Question:
I just read your article on KSL about having a victim mentality. What would you recommend to someone who has a spouse with this victim mindset? The problem is that it terrifies our young kids, and the older ones have seen the behavior so often that they are jaded against it. This probably is making things worse because it makes her believe that truly nobody cares when, in fact, they just realize that there is nothing they can say or do to make things right. My wife stonewalls any effort to communicate about this. I have suggested counseling in the past, but she refuses to acknowledge that she has a problem. How do you help someone break this cycle?
Answer:
This is tricky because it’s impossible to change or fix other individuals until they decide they are ready (and want) to change, and she really does need some professional help to change how she is feeling, seeing things and behaving.
Here are a few things you can do to get her ready and open to changing:

1. Do some family self-esteem repair. Your spouse is drowning in fear of failure that she isn’t good enough. This is why she can't handle any conversation about her faults. In her mind, if she has any faults at all then she is worthless and the pain behind that is terrible. This is why she gets defensive when you bring up her behavior. You can start fixing this by giving her lots of positive validation (pointing out everything good about her), but that alone won't be enough.
   What she needs is a fundamental shift in her core beliefs about herself and where her value comes from. In my book "Choosing Clarity," I explain how to change your core beliefs and replace them with more positive, fearless ones. Even if she won’t read it, you should, and you should start teaching the principles to your family.
   She (and most of us) believe our value as human beings is changeable and on the line. We think we can earn more value through our appearance, performance and the acceptance of others, and we can lose value if our appearance or performance is bad or others don’t approve of us. We subconsciously see life as a test where we must earn our value, which means we can also fail.
   Most of us have an almost debilitating fear of failure, which makes us desperate for validation, sympathy love and reassurance. This neediness also makes us less capable of showing up for others and meeting their needs. Can you see how this is happening with your spouse? She is so scared she isn’t good enough that she has nothing to give you or the kids. She is a bundle of neediness because she is scared.
   It would help your whole family if you worked on changing this belief. You can teach them to believe that human beings have infinite, absolute, intrinsic value that doesn’t change. Start teaching your children and your spouse that their value comes from their uniqueness, as one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable human souls, and about their nature as divine beings. Teach them that life is a classroom not a test (which means everything they experience is a lesson, not something that counts against their value). Teach them that faults, mistakes and weaknesses are part of the classroom so we can grow, but they don’t mean we have less value than anyone else. This means it’s OK to be imperfect, struggling and flawed. Teach them to see all human beings as having the same value, all the time, no matter what. If you work on changing this core belief first, your spouse will be in a better place to talk about changing her behavior (because her value won’t be attached to it).
   There are lots of free resources on my website (podcasts, articles, worksheets and a fear assessment) to help you change this belief. I hope you will take advantage of these and work on this, because it is the single most powerful, life-changing thing you could do for your family. This one belief causes most of our suffering, stress and discouragement. If you can help your wife change this belief, you will soon be able to talk about any issue without upsetting her.
   Your wife also has "fear of loss" issues, which come from a faulty belief that people and life can do her wrong and make her life less than what it should have been. This is where her victim mentality comes from. You can also teach your family to see life as wise teacher that knows what it is doing and is always bringing you experiences that serve your growth. You can teach them to trust the process of life and greet each situation with curiosity and gratitude for what it will teach them. Overcoming a fear of loss will really help with her victim mentality.
   Most couples who are struggling in their marriage think they are having communication problems, but communication skills aren’t really the problem.
   The real problem is they both have fears, which show up every time they try to talk to each other. Both of them are afraid they aren’t good enough and are afraid of loss (being taken from or unappreciated), and these fears make them defensive, selfish and needy, a state where they are incapable of love. Fear always makes you focused on what you need or aren’t getting and in this state you aren’t capable of giving any love. That is why you both feel unloved: You are both too scared and worried about your self.
   If you want better communication in your marriage, start by working on your fears of failure and loss. When you both feel safe, whole and good about yourself, you will be able to talk about anything.
   
   
   

1. Have a mutually validating conversation with her and recommend help for both of you. There are great instructions for having validating conversations (the right way) on the downloads page on my website. First, ask questions and listen to how she feels about your relationship, life and family. What problems does she see? What does she think you can do to make things better? What could you do to be a better husband? Listen, honor and validate whatever she says and asks for.
   Then say something like, “Honey, I really want us to have a great marriage and be the best parents we can be. I'm wondered if you would be open to both of us getting some life coaching or counseling so we can improve our relationship skills, learn how to have a richer marriage and be really good parents. Would you be open to doing that with me?”
   Let her know she is a wonderful person, you adore her and you are lucky to be married to her, and you always want to keep moving forward and learning new things so your life together will get better and better.
   Offer to pay for some life coaching or counseling for both of you, but be very clear this is about wanting both of you to be happier and healthier. Iit’s not about fixing her. Find a coach or counselor that will work with each of you separately on the same material at the same time. This will give each of you a safer space to work on yourself. Trust me, this works much better than going together. Your spouse needs a place to own her victim drama and work on changing herself, without you in the room. She will feel better about it if you are willing to work on you too.
   
   ​You can do this. 
   
   

Question:
I wish I understood what was wrong with me, and why I cry and get so upset when I feel mistreated or cheated by people or life. For example, if I buy something and it breaks and I try to take it back to the store, but they won't make it right. This situation could make me cry, in the store, which embarrasses my kids. I feel so mistreated it hurts, and I think I'm hoping the person will feel sorry enough for me, and they will treat me better. It's humiliating to admit this, but I often complain and cry about how hard I work and that it does no good, life always goes against me anyway. I complain about my hard lot in life way more than I should. I hate this about myself but don't know how to stop feeling this way. Can you help me?
Answer:

It sounds like you are suffering from a subconscious victim mentality. Many of us learned as children to use self-pity to get sympathy love. Psychologists tell us the ideas, beliefs or behavior patterns we learn in childhood often become the rules that dictate the way we respond as an adult, even if they are ineffective and immature. Dr. Eric Berne wrote an interesting book back in 1964 called "Games People Play." In it he describes some subconscious psychological behaviors we use to get attention, validation, love or power (getting people to do what we want them to). I wrote a whole article on this last year you might want to read.
The Sympathy Card Game is one of the most popular games people play. This happens when you constantly talk about how bad you have it, how terrible you are, or how no one loves you or cares about you to get validation, love or reassurance from other people. People play this game on social media when they post things like “worst day ever” but they don’t leave an explanation about what happened. They do this because they are subconsciously wanting people to prove they care and ask what happened. This game is a subtle (and very immature) way to get love and attention and brings with it a high cost. You may get sympathy love, but because you are acting weak, you usually lose people's respect. They may give you what you want, but they won't necessarily like you either.
It would serve us all to take a minute and ask ourselves the following questions just to make sure we aren’t subconsciously playing the victim:

• Is there ever a time you might subconsciously act like a victim to get attention or sympathy love?
• Do you use your sad story to get people to behave the way you want them to? Or to give you what you want?
• Do you use your struggles to get attention or validation?
• Do you use your story to get you out of things you don’t want to do or to absolve you of responsibility?

It would serve us all well to be more mindful and watch for this behavior. If you see a victim mentality in yourself, here are some things you can do to change it:

1. Write an accurate description (on paper) of what your mindset and behavior look like when you are playing the victim. How do you show up? How do you think others see you? What kind of energy are you putting off? How do you think your behavior comes across to other people? Write about the payoff you are trying to get. Is it so great that it’s worth the loss of respect? Get a very clear picture of what you playing the victim looks like. Is this really who you want to be?
2. Identify your favorite victim stories so you can consciously recognize them. Is yours, "No one really cares about me" or "No matter how hard I try things always go wrong" or "You should feel sorry for me and let me off the hook for anything because of how bad I have it" or "I will never get anywhere no matter how hard I work." Own your victim story and figure out what you use it for, and then you can be on the lookout for it and consciously recognize when you start down that path.
3. Figure out who you could be if you let go of the victim role. What would your mindset be, how could you respond to life if you saw yourself as strong, blessed, capable, fortunate and whole? Could you see yourself as a champion instead of a victim? This may take a while to clearly see yourself without your victim story, but you can do it. Just keep playing with this picture in your mind until you can see it. Write down the qualities and attributes you want to own. How do you want people to see you? What qualities do you want to be known for? Work on choosing to be those every day.
4. Stop blaming others or circumstances for the way you are feeling. You are responsible for how you are feeling right now. Emotions may arise from your subconscious (this you can't control), but once they arrive, you do have the power to process through them and choose your mindset and attitude. (There will be some who disagree with me on this one and believe they cannot control their emotions, but they are usually the same ones who are suffering from a victim mentality and just don’t want to feel be responsible for themselves.) The truth is you do have the power to choose your perspective. If you don’t know how to use that power, you may need a counselor or coach to help you learn how. It is a skill and can be taught.
5. Choose gratitude. In the very moment you are dwelling on what’s wrong in your life, there are many things that are right you could focus on. Your blessings always outweigh the challenges. You may need to start a gratitude journal to help you focus on the good every day.
6. Change your perspective about life and how the universe works. Most of us have a subconscious belief that the universe is a dangerous place where we can lose, get crushed, hurt, cheated and unfairly treated. We see the universe as against us, messing with us, and even trying to trip us up. With this perspective we are always a powerless victim, who is blown about by chaos and bad luck.

This is just a perspective though, it is not truth. There are other options. You could decide to see the universe as a classroom created to serve your process of growth instead. You could see life as a wise teacher, whose only motivation is to bless you and make you stronger, wiser and more loving. You could see every experience as your perfect lesson. You may want to take some time and write down all the positives that have been created or could be created because of the hard thing that happened to you.
You could believe the universe is working for you and conspiring to serve you and educate you at every turn. If you see life this way, then the fear of loss, which is behind self-pity, will disappear. If everything that happens to you, is here to bless and serve you, is it really a loss? Or is it a hidden blessing to make you stronger, wiser or more loving? I explain this perspective shift in more detail in my book "Choosing Clarity," you may want to read it if you need more help with this one.
If you will work on these six things, you can break free from the victim mentality, see your life (accurately) as a classroom and you should cry less.
If you are reading this article while in the middle of suffering through some of life's horrible challenges, please understand this is a process. It is normal to feel like a victim when you have been victimized. You just don't want to live there forever. I strongly recommend working with a professional to help you find peace and joy again.
You can do this. 

This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question:
Help! I read your article about Not Being a Drama Queen and I have a small business full of women that are driving me crazy with drama and fighting. They are constantly against each other and offending each other. I tried to talk with them but it is getting so out of control. Please help me get them back on track and focused on work. Thank you. I am one stressed-out boss.
Answer:

As the boss, you need to think about creating a more positive corporate culture at work. Corporate culture is not just for big companies by the way, it exists in every company (of every size) whether you officially have one or not. If you don’t define a corporate culture, you will inadvertently create one that is based on you and your employees’ subconscious tendencies, attitudes and reactions. It sounds like the culture you have now is a negative, critical and angry one.

I recommend that you take some time and define your core values and principles on paper. Decide what kind of positive atmosphere you want to create at work. How do you want people to be treated? How do you want conflicts handled? What kind of behavior do you expect from your employees toward each other?

I believe that if you hire people, buy from people, sell to people or serve people (or deal with any other human beings at any level at all) in your business, you need a defined corporate culture that includes policies about people and how they are to be treated, both customers and co-workers.

The way employees treat each other is an often overlooked aspect of business. Most of our policies tend to focus on the delivery of the goods and services. They are more about processes than relationships and behavior. If you will expand your policies to include attitude, communication and interaction with each other, it will create better working environment and more productivity. Studies have shown that the average employee wastes around 2.5 hours a week dealing with office drama and people problems. If you taught your people better relationships skills and made policies about the human behavior part of your company culture, you could increase productivity and make work better for everyone.

We find companies that encourage (and even provide) opportunities for personal growth and development, improving relationship skills or executive coaching, just do better on every level. They are more successful, make more money and retain employees much longer. Investing in coaching, training, seminars or workshops for your people has a huge return on investment.

In the meantime, work on defining your core values and policies around human behavior. Then, put them up where everyone will see them, talk about them often, and live them by example. You may also need to start hiring people that believe in these values and are committed to living them. Make sure following the company’s core values and codes of human behavior are part of each person’s job description and that dishonoring the core values may lead to losing their job.

Here are some questions and suggestions to get you started creating a better corporate culture in your small business:

1. What are the principles and core values that are important to you at work? Here are some ideas: do you value honesty, compassion, work ethic, personal responsibility, respect, creativity, optimism, service, integrity or tolerance? Make a list of all the core values that are important to you.

2. Take an honest inventory of your own behavior and attitudes. Are you living the core values yourself? How can you lead by example and walk the walk, not just talk the talk? Make some specific commitments to improve your own behavior.

3. How do you believe people should be treated at work? What policies could you create to encourage that kind of treatment? Many of the companies I work with use policies like the following:

• It is our corporate policy that all human beings have the same intrinsic value and hence should be treated with the same level of compassion and respect. From the CEO to the mailroom, everyone has the same infinite human worth and deserves to be valued.
• It is our policy that every human being is a student in the classroom of life. They are each learning unique lessons and battling unique challenges. Understanding this means giving each person permission to be "a work in progress," imperfect, yet still deserving of respect. We all have more to learn.
• Because everyone gets a unique classroom journey, there is no level where comparing or judging others serves us. There is a difference between gossip and validating feedback from the appropriate source. We have a policy against gossip and backbiting, while we encourage everyone to stay teachable and open to feedback.
• Each person is the sum of their unique life experiences and knowledge, therefore each will have different ideas and opinions. Each idea deserves to be heard and respected (even if it isn’t the one we decide to go with). We are a speak freely, listen and keep an open mind company. We encourage respectful, mutually validating conversations and have a company procedure for how that is to be done.
• Everyone is scared, broken and in pain at some level. Everyone battles the same two core fears on a daily basis — the fear of failure (the fear they aren’t good enough) and the fear of loss (the fear of being mistreated or taken from). These fears have created broken pieces in most people, which cause them pain. Their fears and pain make them behave badly on occasion. We understand the real reason people behave badly (fear and pain) so we can interact with them more effectively. We understand that everyone needs validation and reassurance to quiet their fears. When we give this to others they become much easier to work with. We see bad behavior accurately and understand that most attacks aren’t about you. They are about the person’s fears.
  
  

4. Define a policy about how disagreements should be handled. This should include a procedure that is taught to everyone and followed. As the leader, you must handle people problems and arguments this way every time. Your people will do what you do, not what you say. So, if you handle problems in a mature, calm, respectful way, you will teach your employees to do the same. In my book, "Choosing Clarity," I outline a step-by-step procedure for having mutually validating conversations to resolve conflict that you could use. This includes talking to people in private, asking questions and listening first, making them feel heard and understood, then asking permission to share your perspective, and learning to use the right language so you don't offend. Find a procedure that works for you and teach it to your people.

5. Do you have a policy about honoring commitments and doing what you say you’re going to do? What should this policy include so everyone is accountable for their own performance. What is your procedure for handling poor performance? Make sure you have one.

6. Do you listen to others? Will you take the time to hear their opinions and show them they are valued? Is this important to you? We think this is one of the most important things you can do as the boss. If you are willing to listen to your people they will feel valued and respected, and they will work harder.

7. Are you on time and do you respect others? Is being on time or treating people right a company value? You could institute a program where employees can submit names of other employees who are doing a great job or treating them right for a reward. Encourage good behavior by rewarding and recognizing it.

These are just a few ideas to get you started. I encourage you to start defining policies, procedures, and core values for your small company right away and start instituting them by living them yourself. If you struggle trying to figure out what your policies should be or are struggling to live them yourself, you may want to hire an executive coach or consultant to help you. You may also consider bringing in some outside people skills training for your employees, sometimes people respond better to outside expert.

Start there and let me know how it goes.

You can do this.

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and an executive coach and corporate trainer.

This article was first published on KSL.com
Question:
I am, admittedly, a drama queen. I overreact to things and am even prone to temper tantrum-like behavior. I get offended easily and am almost always mad, sad or upset about something. What is wrong with me? Can you give me any advice that would help me not feel this way? I know these upset feelings are having a negative effect on my marriage, and I really want to change.
Answer:

I’m going to give it to you straight if that’s OK. You are basically psychologically immature. You let your subconscious programing and your emotions drive. It’s not your fault though. You were probably never taught another way of being, and you have been doing the best you could with what you knew. You may have had a parent who was the same way (reactive, easily offended or emotionally defensive).

Some people were lucky enough to have psychologically mature parents who taught them how to think situations through accurately and logically, and talk about feelings in a respectful way, but I would guess you didn’t get that.

The good news is that you change and learn to handle your life with more wisdom, compassion and mindfulness, but it is going to take some work. I would also strongly suggest getting some professional help. A guide who knows how to get you there would make changing a lot easier.

Tal Ben-Shahar, an author and lecturer at Harvard University and the author of the book "Being Happy," says psychological maturity has three components.

1. The ability to step back from a situation and see it from a more “big picture” perspective, letting go of your first emotional reaction and consciously choosing a more logical response.
2. The capacity to step back and see things from another person’s point of view.
3. The ability to detach from your need to be right and become teachable and open to changing your perspective in any situation.

It takes a lot of self-control to stop your emotional reactions and evaluate a situation logically. It also takes authentic love to go further than your own perspective and put yourself in their shoes and understand how they feel. There are some worksheets on my resources page on my website, which can help you learn to do this. Also, below are some questions you can also ask yourself when you get upset, offended or bothered by something.

Go through this process before you react to anything:

1. How big a deal will this be 10 years from now? Step back from this problem and try to get a long-term perspective on it. Chances are in the long haul this isn’t that big of a deal.
2. Am I taking this more personally than I have to? Most people behave badly only because they are scared themselves.They are either afraid of being insulted or looking bad (failure) or being taken from, cheated or wronged (loss). These two fears drive most human behavior. You must always ask yourself, “What is this person scared of? If you can identify their fear you will understand — it isn’t really about you.
3. What does this other person really want and need? What is the underlying cause of their behavior? Most people behave badly because they need love, attention, reassurance or validation. Bad behavior is not a good way to request validation, but this person may not know a better way. When other people are behaving badly, choose to give them what they really need (even if they don’t deserve it). Being loving is the right answer in most situations.
4. Is my fear of failure (not being good enough) in the way? If you have low self-esteem, this makes you see insults in everything. It makes you blow problems out of proportion and get offended by things that really can’t hurt you. You may need some professional help to improve your self-esteem before your self-control will improve. It’s worth whatever it costs for the peace it will create in your home. You must also remember that nothing can diminish you. Your value is infinite and absolute. You have the same value no matter what others think. You cannot be diminished or hurt without your permission. This means you can choose to see yourself as bulletproof if you want to. You can decide to let offenses bounce off you most of the time. Even if you choose to address an offense, you must do so with the understanding that your value is unchangeable, that way it will be less emotional.
5. Do I remember I get to choose how I will experience each situation? You have the power to choose your emotions. You can choose to be hurt and offended if you want to. You can create all kinds of unnecessary drama around this offense. You can use it to cast the other person as the bad guy so you can feel superior. You could use it to play the victim and get sympathy love, but if you choose this, people will lose respect for you and you will be giving away your power. Instead remember no person and no situation can make you upset. Your thoughts about the situation create your upset feelings. You are the one responsible for those thoughts — so only you can make you upset. Take responsibility for how you choose to feel. You may need to write out all your other options (besides being upset). There are other options and they are probably more mature, wise and loving.
6. Am I seeing this person or people as the same as me? We all have a subconscious tendency to see other people as better or worse than us. This mindset creates a lot of unnecessary drama, self-pity and conflict. In reality, we are all the same. We all have the same value. We are all struggling, scared, divine, amazing human beings in process. We are all students in the classroom of life and we are all afraid we aren’t good enough. When you see people as the same as you, you will respond with more love, compassion and wisdom.
7. Does this person’s bad behavior need to be addressed? There are times it definitely does need to be discussed for the health of the relationship, but you must have this discussion in a strong, loving and validating way. You must set aside your need to be right, superior or angry. You must focus on your love for them and your desire to have a better relationship. You must listen to how they feel and what they think first and honor and respect their right to feel the way they do. You must not disagree or criticize them. After you have listened to them, you must ask permission to share your feelings. It would be wise to use more “I” statements than “you” statements and focus on their future behavior more than their past behavior (which they cannot change). Ask them if, in the future, they would be willing to behave differently. There are instructions for having mutually validating conversations on my website too.

Nathaniel Branden wrote an amazing book in 1969 called "The Psychology of Self-Esteem." In the book he says, “Only if we have a rational approach to our emotions can we be free of paralyzing self-doubt, depression and fear.” I hope these questions will give you a way to step back and process emotions rationally. Again there are many other worksheets on my website that step you through processing emotions, offenses and upsets more accurately.

The path to eliminating the inner drama queen lies in seeing situations more accurately and learning to respond with more maturity, love, wisdom, honesty and compassion. It lies in learning to communicate better with more understanding and respect for yourself and others.

Even if you have never learned to do this, it’s not too late to change.

You can do it.

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach and professional speaker on people skills.

This was first published on ksl.com

Question:

I support gay marriage but my spouse is very against it. Every time the topic comes up, which is often, we end up in an argument. At first we agreed to just never talk about it, but that is proving hard to do. We both feel strongly about our position and we get emotional and angry. We really wish we were on the same page on this. It’s driving a wedge in our marriage. I hate that he sees me as wrong and he hates that I see him as homophobic and mean. Do you have any advice on this? What do you do when you fundamentally disagree at a core level with the person you love most?

Answer:

This question may benefit all of us, because your marriage is just a microcosm of our society right now. Both sides of this issue have strong opinions and emotions are running high. Maybe it would help if we all learned how to appreciate each other, honor our differences, and respect those who disagree with us.

I believe life is a classroom (you hear me say that often) but I believe this classroom was specifically designed to teach us how to love ourselves and other people at a higher level. In order for us to stretch and learn to love at a higher level, God made us all different.

God could have made us all the same race, color, size and sexual orientation, but that would have made accepting each other way too easy. What’s the challenge in that?

Instead people come in many different sizes, shapes, colors, races and sexual orientation. I believe these differences were intentional, they are here for a reason — so we get the opportunity to learn to love those who are different, which is more difficult to do. Differences give us all kinds of challenges to overcome and grow from.

Every experience, issue, difference and disagreement is a lesson to teach you love, though. I believe this is especially true in your marriage. This unique relationship can teach you things you can’t learn anywhere else, because your spouse can push your buttons better than anyone else. Your marriage is your perfect classroom.

On top of that, sexual orientation is a tough difference to process for many people, because they just can’t get their head around it or understand it. These types of differences can also cause us to lump whole groups of people into “them” groups opposed to “us” groups and subconsciously see them as the bad guys or the wrong ones. We literally see “these people” and everyone on “their side” as the enemy at the subconscious level. They are the enemy because either they are wrong or I am. Both can’t be right.

So your question is really, "How do I genuinely love my enemies and those who strongly disagree with me and see me as wrong?"

Here are some things you can do (and we all can do) to stop the fighting and increase our compassion and tolerance for others:

1. Remember that every person on the planet has the same intrinsic worth you do and no one is better or more valuable than anyone else. Accept this idea as a universal principle of truth. We are all one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable, human souls, who are on a totally unique one-of-a-kind classroom journey. No one on the planet will ever get the same lessons you get, so you can’t judge their journey. They are here to learn different lessons than you are. You must not judge anyone, ever. Your only job is to forgive, love and work on yourself (and that is hard enough of a challenge to keep you busy.) Focus on being loving towards your spouse and seeing their value as the same as yours no matter what.
   
   
2. Understand that everyone’s views and opinions are the sum of their unique life experiences. We have all been shaped by what we’ve been exposed to. Your spouse (and the other people who disagree with your view on this) have had a different journey, so, they see the world differently than you see it. You must allow them the right to be who they are. You must honor and respect their right to see the world the way they see it. Over time and with added experiences their view may widen or shift, but until then, you must validate their (equal) worth as a person, and their right to their view. You must give them permission to be where they are right now.
   
   
3. Give kudos to others for having good intentions. Your spouse is not a bad person, who intends to harm anyone. Every person on both sides of this issue is just trying to do what they honestly feel is right. Instead of seeing a spouse or anyone who is against gay marriage as a bigot, choose to admire their desire to obey what they believe God wants. They have good intentions. On the other side, people who support gay marriage are choosing what feels fair, loving, right and kind to them. They desire to honor all men equally, and that is beautiful. Both sides have good intentions and could be admired if you chose to see it that way.
   
   
4. Focus on your spouse’s good character. Your spouse is a good person with many admirable qualities. Make sure you focus on (and comment often on) those qualities more than anything else. Tell your spouse that you love his strength to stand up for what he believes. He could admire your love, acceptance and commitment to what you believe. Admire your spouse’s intentions to stand for what they feel is right. This is an admirable virtue. Even though you don’t agree with your spouse’s politics, show them that you admire their faith or love. Those are admirable qualities.
   
   
5. Remember being nice is more important than being right (when it comes to arguments with your spouse.) You are not in a court of law arguing your case. You are in a marriage and a school (life/classroom) learning how to be loving. Remember the goal here is loving behavior, not winning an argument. Stop trying to try your case and focus on love. Your job is to work on your compassion, tolerance, love and peace every day. In the midst of an argument, if you can remember this, you can shift gears and be a giver of kindness. Allow, honor, respect, forgive and care for your spouse first and foremost. Show them that your love is bigger than any issue.
   
   
6. Learn how to have mutually validating conversations, and if you must share your opinion, ask permission first and use the right language. In my book "Choosing Clarity," I explain exactly how to have mutually validating conversations with your spouse. This involves asking questions and listening to the other person first while honoring and respecting their opinions. Then, you can ask permission to share your ideas. This shows great respect for the other person. It might sound like this, “Honey, would you be open to letting me share my reasons for seeing this the way I do? Would you be willing to respect my thoughts and opinions and just love me as I am, instead of trying to change my view?”
   
   When you get their permission, speak, but use a lot of “I” statements (I feel that … In my opinion … I have seen … I just feel …). Don’t use “you” statements because they feel like an attack. Also, make it clear that you aren’t trying to change their mind or convince them you are right, you just want to be understood. Say things like, “I understand why you might see it that way and I love you for your … good heart, character, devotion, etc.”
   
   

I hope these ideas help. Remember what Anthony Bourdain said, “I don’t have to agree with you to like you or respect you.” In your case, you can still love this person with all your heart, even though you don’t agree.

You can do this.

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach and speaker.