This was first published on KSl.COM

Question:

I work in an office with all women and there is so much cattiness, fighting, gossiping and judging that it is a pretty unpleasant place to work. I realize you might say I should leave and find another job, but jobs that work with my schedule and pay this well are hard to find. Is there anything I can do to be an agent of change or influence others to be kinder and more compassionate to each other? Or is there a way I can at least stay above it all and not let it bother me so much?

Answer:

Unfortunately, businesses who have a lot of female employees often have more office drama and gossip than offices with more male employees, but we also get calls from human resources directors whose companies are going through a merger, have high stress environments or are in fast growth, because stress and change always create people problems.

This happens because change and stress cause fear of failure and loss issues to rise to the surface, and these two fears are the hidden cause behind most bad behavior and relationship clashes. If the issues can’t be resolved by HR, they often bring us in for executive coaching and performance evaluations to figure out and solve these people problems fast.

Every single employee brings some pain, stress and fear around their families, money or relationships to work with them every day. These pressures in their personal lives mean they come to work almost every day in a fear state.

People functioning in a fear state will be easy to offend and quick to feel criticized, taken from, threatened or unsafe. These employees may be subconsciously looking for mistreatment and they could have a short fuse and a rather selfish viewpoint. Understanding the fear behind the behavior is the key to gaining compassion for them and seeing their gossip and bad behavior accurately.

Every person in your office is fighting a battle at home you know nothing about.

They are very likely in pain and fear, at some level, almost every day, and this is the real cause of their bad behavior. If you want to change how you feel at work, you must get a more accurate perspective about bad behavior and you must not take it personally.

People behave badly because of their fears about themselves. It is rarely about you.

Also remember — it is only hurt or hurting people that hurt people. This means the people whose behavior is bothering you most are the people in the most pain about their value and their journey. Bad behavior is always a sign of inner suffering.

We talk a lot in our articles about the two core fears (the fear of failure and the fear of loss) and how they drive human behavior. The truth is, whenever people are in a fear state they are completely focused on one thing: getting anything or doing anything they can to quiet the fear.

In this state they are incapable of thinking about what others may need or want. All they can focus on is "What would make this fear or pain stop?"

If someone functions in fear of failure, they are deeply afraid they might not be good enough. When the fear is bad and they experience shame or feel insecure, one of the most common ways they react (subconsciously respond) is they focus on any bad in the people around them.

The more they focus on other people's bad behavior, they don’t have to think about their own. We call this the Shame and Blame Game and we all play it at times. The more shame we feel, the more we blame others, criticize and gossip. I suspect many of the gossipers in your office are doing so, because they’re covering their deep insecurities or shame.

If any of you are prone to gossip yourself, ask yourself if your fear of not being good enough might be in play. Be aware of the safety you might feel if you put others down or focus on their bad. The first step to changing any bad behavior is being conscious of why you do it.

If someone functions from a fear of loss, they are deeply afraid of being taken from, mistreated or losing control. These people may be territorial, defensive, protective or controlling and they will be quick to be offended and see mistreatment everywhere, even when it’s not there.

We want you to understand the real cause of bad behavior so you will have more compassion for yourself and the people you work with. We recommend you don’t try to "stay above it" though, as that can be a place of judgment looking down at the "bad" people involved and that isn’t accurate as we all have the same intrinsic value.

Just see bad, immature gossip or dramatic behavior accurately, as fear-driven behavior that happens when people are afraid they aren’t good enough and need to look for the bad in others to distract them from their own.

If you see bad behavior accurately you may also see what these people need, which is to quiet their fear, so they can stop criticizing others to feel better. What they need is validation and reassurance about their worth. This is often the last thing you feel like giving someone who is acting haughty, arrogant or better than others, but it is what they need.

Look for opportunities to point out kindness, compassion and good behavior in your gossiping co-workers. Tell them often how grateful you are to work with such kind, encouraging and non-judgmental people.

You may even say that when you first came to work there you heard a lot of gossip and backbiting, and you are so grateful that doesn’t happen as much anymore. Tell the people who do it the most how positive they are and you admire the way they never say an unkind word about anyone.

I know this may seem like lying, but it’s really helping them see who they have the potential to be before they even show up that way. This positive encouragement literally encourages better behavior, because people always want to live up to your highest opinion of them.

When you point out their good qualities you literally push them in that direction. This is the most compassionate way to encourage better behavior. When you help them to see their light, instead of their darkness, you push them toward being their best.

It may also help you to remember that all unloving behavior is a request for love. Every unkind word or fearful reaction is a request for validation and reassurance they are good enough.

This is true for the people in your home, too. We have seen one person completely change the culture at work or home by just giving more compliments and validation to the team. When people start to feel safer, more appreciated and even admired at work, they are happier and show up with more respect and kindness.

Go get them with your positive uplifting attitude and help them rise into better behavior. Don't criticize or point out their bad behavior because that will increase their fear and will only make it worse.

If you do all this and they still remain in negativity and drama, see this as your perfect classroom, take nothing personally and work on being a source of light and love in your office anyway.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles and Nicole Cunningham are the founders of claritypointcoaching.com and Identiology.com. They are human behavior experts who help companies and individuals to be their best.

Question:
I have had some pretty negative feedback in my last review at work and I’m totally at a loss on how to fix it. They say I lack soft skills, communication and people skills, but how do I suddenly start to do better there? What’s the best way to change or improve on those levels? I admit that I don’t always show up great at work because I have a lot of difficult stuff going on at home. I probably bring those feelings to work and they make me harder to deal with. What do I do about that?
Answer:
Did you know that 85 percent of your career success depends on your people skills? New research has shown that many employers believe interpersonal and emotional intelligence skills are even more important than your hard skills or education.
Mark Murphy, who wrote the book "Hire for Attitude," says 46 percent of new-hire employees are let go within 18 months because their soft skills are inadequate or they have bad attitudes. Much has been written recently about millennials and their severe lack of people skills in the workplace, but the reality is we could all improve in this area. People skills are a definite must if you want career success.
The problem is they don’t teach these skills in school, and if you came from a family with low emotional intelligence, you probably picked up a lot of immature, fear-based, emotional and reactive tendencies. You may not be naturally good at getting along with, motivating or negotiating with others. You may not know how to be emotionally resilient, handle conflict or keep a positive attitude when things get rough. These skills are so important, if your company doesn’t provide training or personal development, you might have to go get some on your own.
Here is a list of some of the most important people skills employers are looking for and ways to improve yours:
The art of not making everything about you:This is really about social-awareness and understanding human behavior. Social-awareness means having empathy, being able to give presentations that are focused on the needs of the audience, not your desire to impress, and being able to anticipate how others might feel in any situation. It means knowing when a comment is appropriate and when your input really contributes and when it isn’t necessary. It means being a good listener, not interrupting others and not taking things personally.Many employers say the majority of their office drama comes from a few people who lack this skill and tend to make everything about them. They seem to lack a social filter and can’t see how their behavior comes across to other people. If you have this tendency in your subconscious programming, a good executive coach can guide you through this and help you understand human behavior at a deeper level. There are also many personal development seminars that facilitate this kind of work. You will have to become open to some serious feedback though, even if it hurts.
Just remember we all have the same intrinsic worth no matter what, and your need for some people skills doesn’t diminish your worth as a person.
Situational awareness and problem solving:This is the ability to see situations accurately and find solutions. It includes being able to prioritize and see what needs to be done first and who the right person is to do each task.Situational awareness is a hard soft skill to learn, but some experts think that doing puzzles, problem-solving games and even video games that include teamwork and strategic thinking may help. Many of these games require you to scan a situation and respond quickly and accurately. Millennials, who employers find lack many people skills, are often strong in this area. Maybe you need to start playing some strategy games and, even better, get your co-workers to do it with you.
Self-awareness and the ability to control your emotions:Can you process situations and how they make you feel clearly and accurately? Can you step back and calm yourself before reacting? Can you recognize what are facts and what are stories or meaning you have inaccurately applied?Self-awareness also includes the ability to know how much personal information is appropriate to share, clarity about your own strengths and weaknesses and the ability to own your mistakes, apologize and learn from them. If you can tell you aren’t self-aware enough, you may need to find an expert who can teach you mindfulness and show you how to process emotions in a healthy way and help you to see your strengths and weaknesses more accurately. We have a free assessment on our website that shows your subconscious tendencies on paper you may want to try. It’s a good start to understanding which areas you need work on.
Resilience:This is your ability to bounce back from challenges or failures, have flexibility with change and remain calm under pressure. This also includes your ability to manage stress, stay cool in a negative situation, and reduce your negative emotions when they show up.We believe a lack of resilience is a fear problem (because you fear failure and loss). We work specifically on reducing your subconscious fears in our coaching program because when those go down, your ability to be resilient goes up. Find an executive coach that specializes in eliminating the fear of change, rejection, setbacks, failure and loss. When you become resilient you will become bulletproof and in high demand at work.
Being proactive, not reactive:To reach your highest career potential, learning to be proactive is a must. You must learn to be responsible for your emotions, thoughts and reactions and gain the ability to self-monitor and regulate them.This is really about emotional maturity and the ability to respond to situations appropriately and at the right time. It means having long-range plans and not just putting out fires, and the ability to prioritize what is urgent and what is really important. It requires self-awareness and the ability to manage your impulses and prevent distractions. If you struggle with these, download our free paper on 14 ways to reach your potential at work. This gives you practical suggestions for rising above average.
Treating people with respect and showing up happy:There is a strong correlation between how happy you are (with yourself and your life) and the way you treat others. If you are dealing with a lot of negative thoughts and feelings of inadequacy, failure or disappointment in life, or if you have personal problems at home, you may subconsciously look for people to criticize or disrespect at work. When you find negatives in other people to focus on, it often distracts you from your own fear or pain.If you show up at work grouchy and treat people with disrespect, it is going to negatively affect your career. If you are discouraged or depressed with yourself or your life — do something about it. Again, I recommend working with an executive coach who can help you gain the skills to improve your mindset and learn to handle conflict with kindness.
If your personal relationship issues are causing problems with your behavior at work, own that and do something. Most people let negative situations go on way too long, mostly because they don’t know how to solve them. But there are answers and people who can help you … you just have to ask around to find them.
Don’t let any negative situation, feeling or pattern stay in your life. If you don’t know how to fix it, ask 10 people what they would recommend and find an option that works for you. The first thing you need is a change in perspective or mindset. Albert Einstein said, “We can not solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them."
You must gain a different perspective and look at the problem in a new way if you want to create change. We find most of our coaching clients experience major shifts in thinking with only one session and they feel better fast. But you can’t do better until you know better — so get out there and learn.
You can do this.

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

This was first published on KSL.COM

Question:

I am seriously overwhelmed and burned out, and I admit I complain about it more than I should. My spouse says she is tired of my childish drama about my problems and my discouragement. But is it drama if I really feel down and discouraged, and my life really is hard? She says I have a victim story that I’m stuck in, but this isn’t a story, my life really has been hard. That is truth, so I don’t think it’s a story. I’m not stuck either, I’m just going through a really rough time and I want people to cut me some slack. How can I handle my feelings about my life in a more mature way, though that won’t incite criticism or be seen as drama?

Answer:

I have no doubt your journey has been a rough one, and in some ways your trials justify a pity party and some complaining. The problem is you can't live there. Too much complaining about your troubles tends to make people lose respect for you and not like your company. They might feel sorry for you and give you sympathy love, but it won’t be the kind of love you are really after. Pity isn’t love.

It sounds to me like you haven’t had an opportunity to learn how to process emotions and consciously choose your mindset in a healthy way. Most people haven’t learned these skills, because they didn’t have parents who knew them and they don’t teach this stuff in school or church. The bottom line is, you can’t do better until you know better. So you just need some new skills.

You are also fighting your subconscious programming, which you adopted accidentally when you were just a small child. Many of your subconscious beliefs are fear-based and inaccurate, and they drive very immature behavior. Neuroscientists tell us 95 percent of our choices we make subconsciously. This means you are on autopilot most of the time and just reacting to life, not consciously choosing your behavior, which is why it might not be good.

Let me show you the difference between mature adult responses to life and emotions, and the childish reactions that are probably in your subconscious programming. You can test yourself on these and see how mature you show up:

1) Do you take things personally that really aren’t about you?

When a family member is unhappy, children assumes it’s their fault. When someone doesn’t like the food they made, they assume it’s personal and they aren’t good enough themselves. If someone disagrees with their opinion, they assume they aren’t valued.

If a family member is unhappy, mature adults care, but they also know it’s not their responsibility to fix it, because it’s out of their control. If someone doesn’t like the food they made, they realize it’s about the food, not about them. Adults don’t attach their value to their opinions, so they don’t take it personally if you disagree with them.

2) Do you feel jealous or threatened by other people’s successes?

A child sees a win for others as a loss for them. If mom says she is proud of a sibling, they assume she isn’t proud of them. A child is always watching to make sure things are fair and they aren’t getting less than anyone else.

Mature adults aren't jealous of others, because they see the universe as abundant, and a win for someone else doesn’t mean a loss for them. Adults aren't keeping score or expecting the universe to be fair. They understand they will always get their perfect classroom, and others will get theirs. They know life isn’t fair, but it is a wise teacher who knows what it’s doing.

3) Are you personally responsible for your emotions?

Children blame their emotions on events or other people. They think they can’t help feeling overwhelmed, angry or jealous. They think other people can make them sad. They also let emotions take over and become bigger and bigger. They can’t see that focusing on them and expressing them can make them worse. They haven't learned how to own responsiblity for any emotion. They don't get that every feeling is something you are choosing to feel.

Mature adults know they are responsible for how they choose to feel in every situation. They may get triggered and feel overwhelmed, angry or jealous, but they quickly realize being overwhelmed, angry or jealous is a choice. They can see when expressing emotion would just make it bigger and more painful. They don’t stuff emotions or suppress them either. They process through them, seeing the situation accurately and consciously choose how they want to feel and deal with this moment. Mature adults know that no one can make them feel anything. They can see that choosing suffering or misery doesn’t do any good.

4) Are you trusting the journey and being responsible for your part in a problem?

Children have temper tantrums when they don’t get what they want. They cry and yell and blame. They want things to be fair. They want to be in control of a situation and they feel “hard done by” when they don’t get the experience they wanted. They also like to blame others when things go wrong. (Well, he started it and I only hit back.) They don’t take responsibility for their part.

Mature adults don't resist “what is” but instead understand this exact situation is the right one to serve them and educate them in some way. They understand yelling and cursing (though it might feel good for a minute) doesn’t change anything and only makes them look immature. They let go of trying to control things they can’t control. They trust God and the universe know what they are doing. They know a victim mentality and feeling “hard done by” does no good and isn’t accurate. They embrace "what is" and look for the lessons in everything. They take personal responsibility for their part in every problem. They know they co-create their journey with the universe. They also understand if they are responsible, then they have power to change it. This might mean choosing to leave an abusive relationship, stepping up and changing their habits, or getting some professional help.

5) When you get offended, can you see being offended is a choice?

Children think being upset, hurt or offended by another is out of their control. They think having hurt feelings is a real wound. A child also thinks forgiving is hard and takes a long time.

Mature adults understand that offenses are just lessons and opportunities to stretch, love bigger and trust God (or the universe) at a deeper level. They know an offense doesn’t actually wound them, change their value or mean anything. It’s just a lesson and an opportunity to grow. They know forgiving is easy, as soon as you trust the classroom and see the experience as here to serve you.

6) Do you look for solutions to problems or just complain about them?

Children just like to complain to get sympathy. If they actually fixed the problem they wouldn’t have this great victim story and the pity love that comes with it. They would have to give that up and be strong and fine, which would mean less attention.

A mature adult knows that being respected is the foundation of real love. It’s hard to respect someone who has chosen weakness as a way to get validation. An adult would rather be strong and whole and focus on serving other people than be seen as weak and sad.

Now let's get real:

The reality is that we all behave like a child at times (myself included) because we are all functioning from our subconscious programming that was set in place when we were a child (most before we were 7 years old).

We all have to work to grow up every day. We must be committed to stepping back and looking at emotions, reactions and behavior honestly. Was that behavior childish? Was that who I really want to be? How could I trust the journey more and let go of anger, disappointment, self-pity, grudges and offenses? How could I take responsiblty for that behavior?

Make a commitment to upskill yourself this year and find a coach, counselor, class or seminar to help you break through the subconscious programming that is driving your bad behavior. There are lots of resources out there to help you, but the first (most important) step is owning that you need some better skills and tools. Drop the ego and the fear around asking for help. Asking for help is not weakness. Not asking for help because you are afraid of looking bad is weakness.

We are hosting a two-day Be Fearless seminar in January to help you break through the fears and problems that have held you back. We also offer private life coaching that might really help. Visit our website. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

This was first published on ksl.com
Question:

"Recently I watched a person who I’m close to and care about, treat another person I care about very badly. It made me so angry.

I found myself getting more and more angry the more I thought about it. I finally decided I had to say something because it was wrong and if no one else was going to speak up, I needed to.

I put them in their place, and I admit I might have been a little harsh, but I felt right about it. Now people are saying I shouldn’t have said anything.

So, I’m wondering, what would say is the right thing to do? Should we speak up and defend others when they are mistreated or should we just stay quiet?"

Answer:

The answer is…it depends.

It depends on a number of important factors, but before I give those factors to you, I want to make sure you understand that most people believe there are only two ways to respond to mistreatment. They are...

1) You allow the bad behavior to go on (and even allow yourself or other people to get walked on) because you are afraid it would be unkind or mean to speak up.

In this case you may be overly selfless, but also feel you are being nice and loving. People often refer to themselves as too nice here, but usually it is about feeling scared of hurting others. You would rather be mistreated and be a doormat, than speak up and risk hurting another person’s feelings or have them not like you.

2) You speak up and defend yourself and other people, because it is more important to be strong and right, than nice or loving.

In this case you tend to be overly selfish and strong, but sometimes too harsh and unkind. You feel OK about this because you see the other person as a threat to you or others.

People may say you are blunt, but it is more than just being strong enough to be honest, because it often comes from ego and even enjoyment in being right. You may think it’s better to err on the side of harsh and mean, than to be a doormat.

Think about those two options for a minute. Do you subconsciously believe these are your only two options? I’d like to introduce you to a third option.

3) I call this “the middle way” and you basically take the loving (from the 'weaker perspective) and the strong (from the 'mean' perspective) and putting them together. You learn to be both strong and loving at the same time.

This approach means speaking up, but doing it in a validating, kind, uplifting way that honors the value of both parties at the same time.

In order to find the "middle way" you must learn to quiet your fear and come from a space of trust and love instead.

This middle way may be foreign territory to you though, if you never had a parent or role model who behaved like this. You may need some coaching or to get some people skills in order to master it.

Here are 6 factors that should be in place if you are going to speak up or defend against mistreatment the right way:

1. You must trust the infinite, absolute and equal value of every human being on the planet.
   
   This means being very aware that despite errors this other person may have made, they still have the same value as you. This means you are not speaking down to them or treating them like they are less than you. This isn’t about being nice; it’s about being accurate.
   
   You may not have made this mistake, but you have made others. Get off your high horse and make sure you can talk to this person as a peer and as an equal, with respect and even validation of their worth.
   
   
2. You must remember life is a classroom and whatever happened – the reason it happened – is to give someone (or everyone involved) a lesson on being stronger, wiser or more loving.
   
   Everything that happens can be seen this way (if you choose this perspective).
   
   There can be purpose and meaning in every experience and your number one job then, is to figure out the lesson in it for you, before you focus on a lesson for another person.
   
   Sometimes you will be the teacher and it will be your place to give feedback, but other times you are also the student.So, before you put on the teacher's hat and set another person straight, make sure you have taken stock of how this situation can make you more mature, wise or loving. Figure out your lesson first.
   
   
3. Make sure it is really your place to teach this lesson to this person.
   
   Is it really your role or responsibility? If you honestly feel it is your place, go to number 4.
   
   
4. How would God or the universe want or expect this feedback to be given?
   
   Would harsh or mean behavior ever be the right way? Or would it make more sense to handle this with love, respect and validation?
   
   There is an Assessment on my website that shows on paper your subconscious tendency toward harsh mean behavior and/or weak or co-dependent behavior. You might find that interesting to see which way you unconsciously lean.
   
   
5. Would this person be more open to learning, growing or changing from this experience, if they were treated with respect and love?
   
   Sometimes when feedback feels like an attack, the walls go up and people get defensive and when this happens learning is less likely to take place.
   
   Once they get defensive they dig in and defend their bad behavior because the attack is now about their worth as a person. They will not be open to learning anything at this point.
   
   In order to create a space where someone feels safe enough to learn and grow, they must first feel validated and cared about. You must make them feel their worth, then ask if they would be open to some feedback. There is a Mutually Validating Communication Formula Worksheet on my website which will take you through handling conversations this way.
   
   
6. Check yourself and make sure you are coming from a place of love towards all parties involved, not a place judgment and criticism.
   
   Make sure you are not seeing yourself as better than anyone else. Make sure your agenda is to help them becoming stronger, wiser or more loving and the feedback is about serving them not condemning them.

Your original question was, “Should we speak up and defend others when they are mistreated or should we just stay quiet?”

My answer is YES, you should speak up if you can speak up, with the 6 factors above guiding you. If you aren't the right person or can’t do it the right way, then you should stay quiet until you can.

It means in cases where you value the relationship with this other person, and want to have a healthy one relationship, you might check your anger and ego at the door first, so you don’t destroy the relationship. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

This was first published on KSL.COM
Question:

I have a co-worker I’m worried about. She is really down after some major setbacks in her life and she is joking about death in a way that makes me worried she might kill herself. I try to be friendly and supportive, but I don’t know what I should say or do. I can’t find the right words and I don’t want to overstep or offend her. What should I do?

Answer:

There are 117 people who die by suicide every day in our country. In Utah, we lose one person every 15 hours, and the truth is that almost everyone goes through a time in their life when they think about ending it. This means, it is highly likely there is someone around you right now who is at risk for suicide. If we all understood the signs and how to respond, we could make a meaningful difference.

Research indicates that 80 percent of suicidal people make their intentions known to others beforehand and hope someone will reach out and help. These signals may include making a joke or off-hand comment about suicide. If you pick up on any unusual comment or behavior, you must act on it using the steps below.

You may also want to share this article with friends and family because it would make a huge difference if everyone was educated about what to do if you suspect suicide. This is as important as knowing CPR or any other first aid skill because it can save lives.

Here are some simple steps for what to do if you suspect suicide, from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention:

1. Know the warning signs. People who are thinking of suicide often leave clues. They might say things like “I can’t do this anymore” or “this just isn’t worth it” but more often the signs are subtle. There may be sudden changes in behavior, losing interest in things they used to care about, giving things away or shutting down. People who are going through rough life experiences like mental or physical illness, divorce, bankruptcy, loss of a loved one or losing a job are also more at risk. If you know someone is going through a challenging life experience and they are acting different, pay attention and reach out to them. Listen to your intuition and consider anything that is setting off alarm bells in your head a sign to act on.
   
2. ​Ask them directly if they are having thoughts of suicide. (This is the most important thing to do.) I know it is awkward and you may have fear of offending, but do it anyway. All the research has shown that asking openly about suicide is the best thing you can do to help.  You might say something like, “People who go through challenges like yours often have thoughts of suicide, have you been there?” “You seem really down, will you be honest with me? Are you having any thoughts of killing yourself?” In order to help them, you must get the topic of suicide out in the open. Beating around the bush won’t help. Ask directly and don’t stop if they dodge the question. Once the subject is on the table. …
3. ​Ask what is going on in their life — and listen without giving your opinion or advice. Don’t try to fix what’s wrong in their life. Just ask what’s going on and let them have a safe and quiet space to talk, be heard and supported. This proves someone cares. Say things like, “Tell me more about that” or “That sounds really difficult.” At this point, they just need to know someone cares enough to be there and listen to how they feel. Don’t panic or get scared because your fear won’t help. Stay calm because you are going to involve other people to help. You are not going to handle this by yourself. Also remember that most people don’t really want to die, they just want the pain to stop. Often just talking about their feelings lessens the pain.
4. Ask about their reasons to live. Most people who are having thoughts of suicide are not 100 percent committed to dying yet. They have reasons to end their life, but they also have reasons to live. Find out if they have family members, pets, friends or spiritual beliefs they care about. Ask them to tell you more about these. Say things like, “It sounds like you may have some reasons to stay safe for now.” “Would you be open to letting me help you explore a plan to stick around for now, and find some ways to change the pain you are feeling?” “If there was a way to stop the pain and make things better, would it be worth exploring?” The idea is to focus on reasons to stay safe for now.
   
   
5. Ask directly how serious they have been about suicide, did they have a plan? Ask questions like, “Have you figured out how or when you might take your life?” This helps you to assess if there is an immediate risk. If their plan is imminent or you feel at risk, you should call 911. The Suicide Prevention Lifeline says if desire, capability and a plan are all there, the person is highly at risk. Getting a person to share their plan will lower that risk. You may also ask if they are willing to dismantle that plan and let you keep them safe for now.
   
   

1. Get lots of professional and family (if there is some) support involved as soon as possible. To keep this person safe, you must get other people involved and broaden the shoulder of responsibility. Talk to the person about whom they would be comfortable bringing in. This may include a spouse, parent, child, religious leader, counselor, doctor, friend or even emergency services.
   
   Ask if they would be willing to talk to someone at the Suicide Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 or the Crisis Text Line can be reached by texting “START” to 741-741. Even if the risk of dying isn’t imminent, it would serve them to have additional support and professionals to talk to.
   
   (I highly recommend everyone put those numbers in your cellphone so you have them if you need them.)
   
   

1. The Suicide Prevention Lifeline is there to help you too. They welcome calls from people who are worried about someone, not just those who are suicidal. They are always willing to talk you through what to do and say.
   
   

Shari Sinwelski, associate project director at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, says, “Suicide prevention is everyone’s responsibility, it’s not just for clinicians or doctors. People are less likely to go to a counselor or a doctor than they are to show warning signs to their friends or family members.”

There is always uncertainty around the decision to die by suicide, and when someone reaches out in love and support, most people respond and are open to other options for dealing with their pain. If there is someone who cares enough to reach out, there is always hope.

Please don’t ignore the signs — you truly can make a difference.

You can do this.

Read some more great information on suicide prevention on the Crisis Center Website 

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

Question:
How do I stop being so shy and teach my children not to be so shy? I’m afraid of people and most situations and my children have picked up on this and are afraid too. Please help!!!!
Answer:
The good news is scientists have found the gene for shyness. They would have found it sooner but it was hiding behind some other genes.
Just kidding.
But I do have some good advice on this one.
The first crucial step in helping someone change their behavior is making them feel unconditionally loved and accepted for who they are now.
Make sure your child knows it’s OK to feel shy. It happens to everyone, and there is nothing wrong with him. There are actually some interesting advantages to being shy.
Shy people are usually more polite and considerate to others. They tend to pay more attention to things, because they aren’t as busy talking. Shy people may create better friendships, because they go for quality, not quantity. Shy people can be better at working independently and solving problems on their own. They may also be smarter, because they think things through more before they act.

Here are a few things you can do (and do with your children) to help you overcome fear of social interactions:
When going somewhere new, talk to your child and prepare him ahead of time. Talk about the anxiety he might feel and what he might feel afraid of. Talk about ways he can cope with his fears and calm himself down. If you are the shy person, you can think these things through and even journal about them. Write out some options for handling situations you think may happen
Plan some safe and successful social interactions. Plan lots of social events with familiar people as often as you can. This will build confidence for branching out to new settings with new people.
Learn some more social skills. You may want to find a coach or counselor who can teach you some communication and relationship skills. Knowing exactly how to respond to different situations gives you a lot of confidence. Visualize using these skills, practice, and role play with them at home. Practice how you would introduce yourself and start conversations. These are things your children also need to learn, so share what you learn with them.
Dale Carnegie’s book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” is a great book to teach you some of these skills. Carnegie recommends strategies like asking questions and letting other people do the majority of the talking. This makes people feel important and like you. Teaching children these techniques will empower them to handle social situations too.
Model healthy social behaviors yourself. Shyness is a highly genetic trait. You must show your child good social skills by example. If you avoid social situations or are nervous around people, you are teaching your child to fear people. Get some professional help with your own self-esteem and people skills if necessary.
Never criticize your child or embarrass them in public or around their peers. When they make a mistake, help them understand mistakes don't define them. We all make mistakes. They may have made a bad choice, but they are not a bad person. Mistakes are just lessons and nothing to be afraid of. Teach them to see life as a classroom (where we are learning, but our value isn’t in question) not a test (where everything counts on your grade). This one mind-set change will help a lot.
Teach your child that what other people think of him doesn’t matter. People are usually not paying attention to others anyway. They are focused on themselves. Help him understand that other people’s opinions can’t change or hurt him. They don’t mean anything.
Teach creative problem solving. Don’t solve problems for your child. Ask questions and empower him to figure out the answers on his own.
Let your child change slowly. Change is a process and happens slowly, step by step. Help your child to set small goals and make a little progress each week. Let him decide what those goals might be. Encourage things like talking to one new person today.
Visualization is a great way to practice social behavior. He can practice handling social situations differently in his head. Teach your child to practice in his mind until he is ready to try it for real.
The best way to encourage another person to change is by encouragement. Tell your child often how confident and capable he is. If you tell him he is strong and brave, he will believe you.
I would strongly recommend some coaching or counseling to help you overcome your social anxiety. It is an easy fix with a professional who knows how to help. After you get your fears under control, you will be able to teach your children a better way of feeling and responding to life. We also have lots of free resources on our website to help you overcome fear. They would really help too.
You can do this. 

This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question:
Help! I read your article about Not Being a Drama Queen and I have a small business full of women that are driving me crazy with drama and fighting. They are constantly against each other and offending each other. I tried to talk with them but it is getting so out of control. Please help me get them back on track and focused on work. Thank you. I am one stressed-out boss.
Answer:

As the boss, you need to think about creating a more positive corporate culture at work. Corporate culture is not just for big companies by the way, it exists in every company (of every size) whether you officially have one or not. If you don’t define a corporate culture, you will inadvertently create one that is based on you and your employees’ subconscious tendencies, attitudes and reactions. It sounds like the culture you have now is a negative, critical and angry one.

I recommend that you take some time and define your core values and principles on paper. Decide what kind of positive atmosphere you want to create at work. How do you want people to be treated? How do you want conflicts handled? What kind of behavior do you expect from your employees toward each other?

I believe that if you hire people, buy from people, sell to people or serve people (or deal with any other human beings at any level at all) in your business, you need a defined corporate culture that includes policies about people and how they are to be treated, both customers and co-workers.

The way employees treat each other is an often overlooked aspect of business. Most of our policies tend to focus on the delivery of the goods and services. They are more about processes than relationships and behavior. If you will expand your policies to include attitude, communication and interaction with each other, it will create better working environment and more productivity. Studies have shown that the average employee wastes around 2.5 hours a week dealing with office drama and people problems. If you taught your people better relationships skills and made policies about the human behavior part of your company culture, you could increase productivity and make work better for everyone.

We find companies that encourage (and even provide) opportunities for personal growth and development, improving relationship skills or executive coaching, just do better on every level. They are more successful, make more money and retain employees much longer. Investing in coaching, training, seminars or workshops for your people has a huge return on investment.

In the meantime, work on defining your core values and policies around human behavior. Then, put them up where everyone will see them, talk about them often, and live them by example. You may also need to start hiring people that believe in these values and are committed to living them. Make sure following the company’s core values and codes of human behavior are part of each person’s job description and that dishonoring the core values may lead to losing their job.

Here are some questions and suggestions to get you started creating a better corporate culture in your small business:

1. What are the principles and core values that are important to you at work? Here are some ideas: do you value honesty, compassion, work ethic, personal responsibility, respect, creativity, optimism, service, integrity or tolerance? Make a list of all the core values that are important to you.

2. Take an honest inventory of your own behavior and attitudes. Are you living the core values yourself? How can you lead by example and walk the walk, not just talk the talk? Make some specific commitments to improve your own behavior.

3. How do you believe people should be treated at work? What policies could you create to encourage that kind of treatment? Many of the companies I work with use policies like the following:

• It is our corporate policy that all human beings have the same intrinsic value and hence should be treated with the same level of compassion and respect. From the CEO to the mailroom, everyone has the same infinite human worth and deserves to be valued.
• It is our policy that every human being is a student in the classroom of life. They are each learning unique lessons and battling unique challenges. Understanding this means giving each person permission to be "a work in progress," imperfect, yet still deserving of respect. We all have more to learn.
• Because everyone gets a unique classroom journey, there is no level where comparing or judging others serves us. There is a difference between gossip and validating feedback from the appropriate source. We have a policy against gossip and backbiting, while we encourage everyone to stay teachable and open to feedback.
• Each person is the sum of their unique life experiences and knowledge, therefore each will have different ideas and opinions. Each idea deserves to be heard and respected (even if it isn’t the one we decide to go with). We are a speak freely, listen and keep an open mind company. We encourage respectful, mutually validating conversations and have a company procedure for how that is to be done.
• Everyone is scared, broken and in pain at some level. Everyone battles the same two core fears on a daily basis — the fear of failure (the fear they aren’t good enough) and the fear of loss (the fear of being mistreated or taken from). These fears have created broken pieces in most people, which cause them pain. Their fears and pain make them behave badly on occasion. We understand the real reason people behave badly (fear and pain) so we can interact with them more effectively. We understand that everyone needs validation and reassurance to quiet their fears. When we give this to others they become much easier to work with. We see bad behavior accurately and understand that most attacks aren’t about you. They are about the person’s fears.
  
  

4. Define a policy about how disagreements should be handled. This should include a procedure that is taught to everyone and followed. As the leader, you must handle people problems and arguments this way every time. Your people will do what you do, not what you say. So, if you handle problems in a mature, calm, respectful way, you will teach your employees to do the same. In my book, "Choosing Clarity," I outline a step-by-step procedure for having mutually validating conversations to resolve conflict that you could use. This includes talking to people in private, asking questions and listening first, making them feel heard and understood, then asking permission to share your perspective, and learning to use the right language so you don't offend. Find a procedure that works for you and teach it to your people.

5. Do you have a policy about honoring commitments and doing what you say you’re going to do? What should this policy include so everyone is accountable for their own performance. What is your procedure for handling poor performance? Make sure you have one.

6. Do you listen to others? Will you take the time to hear their opinions and show them they are valued? Is this important to you? We think this is one of the most important things you can do as the boss. If you are willing to listen to your people they will feel valued and respected, and they will work harder.

7. Are you on time and do you respect others? Is being on time or treating people right a company value? You could institute a program where employees can submit names of other employees who are doing a great job or treating them right for a reward. Encourage good behavior by rewarding and recognizing it.

These are just a few ideas to get you started. I encourage you to start defining policies, procedures, and core values for your small company right away and start instituting them by living them yourself. If you struggle trying to figure out what your policies should be or are struggling to live them yourself, you may want to hire an executive coach or consultant to help you. You may also consider bringing in some outside people skills training for your employees, sometimes people respond better to outside expert.

Start there and let me know how it goes.

You can do this.

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and an executive coach and corporate trainer.

This article was first published on KSL.com
Question:
I am, admittedly, a drama queen. I overreact to things and am even prone to temper tantrum-like behavior. I get offended easily and am almost always mad, sad or upset about something. What is wrong with me? Can you give me any advice that would help me not feel this way? I know these upset feelings are having a negative effect on my marriage, and I really want to change.
Answer:

I’m going to give it to you straight if that’s OK. You are basically psychologically immature. You let your subconscious programing and your emotions drive. It’s not your fault though. You were probably never taught another way of being, and you have been doing the best you could with what you knew. You may have had a parent who was the same way (reactive, easily offended or emotionally defensive).

Some people were lucky enough to have psychologically mature parents who taught them how to think situations through accurately and logically, and talk about feelings in a respectful way, but I would guess you didn’t get that.

The good news is that you change and learn to handle your life with more wisdom, compassion and mindfulness, but it is going to take some work. I would also strongly suggest getting some professional help. A guide who knows how to get you there would make changing a lot easier.

Tal Ben-Shahar, an author and lecturer at Harvard University and the author of the book "Being Happy," says psychological maturity has three components.

1. The ability to step back from a situation and see it from a more “big picture” perspective, letting go of your first emotional reaction and consciously choosing a more logical response.
2. The capacity to step back and see things from another person’s point of view.
3. The ability to detach from your need to be right and become teachable and open to changing your perspective in any situation.

It takes a lot of self-control to stop your emotional reactions and evaluate a situation logically. It also takes authentic love to go further than your own perspective and put yourself in their shoes and understand how they feel. There are some worksheets on my resources page on my website, which can help you learn to do this. Also, below are some questions you can also ask yourself when you get upset, offended or bothered by something.

Go through this process before you react to anything:

1. How big a deal will this be 10 years from now? Step back from this problem and try to get a long-term perspective on it. Chances are in the long haul this isn’t that big of a deal.
2. Am I taking this more personally than I have to? Most people behave badly only because they are scared themselves.They are either afraid of being insulted or looking bad (failure) or being taken from, cheated or wronged (loss). These two fears drive most human behavior. You must always ask yourself, “What is this person scared of? If you can identify their fear you will understand — it isn’t really about you.
3. What does this other person really want and need? What is the underlying cause of their behavior? Most people behave badly because they need love, attention, reassurance or validation. Bad behavior is not a good way to request validation, but this person may not know a better way. When other people are behaving badly, choose to give them what they really need (even if they don’t deserve it). Being loving is the right answer in most situations.
4. Is my fear of failure (not being good enough) in the way? If you have low self-esteem, this makes you see insults in everything. It makes you blow problems out of proportion and get offended by things that really can’t hurt you. You may need some professional help to improve your self-esteem before your self-control will improve. It’s worth whatever it costs for the peace it will create in your home. You must also remember that nothing can diminish you. Your value is infinite and absolute. You have the same value no matter what others think. You cannot be diminished or hurt without your permission. This means you can choose to see yourself as bulletproof if you want to. You can decide to let offenses bounce off you most of the time. Even if you choose to address an offense, you must do so with the understanding that your value is unchangeable, that way it will be less emotional.
5. Do I remember I get to choose how I will experience each situation? You have the power to choose your emotions. You can choose to be hurt and offended if you want to. You can create all kinds of unnecessary drama around this offense. You can use it to cast the other person as the bad guy so you can feel superior. You could use it to play the victim and get sympathy love, but if you choose this, people will lose respect for you and you will be giving away your power. Instead remember no person and no situation can make you upset. Your thoughts about the situation create your upset feelings. You are the one responsible for those thoughts — so only you can make you upset. Take responsibility for how you choose to feel. You may need to write out all your other options (besides being upset). There are other options and they are probably more mature, wise and loving.
6. Am I seeing this person or people as the same as me? We all have a subconscious tendency to see other people as better or worse than us. This mindset creates a lot of unnecessary drama, self-pity and conflict. In reality, we are all the same. We all have the same value. We are all struggling, scared, divine, amazing human beings in process. We are all students in the classroom of life and we are all afraid we aren’t good enough. When you see people as the same as you, you will respond with more love, compassion and wisdom.
7. Does this person’s bad behavior need to be addressed? There are times it definitely does need to be discussed for the health of the relationship, but you must have this discussion in a strong, loving and validating way. You must set aside your need to be right, superior or angry. You must focus on your love for them and your desire to have a better relationship. You must listen to how they feel and what they think first and honor and respect their right to feel the way they do. You must not disagree or criticize them. After you have listened to them, you must ask permission to share your feelings. It would be wise to use more “I” statements than “you” statements and focus on their future behavior more than their past behavior (which they cannot change). Ask them if, in the future, they would be willing to behave differently. There are instructions for having mutually validating conversations on my website too.

Nathaniel Branden wrote an amazing book in 1969 called "The Psychology of Self-Esteem." In the book he says, “Only if we have a rational approach to our emotions can we be free of paralyzing self-doubt, depression and fear.” I hope these questions will give you a way to step back and process emotions rationally. Again there are many other worksheets on my website that step you through processing emotions, offenses and upsets more accurately.

The path to eliminating the inner drama queen lies in seeing situations more accurately and learning to respond with more maturity, love, wisdom, honesty and compassion. It lies in learning to communicate better with more understanding and respect for yourself and others.

Even if you have never learned to do this, it’s not too late to change.

You can do it.

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach and professional speaker on people skills.

This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question:

My biggest complaint about my family and my job is a lack of appreciation. My spouse and children completely take for granted everything I do for them. They just assume I will always do everything for them, and my needs don’t seem to matter. I feel the same way at work too. I do more than anyone else, yet people act like I’m not important. Is it me? What can I do to feel more appreciated for all I do and give? All I want is my sacrifices to be noticed and appreciated.

Answer:

The real question here is "Do they really not appreciate you, or do you just not feel appreciated?"

If you have insecurities and low self-esteem, no matter what they do or say, it won’t be enough to fill your empty bucket. You will never feel appreciated. The truth is, other people cannot convince you that you have value. When I hear you say “All I want is my sacrifices to be noticed and appreciated,” I think what you are really saying is that you need your value validated. You need someone to fill your bucket, and that means it is probably empty. This tells me you are coming from a place of low self-esteem.

The problem is, the only person who can fill your bucket and keep it full is you. If you continue to make other people responsible for your self-esteem and filling your bucket, which basically has a hole in it because of your negative beliefs about yourself, they will resent it and this will feel a lot like un-appreciation.

If I am wrong and you already have good self-esteem and the people in your life still don’t appreciate you, then one of two things is happening. Either you are surrounded (on all sides) by people who are selfish and focused their needs, which is highly unlikely. Or you are still giving and serving with a (possibly subconscious) sense of neediness, entitlement or obligation behind it, and this is making people ungrateful.

For example, if you feel entitled to gratitude and expect something back from your gifts, this makes your gifts about getting what you need, not giving to them and no one appreciates these kinds of gifts.

Since I’m not sure what is happening in your situation, I’m going to tell you how to solve all these problems. If you will work on these six things, I promise the people in your life will respond with more gratitude.

1. Work on your self-esteem by redefining what gives you — and all human beings — value. You must decide where your value as a human being comes from. Is it based in your appearance, performance and what others think of you? Or is it based in your nature as a child of God and your uniqueness as a one-of-a-kind divine soul? I encourage you to stop trying to earn your value through your appearance, performance and the approval of others. Instead, see your value as infinite and absolute, unchangeable, and not in question at all, because life is a classroom, where you are here to learn, it is not a test to determine your value. If you choose to see life as a classroom not a test, this mindset shift will take most of the pressure off. The more you accept your value as infinite and stay the same no matter what you do, the less validation you will need from other people. You will feel a peaceful sense of true value all the time and your bucket will stay full. This will make you less needy and more attractive to others.
2. Take better care of yourself. Make sure you have a healthy balance between giving to others and taking care of yourself. Remember, you are in charge of making sure your needs are met. If you give too much and never take care of yourself, your family and co-workers will begin to take that for granted. They will expect that behavior and it will be your fault. You will have taught them that your needs aren’t important. If you are asking for what you want and need, and taking care of you, you won't feel overburdened or taken for granted, and you will be teaching them to honor your needs. You will also have a full bucket and more to give.
3. Give to others from a place of love. There are two emotions you can give from: love or fear. Giving from fear means you have low self-esteem and are afraid you aren’t good enough, and that means you are in desperate need of validation and appreciation from others. When you give gifts from this needy place, your gifts have strings attached. You need something back (in the form of validation) from the person you are serving. When you give from this place, it doesn’t feel like a gift. It feels like an obligation and people don't appreciate that. When you give gifts from love, needing nothing in return, it feels like a real gift and people tend to appreciate those. If you are doing steps 1 and 2, you should have a full bucket, and you should be able to give gifts from love. When people feel real love behind your actions, they will appreciate you.
4. Make sure you are giving because you want to not from a sense of obligation. If you give or serve because you are supposed to, need to, have to or should, the truth is, you don’t really want to. That again, is not much of a gift. It is a forced gift and no one really appreciates a gift you didn’t want to give in the first place. In your mind, they should really appreciate these gifts even more, because you sacrificed to give them, but they won’t. They don’t want a gift that is laced with guilt. They only want a gift or service that comes from your heart because you wanted to give it.
5. Stop trying to get appreciated. I hope you are hearing this idea behind all the other steps. If you want to be appreciated you must stop trying to get appreciated. Your neediness is making everything you do about you. When you stop trying to get appreciation and start giving to the people in your life from a true sense of love, you will be naturally appreciated.
6. Be grateful and give more appreciation. There is a law in this universe called “You get what you give." This means if you want more appreciation, you must give more appreciation. Shower the people in your life with gratitude for every little thing they do. Make sure appreciating others is a core part of who you are. But again remember, this has to be real gratitude. You can’t fake this. You may need to spend some time putting on paper all the things you are truly grateful for. Try to imagine your life without them and find a true sense of appreciation.

Tony Robbins said, “Change your expectation to appreciation and the world changes instantly.

I promise, the fastest way to change other people is to change yourself. When you change YOU, and choose to live from love instead of fear and lack, they cannot respond to you the way the same way. Give more love to yourself and others, focus less on your fear, and this situation will change.

You can do this.

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular speaker on people skills www.speakerkimgiles.com

First published on KSL.COM
Question:

I have a really difficult mother-in-law, who continually disrespects my wife and I and our ability to parent our children. She often manipulates us with guilt to get us to do what she wants us to do, yet nothing we ever do is good enough either. When my wife has tried to talk to her mom about her behavior it blows up and she ends up mad at us. Whenever my wife and I fight my wife also runs to her mom with all the details, which is making the situation even worse. I am hoping you have some advice on the in-law topic that would be helpful to me and many others who have in-law challenges.

Answer:

I think it might serve us all to get some clarity on the problem and define some rules of engagement for everyone to follow.

Most of these mother-in-law relationship problems are created because the mother-in-law is suffering from a fear of loss. This is the fear of losing out, missing out, being mistreated or being taken from at some level. Many women feel like they are literally losing their child (a child who has the been the focus of their attention for many years) when the child marries. The mother-in-law may get controlling, needy and selfish in an effort to hold on, stay involved and feel a sense of importance in your life. They may subconsciously see the spouse as a threat and try to undermine the relationship (this could be a conscious effort, but it could also happen subconsciously.) Most of these women are trying to be good, loving people, but their fear is making them needy and selfish and they are missing your needs.

The problem with trying to talk to a person (who is suffering from this much fear) about their behavior, is they will only see it as an attack. If you can’t talk to her about the issues, then you must work on the tips below for you (including enforcing strong boundaries) and hope she gets it after a while. Or you could share this article with her and ask her for some other specific ways you could treat her better. Focus on how you can treat her better because you want to improve your relationship, and hope that she sees the wisdom in treating you better too.

Your mother-in-law is not a bad person though, she is just a scared person. What she needs is reassurance, validation, appreciation and to know that she is important and valued, and the good news is, you can give her these things without letting her control your life. You must enforce strong, resolute, but loving, boundaries with her and then let her process through any anger or drama she choses to experience about your boundaries on her own. You cannot feel guilty about it. The less you join in the drama, the more pointless the drama will become for her.

Here are some simple relationship rules for all married people and mothers-in-law to live by.

For all mothers-in-law:

1. Let your child and their spouse do things their own way. Let them learn to parent on their own (unless they ask for your advice). Respect their parenting decisions and trust that whatever they decide will be the perfect classroom journey for that child. It is not your job to intervene unless there is abuse or neglect happening.
   
   
2. Don’t be greedy. Understand that they (your child and their spouse) are going to need time alone, time with their spouse’s family, and time with your family. This means you are never going to get as much time as you’d like. That is just the way it has to be. Get used to it. Understand that the more demanding you are the less they’ll want to be with you. Instead of feeling left out, explore the possibility that there is a reason you are supposed to focus your time on your other children or your own spouse right now.
   
   
3. Let your child’s spouse be their first priority. If you love him/her you must let them choose their spouse over you. It’s supposed to be that way. If you make your child put you first, it will weaken their marriage, which will hurt them. Put your child’s needs before your own — that is a parent’s job
   
   
4. If you don’t like a situation or have concerns about your child, then talk to them privately in a loving, validating way. (If you don’t know how to have a mutually validating conversation get my book and learn how — its the most important life skill you can gain. The book is also full of family relationship advice.)
   
   
5. Compliment your child and their spouse as much as possible — never criticize. Criticism will poison your relationship. If you have a helpful suggestion, ask permission to share it. Say, “Would you kids be open to a suggestion on how you might handle this situation, or would you rather me stay out of it. I’m totally fine either way.” Don’t feel bad if they want to figure it out on their own.
   
   
6. Never say anything negative about your child’s spouse. Your job is to have compassion and love for everyone. If your child comes to you with complaints about their spouse understand they are sharing feelings (feelings that may change later). They are also sharing perspective, not necessarily truth. There are always two sides to every story. Try not to take sides, just be a listening ear and a source of support and love. As much as possible, encourage your child to stay loyal to their spouse on every level and to seek out professional help at the first sign of trouble.
   
   
7. Work on being a good friend to your child’s spouse. This means being loyal, supportive, understanding and compassionate to them. If you don’t like this person, get over it. For now, they are your family and your job is to love them as they are. This is what Godlike love is all about and this may be your perfect classroom to learn it.
   
   
8. Respect their space. Don’t stop by unannounced, don’t clean things they didn’t ask you to clean, walk in without knocking, or assume everything in their life is your business. Healthy boundaries create healthy relationships. Honor their wishes for their children. Don’t overly spoil or give your grandkids things their parents don’t want them to have. Honor their role as the parents and they will want you involved more often.
   
   
9. Don’t buy your daughter-in-law clothes or home decor as gifts, since her style might be different from yours. Gift cards honor who she is and prevent anyone getting offended.
   
   
10. In every situation try to put yourself in their shoes and think about how they might feel. Recognize your own fears of loss and set them aside — trust everything will be fine and act from love. Remember that your child and their spouse just want to be respected, admired, appreciated and wanted. Be a mother-in-law who gives this, and you will get it back.
    
    

Dr. Phil says, “You are a guest in their marriage and a guest in their home. You have to fold into their rules if you want to be welcome there.”

How to be a great son-in-law or daughter-in-law:

1. Insist that your parents accept your spouse and respect him or her. Do not tolerate them speaking ill of your spouse and DO NOT TAKE YOUR PERSONAL MARRIAGE problems to your parents. Be loyal to your spouse. If you are having problems, talk to your spouse about them or get professional help.
   
   
2. If your parents are causing problems in your marriage, limit the amount of time you spend with them. Your marriage has to come first. If your parents are unkind or disrespectful to your spouse, it is your job to defend him/her. You must be the one to ask your parents to treat your spouse right.
   
   
3. Support your spouse to have a close relationship with their parent if they want that. Don’t get possessive, needy, or worry about being left out. (That would be fear of loss energy, which isn’t attractive.) Show your spouse you support them and have no fear. This kind of love will be noticed and appreciated.
   
   
4. Be loyal to your spouse first. Your spouse has to come before your parents. You can have a close relationship with your parents but when push comes to shove, you must show your spouse they are number one. If you can’t do this, your marriage will suffer and your happiness too. Couples who stick together can handle any in-law problems together.
   
   
5. If you don’t like your mother or father-in-law, that’s fine, but you do have to respect them and care for them. Causing problems between your spouse and his/her parents will make your whole family suffer. Let the grandparents spend time with your children (unless abuse is in the mix) your kids will benefit.
   
   
6. Communicate and set clear boundaries and expectations ahead of time about what you need and expect. Don’t keep quiet, then resent your in-laws for not behaving the way you wanted them to. Just be honest. You can do this with love, by asking questions about how they feel and then asking if you can share what works for you. You really can be strong and loving at the same time.
   
   
7. Treat you in-laws the same way you treat your own parents. If you do anything for your mom, make sure you do it for your mother-in-law too.
   
   
8. Don’t expect parents or in-laws to be your source of free child care — unless they offer to do this for you. Make sure you don’t ask too much.
   
   
9. Ask your mother-in-law for advice on parenting, cooking and anything else she is into. You don’t have to take it. Just show her you appreciate her and admire her. Remember everyone wants to feel respected, admired, appreciated and wanted. Being someone who gives this feels amazing. You will like yourself if you are this kind of giver.

If you are still struggling with this, I highly recommend some relationhips skills training with a professional coach or counselor.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach and speaker.