This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

We recently moved to Utah and love our new home, but my son is having trouble with the other children in our neighborhood. I have actually heard kids tell him they won’t or can’t play with him because he is not a member of the dominant Christian religion here. I have seen them run away when they see him coming. He is a sweet, friendly kid, so I know it’s not him. I also have felt awkward with women in the neighborhood, as they definitely treat me like an outsider. I don’t really care about their friendship, they can like me or not, but my son desperately wants to play with the kids near us. What can I do as a mother? How could I change this situation? I figure there isn’t an easy answer, but I wanted to see what you thought.

Answer:

I am glad you asked this because it's not the first time I have heard about this happening here in Utah. Many find this hard to believe though because The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints teaches tolerance, love and acceptance of others. A song they teach their children to sing in primary says, “Jesus said love everyone. Treat them kindly too.” Church leaders also encourage missionary work and fellowshipping neighbors. But sometimes fear overpowers people's ability to love. Just know, not all Latter-day Saints are like this, and most don’t want this happening in their neighborhood either.

Here are some reasons religious discrimination might happen in your neighborhood and how to eliminate it:

1. Fear is likely the problem

The reason your neighbors are behaving in a way that is inconsistent with their church's beliefs could be that they are scared. They believe their choices could have serious eternal consequences. They may fear their children will be led away from their religion by friends who have different beliefs, and to some, that would be as bad as, or worse than, losing a child to death. They may be scared of you and what you represent, and might believe being around you and your kids will make them or their kids want to leave the church.

I want you to understand it could be fear-driven so you will understand it’s not about you or your kids. It’s about feeling safe. Having said that, it doesn’t make it OK.

2. Differences scare people

It is basic human nature to feel more comfortable with people who are just like you. We all choose friends with whom we have things in common. We do this because we have a subconscious tendency to compare ourselves with others, and differences of any kind inherently mean someone is better (or right) and someone is worse (or wrong). Because of our tendency to compare, it feels safer to stick with people who are more like us, where the risk of "better or worse" isn’t in play. This may be what is motivating your neighbors.

I believe there is a divine purpose in differences in the people around us. Differences stretch us and show us the limits of our love so we can work on them. We are very loving to most people right up to that limit line where fear takes over. Differences provide opportunities to grow and become more loving. We need to fear not growing and stretching (the real reason we are here) more than we fear differences and possibly being wrong.

3. They may fear some specific things in your home

Drinking coffee and alcohol may scare your neighbors or make them uncomfortable. So, if you have coffee or alcohol in your home where kids can see it, they might be scared to allow their children in your house. You might consider keeping it somewhere that cannot be seen or accessed by children (even restaurants in Utah have to keep bar areas separate from dining areas where children eat).

Using the Lord’s name in vain or swearing in general is another thing that could create discomfort.

Being aware of these differences gives you the opportunity to change some things that will make your neighbors more comfortable. You may or may not agree with their reasoning, but the reality is making some small changes could help your children make more friends.

4. Address the kids' parents directly

Learn how to have a mutually validating conversation and create a space where you can honor their beliefs, feelings and fears, and ask them to honor your beliefs, values and needs. This means having a loving conversation where both parties feel understood and not attacked. It might be tempting to let them have it, and either get confrontational or weepy with self-pity; they probably won’t respect either.

Start by asking questions about their beliefs and whether they feel uncomfortable with non-members. If you can ask it from a place of honestly wanting to understand — not accuse or put down — they might be open to talking about it.

After you have listened to them and their views, ask if they would be open to letting you share what your son is experiencing. Don’t use phrases like “you did this" and "your kids did that;" use “we” statements like "we have experienced," "we found," "it’s our observation," etc. Then ask if they would be open to figuring out a way their kids and yours can be friends — a way that would make you both feel more comfortable. Most people are totally open to working this out. They might like to be your friends and have just felt uncomfortable talking about it. Honor and respect their beliefs while also asking them to honor yours.

5. Talk to some of your other Latter-day Saint neighbors

Let other members of the church who live in your neighborhood know what is happening and see if they might be willing to ask others to make sure your children are included.

Good people everywhere, of every religion, believe in treating others as you would want to be treated. The only thing that gets in the way is fear for our own safety and well-being. If we are afraid, our fears make us subconsciously selfish. I am sure your neighbors didn’t intend to hurt your kids; they may just be scared of differences. They just need a little reassurance that you understand them, and you should be able to improve the relationship.

You can do this. 

Coach Kim Giles is the founder and president of Claritypointcoaching.com and www.12shapes.com. She has a podcast called "Explain People" on iTunes and you can read all her articles at coachkimgiles.com

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

I am very frustrated with my mother and some of her answers to things. I find that she lies or tells me things she doesn’t mean all the time. I just want her to tell the truth, even if it’s not what I would like. I think she tells me what she thinks the right answer is, instead. Like when I ask if she is going to go to something, she says no probably not, then she ends up going. Or she says she will talk to my sister about something and then she doesn’t. I have asked her repeatedly to just be honest, but this keeps happening. How can I get her to be honest?

Answer:

This might be happening because she doesn't feel safe enough with you to tell you the truth. Before I explain how to make her feel safer, I want you to understand some things about human beings. I believe, there are only two types of people on this planet:

1. Fear-of-failure dominant people

2. Fear-of-loss dominant people

All fear-of-failure dominant people are severely challenged at speaking their truth, they avoid confrontation, shy away from conflict, and prefer to keep everything and everyone peaceful, no matter the cost. Because of these tendencies, they are often doormats and their tendency to people please can cause a lot of relationship problems.

All fear-of-loss dominant people are very good at speaking their truth, they usually win in confrontation or conflict, and they don’t mind a good argument. Because of these tendencies, they scare the crap out of group one.

From your email, I am fairly confident you are the latter group and it might be hard for you to even imagine why speaking the truth is so hard. It’s always difficult to understand people who are vastly different from us. But fear of failure dominant have a strong subconscious program that says, “It is safer not to speak up.”

Here are two reasons some people lie:

1. They might want to avoid responsibility, trouble or punishment.

2. They don’t feel safe enough to tell you the truth because they are afraid of your reaction.

It sounds to me like your mother is a fear-of-failure dominant person who is terribly afraid to speak her truth to you about some of these issues. This might be because you have had a tendency in the past to react badly, react selfishly, question her motives, argue with her decisions, and otherwise dishonor her right to be where she is and want what she wants.

It is not your job to fix your mother's problems with fear, people-pleasing and lying. But you could do some things to improve the relationship and start making her feel safer with you.

You can do that by doing the following things. (These suggestions would also apply to any relationship where you want the other person to feel safe with you.)

1. Create a space where they can say "no"— and respect and honor that answer. This means letting them know that you can handle a "no" without being disrespectful, passive-aggressive, angry or punishing them. Say something like, “It is OK if you can’t, I would totally understand and I will still love you if you say no.”
2. Create a safe space for them to share their opinion. Again, let them know you really want to understand how they genuinely think and you promise not to disagree, tell them they are wrong or think less of them. If you do disagree, you are at least going to honor and respect their right to their opinion and would never assume you are better, smarter or more right than they are. These are just opinions.
3. If they say they will do something and then don’t, don’t get mad — get curious. Ask them if they would be willing to share what scared them about doing that thing. I promise there is a fear reason. Find out the fear reason and honor and respect their right to be where they are and be afraid of that. Don’t try to fix them. Just ask if they would be willing to talk about a way to do that thing that might not be as scary.
4. Do not talk down to them because they have insecurities you don’t have. Don’t see their fear as weakness or see them as less than you. If you do, they will feel this and not trust you. Instead, honor the fact that while you don’t have this problem, you have plenty of others.
5. Let them have the option of staying silent. They do have the right to keep some things private and not offend you. If they reserve the right to be silent, it's because their words shouldn't be used against them. Criminals have this right; your loved ones should too. Having some things you don’t want to share with others is perfectly fine. Let the other person know that you are here if and when they want to talk, and will provide a safe place with honor and respect if they ever want to share.
6. Let them have the right to do some things without you. I wonder if your mother lies about where she is going because too often you invite yourself to come with her. Give her a safe place to say, "I want to do this on my own," and don’t take that personally. Everyone has a right to feel this way.
7. Be prepared to stay firmly in trust about your value. Look at this experience as your perfect classroom so you don’t get triggered in your own fear issues. Understand this is really not about you; it’s about the other person and what they need right now. Be strong enough to stay calm, loving and respectful no matter what they say. Be prepared to ask questions, listen and not make it about you. (This one is hard and takes practice, but if you can’t handle the truth they won’t give it to you. Decide what you want.)

If you try these suggestions and the person is still lying, there might be more serious problems in play, or they might not believe you can really give them a safe place. They may need a sincere apology from you for all the times you didn’t listen, honor or respect how they felt. Let them know you are sorry and ask for the chance to prove you can do it.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder of 12 Shapes Inc. and the host of a podcast Explain People on iTunes. She is a sought after coach, speaker and corporate people skills trainer.

This was first published on KSL.COM

Question:

My husband has a tendency to use sarcasm and teasing with our young children. Our daughter is not, in my opinion, thriving with the teasing and sarcasm because she takes what he says literally. If her dad says, “Clean up your toys, or I will throw them all away," then our daughter drops to the floor in tears and upset. She gets upset because she doesn’t know the difference between sarcasm and reality, and it causes her a lot distress. When this happens I come to her defense and get bothered with my husband’s behavior and we end up fighting about it. Do you agree this behavior is a problem? How can I explain to my husband why he needs to change how he talks to her? I worry about his relationship with our kids and I appreciate any advice.

Answer:

The dictionary defines sarcasm as “the use of irony to mock or convey contempt; a sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark." Obviously, this isn’t positive.

Sarcastic comments — though oftentimes humorous — can also be passive-aggressive, mean, cutting and often uncomfortable to the people receiving them. Sarcasm can be the “wit that wounds” and children can’t see the humor in it or understand it until they're older.

In an article for Psychology Today, Signe Whitson writes, “Sarcasm relies on a type of subtlety that most children under the age of 8 do not pick up on. While the majority of adult communication occurs non-verbally through gestures, body languages and tone of voice, children are much more apt to interpret words literally and to miss or disregard non-verbal cues.”

Whitson says sarcasm, when used repeatedly, is a form of verbal abuse.

“It is a passive aggressive behavior in which the speaker expresses covert hostilities in sugarcoated, 'humorous' ways,” she said.

Many kids don’t have the maturity or confidence to handle sarcasm or teasing well. It is critical that we think about a child’s comprehension level and their emotional needs before we use sarcasm or tease them. You may have to communicate differently with each of your children and mindfully choose words that validate, educate and encourage them.

Think about each child in your home and ask yourself the following questions:

1. Does this child suffer from insecurity, fear of not pleasing, fear of not belonging or being good enough? Do they need additional validation about their worth, talents and character to make them feel safe?
2. Does this child feel the need to protect themselves and their things? Do they get upset if they feel taken from or mistreated? Are they afraid of losing things or having their things broken? Do they need to feel in control of their belongings and their choices to feel safe in the world? Do they need the autonomy to have more control or to feel safe?
3. Does this child have the maturity to understand sarcasm, teasing and jokes? You will know by their reactions to these things. If it makes them feel confused, upset, insulted or mistreated, then they are not going to thrive with this sort of communication.
4. What are you trying to accomplish with your communication? You have purposes to accomplish like getting your children to brush their teeth, go to bed, clean up toys, etc. But what else might your child need on the emotional level? Do they need reassurance that they are safe in the world, validation of their worth, education to better understand people or added encouragement in their abilities? Every interaction is an opportunity to give each child what they need.
5. What kind of relationship do you want to have with this child? Do you want them to feel safe with you, confide in you, come to you with problems, or do you just want control? Teasing and making fun of kids (even if the goal is to toughen them up) may create a relationship where the child doesn’t feel safe with you. If you lose connection with your child, then you may eventually lose influence. It is always better to focus on connection rather than trying to control. Connection gives you long term influence in their lives because they trust and respect you.
6. Do you care about how they feel? Or are you more interested in entertaining yourself or others with communication that you find funny?

Sarcastic people might think teasing is a form of tough love and that people (even kids) should be able to handle it. They may think saying “just kidding” after a sarcastic remark makes it OK, even if it was hurtful. They might even see themselves as funny people, even if they're the only ones laughing. They might miss the way their sarcasm cuts people on the receiving end.

You can be funny all you want, but if you do it at the expense of other people, they may not feel safe with you and may end up not liking you. This would be unfortunate with your kids.

My best advice is to slow down and pause before saying anything. Think about why you want to say what you are about to say. Is it love-motivated? Does it really need to be said? Does it meet this specific child’s needs? Take the time to figure out what each of your children need from you and decide how you should change the way you communicate to accomplish this.

If you are living with a sarcastic person, here are a couple of suggestions for dealing with them:

1. Build a rock-solid self-esteem. Remember that no comment can diminish your value. You have the ability to let all hurtful comments bounce off of you if you choose to be bulletproof.
2. Ignore their comments. This means denying them any attention for their comments. Pretend you didn’t even hear it and go about your business with peace, love and confidence. When they quit getting a reaction from you, it won’t be as fun to tease you.
3. Treat every sarcastic remark as literal. Not seeing the humor may take the fun out of it and without humor their comments might just look mean. Ask them if their comment was meant to make you feel small.
4. Talk about it. Have a mutually validating conversation about your relationship. This involves first seeing them as the same as you (not as a bad person) and then asking a lot of questions about how they feel about sarcasm. Ask if they care about the quality of the relationship? What kind of relationship do they want to have? Are they open to hearing how their sarcastic comments make you feel? Would they be willing to cut the sarcasm in favor of a better relationship moving forward?

Changing the way you talk to your children will take some thought and conscious effort, but it is the heart of your relationships with them, so it's worth the effort.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the president and founder of www.claritypointcoaching.com and you can take her free Clarity Assessment on her website. It is the first step to understanding human behavior and becoming your best self.

This was first published on KSL.COM
SALT LAKE CITY — This article is for parents. It's when they discover their teenager is sneaking out, is sexually active, is taking drugs or participating in any other scary, bad behavior.

How you react to this news or discovery matters. If you react badly, with an emotional, scared, selfish, angry, overblown in panicked reaction, you could push them further away from you and end up with less influence in their lives. If you respond right, you can strengthen your connection, build trust and gain more influence.

1. Don’t freak out

This discovery may feel like the end of the world; it isn’t. You must choose to trust the universe knows what it’s doing. This is the perfect classroom journey experience, showing up for you and your child, and to provide the lessons you both apparently need. Trust that your teen has signed themselves up for this lesson, because it’s the one they need, and you are going to become stronger, wiser and more loving through this too.

2. Don’t shame or berate them

We all make mistakes, have bad judgment, and try things we know are bad for us. We are human and making mistakes is a vital part of our classroom journey. So, you must not ever shame, humiliate, judge or berate your child for being a human being in process. This is the biggest mistake parents make. They approach their child from a position of above — better, more righteous and perfect — and talk down to their teen, who they view as stupid, bad and wrong. Our egos love this behavior, but it ruins relationships.

Get off your high horse and remember you aren’t perfect either, you have character flaws and you have made mistakes. Get down on their level and see both of you as the same, struggling scared students in the classroom of life, who both have a lot more to learn. Tell them you are a student in the classroom with them and apparently you both get to learn something here. Admit you have made tons of mistakes and there is no shame or judgment coming from you. Your only desire is to be here, help them sort it all out and figure out what they want. You are here to listen and no matter what, be on their side. This approach makes it you and your teen together against a problem, not against each other.

3. Don’t lecture, just listen

When you start lecturing, they tune you out. They do this because it’s all about you and not about them at all. When you lecture, you are saying things that make you feel better and safer. You are not saying things that actually help your teen.

So zip it and get ready for a long conversation where you say very little. It is time to ask questions and get to know your child at a deeper level. You will not believe how much you will learn about your child, if you ask questions and listen more than you talk. If your teen won’t talk to you (because you have not listened very well in the past, you may have to apologize for that and promise this time will be different). If they still won’t trust or talk to you, you might have to find another adult they can be honest with.

Tell your teen you just want to understand where they are, how they feel, what they want in life, and figure out how you can support them. Ask them to be honest with you and you can handle the truth without freaking out (and mean it). If you can’t handle the truth and stay out of judgment, fear and anger, then you won’t earn this place in their life. You may need to find another adult, a counselor, coach or leader, who they will talk to, while you work on building trust again.

If they will talk, ask questions, which help you understand what drives their behavior. The main drivers of behavior are what they fear most and what they value most. So, ask questions that explore these. Ask them to tell you what matters most to them from these four things:

• Having friends, fitting in, and being liked
• Getting attention from the opposite sex
• Freedom, independence, control or money
• Having fun

Look at their past behavior. Can you see which of these they have been trying to get their whole lives? Are they someone desperate for validation and approval (fear of failure dominant) or control, fun and freedom (fear of loss dominant)? When you understand what drives them, you will also get what they need from you.

Then, ask them if they can see how their behavior might be about meeting that need. Ask if they would be open to finding some healthier solutions or sources to meet that need. Ask them to tell you what might be healthier ways. Ask them about their goals, wants, and dreams in life, and explain your role, as their parent, is to support and help them to create the life they want and feel good about themselves. (Notice this is all done by asking not telling).

4. Ask permission to share

If you feel you must tell a story, give advice or make rules, ask them if they would be open to letting you go here. “Would you be willing to let me share my beliefs and values and how I feel about this with you?” If you have spent enough time listening first, you will have earned the right to go here now.

Asking permission is a powerful way to show your teen you respect and honor them, and the more you do this, the more they will respect you back. If they say no, say I respect that and move onto the part about creating rules together.

5. Don’t make unrealistic rules

Your teen is going to find a way to do whatever they want to do, no matter what your rules are. So, your cracking down and trying to control their life doesn’t really work and forbidding them from ever seeing their boyfriend or their friends again isn’t realistic.

It makes more sense to help them set some new boundaries and rules to help them create the life they want, but you must include the teen in figuring out what these new rules should be. These should be rules that help them protect themselves, from their own tendency to get into trouble. Decide on curfews, routine drug tests, access to tech, the car, etc.

Help them figure out why making better choices is the right thing for them, so they will want to make these good choices on their own when you aren’t there to control them. You want a smarter teen who makes good choices for themselves. This is much safer than control is. Also, remember you can have control or connection, and the later gives you more influence.

Your teen may keep making bad choices though, and if this happens, you may need to seek out some professional help (sooner than later). This is hard for parents though. You don’t want to see them make painful, costly decisions, but it is their journey and you will suffer less when you respect that. Focus on unconditional love, good boundaries and limits, and staying out of judgment and shaming. Keep choosing love over fear and listen to your intuition, as you are entitled to know what's right for your child.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the human behavior expert who solves people problems at home and work. Check out her new app at 12shapes.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com

SALT LAKE CITY — I get many questions submitted these days from concerned parents who are struggling to connect and have influence with their teens. Kids today have access to friends and information on every subject 24/7. Parents are finding it more difficult than ever to maintain real influence to guide their teens.

In order to have real influence you must have real connection and mutual respect. Below are eight ways parents sometimes behave that can erode their relationships, create disconnection and cause them to lose influence:

1. Have emotional and immature reactions, in anger, self-pity or fear

When parents are emotionally immature, reactive, or lose control, teens lose respect. They want you to be the adult, see situations clearly, and respond with wisdom and love. When you aren’t able to do that and respond immaturely they lose respect for you as an adult.

If you struggle with emotional immaturity and often blow your top, go to a self-pity or drama place, or use ridiculous threats, there are resources to help you deal with your emotions. If the problem continues, you may want to seek out some professional help to change that behavior.

The best thing a parent could do for their child is to work on their own self-worth and relationship skills. Learn how to process emotions in a healthy way and get control of your temper.

2. Try to force them and be controlling

Oppressed people always rebel. It’s just human nature. Have you ever tried to drag someone in one direction? What do they automatically do? They pull the other way. No one likes to be forced (even if they want to go the way you are pulling, they will always resist being forced).

It would be wiser to spend time asking questions and helping teens figure out which options create the best results in their lives and encourage them to make good choices on their own, for themselves. This way they make good choices even when you aren’t around.

3. Engage in power struggles

Parents who try to demand obedience and make teens obey soon find out they really have no control. There are very few things you can force another person to do. You can make them sit at a table to study, but you can’t force them to read or understand what they are reading. You can demand a bedtime, but you can’t force them to sleep. These kinds of power struggles erode connection and drive children away from you.

When you engage in force, you are making yourself the enemy. It makes more sense to stay on their team, not fight against them. You both want the same thing in the end, a happy, healthy, productive adult. Approach every issue as the two of you against the problem, never against each other.

4. Tell them the same thing over and over 

Lectures are rarely effective and when you say the same thing, in different ways over and again in one sitting, your teen stops listening. This is not the way to gain influence or connection with your child. Teens also get offended when you insult their intelligence and assume they aren’t getting what you’re saying. Trust me, they heard you.

What you are feeling is their resistance to how it’s being communicated. It’s not a conversation you are having, it is a one-way lecture and there is no connection involved. If you want to have a conversation about an issue with your teen it requires you to ask questions, listen and really hear their thoughts and feelings too.

If you need to be a dictator and give a speech, just expect eye rolls and disrespect, because respect has to be a two-way street. It also has to be earned through mature, calm, intelligent and validating communication.

5. Be hypocritical (say one thing yet do the other)

You lose all credibility when you don’t practice what you preach, and I guarantee your kids notice. They are learning much more from watching you than from anything you say. They may be learning how they don’t want to behave in the future or how to not treat their children.

Fortunately, your value as a human being isn’t affected by your performance, so you still have the same value as the rest of us. But it is your job to keep working on yourself and own it if you make mistakes. Never underestimate the power of being vulnerable and admitting when you are wrong — there are few better ways to connect with your kids.

6. Be disrespectful and talk down to them

You earn their respect by treating them with respect. Imagine how you would handle the conversation about their messy room if it was a friend staying with you. How would you speak to the friend about the mess? Try speaking to your own kids with that level of respect and you will get what I mean. When you talk down to teens, they can get offended and pull away from you. Any discipline, counsel or correction can be delivered with respect.

7. Talk more than you listen

Nothing shows a teenager that it’s all about you faster than this. Make sure in every conversation you are asking questions and listening to their views as much or more than you are talking. You will be amazed by what you learn.

Smart parents can ask the right questions and get a teen to figure out what they were going to say, without saying a word. That is real learning that lasts, too.

8. Spoil them or make their life too easy

This creates entitled teens who don’t listen and just demand and expect to have what they want. Make sure they learn young to earn what they have.

Your job is to prepare them for the real world, where phone plans cost money and get turned off if aren’t paid for. Let them fail often and learn these lessons now, in your home, when the lessons are less expensive.

If you have a hard time saying no or pulling back on privileges because they are used to being spoiled, seek out some professional help to show you how to do this in a loving, firm way.

Some people may think I am putting all the blame for a relationship problem on the parents. It does take two to create the mess you might be in, and your teen's bad behavior is obviously half the problem — but you are the adult.

It is your job to be accountable for your half. If you don’t have the skills and tools to handle parenting in a mature, wise, loving way, it is your job to seek them out. When you decided to have children, you accepted the responsibility of the parent role. You must take the role seriously and study, learn and grow in it.

The more you learn and grow, you will be able to model better behavior for your kids, and they will be better prepared to work on their side.

You can do this. 

This was first published on ksl.com

Question:

I can't seem to communicate with my 17-year-old son without conflict. I am trying to get him to respect me, and listen to what I am saying to him about his friends and his school work. I worry about the kids he is hanging around with and the lack of interest he has in achieving things. I only want what is best for him, but he isn't listening to me anymore. I am a single mom and I worry that I am not doing enough to keep him on the right path. Do you have suggestions or advice?

Answer:

It sounds like it’s time to shift from a child/parent relationship with your teen, to an adult/adult relationship. When our children are small, we parent from a place of authority. We often correct them and dictate the rules and the consequences, and this works when children are young. However, as they mature and their need to express themselves, their wants, their needs, and their opinions increases, and it becomes time to make some adjustments to the dynamic of your relationship.

In an adult/adult relationship there is more talking to each other with mutual respect and treating your child as more of an equal. This does not mean you start treating them as an adult or giving them the same responsibilities or freedom though. It’s just about honoring their intelligence and feelings more than you used to.

Instead of speaking down to your teen, speak to them with the same level of respect you might use with a friend or peer. You would probably ask them about their ideas and opinions, instead of just talking at them. If you show up differently and have genuine interest, respect, and concern for their thoughts and emotions, not just authoritative dialogue or lectures, you will get much more respect back. You will also find they feel safer with you and are willing to actually talk to you about what’s going on in their life.

As children become teens, you must strengthen your connection with them if you want to maintain influence. You can do this by making them feel heard and validated and doing more listening than talking. This doesn't mean you always agree with what they say, but you do give them the space to share their ideas, while at the same time maintaining the final say.

As your children grow, if this shift from control, to one of trust and respect continues to grow, you can have great, healthy and open conversations with your teenagers and adult children. The shift here is really a shift from fear and control — to trust and love.

Parenting from a place of fear means you are afraid that your children will not behave or make the decisions you want them to make, and as a result of those decisions you will either lose them or look (or feel) like a failure as a parent. Because we can be really scared of these things, we can have a huge need to control them and make sure our fears aren’t realized. We believe no one can trigger your two core fears (the fear of failure and the fear of loss) easier than your children.

When they make mistakes or choices that scare us, we may react from a place of fear and respond in a way that is driven by the need to quiet our fear, not in a way that’s really best for our children. Our fear of not doing a good enough job as a parent may actually make you not a good parent.

Instead, we must parent from a place of trust and love, rather than control. In this place of trust and love, because we aren’t scared, we can focus on what our child needs and behave in a way that teaches, guides and influences with respect, honoring where they are and what they think and feel.

Here are four ways to shift from fearful parenting with control and punishment, to parenting from trust and love, where you empower and equip children to make good healthy decisions for themselves:

1. Take responsibility for your fear and reactive responses

Have an open mind and analyze for yourself what could be fueling your fearful parenting. What are the fears you have about your children? Are you afraid that they will fail, they will go off the rails, they won't reach their potential? Are you afraid of how you might look to friends and family if your children make choices they don’t approve of? Are you afraid of losing them? Probably a bit of them all, right?

Most of the high risk teens we work with have parents who struggle extensively with fear of failure. They are afraid they are not doing enough, doing too much, or not guiding their children effectively. This fear is of little use. It only makes you show up as confused, controlling and overbearing, and it makes it hard for you to ask questions, listen and take the time to respect and honor your children and how they feel. The truth is they are scared too, and their fear of failure is often driving their bad choices. When you understand this, you will spend your energy building them up, instead of using fear-based reactions.

2. Decide your value is not on the line

Remember, you can see your value as a human being as in question and something you have to earn, or you can see your value as a human being as unchangeable and not affected by the way you parent your children.

We recommend you choose to see your value as infinite, unchangeable and intrinsic, as something you cannot lose or gain more of. If your children are successful, get great grades and hang out in the right crowds, it doesn’t make you better than people whose teens are struggling.

This might sound obvious, but at the subconscious level, most of us still think our performance (and that of our kids) reflects on our value. But we don’t lose value if our child goes off the rails or gets into drugs.

Stop the comparisons with other families and choose to trust your value is secure, and the same as every other human being no matter what happens with your kids.

3. Show your kids their value is safe too

Your teens and tweens have fears of failure and loss too, which influence their behavior and decisions. They suffer with major fear of failure and they compare themselves to their peers and desperately want to be accepted. They are also scared to death they won’t make it in the world.

If we want to have real connection with our teens, we must first earn their trust by creating a safe place for them and showing them the way out of their fears. You do this by loving them exactly as they are. Loving them through their bad choices, when they disappoint you, and teaching them to see their value as unchangeable too.

When they know you see their value as infinite, in spite of struggles or bad choices, they feel safe with you and this will create a relationship where you could be their 'go to' person when they need help, which is really the goal.

4. Trust the universe to provide the classroom lessons you and they need

This is the hardest part for most parents, because it feels like it would be safer to control them, but control is really a delusion anyway. The truth is you can’t really control your kids, and safety only lies in encouragement, building them up and inspiring them to be all they can be so they decide to make good choices for themselves

The better your connection with your child is, the more influence you will have. Showing them you believe in them and believe they can make it in the world (and telling them this often) actually makes them want to live up to your highest opinion of them. While comments coming from fear that imply you don’t trust them and their judgment tend to encourage bad choices.

Choose to trust God and the universe to provide the right classroom journey for each of us. This means trusting God is in charge of your kids and has their education well at hand. If they sign themselves up for some rough lessons, don’t freak out. Trust that God is the author of everything and feeling safe and in his hands, will make you more capable of showing up with love and compassion — instead of fear.

Our favorite parenting book, The Conscious Parent, written by Shefali Tsabary, encourages parents to view their teens as their perfect teachers. When you remember you are a student here too, and your child is triggering your fears, you have a chance to work on your fear issues, grow, and learn to trust more fully and love more liberally, and it will change the way you see your child’s struggles.

Work on these four things and focus on loving your son unconditionally and telling him you believe in him constantly (even if you aren’t sure you do). The more you can tell him he’s fantastic, smart and capable, the more he will see himself that way and make better choices. Set your fears aside and make sure most of your interactions with him are love driven, not fear driven.

You can do this — and your connection will improve. 

Kim Giles and Nicole Cunningham are the Master Life Coaches behind claritypointcoaching.com and 12shapes.com, they are sought after speakers, authors and coaches.

This was first published on ksl.com

Question:

My teens (twins, 16 years old) only want to text us. They don’t seem to be open or willing to have conversations with us anymore. I keep insisting on family dinners with no devices but the kids are angry the whole time. What are we doing wrong? We have younger children also and we are afraid of losing our connection and influence with them too. How do we create better relationships with our kids and make sure they will talk to us, not just their friends?

Answer:

We believe almost every parent on the planet is having this same problem right now. This new world of technology, social media, and texting can be a challenge for us all. Despite our fears and our desire for the world to be different, we must learn how to work within this new framework, if we want to connect with our children.

Despite our fears and our desire for the world to be different, we must learn how to work within this new framework, if we want to connect with our children.

By no means does this mean you drop your standards or your efforts to communicate like in the old days, but you must be smart and proactive and adapt to meet them where they are. It helps to understand the importance and the influence of technology on our teenagers.

There are many opinions on how detrimental it is for our teens to use technology for communication, however, it is the new communication process, whether we like it or not. If we exclude them from this by limiting, banning, or taking away technology altogether, it quickly creates social problems for them. If they are not communicating on social media, by text and on a phone, they are not included socially. It’s here that we see isolation, bullying, and feelings of despondency and depression come into play, as they are not connected to their peers.

We must allow them to engage in it with healthy limitations, which you can set with them and their input. These healthy limitations are best respected when they are also modeled by you. How attached are you to your phone when you are at home? Do you use your phone at meal times and after 9 p.m.? These are things to discuss as a family, and create limits based on moral reasoning instead of punishment.

Here are some ways you can improve your connection with your teenagers despite technology. This is the answer to your question, how do we continue to build trust, close relationships and instill values with our children, within their technology framework.

1. You must earn their trust and a place in their life; it’s not guaranteed just because you’re their parent.

The sad truth is if you want to be the person (and the place) they come to in times of stress, change, and trouble, you must earn it. Being their parent is not a guarantee that you will be their safe place, that they will trust you, or even include you in their life. Now, without needing to include you, or become vulnerable and risk judgment or punishment, they can turn to Google, social media and friends for help and answers when they need them.

This is a vastly different world from when we were teenagers, as we only saw our friends at school or at activities. Now, kids have constant connection through their smartphone, which is constantly attached to their thumbs and back pockets. This makes it even harder for parents to compete for their time, attention and for a position as their problem solver and confidant. Knowing your child is highly likely to reach for their smartphone for answers, instead of coming to you, is a scary place, but you can earn your position in their life through the following steps.

2. You must be a safe place for them.

If you really want to be the person your child turns to in times of trouble, you must on some level compete with technology for their time and attention, and you must be a safe place. This means you must be non-judgmental and use all your self-control to be present and listen instead of giving feedback or a lecture.

Technology offers answers fast and without judgment or disappointment in them. So you can’t risk being critical, making them feel dumb or embarrassed about their opinions and ideas. Being a teenager is awkward enough, so they need your love and support with a big dose of respect for where they are and what they think. This can be hard for parents who are parenting in fear of failure and loss, and want desperately for their children to listen, make changes or not make mistakes.

This doesn’t mean you have to agree with them all the time or even at all, but you must respect their right to have their feelings, ideas and emotions. This doesn’t mean you become their friend and drop parenting though. Instead, it means becoming an exceptional listener and making conversations all about them and not about you. You must validate and honor their right to feel as they do, even if you think they are completely wrong. You must do this because, at the end of the day, they do have a right to feel exactly as they do, so you must validate this right and show support for them.

Years ago, I begged my rebellious teen not to lie to me and to please just tell me the truth about his activities. His answer was, “Mom, then I need you to be able to handle the truth with love and respect, can you do that?” It was a tall order, but I set my fears aside and made it all about showing up for him.

If you can’t handle the truth and do it with love and compassion, your child won’t see you as a safe place and won’t come to you. Non-judgmental listening is the only way to create a place of safety and give you any chance of having influence at critical moments in their life.

3. Be mindful of your expectations.

We all have desires for our children. However, many of us become attached to outcomes and have high expectations. It’s good to have some expectations for your children, like wanting them to be good people with integrity and have good self-esteem. But are all your expectations realistic? Do they set your children up to succeed or to fail?

Many teenagers we coach tell us that their parents' expectations make them feel like they are failing all the time, and they honestly feel they are doomed to never be good enough. This is the exact emotion that pulls children away from you, that shuts down connection and dialogue. Often they withdraw from us and only communicate via text message (as it feels much safer).

As you set your expectations, be sure it’s not about specifics, don’t attach yourself to their exact grades, whether they win or lose at sports, or how they will perform. The healthiest and best way to set expectations is based on their efforts. This means them delivering their best effort and also finding joy and fulfillment in the process. This sets our children up to become fulfilled, self-motivated people and see that effort is worth the reward.

We also recommend a 5 to 1 rule. Deliver five messages of positive feedback and encouragement for every one conversation about improvement or correction. This is easier said than done, especially when parents are in fear and want their children to change. Focus on celebrating who they are and what they are doing well. This also creates a safe place, where they don't fear disappointing you.

4. Text your teens

If text is a communication method they are comfortable with, then use it without trying to push them into conversations they aren’t ready and open to having. Use the same 5 to 1 rule with texts (this means five positive, encouraging, fun texts for every reminder to be safe or a "Don’t forget your chores" kind of message).

Become savvy using emojis and be quick to respond to all their texts too. Remember, they live in an instant gratification world, so at some level, we must match that. Don’t wait hours to respond, do it ASAP.

Ask them to show you how to text with predictive text and how to use emojis properly. This shows interest in their world. Never underestimate the power of a positive text — “Hey, it’s mom. Just want you to know how proud I am of you and can’t wait to grab a movie with you this weekend." or "Good luck on the math test today. You’re going to be great! I believe in you and know how capable you are.”

Send them funny messages and make them laugh too.

This parenting game with technology is a new one for us all, but showing interest and enthusiasm to get on their level and even allowing them to laugh at your incompetence, is great for building a connection.

Remember to parent from love instead of fear, trust your children and watch your need to control them. Begin to adjust your perspective to one of respect, and speak to them as you would a peer or an equal, instead of talking down to them as a child.

They are still your children, but they badly want your respect and to be treated like an adult. The more you respect them at this level, the more respect you will get back. Choose to love them where they are and use technology to connect with them, and you will always have an important place in their world.

You can do this! 

Kimberly Giles and Nicole Cunningham are the owners of claritypointcoaching.com and 12shapes.com. Come hear them speak at the Uplift Families Conference in October - at Thanksgiving point. http://www.upliftfamilies.org/

This was first published on KSL.com

SALT LAKE CITY — In this edition of LIFEadvice, life coaches Kim Giles and Nicole Cunningham share some ways to take better care of yourself so you feel less drained and empty in your parenting.

Question:

I feel like a terrible mother. I find myself resenting my children for just how demanding my job is. I don’t think they are more demanding than other children, but I just don’t have it in me some days. I feel emotionally drained and can’t wait for them to all be in bed, so I can have some me time. How do I successfully balance my needs and the needs of my family without resentment or guilt? I feel guilty taking care of me but resentful if I don’t. I don’t want to be this grouchy and drained all the time. What can I do?

Answer:

Thank you for having the courage to speak out about these feelings that we believe most mothers feel, at least some of the time. Motherhood and balancing the needs of a home and family is a tall order and most of us have high, slightly unrealistic expectations that leave us feeling like we are never good enough.

The truth is we all feel emotionally drained from motherhood on occasion. Having the energy to give selflessly to other people day and night, is difficult and unless we learn to maintain a healthy balance and make sure our own bucket is full, we can feel drained or resentful a lot.

There are four ways you can create a healthier balance between caring for other and caring for yourself and keep your bucket full:

1. Institute some healthy boundaries

Do you allow people to take more from you than you have to give?

Sadly, almost every woman we know, answers YES to this question. Obviously, there are things you must do every day to meet the needs of your family and ensure they are safe, nourished and cared for, whether you want to or not. However, most women give more than necessary and take on extra tasks, which leave them feeling resentful and overburdened.

This over giving can lead to feelings of anger and mistreatment. Over giving may be so behaviorally ingrained for you though, you may even find even understanding the principle of balance difficult. Many people, who are people pleasers, learned as a child that pleasing others and serving was always the "right" thing to do and sacrificing yourself was righteous. But this implies that taking care of yourself at all makes you selfish. Many women and men, who grew up with these beliefs, need help establishing healthy boundaries with their spouses, friends and neighbors.

Boundaries are rules that protect you from your guilt, weakness and people pleasing, which make you to over give. They are not about controlling other people. They are about controlling you.

The first boundary you probably need is a permission rule about saying no. We sometimes have to tell our clients, “We officially give you permission to say no to things that would overwhelm or drain you, and do so without feeling guilty at all. Saying no does not make you a bad person, it makes you a healthy one.”

If you want to have healthy relationships, you must give only those gifts you can give freely, without guilt, strings, or sense of obligation in play. When you give authentically, you are love-motivated, meaning you have it to give and actually want to give it. Your giving is not driven by "shoulds" or the need to get approval or validation from others (which would make the service about you not them). If you give to others because you are afraid of judgment or letting someone down, or if you feel guilty if you don’t do it, your giving is based on fear, not love.

This week, give yourself permission to create some new healthier boundaries. Could you love yourself enough to acknowledge your needs and make sure they are met, while also tending to the family? This can be hard if you place your value in what other’s think of you or if you are trying to look like a "super mom" caring for everyone and sacrificing yourself. But there is no extra prize for the super mom or the martyr.

One of the healthiest things you can do as a mom is model healthy, balanced self-care, showing your kids it is right and healthy to take care of yourself because you are as important as everyone else. You will also find people tend to appreciate what you do for them more if you say no on occasion. When you always sacrifice yourself for others, they come to expect it, and their appreciation goes down. If you are completely taken for granted, it's a sure sign you are over giving.

2. Remember receiving is just as important as giving

This may be another bitter pill to swallow if you are a people pleaser who feels safer being the giver. But being good at receiving is just as important as being good at giving. Unless we allow others to reciprocate in our relationships, we don’t experience a truly healthy, relationship dynamic. Think of how good it feels to give a gift to someone you love. Now, think about how you would feel if they rejected your gift. You see, receiving gives the other person the same fulfillment you get when you give to them.

It’s essential this balance of giving and receiving is established in all the relationships in your life. Without this balance, you easily slip into over giving and other people either take advantage of this or walk away because they are not receiving the feelings they want.

Many relationships breakdown because, over time, the imbalance of giving and receiving takes a toll. Allowing your children to help around the house, give you a foot rub, be patient while you take a bath, or take time from their day to sit and listen to you, are easy ways that you can correct the imbalance.

Not asking for and accepting help from children may be why you have some resentment. Ask your children to pitch in around the house, allow them to cook you a meal, even if it’s cheese on toast or cereal. It’s fun for them and it’s essential for you, so drop the high expectations of doing it all and make life a team effort.

3. Ask for your needs to be me

Your needs are just as important as the other members of your family. We know this may be hard to get your head around, but your needs being met is essential to the physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual well-being of the entire family.

Asking for what you need, in a loving way, is also much better than holding resentment and anger that your needs are never met. Learning how to facilitate conversations that allow you to ask for help is easier than you think. Start by asking them questions about how they feel about life in your home. Really listen and be open to some things you could do better or different. (This makes children feel very loved.) Then, ask if they would be willing to help you a little more by doing this or that for you.

We think you will be surprised at how much your family wants to love you through acts of kindness, service and support. Many of our clients feel angry that they don’t get more help, but they aren’t asking the family to help either. Start by asking for what you need without feeling guilty.

4. Drop the guilt

Mothers are the queens of guilt. We feel guilty about not giving enough time or energy, about not being enough, about not being a good enough role model, provider, housekeeper, confidante — we feel guilty when we are working and guilty when we aren’t — we feel guilty about everything.

Let’s drop this now. You always do the best you can with what you know in each moment, and you often give when you don’t even have it in you.

Your value does not change if you are tired, grouchy or drained. Your value is the same as every other person no matter how much you struggle. Your love is one of a kind and it is exactly what your children need.

You are not a perfect parent (because that’s not possible), but you are the perfect parent for your children (or you wouldn’t have been given the job). Your guilt doesn't serve anyone or anything. Get over it. Let the past go and do your best to stay present and love yourself and them today.

Keep working on your ability to receive and create some healthy boundaries for yourself this week. Figure out what you really need to keep your bucket full and make a plan to do those things.

Parenting is one of the hardest jobs we have in our lifetime. By showing greater compassion and understanding toward yourself, especially in times of fatigue and emotional exhaustion, you will honor your value and show up as a love-motivated parent.

You can do this! 

Kimberly Giles and Nicole Cummingham are the founders of claritypointcoaching.com and upskillrelationships.com. They have programs for burned out moms starting soon.

Question:

My brother and sister-in-law moved close to our house this summer. One of their sons (my son’s cousin) is a real tyrant though, who insists on having control and manipulates my son. This bossy kid is unable to share and demands his way with tantrums constantly. I don’t know how to address this behavior with my son. I do not feel it is healthy for anyone to boss others around like this. I would never allow my child to do that. What would be the best way to bring this up with my son and teach him to stand up for himself, or talk about it with my sister-in-law and ask her to work with her child on this? These situations can be so awkward and I don’t know where to start because I don’t want to offend, but I hate how my child is being treated.

Answer:

You are really asking me two questions. The first is how do I teach my child to enforce boundaries and not get pushed around by others? The second is should I bring up bad behavior to the child’s parent and how does one handle a conversation like that without offending?

We get a little excited by these people problems though, because there are great learning opportunities here for everyone involved. For you, it is a great exercise in speaking your truth and being your child’s advocate, and for your child, there is important opportunity to learn how to enforce boundaries and decide how they will allow other people to treat them. Learning this now could save your child years and years of trouble later in life. The bossy cousin also has a great lesson coming, about how you must treat people if you want them to stay in your life.

We would recommend you start with a conversation with your child, though, and see if he can change the situation by enforcing boundaries on his own. We believe teaching children to enforce boundaries is one of the most important things you can teach them because it will set them up to have healthy relationships for the rest of their lives.

Adults also need to work on finding a healthy balance between showing up for others and taking care of ourselves. Most of us find showing up for others is easier than taking care of ourselves. We believe this happens because you have been subconsciously programmed to see taking care of yourself as selfish and bad — but it’s not selfish. It’s healthy and wise.

If you don’t take care of yourself, ask for what you need and stand up for yourself, you will soon be empty and have nothing else to give to anyone. Remember, you are the one in charge of making sure your needs are met and your bucket stays full. This could mean staying away from people who drain you, asking for the time alone, or for whatever space you need to refill and nurture yourself. You must show your children how to do this by example. If you struggle with this, we highly recommend you get some coaching or counseling to work on worthiness and receiving.

Or you might have the opposite problem and be really good at taking care of yourself, but struggle to want to show up for others. Either way, you get to work on balance.

Here are some tips on teaching children to enforce boundaries:

1. Ask questions

Find a time to ask your kids some questions about how they feel about playing with the cousin who insists on controlling them and always having his way. Ask them how it makes them feel and what they think is fair in those situations.

Great Parenting Tip: You should always ask questions and listen to your children before you give any advice on anything. Find out what they already know and ask questions to see if they can figure out the right answer on their own.

2. Ask permission to share 

If they can’t see the answer, then ask if they would be open to some ideas on how they might handle the situation.

Great Parenting Tip: Always ask permission to share your ideas or advice and make sure the child is open to it before you say a word. This shows you respect them and their views. (Do this with adults, friends and family too).

3. Teach principles 

Once you have permission, explain to them the concept of compromise and explain the need for everyone to have a say and to have a turn. Spend time teaching your children the importance of seeing everyone as the same (in importance and value) and that everyone should have the opportunity to choose how and what to play.

It’s important as you discuss the behavior of the cousin, you do not put him down in any way. You have a great opportunity to teach compassion here and this child has the same value as your children, it’s only his behavior that you are commenting on, not his intrinsic worth as a person.

4. Give them language

Equip your child with the language to enforce boundaries through role-playing the scenarios with him. This will help him feel confident to discuss the problem next time it occurs. Teach him how to stand firm and share his feelings lovingly using language like, “I think it would be fair for all of us to have a turn at deciding the game today. When you choose all the time it makes me not want to play with you.” or “Absolutely, let’s play your game, and then let me have a turn at deciding the next game so we all get to do what we want to do.”

If language such as this is unsuccessful and the cousin’s behavior doesn’t change, then it’s very helpful to equip your children with the language to excuse themselves from the play or ask for help from an adult, without appearing like a tattle tale. Giving him phrases such as “OK, I don’t feel this is fair that you keep choosing the game and it’s not very fun for me to go along with your ideas all the time, so I’m going to go home and play by myself for a while and choose something I want to do.”

You can decide from there whether to speak to the child’s mother yourself or just keep your son at home with you. The other mother may ask, at some point, what’s going on and why your child won’t come play anymore. Be prepared with the same tips above to have a loving conversation with the mother. Ask questions and listen first to see if she has seen any problems or concerns when the boys played together. Find out if she was aware, at all, of what was happening. Then, ask permission to speak your truth. There is a great communication worksheet on our website which can guide you through having mutually validating conversations.

Remember to refrain from judgment and don’t speak down to the other parent as if you know more or better. Speak to them as an equal and you will receive the same respect you are giving them back and you can hopefully come to a mutual solution.

Begin the conversation with a permission questions like, “Hey, would you be open to talking with me about how the children are playing? I’m a little concerned with something I see is happening.”

If you receive a "no" then you know it’s either not a good time or that the parents are not open to feedback or a mutual solution. This will then help you to make the decisions that are healthiest for your children. Receiving feedback without being prepared is often hard to take, so asking permission ensure you create the best environment possible for the conversation.

When you speak your truth try to use more "I" statements than "you" statements. “I have noticed that when our children play your son has a need to consistently have his way and is not open to compromise. I find that my child is not being heard or having a turn, which I don’t feel is healthy for him. I wonder if you would be open to us as parents doing our best to get involved, to ensure all the children are getting a chance to share their ideas and choose a game, as this is really the healthiest way for them to learn to play and get along. Would you be open to helping me with this?”

Learning to have these boundary conversations is challenging, but this healthy dialogue really does make for lasting relationships. You may need to have a few conversations with your child about speaking his truth in a loving way before he has the confidence to speak up for himself, however, these are all wonderful and healthy discussions that will serve your child well in their future.

You can do this.

By Kim Giles and Sean Barnett

This was first published on KSL.COM
Question:

I’m really suffering here; our son (who is now 19) is drinking and smoking weed. He is always lying, his grades have started to plummet, and he is of no help around the house. We tried everything from taking away his phone and car, grounding him and sending him to counseling, but he keeps gravitating toward friends that are obviously not concerned with their future. He only attended one semester of college and has lost two jobs in the last three months. The more I try to help him see that what he is doing is leading him down a miserable path, the more he pulls back. He doesn’t respect any of the family rules, and he often sleeps all day. I know he is depressed and anxious, but I am at my wit's end. What would you suggest?

Answer:

(I have brought in coach Sean Barnett to help me answer your question, as he is an expert at working with at-risk teens.) 

He says you must focus on the one thing you have control of: your suffering.

This may be hard to hear, but you and only you are responsible for the pain you are experiencing here. The intensity of your misery is in direct proportion to how far you are willing to go to avoid being responsible for the pain you are feeling. In other words, if you own responsibility for your suffering, you would finally have the power to lessen it.

It will also help if you will separate the facts from the judgments and meaning you are applying to the situation. The facts are that your son uses drugs and does not perform well in school or at work. You and your wife have tried punishing him and sending him elsewhere to be “fixed,” but he is still making the same choices. You would like to connect better with your son, have honest and direct communication and help him avoid a hard life, but you are not experiencing that.

The judgments and applied meaning to your story are that drugs are terribly harmful, school and work are critical, his friends are a bad influence, and your son is disrespectful, unhelpful, lazy and depressed. These are not totally true.

Let’s start with the drugs. Drugs can become addictive and can cause mental, emotional and physical damage to users, and the ones you are talking about are illegal, which means they can lead to incarceration and close doors to countless opportunities. It is normal for a parent to fear these things for their child. It can also feel like your son’s struggles are a reflection of the job you have done as a parent, and that brings personal fear of failure into the equation.

The reality of drug use (from many addiction experts) is that only about 10 percent of people who use recreational drugs become addicted or experience serious long-term adverse consequences. This means your son has at least a 90 percent chance of getting through this stage of his life with no more than a few figurative or literal bumps and bruises.

The hard truth is you have little control over what your son chooses to do. Even if he ends up in the place you fear, it will be the result of his choices alone. He will have signed up for those classes. Period.

You only have control over how you choose to feel and respond. So, the question is, how can you sleep well at night and feel you’ve done everything you can to be a good parent?

Here are a few things we recommend:

Trust that your son is choosing the perfect classroom journey for him. The most valuable lessons in life always come through extreme adversity. If your child experiences pain from his choices or makes choices that create rough trials, and there is nothing you can do to prevent this, do not carry the weight of having to save him from these consequences. Remember, a baby chick dies if you help it out of its shell because it needs the struggle to become strong. Some children need some of their lessons the hard way. If they keep signing themselves up for those classes, they apparently need the lessons (and consequences) those choices will bring. The message you want to send to your child is you love him no matter what and believe in him to come through this. Then trust he is in the hands of someone greater than you, who is ultimately in charge of your child’s journey and education. Hand the weight, worry and fear over to a higher power and trust him to see your child through. You aren’t giving up supporting your child, but you are trusting God to help make it all work out. (You are more likely to keep or create a good connection with your child, too, if you stay out of fear as much as possible. Fear-based responses are void of love, and love is what your child needs.)

Be the person you want your son to be. It is crucial to realize our children can’t hear our words. They only hear our actions and how we live. It is insane to yell at your kid in an attempt to teach him how to be a respectable adult. Do you remember being 19? Would you open up to someone that labeled you lazy or hated your friends? Would you feel comfortable sharing your deepest fears and shame with them? You want to be a safe place and an understanding person they can come to for unconditional love and support. Do not enable the bad behavior, but always love and believe in him to turn it around.

Speak your truth clearly and follow through with consequences. If drug use is unacceptable in your house, have the courage to stand in that truth. If you believe a 19-year-old should contribute to household operations, or be either enrolled in school or employed to live at home, own it. Write your ground rules clearly, and then let your son know these are simply conditions of residing in your house. They have nothing to do with how much you love him. These are rules that are necessary for your sanity, not his. But remember, you have all the latitude in the world concerning how drastically you set your consequences. Sean wrote contracts with his son that were clear, progressive and agreed upon, long before he realized he was no longer a good fit for living under his parent's roof. He would be happy to help you develop a sensible, fair and effective family contract.

Accept your own faults and fears first. Anything you see in your son that makes you angry or fearful might be a projection of fears within your own shadow side. Shadow work on your own fears can be frightening, but if you trust the treasure you seek is always in the cave you fear, this can be the most liberating work in your life. You must own all the faults and weaknesses you hate about yourself, and learn to tell the truth about them. It is only in this kind of vulnerability and humility you find true freedom and connection with your son. Take off the masks you have created in an attempt to protect you from your fears of not being good enough. As long as you have secrets about your own life, no one can connect to the real you. When you get real about your fears and weaknesses, you can connect with your child as two scared students in the classroom of life, with the same intrinsic worth, who are just learning different lessons. From this place of vulnerability, your child will feel safer with you, and you will have greater influence in his life. But you have to get off your high horse to connect from here.

The key to alleviating stress within your family has everything to do with addressing the things you control and accepting the things you cannot control. Remember, you are in charge of the amount you suffer over your child’s choices. Accountability for your feelings always resides directly with the person having the feelings. When you recognize a behavior in someone else that results in your emotional pain, the best place to start is by working on your own fear issues. We highly recommend that parents of at-risk teens be the first to get coaching or help. You cannot help your child from an unbalanced place.

Focus on trusting that we are all going through the perfect classroom journey for us, to teach us the precise lessons we need most.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. Sean Barnett is a master coach working with teens, parents and others who need greater skills to build good relationships.