This was first published on KSL.com 

In this edition of LIFEadvice, Coach Kim answers a reader's question and explains the ways being and communicating online has made us meaner to each other.

Question:

I was recently "ghosted" by my partner. Along with the sadness of the breakup, I am also feeling emotions of embarrassment and shock. What red flags do people who "ghost" usually exhibit? How do you deal with the trust and self-esteem issues that almost feel inevitable? Maybe you could write about not doing this to other people and explain why people are so mean online?

Answer:

There have been many changes in our world in the last two years, and it appears that we are treating our fellow human beings worse than ever. It seems like online/tele-everything is lessening our ability to treat other humans with love and respect.

A recent article in the Deseret News says, "People seem to have so many things to be angry about today, whether it's wearing masks or not wearing them, keeping schools open or refusing to close them, getting vaccinated or thinking it's dangerous, or just feeling powerless against forces out of their control."

The whole world is functioning in a fear of loss state, where they feel at risk and believe they must protect themselves from other people. The pandemic has made us afraid of each other and we often see other humans as a threat — and this is not just about catching the virus. We see people who have different views, look different, or live differently as more threatening than ever, too.

We also have a greater tendency to say rude things online than we ever would face to face. I have experienced this with negative comments to my articles here. This phenomenon is known as the online disinhibition effect. As a KQED article explains it as, "Essentially, being online lowers your inhibitions. This often results in people either behaving meaner or opening up more online than they normally would in face-to-face conversations."

A recent survey from Pew Research showed that 40% of American adults have personally experienced abuse online. While we generally conduct real-life interactions with strangers politely and respectfully, online we can be horrible.

Essentially, being online lowers your inhibitions. This often results in people either behaving meaner or opening up more online than they normally would in face-to-face conversations. -Lauren Farrar, KQED

This is especially true in high schools and junior high schools, where we see cyberbullying causing problems, and in online dating. In the first quarter of 2020, Tinder reported 3 billion swipes in a single day. But, this is not necessarily a good thing.

We are starting to treat dating about as seriously as a video game or a take-out order, as lifestyle writer Mary Crace Garis says. In an article for Well+Good, Garis quotes Camille Virginia, founder of the relationship coaching service Master Offline Dating, thus: "There's a direct correlation between the investment of effort to meet someone and how much value gets placed on that person, When you put the same amount of effort into swiping on a dating app as you would into ordering Chinese takeout for lunch, you're going to subconsciously value the person in that moment about the same as you do the food. I'd actually argue most people would value their Chinese food even more than the people they're swiping on."

The problem is that dating apps also make it seem like there is an endless number of other options ready and waiting if you don't like the one you are talking to. This, along with the fact that dating apps feel a little like a video game, can make us forget that real people with real feelings are involved.

We also have people who are online dating but who have no intention of actual dating at the end of it. They might be just looking around, dipping a toe in, but they often quickly decide they aren't up for it and disappear. Some like spending time swiping and browsing people, but they aren't actually ready to date or even single yet.

This has created a whole new world of terrible human behaviors like ghosting, cloaking, bread crumbing, and zombieing other people. It's important to know about these terms because teens and young adults use these techniques in their cyberbullying.

Let's clarify a few of them now:

• Canceling: To stop all following, interacting with or supporting a person because of something they did or said. This can be a cruel form of cyberbullying.
• Ghosting: When a person cuts off all communication with their friend or date with zero warning or notice beforehand. You'll mostly see them avoiding friends' phone calls, social media, and even avoiding them in public.
• Cloaking: When a person arranges a date at an agreed-upon destination just to have one party not show up. When they try to reach out to contact that person they find the person has erased all record of conversation and online existence, leaving the cloaked victim clueless and hurt.
• Benching: When you aren't interested enough to actually go on a date with someone, but you don't want them to move on either. You keep them on the sideline so you could decide to date them later. This means stringing them along (keeping them on the bench) but not in the game.
• Bread crumbling: This is very similar to benching, but you keep sending flirty messages (bread crumbs) so they don't feel dumped. You like their attention and want to keep that, but you also aren't willing to go on a date with them.
• Cookie jarring: When a person keeps one hand in the cookie jar with some other options in case their main squeeze doesn't work out.
• Cushioning: When you keep a few people on the bench in case it doesn't work out with the one you are dating. You might keep a bunch of other people in your life as a cushion or option later.
• Catfishing: This is when a person creates a false profile and communicates with you pretending to be someone else. This is incredibly cruel and deceptive, as its only goal is to mess with and hurt another person. To avoid this, insist on a video chat early on when you meet someone.
• Kittenfishing: This is when you have a real profile online, but your pics are filtered and don't look like you or they are from when you were much younger, and you have not been completely honest about yourself.
• Haunting: This is when a person breaks up with you, but they are still lurking around you on social media, liking your posts, or leaving subtle reminders they are still out there and still have eyes on you.
• Stashing: This is not letting anyone know anything about the person you are dating. You don't introduce them to your friends and family, and you aren't showing pictures of them on social media. This shows a lack of commitment on your part.
• Zombieing: This happens when a person ghosted you and disappeared, but now they are back again and acting as nothing happened. It feels like they have returned from the dead, but there is a yucky aroma about it and it doesn't feel safe.

There can, of course, be good reasons to block someone you met online. There may be red flags or scary behavior, and you absolutely should protect yourself and be careful. Having said that, for most people (who aren't dangerous), a quick message that you've changed your mind and aren't interested would be the respectful, kind way of handling it. Even better, give them some honest feedback and sincerely wish them the best of luck out there. If you struggle with the courage to be honest, check out a recent KSL.com article I wrote: "Delivering bad news as nicely as possible."

All of the behaviors listed above are driven by fear. People are afraid of real communication, honesty, vulnerability and owning who they are and where they are. You might watch out for people who are very slow in moving forward, aren't good at communicating, and aren't willing to take the next step to video chat or meet. Those are red flags that they are only interested in swiping and then quickly off to the next option.

If you are going to participate in online dating or any online interaction with other humans, you should be ready to handle these interactions with honesty, respect and courage. Care enough to consider how they will feel and what they need. People would rather hear the truth — even if it hurts — than they would be left totally confused.

If you have been ghosted online or treated disrespectfully, remember that it isn't really about you at all. It happened because that person is scared and functioning in fear. They don't have the confidence to handle themselves in a respectful way. They might think they need to treat others badly to feel powerful and good, but this never leads to happiness.

You probably dodged a bullet here. It's better to find out that they aren't ready for a real relationship/friendship or aren't right for you now than later.

Do not allow this person to lessen your intrinsic value as a person. You have the same value as every other human on the planet and what one person thinks of you doesn't change anything. Understand the right person for you will show up and love you exactly as you are. You may have to go through a lot of scared, immature, unprepared, people online to find the one you are looking for, but don't give up. Just go into any online networking knowing that these common bad behaviors happen to everyone, and be ready to shrug them off when they happen to you.

You can do this.

This was first published on KSL.com
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Question:

This may seem like an obvious question, but I'd like some advice on how I break up with my girlfriend without hurting her too badly. She is great, but she isn't right for me. I know that she is probably going to take it hard, is there any soft way to do it?

Answer:

I'd like to answer your question in a way that is relevant to anyone delivering bad news. This means situations like firing someone, giving negative feedback, or ending a relationship.

In each of these cases, the bad news is going to be the catalyst for some pain, fear or shame happening in the other person. There is no way around that. Rejection and criticism experiences are painful for most people, but there are some ways you can soften the blow and — even more important — change your mindset so it is easier for you, because being the one to deliver bad news can feel terrible, too.

Here are some things to keep in mind before you deliver the bad news:

Use some empathy

Take a minute and put yourself in their shoes. Imagine how they feel now and how the news is going to feel for them. Think about what you would want to hear and how you would want to hear it if you were in their position. This will help you to handle it with more kindness. You can also tune into God's love for this person and it will help you to come from love when you speak to them.

Find the right time and setting

Ideally, you'll want privacy, time and space for the other person to either be alone or to go be with other people who can support them. You might want a setting where it is easy for them to leave and not have to face you afterward. For example, don't break up with your girlfriend on a trip where you have to be together for two more days, and don't do it in public. Breaking up with someone in their home is best because you can leave and they feel safe there.

Remember: You are not responsible for their happiness

While you are responsible for delivering the bad news with clarity and kindness, you are not responsible for any part of what the person goes through next. That might sound cold, but you cannot be responsible for something that is out of your control. Place the person in God's hands and let go; he is responsible for their life journey and experiences.

Understand your part

The universe has set you up to be the one to deliver the bad news and facilitate this part of the person's perfect classroom journey. This person wouldn't be here if it wasn't their perfect journey to be here. They have in some way signed up for this "class" (whatever experience this bad news brings). Your perfect classroom journey placed you here to be the one to deliver this news because it is the class you are signed up for. Your part is to be kind, honest and straightforward. After you deliver the news, your job ends and God will take it from there.

End the relationship quickly

Put an end to the relationship as soon as you know it's not right for you. Don't keep dating someone because you feel bad hurting them. Be responsible and caring enough to be honest and tell them how you feel as soon as you know can.

Focus on a few positives first

Take some time and validate the person for the things they do right or their amazing qualities. Make sure they know you see them accurately and see their goodness, but don't spend too long here or they may get confused about how the bad news fits.

Use 'I' statements

Especially when breaking up with someone, don't focus on their faults or negative traits. Focus on what you are feeling, looking for or experiencing. They can't argue with your feelings because you are the only one who truly knows how you feel. Just state your feelings and what you need. Avoid statements about what they do or don't do.

Don't use cliches

Avoid saying things like "it's not you, it's me" or "I don't think I am good enough for you." The truth is probably "the chemistry isn't there for me at the level it should be" or "I know in my heart this relationship isn't right for me."

Be as kind, honest and as straight forward as possible

Deliver the news with respect, honoring the other person and their intrinsic worth. Be honest and speak the truth plainly. Don't beat around the bush, be direct and clear. Speak the facts with as few words as possible so there is no misunderstanding. Bad news is worse if you drag it on trying to get there carefully without hurting the other person. The sooner you give them the clear facts, the sooner they start on the road to healing.

If they get angry or sad, validate their right to feel that way

Don't try to talk to the other person out of their feelings; they are always right about how they feel. Say things like, "I totally understand why you feel this way." Tell them you are sorry but the conversation has to be over now. Don't allow them to drag out this part of being upset with you. You will actually help them start healing faster if you rip off the bandage and then give them space.

Give them closure

If you know this person isn't for you, then don't say you want to "take a break" or see where you both are in a few months. Care about them enough to walk away cleanly so they can start healing and getting over you. You cannot be part of their support system after the break-up. They need you to walk cleanly away and let other friends and family support them through it.

Allow them to vent a little

Allowing the other person to vent their feelings shows you care. If they have things to say to you or about you after you deliver the bad news, be willing to listen without getting defensive. They may lash out verbally as a way to make themselves feel better. This is them projecting their pain, and it would be best if you could listen to it while not getting upset or absorbing it. Allow them to vent a little and say again, "I understand why you feel that way." Validate their right to their feelings and then end the conversation.

What if they try to change your mind?

If the other person tried to change your mind, be willing to listen and validate their feelings but let them know that there is no changing this. Be clear, direct and honest. You are doing them a favor by staying strong because it puts them on the path to healing sooner.

It is never fun being the bearer of bad news and making other people feel bad, but it is part of life and we all play this role from time to time. Remember that it's not you making the person feel bad, it's the reality of this part of their perfect classroom journey. This experience is a perfect lesson for both of you in trust and love.

You can do this.

This was first published on ksl.com

Question:

I have been dating a guy for about seven months. We have talked about marriage but are not sure if we are ready. I have some concerns about how critical of each other we both are. He is critical of my clothes, car, cleanliness. I am critical of his schedule and how he doesn’t make time for me. I want to make the relationship works after all the time I have invested into it, but my feeling is that if we are critical of each other now, does that reflect a mismatch of values and perhaps mean it is time to move on? So my question is, how hard should you have to work on a dating relationship to make it work and when is it time to move on?

Answer:

I love this question, but I am going to break it down into the three smaller questions that will make the answer easier to understand.

1. Why are you both being critical of each other and what’s up with that behavior?
2. Is it a bad sign that means the relationship is wrong or doomed?
3. Should you stay together and keep working on it, or when should you move on?

As I answer each of these questions, please ponder some of the conflict behavior in your own relationship and what it means.

1. Why are you two being so critical of each other and what’s up with that behavior?

There are a few reasons this conflict might be happening. People are critical or conflict-prone because:

• It's an immature way to lift a person's own self-esteem. People tend to criticize others when they are in an unbalanced fear state and deeply afraid they aren’t good enough. One way their ego tries to fix this fear is by looking for anything and everything wrong in other people, situations or institutions around them. The more they can focus on the bad elsewhere, the better they feel about themselves. If others are "more bad," then they must be more good. This is a poor fix though that doesn’t work because, in the end, they know their negativity isn’t the best them. If the person causing conflict is afraid they aren’t good enough, they will project that fear onto you and see you as not enough. Could that be happening?
• They are fear-of-loss dominant (as I explained in last week’s article) and have a tendency to see what is wrong in every moment or situation and bring it up. This happens because they don’t feel safe in the world unless things are right. They are super observant and opinionated, and they are just really wired to be that way. Are you both (or is one of you) that way? Are you just naturally observant (and critical) of people, even if you don’t mean to be? You are not trying to be critical, you are actually trying to help make everything it’s best. It just comes across as critical to other people. Does this sound like either of you?
• You are not right for each other, and your gut is sounding alarm bells that this relationship just isn’t right. Maybe you are noticing everything that isn’t right because your gut is screaming, "This is not the right relationship for you!" One or both of you might be getting that message. Sometimes the one person who is getting that signal is the one meant to listen and end this relationship, while the other is meant to experience being left. There are interesting lessons in both experiences. Could that be happening?

Sit and think about each of those options and see if any of them feel accurate about yourself first. Then ask yourself which might be true of your partner. The truth is there, and you will see it if you pose the questions and sit with it for a while. Your inner GPS (your guidance system that always leads to your perfect classroom) always knows the answer.

2. Is it a bad sign that means the relationship is wrong or doomed?

Criticizing one another does not necessarily mean the relationship won’t work, will be too hard, or isn’t right. But there are three things it could mean and, again, you will have to listen to your inner GPS to know which is happening in your case.

• The criticism in this relationship could be there to teach you something. You may think your primary reason for being in a relationship is to make each other happy, but you are on this planet to grow and learn — and every experience you have is here to facilitate growth. So, this relationship is in your life, because there are things you both must teach and learn from the other. The question is, is this issue (of you both being critical of each other) here to teach you guys something? Maybe you are supposed to keep working on this until you learn those lessons. That is one possibility, and that would mean you are right where you are supposed to be (for now). If this is the case for you, you might consider some professional help to make the learning go faster.
• Maybe you are a bad match. If the criticism is really getting to you and you are starting to feel like you can never be good enough for this person, it might be time to admit that you two aren't a good match. Your gut might be telling you that this wouldn’t be a healthy relationship for you.
• You both need to learn to be less critical. I guarantee you are wired differently than your partner and you have different core fears, value systems, upbringings, beliefs and hang-ups. The problem in most relationships is that we all kind of expect our partner should handle life the way we do and see things the way we see them. When they don’t, we think this needs to be fixed. But it might not need fixing at all.

You might really need to learn to love (accurately and fully) this person you decided to love. That means allowing them to be different from you and handle life differently and see the world differently. I actually believe every couple needs to work on doing this, to some degree. Most couples I work with find that a little work on seeing each other accurately and allowing room for the other's quirkiness means they can stop criticizing and let most of the conflict go.

I teach relationship dynamics for a living, and I can tell you that the perfect match for you is rarely someone just like you. You were likely drawn to this person because of their differences. See if you can love those differences, laugh at their quirkiness and stop trying to change them.

3. Should you stay together and keep working on it, or when should you move on?

You are the only one entitled to the answer to this question, but you are entitled to it. Think it out, listen to your gut and make the decision that feels right, then try on the answer for a few hours — or a few days — and see how it feels. Even though breaking up is painful, sad and hard, you will know if it’s the right thing to do.

If you cannot figure out what your gut is saying, you probably have some fear in the way. You may need some help to quiet the fears so you can hear your gut. Again, some professional relationship help can make this easier.

You can do this.

This was first published on ksl.com

Question:

You talk a lot about marriage and how to have better relationships, but do you have any advice for single people who are alone or dating? It is a pretty discouraging experience and I go through times of giving up and times where I try yet again to meet people, but it’s often hard on my self-esteem. How can I have a healthy mindset around dating and being single?

Answer:

I'm glad you asked this question because I think you're right — there are lots of people out there who are struggling to be happy and date in a healthy way. In our culture, being single sometimes comes with a stigma that you aren’t experiencing the life you should be. This can create subconscious shame and a feeling that you should be somewhere else. The problem with this thinking is it hinders your ability to accept, embrace and thrive in your life right now.

I write often about your option to choose to believe you are always right where you are supposed to be, having the perfect classroom journey for you. This mindset helps you to settle into where you are and work on thriving there in the healthiest way you can. These 10 suggestions may help increase your happiness as a single person.

As for dating, here are some tips to consider that might make it more fun and less trying:

1. Remember your value is not on the line

You may fear rejection because you think it's relative to your value. It's not. Rejection from anyone just means they aren’t part of your perfect journey and that doesn’t change your value. You are the same person whether they like you or not. You can choose to experience rejection as a self-esteem crushing experience or you can choose to see yourself as bulletproof and trust that nothing can diminish you. You can choose to trust that your value isn’t on the line and, therefore, there is nothing to fear. This may make dating much less stressful.

2. Remember what other people think of you doesn’t matter

You are the same you with the same value as everyone else, no matter what anyone else may think. Their opinions can’t diminish you in any way unless you let them. You must not give this destructive fear any power.

3. See your life as a classroom, not a testing center

You are here to learn and grow. Every experience is a lesson, not a test. Your value as an irreplaceable, unique human soul never changes. Every dating experience is serving you with perfect lessons which can serve your life and teach you things. Every person you meet is there to show you something about yourself and help you grow. Most of these teachers may not stay in your life long. Practice being grateful for each lesson, no matter how it shows up.

4. If a person is the right one for you, they will like you no matter what you do.

If they aren’t the right one, then it won’t work out. This will leave you open for the right one. Either way, you are fine. Remember there is nothing more than this on the line.

5. There is a right person for you out there

You will meet this person right on time. This person will like the real you and you will not have to impress this person. They will like you even if you make a fool of yourself. You cannot mess this one up because it is meant to happen. If someone is the wrong person for you, then you can’t make it work no matter how "perfect" you are. It won’t work because it’s not supposed to work. Either way, you are fine. Do not attach any drama or emotion to whether a person likes you or not.

6. There is nothing to fear

You can go out, meet people and socialize without any fear whatsoever. You can do this because you accurately understand who you are and the nature of your life journey. If your value isn’t on the line and the right person will find you when they're supposed to, then you can just relax, have fun and look for opportunities to be kind to other people. Start focusing on giving, loving and edifying others, instead of worrying about yourself. You will be happier.

When you choose to focus on other people and making friends (and you stop worrying about your fears), it can become a fun and uplifting experience. Choose to believe you are right where you are supposed to be right now and that learning to thrive here is your No. 1 job. Seeing it this way will make you feel better.

You can do this 

Coach Kimberly Giles is a sought after Life Coach, speaker and corporate trainer. Visit www.claritypointcoaching.com and click on resources to get a free worksheet on fearless dating.

Question:

"I am a 29-year-old single man, living in Utah with no family and I am often lonely. I adopted a dog three years ago and she has helped me tremendously, but still at times I get down. What advice can you give to those that are looking to be able to enjoy life to the fullest without yearning to be in a relationship? What could I do to live a more mentally healthy life and turn off the empty feeling that without a relationship, my life isn’t good enough? I see your advice tends to be more towards couples, but I hope to hear your take on this."

Answer:

The idea your life isn’t complete without a relationship is just belief. Even if your religion emphasizes marriage, the truth is that many people, besides you, don’t have families and are undertaking a solo journey.

There is no universal law that states "Happiness can only happen in a relationship and being by yourself is lonely or sad." That is not truth — it’s just a belief.

How you feel about every situation in your life is dependent on your beliefs and perspectives about it. You can tell yourself that being single is sad and be depressed every day, or you can tell yourself another story. You can choose a story that focuses on the upsides to the solo journey — and there are many.

There are pros and cons to being in a relationship, and there are pros and cons to being single. One is not necessarily better, easier or worse than the other.

You could choose a story about how wonderful it is to have freedom and time to take care of yourself and do things you like to do. You can always choose to focus on the positives. You could also choose to believe you have the exact same value as every other human being on the planet, in a relationship or out.

One life outlook can make you miserable and one can make you feel better. How do you want to live?

Here are 10 other ways to increase your happiness as a single person:

1. Stay away from media that depicts happy couples, families, romance and relationships and shows they all as blissful. It’s not reality. Being in a relationship is just as hard (or harder) than being alone. It just has a different set of challenges. Be realistic about how challenging relationships can be and appreciate the good parts of having some freedom and alone time.

2. Remember you aren’t really ever alone. There are people all around you. You may not have a romantic partner, but you have friends, co-workers, family and other humans you could put effort into spending time with. Make more friends and build your circle of support.

3. Start a bucket list. But don’t stop with 10 things. Write a list of at least 150 things you would like to do, see, learn, eat or experience before you die. With a list that long you will have to get started today making your life full, interesting and fulfilling.

4. Plan trips and travel alone or invite friends to join you. Getting out and seeing the world enriches your life in ways a stable relationship never could. One isn’t better or worse they are just different.

5. Join meet up groups and take classes. Learn new things, make new friends and take on passion projects or service opportunities.

6. Get more exercise. I often ask clients to imagine their family disappeared and they were all alone in the world, what would they be doing with their time. On the top of everyone’s list is more exercise. Those are the things you need to be doing now. Spend all the time you would be putting into a relationship, taking care of yourself.

7. Eat better, be healthy and make self-care a priority. Did you know singles are more likely to be fit and healthy than people in relationships? They eat better and get more exercise. One study showed singles gained an average of 14 or more pounds when they started a relationship and singles get more sleep too.

8. Focus on what you do have. Practice gratitude daily. See the magic and beauty in the small things of life.

9. Work on your home space and make it your own. Decorate and create a space where you love to be.

10. Remember that nothing lasts forever. Every chapter of your life changes eventually. When life is dark you can count on it — the next light chapter is coming because nothing lasts.

Claim your power to choose your attitude moment by moment each day. Choose joy, choose to focus on the good in your life and count the small blessings. Even if it means choosing joy for just five minutes at a time.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles and Nicole Cunningham are the human behavior experts behind www.12.shapes.com. They host a weekly Relationship Radio show

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

I am going through a divorce and it’s really depressing to be here over Christmas. I haven’t even had it in me to put up the tree. It’s the worst time of year to feel alone. Do you have any advice for how to make this a Merry Holiday when I’m lonely?

Answer:

That is a hard situation to be in, but you must decide now if you are going to give into the sadness story or reject that thinking and choose to focus on the positive. You may have to make this choice every five minutes, as the sadness might creep back in, but you can do it and it gets easier with practice. Here are fourteen ways you can make your holiday season easier to get through.

1. Focus on what you do have — not what you don’t have.

How you feel is directly tied to how you're thinking about your situation. Focus on gratitude for everything you have every day. Take some time and write them in a journal each day if necessary.

2. Focus on self-care. 

All that time and energy you would be spending on someone else, you can now spend on loving and caring for yourself. Take advantage of this and treat yourself extra good. Take bubble baths, get massages, buy great lotions and some fresh clothes (use the money you would have spent on presents for a significant other).

3. Don’t create a story around loss or victimhood.

And don’t dwell on the fact that you don’t have anyone to kiss under the mistletoe. That depressing storyline is an attitude option, but it’s not your only choice. You could choose to feel whole, happy and fulfilled. You really can. The one thing you always have power over is your thoughts. Think happy, whole, fulfilled thoughts about how great your life is. If negative story comes in, thank it for showing up with an opinion, but no, thank you.

4. Plan activities with family and friends.

Don’t sit home. Plan things you want to do and invite people to join you. Schedule in all your down time with activities you enjoy.

5. Do service.

When you focus on others, you forget about your problems. There are lots of wonderful places to volunteer and donate time around the holidays or you might pick a cause to work or gather donations or gifts for them.

6. Make sure you get lots of exercise, eat well and sleep.

These three things help all of us have more balanced mental and emotional health. If you feel down, go for a walk, get outside and move, or make yourself a healthy meal. These are important areas of self-care that make a huge difference in how you feel about yourself and life.

7. Get a great book to read over the holidays.

Getting lost in a wonderful adventure or interesting storyline, keeps you from dwelling on your own life too much.

8. If family gatherings help you, then go. 

But if they make you feel worse, don’t go. Don’t attend anything from obligation.

Instead, go out with upbeat friends or plan a party and invite everyone (who has nowhere to go or feels awkward) to join you. Some people call these “A Misfit Toys party”, but we would rather think of them as “Celebrate your perfect classroom even if it’s nonconventional parties”.

9. Create brand new traditions.

If the old ones don’t work right now, don’t create a sad story around that. Decide to create new interesting traditions and decide they will be just as good, just different.

10. Limit the alcohol.

Even though it can numb sad feelings, in the end it will leave you feeling more depressed. Eating healthy and working out would serve you more. Plan fun activities and get high on life, being with friends or having adventures.

11. When the inevitable questions begin about what you’re doing and are you dating, have a response ready that is positive and happy.

You might say you have decided to focus on loving yourself right now and it’s been really good for you. Or have a joke planned and then quickly start asking questions about them and keep them talking as long as possible. If you keep the focus off your life completely by asking questions about everyone else, the parties will be easier.

12. Buy yourself some awesome presents that are just what you wanted.

Get out of town. Sometimes the best way to handle the holidays is to plan a trip and skip the whole thing all together. Go on a fun adventure, a cruise or trip and focus on pampering yourself while you’re there.

13. If tears come, let yourself have a limited amount of time to cry it out.

Cry really good and loud and let all the pain out. You will be amazed at how much better you feel.

14. Watch funny movies, comedians or YouTube videos.

Laugh as much as possible! This really helps you stay upbeat, especially after that good cry.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles and Nicole Cunningham are relationship and human behavior experts, authors and speakers. They host Relationship Radio every Thursday on VoiceAmerica.com Empowerment Channel.

This was first published on ksl.com

Question:

I've met a guy who I am crazy about and we have been on two dates. I don't expect a third date because I haven't heard from him since. How can I truly find a way to recognize my value in the face of rejection? Do I just continue to trust the classroom and hope eventually I find a fulfilling and meaningful relationship? Any advice you can give me would be gratefully received. Could you write about how your techniques can specifically be applied to dating? I'm sure there are enough single readers out there who would benefit.

Answer:

Dating is a fear-inducing experience, and rejection is an unavoidable part of the experience. Constant rejection can be hard on your self-worth and create discouragement and disappointment about life in general. (I know this because I was a single adult myself only five years ago.)

There is no other activity, except maybe looking for a job or selling something, that brings as many opportunities to experience our two deepest darkest fears: the fear of failure — the fear that we might not be good enough; and the fear of loss — the fear that our life won’t be good enough.

The good news is you can lessen these fears and actually enjoy dating and meeting people. Dating doesn’t have to be scary or painful if you can change the way you see yourself and life, and adopt a more fearless mindset. Making this change starts by understanding two inaccurate perceptions about yourself and life that create our fear. Let me explain both of them and how to change them.

1. You think your value as a human being can change. You fear rejection because you think — at the subconscious level — that what other people think of you affects your value as a person. This means if they don’t like you, you must not have much value. You also subconsciously think your value is based on things like your appearance, performance and property. This makes you compare yourself to others and feel constantly afraid you aren’t quite good enough. But this idea is only belief or perspective; it isn't truth.

You can change your perspective and adopt another idea as truth instead. This new mindset will make you feel better about yourself and help you create better relationships. The mindset I recommend says, your value as a human being is unchangeable, infinite and absolute. It is not based on your appearance, performance or property and is not affected by what anyone thinks of you. You also have the same intrinsic value as every other soul on the planet and this value never ever changes for any of us.

Adopting this mindset would mean just because a few people aren’t interested in dating you doesn’t change your value as a person and it doesn't diminish your life in any way. You are the same good person on your right journey through life whether they like you or not.

You can choose to let rejection crush your self-esteem if you want to, but you don’t have to. You can choose to see yourself as bulletproof and trust that no person and no experience can diminish you. You can choose to trust that your value isn’t on the line and therefore, there is nothing to fear.

You can experience rejection as nothing more than a sign that that person wasn’t the right one for you and it doesn’t matter which one of you realized that first. The truth is still the same: this person is the wrong one. And, you really don’t want a relationship with the wrong person anyway, so you aren’t losing anything. You are fine without the wrong person in your life.

This will take some practice to adopt, but it will change how you feel.

2. You think your life journey can be ruined or thrown off track. This is the second inaccurate belief causing you trouble. You subconsciously believe that life is chaotic, random and meaningless and that other people can literally ruin your journey or make it less than it “should” be.

Again, this is just a belief, idea or perspective; it isn’t truth. You could choose to believe you are on the planet to learn and grow, life is a classroom and the universe is a wise teacher that works with your agency to cocreate with you the perfect classroom for you. If you trusted the universe like this, you would believe it’s literally conspiring to bless, educate and improve you with every experience that happens. Every experience you have is here to serve your growth. Everything has meaning and is here for a reason — at least this is a perspective option you could choose if you want to.

This mindset would mean that if a relationship with a specific person is your perfect classroom right now that relationship will happen. If it’s not your perfect classroom it won’t happen and either way your journey will be the right one for you that will most help you to learn and grow best. If you are single right now there is a reason for that. If you are married it’s because that classroom serves you most right now. That is the reason all things happen.

Every experience is a lesson and your value — as an irreplaceable, incomparable, unique human soul — never changes. Every dating experience serves you with perfect lessons that bless your life and teach you things, but none of them affect your value.

You are going to need to internalize these principles though, so they can change how you feel about every aspect of the dating adventure. I have a Fearless Dating Reading Assignment you can download from my website, and I recommend you do it and read it three times a day. Or you can record yourself reading it on your phone and listen to it three times a day. If you want to really supercharge it, have some classical music playing in the background.

Then, the more you consciously choose to trust that your value isn’t changeable and your journey is always safe, perfect and right on track, choosing to see everything as a lesson, the more confident and happy you will become. This will also make you more and more attractive to others.

Choose to stay optimistic that the right person is coming your way and will arrive right on time when it will serve you most. Until then, be happy in the here and now. Buddha said, “It is your resistance to what is, that causes your suffering.”

Embrace “what is” (your current situation) as your perfect experience right now and have fun there. This will also draw people toward you and make your life more fulfilling.

Also, as much as you can choose to focus on edifying others, encouraging and lifting them and making friends — and stop worrying about yourself and your fears — this will also help with your fear.

I know dating can be discouraging and disappointing, but every day you get to choose if you will focus on what’s wrong and feel lonely and depressed, or count your blessing, trust the universe and make today fun and happy. Focus on gratitude and choose happy!

You can do this. 

Question:

I have been divorced for 21 years and I am not sure how to date anymore. I gave up dating to raise my kids. What do I do to put myself out there and start dating again? It’s a terrifying idea and I could use some advice. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone.

Answer:

Dating only feels scary because you lack confidence, but you can gain confidence through changing your mindset around the whole thing.

I know how to do this because I’ve been in your shoes. I was lost in the single’s scene only three years ago. The whole things was outside my comfort zone and I was leery about rejection, which is an unavoidable part of the experience. I wasn’t sure my self-esteem could handle it.

Almost everyone experiences these kinds of fears around dating. There is no other activity (except maybe looking for a job or selling something) that brings as many opportunities to experience your deepest darkest fear — that you might not be good enough.

The good news is, you can overcome this fear. Dating doesn’t have to be scary or painful at all. When you change the way you see yourself, the whole experience will change dramatically.

You probably have two inaccurate perceptions about yourself that must be corrected right now:

1. You think your value is on the line. You fear rejection because you think it means something relative to your value. It doesn’t.

Just because a few people aren’t interested in dating you doesn’t change your value. You are the same good person whether they like you or not. You can choose to experience rejection as a self-esteem crushing experience if you want to, but you don’t have to. You can choose to see yourself as bulletproof and trust that nothing can diminish you. You can choose to trust that your value isn’t on the line and, therefore, there is nothing to fear.

2. You think what other people think of you matters. It doesn’t. You are the same you no matter what anyone else thinks. Their opinions can’t change you or diminish you in any way, unless you let them. You must not give this destructive fear any power over you anymore.

When you can see these two things clearly you will have a healthier mindset for dating. Review the following points often (like, every day) to maintain a clear, accurate mindset:

Clarity mindset for dating

1. I know who I am and where my value comes from. My value comes from the fact that I am a unique, irreplaceable, incomparable, one-of-a-kind, amazing soul. My value is, therefore, infinite and absolute. Nothing I do (or don’t do) can change it. Nothing anyone else thinks can change it. I am bulletproof, and no one can diminish me. Because my value isn't on the line, there is really nothing to fear.
2. My life is a classroom, not a testing center. I am here to learn and grow. Every experience is a lesson (not a test) and my value (as an irreplaceable, incomparable, unique human soul) never changes. This dating experience is serving me with perfect lessons which bless my life and teach me things. Every person I meet is there to show me something about myself and help me grow. Most of these teachers don't stay in my life long. I choose to be grateful for each lesson.
3. What other people think doesn’t affect me. If this person likes me, then they are supposed to like me. If they don’t like me, they aren’t supposed to like me. I’m OK (the same good person) either way. I will choose to experience each situation in trust and love.
4. If a person is the right one for me, they will like me no matter what I do. If they aren’t the right one (or are only meant to date me for a while, to facilitate a lesson) then it won’t work out, which will leave me open for the right one. Either way, I am fine.
5. There is a right person (for me) out there. I will meet this person when I am supposed to meet them. This person will like the real, authentic me. I will not have to impress this person. I cannot mess this up. They will like me even if I do dumb things or make a fool of myself. I cannot mess this one up because it is meant to happen. If someone is the wrong person for me, then I can’t make it work no matter how perfect I am. It won’t work because it’s not supposed to work. Either way, I’m fine. I will attach no drama, emotion or fear to whether a person likes me or not.
6. There is nothing to fear. I can go to dances, meet people and socialize without any fear whatsoever. I can do this because I understand (accurately) who I am and the nature of life. If my value isn’t on the line and the right person will find me when they are supposed to, then I can just relax, have fun and look for opportunities to be kind to other people. When I escape my fears I can start giving, loving and edifying others. In doing this, I will discover who I really am.
7. Sometimes another person will like me more than I like them. I will kindly tell them that they just aren’t “the one” for me. I will do this honestly and kindly. I will not attach fear around this experience or feel guilty for it. The universe has brought this perfect experience to both of us. This person will process through their disappointment and learn something from it. I must let them experience this however they choose to.

Going outside your comfort zone is uncomfortable, but it is the only way you can grow. I encourage you to work on a healthier mindset, then get ready to stretch. Wonderful experiences will come from it.

I asked my husband why he was attracted to me when we first met at a single adult activity. He said my confidence is what set me apart. Confidence (a lack of fear) is very attractive. If you show up this way you will experience less rejection.

When you choose to focus on edifying others and making friends (and you stop worrying about yourself and your fears), it will become a fun and uplifting experience.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of Claritypoint Life Coaching. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing self-esteem. Listen to her Self Esteem CPR Workshop at www.claritypointcoaching.com