Question:

I feel guilty if I do anything nice for myself. I can't sleep in, sit down to watch a movie or even take a vacation without feeling irresponsible. I feel selfish if I do anything that makes me happy, especially if it means putting someone else out or taking time away from my family. So, instead I stay home and focus on making everyone else happy, but in the end no one appreciates it and I feel terrible. Any advice for me?

Answer:

You are not alone on this one.

A lot of people are conflicted about self-sacrifice versus taking care of themselves. Many of us have a faulty subconscious rule in our head that says, “You have to put other people’s needs before your own or you are a selfish person.” You may also have a subconscious rule that says, “Unless you are constantly working and productive, you’re lazy.”

The problem is, like many other subconscious rules, these rules aren’t accurate and can cause real problems in your life. If you always put other people’s needs before your own, you will soon have nothing left to give. Unless you take some time to relax and take care of yourself, you will soon burn out.

You may want to adopt some new, more accurate rules or beliefs about self-sacrifice and leisure time. You have the power to decide what your rules and values will be. I encourage my clients to write out their old fear-based rules on paper so they can take a good look at them. Then, consider what the old rule has given them and what it has cost them. Then, I encourage them to write a new rule, based on principles of truth.

Let’s explore some principles of truth regarding self-sacrifice, which might make better rules.

1.) If you are too self-sacrificing, no one will appreciate it. Most of the time, when you sacrifice and give too much you are doing it to earn love, validation or approval from other people. The problem is, the more you sacrifice, the more these people expect you to sacrifice. They may even start to feel entitled to it and they may become abusive toward you. This happens because if you don’t value yourself, you are actually teaching the people in your life, not to value you, either. You are literally training them to take you for granted. This also makes them lose respect for you.

2.) Out-of-balance "give and take" hurts your relationships. Giving too much will cause the other person to lose respect for you and take you for granted, but it will also make you resent them. When you give too much, you will eventually resent the other person for letting you do it.

For example: If you agree to watch your neighbor’s kids when you really don’t want to but say yes because you feel too guilty to say no, you will end up resenting your neighbor for asking you, even though you were the one who said yes. You must start taking care of yourself so you won’t resent other people.

3.) Self-sacrifice does not always serve the other person. If you continually do everything for other people, you deny them the experience of caring for themselves. This often disrupts lessons the universe is trying to teach them. Instead, you are teaching this person that it’s OK to treat people badly and take advantage of others. They need to learn this is not true. You are in the perfect position to teach this, by refusing to do things for them anymore.

4.) The principle of self-defense trumps self-sacrifice. You most likely believe it is wrong to kill another human being. This is probably a strongly-held belief that you would never consider breaking — unless, of course, someone breaks into your home and threatens to kill your family. Then, you would feel justified killing the person because your life is just as valuable as his, and because his intentions were selfish, which gives you permission to be selfish, too.

Think about what this means in the rest of your life. There are times that taking care of yourself must trump the principle of self-sacrifice.

5.) We all have the same value. You are as important as everyone else. Remember the golden rule, to do unto others as you would have them do unto you? This rule works both ways. You must also do unto yourself, as you would do unto others.

Don't you want your children, friends and family members to value themselves, relax, nurture and even pamper themselves on occasion? You would surely encourage them to be responsible and work hard, but you would absolutely encourage them to take care of themselves and have some fun. It’s time to do unto yourself what you would want for them.

6.) You aren’t capable of real love until your own needs are met. If you are not getting enough of what you need (love, appreciation, validation, happiness, relaxation, etc.) then you are always coming from a needy position with an empty bucket. If you try to give from this place, you are giving with strings attached, because you are hoping that if you give to others, they will give back to you and fill your empty bucket. This doesn’t work, though, because you are giving non-existing water from your empty bucket, hoping to get real water back. This kind of giving leaves you depleted and empty, and the other person unappreciative of the gift, because it was really about you.

When you take care of yourself, making sure your needs are met first, you have a full bucket. You now have something to give, and people will appreciate the gift because it is given with no strings attached. Remember, self-sacrifice is a noble thing, if the gift is given because one wants to give it. But if a gift if given from a place of obligation, guilt, neediness or a desire to win approval, it is not really a gift at all.

If you have problems with these issues, you may want to seek some professional help to re-write your rules and change the way you show up in your relationships. It will benefit everyone if you do.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

How can person fight anxiety (without the use of medication) when they feel it coming on? I heard there was a way to change your thinking that might help. Can you explain how I can do that?

Answer:

First, let me clarify that the term “anxiety” can be used to describe a whole range of experiences, from just feeling overwhelmed to serious medical conditions.

Anxiety can also be caused by a large number of factors — everything from genetic conditions, brain chemistry problems, substance abuse or just trying to do too much too fast. In this article I am addressing the more common, non-medical condition type. If you suffer from an anxiety disorder, you should talk to a medical professional for advice.

The one commonality these anxiety experiences share is that they all get worse when you experience stress. Stress, by the way, is a fear problem. (I know some of my readers are bothered by the fact that I believe every problem is a fear problem, but I assure you it is. If you can't see that yet, keep looking at it.)

Facing fear

The next time you feel anxiety, ask yourself, “What am I afraid of?” You are either afraid of looking bad, being rejected and failing, or you are afraid of losing something (reputation, money, opportunities, etc.) Once you clearly define the fear, you can process your way out of it with better thinking.

Learning how to think situations through in an accurate, positive way will make a huge difference, no matter what kind of anxiety you have (though some forms of anxiety will require medical or professional help along with better thinking).

The fastest way to change your thinking is to choose trust in two truths that are the opposite of the two most common fears.

The two most common fears that cause anxiety are:

1. The fear of failure: that you might not be good enough.
2. The fear of loss: that your life won’t be good enough.

You can consciously choose to replace these, in any moment, by choosing to trust in these two truths:

1. Your value isn’t on the line, because life is a classroom, not a test. This means your value is infinite and absolute and you cannot be diminished by anything. If there is no test, you cannot fail. You are always good enough, as you are, right now.
2. Your journey is always the perfect journey for you. Everything that happens, happens for a reason, to teach you your next perfect lesson. These lesson aren’t always fun, but they always serve you and help you grow.

At first it might seem difficult to just choose to trust and not be anxious. But if it seems hard, it is only because your choosing muscles are a little weak. You have probably been letting your subconscious fears drive your thoughts for most of your life, but you can do this. You just need some practice and you can take control of what happens in your head.

The power of choices

Remember: The one power you have in every situation is the power to choose your mindset.

We learned this from Victor Frankl, a Viennese psychotherapist who was a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp. In spite of everything in his life that went wrong, he chose an attitude of trust and love. What many people don’t know about Frankl is that he went on to become the father of logotherapy (a kind of therapy that encourges people to choose how they want to experience each situation). “Logos” is the Greek word that means, “To make meaning out of something.”

Frankl believed that you get to decide what each event in your life means, because events don't mean anything until you apply meaning to them. You get to choose your attitude and how every experience will affect your life — but if you don't make this choice, your subconscious mind will choose for you, and it will usually choose fear.

Frankl believed that you should reframe each experience in whatever way best serves you (still within the framework of reality, of course). If trusting the process of life and seeing it as a safe process with meaning and purpose gives you peace, you should choose that outlook.

I believe choosing to trust that everything happens for a reason serves your process of growth, eliminates fear and makes life better.

The formula

This is my formula for eliminating anxious thoughts in the moment:

1. Identify what the problem really is. What are you afraid of?
2. Is there anything you can do about this, in this moment?
3. If there is, do it.
4. If there is not, choose to trust that it will be OK. It will be what it is meant to be. There is no sense in suffering over something you have no power to control or change. You might as well trust the universe that whatever happens will serve you somehow.
5. Choose to focus on something more positive. I recommend finding someone to give to, love or validate. Love eliminates fear, fast.

Also remember that life is meant to be a challenge. If it were easy, it wouldn’t serve you or help you to grow. Understand that you are meant to be more than you currently are, and life is sending you the perfect experiences you need to help you become the person you are meant to become. Don’t get bent out of shape or scared by the challenges; they are for your good.

"Nothing in life creates more deep-seated anxieties than the false assumption that life should be free from anxieties and problems." –Unknown

You cannot control life and you won't always be able to make it the way you want it, so you might as well just trust it.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

I like your advice columns on KSL — they really make me stretch and think. One thing that has always bothered me though is the statement you use, "Don't take things too personally." What do you mean by that?

Answer:

“Don’t take things personally” means you should not let other people's comments, actions, attitudes, opinions or choices affect how you feel about yourself or your life, even if they are a direct and personal attack.

(Yes, even direct and personal attacks do not have to be taken personally.)

You have the option of saying to yourself, “This person has the right to feel this way if they want to, but I don’t have to agree with them, own their feelings, or let them affect me in any way. That is my right.”

One of my favorite authors, Don Miguel Ruiz, in his book "The Four Agreements," says, “There is a huge amount of emotional freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally … the whole world can gossip about you and send you emotional poison, and if you don’t take it personally, you will not eat it.”

You can simply decided not to be affected by the event.

Events don’t mean anything until you apply meaning to them anyway. In the past you have applied meaning that caused you pain and suffering, but you have the option of changing how you experience these situations.

You could decide to understand that other people's problems are not really about you. This is an important principle of human behavior (so make a note of it) — Most bad behavior is motivated by their own fears about themselves. It is rarely really about you.

This means most of their attacks are driven by their own fears of failure or loss, and those fears are their problem. Their fears may cause them to feel threatened by you and even cast you as the bad guy, because it makes them feel safer. But just because they cast you as the bad guy doesn’t mean you are. That is just their story.

You do not have to believe the story. You do not have to take it on, adopt it or own it, because doing so will only create unnecessary suffering in your life.

Unless, you really are behaving badly. You should always be willing to take a look at yourself and honestly assess if there is any truth to what they say. If there is truth, you may want to learn from this, commit to do better, and then let go of the offense because holding on to it won't serve anyone.

If there is no truth behind their attack, you must develop a thicker skin so you can stay in a place of truth, love and peace no matter what anyone says or does around you. You must be able to hold on to the truth about who you are and not let anyone take it from you.

Don Miguel Ruiz calls a thick skin “immunity to poison in the middle of hell.” When another person throws their hate, anger and bitterness all over you, you can just peacefully let it slide off. Nothing sticks unless you decide to pick it up and carry it.

Don't pick it up and carry it. Don't take it personally.

You do not have to stand there and take abuse from anyone, though. I physically remove myself from these types of situations post haste. But if you can’t remove yourself, you are still bulletproof because this person cannot diminish you without your permission.

You are bulletproof because you are an infinitely valuable, eternal being whose value cannot be diminished. You do not need to defend yourself, because offenses are only an illusion. They are an illusion because you cannot be diminished. You are the same you no matter what they say or do, and if there is no diminishment possible, there is really no offense possible. If there is no offense, there is no need to defend.

You are too bulletproof to need any defense.

Superman doesn’t defend himself (or get offended) when people shoot at him because their bullets have no effect. He just stands there and smiles. Why waste the energy being offended?

You must know who you are and let that truth override everything else. If they tell you you’re horrible, you can honor and respect their right to think what they think, but you don't have to take it personally and waste energy thinking about it.

If our children say, “Mom, that kid says I’m dumb,” my husband always asks, “Well are you dumb?” “No.” “Then what’s the problem?”

If you own the truth about who you are, what other people think is irrelevant.

Ruiz also says, “by takings things personally, you set yourself up to suffer for nothing.” Don’t sign up for unnecessary suffering. “Your anger, jealousy and envy will all disappear, and even your sadness will simply disappear if you just don’t take things personally.”

If you remember this (and stand firm in this truth) you can remain unaffected by anything anyone dishes out, but getting this strong will take some practice. If this is a challenge for you, you might want to get some professional help, from a counselor or coach, to help you improve your self-worth.

It will take a little practice, but you can do it. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a life coach and speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

I have just been called to be a welfare specialist in my LDS ward where we have more than 160 low-income housing apartments. I would like insights into how to coach those who need help in lifting their hopes and lives a little. How can I help them stay optimistic?

Answer:

I would love to share some tips on choosing a positive mindset, and hopefully you will have opportunities to share these principles with the people you serve. I would recommend you do a lot of listening first, though. People must know that you care, before they care about what you know.

Listening shows people that you value them as they are, where they are, and are not just trying to fix them. Then, I would ask if they are open to some advice. Permission questions show people that you honor and respect them. Then you might share the following principles and suggestions.

Principle 1: You have the power to choose your attitude.

You may not have control over the events in your life, but you do get to choose how you will experience those events. It is the one choice no one can take from you. We learned this from Viktor Frankl, who spent time in Nazi concentration camps. They took everything he had, but they could not take away his power to choose his attitude, he said. Even though he was in the worst situation imaginable, he chose love over fear.

You have the power to choose love over fear, too.

Principle 2: When choosing your attitude, you have only two choices: fear, or trust and love (every other state falls under one of those). This makes the choice a simple one.

In every moment of your life, you can consciously choose a mindset of trust and love, or you can react unconsciously without thinking. If you do this, your subconscious mind will usually choose fear. I recommend consciousness.

Conscious choice requires you to wake up and become aware of what you are experiencing and how you are reacting to that experience. You have to get off autopilot and choose how you want to feel in this moment.

This will require practice and effort if you have been asleep most of your life. You may also have created some subconscious bad habits: things like taking things too personally, over-generalizing, catastrophizing or creating unnecessary drama to get attention. You will have to start catching these behaviors and consciously choosing something better.

The first step is choosing to see the process of life as a safe one.

Principle 3: Choosing to see life as a classroom, not a test, will take your fear of failure off the table. When you choose to trust the process of life and see it as your perfect process of growth, it will take the fear of loss off the table. Living from this place will create more peace and joy.

I recommend you make this your official policy: life is a classroom and my value isn’t on the line. Give yourself permission to be a work in progress, a person who doesn't have to be perfect. This mindset will change the way you feel about mistakes and misfortune.

Dr. Martin Seligman, in his book "Learned Optimism," said the main difference between optimists and pessimists is that pessimists see failure and misfortune as permanent and personal, while optimists see misfortune as non-permanent and non-personal, meaning they don't let mistakes affect their value or define who they are.

You get to decide how you want to experience each situation in your life. I highly recommend seeing each experience as a lesson or a location on your journey, which has nothing to do with who you are.

Here are some other suggestions for a positive attitude:

• Watch the words you use for accuracy. Don’t over exaggerate or over generalize, using words like, “I’ll never be good enough. No one will ever love me.” These statements aren’t accurate. Accurate would be, “This person didn’t love me, but that doesn’t mean someone else won’t.” Your words have power, so choose them carefully.
• Don’t compare yourself with other people. You are a completely unique, one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable human soul on a custom journey made just for you. There is no level where it serves you to compare. Make a hard-and-fast rule not to do it.
• Choose to believe that things happen for a reason. Greet every experience (good or bad) with curiosity and gratitude, because it is going to serve your process of growth in some way.
• Don’t take anything personally. Remember most bad behavior is based in the other person’s fear about himself. It is not about you.
• Stop predicting the future and assuming the worst. Be optimistic and assume the future will be great. Trust you are safe no matter what happens. Choosing optimism won’t change what the universe has planned for you in the future, but your attitude will greatly impact the quality of today.
• Choose optimistic friends. Spend time with positive people, not complainers.
• Have more fun and laugh more.
• Focus on gratitude and count your blessings daily.
• Be the force for love in the room everywhere you go. You will feel fantastic and people will be drawn to you.

Groucho Marx, of all people, said, "Each morning when I open my eyes, I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.”

I know that it is hard to stay positive when things go wrong, but the only other choice (fear and depression) will make you more miserable — so keep working at choosing trust and love, and it will get easier over time.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.