Question:

My spouse hates her mother. She hasn't seen or spoken to her in nearly a decade and still says she is not ready to forgive her. I try to visit her mother with our kids when I can. My youngest is getting baptized and I invited her to his baptism and my wife is furious. I feel like the baptism is not about my wife; it's about my son and he wants his Grandma there. My wife is threatening to not attend the baptism. What should I do? I need help!

Answer:

See if you can get your mother-in-law to write a sincere apology letter to your wife. Make sure the letter honestly owns her mistakes and asks for forgiveness. Then give the letter to your wife along with this article. Tell her you reached out to me only because you didn’t know what else to do because you don’t want her to suffer anymore. Ask her to read it all and consider the possibility that she could feel differently.

But, keep in mind that you can’t push your wife into forgiveness. It has to come from her heart in order to be real. She must change her mind to see this whole mess differently. All you can ask is that she be willing to read some things and think about it.

It’s very important that she doesn’t feel judged by you for struggling with this. She has every right to be where she is. Your job is to forgive her for struggling to forgive her mom.

We are all here (on earth) to learn and grow, and our main objective here is to learn to love ourselves, God and other people at a deeper level. If this is true, forgiving is the most important lesson. It’s easy to love people who are kind and good to us. Loving people who hurt us is a challenge that pushes us to the limits of our loving abilities. Forgiving your enemies makes you stretch and grow.

If you are going to change how you feel about an offense, you must learn to look at the situation in a new way. I’m going to help you do that. You may feel like you aren’t ready, but "I'm not ready" is usually an excuse we use when we can't articulate the real reason we don't want to forgive.

You must identify the real reason you don't want to forgive first, so you can work past it.

Here are some possibilities:

• Do you think staying angry protects you from further mistreatment and forgiving would allow more of it?
• Is staying mad (and casting this person as the bad guy in your story) allowing you to avoid looking at your own faults, mistakes or pain? Sometimes it’s less painful to be mad than it is to deal with your part in whatever happened. Do you need to see the other person as the bad one in order to feel good about yourself?
• Are you using anger and hurt as an excuse to keep people away from you, because you actually have issues around dealing with emotions and relationships, and you would rather avoid the whole thing? Is your anger justifying or giving you a reason not to process your emotions or learn better relationship skills, yet blame it on someone else?
• Are you waiting to see more shame and guilt on the other person before you can forgive? Do you feel like they haven’t been punished enough?

Now, here is the truth about each of those:

• Staying mad doesn’t protect you from further mistreatment. Good boundaries enforced with strength and love do. You can forgive and still be safe.
  
  
• You are here on this planet to work on fixing YOU, that should be your main focus. You must stop pointing fingers at others and work on growing, learning and becoming better and more loving yourself. That is your job.
  
  
• If you have issues around emotions you must stop avoiding them and learn how to process them in a healthy way. You must learn this so YOU can have a happy, rich, fulfilled life. Staying mad at others to avoid your feelings will never create happiness. Learning some improved relationship skills will also make your life better.
  
  
• Every day you have to choose if you would rather be right or happy. Your ego wants to be right, but it’s the wrong choice. Choosing happiness is the way to go.
  
  
• Forgiving does not require that the other person be punished or repent first. If you wait for that you will only be hurting yourself and your family longer.
  
  

Here are a couple of principles that will help you to forgive:

1. Remember none of us are perfect. This person did something wrong and it sounds like this was an especially painful wrong, but you aren’t perfect either. You may not have made this mistake, but you have made others. You must remember that you are both imperfect, struggling students in the classroom of life, with lots more to learn, who both deserve forgiveness. You don’t want every mistake you ever made held against you forever. In order to feel forgiven for your past wrongs, you must give others the same.
   
   
   
2. You alone are responsible for the pain you are experiencing. No situation can cause you pain without your participation in it. Your thoughts and feelings are in your control and this means no one can take away your pain or give you pain. You alone have that power. If you struggle to understand this principle, read my article about choosing to be upset. You must grasp the truth that you are in control of your thoughts and feelings. You can feel better right now if you want to. You don’t have to wait until you feel ready to forgive. You can choose to be ready now.
   
   
   
3. The other person is guilty of bad behavior, but you both have the same infinite and absolute value.You both have the same value no matter how many mistakes either of you make. This is true because life is a classroom, not a test, and our value isn't on the line. That does not mean we can sit back and stop improving though. It means our lack of knowledge and need for improvement doesn’t affect our intrinsic value. We have the same intrinsic value regardless of the amount of learning we still need to do. You want this principle to be true, because you want it to be true for you.
   
   
   
4. Forgiveness happens best when you see yourself and others accurately — as innocent, completely forgiven, struggling, scared, messed up, but perfect students in the classroom of life, with lots more to learn. Most of us think forgiving is about seeing people as guilty and then trying to pardon them for those mistakes. If you try to forgive this way it will never happen. You will still be hung up on the fact they are guilty. Forgiveness will never work when it’s a gift undeserved. Instead, let all the wrongs, pain and hurt on both sides of this be wiped clean of all selfish, fear-based, bad behavior. It is time to let go and accept divine forgiveness for both of you. Let the other person be a “work in progress” and don’t crucify yourself or them for mistakes. Accept the gift of forgiveness from a loving God, who made this a classroom where mistakes don’t count against us forever. We can all erase them all and try again.
   
   
   
5. Forgiveness is the key to happiness and it is the only way to peace, confidence and security. This is universal law. The key to forgiveness lies in one very simple choice that you must make over and over every day. What energy do you want to live in? You have two options — you can live in judgment, blame and anger energy? Or forgiveness, peace and joy energy?
   
   
   

Judgment energy means you stand in judgment of others, condemning and crucifying them for past mistakes. If you choose this mindset, you are giving power to the idea that people can be "not good enough" and should be judged harshly, which will come back on you too. You will always struggle with your own self-esteem and this energy will feel heavy, negative and unhappy.

Your other option is a forgiveness energy. Here you choose to forgive yourself and others, and completely let go of every misconceived, stupid, selfish, fear-based mistake either of you has ever made. You choose to see these mistakes for what they really are, bad behavior born of confusion, self-doubt, lack of knowledge, low self-esteem and fear. In this place, you choose to see everyone as innocent and forgiven (by God) and let them (and you) start over with a clean slate every day. If you choose this mindset, you will feel safe, loved, whole and good about yourself and this energy will be light, peaceful and happy.

The question is: How do you want to live?

You may also want to download some of the forgiveness worksheets on my website to help you change your perspective.

You can do this.

Question:

I spend way too much time on social media. Every minute of down time I have to check what’s happening on Facebook, and I’m starting to feel that it runs my life. I should just cancel my account, but I get anxious when I even think about cutting back. I know it isn’t making me happier, and it’s probably adding to depression, since everyone’s life seems more fun and more successful than mine. Should I just give it up or is there a way to be part of it without it running my life? Also how can I be on it without feeling worse about myself?

Answer:

You probably have what is now being called FOMO: the Fear Of Missing Out. A recent JWT survey said 70 percent of adults have FOMO, and it causes a serious amount of stress and anxiety. Researchers at Edinburgh University said that one out of 10 Facebook users admit the site makes them anxious (and they feel an unhealthy amount of pressure to come up with inventive status updates and stay up to date on everyone's lives). But in spite of all of this, most people refuse to cancel their accounts.

Facebook also makes many people feel depressed and inadequate. A study conducted by two German Universities found that Facebook created envy and an unhealthy level of social comparison in many users — yet we can’t stop looking at it.

Most of us started using Facebook because we wanted to stay connected with other people, but now it feels like a competition where we must constantly prove our value and define our existence. There is no doubt life would be less stressful if you canceled your social media accounts. You would get more done and spend less time comparing yourself with others, but we all get why you can’t do it. You might miss something — and the fear of loss is a powerful force.

The fear of missing out might show up in other areas of life, too. It may compel you to record every episode of your favorite show so you don’t miss it, even though your life would go on just fine if you missed it. You may buy things you don’t need if there is an amazing price for a limited time. You might even struggle with ordering in a restaurant, because you are afraid you might miss out on whatever you decide not to get. You may stay uncommitted on your weekend plans, because you want to check all the options before you commit. You might struggle with making all kinds of simple decisions because every choice means missing out on the other options.

This fear could also cause problems in your relationships. You may hesitate to marry this girl or that boy, because you might miss out on someone better who could come along later. But, if you don’t marry that person and decide to wait for a better one, you might regret that and wish you’d taken this one. (This is FOMO at work, and it can create anxiety everywhere!)

Here are a couple suggestions for easing FOMO and having a healthier mindset about social media:

1. Put choices in perspective. If you miss the finale of your favorite show, is it really going to matter in the grand scheme of your life? If you order something for dinner you don’t love, does it really matter? The degree to which you suffer over these small things is totally in your control. If you miss a party because you weren’t on Facebook to see the invitation, it is not the end of the world. Ask yourself this question often: Ten years from now how much is this thing you are missing going to matter?
   
   
   
2. Accept that you are going to miss some things — and you will be fine. Missing some things doesn't change your value or diminish your life. Whatever choice you make brings different lessons or experiences with it. Choose to see those as your perfect journey at this moment.
   
   
   
3. Trust that your choices are the right ones for you. Every time you make a decision, you are nudged by your gut in that direction. Trust that these nudges mean something. Whatever choice you feel nudged to make, will create your perfect next lesson. This helps you let go of the other options without regret.
   
   
   
4. Make a rule against comparing yourself with other people. You cannot base your self-worth on how you compare to others. There will always be someone who has more friends, has more fun, and is more clever, witty and photogenic than you are. Switch your focus online to what you can give instead. Post things that life, serve or educate others instead of just running a PR campaign about how awesome you are. Also remember, there is no person on the planet who got signed up for the same classroom journey you did. You are a one-of-a-kind soul on a totally unique journey through life, and there is no space where comparing yourself to others serves you. We all have the same value. (If you struggle with this, consider getting some help from a coach or counselor to work on your self-esteem.)
   
   
   
5. Choose gratitude for every small blessing in your life. Start a gratitude journal or take some time every day to meditate on what’s right about who you are and what you have.
   
   
   
6. Refuse to wallow in regret, it’s a waste of energy. It does you no good whatsoever to waste today regretting a past decision you cannot change. Let it go and focus on today. It is the only place you have any control.
   
   
   
7. Limit the time you spend online. Get out and do things in the real world instead. Find some interests, hobbies or projects to do. Studies have shown that people are more happy when they are busy and active and off their devices. You may want to make a rule for yourself and only check social media once or twice a day at a certain time, instead of all the time.
   
   
   
8. Remember life isn’t a contest, race or competition. The goal of life is to become the most loving, fulfilled happy contributor to society you can be. It is not about being better than anyone else. It is about learning and loving, so choose to focus on learning, growing and giving to others. You can’t experience fear when you are actively choosing love.
   
   
   
9. Remember that Facebook is not an accurate picture of real life. People only post the stuff that makes them look good. In real life everyone has struggles and problems. Facebook is mostly a PR campaign to sell an image of success and happiness. You can’t compare this highlight reel with your real life. If certain people and their posts make you feel inadequate, you can always unfollow them. That way you are still friends but don’t see everything they post.
   
   
   

I would also recommend doing some work on your self-worth so you know your infinite absolute value is the same as every other soul, no matter what you do or post online. I’ve written many articles on this you can find on my blog.


You can do this. 

Tom Bodett, author and the radio host famous for his Motel 6 commercials, said, “A person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.”

But for many these days, hope is hard to come by.

According to the World Health Organization, suicide is now the third highest cause of death globally. Suicide rates have risen over 60 percent in the last 45 years and WHO estimates that by 2020, someone will die by suicide every 20 seconds on this planet.

Right now in the U.S, there is one death by suicide every 12.3 minutes, and there are 25 attempts for every death. We also lose 22 veterans a day to suicide, and it is the second leading cause of death for young people 15-24. (In Utah we have about one suicide every 15 days).

The bottom line is a lot of people are losing hope.

Hope is a belief that something better is possible, that your life can and will improve. But some scientists say hope is more than just an emotion. It’s a state that one can choose, achieve or make happen if one knows how.

In 1991, a positive psychologist named Charles Snyder and his colleagues came up with a hope theory that says hope consists of two components: agency and pathways. What they meant was, to create hope you must have some will, determination and belief that things can get better, and you must be able to see a path or vehicle to get you there. If you have both of these, you will have real and motivation driving hope.

(Snyder and his colleagues also invented a worksheet to measure the amount of hope you have. It’s called the Trait Hope Scale and you can access it here if you’d like to try it.)

Because of Snyder’s research, we know you can create more hope in your life if you work on these two things:

1 — Choosing a different (more positive) perspective or mindset.

2 — Developing strategies and a plan to actually improve your life.

Here are some suggestions to help you change your mindset:

1. Look for other perspective options. Everything you feel and experience is filtered through your subconscious perspective. This means the way you feel could easily change, if you changed your perspective or the way you are looking at the situation. What are some other options? Start brainstorming and see if you can come up with some other (more positive) perspectives. Write down all the options you can think of. The following steps may help you come up with some.
   
   
2. Choose to see life as a classroom. Snyder and his colleagues found that people who had hope usually saw life in a learning mode, which means they saw life as a classroom where mistakes aren’t permanent and don't affect your value. This attitude encouraged people to keep trying and not give up. People without hope tended to see life as a test and believed any mistake was permanent and meant they weren’t good enough. This attitude caused more people to give up. People who saw life as a test also felt like a helpless victim of circumstance, while those who saw life as a classroom felt they had control and could change their situations. If you choose to see life as a classroom (where you cannot fail because there is no test) you will also see negative situations, challenges and trials as opportunities to grow, learn and become better. This means you will see purpose and meaning in every experience and believe these experiences are here to educate and serve you, which will change how you feel about them.
   
   
3. Understand everything changes. The nature of life is that nothing is permanent. All situations shift, change and evolve. When you experience great suffering it is easy to give up hope, but remember nothing stays the same forever. If you hang on through this rough patch, it’s highly likely better days will come.
   
   
4. Make note of and celebrate small wins and blessings. Make sure you take stock daily of everything you have to be grateful for. In the midst of every heartache there are always tender mercies. Choose to focus on those. Much of your attitude comes from your focus. Choose to focus on the wins and blessings.
   
   
5. Think about the ways things could be worse. Even find people whose situations are worse than yours or who are suffering in different ways and look for opportunities to serve them. Lose yourself service and your perspective will be more positive.
   
   
6. Surround yourself with positive, determined, optimistic people. Rub shoulders with these people daily and let them share their perspectives on life with you. Ask them how they get through the hard parts and follow their lead.
   
   
7. Spend more time outdoors. Nature has a magical way of lifting our spirits and reminding us there is beauty in the world.
   
   

Here are some suggestions for creating a plan to improve your situation:

1. Find other people who have survived your situation and interview them. Ask what they did and how they made it through. Start a list of everything they suggest.
   
   
2. Allow inspiration in and embrace spirituality in whatever form comforts you. Read inspiring books, watch inspirational movies and listen to great music. Soak up stories of survival and courage.
   
   
3. Make a plan to improve your situation. Figure out what the next step looks like and start down that path. Every week re-evaluate and assess how it’s going and if any changes are necessary. Stay committed and determined to keep going.
   
   
4. Celebrate every small win. Make sure you revel in every good thing or bit of progress. We tend to have a negativity bias, which means we focus more on what’s wrong than on what’s right. Change that. Focus on the good things and mark progress, not perfection.
   
   

The American author Barbara Kingsolver said, “The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof.”

I also recommend you join us online (wherever you are) for the World Hopecast, taking place this week (March 17-19).

We are bringing together a group of local speakers, celebrities and psychologists for a live stream audio broadcast (all about hope and inspiration) for 60 hours straight — with guest authors, activists, experts and thought leaders from around the world sharing messages of hope and positivity.

We have guests lined up who will teach you exactly how to shift your mindset, inspire you with their stories of survival and motivate you to make a bigger difference in the world.

We will be talking about suicide prevention, forgiveness, philanthropy, overcoming depression or illness, positivity and courage … and we are also going to break a Guinness World Record in the process.

If you feel beaten up, burned out or overburdened please listen to the Hopecast live at www.worldhopecast.com. 

This was first published on KSL.COM

Question:

I’ve been with my fiancé for 5 years now. In those 5 years, there has been some unfaithfulness and pain she has caused me several times. I will go for long periods of time where I can be happy and just love her but every so often that pain comes up again. Something small can remind me of the hurt she caused and I’m back to square one. I want to truly forgive her so I can be a good husband and won't constantly remind her of what she did to me. But I am still fearful she will hurt me again. Though, I do not want to be. Do you have any steps or any advice for me to get completely healed, so I can love and forgive 100 percent? Please help in any way that you can.

Answer:

If you can’t let go of the past and forgive, you cannot have a healthy relationship. Healthy, loving relationships are built on a foundation of trust, admiration for each other’s character, respect and appreciation. If you don’t have these things, you won’t be happy and the marriage won’t work.

But, I would advise you to take a minute and make sure trusting this person is a good idea first. These feelings could be your intuition telling you this person can’t be trusted. Because there was infidelity more than once, just make sure your distrust comes from irrational fear, not your intuition warning you there is a problem. I wrote an article on When your intuition says your spouse is cheating you might want to read. It explains how to tell the difference between intuition and fear. If you are sure your distrust is fear (and, therefore, your problem to overcome) follow the advice in this article.

Here are some ideas to make forgiving faster:

1. Understand you are responsible for your pain. No situation or person can cause you pain. You choose it because your thoughts and your attitude are in your control. No one can take away your pain or give you pain. You alone have that power. If you struggle to understand this principle, download the To Be or Not To Be Upset Worksheet on my website. You must understand you are in control if you haven’t let go of this issue, and it is because the fear has driven part of you that wants to hold onto it. What does holding onto anger about this give you? Answer that question to make sure ego isn’t in play and you don’t have some victim issues. You could subconsciously benefit from your victim story and you could need some help to change that.

2. Choose the perspective that life is a classroom. If this is true, life is constantly conspiring to educate you (make you stronger, wiser and more loving) and this experience is a perfect lesson in your classroom for some reason. It might be here to deepen your loving abilities or teach you how to forgive (the most important skill needed to create a good marriage). If you see your past experiences as your lessons, ones you apparently needed, you won’t take her behavior so personally. It wasn’t really about you being good not enough or you her inability to love you, it was a lesson to help you both grow and become strong enough to make a good marriage work now. At least you could choose this perspective as your story if you wanted to and you will feel more peace about it. Everything you experience is filtered through perspective, so you might as well choose a perspective that serves you, rather than a fearful one.

3. The other person is guilty of bad behavior, but you both have the same infinite and absolute value.This is true because your intrinsic value as a human being cannot change (at least that is a perspective I highly recommend). Forgiveness is easier when you see yourself and other people as innocent, struggling, scared, messed up, but still perfectly valuable students in the classroom of life with lots to learn.

This is a very different way to go about forgiveness. The old way is to see someone as guilty and condemn them for their mistakes, and then try to pardon them, because you know you should. This never really works because you are always hung up on the fact that they are guilty. Forgiveness is easier when you let go of judgment altogether and choose to see both of you as infinitely valuable students in the classroom of life, who have nothing to fear because your value isn’t in question. Every mistake is a lesson, but it doesn’t change your value. This idea may take some work to internalize but it will make forgiving much easier. Choose to remind yourself often that all people have the same value.

4. You get what you give. You must give innocence and infinite value to the other person if you want it for yourself. You can’t have it both ways. You can live in judgment of others, condemning and crucifying them for past mistakes if you want to, but if you choose this, you will always experience low self-esteem yourself too. This happens because you are choosing a judgment mindset, and giving power to the idea that people can be NOT good enough and if you choose this, it will always affect how you see yourself too.

Your other option is to forgive everyone and completely let go of every misconceived, stupid, selfish, fear-based mistake you or they make. Choose to see both as innocent and forgiven by perfect love, and let them and yourself start over with a clean slate every day. If you choose this you will feel safe, loved, whole and good about yourself. Every time you choose a judgment or mindset remember that you reap what you sow. Choose forgiveness because you want it too.

5. You create what you believe. If you choose distrust and fear your fiance doesn’t really want you, you may literally push her feelings that direction. This happens because your distrust will make you behave in a suspicious, fear based way (that isn’t loving) and this unloving, suspicious behavior will eventually make her fall out of love with you. If you choose distrust you will be the poison that kills your relationship. If you choose to trust and behave in a loving way every day, you could be the love that makes the relationship work and keeps her there. Choose trust because it creates what you want to happen.

6. Bury the past. I recommend you both write down all the past mistakes that you are still holding against each other. Then get a box and put all those mistakes inside it. Together find a spot to bury the box and bury it deep. Commit to each other to let the past go and promise to never bring up anything in that box again unless you are willing to dig up the box first. This is a great way to commit to forgiveness.

There is also a Forgiveness Formula Worksheet on my website which may also help you forgive faster. You may want to fill that out.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach, speaker and people skills expert.