Question:

I worked hard for 48 years, now I am retired and drawing a pension. My question to you is, “Is it normal to have feelings of guilt for being retired?” Most days I can do chores, projects or whatever comes along, without a thought of guilt. Then all of a sudden I feel guilty about this money I am getting, when I’m not doing anything to earn it. How do I get to the point where I don’t feel embarrassed or guilty about being retired?

Answer:

You must change the way you see your situation and consciously choose to replace feelings of guilt with something more productive.

There are situations where experiencing guilt is appropriate and productive, namely when you do something wrong or mistreat someone. In these situations, a little guilt is a good thing because it motivates you to change, but experiencing guilt when you have done nothing wrong is not appropriate and doesn’t serve anyone.

Feeling a sense of guilt because you aren’t working for a living (when you have worked hard your entire life to get here) is unproductive guilt and a waste of energy. it also prevents you from showing up for other people. Your guilt keeps you focused on yourself and your fear of not being good enough, and in this place you might not see other people and their needs.

You cannot experience guilt and love at the same time. Guilt is about you, love is about other people. The fastest way out of guilt is to focus on your love for someone else.

Your guilt may also be tied to your fears of what other people think of you. If other people (and their judgment of you) weren’t in the mix, you might not feel guilty at all.

If this is true for you, remember people who judge you are usually jealous or worried they won’t get what you have. This fear of loss may, at times, cause them to cast you as the bad guy (because it subconsciously makes them feel better) but that doesn’t make it true. You are not a bad person because your situation makes them feel insecure or unsafe.

The way they choose to feel about your situation is not your problem.

You have no control over how they choose to feel, and it is not your responsibility to feel guilty so they feel better. It would be more productive for you to focus on validating, caring about and encouraging these people, choosing love instead of fear.

You may also need to work on your self-esteem. You might see yourself as less valuable because you aren’t working anymore. You may have used your job as your main source of validation and without it your sense of self-worth may have taken a hit. You may need to work on reinventing a new sense of self-worth around who you are now. (You may want to get some help from a coach or counselor to do this.)

The following is my recipe for increasing self-esteem and eliminating non-productive guilt:

1) Get busy doing productive things, learning and growing every day. If you stay active and constantly work on improving yourself, your life will have purpose and meaning.

2) Give yourself permission to be a work in progress (a student in the classroom of life). Choose to believe there are no mistakes, only perfect lessons. Embrace the lessons and let guilt and shame go.

3) Trust that your value isn’t on the line and what other people think of you is irrelevant. If they are jealous or judgmental, it is because they are afraid for themselves. It has nothing to do with you. Choose to love them instead of feeling guilty.

4) Choose to see yourself and your value accurately. Choose to see other people as the same as you (not better or worse). Choose to remember your value is infinite and absolute no matter what anyone thinks or does. Your value is the same whether you are working or not.

5) Focus on loving, validating and lifting other people, especially the people who judge you. Push the limits of your love and validate the people you think don’t need it and the people who think they are better than you. You will feel powerful and amazing when you do this.

6) Ask yourself this question often, “Does this attitude serve me or anyone else?” If the answer is no, immediately replace your negative thoughts with something that does serve you. Try gratitude, love or trust.

You have the power to choose your attitude in every moment, make sure you are claiming that power and consciously choosing a productive mindset. You are the one who gets to decide how you will feel about your life. You will stop feeling guilty — as soon as you decide not to.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a life coach and speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

SALT LAKE CITY — Do you find yourself apologizing often? Life Coach Kim Giles gives advice to people who say I'm sorry too often. This is a self-esteem, fear issue and can cause problems in your relationships. Coach Kim gives simple tips for changing this behavior.

Question:

I got sick and had to go to the emergency room in the middle of the night. The whole time I kept apologizing to my husband. I felt bad that he had to spend the whole night sitting in the ER waiting to find out what was wrong with me. He was supportive the whole time and never acted put out, but I kept apologizing. He finally got mad at me and asked me to stop. I didn’t notice how often I apologized until then. Now, I realize I say it all the time. Why do I do this, why did it bother him and how can I stop?

Answer:

Saying sorry is polite when you actually do something wrong, but apologizing all the time, over things that aren’t your fault or aren’t even in your control, can cause problems in your relationships.

When you apologize too much, it shows people that you don’t trust them and their love for you. It also says you need their approval to feel safe. I think your husband was frustrated because you basically didn't trust him.

Over-apologizing is also a sign of co-dependence — the need to have other people happy, to feel of value. When you are in this place you aren’t really thinking about the other person. You are entirely focused on your fear and need for approval. This behavior may appear loving and concerned about others, but it is actually selfish and focused on you.

The first step to changing this behavior is understanding why you behave this way. See if any of the following reasons hit a cord with you:

1) You may just be co-dependent and have a tendency to carry responsibility for things that aren’t your responsibility (like other people’s happiness). You may think it is your job to make sure everyone else is comfortable all the time, but it’s not. Trying to carry this is unrealistic and it bothers people.

2) You may have suffered some kind of abuse in your past and you may be subconsciously terrified of making other people mad at you. (This still happens to me on occasion, by the way.) If you were ever emotionally or physically abused, you walked on eggshells, constantly checking to make sure didn't make anyone mad. You may now project this fear onto other people, who don’t deserve it.

3) You may think self-deprecation is righteous, polite behavior. You may actually think it is good manners to over-apologize. Though it feels polite, over-apologizing is selfish and about getting approval, so it is more likely to make people lose respect for you.

Did any of those sound familiar?

Once you understand why you over-apologize, you must learn to see yourself and other people accurately, and let go of your need for approval. Here are four things you can work on to change this behavior:

1) You must trust that your value (as an irreplaceable, one-of-a-kind divine soul) is infinite and absolute and does not change. You are always good enough, no matter what anyone thinks of you. When you trust this truth, you won’t need approval to feel okay. You will feel okay all the time. People respect and admire this kind of confidence.

2) You must remember that every situation is in your life to teach you something. It is also the perfect learning experience for the people around you. They are supposed to be having this experience, so you must step back and let them have it. You can always express your love and appreciation for them, though, which is what you should have done at the hospital.

3) In every situation you must step back and check your responsibility. Get out a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On one side, write down everything that is in your control and is your responsibility, and write everything that’s not on the other. This should give you some clarity. Remember, you are not responsible for how other people choose to feel about a situation. That is their problem.

4) Ask yourself some clarifying questions: “Did I do something either intentionally or unintentionally that warrants an apology? Am I scared the other people or person involved won’t like me or will get mad at me? Is this justified? Or am I applying my fear where it doesn’t belong?”

I realize that things happen fast in the moment, though. You won’t have time to stop and think through all these questions every time something happens. So, the best way to practice is to replay past situations in your mind, and run through the questions in regards to those situations. This counts as practice. The more you do this, the faster your brain will get it.

If you continue to experience this problem, you may want to consider a little professional coaching or counseling to work on your self-esteem and trust issues. A little professional help can make a huge difference.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

I enjoyed your articles about forgiving other people, but how do you forgive yourself and move on when you have made many mistakes? That is what I struggle with.

Answer:

You are not alone. Most of us hold on to past mistakes and let them affect our self-esteem for way too long. This is not healthy and does not serve anyone. Here are eight suggestions that may help you to forgive yourself:

1. Choose to see past experiences as locations on your journey through life, instead of letting them define who you are

If you were on a road trip and drove through Texas, would the time you spent there make you a Texan? Of course not. It was just the location you drove through; it doesn’t change who you are. Your value is the same no matter what you experience along your journey. Mistakes teach you important lessons, but they don’t define who you are — at least they don't have to. You can see them as locations on your journey if you choose to.

2. Give yourself permission to be a work in progress

Choose to see life as a classroom, not a testing center. You have the option to believe that your value isn’t on the line here and you are not being graded — you are just here to learn and grow. Seeing life as a classroom helps you focus on the lessons so you can forgive yourself and try to do better next time.

3. Understand how pointless shame is

I believe "shame" stands for: should have already mastered everything. That is ridiculous. You are a student in the classroom of life. There is no way could know it all, all the time. Give yourself permission to be an imperfect work in progress. You are learning and growing and that is enough.

4. Figuratively get rid of it for good

You could write it down on paper and burn it. You could write what you did, put it in a box and bury it in the backyard. Then make a rule that you can’t bring it up again, unless you dig the box up first. (This exercise is great for couples who keep fighting about the past too.) Bury that stuff deep and let it die there. There is no sense wasting energy on things you can’t change. Focus on the future instead.

5. Learn some new skills

Focus on making your future brighter. This is in your control. Be present and find ways to improve yourself daily. Learning new skills is great for your self-esteem.

6. Imagine there is a dark room in your house where you can stash negative thoughts and emotions

Every time negative thoughts show up, which aren't worth processing anymore, visualize putting them in the dark room and slamming the door. You can always go in there, if you need to process it some more and dwell in self-pity. But you could also leave the negativity in the dark room forever. This empowers you to have control over what to do with those feelings.

7. Clean out your closets and your house

Most people, who hold on to old stuff, are also holding on to old ways of thinking and feeling. When you get rid of your old stuff, you can send your old beliefs, mistakes and fears out with it. Cleaning your house out will make you feel fresh and new on every level.

8. Change it up and try new things

Break out of your old ruts and change some things. Try new outfit combinations, new foods, new restaurants, new sports or new kinds of movies. The more you break out of routine and change it up, you will also open yourself up to feel differently about yourself and your life.

Steve Maraboli, in his book "Life, the Truth, and Being Free," said “Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.” The past is out of your control; there is nothing you can do to change it. Let it go.

Choose joy for today.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

My husband and I both have kids from previous marriages, and blending our families has been hard. We fight all the time, usually about his kids not getting along with my kids, his kids wrecking things, me not treating his kids good enough, or him spending too much time with his ex and her family. (I think he spends an abnormal amount of time with them.) I don’t know how to handle any of these issues, and they are tearing us apart. Can you offer some advice?

Answer:

Blending families is a really difficult endeavor and not for the faint of heart. I know — I am in a second marriage situation with kids myself, so I speak from experience.

There is a reason that 70 percent of second marriages fail, and the odds are even worse when children are involved. Making a step-family work is a huge challenge, but you can significantly improve your odds of making it if you get some help, plan ahead, and get educated so your expectations are realistic.

Studies have shown that 80 percent of couples entering a second marriage do nothing up front to prepare themselves for the complexities of the challenge. They think their love should be enough to get them through the difficulties.

Let me set the record straight right now: It isn’t.

You must get educated about step-families if you are going to make it. I highly recommend getting some books about step-families, attending seminars and classes, or getting some professional help to work through the challenging issues. Things will go much smoother when you know what you are doing and have a plan to deal with the challenges.

Here are some other tips that may help:

Improve your communication skills. This is the most important thing you must do.You must learn to have mutually validating conversations with your spouse and have them often. Couples who know how to communicate with respect, in a loving way, can solve almost any problem. There is an article I wrote for KSL.com that will help you understand what that looks like. Click on the link to read it.

If you are unhappy with how much time your husband spends with his ex and her family, you need to talk about it and figure out what amount of time you would feel comfortable with. If you still can’t reach a compromise on this issue (and the many other issues that cause the fighting), you may need some professional help with your relationship skills.

Make the house rules, as a couple, ahead of time. You must be a united front and decide on rules, consequences, job sharing, conflict resolution and responsibilities ahead of time. Successful step-parents are always united on decisions and discuss their disagreements in private. They are a cohesive team in front of the children, so it is clear they cannot be played off each other.

Couples should decide on the rules together, but the natural parent should be the one to dish out the discipline to their child. If the natural parent isn’t present, the step-parent can remind the child of the house rules and the consequences in a very loving and calm manner. If you can't speak to your step-children with kindness and respect, you need to get some help to change this.

Children deserve respect, understanding and kindness even when they mis-behave. If you treat children this way, they will respect you back. If you behave immaturely, lose control, yell and berate children, they will lose respect for you.

Give everyone some time to learn how to handle this complex situation. Your spouse has never been a step-parent before and neither have you, so you both need some time to figure this out. You must be patient and not expect your spouse to have all the answers and do everything right, right away.

Don’t rush the process of blending. Everyone needs time to get used to this new way of life. You must let each child set the pace for how close they want to be to the new step-parent and when. Don’t worry if they pull back at times; they are fighting a battle of loyalties that often confuses them. Don’t take their moving slow personally. It takes years to build strong relationships of trust.

Make sure you treat all the children the same. Feeling cheated, short-changed or left out is a common problem in step-families. Make things fair and the same, as much as possible.

Insist on mutual respect for everyone. Not everyone has to like each other, but they do have to respect each other. If you are going to make your step-family work, children must respect the adults in the home, and the adults must respect the children. This means listening to their thoughts and feelings and respecting their right to feel the way they do. Respect must happen in every interaction.

This will not be an easy road. It will test your love and patience on a daily basis, but you can do it, if you are both committed and open to getting some help.

There are many other great articles about step-family dynamics on KSL.com. Check some of them out:

Step-families: The odds are against us

Committed couples can make step-families work

Tips for making a blended family work

Many families underestimate the difficulty of remarriage

LIFEadvice: Dealing with a difficult ex-spouse 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.