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Why being too nice is a problem

2/23/2015

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This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question:
I have a tendency to let people guilt me into doing things I don’t want to do. My mother for instance. I can’t say no to her or maybe the problem is she won’t accept no. She always comes up with logic to counter everything I say. In the end, I always give in and do what she wants. I am just too nice? Do you have any advice for me?
Answer:

Your problem is not that you are too nice. Your problem is that you are weak and afraid of what others think of you. This isn’t a “nice” problem, it's a fear problem. You are so afraid of looking bad, mean or selfish that you put other people’s wants and needs ahead of yours. You are overly selfless, and yes that’s a big problem.

When you consistently sacrifice yourself for others, everyone ends up happy and liking you, except yourself.

The problem is that most of you think you only have two choices when someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do. Option one is to say NO and hurt or disappoint the other person, who then might think less of you (or think you are selfish) which is really terrifying to those of you who already fear you aren’t good enough. This option also feels like you are valuing yourself over the other person, which feels wrong.

Option two is to betray yourself (and value the other person more than yourself) and give the other person what they want. This option feels safer because even though you aren’t happy, you are at least assured the other person likes and approves of you. This option feels more righteous and loving, but at the same time it leaves you feeling taken from.

The good news is there is a third option (one that many people don’t know exists). Instead of being strong and selfish, or loving and weak, you can learn to be strong and loving at the same time. In this place you accurately value yourself and the other person the same amount. You can clearly see everyone's needs as worthy of being honored, yours and theirs. In this place you strike a healthy balance between standing up for yourself and honoring your needs, and sacrificing to serve, love or give to others. If you want to be emotionally happy and healthy you must have this balance.

If you don’t have a healthy balance between giving and receiving there will be problems in your relationships. You may start to resent the people you constantly sacrifice for and they will stop appreciating your sacrifices, because they will take them for granted. You will also have low self-esteem (if you are overly selfless) because you are constantly giving power to the idea that other people are more important than you.

In order to fix this tendency to betray yourself, you must embrace some new principles of truth around your value and life. Read the following often:

Principle 1: What other people think of me is irrelevant. I am the same me no matter what they think. Their opinion doesn't affect or change my value. I have the same infinite, absolute value whether they like me and my decisions or not. I do not need their approval. I just love them and myself where we are.

Principle 2: I teach people how to treat me by how I treat myself. I honor my own needs because I want other people to honor them. If I always put others' needs first, I am literally teaching them that my needs are not important. I believe all human beings have the same value and we are all equally important.

Principle 3: If I disrespect myself and allow people to push me around, they won’t respect me. Weakness is never respected. I may think my sacrifice and love will win their approval, but do I really want approval at the cost of respect? In the end, I will create what I feared. Even though I give them their way, they will think less of me anyway. If I make sure my own needs are met, people will respect me for it.

Principle 4: It is not selfish to take care of my own needs. The Bible says to love your neighbor “as” yourself, not “instead” of yourself. This means I am just as valuable and important as everyone else. When I honor my own needs I demonstrate to the world that all people deserve to be honored and respected. No one is more important than anyone else. My needs and wants should take precedence over others about half the time. This is not selfish, it’s healthy.

Principle 5: If I don’t love myself first, I am not really capable of giving love to others. If I don't value myself, I basically have an empty bucket, which makes me needy all the time. From this place I really have nothing to give others. When I give to others from this place, my gifts have strings attached because I need something (approval) back. From this place all my loving behavior is driven by my need to get validation. That is not love. Real love can only happen when I experience the same amount of love for myself as I feel toward the other person. When I love myself I can give from a full bucket and people will feel this and appreciate my gifts much more.

Using these principles of truth to guide you, I recommend that you redefine your boundaries and write some rules for yourself about when you are going to say YES and when you are going to say NO. Here is an example:

I give to others often, I also say NO to other people’s requests if doing what they want would:

— Make me resent them for asking
— Make me feel taken from
— Force me to miss something that’s important to me
— Push me over the edge of sanity.

This is the loving thing for all concerned. I do not need to hold fear around how others will feel when I say no. I know it is the right thing for me, and that is enough. I will tell them with love that I can’t do it (without having to explain why). In the end, they will respect me for my strength and love.

Taking the time to write on paper exactly how you are going to feel and behave the next time your mother tries to guilt you into giving in will really help. If she won't take your loving no for an answer, say, “Mom, is there anything else I could do to show you I love and respect you, if I can’t do this?” See if there is another way to show her you love her — something that works for you.

It is really hard when you have someone in your life who is overly selfish and doesn’t honor your needs, and there may be times you have to let her be mad at you and process her frustration. She is the one choosing to be bothered, and that isn't any of your business. Let her be mad without letting it affect your self-esteem. Remember that just because she is choosing to feel upset, doesn’t mean you were wrong to say NO. Her opinion and feelings don’t affect your value.

If you really struggle with this problem, I would highly recommend seeking out some professional help with fear and rebuilding self-esteem. It would make a big difference.

You can do this. 


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Is your heart emotionally healthy?

2/9/2015

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This article was first published on KSL.com
Question:
I have trouble with my emotions getting out of control. I can get angry and blow up at people. I also get offended sometimes and hold onto it for weeks. I am a good person, and I care deeply about my family and friends, but I admit that sometimes I don’t really care about other people. I’ve been told I have a hard heart, and it hurts to hear that because I don’t mean to. I think I inherited these tendencies from my dad and they are deeply ingrained. Is there a way to change them?
Answer:

Yes, you can change your inherited programming, but it will take some time and work. You may even want some professional help with it. It would make the process faster, but you can learn to use conscious choice to soften your heart and get it more emotionally healthy.

Since it is Heart Health Month (February) I’d like to give you some advice on developing a more emotionally healthy heart.

We read a great deal about how emotions can affect our health, but did you know that people who are emotionally heart healthy (compassionate, calm and balanced) have better relationships, more success and generally live longer? They do.

Here are six steps to improve your emotional heart health:
  1. Learn mindfulness (the ability to experience emotions objectively). It is important to deal with emotions instead of stuffing or denying them, but most people think they only have two options. They either let the emotions run wild, which means blowing up or falling apart or they stuff them and try to pretend they aren't there. There is a third option, a way to process emotions without letting them affect you in a negative way. It is called mindfulness. Mindfulness is about learning to be both the observer and the observed. It is about learning to step back and experience what you are feeling and watch how your feelings are affecting your body without reacting. In this place, you can see that being upset is one option, but it is never your only option. Being upset is a choice. You can access two great articles about mindfulness when upset by clicking here. I also recommend learning to meditate. It is a powerful way to increase your mindfulness, wisdom and peace. It is good for your heart, your stress level and your emotions on every level.

  2. Choose gratitude. In every moment of your life, you can focus on what’s wrong, what you don’t have and what you wish you didn’t have. You can complain and be disappointed and generally miserable because of these factors. Or, you can focus on what’s right in your life, what you do have and what you are grateful you don’t have. In every single moment of your life you could be grateful and happy, or you could be disappointed and angry. Both states are possible all the time. People who have emotionally healthy hearts know that it makes no sense to create unnecessary suffering by focusing on the negative. Choosing gratitude is the fastest way to self-generate positive energy, and you have the power to choose it, in any moment. An emotionally healthy heart always focuses on blessings.

  3. Be flexible. When I talk about being flexible most people think about yoga or stretching. These are important to your physical health because flexible muscles mean less pain and more strength. But emotional flexibility may be even more important. Being emotionally or mentally flexible means you can flow with whatever happens. If situations or events disappoint you, you don’t get bent out of shape. Instead you bend your expectations and flow around the obstacle. When you are attached to an expectation, you are setting yourself up for unnecessary suffering. You can practice being emotionally flexible every day. The next time you are stuck in traffic and late for an appointment ask yourself “How attached am I to my expectation of being there on time?" If you can’t bend that expectation you will create misery. Your other option is to say, “This is out of my control. I might as well roll with it, relax into being late and not suffer over it.” You will still do what you can to be on time, but you will decide not to suffer over things you can’t control. Buddha said every time you get offended you get to decide if the offense is a cut through water which heals instantly, a cut through sand that will be gone by tomorrow, or cut through stone which will be there for decades. Choose water and you will live much longer and happier. An emotionally healthy heart is flexible like water and flows with life.

  1. Choose tolerance. Bigotry is defined as an obstinate belief in the superiority of one’s own options or way of being over another’s. Tolerance is the willingness to honor and respect those who are different, even if you don’t agree with their way of being. A tolerant heart comes from choosing to see all people as having the same intrinsic value. It is about a fundamental belief that no person has more intrinsic worth than another. Choosing this basic philosophy around people means you never see yourself as better (or worse) than anyone else. This will change the way you interact with every person in your life. It will help you to treat others with respect and kindness, the same way you wish to be treated. Lloyd Shearer, who wrote "Walter Scott’s Personality Parade," said “Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the wrong. Sometime in life you will have been all of these.” Choose to see all people as the same as you. People with tolerant hearts are happier and have better self-esteem, because in honoring the value of all beings, they affirm their own worth too.

  2. Be compassionate. The Dalai Lama once said, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy… practice compassion.” It is just a fact that caring for others makes us feel better. Clinical psychologist Lisa Firestone, Ph.D., says. "We all think we want to be loved, but what actually feels good to us is feeling loving -- and part of what makes us feel more love for other people is doing kind, compassionate things for them." People with an emotionally healthy heart understand that kindness creates joy for them, so they look for opportunities to give everywhere they go.

  3. Take care of yourself. Take time to refresh, renew yourself and play, or you won’t be able to give gifts of love without strings attached. You will be giving them from an empty bucket and in that there is inherent neediness. You can’t love authentically until you have filled your bucket, and you must do this yourself. You cannot expect others to do this for you. You must make sure your needs own needs are met. If you don’t do this, you will subconsciously resent the people in your life for not doing it, even though it's your job. It may feel selfish to leave your family and go to a meditation retreat, for example, but in the end, you are doing it for them because they will benefit from your new found ability to give love. Self-care leads to a healthy heart.

Anthony J. D’Angelo says, “Have a strong mind, and a soft heart.” Have a mind capable of observing and accurately understanding situations and controlling your responses, but have a tender heart full of wisdom and compassion toward all beings.

You can literally practice being mindful, grateful, flexible, tolerate and compassionate. Just set an intention to work on one each day. You will be amazed at the happiness they create.

You can do this. 


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5 secrets to forgive yourself

2/2/2015

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This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question:
I have made so many mistakes and I can’t repair the damage of my bad choices. My self-esteem is awful because I can’t forgive myself. How can I let these mistakes go when the reality of what I did is so bad? The fact is my value (especially in the eyes of other people) is forever affected by my choices. I know you say that my divine value is infinite, but what good is that if everyone sees me as a bad person?
Answer:

It will only make a difference if you believe it does.

I believe you are not the sum of your past decisions and your value isn't affected by your mistakes. But these ideas have no power unless you decide they are truth for you. Trust me. You can see yourself and your life in a new way that will lessen the pain you are experiencing, and your changing your mindset may affect the way others see you.

Self-forgiveness is extremely important because it impacts the amount of love you have to give to others now. Here are my five secrets to forgiving your past mistakes:

  1. Change how you see life

    Most of us were subconsciously taught as children that this world is a bunch of massive chaos caused by free agency and lots of bad things happen here, so we should be afraid of life all the time.

    You have the power to choose a different mindset though, one that would cause less suffering and create more love and motivation.

    You could choose to see the universe as a safe place and a wise teacher, which only brings experiences that will make you wiser, stronger and more compassionate. You could choose to believe there are no accidents and the universe is conspiring with your free agency to serve and educate you, always providing your perfect classroom and teaching you the lessons you need.

    We honestly can’t prove either theory is truth, so you get to choose which mindset would serve you more and make you a better, more loving person. I recommend trusting the universe and seeing life as a classroom and a safe place.

  2. Change how you determine your value

    As a child you were taught that life is a test and your value is on the line and in question. You were taught that your value is determined by your appearance, your performance, and what other people think of you. These three factors have, therefore, become way too important. Your self-worth is now wrapped up in them.

    Again, this is just a perspective. You could choose to see life as a classroom, not a test. In a classroom, your mistakes don’t affect your value, because they are just lessons. You signed up for these lessons (by making those mistakes) because they were the exact lesson you needed.

    This means your specific mistakes, for some crazy reason, are serving you and everyone else affected by them. It may look like they only hurt the people around you, but at some level they are providing the perfect lesson that person needs. This doesn’t mean you should keep hurting them. You should learn the lesson, make amends where you can, and then move on, and in time they will have to do the same. You must trust the universe it knows what it's doing.

    You have the power to see your value as based on your uniqueness as an irreplaceable, one-of-a-kind, divine soul, who is here in school but whose value is not tied to the lessons. You could see your appearance, performance and what others think as interesting classes that don’t affect your value.

    This isn't about some cosmic divine value either. I am talking about how you feel about yourself every day. You can decide your value is safe and in doing so you will feel better. But it is up to you to decide. No one else can determine your value to you. You choose it.

  3. See experiences as locations on the journey

    If we went on a road trip across the country, we might have to drive through Texas. Texas is a big state, and it takes a long time to drive through. We might even have car trouble and get stuck there for a few days.

    This is my question, during this time, are we Texans?

    Of course not. Texas is just a location you are passing through, being there doesn’t change who you are.

    Life works the same way. The mistake experiences you have been through do not determine who you are. They don't change you. They are locations along your journey (classes you got signed up for) and even if you get stuck there awhile, you are still the same one-of-kind, amazing soul you always were and will always be. At least you can see it this way if you want to.

  4. Choose a criticism or a compassion mindset

    You get to choose a mindset towards people in this life, and there are only two options. If you choose a criticism mindset, you are going to be a critic and judge yourself and other people all the time. In this place you will be giving power to the idea that life is a test and we can fail it.

    Or you can decide to see life as a classroom and let everyone (including yourself) be a struggling, scared, amazing, divine, infinitely valuable being who is doing the best they can with what they know. A compassion mindset includes seeing life as a classroom and letting all of us be innocent learners. This mindset will make you feel good about yourself and you will also treat others with compassion and understanding. How do you want to live?

  5. What other people think doesn’t matter; what you think does, and it will influence what others think

    You are giving the opinions of other people too much power. Their thoughts are just ideas in their heads that can’t hurt you, diminish you or change you in any way. (They could influence the opportunities you have, but if you trust the universe is a wise teacher, you don’t really worry about that, because you will only get your perfect lessons.) This means what other people think of you is irrelevant, but what you think matters a lot.

    If you know life is a classroom and your value is safe, you will show up with confidence and love that other people will feel. When they feel this fearlessness inside you, they will feel your strength and they will gain subconscious respect for you. Even if you have made big mistakes in the past, if other people can feel that you have learned the lessons, moved on, and know your value now, they will tend to follow suit and let your past go.

    If you cannot do this and continue to beat yourself up, they will sense this too, lose respect for you, and hold onto your mistakes. You can influence what they think. (Though what they think doesn't matter.)

Are you seeing how much power you have? You get to choose how you are going to see and feel about yourself and your life, but if you don’t grasp this power and consciously choose your mindset, your subconscious mind is going to choose for you and it will probably chose fear and misery.

I know it may see difficult right now to take control and change your mindset around your past — but you can do it with work and practice. (If it seems too hard you may want to seek some professional help.)

Gary Zukav, who wrote "Seat of the Soul," said, “By choosing your thoughts and by selecting which emotional currents you will release and which you will reinforce, you determine the quality of your light. You determine the effects that you will have upon others and the nature of the experiences of your life.”

You can do this. 


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    Kimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC.  She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio.

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