This was first published on ksl.com

Many of us were taught as children things like "make others happy," "be nice," "be unselfish," and "sacrificing yourself for other people is righteous." We were taught to be afraid of what others think of us and to avoid conflict at all costs.

Were you accidentally or intentionally taught these things as a child?

See if any of the following sound like you:

• You fear rejection and abandonment.
• You fear conflict and arguments, as they make you feel unsafe.
• You pretend you agree with others to avoid argument or debate.
• You fear being seen as or actually being selfish.
• You are overly easygoing and never opinionated because it feels safer.
• You fear disappointment and having others think less of you.
• You are a very compassionate person and a giver.
• Your self-esteem is weak and you need validation from others to feel valued.
• You experience stress, anxiety and a lack of willpower around others.

If you related to many of these, it would be safe to say you have people-pleasing tendencies that are probably creating a lack of authenticity in your life. You probably struggle to know who you are and find fulfillment in your relationships.

The following are suggestions for what you can do to start changing yourself to become more authentic and in control of your life.
​
Don't commit to anything on the spot

Make it your rule that you always say, "Can I check my calendar and get back to you?" Then step back and ask yourself, "Do I really want to do this, or am I saying 'yes' out of guilt, obligation or a fear of rejection or judgment?" If you can say "yes" because you truly want to do it, say "yes." If you are saying "yes" because of fear, you must say "no."

Practice saying 'no'

Look for every opportunity to get more comfortable with saying "no." You are not selfish or a bad person if you occasionally choose your own happiness and possibly disappoint others. Watch for opportunities to show kind assertiveness. Kindly say, "No, I don't want to do that right now. Thanks, though." Practice saying "no" with no explanation about why so the other person can't try to persuade you.

Try saying 'I don't' instead of 'I can't'

When some people hear the words "I can't," they become committed to changing your mind on that. They try to solve the problem for you so you can still do the thing they want you to do. But using the words "I don't" declares a firmer boundary.

Practice saying things like, "I don't have time for that," "I don't do those things," "I don't want to talk about that right now," or "That doesn't work for me." These phrases are more assertive and powerful, yet they can be said with a kind tone.

Learn how to be both strong and loving at the same time

Somewhere in childhood, many of us got the idea that you can either be strong (mean and selfish) or loving (weak and scared), but we can't be both. You will find your power and your courage when you realize you can do both at the same time. You can disagree, but do it with fearless, loving kindness.

I find the trick to finding this place lies in trusting there is nothing to fear. At the end of this interaction, you will still have the same value as every other person and your life will still be your perfect classroom. So, you are basically bulletproof. Focus on your loving kindness for the other person and respond with strength and love.

Learn the trick to strong boundaries

Everyone tells people pleasers to have strong boundaries, but how does one do that? I wrote a previous article on this topic you might want to read. I find the key to good boundaries is knowing what your priorities and values really are so you can say "no" to things that don't match up. If you haven't defined them, you don't know how to make good choices for yourself.

Define what your core priorities and values are

What is most important in your life? Sit down and make a list. You might value things like:

• Learning and personal growth
• Helping the members of your family grow and learn
• Making sure you balance meeting your own needs with serving others
• Taking care of yourself so others don't have to
• Being responsible
• Living with love and kindness toward others
• Being true to yourself
• Speaking your truth
• Treating all people with respect

It is worth the time to identify what your core values are and then post them somewhere you will read them often. This will help you make choices that are consistent with your values. When something is said or asked of you that doesn't match those values, you can more easily say "no."

Give yourself permission to be you

It's OK to be different from others and have views they won't agree with. Have a unique style or way of being and do this from a place of trust that no judgment from others can change your value. Consciously choose to not worry about what others think of you. Their ideas have no power and don't mean or do anything.

Get more comfortable with conflict and anger

You may be so afraid of anger that you avoid conflict at all costs — and the costs can be high. To change this, you need a new official policy: "Conflict happens all the time, but it is nothing to fear."

Anger doesn't mean anything except that a human is having some emotions. Those emotions don't mean you aren't good enough or are unsafe. Anger is not something you need to fear.

You can get more comfortable with anger by slowly subjecting yourself to situations where people might get angry and practicing being OK and choosing to feel safe anyway. Do some things like sending back a meal that isn't cooked right, spending a long time at the ATM when people are waiting, saying "no" to someone, asking someone to stop doing something that is annoying you, or purposely not doing something you were asked to do.

Then you get to manage the ensuing conflict or anger with strength and love at the same time. Or instead of creating conflict, just watch out for natural opportunities to practice.

Practice putting your needs first

Putting your needs first may make you feel horribly selfish, but I promise you aren't. Taking care of yourself is not selfish; it's wise and healthy. You should have an equal balance between giving to others and taking care of yourself.

Understand that avoiding conflict doesn't promote growth

Most of the growth in relationships happens in times of conflict. Those are the moments when we are asked to become more aware of our behavior, our words or our thinking. We have to stretch and put ourselves in the other person's shoes.

When you avoid all conflict, you avoid the best learning opportunities you are going to get. Try to see each conflict experience as being in your life to serve your growth. Don't avoid it. Jump in and see what you and the other person can learn and how you can become better.

Stop saying 'sorry'

People pleasers apologize way too much. Sometimes they come across as feeling sorry they exist and that their breathing causes any inconvenience to others. You deserve to exist and sometimes cause inconvenience to others, as they will do the same to you.

Your relationships should have give and take, and sometimes you will be the taker. Consciously watch for the desire to say "I'm sorry" and instead say "thank you" for their patience or accommodating you this time.

When you do something that really injures someone, still don't say "sorry." Asking "Could you forgive me?" is much more powerful and means more.

Find activities that increase your courage and confidence

I find that doing adventurous things, challenging myself and accomplishing goals helps me become mentally strong. Even lifting weights and being physically being strong helps me to feel more emotionally strong — there is a correlation between the two types of strength. Become stronger all the time.

Change your belief about your value

People pleasing is a deeply ingrained tendency that comes from a fear of not being good enough. Because you don't see yourself as enough, you believe you need approval from others to give you value. The biggest thing you can do to change this behavior is to choose to see all humans — including yourself — with the same infinite, unchanging value as everyone else. The more you see your value as unchangeable the less validation you should need from others.

Changing this will take practice, effort and time. The first step is recognizing you need to work on this and committing to the work.

You can do this.

This was first published on ksl.com

Question:

For years I have said that I am socially awkward, as I can struggle in groups to feel comfortable. Is that something others experience, and how is it different from anxiety or just being an introvert? Do you have any tips for becoming more confident and less awkward with people?

Answer:You might be socially awkward, introverted or just shy. You could also have social anxiety. Do you know the difference? If you sometimes struggle in social situations it might help to understand these different experiences and see which sounds more like you.

Social Anxiety

Social anxiety is actually a mental health condition that means you struggle with significant and sometimes debilitating nervousness and fear in social situations. You may get anxious just thinking about being social, and you could get fixated on the possibility of embarrassment or rejection. People with social anxiety may avoid interacting with others at all and shut themselves off from relationships.

If you have an intense fear of being judged, embarrassing yourself, talking with strangers, or speaking to people, it might be worth talking to a mental health professional about it. Fifteen million adults in the U.S. have social anxiety, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. You are not alone in this and it is treatable.

Social Awkwardness

Social awkwardness is about fear of discomfort and not knowing how to interact the right way in social situations. Socially awkward people are afraid of judgment or being disliked and often find their conversations don't flow well. They aren't sure the right things to say and do. For example, they might tell jokes that others don't find funny or tell them at the wrong time.

These people might also be too loud, too quiet, or ramble without realizing it. They sometimes sit back and listen more than they join in the conversation, or they jump in at an awkward time or place. People who are socially awkward can have so much self-monitoring and over-thinking going on during social interactions that they miss things. These people just don't come by social skills naturally; they have to work at it.

Introversion

Introverted people aren't necessarily nervous or anxious; they just get their energy from being alone. They can handle social situations without anxiety, but being around other people too much is exhausting and can leave them feeling depleted. Introverts are quieter than extroverts, but they aren't necessarily shy, anxious or awkward. They tend to be good listeners, are thoughtful and dislike confrontation. Approximately half of us fall into this category.

Shyness

Shy people feel uncomfortable and hesitant around new people or in new social situations. They may also hold back in conversations and listen for quite a while before saying anything. Most shy people are introverts, but they don't necessarily have social anxiety or awkwardness. These people just like familiar people and places, and they don't like speaking in public or being in the spotlight.

How to be less socially awkward

Most of us can find some characteristics in each of these five examples that they can relate to. People skills are something many of us have to work at and practice. Here are some tips for lessening social awkwardness:

• Practice -- Social skills can be learned and improved upon, and you will get better at interacting with people the more you do it. Don't decide to avoid social situations, as that will only make the problem worse. You have to get out of your comfort zone if you ever want to get comfortable somewhere new.
• Use your phone for a quick break -- If you get overly anxious or unsure how to handle a situation, stop and check your messages. Taking a break for a minute to look at your phone can give you an excuse to step back and calm down. But, don't stay here and use to phone to avoid interaction altogether. You'll never improve if you don't do it.
• Breathe -- Diaphragmatic breathing is a powerful way to calm your nervous system down when feeling anxiety or panic. Take slow deep breaths making your stomach as fat as you can on the in-breaths, then skinny on the out breaths. This works your diaphragm and tells your body to calm down.
• Come to your senses -- Stop what you are doing and pay attention to what you smell right now. What can you hear? What can you see around you? What can you feel? When you get in touch with your senses, you get out of your head, and this really helps you quiet the overthinking.
• Exercise -- Research shows that regular physical exercise helps lower anxiety and improve your ability to stay mindful and not overthink.
• Meditation -- Allowing your brain to have some quiet time every day helps you find peace and calm even after meditating is over. It has also been shown to decrease anxiety and give you a sense of calm, peace and balance. People who meditate regularly know how to calm themselves at any time.
• Ask more questions and be a better listener -- The most powerful communication technique I could give you is to become a master question asker. It does a couple of amazing things. First, it quiets your anxiety because listening is less stressful than talking. Second, it makes other people feel valued and cared about, which strengthens your relationships. Asking lots of questions and getting other people talking is the best way to interact when you are nervous or unsure. Before you go into an event, think about some questions you could ask people you meet to get to know them better. Being prepared with questions will boost your confidence.
• Don't try humor -- If you aren't sure that something is funny or appropriate, don't say it. Humor requires confidence and being able to read the room. If you aren't sure about the story or how people will take it, it might be better to keep asking questions instead.
• Get a wingman -- Find a friend with great social skills that you can take with you. Follow their lead and ask them to include you in conversation when it makes sense. Even if you take a friend who is also shy or introverted, it can make you feel safer and more confident. Find a friend who is also working on social skills and practice together, then make sure you celebrate your wins.
• Choose open body language -- Watch other people's body language to see if they are open or closed. A closed person often has their arms folded and is turned slightly away. People who are confident take an open stance and even have their arms out. As you start to see this body language watching others, you can then start working on staying more open and friendly yourself. Make eye contact and smile at others, too. It makes a big difference in how other people respond to you.
• Know your value doesn't change -- You can be open, vulnerable, and take chances socially. No matter the outcome, you will still have the same value as every other human on the planet. No matter how awkward a situation is, no matter what you end up doing or saying, it doesn't change your value. You have the power to choose to see all people's values as the same and unchangeable. If you do this, you will quickly become more comfortable and at ease around people. If no situation can change or diminish your value, there is no reason to be nervous.
• Refute your negative thoughts -- It's really helpful to do this on paper. Write down all the negative thoughts you had during and after a social interaction. You might have thought things like, "No one likes me," "I am such a dork," or "I don't belong or fit in here." Take each thought and write about why it's not true or is a faulty belief or idea. Change them to things like: "Some people like me. And for most other people, I don't really know what they think so I can't assume it's negative. Most people are not thinking about me at all"; "I am not a dork. I'm just a human being battling fear just like everyone else"; "I don't need to fit or belong here. I just need to be friendly and kind and remember that we all have the same value no matter what."
• A social situation isn't a performance -- You might feel like everyone is watching you, taking in everything you say, judging you, or deciding whether they like you, but the truth is they are probably too focused on themselves to be paying that much attention to you. Most of the things you are worried about weren't even noticed by others. You don't have to perform, entertain anyone, join every conversation, or even try to impress anyone. So, take the pressure off yourself and focus on asking questions and listening instead. Rest assured that you are more normal than you think.

If you think you are experiencing social anxiety (not just awkwardness), talk to a mental health professional and get some help. If you are just socially awkward at times because of fear and insecurity, you might want to find a coach or counselor that specializes in overcoming fear and can offer you some skills and tools for improving your communication.

You can do this.

first published on KSl.COM

Question:

My marriage is struggling, and over and over one of us gets defensive and we give each other the cold shoulder for days. It is so hard to get back to love and feeling good when we feel offended, insulted or mistreated so often. Once those walls go up it’s so hard to get past them. What can we do to stop this cycle and end the constant offending and fighting?

​Answer:

First of all, I need to clarify that the answer in this article is for the person asking the question above, and in their relationship there is no abuse happening. The fighting is garden variety offenses and grouchy behavior where they trigger each other and get bothered on a regular basis. Obviously, if your partner is abusive, the mistreatment needs to be addressed and stopped immediately, and I encourage you to reach out for professional help.

If you and your partner get defensive all the time and often feel like the other person is the enemy, this article is for you.

People tend to get defensive when they feel mistreated, insulted, criticized, taken from or unvalued by the other person. These experiences make a person feel unsafe and threatened; in this state, a person tends to believe he or she has to defend or protect themself from the threat. But a sense of safety with one’s partner often has more to do with what he or she believes about themself than it does with how their partner treats them.

If you get defensive easily and often, you may feel unsafe in the world generally. You might have started feeling unsafe long before your partner showed up in your life. It might also be helpful to check for the following behaviors, which are signs of living in a subconscious fear state all the time, which means you might have a tendency to get defensive faster than the average person:

• Is your subconscious immediate reaction to many situations one of distrust and assuming the worst?
• Are you always on the lookout for signs of exclusion, insults or slights?
• Do you fear you might not be good enough a lot?
• Do you generally feel unsafe in the world and see the universe as against you (this might show up in fear of being robbed, hurt, taken from or disrespected)?
• Are you a glass-half-empty person who sees what’s wrong before you see what’s right?

If you experience even a few of the above tendencies, it’s likely you wear what I call "mistreatment glasses," which means you tend to see personal attack in situations even when it isn’t there. If so, you might need to own that you have some subconscious fear programming.

If you function in a fear state — always looking for slights — you cannot make your partner solely responsible for you feeling defensive. You can still bring up and discuss slights, but you should first run through the process below to make sure you are seeing the situation accurately. You should also seek out some coaching or counseling to work on your fear-based programming.

The 10-step process

When you feel slighted, insulted and/or defensive, follow these steps:

1. Own that you are feeling defensive, which means you don’t feel safe. Remember that your sense of safety with your partner may have more to do with what you believe about yourself and your life than you think. This means you must acknowledge that no one can make you feel unsafe without your participation at some level. Just be willing to own that your fears of failure and loss could be in play.

2. Ask the other person if they feel unsafe and defensive, too. Acknowledge that you understand that feeling and feel the same way. Acknowledge that this will be harder to resolve while you are both unbalanced and fear-triggered.

3. Agree that you are both safer than your feelings and your subconscious programming may believe. You both love each other and you both want this relationship to work.

4. Decide to be two people against the problem, not two people against each other. Agree to approach the problem by listening to how and why your partner feels the way they do. Commit to being willing to listen and really understand instead of trying to win.

5. Recognize your own fear trigger. Have you been fear of failure triggered — where you feel insulted or attacked by something, making you afraid you aren’t good enough? Or have you been fear of loss triggered — where you feel mistreated and/or taken from, ming you afraid you aren’t safe? Which are you struggling with right now? Knowing this will help you get balanced again.

• If you are fear of failure triggered in this moment: Remind yourself that your value cannot change no matter what happens or what anyone thinks or says. You always have the same exact value as every other person on the planet. Knowing this makes you bulletproof and less defensive.
• If you are fear of loss triggered in this moment: Remind yourself that nothing exists God did not create, and the entire universe is conspiring to bring you situations that will grow you. This offense is today's perfect classroom and it is here as a blessing to make you stronger, wiser or more loving. Trust the universe you are actually safe in this moment.
• If you aren’t sure which fear is driving you: Try both solutions and choose to trust in this moment that your value can’t change and this situation is a growth opportunity and the perfect classroom for both of you.

6. Recognize your partner's fear trigger by asking questions. Does he or she feel insulted or attacked? Mistreated or taken from? Give them some validation and reassurance to quiet their fear.

7. Now you are ready to talk about the issue that started the defensiveness. Be willing to ask questions about what happened and how your partner feels Listen for the purpose of understanding them. Keep asking questions and listening (without sharing your thoughts) until you can tell they feel really heard and validated.

8. Ask if your partner would be willing to listen to you and give you time to explain your thoughts and feelings without interrupting you. If he or she agrees, then go to step 9. If he or she doesn’t agree, tell them you respect that and maybe the two of you can continue the conversation later when they feel more able to show up for you.

9. Carefully share your thoughts and feelings. Avoid "you" statements because they can feel like an attack. Use "I" statements and talk only about your perspective, your feelings, your triggers and your observations. Also, make sure you’re focusing solely on future behavior and don’t waste time talking about the past, which your partner cannot fix or change. Ask if, moving forward, they would be willing to do this or that differently.

10. Repeat. At this point, your partner might have more to say. Go back through steps 7-9 again. Keep doing this until you can reach an agreement or compromise.

Remember, your spouse isn’t ever a jerk, selfish, mean, or careless; he or she is more likely scared, and it is their fears that drive jerky, selfish, mean or careless behavior. We behave badly when we are worried about protecting ourselves. Reminding yourself that you are safe, is critical to the process of working through a fight maturely.

These 10 steps show you how to have a mutually validating conversation without letting fear triggers make you both defensive. This may take some practice to master, but you will be amazed at the clarity it gives you both, when you recognize the fears and why you are feeling defensive.

If you have felt defensive and unsafe with your partner for a long time, you may need some professional help to work through forgiveness and making some big changes in behavior. I recommend getting professional help sooner than later. Someone who knows how to help relationships heal can make the process much faster.

You can do this.

Question:

I love your column and appreciate what you say about fear being a problem, but isn’t there some fear that motivates us and keeps us safe? I can think of some fear situations that help me avoid danger or be more motivated. (I) just wondered what you would say to that.

Answer:

Fear of being physically hurt can prompt behavior that makes you safer, and fear of failure can motivate you. The question is, can you be too afraid of danger and does motivation require fear? Is being fear-motivated healthy? Would being passion- or love-motivated be better?

I will concede that fear for your safety serves to protect you on occasion, but you don’t want to live there. That would be miserable. Being in fear can be motivating, but I believe being motivated by love and passion is better. Sometimes fear is more paralyzing than motivating. However, there is another way that some fear serves you and ensures the survival of the human race.

I write often about seeing life as a classroom and how this mindset helps you to see every single situation, emotion, challenge, process or feeling you experience as existing to serve your growth in some way (and this includes feeling fear). Fear is in your life to serve you.

I actually believe fear is biologically necessary, even critical to our growth because it keeps us in a constant state of dissatisfaction and insecurity — which motivates us to keep growing, innovating, evolving and striving to survive. If we didn’t have any fear, we would get too content and might stop improving, growing and evolving, which could lead to the decline and eventual end of the human race.

That might seem a little extreme, but growth, change and improvement are what push our species forward. We must stay somewhat dissatisfied and insecure so we will do the things necessary to grow. If you were totally satisfied with where you are and who you are, all growth would stop. This might be the reason that as soon as you get comfortable, the universe throws a curve ball your way. The classroom of life requires challenges to keep us growing.

But too much fear is also a problem. Too much fear can have the opposite effect and might hold you back from taking risks, pushing your limits, and reaching new goals because it simply feels safer not to. You might, at this very moment, feel safer playing small in some area of your life.

Too much satisfaction means you are drifting

In his book "Outwitting the Devil," Napoleon Hill says drifters are people who are neglecting growth and mindlessly reacting to life with the same old patterns over and over. He claims that 98% of us fall into this category at times in our lives.

“Those who do little or no thinking for themselves are drifters. A drifter is one who permits himself to be influenced and controlled by circumstances outside of his own mind. … A drifter accepts whatever life throws in his way without making a protest or putting up a fight. He doesn’t know what he wants from life and spends all of his time getting just that.”

The universe doesn’t want you to be too satisfied with the status quo. It wants you to learn and grow and keep changing your life. That is what you are here for.

But too much dissatisfaction is also a problem.

Too much dissatisfaction makes you anxious

You could get caught up in a never-ending pursuit of perfection or getting something else. You may develop the mindset that if you could just get this, or get that thing, or accomplish that goal, and get there, then you would be happy. This leads to a life of stress, controlling others, and pushing everything and everyone to meet your expectations.

This type of action is hard on your relationships because your focus is selfishly on you and getting what you want or need to feel better. This is also a miserable way to live. The problem with too much dissatisfaction is as soon as that goal or task is accomplished, you already need something else.

Finding the sweet spot mindset

You must find the sweet spot in the middle, where you are dissatisfied and driven to keep growing while also feeling satisfied and at peace about where you are now. The key to finding that spot is managing your fear instead of letting it manage you. Here is how:

1. Choose the mindset that your life is the perfect classroom journey for you all the time. Understand that every experience is here to serve you because your purpose for being here is growth. This will help you to set aside any anxiety around things not being done or right. It will eliminate the excessive dissatisfaction behind your anxiety and let you feel more peaceful and content. It will help you let go of your expectations and feel satisfied because where you are is perfectly where you should be at this moment. You can still set goals and strive to change and improve the future, but where you are now is perfect for now.

2. Choose the mindset that your value can’t change. No matter what you do, you will always have the same intrinsic value as every other person on the planet. This means you can take risks, try new things, speak up, stretch yourself and risk failure while at the same time feeling safe. This mindset takes failure off the table. You were drifting because you thought it was safer; with this new mindset, you can take risks and still feel safe. You can engage in the classroom and shoot high without fear.

So, fear, dissatisfaction, and insecurity do serve you, but only in that sweet spot where you push yourself to take risks to grow. At the same time, know your value and your journey are perfect, so fear doesn’t take over and make you anxious. It’s all about balance.

I still believe you can protect yourself from physical danger using wisdom and love for yourself instead of fear, and you will be more motivated by love and passion than fear ever made you. But I will concede that some fear is useful for our evolution and growth because, without it, we wouldn’t get the opportunity to learn to rise above fear and choose trust.

You can do this.

This was first published on ksl.com

In this article, I am going to teach you a simple system I teach my coaching clients to help you find the right course of action every time, no matter the quandary.

To illustrate the process, I'll use an example situation involving your spouse asking you to do something on Saturday that you don’t want to do.

Here are the steps I recommend for finding the right response:

1. Take a minute and make sure you aren’t in a fear state by choosing to trust that you have the same intrinsic, unchangeable value as everyone else on the planet, no matter what you choose. Choose to trust that your life is always your perfect classroom, and everyone else’s perfect classroom, so all involved will learn and grow with whatever you choose. This may lessen the risk involved in making a choice.

2. Write down every response option you can think of. In this example the options may be:

• Do what your spouse wants.
• Do what you want
• Do something else so no one gets what they want.

3. Turn each option into at least two more options by listing the different attitudes you could have in each scenario. Write down what a fear-driven mindset and a love-driven mindset would look like for each option.

With this example, there could be six options:

• Love: Happily do what my spouse wants without any resentment or regret. I give this one to my spouse as a gift that is freely given.
• Fear: Do what my spouse wants, but be irritated, resentful, grouchy and make them feel guilty for compelling me to do something I didn’t want to do.
• Love: Do what I want to do and ask my spouse to support me because I need to care for myself and give myself this day.
• Fear: Do what I want but feel guilty, selfish and mean, because I didn’t sacrifice myself and do what they wanted. Beat myself up and ruminate all day with regret about my decision.
• Love: Ask them if they would be open to a compromise and choose a totally different idea, and do this with love and respect.
• Fear: Suggest an idea that would make neither of us happy, because if I can’t be happy I don’t want you to be happy either.

4. Cross out all the options that are fear-driven, prideful or passive aggressive. Leave only the options based in love for yourself, others, God or the world.

5. Choose the love-driven option you feel the most capable of doing.

If there is no way you can do what your spouse wants, as a gift that is freely-given and from a place of love with no resentment, then you shouldn't choose that option. Instead, choose to love yourself enough to choose what you need. This is not selfish. It's still a loving decision.

You cannot choose other people every time, nor are you supposed to. You must love yourself and other people equally, which means sometimes you choose to sacrifice for them and sometimes you choose you. This is healthy, wise and mature. This isn't selfish although you might have a subconscious program that makes you feel guilty if you ever choose you.

If you choose others too much, over-give and neglect your self-care, you may soon find your bucket is empty. Some people might also start to take your sacrifices for granted. They may start to assume this is just how it is: you sacrifice yourself for them all the time. You don’t want to create this.

If you have been giving too much and never choosing to love yourself, you may need to start choosing you.

Some people might not like the change and might even try to make you feel guilty and accuse you of being selfish because they really liked the old you. You will have to push through this, apologize for not honoring your own needs in the past, and remind them that self-care is not selfish, it’s healthy.

The trick to making good decisions is identifying the love-driven options and avoiding the fear-driven ones. Love-driven self-care feels safe and calm and it creates loving feelings towards the other person involved.

With practice, you will get better at seeing the love-driven responses and they will start coming naturally.

You can do this. 

This was first published on ksl.com

A victim mentality (as I define it) is a tendency toward functioning in a loss state, meaning that you generally feel mistreated, hurt, taken from or that you aren't getting the life, situation, treatment or help that you wanted or think you deserve. People who function in this loss state may have a tendency to see mistreatment, offenses, or wrongdoing in almost every situation — whether it's really there or not. These people may subconsciously be wearing "mistreatment glasses" that filter their perspective to see themselves in a victim state most of the time.

After 16 years working in personal development, it's been my observation that we are all either slightly fear of failure dominant or we are fear of loss dominant. Fear of loss dominant people may be more prone to having a victim mentality, although this is something we should all watch out for. The behaviors a victim mentality can create can be damaging to relationships and the respect others have for you.

Identifying a victim mentality in yourself may be difficult because, from your perspective, it may appear accurate that you are the victim in the situation. The problem is your perspective may be skewed from the mistreatment glasses. You may have to take a step back and ask yourself if there's another way to look at the situation that may help you see things differently.

To determine if you might have a victim mentality, answer the following questions:

• Do you often feel you carry a larger burden in life than others?
• Do you feel powerless to change the things in your life that you wish were different?
• Do you often feel resentful that others don’t do more to help you or that they don’t see how unfair things are for you?
• Do you tend to see the fault in troubled relationships as always due to others rather than yourself? Or do you tend to always see the fault as yours? (Neither is accurate. Relationship problems take two people.)
• Do you often feel that others don’t consider your feelings or that their actions are inconsiderate? Perhaps sometimes they are, but if you feel this way often, then you might be seeing offenses inaccurately.
• Do you generally see your life as difficult and usually unfair?
• Do you think others underestimate how hard you have it and do you sometimes resent them for their happiness and positivity?

One of the problems with this mindset is that it can become part of your identity to the extent that you might not know who you are without it. Some may also start needing the payoffs that come with the victim mindset. Victims might find payoff in the sympathy they receive when they complain to others. Take a minute and ask yourself if you might see benefits in these types of payoffs in your life.

While some seek those payoffs, there are also costs to a victim mentality:

• Others get weary of your complaining and start to tune it out. They may not want to feel bad for you all the time so they might also pull away from you.
• People may not appreciate the things you do for them if all you do is complain about the burden it is for you to do them. This may frustrate you but you can’t have both appreciation and a victim story. Decide which you want more.
• People may lose respect for you. You can be smart, strong, capable and respected or you can be a victim all the time, but you can’t have both.
• People might start to resent your self-pity. They might start setting boundaries to protect themselves from you.
• The negativity and being easily offended could wear on people too. They might avoid interacting with you if the chances of you being offended are always high. This could damage connection and trust in your relationships.

If you realize you might sometimes function from a victim space or a fear of loss state, know that you can fix this. Here are a few perspective suggestions for shifting your mindset to one that is more positive and powerful:

• Choose to trust that the universe is actually on your side and constantly working to serve, bless and educate you. This means every situation that presents itself is there for you for a positive reason. Trust that even the hard experiences are actually blessings in disguise working to make you a stronger, wiser and more loving person. When you choose to see the universe as for you, not against you, life may suddenly feel fair and perceived mistreatment may be a lesson to help you grow. You can’t dwell in self-pity about your situation if it's there to help you.
• Choose to trust that life will always deliver the perfect classroom journey for you. This means no one can ruin, short-change, or take from you. This perspective option pulls you out of the victim space and helps you show up strong and wise. It gives you the power to handle whatever life throws your way, which will earn the respect of others.
• Whenever you feel mistreated, ask yourself “Would I rather be a victim and show up weak, whiny and full of self-pity, or would I like to show up with maturity and strength, and earn the respect of others?" Choose to trust you have everything you need to rise in every situation and make it through or the universe wouldn’t be giving you this challenge. This perspective option makes you someone to look up to and not someone to feel sorry for.

Achieving this mindset might take some work and practice but that is exactly what we are here for: personal growth. Don’t expect perfection. You will see progress as you work on it. I promise it gets easier over time and is worth the effort.

You can do this. 

Coach Kimberly Giles is a master life coach who provides one on one coaching, corporate people skills training and coach certification at www.claritypointcoaching.com

This was first published on KSL.com

SALT LAKE CITY — Last week’s article explained why most problems are fear related and how two core fears can be responsible for most bad behavior. This article explains how those two fears can create three different dynamics in your relationships.

Before I explain the three dynamics, the two core fears and the problems they cause at their worst are:

• The fear of failure or the fear of not being good enough. Someone who is fear of failure dominant can be a people pleaser or overgiver, who may struggle with boundaries and saying "no." These people may need validation from others (and no criticism or judgment) to feel safe in the world.
• The fear of loss. A fear of loss dominant person can be a controlling, easily offended, know-it-all, who is constantly on the outlook for mistreatment and things that are not right. They tend to be critical and need control to feel safe in the world.

These two fears can create three dynamics in your relationship. Remember, however, that each person functions in an unbalanced fear state or a balanced trust and love state, so these dynamics have a positive and negative side to them.

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A fear of failure dominant person with another fear of failure dominant person

In this kind of relationship both parties might be insecure and needy for reassurance that they are loved, respected and wanted. If both parties are functioning in a fear state this could mean they are focused on getting validation and no one is giving any. When I meet with these kinds of couples they are both saying the exact same thing — they both fear being unloved and unwanted. There usually isn't much conflict in these relationships, though, because both parties hate it. Instead, they both pull away and could start living around each other like roommates. To make this kind of relationship work, both parties need to work on their own self-esteem and stop making their partner responsible for their happiness.

In a balanced trust and love state, these relationships can be wonderful, safe and reassuring, where both parties are givers and able to show up emotionally for the other.

A fear of loss dominant person with another fear of loss dominant person

In this kind of relationship, both parties need control to feel safe in the world which can cause quite a bit of conflict. They are both on the lookout for offenses and mistreatment and may think it’s there when it really isn’t. When I meet with these couples I hear them say the same thing — they feel the other party is mean, controlling or irritating. Both parties need to work on letting go of their need for control and being right to make this relationship work. They need to watch how they speak to each other and be as understanding and as flexible as possible.

In a balanced trust and love state, these relationships can reach maximum productivity. These two people can get things done and have everything working like a well-oiled machine while having mutual respect and admiration for each other. The good work that one does can make the other person feel more secure and safe in the world, curing the other's core fear.

A fear of failure dominant person with a fear of loss dominant person

This is the most common of the three — perhaps because opposites attract. In these relationships, there can be a lot of misunderstanding, resentment and disappointment because you just don’t get the other person and can’t understand why they aren't more like you.

We all subconsciously might think of our way as being the right way. It is important that you remember we all have the same value and no way of being is better or worse than the other, they are just different.

In these relationships, the fear of failure dominant person can often feel criticized and judged as the fear of loss dominant person may be prone to correcting and pointing out what isn’t right. The latter may not mean to be critical and could just be trying to help or make things better, but their comments could trigger the person with the fear of failure, causing them to detach or even feel unsafe with the other person. This could start to drive a wedge between them.

The fear of loss dominant person might feel the other pulling back and this could make them feel mistreated, which will actually bring out more criticism. This vicious cycle plays out until there is a giant wedge and deep resentment on both sides.

But it doesn't have to be this way.

In a balanced trust and love state, the fear of loss dominant person has the ability to recognize the insecurity in the other and give them reassurance that they are admired, respected and wanted.

You shouldn't, however, be responsible for your partner's self-esteem — that is their job. But you can be a safe place and that can help improve the relationship.

In a balanced trust and love state, the fear of failure dominant person also has the ability to recognize their partner's need for control and where that stems from and can offer support when needed.

The trick to getting both parties into a balanced trust and love state is working on the following beliefs, which may eliminate the two core fears:

• Trust that your value is infinite, absolute and unchangeable, so you can’t fail. Believe your value is the same as every other person's and that you can’t earn more and be better than others. Believe that you can’t lose value and be worse than others. This belief takes “not being good enough” off the table. The more you choose this as your truth, give up judgment of others, and see all people this way, the less fear of failure will affect you.
• Trust that every experience is your perfect classroom journey and is happening to help you become stronger, wiser and more loving. This means everything is here to serve you, bless you, and grow you. The more you choose this as your perspective, the more you trust the universe it knows what it’s doing and you let go of a need to control everything. This helps you be less negative or critical and more accepting and validating.

Changing your subconscious programs of fear takes work and practice. Both of you will need to make working on your fear triggers and bad behavior a priority. You may also need some professional help to get you there, but recognizing the underlying issues is the first step.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is a life coach, speaker and author, and has a free quiz online where you can figure your dominant core fear and your Relationship Behavior Shape. Check it out at www.12shapes.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com

SALT LAKE CITY — Every few weeks I have KSL readers comment and say something to the effect of, “Coach Kim thinks everything is a fear problem and sometimes people aren’t afraid, they are just selfish or jerks. Why does she think everything is about fear?”

In this article, I would like to address why I see fear in every problem and why seeing human behavior in this way could be helpful.

First, understand my goal in writing this weekly advice column for the last eight years. It is to provide easy, usable advice, skills and tools to help solve people problems and improve relationships and self-esteem. In order for any advice, skills or tools to be usable, they must be simple to understand and easy to do. This is what I aim for.

For over 30 years I’ve been studying human behavior, psychology and personal development. My goal is to take the often complex ideas, theories and therapies down to their essence and make them simple enough to be useful in day-to-day situations. One of my frustrations with psychology is that though factual (and researched) it is not always simple enough to be usable — and if it isn’t usable, it isn’t helpful.

My work tries to bring human behavior to its foundational core or “cause” level and make it simple enough to be usable and create real change in behavior. This means breaking it down into the smallest number of moving parts as possible.

I believe you can break all human motivation down into two categories, fear and love. If you look behind everything you do, you can find a fear-motivated or a love-motivated reason to do it. Many modern thought leaders and authors, like David Hawkins, Marianne Williamson, Eckhart Tolle, Elisabeth Kubler Ross and others, teach this same concept, because again, it’s not only true, it’s also simple, useful and helpful.

Elisabeth Kubler Ross says, “There are only two emotions: love and fear. All positive emotions come from love, all negative emotions from fear. From love flows happiness, contentment, peace, and joy. From fear comes anger, hate, anxiety and guilt. It's true that there are only two primary emotions, love and fear. But it's more accurate to say that there is only love or fear, for we cannot feel these two emotions together, at exactly the same time. They're opposites. If we're in fear, we are not in a place of love. When we're in a place of love, we cannot be in a place of fear.”

I believe every moment of your life you are functioning in one of these two states. You are either in a balanced, trust and love state (where you feel safe and have access to your love and best behavior) or you are in an unbalanced, fear state (where your worst behavior comes out). This idea is helpful because with only two states it becomes very easy to determine which state you are in.

All you have to learn is how to get from an unbalanced fear state into a balanced trust and love state again and your life becomes much happier. That is what I try to teach my coaching clients to do. If we simplify complex, emotional states and behavior down to their essence, then we can see what they are more accurately and we can behave better.

I also believe there are two core fears, which all bad behavior and negative emotions can be rolled into. This, again, makes bad human behavior easier to understand. The two fears are the fear of failure (fear you might not be good enough) and the fear of loss (fear your life may not be good enough). At first, you may not see how true this is, but when you start looking behind bad behavior to see if feelings of failure or loss are there, you will.

For example, last week one reader commented: “Some people aren’t scared they are just selfish."

If you look behind why someone is selfish, you will see they are afraid that they won’t have or get what they need — which is fear of loss. This fear keeps them focused on making sure they have what they want and need, which is selfish behavior, but could also be labeled as "fear of loss" behavior.

If you are angry because you feel insulted that might not look like a fear problem either, but think about why you are sensitive to feeling insulted. Could it be that you are functioning in a fear of failure state and are already afraid you might not be good enough? Anger often has criticism (failure) or mistreatment (loss) behind it.

People who are arrogant, insecure, easily insulted or can’t handle feedback, may come across as rude, but the reason for all those bad behaviors may be a fear of failure.

People who are controlling, territorial, defensive, bossy, grouchy, mistreated or angry, are functioning in a "fear of loss" state.

You have the option of seeing it that way if you want to. The benefit to identifying bad behavior as coming from fear is that it can create understanding in certain interactions. It also breeds compassion when you see difficult people as scared rather than selfish or rude.

So, you could see and label bad behavior in many different ways, but this system makes it easier and more usable. When you see others in a fear state, you will also know exactly what they need. They need validation and reassurance — something to quiet the fear and make it go away so they can feel safe and become less focused on their own lack or needs and more capable of showing up for you.

But, you are not responsible for their inner state — that is their job and you are in charge of yours. You must be responsible for your fear issues and learn how to get yourself out of fear and balanced again.

You certainly don’t have to like my system or perspective on human behavior or see it as accurate, but I do encourage you to play with it before dismissing it too fast. Anything that is helpful in managing your bad behavior and can help you get along better with others is worth exploring.

We have also developed a 12 Shapes Relationship System that reduces all humanity into 12 types of people (another simplifying strategy to make change easier). The shapes are based on what you fear most and what you value most, which are the real drivers of human behavior. It’s free to take the shape quiz and figure out which fear is a bigger issue for you. The link is below.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles and Nicole Cunningham are the authors of the 12 Shapes Relationship System - get the app today, take the quiz, invite friends and learn about your shape at - app.12shapes.com