This article was first published on KSL.COM
If you haven’t seen the movie "Inside Out" yet, take the kids or your friends and go see it. Get over the fact that it is targeted toward the very young and pay close attention to what it’s trying to teach you about your brain.

Pixar has provided a creative glimpse into what happens in your mind when you experience painful, life-changing situations. The movie shows how you process emotions and how emotions can drive your behavior. You can then use this knowledge to become a better, wiser more emotionally mature person.

Here is how.

We all have emotions or subconscious tendencies driving our behaviors every day. The ones mentioned in the film running the control center in the mind are Anger, Fear, Joy, Sadness and Disgust. These emotions are represented as little people, who live and work inside Riley’s head and take turns driving.

At one point, as she is processing her discouraging situation, Joy and Sadness start fighting, leaving Anger, Fear and Disgust alone at the controls. These emotions cause problems and drive some really bad decisions. Imaging little people (as the emotions) in your head may help you become more consciously aware or mindful about what you are thinking, and it could even help you gain control.

Instead of letting your random emotions take over, you could start consciously choosing how you want to experience your life. In the movie, the young 11-year-old Riley wasn’t mature enough to control what was playing out in her head, but you are, and imagining your emotions as little people will help. (It may sound a little schizophrenic, but go with it because there is great value is separating yourself from your emotions so you can look at them objectively).

The first thing I recommend you do it figure out which emotions drive your behavior from time to time. Do you have times where Sadness drives and you feel under a dark cloud all day? Does Sadness make you feel depressed and discouraged? Does she see the negative in everything? Does she encourage you to complain or criticize others?

Do you have moments where Anger drives and encourages behavior you later regret? Do you fly off the handle and treat people badly?

Do you have Disgust in you? Does your Disgust get offended too easy and take over too often? Does she grab the wheel at even the smallest offense? Does she lash out and hurt the people you love because Love can't show up while Disgust is at the wheel?

Can you hear a voice of Fear in your head that is scared of everything? Does he worry about everything that could go wrong? Does he encourage insecurity and tell you that you aren’t good enough?

You may have other emotions that aren’t featured in the movie but play a large role in your life. Like a Drama Queen, who overreacts, blows things out of proportion and wants the attention and focus on you all the time. If this little person drives your day it may encourage really immature behavior at times. Are you later embarrassed at how you behaved?

I have one in my head I call Focus, who is really good at focusing on whatever I’m doing, which can be a good thing at times, but when Focus is driving I could also miss the needs of people around me and completely forget to be nice to them. Focus can even make me rude at times, because he’s just too focused on whatever I'm doing.

The good news is these emotions and their behaviors aren't the real you. They are just voices in your head. You can even tell an unhelpful emotion to sit down and shut up. You can decide to let Gratitude, Joy, or Love drive today. You have that power.

This isn’t about suppressing emotions though. It is about processing them and becoming aware or mindful, so you don’t let your subconscious mind drive your life. None of your emotions are bad and they all serve you at times. That is even a major point of the movie. All emotions should be processed and experienced when they show up. They all teach you things about the human condition and give you empathy for others. Emotions, like Sadness, definitely have their time and place, but you don't want to let them drive all the time. You want to be aware of Sadness and understand it. If you struggle to process your emotions in a healthy way there is a great e-book on my website on processing emotions I encourage you to read.

For now, just think about what other emotions may be causing trouble in your life? Do you have a Stubborn part inside you, one that gets latched onto to being right and can’t let go? Do you have a Lazy, who just doesn’t want to do anything but lay on the couch? Do you have a Criticizer, who likes to pick at the flaws and faults of those around you? Does it take over and gossip about other people, when being like this isn't the real you at all? Do you have an Ego that has to be right and sees other people as less than you at times?

The good news is you also have Joy and Love inside you (I think these are the real you). These beautiful parts of you can see the world, yourself and other people accurately and treat them with kindness and respect. If only these would drive more often! Take some time and own these wonderful parts of you and teach your children they have these inside them too.

Once you have figured out which emotions drive your behavior, it is time to start getting them under control. I believe you can go through each day one of two ways: You can either take control and decide who is driving, using the power of conscious choice to put Love, Joy or Motivated Work in charge, or you can let your subconscious mind drive, which means any of you emotions could and might take over at any time. If you go through life this way, you are at the whim of emotion and immaturely reactive.

Viktor Frankl, author of the book "Man’s Search for Meaning," found himself in a Nazi concentration camp during World War II and discovered a powerful truth he has shared with the world. He said, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

The problem is that most of us either don’t realize we have this power or we aren’t using it. Instead, we let whatever emotion grabs us in that moment take over. We may even think we are powerless against them, but this isn’t true.

You have the power to decide how you are going to feel and think in this moment.

As mature adults, we want to be awake and aware of what is playing out in our heads. We strive to recognize the emotions we are feeling, experience them, process what they are here for, and then choose behavior that serves us and those around us most.

This amazing film gives you the opportunity to teach your children about their emotions and to recognize what’s happening inside them. It also gives you, and them, language to better explain what you are feeling. You may ask them if Anger just took over? How does Anger want you to behave right now? How mad is he? What is going to happen if you listen to him? Do you have any other options? How could you get him off the wheel?

Is sadness driving today? How come he wants to drive? Maybe he just needs to talk about his Sadness? Often children feel bothered but can’t put words to why. This movie may help.

Make sure you take the time to talk to your family after seeing the film and explore what they learned. This may open the door to some great conversations and discoveries about how you children think and see their world. Hopefully, it will help you too. Have fun with it.

You can do this.

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach and speaker.

This article was first published on KSL.COM
Both of these questions were in response to my last article about dealing with toxic people. I received many comments and letters from people who are dealing with destructive relationships, so I decided to discuss this further.
Question 1:
I have elderly grandparents and an uncle, who didn’t want anything to do with taking care of them, but the second money came to be involved in the situation he immediately jumped in and demanded they live with him and he should have control of everything. He has taken a lot of their possessions and is consumed with what he can get from the situation. I am really struggling with terrible feelings towards this uncle. The only thing I can think to do at this point is cut him completely out of my life (once my grandmother passes) so I don't have to deal or be around that type of mindset/personality anymore. Any advice or perhaps a different point of view would be helpful. Is there another way to handle this?
Question 2:
I have a really difficult mother-in-law who constantly puts down her son and me. I always tried to show unconditional love for her but nothing is ever good enough. My husband decided for a while not to communicate with her because it was such a toxic relationship. He has now reconnected with her, but I am very standoffish. It's not that I hold anything against her, it's more of I simply don't care to try anymore. I don't want to live with these feelings, but at the same time I just feel that I need to protect my family. I don't know if I am wrong in not trying to fix things. I feel like I don't need to have a relationship, but I don't want to do anything to hurt my kids, husband or myself. Please help.
Answer:

In both of these situations you have three options.

1. To try to repair the relationship.
2. To accept the relationship as it is, and live with it.
3. To avoid the person and not have a relationship.

To decide which option is best in your situation, you must figure out which option you can do from a place of love. Everything you do has energy behind it. It either has fear energy (focused on protecting self) or love energy (compassion, wisdom and kindness towards yourself and others), and the energy behind your choice matters.
If you choose any of the three options above from a space of fear, bitterness, anger, defensiveness, selfishness or revenge, it isn’t going to serve you. But if you choose any of the options from a space of love, wisdom, accuracy and compassion, it will probably work out well. The trick is figuring out which option you are capable of doing from love.
Here are what the three options look like from fear versus love. See which love option you feel you can handle.
Repair it

• Fear: This desire to fix it comes with judgment and sees the other person as the bad guy. You may call them out or have conversations about their bad behavior, but they won’t be calm, easy, loving ones because you will be defensive, hurt and angry. You cannot repair a relationship from a place of judgment or defensiveness — only from a place of compassion and forgiveness.
• Love: Here you will remember you have the exact same value as this toxic person. You will work on fixing the relationship with respect and forgiveness (showering them with kindness like I mentioned last week). Here you have a good chance of repairing the relationship, if (and this is a BIG IF) they are capable of or willing to change. Some people simply aren’t capable of loving, mature behavior no matter what you do. If your toxic person falls into this category, you may not be able to choose this option. But this option is always worth trying first, which is why I recommended it last week.

Accept it

• Fear: Here you accept this person as they are (instead of trying to repair the relationship) but every time you are around them you still feel angry, hurt and bothered. You will still be on guard and worried about being insulted or taken from. You may be accepting the situation, but you are still seeing it as negative, resenting the person and feeling defensive. There will be no peace here.
• Love: The only way to make accepting this situation (as it is) serve you and create peace is to come from a place of accuracy about your value and your journey so you can forgive them. You must remember this person cannot diminish you. Your value is absolute. This being true, there is nothing to defend, and you are bulletproof and safe all the time. You will also see this person as the same as you and remember that even though their behavior is horrible, they are still an irreplaceable human being with the same intrinsic value as you. You must also see this situation as your perfect classroom journey. You must understand that this person is a teacher in your classroom, to help you learn to love at a deeper level. When you see them this way you can forgive them and let them be a struggling student with much more to learn. From here you can set loving boundaries and enforce them with kindness. You won’t let this person take from you, but you also won’t feel defensive. You won’t say no to protect yourself, you will say no to love yourself. (Yes, there is a difference — one comes from fear and the other from truth, love and compassion). It takes a very mature person to pull this option off and maintain a relationship with a toxic person while staying in trust and love the whole time — but it is possible and I believe it’s the best option if you can do it. If you can’t get here, it might be best to avoid them for now (while you work on getting strong, bulletproof and loving). This option should be your goal eventually.

Avoid them

• Fear: Here you cut this person out of your life, but you are doing it from a place of defensiveness, bitterness, resentment and anger, which may protect you from their abuse, but it does not create peace. You can’t create peace from anger and fear. The two can’t happen together. I think the person from question 2 is experiencing this right now. She is avoiding her mother-in-law, but feels guilty about it and worries she is doing the wrong thing. This happens because she subconsciously knows she isn’t coming from love. That doesn’t mean she should invite her mother-in-law back into her life though. It means she needs to avoid her from a place of love, not fear.
• Love: You can decide to “love a toxic person from afar,” and this is often the very wisest course, but you must do this from a place of forgiveness, accuracy, compassion and kindness. This again means seeing their value and yours accurately. It means understanding this person is serving your classroom journey by giving you the chance to learn to love under difficult circumstances. It means giving them permission to be flawed, scared, in pain and incapable of love and not taking it personally. It also means loving yourself enough to know that you can’t handle their negative energy right now and that’s okay. You must be able to do this without feeling guilty about it. You must understand taking care of yourself is love too.

I was asked recently to clarify what healthy boundaries are. First, you must understand what real love is. Real love is equal love for yourself and others at the same time. Healthy boundaries make real love happen because they help you balance selflessness and selfishness. They are the balance point between caring for others and caring for self. They are the place where your responsibility for their issues end and theirs begins. Boundaries are rules that help you find this balance point and make sure you are taking care of yourself. If you don’t take care of yourself, you will soon have nothing left to give. You can and must protect yourself and keep your own bucket full and you can do this with love energy towards all.
You can do this.

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach and professional speaker.

This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question:
Thank you for your articles. They are very good. My question is in regards to being a stepchild who feels they have been wronged by a stepparent. In my current state, I feel it is not worth the time and work to fix the relationship I have with my stepmother, who was verbally and physically abusive to me when I was younger. To this day, she is very difficult to talk to and openly shows favoritism to her children over me. Being an adult, I no longer fear her, but find that I am angry with her and resent her for how she treated me and still treats me. I avoid her as much as possible when visiting my father. I have tried to talk to her and tried to be her friend, but every conversation I have with her involves her talking nonstop about herself and her children. She is never interested in me or my wife and children. I cannot overcome my angry feelings towards her. My initial thought is to discuss my feelings with my father, but I do not know if this is a good choice. How do you repair relationships like this and is it worth fixing? I would love some advice.
Answer:

You asked, “Is it worth the effort to fix?” Of course it is. This situation (and every situation in your life) is here as part of your perfect classroom journey so you can stretch, grow and learn from it. I believe it is not only worth it, but it's what you are meant to do.
Though, the “fix” is going to be about changing you, not her. You have no control over her or getting her to behave differently. She also has some serious problems if she abused you as a child, and she is the only one who can fix them. She really needs some professional help to deal with her fear and pain. I know this because it is only hurt people who hurt people.
You can fix this situation by changing how you see it and feel about it. You can stop letting her inability to be kind bother you because it really isn’t about you. When you get this, you will also change the way you act around her and she will probably respond to you in a more positive way.
The first step to changing how you feel is seeing her behavior accurately. It is highly likely she was abused and walked on as a child too. That abuse has created huge fears of inadequacy (failure) and being mistreated (loss) in her. These fears make her selfish and overly focused on protecting herself and getting reassurance and validation.
She was only unkind because she was miserable and scared. That was no excuse, but I want you to see that it wasn't personal. It wasn’t about you. It was about her fears about herself. She took them out on you because you were an easy target. She found that if she focused on being angry with you, it distracted her from dealing with her pain. She just didn’t have the self-esteem or strength to be loving. Her fear and pain made her selfish.
I want you to understand this because seeing her accurately is the first step in forgiving her and you must forgive her if want to stop hurting about this.
You must also understand abusive people serve a role in our classroom. They help make us into the people we are today. They make us strong and they give us the opportunity to learn to love and see our value in ourselves in spite of them. Can you identify any positives that were created in you or your life because of what she did to you? Are you a better father because you don’t want to be like her? Are you stronger because of what you survived? Are you more aware of others and go out of your way to make them feel safe?
When you can see how she served your education and growth, and acted as a teacher in your classroom, you won’t feel as angry. You also won’t see her as evil. You will just see her as a struggling, scared, suffering, student in the classroom of life, just like you. This perspective is one of wisdom, compassion and accuracy, and this should make you feel somewhat better. It should make you more capable of the next step.
Once you see the situation and her accurately you must shower her with kindness. It is the best thing you can do.
If you continue to be offended and avoid her, you are meeting her fear-based, unloving energy with more unloving energy, and that is never going to make things better. Most of us think if we act mad at someone they will feel our unhappy feelings toward them, feel guilty for hurting us and this will motivate them to change, but this doesn’t happen. Instead, they feel our dislike for them and it makes them dislike us even more. The more hurt you act the more they will mistreat you. Love is a better answer.
So, instead of acting hurt and mad, do these four things:

1. Remember that you have infinite value. Your value isn’t affected by her opinions about you or how she treats you. You are bulletproof, and she cannot diminish your value or make you feel bad without your permission. You are safe and whole no matter what she says or does.
2. Remember she is in your life for a reason. She is a teacher to help you learn to love yourself and others at a deeper level (we know this because it is the purpose of everything in the classroom of life). When you see her mistreatment or lack of interest in you as today’s lesson, which is giving you the chance to practice loving a difficult person, you won’t take it personally and you will rise to the occasion.
3. See her as the same as you. Don’t treat her like the bad guy. She is just a struggling student in the classroom of life, who is doing the best she can with what she knows. She, just like all of us, needs more education and growth. But she has the same infinite value as you do. All human beings have the same value regardless of the amount of education they still need. You can consciously choose to see her intrinsic value.
4. Shower her with kindness. Compliment, appreciate and validate her. Forgive her for being incapable of love and handling things badly. Be kind because it's the person you have decided to be. Ask questions about her and her kids and let the conversations be all about them. But instead of resenting that, give it to her as a gift freely given. She isn’t taking this from you. You are giving it to her.

I promise you will feel much better. You will feel like a powerful force of love and strength, which is what you really are. You will be mature, kind, compassionate forgiving and strong and she will feel this in you. This is the energy that will heal you both.
In your email you said, “I cannot overcome my angry feelings towards her.” But this is not true. You can let go and change how you feel. You just haven’t been ready to do it yet. You may subconsciously think you must hold onto your anger to protect yourself. A lot of abused people feel this way, but your anger is hurting you more than it’s protecting you.
I promise seeing her accurately and understanding it’s only hurt people who hurt people will help you to let it go. Being angry doesn’t hold her accountable, it is not revenge, it doesn’t protect you and it doesn’t fix or help the situation in any way. Your angry feelings are causing you to suffer. As you go through the four steps mentioned above you will be choosing trust and love over fear and you can let it go.
You also said “My initial thought is to discuss my feelings with my father, but I do not know if this is a good choice.” I would guess, at some level, your father already knows how you feel. He just doesn’t know what to do about it. He doesn't have the “people skills” to handle this or he would have. I think you are in a better position to change this — with your love — on your own.
There is a great worksheet on my website called "The To Be or Not To Be Offended Worksheet" marked with a yellow star, which may help too.

It will be a process to shift your perspective, but you can do it.

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach and speaker.

This was first published on KSL.COM

Question:
I read your articles every week and I love the advice, but here goes my question? I've been with my husband for 10 years and we have one child together. I also have three from a previous marriage and he has four. My problem would be that all our fighting is about each other's kids. We don’t agree with the way the other one handles their children. He doesn’t discipline his well and I resent him for that. I’m practically raising our youngest alone, too, while he is overly focused on his daughter. We are always defending our kids and this is pulling us apart. If you could offer help on this, that would be great.
Answer:

I would love to give some advice on blending families, especially because 46 percent of marriages today create a step-family and these second or third marriages are much more challenging than we think.

The divorce rate for second marriages, when both partners have children, is over 70 percent. These statistics are especially disturbing because most of these couples are unaware of the difficult challenge facing them when they wed. Studies have shown that 80 percent of couples entering a second marriage do nothing up front to prepare themselves for the complexities of the challenge. They think their love should be enough to get them through. But it isn’t.

You must get educated about step-families if you are going to make it. I highly recommend getting some books about step-families, attending seminars and classes, or getting some professional help from a coach or counsellor. Things go much smoother when you know what you are doing and have a plan to deal with the inevitable challenges. I also recommend getting professional help at the first sign of trouble, don’t wait until everyone is deeply hurt.

Here are some important realities regarding step-families and some tips for making yours work:

1. Understand that a step-family is very different from a traditional family. The same rules just don’t apply. Jeannette Lofas, founder of The Stepfamily Foundation, says, “It’s like playing a game of chess with the rules of checkers! It just won’t work.” You are going to have to learn some new skills if you want this relationship to thrive.
   
2. Understand that you are both still single parents at some level, because you are your children's only parent in that home. This means you both will be torn between loyalty to your children and loyalty to your spouse. Every choice you make will disappoint someone you love. Both partners must have compassion and understand when the other chooses their kids. It just has to be this way.
   
3. Get used to the fact that things are not going to be fair much of the time. Don’t expect anything else. Disappointment and frustration are inevitable, but resentment is optional. You get to decide how much you are going to suffer and resent your spouse. Resentment is a choice not a feeling. There are other ways to look at any situation, which will make you feel better about it. You could choose to see each situation as today’s lesson (in the classroom of life) on choosing love and being patience. You will be much happier if you learn to see unfairness in this way. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt that he wants to make everyone happy, but he’s battling a complicated situation. If you choose to resent him, you will be the one who destroys this marriage. If you choose understanding, compassion and love (even when disappointed), your spouse will adore you and your marriage will thrive.
   
4. If you struggle with unfairness and often feel taken from or mistreated (and are prone to create drama and conflict at these times), you need to get some professional counseling to help you become more flexible. Some work on your self-esteem would make a big difference.
   
5. You must respect the natural parent’s role. You must let the natural parent decide how to discipline their child and honor and respect their right to do it their way. You can ask permission to offer a suggestion (after you have asked questions and listened to your spouse’s feelings about an issue), but only if you can do so without judgement. This means never assuming you know better than they do. Do this because you want the same respect back.
   
6. Improve your communication skills. This is the most important thing you must do. Learn how to have mutually validating conversations with your spouse and have them often. You can find a worksheet to assist you on my website. Couples who know how to communicate with respect and in a loving way, can solve almost any problem.
   
7. As a couple, make house rules ahead of time. You must be a united front and decide on rules, consequences, job sharing, conflict resolution and responsibilities ahead of time. Successful step-parents are always united on decisions and discuss their disagreements in private.
   
8. The natural parent should be the one to dish out the discipline to their child. If the natural parent isn’t present, the step-parent can remind the child of the house rules and the consequences in a very loving and calm manner. If you can't speak to your step-children with kindness and respect, you need to get some help to change this. Children deserve respect, understanding and kindness even when they mis-behave. If you treat children this way, they will respect you back. If you behave immaturely, lose control, yell and berate children, they will lose respect for you. If you have lost their respect or have created a space where they fear you - it is really hard to repair this.
   
9. Give your spouse some slack as he learns how to handle this complex situation. Your spouse has never been a step-parent before and neither have you, so you both need some time to figure this out. You must be patient and not expect your spouse to do everything perfectly right away.
   
10. Most problems and resentments in blended families happen because of fear of failure and fear of loss. This means someone feels insulted, cheated or short-changed. It sounds like you are having fear of loss issues and resent your spouse because he is treating his daughter better than you and yours. To fix this resentment, two things must happen. First, you must do some work on your fears and insecurities and let go of the score keeping. When you have a blended family things are often not fair. Get over it. Stop comparing, make the best of what you get, trust that your spouse loves you. Choose to be mature, easy-going and flexible. This behavior will be appreciated by your spouse and he will love you for it. Second, you both need to work on making everything as fair as possible. Be aware that your spouse and stepchildren have fear of loss issues and be as careful as you can not to trigger them.
    
11. Insist on mutual respect for everyone. They don't have to like each other, but they do have to respect each other. If you are going to make your stepfamily work, children must respect the adults in the home, and the adults must respect the children. This means listening to their thoughts and feelings and respecting their right to feel the way they do. Respect must happen in every interaction.
    

This will not be an easy road. It will test your love and patience on a daily basis, but you can do it, especially if you are both committed choosing love over resentment and fear, forgiving each other daily, and getting some professional help

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach and speaker.

This was first published on KSL.COM

Question:
We have been married about 15 years and the last 10 have been really tough. I honestly just don’t feel loved. My spouse is often unkind and seems too busy, too tired and too interested in other things to have time or energy to give to me. I’ve tried talking to him, pleading with him and yelling at him, and things get better for a week and then go back to the same thing again with him snapping at me. I really want my marriage to be good. Is there a way to fix it when it’s this broken? I can’t handle a lifetime of this. If it doesn’t improve, I will throw in the towel. I’d love some advice.
Answer:

You can turn your relationship around and repair what’s broken, if both of you are willing to get some help and work on it. I see relationships this bad get better every day. (Even if your spouse is not willing to work on it or get help but you are it might be enough.) If you make some real changes in the way you show up in the marriage, one of two things will happen: Your spouse will respond and become more loving, or it will become apparent that he isn’t really invested in this and you will know it’s time to leave. Just don’t decide to throw in the towel until you have tried these things first.

Here are the things I recommend you do to turn your relationship around.

First, understand the real reason your spouse is behaving selfishly and not lovingly. In the book "Real Love" by Dr. Greg Baer (a book I highly recommend.) Baer asks us to imagine being in the middle of the ocean when a man grabs you from behind and pushes you under water. You are struggling to get free, but he keeps pushing you under. Right before you pass and drown, someone arrives and pulls you loose and into a boat. After you catch your breath, you turn and see the man who pushed you under. He is also drowning. He only pushed you under in a desperate attempt to stay alive. Once you see this accurately, you would quickly help him into the boat with you.

This is what I think is happening in your relationship: Your spouse is drowning from a lack of love for himself and an ocean of fear (of failure and loss). The self-absorbed, grouchy and sometimes mean behavior is coming from his deep fears of inadequacy and pain. This is the real reason he has nothing to give you.

His fears are so painful they keep him focused on one thing — getting or doing whatever he can to stop the pain. Unfortunately, other human beings often project their pain onto you. They blame you and lash out at you, because if they stay focused on seeing you as the bad guy, they won’t have to deal with their pain and fear.

Don’t ever mistakenly assume that your spouse isn’t loving you, because you aren’t worthy of love. Or that his unkind behavior means he doesn't love you. I promise, this isn’t about you. You are lovable and good enough. You must not take his inability to give love to you right now, personally. His unkind behavior is a cry for help. It is hurt people, who hurt people.

Baer would say the real problem in your relationship is you both entered into it broken and scared; you had fears of inadequacy and failure from the start. You never had a solid sense of your infinite value and this made you incapable of giving "real love" to each other. You started this marriage with empty buckets, so you basically made a subconscious bargain that went something like this. “If you will validate me, make me feel safe, and give me imitation love in the form of flattery, sex, money, approval or appreciation, then I will do the same for you. As long as you fill my empty bucket, I’ll fill yours.”

According to Baer, these immature bargains and imitation forms of love were all you had to give because when you don’t feel safe, loved and whole by yourself, you don’t have "real love" to give.

At first, this deal probably worked but then life happened, things got hard, and you both inevitably disappointed each other. When we get disappointed, we start worrying about our own empty bucket, and this is where the getting behaviors start.

Baer explains that “getting behaviors” are games we play to try to get imitation forms of love to fill our buckets. We may lie and conform to be something we aren’t to try to get validation and approval. We may get angry and attack the other trying to demand what we need. We may play the victim card and try to get sympathy love. Some of us get clingy and suck the life out of our partner with our neediness, trying to get the validation or reassurance we need. The problem is that if you are focused on getting love and you aren’t giving any. You can’t do them both. You are either showing up whole and giving love energy into your relationship or you are in fear about yourself and bringing scarcity, lack and needy energy into your relationship. You are either a getter or a giver.

If you are showing up with fear energy, which you are unless you feel whole, safe and loved by yourself and by God or the universe, then you are bringing an energy that triggers selfish, protective energy in your spouse. As a matter of fact, it makes him focus on his needs. Your selfish energy basically makes him more selfish.

In a marriage where both parties are worried about themselves being loved - no love happens.

Take a minute and own if you are even capable of "real love." Do you feel whole, safe and loved in and by yourself? Do you have a full bucket and you don’t need anyone else to fill it? If you don’t, you must get some professional help to work on this. Working on your self-esteem is the best thing you can do for your marriage. Encourage and support your spouse to get help and work on his self-esteem also. Great marriages are made of two people who have confidence, strength and love for and in themselves first. Once you have this, you will be capable of giving real love — and will be ready for the real secret to fixing your marriage.

Are you ready for it?

Stop trying to "get" love from your spouse. Stop worrying about you and start giving "real love" to your spouse. That is in fact what real love is — more concern for the happiness of the other person than your own. You must become a giver, who gives with no strings attached. Don’t give so you can receive. Give because you genuinely want your spouse to feel appreciated, respected, admired and wanted.

If you do this your spouse will feel that it is genuine love, and when he feels this real unconditional love you are giving, even though he isn’t perfect and sometimes doesn’t deserve it, it will really mean a lot to him. He will, most likely, respond and start truly loving and giving to you. I say "most likely" because there are some people who are not capable of giving to you, no matter what you give to them, though these are rare, and even these people might change with some time and professional help. Trust your gut and you will know if this is happening in your case and what you need to do about it.

Just remember this rule: you get what you give. If you are bringing fear, lack, anger, protecting and getting energy into your marriage, your spouse will respond by worrying, protecting and getting for himself too. But if you give real love, concern, selfless service, kindness, forgiveness, understanding and compassion, you will get that back. If you strive every day to make your spouse feel appreciated, respected, admired and wanted, you will start feeling loved.

If you aren’t getting enough love back, it means more work is needed to repair the fears and insecurities that are making this person incapable of love. So, I strongly urge you to get some professional help. Ask around and find someone with a proven track record of success with couples. It may take a few tries to find someone that is a good fit for both of you.

Don’t give up if the first person you go to isn’t right, and don’t wait until you are on the verge of divorce to get help. Get help at the first sign that things aren’t right. You will save yourself years of heartache. A little help from an expert makes fixing anything easier. I also recommend meeting individually not together at first, so you can work on fixing your behavior and your self-esteem, not finger pointing at your spouse. I also have many resources for repairing relationships on my website that might help.

You can do this! 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach and speaker.