The Christmas season always encourages more loving thoughts – at least for a few weeks. I’d like to share an idea that might make your “Christmas attitude change” last a little longer.

I encourage you to take a closer look at the story of Christ’s birth this year. Even if you are not religious, there was an important message delivered that night in Bethlehem, which you may have missed.

The moment Christ was born the angels appeared to shepherds watching their flocks by night. The angels delivered this often overlooked message of Christmas in the first two words they said.

They said, “Fear not… For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.”

What you may have missed are these words: “Fear not.”

I used to think the angels said “Fear not” because the appearance of Heavenly personages may have startled the poor shepherds and they were worried about frightening them — but now I think the words have deeper meaning.

Our journey through mortality is a scary endeavor. Before the Savior's birth and subsequent sacrifice on the cross, it was also a journey without hope. We had no hope of returning to live with God. Life was a testing center and even one mistake meant failing the test.

We had much to fear.

The angels, because they understood this concept, knew that Christ’s birth marked the end of that fear. Mankind was now safe. Christ and his sacrifice would change life from a testing center into a classroom. Now we could approach life without the fear of failing.

Think about what that means.

How would your life be different if you had no fear?

Because of Christ, your journey is now a safe one. When you make a mistake (which happens daily), you can repent and try again. You can keep repenting, trying, learning and growing throughout your life with no fear about not making the grade. Your life is a classroom.

Now, you can focus on the lessons each experience is here to teach you and know your value is not on the line. You have nothing to fear about not being good enough. You are good enough right now, through Christ.

Whew.

Even if you don't believe in Jesus Christ, this can completely change your attitude toward every part of your life because, as it is, you spend way too much time worrying about not being good enough.

All of your immature or selfish behavior is tied to this fear. This fear is the reason you lose your temper, say unkind things or decide to protect yourself instead of serving someone else. Fear is involved in all of your problems.

When you are afraid you’re not good enough, your focus is on you. You are worried about getting love and validation. This insecurity is a selfish place to live from. In this state you cannot build healthy relationships because you can’t really focus on other people.

If your marriage is struggling, fear is most likely the problem. Both parties may be focused on getting love instead of giving it. If your marriage is drowning in fear, there can be no love.

You cannot have love and fear at the same time. They are opposites. You can either feel scared and focus on you, or you can feel safe and focus on others. It’s an either/or situation.

Who do you want to be? A scared person or a loving one?

It is only when you have no fear that the best you can show up. In a state of no fear, you can genuinely love and serve other people. Love happens when you stop worrying about proving your value and focus on edifying others instead.

My wish for you this Christmas is that you will accept Christ and do as the angels said and “fear not.”

Go forward into this New Year with confidence and peace. You have nothing to fear.

Your value is infinite and absolute. You don’t need attention or validation from others. You know who you are. Focus on giving love and validation to others and edify people wherever you go instead.

Stop trying to earn your value through your appearance, your work or the things you own. These are not who you are. Focus on being the love in every room instead. Your love for other people is who you are.

Everywhere you go, look for opportunities for random acts of kindness. Make this year the year you lead with love. Let this Christmas message change your attitude all year long.

This one change could change your life.

Merry Christmas. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and speaker. Watch her LIFEadvice segments on KSL TV Monday mornings at 6:15am

During the holiday season people are already prone to depression, but watching other people spend money on things you can’t afford can push some over the egde.

This time of year, many people leave the mall feeling depressed. Many experience feelings of inadequacy while shopping. Let’s face it: The mall can make you feel out of style and inferior.

One shopper told me she feels good about how she looks everywhere else, but when she sees herself in the mirror at the mall, she is always discouraged. She usually leaves feelings bad about the things she doesn't have.

We, as human beings, have a tendency to focus on what we lack. The problem is, this lack and the feelings of unhappiness it brings are not satisfied when you buy things.

Any satisfaction you feel when you buy something new is quickly replaced by the need for other things you still don’t have.

You can't win at this game.

Is shopping mall depression a problem for you?

• Do you experience jealously over what other people have?
• Do you think people who have more than you are better than you?
• Do you use shopping as a pain killer? Do you buy things to feel better?
• Do you base your self-esteem on how you look and what you wear?

If so, it's time to start basing your self-worth on the right things. You cannot get healthy self-esteem at a store. Choosing better thoughts can make shopping a more positive experience.

Tips for better self esteem while shopping

1. Don’t compare yourself with other people while at the mall. Having more stuff doesn’t make one person better than another. Your value comes from who you are on the inside.
2. Choose gratitude for what you have instead of focusing on what you don’t have. Try to notice people who seem worse off than you, and count your blessings.
3. Give yourself permission to be a work in progress. Don’t expect perfection in any area of your life. Life is about learning, growing and changing. You aren’t done yet.
4. Make the time to take care of yourself. Give yourself permission to do things you enjoy. Buy yourself a treat. If you don’t value you, no one else will.
5. Shift your focus to lifting and loving other people. If you focus on edifying other people everywhere you go, you will feel fantastic about who you are. While at the mall, look for opportunities to perform random acts of kindness. Find one person you can do something nice for while you’re there.
6. Focus on the good qualities and traits you possess. Are you a good friend? Are you loyal, honest, kind, compassionate? Are you a person who stops to help other people? Are you responsible, smart, clever or creative? These attributes are “who you are.” Choose to get your self-worth from these traits instead of from external "stuff."
7. Don’t compare yourself with the images in the media. These pictures are air-brushed. They are not real. The person in the picture is not really that beautiful and probably can’t afford the clothes they are wearing, either.
8. Choose to trust that your value isn’t on the line. Self-worth isn’t something you have to earn. Your value is infinite and absolute and comes from the fact that you are a completely unique and irreplaceable human being. You are good enough right now.
9. Choose to be around people who are not focused on material things. Choose friends who understand that “stuff’ isn’t who you are. Stop or limit your associations with anyone that is inherently critical, materialistic or judgmental.
10. Ask Santa for some help for your self-esteem. There are many professionals who specialize in building confidence and eliminating fear. Some sessions of coaching or counseling would make a great gift this year.

Remember, Christmas is supposed to be about love, not shopping. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and entertaining speaker.

Holiday depression can be caused by a number of factors, including fears about the economy, fears about being good enough, or fears of loneliness caused by divorce, separation or death of a loved one. Other people have stress because of unrealistic expectations about how their holiday celebrations should look. Most of these problems are rooted in fear.

There are many solutions to these kinds of feelings but, in the end, happiness and fear are a matter of choice: You get to choose what you will focus on.

You can focus on the negative situations in your life, you can focus on what you’re afraid might happen — or you can focus on love.

In order to experience happiness this Christmas, you must escape fear and choose love instead. Love is the answer.

It may sound idealistic, but love is actually a practical solution because it is the opposite of fear. Fear is all about you, while love is about giving to other people. When you focus on love, fear disappears. You cannot experience love and fear at the same time.

Choose to focus on love for yourself, life, God and other people this Christmas. When you make this choice, your perspective on everything will change. It has to.

“Are you willing to believe that love is the strongest thing in the world — stronger than hate, stronger than evil, stronger than death — and that the blessed life which began in Bethlehem 1,900 years ago is the image and brightness of Love? Then you can keep Christmas,” wrote author and clergyman Henry van Dyke in his famous sermon "Keeping Christmas."

I believe the true message of Christmas — of Christ’s birth — was delivered to the shepherds watching their flocks by night, the moment baby Jesus was born. Angels appeared to them and said, “Fear not ... For unto you is born this day, in the city of David, a savior who is Christ the Lord.”

The angel told you to “fear not.” Remember, your value is not on the line. You are safe in this journey in life. God wants you back no matter what. You are good enough right now. You have nothing to fear. You are right on track in your process of learning.

Once you know you are safe, you can set aside the worries and focus on love.

Here are some ways you can choose love and create happiness this holiday season:

• Plan or participate in social gatherings. Once you’re there, focus on making other people feel valued and cared about. Ask lots of questions and listen to them. This is one of the most powerful ways to make people feel loved. When you make others feel loved, you feel fantastic.
• Engage in service projects and get the focus off you. Reaching out to others makes you feel wonderful about yourself because you are, in fact, being the highest, best you.
• Stay within your financial means this Christmas. Additional debt will hang over you and rob the fun from your season.
• Spend time with positive people. Don’t hang out with complainers. Misery loves company, but it doesn’t have to be yours.
• Focus on gratitude. Gratitude is the most powerful positive emotion there is. Start a gratitude journal and write in it daily. Appreciate the small things.
• Take care of yourself. Take time to do things that bring you joy or relaxation. You are not selfish when you choose to do things for yourself; you are being a well-balanced wise person.
• Plan something special to look forward to after the holidays. Having something to look forward to and work toward makes it easier to get through the rough days.
• Have realistic expectations. Your holiday isn’t going to look like a Rockwell painting and it doesn’t have to look perfect to be perfect. Lower your standards and focus more on loving people instead.
• You may want to ask Santa for some life coaching or counseling this year. It’s amazing what a little professional help can do for your self esteem.
• Last of all, smile. The best holiday decoration is to be wreathed in smiles.

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker.

Question:

We seriously dread the holidays. For us it means family parties, drama, arguments and hurt feelings. It's a tradition we can't escape. My family can't get together without fighting and my spouse's family is even worse. Yet they both manipulate us with guilt into spending time with them. Do you have any advice for surviving the holiday parties with our relatives?

Answer:

I have a feeling you are not alone on this. According to a MailOnline article, 30 percent of people celebrating Christmas with their relatives admitted they’d rather be elsewhere. For many people, family gatherings are a huge source of tension.

George Burns once said, “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family … in another city.”

Family parties become even more stressful when relatives have experienced problems like divorce or a lost job during the year. These situations can make people even more sensitive and easy to offend. (This has been a rough year for many people, so watch out.)

The study mentioned above also showed that for 60 percent of us, the most stressful thing about the holidays is not credit card debt or buying presents, it’s deciding which side of the family to spend the day with.

Here are some ideas to rule your yule:

• Don’t overcommit yourself. Sit down with your partner ahead of time and decide which parties would make the holidays peaceful and fun for you.
  
  
• Start a new low-stress tradition, like spending the holidays with one family this year and rotate next year. Or, you could set aside a date to spend time with each family before or after the holiday, but save Christmas Day for you and your spouse. If you choose this, it doesn’t make you selfish; you are making the choice to build bonds in your own immediate family, not your extended family. Just let your families know well in advance that you won’t be visiting. Making plans ahead of time softens the blow and let’s them change their expectations. Last- minute rejections hurt.
  
  
• If you decide to attend the family party, then go with a good attitude. If you spend the day grouchy and resentful, no one wins.

Here are a few tips for surviving family parties with a smile:

• Remember, you are not responsible for other people’s happiness. If they choose to complain, ignore them.
  
  
• Create an emergency hand signal and arrange with your spouse to rescue you from annoying relatives.
  
  
• Use place cards and arrange seating to keep touchy family members away from each other.
  
  
• Be patient and let unkind comments roll off. Remember, all bad behavior is a request for love. The worse the behavior, the more that person needs love and validation. Treat them with kindness, even when they don’t deserve it.
  
  
• Don’t take anything personally. If someone says something mean, let it go. It’s not really about you. It’s about their fear and low self-esteem. They may have to put down others to feel good enough. Choose not to be offended. Let them keep their yucky energy to themselves.
  
  
• Ask lots of questions and let other people talk. Allowing another person to do the talking makes them feel valued at the deepest level. Be someone who cares enough to listen. If someone offers unsolicited advice, just thank them. People give advice to make them feel important too. Again, it’s not about you. Don’t waste time being bothered by it.
  
  
• If you are the one who has a tendency to say the wrong things, keep your mouth full of holiday snacks and don’t talk too much — but look for low-fat food options. Remember, a closed mouth gathers no foot.
  
  
• Don’t drink too much.
  
  
• Avoid sarcasm and correcting or criticizing anyone.
  
  
• Avoid telling a story to top someone else’s.
  
  
• If something goes without saying, let it.
  
  
• Pay lots of compliments. Compliment everyone at the party. If you focus on giving to others, you won’t get caught up worrying about yourself.
  
  
• Be the love in the room. Be there to make others feel loved and valued. Don’t worry about whether they love you — be there to give.
  
  
• Don’t try to convert or lecture anyone on your ideas and opinions.
• Don’t bring up controversial topics like politics or religion. If this is always an issue, you may want to think of some safe topics of conversation ahead of time.

If you think you have the goofiest, craziest, most messed up family in the world, remember that almost everyone feels the same way — and messed up as they are, these people are in your life for a reason: They are probably in your life to help you become a better person.

Ask yourself what dealing with your family members could teach you. How could you step it up and show more love and compassion? How could you be a better person?

Make each family gathering a contest to see how loving, mature and calm you can be. You will at least feel good about yourself on the way home.

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com.
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