in the relationship.

Follow 2 simple rules

When the other person is ready to listen to you, follow these two simple rules:
  1. Use mostly "I" statements, not "you" statements. Say things like, "I get scared by your smoking because I fear it is addictive and can start to take over your life. I am scared about the health risks and don’t want to see you get sick one day. In my opinion, it’s just not worth that risk." Notice these statements are less confrontational than "Your smoking scares me because you have had problems in the past and you could have issues again. You don’t seem to care about your health." Can you see the difference "I" statements make? "You" statements always feel like an attack.
  2. Focus more on their future behavior than their past. They can’t change the past. The only thing they have control over in the future. Ask if they might be willing to consider rethinking smoking moving forward. Ask if there is anything you could do to support them finding another way to cope besides smoking

Love, encourage and validate


If a person feels you are trying to change them, they will always resist changing. If they feel your unconditional love and support, and if you express concern from love and caring (not judgment) and are willing to listen, understand, and even learn something you didn’t know, they will be more open.

The best way to get someone to change something about themselves is through encouragement and positive validation. You could watch for times that she makes good health choices and tell her how awesome she is that she cares about her health and makes those choices. Let her know you admire the way she quit her previous addictive behavior and that you really love and respect her for that (without saying anything about smoking). If you make these comments every once in awhile, she might want to live up to your highest opinion of her and decide to change her habits on her own because she wants to be that person that you see.

Remember, though, you must stay out of judgment and let go of the idea that you are right and she is wrong. Show up with total respect for her and her choices, and just focus on understanding and supporting her. This approach is not controlling or rude as long as you are sincere.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: What really happens when you argue

8/10/2020

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This was first published on KSL.COM

I had a client ask me about the anatomy of the argument they keep having over and over throughout their marriage. They have noticed that other couples say the same thing: they always argue over the same thing or around the same basic issue. So, I thought that maybe I would explain a simple way to take apart that argument and see what is really happening.

The first thing you need to understand is that fear is in play. I believe there are two fears we all battle with every day, and have done so since we were small children. They are the fear of failure (that I might not be good enough) and the fear of loss (that I am not safe). We all experience both of these, but each person has one that is more dominant.

Find the fear

When thinking about your most common argument, it’s important to figure out which fear is in play for each of you. Ask the following questions to determine which fear is dominant for you, and then for your partner.

Fear of failure questions
  • Do you have a lot of insecurity?
  • Can you be a people pleaser?
  • Do you sometimes struggle to speak your truth and instead let yourself be treated like a doormat?
  • Do you worry too much about what others think?
  • Do you get really hurt or offended when someone accuses you of acting wrong or behaving badly?
  • Do you just really want everyone to be happy so you can relax and not feel like a failure?
If you answered yes to most of these questions, you are probably fear-of-failure dominant.

Fear of loss questions
  • Do you have lots of opinions and are not shy about sharing them?
  • Do you speak your truth well and sometimes offend people?
  • Do you need a certain amount of control of situations to really feel safe?
  • Are you opinionated and picky or particular about how things should be done?
  • Do you easily notice what is wrong in any situation?
  • Are you sensitive about feeling taken from or taken advantage of?
  • Do you get bothered when your money is wasted or people don’t do what they should be doing?
If you answered yes to most of these questions you might be fear-of-loss dominant.

Study the fight

The reason it is important to know a person’s core fear is that once you understand where their fear is based, you also know the key trigger that knocks them out of balance and brings out their bad behavior. Most of your arguments will be the same basic fear getting triggered.

People who are fear-of-failure dominant get offended when they feel judged, criticized, rejected, unloved, abandoned or insulted.

People who are fear-of-loss dominant get offended when they feel taken from, mistreated, disregarded, disrespected or like they are losing something.

Think back on your most common argument or disagreement you have with a person. Which one of the above offenses happened first? Someone started this argument when they felt one of those things. Can you see which fear was in play first?

When their first fear was triggered, the person reacted and behaved in a way that triggered the other person’s fear. Can you see which fear that was?

Whenever you react from fear, the behavior that results is almost always selfish and focused solely on protecting yourself. This behavior makes the other person feel unsafe. When you are so focused on protecting yourself, you are not going to be thinking about protecting the other person. It is important that you can see behavior that the first person displayed, or what they said that got the second person triggered, too.

What did the first person’s behavior make the second person feel? Did they feel ...
  1. Judged, criticized, rejected, unloved, abandoned or insulted
  2. Taken from, mistreated, disregarded, disrespected or like they are losing something
When both parties have their core fear triggered, each person involved in the argument is selfishly focused on protecting his or herself and his or her interests. In this state, no one is capable of showing up with love, understanding or validation for the other person. They both feel too unsafe to talk about the real issues. Suddenly, the whole argument has become all about seeing yourself as wronged and defending yourself.

See the solution


It is critical to understand the anatomy of these arguments so you can see the solution. At the end of the day, you both just want to feel safe, loved, respected, admired and wanted by your partner. This argument is really about the fact that you don’t feel that way.

So, the answer to ending this argument for good is to learn how to make your partner feel safe, loved, respected, admired and wanted when they first get triggered.

What if you could pause right at the beginning of the argument, when the first trigger happens, and ask yourself:
  1. What is my partner really afraid of here?
  2. What does my partner need to calm, validate or reassure them and bring back a feeling of safety?
  3. How could I give my partner what they need instead of getting defensive and focusing on protecting myself?
  4. What would it look like if I tried to listen to understand my partner (not reply) and recognized this issue is about their fears about themselves more than it is about me?
  5. What could I do in this moment to make my partner feel safe, loved, respected, admired and wanted?

Mary and John


Let me give you an example of how this works:

Mary and her husband John live on a tight budget and are very careful in stretching their paycheck to the end of the month. John opens the fridge and finds a bag of salad that has gone bad and has to be thrown out. He turns to Mary and in anger says "That is just great! Why didn’t you use this before it sat in the fridge and rotted? What’s the matter with you?" Mary yells back, "Why do you have to be such a jerk? You are the worst husband ever." The argument escalates from there.

Let’s take this one apart: This argument started when John got triggered by fear of loss. He was already worried about not having enough money this month, and seeing food go bad triggered that fear. But notice that he doesn’t see it as a money fear problem; he inaccurately sees it as Mary’s problem. So, he aimed his bad reaction right at Mary, insulting and verbally attacking her.

This, of course, triggered Mary’s fear of failure, as John was accusing her of being careless and wasteful. But instead of recognizing what John’s fear was really about (the money fear), she goes on the defense and attacks him back. Now, both John and Mary feel unsafe with each other and instead of addressing the actual fear issue, they have made the argument about each other.

​Conclusion

The truth is that most bad behavior is a cry for help, love or reassurance because the person is scared of something; it’s always more about the person’s fears about themselves than it is about you.

People who are grouchy and rude and attack you for small mistakes, or right out of the blue, are usually battling a huge fear that they aren’t good enough; however, they aren't conscious of that, so they project their self-hate onto you, which is easier for them than facing it.

Many people who feel mistreated, taken from, or are easily offended are really angry at life for disappointing them. They can’t punish life for their losses, so they project the problem onto everyone around them. If you can start stepping back and looking at each argument through this filter, you will find they are easier to understand and resolve than you think.

You can do this.

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    Kimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC.  She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio.

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