This was first published on KSL.com
Co-written by Martin Hurlburt

Question:

Help! My husband and I get along great in almost every way, except money. I don’t know why, but when we talk about it, it always leads to frustration, hurt feelings and even quarrels. We love each other and we really want to stop this bickering. What can we do?

Answer:

That is a great question. For this one I turned to my friend and behavioral finance expert Martin Hurlburt to help me give you some good advice.

Even couples who are kind and loving with great relationships often struggle to see eye to eye when it comes to managing money. It’s been said that money is a leading cause of divorce. But that is not true. It is a lack of communication and respect for differences on how we view money that leads to the frustration and fighting.

Why does this happen? And what can you do to avoid conflict over money?

Martin has made it his life’s work to answer that question. He says, “Misunderstandings and frustrations between spouses when it comes to managing finances come about because each person views money differently. Each person has their own unique money personality. Your money personality is basically the lens through which you view your entire financial world. It impacts how you earn, save, spend, manage and invest your money.”

Imagine you’re driving on the freeway at 75 mph. It’s a speed you feel comfortable. Suddenly, someone whizzes by you at 90 mph. What do you think of that person? Do you praise their driving skills and ability to go fast? No! You probably think they are a danger on the streets and ought to lose their license. While you are in the middle of that thought, you come up behind someone who is driving 10 mph slower than you and you can’t get around them. What do you think of that person? Do you praise their cautious nature? No! You probably think they are a danger on the streets and ought to lose their license too.

We each tend to drive at a speed that is comfortable for us and we think that anyone who drives faster or slower than us is dangerous and wrong.

The same kind of thinking applies to the way you manage your money. You will always lean towards doing it in a way that feels comfortable to you and you can’t really understand anyone who takes more or less risk than you. You can’t understand someone who saves, spends, or invests differently than you do. But chances are pretty good you didn’t marry someone with the same views, thoughts and emotions around money as you. This is what leads to conflicts in a marriage and not the money itself.

There are five basic money personalities:

1. Spender

2. Saver

3. Adventurer

4. Steward

5. Avoider

One personality is not better than another. (Remember no human being has more value than any other — even if you disagree with them.) You should not try to change your spouse either, just recognize, understand and respect each other, because each of the personality types has its pros and cons. In fact, blending together your two unique personalities may help you make better choices as a couple than you ever could individually.

You will begin to manage your money more effectively and reduce your levels of stress when you embrace your personality rather than ignore it or try to override it. It’s simple to find out what your money personality is with a simple questionnaire on www.IfMoneyCouldTalk.com. You will find a link on the home page. Click on it and answer some questions. For each one, choose the answer that first pops into your head without overthinking it. You’ll then get a report within two business days. It will outline the strengths and weaknesses of each personality profile, including yours. The report will also give you ideas on how to better manage your money and still be who you are.

To increase understanding between husband and wife, each person should take the money personality profile on their own. And then compare the results. Many couples have reported to me that this was an eye-opening experience and well worth the time. It gave them insights that they had never seen before.

There is also a worksheet on my website about money fear and how your fears affect the way you handle money, which you might find interesting. Again both you and your spouse should fill it out and compare what money represents to each of you. Then you can create a compromise that honors you both

Imagine that a couple is driving across country. The husband wants to drive 12 hours a day and get there as soon as possible. His wife likes to stop at places of interest along the way and enjoy the journey. Do you think that might cause some conflict? And who is right?

Neither one is right or wrong. They are just different. If they each understand and respect how the other feels, they will have a much more peaceful journey than if they each try to prove that their way is right.

An example of the compromise might look like this: Instead of three 12-hour days of driving, the husband might agree to five days of just over seven hours each. And instead of wanting to stop at every historic marker along the way, the wife might agree to plan in advance and pick just one or two places of interest each day.

If you would like to get on the road to leading a happier, less stressful and more productive life, the first step on your journey is to discover your money personality and then work together to create a win/win compromise that works for both of you. You both will have to give a little, but you will get a little too.

Make sure you are always willing to listen to your spouse and honor and respect how they feel before asking them to give you the same. If you both focus on honoring the other, you can have these conversations without conflict.

You can do this.

Martin Hurlburt is a speaker, author and personal wealth manager. He strives to help people simplify, unify and multiply their wealth. Contact him at www.IfMoneyCouldTalk.com.

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

This article was first published on KSL.COM
Question:
My husband and I have been married about two years and we simply cannot talk about money without it ending in a fight. He gets very angry if I bring up my concerns about our spending habits, but we can't keep going like we are. How do I get him to talk to me about money without him getting angry and attacking me?
Answer:

Almost everyone fights about money on occasion, because it is a topic that brings out both the fear of loss (the fear of losing money or losing control) and the fear of failure (the fear of making mistakes or not being good enough) and when you or your spouse is functioning from fear, you will tend to be selfish, reactive and unkind.

You must understand your spouse gets upset when you try to talk about money, because he's scared or feels threatened in some way. He may be afraid this conversation is going to end with him looking bad or feeling like a failure. Or he may feel you are trying to take from him at some level. In order to change the way you communicate about money, you must get clear about the specific fears money triggers in each of you. If you understand what he fears, you will also understand what he needs.


Figure the answers to these questions first:
What does money represent to you?
And what does it represent to your spouse?

Here are some ideas about what money represents. See if these are true for either of you.

• Money represents security and peace of mind, but only if there is money saved and in the bank. Without a good amount in savings you feel unsafe.
• Money to spend represents freedom. Only when you have money to spend do you feel free and safe. Without it, you feel oppressed and unsafe.
• Money is the scorecard that proves your value as a person (it shouldn’t be, but it often is). Does having money in the bank validate your worth? Or does owning lots of nice things make you feel validated and safe?
• Having too much money makes you feel uncomfortable, greedy or even evil. if you grew up hearing negative things about rich people, you could subconsciously avoid becoming rich because it represents greed.
• Money represents opportunity and is meant to be taken advantage of when you have it. You may think you must spend it when you have it because it won't last. Having the freedom to buy makes you feel safe.
• Possessions equal worth to you and if you can't spend money and have nice things, you feel inadequate.
• You may feel incompetent or inadequate when in comes to managing money, and the whole topic represents failure.

Understanding what money represents to you and your spouse should give you some clarity about why these conversations make you upset.

Then, figure out what each of you are afraid of when it comes to money. Here are some possibilities:

• Are you afraid of not having what you need in the future?
• Are you afraid of not having the freedom to buy what you want with your own money?
• Are you afraid of disasters and not being prepared?
• Are you afraid of failing to provide for your family, which would be the ultimate failure as a provider?
• Are you extremely afraid of what others think about you and does this drive you to keep up with the neighbors?
• Are you afraid of being controlled or losing control?

Remember, when you were single you had total control over all financial decisions. Now that you’re married, you have lost some of that control. Loss of control could also lead to disastrous failure, so this is a common fear.

I recommend that you and your husband go over these questions in detail by yourself and then together as a couple. Get really honest about what triggers your fear and what kind of bad behavior you are prone to when these fears show up.

Understand that men, especially, have a great deal of fear of failure and loss around money. If you handle money or conversations about money in a way that triggers these deep and painful fears, the resulting behavior is not going to be good. Scared people aren't very kind. They are focused on one thing only, feeling safer, and if this means lashing back at you, blaming you for the problems or shutting down the entire conversation, that is what they'll do.

If you are going to talk about money you must learn to do it from a place of love and understanding about his fears. You must reassure him that he is admired, respected, appreciated and wanted (and you must do this all the time so the foundation is there long before the conversation about money comes up).

Before you bring up your concerns about money, ask lots of questions about how he feels about it. What are his concerns, needs, wants and plans? Take the time to listen to his thoughts first and validate, honor and respect his right to those ideas even if you don't agree. After you have spent time listening to him, ask if you can share some of your ideas. Make sure you use 'I' statements and talk about yourself and your observations and fears. Avoid 'you' statements, which feel like an attack. You can download my formula for mutually validating conversations from my website.

Then, together as a team, you must create some rules about spending, saving and debt that will lessen both your fears. Make sure both parties agree to following the rules and being honest and loyal to each other.

Here are some other tips that may lessen the conflict:

Never fight about money in the moment when your fear is first triggered. Make it your policy to step back, identify your fears, and make sure you can treat your spouse with respect and love before talking about money.

Listen to and validate each other’s feelings. Having mutually validating conversations is the key to a good marriage. Honor and respect your spouse’s right to see the situation the way they see it. Respectfully ask permission to share your feelings and then do so in a kind, loving way. Focus more on future behavior than past behavior. Ask if they would be open to behaving differently in the future. Create compromises that put both your fears to rest.

Set rules and limits you are both comfortable with. Create a budget and honor it. Make rules about how much you will spend per week on small things. Agree that on purchases (over a certain amount) you will talk to each other first. Rules like these make everyone feel safer.

Keep the rules. This is the most important way you can honor your commitment to your spouse. You cannot have love without trust.

Be honest. Never lie to your spouse. It’s better to tell them what they won’t want to hear, than to lie and destroy the trust in your relationship.

Make a plan to get out of debt and start saving. This creates peace of mind and lessens fear in everyone.

If you or your spouse have so much fear around money that you just can't get past it, I highly recommend you get some professional help with it. It's the best thing you can do for your family.

You can do this.