This was first published on KSL.COM

Question:

I am driving myself crazy with insecurity and negative thoughts about my appearance. I hate my round face and always feel like the biggest person in the room. My daughter is learning this fear from me and I can see her insecurities are taking a toll. She is not even a teenager yet and I am afraid this may even get worse. I have complained too much about my body shape, so I’ve probably taught her this. Is there anyway to fix what I’ve broken and help her and me to love ourselves as we are?

Answer:

We all need to stop attaching our self-worth to our physical appearance. We literally think “who we are” is what we look like, but this is not truth. It's just an idea we were taught.

You are much more than your appearance. You are your values, your humor, your compassion, your talents, your determination and your other virtues. You are your heart and your love for God, yourself and other people. This is the core of your real identity … but the world tells you a different story. The world tells you that your appearance, weight, stature and beauty literally determine your worth.

You must consciously and consistently reject the world's ideas about the worth of a soul and choose a more healthy identity and you must learn to do this first, because you can’t give your child something you don’t have. If you accept a different truth about your value and talk about it often, your children will learn to see themselves the same way.

I have used the following parable to help me have a different attitude around my appearance and to help me see life as a classroom, which had been divinely designed to help me learn to love myself and other people.

There once was a wise king who loved all people deeply and was truly happy, good and kind. He wanted the people in his kingdom to learn what he knew and live with more peace. So he developed a lesson to help them. Throughout the kingdom he created many different kinds of houses. Some were grand, large and beautiful. Some were small and humble, and some were in between. Some houses were in disrepair and others were greatly adorned. Some were castles and others were shacks. There were no two alike, every home was unique.

The king then randomly assigned every person in the kingdom to a house. The people did not get to choose their houses. The houses were not assigned based on income or performance. The houses were assigned based on which experience the king felt would serve each person to best learn about love.

Then the king told the people what he expected them to do with these houses. He wanted them to care for the house they received, fix it up and make the best of their situation. He also wanted them to learn to love themselves and other people for "who they were on the inside" and never judge each other based on the houses they lived in.

The houses were simply a lesson. The people in the town understood that living in a beautiful house didn’t mean anything about their real value. Living in a less than perfect house didn’t reflect on their worth at all. The issue in question was “what were they learning and becoming from their experience of living in the house they received?”

If they lived in a beautiful house, were they learning to be humble about their blessings? Did they remember their real worth came from their character and their intrinsic worth (which was the same as everyone else’s)?

If they lived in a flawed house did they let that affect their value or make them feel inferior? Did they love themselves in spite of their home? Would they take care of the house they were assigned? Would they fix it up and care for it, even though it wasn’t the one they wished they had? Could they be happy for others instead of jealous? Could they understand that a house doesn’t affect the value of a person?

The king explained to his people that their value came from their character, their heart and their love. He asked them to focus on loving themselves and others and basically ignore the size and shape of their houses. The king told his people that happiness doesn’t come from getting what you want on the outside, it comes from the love you have for yourself, others, God and life on the inside.

Because the king clearly explained the goal and the reason for being assigned a house (to help you to learn to love yourself and others) the people found they could do it. They understood truth and didn’t waste time judging each other for the size and shape of their houses.

After you read this story, read it again but replace the word "house" with "body."

Talk to your daughter about how these bodies have been randomly assigned to us. You did not earn yours and you did not get to choose it. Some of us got thin bodies, others more round ones. Some of us are tall and others short. Some are dark and some are light-colored, but these different bodies we are living in have nothing to do with our value. They are simply where our soul is currently living. Your body was assigned to you as part of your classroom journey to help you learn to love yourself and other people.

Your job is to accept this body with gratitude and wisdom and take care of it, stay healthy, fix it up the best you can, but understand that it doesn’t have anything to do with your value. You body really isn't "who you are."

Your specific body is just a classroom experience. It may be teaching you humility, kindness and compassion. It may be teaching you to stop judging books by the cover. I can’t say which lesson your body is meant to teach you, because that is only for you to find out. It’s your lesson. But I encourage you to answer this question on paper and write down as many answers as you can.

What lessons could my specific body be teaching me?

The story and the exercise will help you to understand that all people have the same value (as I mentioned in my last article). We are all unique, irreplaceable, divine spirits with the exact same infinite value as everyone else. You can help your daughter to see the absolute and equal value in every person around her by talking about this often. This is the first step to giving your child a healthy self-esteem, because when you accurately see the infinite value in others, you will also accept it for yourself.

You should also refrain from judging or criticizing others and teach your children compassion and accuracy toward all men, no matter their appearance or performance. If you do this, they will also see themselves as good enough and have compassion for their own mistakes, faults and flaws.

Then make sure you praise your child for her character, good works, love and kindness instead of always focusing on performance and appearance. Also teach her to eat healthy and take care of her body, but stress that this isn’t about appearance, it’s about good health.

You and your daughter get dressed every day, try to fix your hair the best you can, then look at yourself in the mirror and say, "This isn’t really who I am — my love is who I am — I will go get them with my love!”

Focus on your character and your kindness. That is what wins true friends.

You can do this.

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach and speaker.

This was first published on KSL.COM
Question:

My child did not have a good year last year in school and was so relieved when summer came. Now she is getting very anxious, even sick, about going back. She worries about handling the homework and about problems with friends. Is there anything I can do to help her start the year off right with less fear and anxiety?

Answer:

Here are some things you can do to lessen her anxiety:

1. Let her know that it’s OK to be a little scared. Almost everyone feels some fear when starting something new. Avoid making her feel something is wrong with her for being scared. Say things like “I totally understand why you feel this way, and it’s perfectly normal." Then have lots of conversations about why she is nervous and do more listening than talking.
2. Talk about how she could handle situations if they come up. Run through scenarios and help her think of options in response. If ‘that’ happens, what can she do? Usually, we are afraid of "what ifs" and they always seem scarier in our minds than they are in real life. Preparing a response in advance will help her feel less scared.
3. Help her to understand the nature of fear. In a recent article, I explained how you can use Pixar’s new movie "Inside Out" to help children understand their emotions. Have your child imagine a little guy named Fear in her head, who is the one freaking out about school. Fear is just trying to protect her from perceived danger, but he often perceives danger when it isn’t really there. Help her to understand that most situations turn out better and easier than Fear thinks they will. Fear also likes to play “what if” games and imagine scary things that aren’t real. Help her recognize when a worry is an imagined one that Fear created, and when she is afraid of something real. Seeing worries as imagined will discredit them fast. Also, tell her she has the power to tell Fear to sit down and shut up. She doesn't have to let him drive. She has the power to put Joy in charge and focus on today.
4. Come up with a good routine for the school year. Make a plan for handling school before it starts. Get a calendar so you can keep track of everyone’s schedules. Set aside a time and place for homework. Let her know you will be there to help every step of the way. These routines make children feel more secure and let them know what to expect.
5. Help your child decide who she wants to be and what kind of year she wants to have ahead of time. Your child will spend a lot of time this year trying to figure out who she is and how she fits in. You can make this easier by helping her create a sense of identity ahead of time, and this exercise would be good for you to do, too.

Get out a piece of paper and have her write down the different roles she plays in her life. She is a daughter, sister, friend and student. If you do this with her, add spouse, parent, or an employee role to yours. You may also want to write about your physical, spiritual and intellectual life and how you want to show up in each of these areas.

Then, brainstorm on paper how she, and you, wants to show up in each of those roles. What kind of a sister does she want to be this year? What kind of a friend does she want to be? What kind of a student would she like to be? Have her write down specific details about how she would like to show up in each role.

Also, have her write down some rules or policies that she wants to hold as truths this year. These could be commitments to a healthy way of thinking. Is she going to let the opinions of others crush her this year? Is she going to be in charge of her self-worth?

Once she has a clear picture of who she wants to be, get a fresh piece of paper and have her write each statement in present tense, as if she already is them. For example:

• I am a good student who gets good grades and turns in all homework on time.
• I keep track of assignments in my planner and check it multiple times a day.
• I don't worry about mistakes, they are just lessons and don't change my value as a person. (For younger kids it might say: It's OK to make mistakes. That's just part of the learning new things.)
• I am a good friend who is loyal and kind. I never gossip about others and walk away if my friends start doing this.
• I am a good sister who looks out for my younger siblings. I share with them and treat them as I want to be treated.
• I am happy with my life and what I have. I know that I have the same value as everyone else. No one is better than anyone else. Clothes don’t determine my worth. Kindness is what matters.
• I know who I am and don’t let the opinions of others tear me down. What other people think doesn’t change me at all. I am the same me no matter what they think.
• I understand life is a classroom and hard things happen to help me become stronger and better. Life only gives me what I can handle. I know God will help me through every challenge.

You get the idea? The wording should fit their comprehension level.

This detailed description of the person she (or you) wants to be this year will become the measuring stick for making decisions and responding to situations. Deciding who want to be and how you want to act ahead of time will create self-worth and empower you to be your best.

Encourage your daughter to keep this paper handy and read it daily. She may want to read it every morning to start the day off right. My adult clients read theirs 2 or 3 times a day, especially at first.

I wrote another article a while back called Giving Kids Amazing Self Confidence. I also recommend you read it. If you would work on those 10 things, especially teaching the principles of truth about life being a classroom and her value being unchangeable, it would give your child a strong foundation to handle whatever happens.

If your child suffers from more serious anxiety, I recommend this article by psychologist Karen Young. You may also want to find a local professional to work with her.

Also, remember these challenges must be her perfect journey, and she is probably gaining strength and wisdom from them that will help her survive in life. You can't and aren't meant to save her from learning to process fear. Just keep teaching principles of truth, about life and her value, and she will be OK.

You can do this.

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach and speaker.

This was first published on KSL.COM

Question:

How can I teach my children to be kind? I have noticed a tendency to put down, gossip about, or find fault in others. I also have family members who love to judge others and do a lot of joking at others' expense. It's very upsetting to me. What can I do to encourage my family to be kinder?

Answer:

First, I want you to understand that we all have a subconscious tendency to see people in a negative light, which is at the heart of our unkindness (and our low self-esteem). We do it to ourselves and others.

Without consciously realizing it, you automatically look for differences in everyone, and we are constantly trying to figure out where we fit and how we compare to others. This creates a subconscious tendency to focus on the bad in other people, because if you can find a reason to see them as worse than you, it makes you feel like the good guy, or better and safer (and you have less fear of failure). It doesn’t even matter what the criteria of comparison or division is; we latch onto anything that sets us apart. We look for any difference that makes us feel better, kinder, taller, richer, or more anything than the other people around us. We will even divide ourselves based on our preferences seeing Coke people as better than the Pepsi people, Mac people as smarter than PC people, or mayo people as better than Miracle Whip people. Then, we see these others, whether they cheer for the other college team or look different or act different from us, as the enemy. We also look for others, who are on our side, who validate our worth in their mutual hate for the enemy. Remember, we do this because if we can cast another group as the bad guys that makes us feel like the good guys. This fear-based tendency is the cause of most of the problems on the planet. Most of our wars, racism, prejudice, backbiting and bullying all come from our ego’s need to feel better than other people. This behavior is driven by a deep subconscious core fear of not being good enough that we all have to some degree. We create these divisions to give us a sense of self-worth and make us feel special. The problem is that though this behavior may make you feel better about yourself for a moment, it doesn't last. It doesn't produce real self-worth, and it is literally giving power to the idea that some people are better than others and you must prove your worth, which will create a lifetime of low self-esteem.

If you watch human nature enough you will see low-self esteem and judging and criticizing others always go hand in hand. They create each other, and the more you do one, the more you get the other.

The most important thing you must teach your children is that all human beings have the same intrinsic worth no matter what. We are all unique, divine, irreplaceable, infinitely valuable souls, fighting our way through the classroom of life, scared and struggling most of the time, doing the best we can with what we know. Because life is a classroom, not a test, our value isn't in question though. It is not on the line at all. Our value is infinite and absolute and does not change ever. You must teach your children to see every person on the planet as having the same intrinsic value they do. These people may be in very different classes and in a different place in their unique journey, but their value is the same. Teach your children (and adopt for yourself) this idea as a core belief and it will make your entire life better. You will have more compassion for others and better self-esteem. If you will work on establishing this idea as a core belief in your family and talk about it daily with your children, it will make a profound difference on their kindness. Also, watch for the tendency to compare and divide and use teaching moments to talk about truth and bring compassion to the situation. Here are a few other suggestions for teaching your children to see other people as the same as them:

1. You must model compassionate behavior yourself. Kindness is taught by example. Your children must hear you being tolerant, kind and patient with people who are different from you.
2. Never gossip about or put down other people. This sends the message it’s OK to criticize others and see them as less than you.
3. Discourage teasing in your family. Teasing is often hostility and judgment in disguise. If you think it’s funny to put others down as a joke, you give your children license to do the same. Help children see other people accurately by understanding why they behave the way they do.
4. Praise the good in other people. Validate, honor and respect their right to their opinions.
5. Help children see the beauty in uniqueness and variety. A world full of different colors, talents and opinions is a beautiful thing. Celebrate the beauty of other cultures, ideas and opinions in your home. Encourage children to think for themselves and form their opinions while respecting others' right to do the same.
6. Talk about truth often. When you see others making bad choices, explain that everyone is doing the best they can with what they know. They just don’t always know enough yet. Never refer to other people as stupid. Show your children an example of compassion for people who are struggling.
7. Apologize when you are wrong. This shows children there is no shame in being wrong. It’s OK to admit when you make bad choices and it doesn’t make you a bad person. We are all a work in progress.
8. Encourage children to celebrate other people’s wins. Their good fortune doesn’t take anything away from you. It doesn’t diminish you in any way. Help your children find joy in cheering for other people — especially each other.
9. Don’t criticize rich people or poor people. Help your children understand that we have the same value. We just have different strengths and we are on a different journey and learning different lessons. Watch for all divisions and make sure they know divisions don't affect value.
10. Praise children for being kind. Help them understand that their appearance, property and performance don’t determine their value — their character does. Praise them more for being a good person than you do for their successes and wins.

If you have adults or grown children in your family who are being unkind, set a good example and make sure you never start gossip-based conversations. You can also change the topic, if they go down that road, by asking a question about something else. You can steer any conversation in a more positive direction. You may also want to try what I call the "Encouragement Technique." You can't really change other people, but if you handle this right, you can encourage them to want to change themselves, and then everyone wins. Here is how it works: Look for an opportunity, when it seems natural, to thank this person for being such a kind and compassionate person. Tell them how much you appreciate their kindness toward others and how you never hear them say an unkind word about anyone and how much you admire that.

You will do this even if it's not true. This is not lying, it is seeing the highest best in them before they are even demonstrating it. They have this goodness in their somewhere. This is about seeing the wonderful loving person they have a capacity to be and helping them to see it.

You should only have to say this once or twice and this person will not gossip or be unkind to others in your presence again. They may stop gossiping completely. This will work because people want to live up to our highest opinion of them. If you see them as a kind person, they will want to be that.

People are also more motivated to change themselves when you see good in them than they are when you point out their flaws or mistakes. This technique works with any kind of human behavior you want to change. Just sincerely compliment them in that area often, and you will project them with positivity in that direction.

You can do this!

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach and speaker.

This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question:

My biggest complaint about my family and my job is a lack of appreciation. My spouse and children completely take for granted everything I do for them. They just assume I will always do everything for them, and my needs don’t seem to matter. I feel the same way at work too. I do more than anyone else, yet people act like I’m not important. Is it me? What can I do to feel more appreciated for all I do and give? All I want is my sacrifices to be noticed and appreciated.

Answer:

The real question here is "Do they really not appreciate you, or do you just not feel appreciated?"

If you have insecurities and low self-esteem, no matter what they do or say, it won’t be enough to fill your empty bucket. You will never feel appreciated. The truth is, other people cannot convince you that you have value. When I hear you say “All I want is my sacrifices to be noticed and appreciated,” I think what you are really saying is that you need your value validated. You need someone to fill your bucket, and that means it is probably empty. This tells me you are coming from a place of low self-esteem.

The problem is, the only person who can fill your bucket and keep it full is you. If you continue to make other people responsible for your self-esteem and filling your bucket, which basically has a hole in it because of your negative beliefs about yourself, they will resent it and this will feel a lot like un-appreciation.

If I am wrong and you already have good self-esteem and the people in your life still don’t appreciate you, then one of two things is happening. Either you are surrounded (on all sides) by people who are selfish and focused their needs, which is highly unlikely. Or you are still giving and serving with a (possibly subconscious) sense of neediness, entitlement or obligation behind it, and this is making people ungrateful.

For example, if you feel entitled to gratitude and expect something back from your gifts, this makes your gifts about getting what you need, not giving to them and no one appreciates these kinds of gifts.

Since I’m not sure what is happening in your situation, I’m going to tell you how to solve all these problems. If you will work on these six things, I promise the people in your life will respond with more gratitude.

1. Work on your self-esteem by redefining what gives you — and all human beings — value. You must decide where your value as a human being comes from. Is it based in your appearance, performance and what others think of you? Or is it based in your nature as a child of God and your uniqueness as a one-of-a-kind divine soul? I encourage you to stop trying to earn your value through your appearance, performance and the approval of others. Instead, see your value as infinite and absolute, unchangeable, and not in question at all, because life is a classroom, where you are here to learn, it is not a test to determine your value. If you choose to see life as a classroom not a test, this mindset shift will take most of the pressure off. The more you accept your value as infinite and stay the same no matter what you do, the less validation you will need from other people. You will feel a peaceful sense of true value all the time and your bucket will stay full. This will make you less needy and more attractive to others.
2. Take better care of yourself. Make sure you have a healthy balance between giving to others and taking care of yourself. Remember, you are in charge of making sure your needs are met. If you give too much and never take care of yourself, your family and co-workers will begin to take that for granted. They will expect that behavior and it will be your fault. You will have taught them that your needs aren’t important. If you are asking for what you want and need, and taking care of you, you won't feel overburdened or taken for granted, and you will be teaching them to honor your needs. You will also have a full bucket and more to give.
3. Give to others from a place of love. There are two emotions you can give from: love or fear. Giving from fear means you have low self-esteem and are afraid you aren’t good enough, and that means you are in desperate need of validation and appreciation from others. When you give gifts from this needy place, your gifts have strings attached. You need something back (in the form of validation) from the person you are serving. When you give from this place, it doesn’t feel like a gift. It feels like an obligation and people don't appreciate that. When you give gifts from love, needing nothing in return, it feels like a real gift and people tend to appreciate those. If you are doing steps 1 and 2, you should have a full bucket, and you should be able to give gifts from love. When people feel real love behind your actions, they will appreciate you.
4. Make sure you are giving because you want to not from a sense of obligation. If you give or serve because you are supposed to, need to, have to or should, the truth is, you don’t really want to. That again, is not much of a gift. It is a forced gift and no one really appreciates a gift you didn’t want to give in the first place. In your mind, they should really appreciate these gifts even more, because you sacrificed to give them, but they won’t. They don’t want a gift that is laced with guilt. They only want a gift or service that comes from your heart because you wanted to give it.
5. Stop trying to get appreciated. I hope you are hearing this idea behind all the other steps. If you want to be appreciated you must stop trying to get appreciated. Your neediness is making everything you do about you. When you stop trying to get appreciation and start giving to the people in your life from a true sense of love, you will be naturally appreciated.
6. Be grateful and give more appreciation. There is a law in this universe called “You get what you give." This means if you want more appreciation, you must give more appreciation. Shower the people in your life with gratitude for every little thing they do. Make sure appreciating others is a core part of who you are. But again remember, this has to be real gratitude. You can’t fake this. You may need to spend some time putting on paper all the things you are truly grateful for. Try to imagine your life without them and find a true sense of appreciation.

Tony Robbins said, “Change your expectation to appreciation and the world changes instantly.

I promise, the fastest way to change other people is to change yourself. When you change YOU, and choose to live from love instead of fear and lack, they cannot respond to you the way the same way. Give more love to yourself and others, focus less on your fear, and this situation will change.

You can do this.

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular speaker on people skills www.speakerkimgiles.com