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This was first published on KSL.COM
SALT LAKE CITY — I work with many couples who experience conflict in their relationships and who want to change that. Often, these couples fight over small things that hinge on misunderstandings of intent. Most of us don't take the time to understand "the why" behind another person's behavior or their intent before we react. We don't ask questions about why our partner did what they did. We must start doing this if we want a healthy relationship because the intent matters. When we don't know someone's true intent, there will be many unintentional slights, misunderstandings and assumptions of wrongdoing when wrong isn't even there. Seneca, the author of "Moral Essays" said, "A gift consists not in what is done or given, but in the intention of the giver or doer." The same could be said about an offense: People can do the wrong thing for the right reason, and it changes the thing. If couples can learn to stop before getting upset or offended, and take the time to ask questions and really understand why their partner behaved the way they did, they can nip most conflicts in the bud. But this means watching yourself for anger and stopping yourself before you say or do anything. It means deciding — in the moment — to ask kind, understanding questions to get more information before you jump to conclusions or add meaning to their behavior. Let me give you an example. Sally had asked Tom to pick up something at the store for her on his way home from work. He forgot the item because he was in a rush and had left work deeply upset about something his boss had said. When he got home and Sally realized he had not done what she asked, she was upset and felt unimportant and unsupported. She took the offense personally and got angry at Tom for what she viewed as mistreatment. What I want you to see in this example is Sally's reaction to the events came from intent she was assuming or applying to what happened. Tom forgot to stop at the store for her. Those are the simple facts. She added meaning and intent to the facts by telling herself forgetting meant he didn't listen, care, want to help or support her. Those were not the real reason he forgot to stop. Tom forgot to stop at the store because he was preoccupied with fear about his own situation and he inadvertently let it slip his mind. This had nothing to do with Sally and how he feels about her. I can understand her frustration, though; and if this was something that happened a lot, it might have other meaning attached to it. But this one time, his intent wasn't malicious or about her. In a recent article, I suggested that when someone offends you, you should try and figure out which of four possible reasons might be behind the behavior. The four most common reasons people behave badly are:
If you still feel justified to have an angry and reactive response, you might stop and ask yourself why you want to be angry. What is the intent behind your anger? The why behind your reaction is just as important as the why behind theirs.
Asking kind questions with the purpose of understanding and getting to know this person feels very different than asking defensive, accusatory questions. Here are some examples. "Why did you not do the one thing I asked you to do Tom?" That is an accusatory question that doesn't show a desire to understand. A better question might be: "I noticed you forgot to stop at the store, are you OK? What's been happening today?" The most important skill a couple can have is the ability to have mutually validating conversations that are focused on understanding each other. Unfortunately, a lot of people listen with the intent to reply, not the intent to understand. The key to communicating in a way that validates both parties and leads to understanding and compromise (instead of conflict) lies in following a few simple rules. Don't speak down to your partner Never speak down to your partner from a high horse position, where you are the good one and they are the bad one. If a conversation starts this way, it will never end well. Remember that you both have the same intrinsic value and deserve to be respected. Always speak to your partner as an equal and in a respectful tone. Let them know that you are not coming from a place of judgment, just a place of wanting to understand and know them better. Don't start with your feelings Never start the conversation with all your thoughts and feelings. Start with asking questions about what your partner is thinking and feeling. Set your thoughts, feelings, opinions and ideas aside in the beginning; you will get the chance to share them later on. If you start by listening, your partner will be less defensive and they may actually feel safe enough to share with you. Understand your partner's core fear and core value system I have mentioned them in previous articles, but their core fear is either fear of failure or fear of loss; their core value system is either connection, tasks, things or ideas. If you understand how your partner is wired at this level, you can usually see the intent behind their behavior. Tom, in the example above, might have fear of failure as his core fear. His fear of failing at work may have had him so consumed that he forgot everything else. Or maybe he values connection most and was so upset about the bad conversation with his boss that a task slipped his mind. He just values people more than tasks. Understanding your partner at this level could be a game-changer. Focus on your partner's feelings Ask kind, supportive questions about what your partner was feeling when the offense happened. Make sure these questions aren't an attack or pointed at making them wrong but are instead focused on understanding them. Spend the time to explore their state of mind, thoughts and feelings. You might be amazing at what you learn that you didn't know. Remember intent matters Remember intent matters, words matter and tone matters. Choose carefully. Ask to share your feelings Ask if your partner would be willing to let you share where you were and what you were thinking and feeling. Don't assume your partner should listen to you; ask them if they are willing and able to really listen and understand you. Ask if they would be willing to not interrupt and let you fully explain your side before they say anything. Ask for exactly what you need from them to make you feel heard and understood. Use 'I' statements Use "I" statements not "you" statements. Say things like, "I believe, I think, I feel, I experience, I react to, or in my opinion. Avoid saying, "You always," "You never," "You didn't care or try." As you can see, "you" statements feel like an attack. Keep your comments all about yourself and don't talk about your spouse. Let them speak for themselves. Practice makes perfect Repeat these steps until you gain understanding or come to a compromise. Try this week to ask more questions and pay more attention to intent. Show your partner that you can give them the benefit of the doubt, and that most of the time offenses are unintentional. Give them room to be distracted, self-focused because of fear, and sometimes miss things. Be willing to forgive most garden variety slights in favor of a healthier, happier relationship. You can do this.
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This was first published on KSl.COM
SALT LAKE CITY — For the last eight years, I have written a special New Year's article in which I have given you the one resolution that would have the biggest positive impact on your life. This year is one of the most interesting New Year's days in history, in my opinion, as we are dealing with unprecedented challenges, loss and conflict. We are in worse shape mentally and emotionally than ever before. So, I have been thinking about what we need at this unprecedented time and place. What would help us to start healing the conflicts, lifting the isolation, and restoring the loss? Is there one thing that would make a difference? What immediately came to my mind was listening. Listening to others more (and talking less) could be life-changing for all of us this year. What every human being needs this year is to have their experiences, feelings and struggles validated. When I say validated, I don't mean always agreeing with them; rather, the people around us need to know their feelings, beliefs and values matter. This is always the first step to resolving conflict. You must give all parties room to express their feelings and allow them to be right about how they feel. I have been busy during 2020 working with couples and families who have experienced more conflict at home than ever before. They have been fast to get offended and act too often from a defensive position instead of a loving one. The pandemic has, to some degree, made us all more afraid of other people. This has put us all on guard, watching for slights and being quick to protect ourselves from others. Has this created or added conflict in your relationships? Are you functioning from a fear-of-loss state, where you feel protective of yourself and see others as a threat — maybe even your spouse and children? This has been a hard year for everyone. We all need the chance to talk about how 2020 has been for us and share our experiences and feelings, and there are many levels to listening better and they would all serve us greatly. This year, make a goal to listen better in the following ways. Listen to yourself Listening to yourself means you start trusting yourself, feeling the feelings that are coming up for you and exploring what they are about, and trusting your gut. You have what I call "an inner GPS" that always knows the right path for you. You are entitled to know where your perfect classroom journey goes next. The problem comes when you don't trust yourself. You might live in constant fear that you aren't good enough, and this makes you think your thoughts and feelings must be untrustworthy. You might constantly ask others for advice because you trust them more. But they are not entitled to know what's best for you. Practice making decisions and sitting in that choice a while to feel if it is right or wrong. If you are making the wrong choice, your inner GPS will not let it go. Take time this year to sit with feelings that show up. Ask yourself questions about what they are here for, where they are coming from, and what you're supposed to learn. Process emotions instead of stuffing or avoiding them. Not all your thoughts are accurate, but they are there to help you grow. Take some quiet time every day this year to check in with yourself: How and what are you feeling? What feels right and wrong to you? Start listening and paying attention to how your inner GPS speaks to you. Listen to your partner This important person in your life is the one who needs you to hear them more than anyone else. Yet, few people take the time to ask deep questions and really listen to understand their partner at the deepest level. Too often, we listen only as we prepare what we want to say next. That is not true listening. Your partner likely has thoughts, feelings, fears and concerns that you know nothing about. These are things they won't share unless you create a space that is safe enough and you earn their trust. Make a goal this year to ask questions, to get to know your partner on a much deeper level, and to truly understand them. This will create richness in the relationship you have never experienced before. Listen to your children Do you want your children to feel important and valued and have good self-esteem? Do you want to really know and understand them? Do you want a close safe relationship where they will confide in you? These things are all earned by listening more than you talk. Honestly ask yourself which of those actions your children get from you most. Be a safe place where your children (no matter their age) can share their truth and be respected, honored, heard and validated. Every person has the right to feel the way they feel and have their unique perspective. You don't have to agree with someone else's feelings, but you should honor and respect their right to have those feelings. Make a goal this year to stop talking and start asking questions (without judgment in them) and really get to know your kids. Listen to your friends and neighbors You may think you know your friends and neighbors well, but chances are they still feel unseen in some way. They are, as the saying goes, fighting battles you know nothing about. They are carrying pain they won't share because it's messy and ugly. These people need someone who cares to ask the hard questions like, "Are you really OK?" and "What's the hardest thing you have gone through this year? What's the worst part?" Then give them the time to really share those things they thought no one would care to hear. These are the things they most need to talk about, and this need usually goes unmet. There is someone around you that needs this kind of love and validation. Make a goal to look for and see these people. Listen to people you don't agree with This is the first step to healing our nation after the conflict and division we've felt recently. It is time to truly listen to the people on the other side of every issue. You don't have to agree with them, but you could honor and respect their right to their perspective and experience. When others say they feel slighted, it is not our place to disagree. They are always right about how they feel; they see the world from a perspective you can't possibly imagine because you weren't there. Your perspective is always missing some pieces. Always stay open to the possibility of being wrong. This keeps you teachable, open to learning, and able to create solutions that serve your entire community and country, not just you. People who are different from you Most of us subconsciously lean toward the people who are the most like us and who have the same beliefs, values, race, religion and socioeconomic status. This can make our world small. It shelters us from conflict, but it also hinders growth, learning and incredible experiences. If you feel uncomfortable around a certain group, this is the year to make a new friend and spend some time really listening to their story and how they got there. Amazing growth can happen when we truly hear other people and understand their unique experiences. Doing so changes and enriches who you are. Join me this year to listen better than we ever have before by committing to stay open and assume you don't know it all. Stay teachable. Get to know other people on a whole new level and develop compassion and empathy for people you didn't understand before. Decide to be a giver to the people in your home and be more focused on hearing them and understanding their hearts than ever before. They may irritate you at times, but you probably haven't scratched the surface of knowing the depths of their souls and their goodness. All that is required is for you to ask more questions, talk a lot less and care enough to hear them. You can do this in 2021. This was first published on KSL.com
Question: This may seem like an obvious question, but I'd like some advice on how I break up with my girlfriend without hurting her too badly. She is great, but she isn't right for me. I know that she is probably going to take it hard, is there any soft way to do it? Answer: I'd like to answer your question in a way that is relevant to anyone delivering bad news. This means situations like firing someone, giving negative feedback, or ending a relationship. In each of these cases, the bad news is going to be the catalyst for some pain, fear or shame happening in the other person. There is no way around that. Rejection and criticism experiences are painful for most people, but there are some ways you can soften the blow and — even more important — change your mindset so it is easier for you, because being the one to deliver bad news can feel terrible, too. Here are some things to keep in mind before you deliver the bad news: Use some empathy Take a minute and put yourself in their shoes. Imagine how they feel now and how the news is going to feel for them. Think about what you would want to hear and how you would want to hear it if you were in their position. This will help you to handle it with more kindness. You can also tune into God's love for this person and it will help you to come from love when you speak to them. Find the right time and setting Ideally, you'll want privacy, time and space for the other person to either be alone or to go be with other people who can support them. You might want a setting where it is easy for them to leave and not have to face you afterward. For example, don't break up with your girlfriend on a trip where you have to be together for two more days, and don't do it in public. Breaking up with someone in their home is best because you can leave and they feel safe there. Remember: You are not responsible for their happiness While you are responsible for delivering the bad news with clarity and kindness, you are not responsible for any part of what the person goes through next. That might sound cold, but you cannot be responsible for something that is out of your control. Place the person in God's hands and let go; he is responsible for their life journey and experiences. Understand your part The universe has set you up to be the one to deliver the bad news and facilitate this part of the person's perfect classroom journey. This person wouldn't be here if it wasn't their perfect journey to be here. They have in some way signed up for this "class" (whatever experience this bad news brings). Your perfect classroom journey placed you here to be the one to deliver this news because it is the class you are signed up for. Your part is to be kind, honest and straightforward. After you deliver the news, your job ends and God will take it from there. End the relationship quickly Put an end to the relationship as soon as you know it's not right for you. Don't keep dating someone because you feel bad hurting them. Be responsible and caring enough to be honest and tell them how you feel as soon as you know can. Focus on a few positives first Take some time and validate the person for the things they do right or their amazing qualities. Make sure they know you see them accurately and see their goodness, but don't spend too long here or they may get confused about how the bad news fits. Use 'I' statements Especially when breaking up with someone, don't focus on their faults or negative traits. Focus on what you are feeling, looking for or experiencing. They can't argue with your feelings because you are the only one who truly knows how you feel. Just state your feelings and what you need. Avoid statements about what they do or don't do. Don't use cliches Avoid saying things like "it's not you, it's me" or "I don't think I am good enough for you." The truth is probably "the chemistry isn't there for me at the level it should be" or "I know in my heart this relationship isn't right for me." Be as kind, honest and as straight forward as possible Deliver the news with respect, honoring the other person and their intrinsic worth. Be honest and speak the truth plainly. Don't beat around the bush, be direct and clear. Speak the facts with as few words as possible so there is no misunderstanding. Bad news is worse if you drag it on trying to get there carefully without hurting the other person. The sooner you give them the clear facts, the sooner they start on the road to healing. If they get angry or sad, validate their right to feel that way Don't try to talk to the other person out of their feelings; they are always right about how they feel. Say things like, "I totally understand why you feel this way." Tell them you are sorry but the conversation has to be over now. Don't allow them to drag out this part of being upset with you. You will actually help them start healing faster if you rip off the bandage and then give them space. Give them closure If you know this person isn't for you, then don't say you want to "take a break" or see where you both are in a few months. Care about them enough to walk away cleanly so they can start healing and getting over you. You cannot be part of their support system after the break-up. They need you to walk cleanly away and let other friends and family support them through it. Allow them to vent a little Allowing the other person to vent their feelings shows you care. If they have things to say to you or about you after you deliver the bad news, be willing to listen without getting defensive. They may lash out verbally as a way to make themselves feel better. This is them projecting their pain, and it would be best if you could listen to it while not getting upset or absorbing it. Allow them to vent a little and say again, "I understand why you feel that way." Validate their right to their feelings and then end the conversation. What if they try to change your mind? If the other person tried to change your mind, be willing to listen and validate their feelings but let them know that there is no changing this. Be clear, direct and honest. You are doing them a favor by staying strong because it puts them on the path to healing sooner. It is never fun being the bearer of bad news and making other people feel bad, but it is part of life and we all play this role from time to time. Remember that it's not you making the person feel bad, it's the reality of this part of their perfect classroom journey. This experience is a perfect lesson for both of you in trust and love. You can do this. This was first published on KSL.com
Question: This one is a tough one for me. We have 6 kids (plus several spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends) in our family that we adore. They all live nearby and we love having them come visit for family holidays. I'm in a pickle here, though, and need your advice. I'm an avid news and science follower and have followed the COVID pandemic closely. Unfortunately, my sister even passed from COVID last month so I am really concerned about it. The problem is that my husband says he has had enough of this pandemic and the isolation and has invited all the family to come for Thanksgiving. We've had lengthy conversations about it and he knows I think that we should visit remotely as instructed by our leaders. What do I do given that we disagree so strongly about this? I know I am sensitive because of my sister's passing, but I worry about the health and safety of ALL our loved ones. Shouldn't we be setting a good example for our family and following guidelines? Answer: The short answer is yes, of course, you should absolutely follow the guidelines from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention when you celebrate Thanksgiving, which include hosting a remote gathering or wearing masks and practicing physical distancing, among other things. Having said that, I think your real question is: "How do I convince my spouse to follow the COVID-19 guidelines, and how do I handle the disagreement?" The answer to that question is simple because it's the same answer no matter what the disagreement is about. You need to have a mutually validating conversation with them, where you both feel heard, understood and valued, and you need to come up with a compromise that honors both your feelings. I believe knowing how to have mutually validating conversations is one of the most important relationship skills we need to have because it means you can talk about anything and not digress into a fight. Here are some steps for how to do that: 1. Let go of your need to be right If your goal is to convince him he is wrong and win the argument, he is likely just going to get defensive. A mutually validating conversation is not about being right and getting your way; it's about making both parties feel heard and understood, actually understanding the other person and their feelings, and honoring and respecting their right to feel the way they do. This requires you to be generous and caring as you go into this. 2. Make sure you see the other person as the same as you This means you don't see yourself as smarter, wiser, more educated, more morally right, or above the other person in any way. You remind yourself that you have faults, too, and you both have the same intrinsic value all the time — that cannot change. This prevents you from talking down to the other person, which will always offend them. It also should prevent you from feeling intimidated or less than another person. 3. Set your agenda and feelings aside upfront This means you are going to start this conversation with only one goal in mind: to ask questions, listen, understand and make sure the other person feels fully heard, honored and respected for their right to think the way they do. This conversation must start all about them, and not at all about you and your views. I sometimes need to set my feelings, opinions and agenda in another room and shut the door before going into a conversation like this. You must dedicate yourself upfront to just caring about how the other person feels. 4. Ask the other person questions about their thoughts and feelings Ask your husband if he would be willing to talk to you about Thanksgiving and help you understand how he feels about it. During this step, you will ask great questions that show your desire to understand and give the him space to share all the details about his views. You want to spend as much time here as possible because this is the step that makes the other person feel safe with you, heard and valued. Make sure you don't agree or disagree with anything your husband says. This is not about you yet. This part is just about listening and caring about how he feels.
5. Ask permission to share your thoughts After you have spent a lot of time listening, and you can tell your husband feels heard and understood, you may ask him if he would be willing to let you share how you feel about it. You might want to ask a couple of permission questions so you can create the safe space you need. This might sound like:
6. Speak your truth without attacking the other person You will do this by following two rules:
Avoid bringing up any behavior from the past by saying things like, "I feel like you never care what I think, remember last Christmas?" Instead say, "Would you be willing to care about what I think about this, this year?" Make sure you don't insist on making the other person be wrong; you just have different perspectives, and both deserve to be honored. 7. Find ways to compromise Obviously, though, only one plan for Thanksgiving can happen. Some kind of compromise must be reached. You might ask if there is anything you could do to make your husband feel like the family is there with you while gathering for the meal remotely.
You can do this. This was first published on KSL.com
Question: My spouse and I keep getting in these fights where she does something like ignores me when I am trying to talk to her, and this offends me and I get angry and slam a door, which really offends her and makes her feel attacked, which starts a big fight that lasts all week. The fight morphs and quickly becomes about who treats who worse. And in this drawn out fight, no one wins. After days of being mad and miserable we will start to move past it, but only until one of us offends the other again. What can we do to break this cycle of offending each other? Answer: The root cause of these fights is you both functioning in a fear state where you feel unsafe with each other, and this is making you wear what I call "mistreatment glasses." Mistreatment glasses means you are subconsciously looking for mistreatment and offenses that will prove that you aren't safe with your partner and that they are the "bad one." Whatever you are looking for you will find. If you are looking for mistreatment, you will find it. If you are looking for proof your partner loves you, you will find that too. Unfortunately, almost all of us feel unsafe in the world (at the subconscious level), and this keeps us on the defensive a lot of the time. When you feel unsafe, your ego steps up to try and protect you. It does this through defensiveness and casting the other person as the bad one. That is why it feels like a win (to your ego) when you can show that your partner treated you worse and you are the victim. But this is really not a win; no one wins when you get offended by small things and always see your partner as the enemy. Below is a process you can use when someone offends you. Following it will help you step back out of ego to see the situation more accurately and respond more maturely. Note: In this article I am only addressing how to deal with the garden variety of arguments, not situations that involve abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has information on how to identify the warning signs of abuse and how one can get help. See the other person's bad behavior accurately When someone behaves badly or offends you, there are four possible reasons for this behavior. Knowing them will help you accurately access what is happening in each situation. The four reasons people behave badly:
If this offense happened for any of the other three reasons, you must step back, stop taking this personally, and choose to not get offended — because it isn't about you. They don't feel safe in the world, and a person who doesn't feel safe has no choice but to focus on finding a sense of safety; they aren't capable of anything else. They may need some professional help to work on their fears around not being good enough and things not being right. So, the negative coping behaviors can be negated. Be responsible for your response to the offense You are responsible for your reactions and responses, and this should be your only concern. It is the only thing you have control over and the only thing that matters now. You must choose to respond with love, not fear. If you get defensive and respond from a fear state, you are now doing the exact same thing the other person did to you. You are demonstrating fear-based bad behavior, and responding badly back is just as bad as responding badly first. It's the same bad behavior driven by the same cause. Respond to an offense with love Offenses and your reactions happen fast though, so you will need to practice and prepare ahead of time to be able to remember these steps in the heat of the moment. You might want to read through this procedure daily or replay past offenses that you reacted badly to, running through these steps to see what you should have done. Procedure for reacting to offenses:
You and your partner may also need some coaching or counseling to work on the underlying fear issues that cause you to feel unsafe with each other. I find most couples who fight a lot need individual coaching to get their subconscious fears under control before they can create a healthy relationship. Always be willing to take this on and work on yourself. You can do this. This was first published on KSL.COM
Question: I have noticed lately that many of the men at work and in other meetings I attend interrupt me, cut me off, or talk down to me and the other women in those groups. I am just curious to know if you think there is anything we can do to garner more respect and/or change this? Should we say something when this happens or try to ignore it? Answer: Women are often talked over, interrupted or shut down in conversation, especially in environments where they are outnumbered by men. A study from George Washington University found that men were 33% more likely to interrupt women than they were to interrupt other men. Another study, from researchers at Northwestern Pritzker School of Law, found that this even happens to female Supreme Court Justices, like the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Researchers examined 15 years of court transcripts to see how often men, either justices or advocates, interrupted the female justices. Over the last 12 years (when women have comprised only 24% of the bench) female justices being interrupted by men accounted for 32% of interruptions, while female justices interrupting men accounted for only 4% of interruptions. According to Jessica Bennett, a gender editor at the New York Times, it is not just men who interrupt women. Other women are also more prone to interrupt women, and people of color and LGBTQ+ people fare even worse. The sad truth is we subconsciously see some people as less valuable or less important, and this shows up in the way we communicate. I believe the crucial first step is committing to see all human beings as having the same value and demonstrating this belief in how we talk to them. Every person deserves to be heard and respected. We must see all human beings as equals, listen without interrupting, and honor their right to think differently than we do. Obviously, there are also situations where the opposite is true and women interrupt or talk over men. The point of the article is to make us all better at respectful communication. Practical ways you can be part of the solution 1. Stop before interrupting someone. If you feel the urge to interrupt someone, ask yourself, "Do I just want to ask a quick question to clarify what they are saying? Am I going to invite them to continue afterward, or do I think what I have to say is more important than this person?" If the latter is is the case, choose to keep quiet. 2. Check yourself before giving advice. Before you advise another person ask yourself, "Is there any chance I am explaining something to this person that they already know?" If you think there is any chance they might already know this information, don't insult them by telling them. You could also ask them directly if they would be open to some advice? 3. Ask permission before you share an idea or suggestion, or give advice. Ask the other person if they are open to hearing your idea and give them a comfortable out if they'd rather not hear it. Respect the answer to your permission question and don't forge ahead without permission. 4. Don't use demeaning nicknames like honey, sweetie, love or babe. These are not appropriate unless you are dating or married to the other person, and even then ask how they feel about these terms and make sure they are seen as a compliment, not an insult. 5. Never correct another person's pronunciation or grammar. 6. Avoid sexist or demeaning jokes and misogynistic statements. Call out other people who use them. Explain to them why their behavior is wrong. Watch for situations that make women or other marginalized people feel uncomfortable and stand up for them. 7. Make a committed effort to listen to other people. In any meetings you attend, make sure all the women and marginalized people are respected and heard. Insist that others acknowledge and hear them out. Stop people who are interrupting them. 8. Believe women and what they say. Insist that others do the same. 9. Don't get defensive if a woman — or anyone for that matter — tells you that your words or behavior were offensive or hurtful. Be open to understanding that from another person's perspective things can look and feel different than they feel from your perspective. Apologize and ask questions so you understand what you should do differently in the future. Be teachable. 10. Be careful not to talk over other people. Don't dismiss others' ideas; and if you cannot wait to make a comment, at least politely ask if you can stop them for a second. Then, make sure you invite them to continue afterward. 11. If you are on a board, panel or team, insist that they include a well-rounded number of diverse people. Invite more women or minorities to participate and be included. 12. Teach young people that being feminine is not a bad thing. Don't use phrases like "you hit like a girl." Challenge stereotypes that place women behind men as the weaker sex. Encourage women and girls to see themselves as equal, smart and capable as men. What to do if you find yourself being talked down to or interrupted 1. Don't take it personally. Interrupting says more about a lack of manners in the other person than it says about you. This experience doesn't mean you are less important or less worthy of respect; it likely means the other person hasn't learned to be aware of how their actions affect other people. 2. Don't blame yourself or see yourself as weak or insecure. This happens because our entire society has been taught patriarchy as the social norm. You allow men to interrupt you because it is deep in your subconscious programming to see it as acceptable. It will take work and time for you to recognize every time it happens and learn to stand up for yourself. Have compassion for yourself during this time. 3. Whenever you are speaking to men, use confident words. Rose Kennedy, from the Atlanta Journal, encourages women to "speak with conviction using words like 'know' instead of 'believe' and 'will' instead of 'might." She says to "lean in and make eye contact," sighting a 1983 study that found men tend to interrupt women more often when they lean away or don't look at the person they're talking to. 4. Practice assertive body language. Do things like keeping your arms out to take up as much space in the room as you can. This is a power position and it changes how people treat you. 5. Be strong and confident without being defensive or overly forceful. You don't have to be angry and defensive to stand up for yourself. You can stand in your power and still be calm, peaceful and kind. 6. If you are interrupted or cut off, you have the following options to respond (which can all be done standing in your power):
You can do this. This was first published on KSL.com
I read in Psychology Today recently that 70% of the most common conflicts in any relationship (even good relationships) are perennial conflicts, which means they are conflicts that never get resolved and happen over and over again. These conflicts are usually based on character and behavior differences between the two people that irritate the other person. Most of these differences are in a person's subconscious programming and innate wiring, and most are not going to change. I am talking about things like being late all the time or not being organized. If you want to have a rich and healthy relationship you are going to have to accept some of these things about your partner and quit trying to fundamentally change them. You are going to have to choose to love who they are. That doesn't mean you can't bring up behaviors that bother you; but if you decide to do that, you better take stock of your own faults, flaws and quirks first. You must decide to forgive your spouse some of their flaws and quirks because you want some of yours forgiven too. You must be more accepting and less critical, let small irritating things go, and try to laugh at the funny ways you are wired differently. Note: This article does not address relationships where abuse is happening. It is directed to those who have run of the mill conflicts, arguments, offenses and irritations with their partner, but there is no emotional, mental or physical abuse happening. If abuse, infidelity, dishonesty, cruelty, or other problems are in play, acceptance is not the answer and you should seek a mental health professional. Here are some things you can do to become more accepting of your partner and reduce the perennial conflicts.
You can do this. This was first published on KSL.com
Question: My spouse and I keep getting in these fights where she does something like ignores me when I am trying to talk to her, and this offends me and I get angry and slam a door, which really offends her and makes her feel attacked, which starts a big fight that lasts all week. The fight morphs and quickly becomes about who treats who worse. And in this drawn out fight, no one wins. After days of being mad and miserable we will start to move past it, but only until one of us offends the other again. What can we do to break this cycle of offending each other? Answer: The root cause of these fights is you both functioning in a fear state where you feel unsafe with each other, and this is making you wear what I call "mistreatment glasses." Mistreatment glasses means you are subconsciously looking for mistreatment and offenses that will prove that you aren't safe with your partner and that they are the "bad one." Whatever you are looking for you will find. If you are looking for mistreatment, you will find it. If you are looking for proof your partner loves you, you will find that too. Unfortunately, almost all of us feel unsafe in the world (at the subconscious level), and this keeps us on the defensive a lot of the time. When you feel unsafe, your ego steps up to try and protect you. It does this through defensiveness and casting the other person as the bad one. That is why it feels like a win (to your ego) when you can show that your partner treated you worse and you are the victim. But this is really not a win; no one wins when you get offended by small things and always see your partner as the enemy. Below is a process you can use when someone offends you. Following it will help you step back out of ego to see the situation more accurately and respond more maturely. Note: In this article I am only addressing how to deal with the garden variety of arguments, not situations that involve abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has information on how to identify the warning signs of abuse and how one can get help. See the other person's bad behavior accurately When someone behaves badly or offends you, there are four possible reasons for this behavior. Knowing them will help you accurately access what is happening in each situation. The four reasons people behave badly:
If this offense happened for any of the other three reasons, you must step back, stop taking this personally, and choose to not get offended — because it isn't about you. They don't feel safe in the world, and a person who doesn't feel safe has no choice but to focus on finding a sense of safety; they aren't capable of anything else. They may need some professional help to work on their fears around not being good enough and things not being right. So, the negative coping behaviors can be negated. Be responsible for your response to the offense You are responsible for your reactions and responses, and this should be your only concern. It is the only thing you have control over and the only thing that matters now. You must choose to respond with love, not fear. If you get defensive and respond from a fear state, you are now doing the exact same thing the other person did to you. You are demonstrating fear-based bad behavior, and responding badly back is just as bad as responding badly first. It's the same bad behavior driven by the same cause. Respond to an offense with love Offenses and your reactions happen fast though, so you will need to practice and prepare ahead of time to be able to remember these steps in the heat of the moment. You might want to read through this procedure daily or replay past offenses that you reacted badly to, running through these steps to see what you should have done. Procedure for reacting to offenses:
You and your partner may also need some coaching or counseling to work on the underlying fear issues that cause you to feel unsafe with each other. I find most couples who fight a lot need individual coaching to get their subconscious fears under control before they can create a healthy relationship. Always be willing to take this on and work on yourself. You can do this. This was first published on ksl.com
Question: I am in a wonderful relationship. I feel very loved, and I love her. We respect each other’s differences and appreciate them. However, something has recently come up: my partner has started smoking socially. I am a religious person and she is not, but that doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is that she is a recovering addict and she’s been sober for two years, but I’m afraid she is going to use smoking to replace her old vice. Would I be controlling or rude if I told her I was concerned by her smoking? She is pretty stressed right now, and I want to help her, but I can’t stand thinking that she’s going to develop another harmful habit. Answer: It sounds like what you're asking is how to give negative feedback about another person’s problem or bad habit without making them feel defensive or attacked. Here are some tips and a very soft approach to making these tricky conversations easier. Treat the other person as an equal When you treat the other person as an equal, you do not talk down to them. We all have a subconscious tendency to see bad behavior in another person as making them "less good" than we are, and we might accidentally come across as thinking we are "better" if we aren’t careful. It is important that you remember that even though you don’t have this problem or bad habit, you have others. You are not perfect. You have faults and flaws too. Make sure you see the other person as an equal and make them feel honored and respected for their right to be where they are. Remember, they have the same value as you. Don’t talk down or be patronizing. Focus on gaining understanding Go into the conversation with your only agenda being to gain understanding and make the other person feel valued. Don’t have an agenda around changing or fixing them; if you do, they will pick up on this and likely get defensive from the start. Go into this conversation with the primary goal of showing them you care about, honor and respect them. You can have a topic in mind — in this case, to understand more about their smoking — but with no agenda around it. Ask for permission to approach the subject Ask the other person if they would be willing to have a conversation about smoking so you can know and love them better. Go ahead and let them know the topic you want to talk about, but reassure them that you are going to really listen and will not lecture, push your opinions, or interrupt. Make sure they feel safe with you. If you have not been a good listener in the past, you might have to apologize for that and ask them to please give you another chance to show up better. Ask non-judgmental questions Ask them questions about what they think and feel around the topic but make sure the questions don’t sound judgmental. Questions like: "Why in the world would you want to smoke? and "Don’t you know how damaging it is?" are judgmental questions. Instead, try something like "I really want to understand about smoking, I guess I don’t really understand the appeal. Would you be willing to educate me and help me understand why you like it? I promise my asking is not from judgment, but just from wanting to understand you so I can support you better. Would you tell me about what it does for you?" Notice the lack of agenda in that? The other person is not going to be honest and share their feelings if they feel you are going to make them feel wrong or bad. They have to feel they have a safe place to share. Don't agree or disagree Don't agree or disagree with what the other person says. Simply listen and validate their right to be where they are and feel the way they do. Say things like, "I can totally see why you might feel that way. Tell me more about that." Remember, you can disagree with what they say or think and still validate their right to feel the way they do. If you strongly disagree with their views, bite your tongue and don’t go there yet. Be open to making your own changes If you want someone to hear you, listen to your views, and possibly change their viewpoint or behavior, you must first show them you are also open to changing yours (you might want to read that again). This is the crucial piece. If you are stubbornly dug into your being right, they are going to do the same. If they can feel that you are open to learning, understanding, and even being wrong, they can let their defenses come down because they are safe to do so. They likely will be more open, too. You may have to prove that you are this open by actually bending and admitting you are learning some things here that make you rethink your position. Ask to share your views After the other person has had awhile to really explain their views, and they feel heard and validated, then and only then can you ask permission to share your views. Ask them if they know that you love them and only want the best for them. Ask them if they know you are coming from a position of only love, not judgment. Very respectfully ask them if they would be willing to let you share some of your concerns about smoking and why it scares you. Let them know if they don’t feel comfortable hearing your views on this, that is OK too. This makes this a real question, not a rhetorical one. If they say they are not open to hearing your views, you must say, "OK, I respect that" and walk away. Your willingness to honor their answer builds trust in the relationship. Follow 2 simple rules When the other person is ready to listen to you, follow these two simple rules:
Love, encourage and validate If a person feels you are trying to change them, they will always resist changing. If they feel your unconditional love and support, and if you express concern from love and caring (not judgment) and are willing to listen, understand, and even learn something you didn’t know, they will be more open. The best way to get someone to change something about themselves is through encouragement and positive validation. You could watch for times that she makes good health choices and tell her how awesome she is that she cares about her health and makes those choices. Let her know you admire the way she quit her previous addictive behavior and that you really love and respect her for that (without saying anything about smoking). If you make these comments every once in awhile, she might want to live up to your highest opinion of her and decide to change her habits on her own because she wants to be that person that you see. Remember, though, you must stay out of judgment and let go of the idea that you are right and she is wrong. Show up with total respect for her and her choices, and just focus on understanding and supporting her. This approach is not controlling or rude as long as you are sincere. You can do this. This was first published on KSL.COM
I had a client ask me about the anatomy of the argument they keep having over and over throughout their marriage. They have noticed that other couples say the same thing: they always argue over the same thing or around the same basic issue. So, I thought that maybe I would explain a simple way to take apart that argument and see what is really happening. The first thing you need to understand is that fear is in play. I believe there are two fears we all battle with every day, and have done so since we were small children. They are the fear of failure (that I might not be good enough) and the fear of loss (that I am not safe). We all experience both of these, but each person has one that is more dominant. Find the fear When thinking about your most common argument, it’s important to figure out which fear is in play for each of you. Ask the following questions to determine which fear is dominant for you, and then for your partner. Fear of failure questions
Fear of loss questions
Study the fight The reason it is important to know a person’s core fear is that once you understand where their fear is based, you also know the key trigger that knocks them out of balance and brings out their bad behavior. Most of your arguments will be the same basic fear getting triggered. People who are fear-of-failure dominant get offended when they feel judged, criticized, rejected, unloved, abandoned or insulted. People who are fear-of-loss dominant get offended when they feel taken from, mistreated, disregarded, disrespected or like they are losing something. Think back on your most common argument or disagreement you have with a person. Which one of the above offenses happened first? Someone started this argument when they felt one of those things. Can you see which fear was in play first? When their first fear was triggered, the person reacted and behaved in a way that triggered the other person’s fear. Can you see which fear that was? Whenever you react from fear, the behavior that results is almost always selfish and focused solely on protecting yourself. This behavior makes the other person feel unsafe. When you are so focused on protecting yourself, you are not going to be thinking about protecting the other person. It is important that you can see behavior that the first person displayed, or what they said that got the second person triggered, too. What did the first person’s behavior make the second person feel? Did they feel ...
See the solution It is critical to understand the anatomy of these arguments so you can see the solution. At the end of the day, you both just want to feel safe, loved, respected, admired and wanted by your partner. This argument is really about the fact that you don’t feel that way. So, the answer to ending this argument for good is to learn how to make your partner feel safe, loved, respected, admired and wanted when they first get triggered. What if you could pause right at the beginning of the argument, when the first trigger happens, and ask yourself:
Mary and John Let me give you an example of how this works: Mary and her husband John live on a tight budget and are very careful in stretching their paycheck to the end of the month. John opens the fridge and finds a bag of salad that has gone bad and has to be thrown out. He turns to Mary and in anger says "That is just great! Why didn’t you use this before it sat in the fridge and rotted? What’s the matter with you?" Mary yells back, "Why do you have to be such a jerk? You are the worst husband ever." The argument escalates from there. Let’s take this one apart: This argument started when John got triggered by fear of loss. He was already worried about not having enough money this month, and seeing food go bad triggered that fear. But notice that he doesn’t see it as a money fear problem; he inaccurately sees it as Mary’s problem. So, he aimed his bad reaction right at Mary, insulting and verbally attacking her. This, of course, triggered Mary’s fear of failure, as John was accusing her of being careless and wasteful. But instead of recognizing what John’s fear was really about (the money fear), she goes on the defense and attacks him back. Now, both John and Mary feel unsafe with each other and instead of addressing the actual fear issue, they have made the argument about each other. Conclusion The truth is that most bad behavior is a cry for help, love or reassurance because the person is scared of something; it’s always more about the person’s fears about themselves than it is about you. People who are grouchy and rude and attack you for small mistakes, or right out of the blue, are usually battling a huge fear that they aren’t good enough; however, they aren't conscious of that, so they project their self-hate onto you, which is easier for them than facing it. Many people who feel mistreated, taken from, or are easily offended are really angry at life for disappointing them. They can’t punish life for their losses, so they project the problem onto everyone around them. If you can start stepping back and looking at each argument through this filter, you will find they are easier to understand and resolve than you think. You can do this. |
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These articles were originally published on KSL.COM
Kimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio. Archives
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