This was first published on KSL.COM

Question:

My wife seems to love our children a lot more than she likes me. She isn’t enthusiastic about intimacy either, and this is a great disappointment to me. Because I don’t feel loved, I find myself frustrated and even angry towards her. I know I hurt her feelings sometimes, but I’m not happy, and this isn’t the marriage I wanted. Having said that, I also don’t want to leave. I want to keep my family together. I am trying to forgive and love her as she is, but it is hard. How am I supposed to deal with this? Is there any way to encourage her to change?

Answer:

It sounds like what you want is to feel more important, loved and wanted by your wife. The trick to making this happen is to get rid of disappointment. I know it sounds illogical, but your disappointment can be relationship poison that does further damage and infuses your relationship with fear (of failure and loss).

The truth is we are all disappointed in our spouses at some level, because no one is perfect and anyone you marry is going to have some faults and flaws. There is a down side to being married to everyone, even you. When you become frustrated with your spouse’s flaws they feel this and subconsciously pull away from you to protect themselves.

This happens because all of us are battling two core fears every day, which cause most of our pain and bad behavior. The first is a fear of failure (the fear that we aren’t good enough) and this is our deepest and most painful fear, but fear of loss (the fear of missing out, being robbed or mistreated) is also painful and scary.

When you or your spouse experience either of these fears, you end up in a selfish space where your focus is primarily on yourself and getting what you need. In this space you are literally incapable of love. You can’t do fear and love at the same time.

I would guess you are both living in fear and therefore not giving enough love to the other. Your wife is probably afraid she isn’t good enough (most women are) which could make her less comfortable with intimacy. Her disinterest in spending time with you triggers your fear of loss. When you feel loss you then act disappointed in her, which makes her feel like a failure even more. This can become a vicious cycle and suck the love from the relationship.

This is fixable, but it is going to require a shift in your perspective, some forgiveness and a commitment to being more loving and validating than you ever have before. Here are some things you can do to create more positive feelings, less fear and less disappointment in your marriage:

1. Allow your emotions in and sit with them. Take some time to experience the disappointment you are feeling. You may want to journal about your feelings so you have a chance to express them without further hurting your spouse. What expectation did you have that is causing your greatest pain?

2. Ask yourself, "Are these emotions going to create what I want?" What is it going to create if you keep telling yourself this story of disappointment and continue to feel anger and resentment toward your spouse? Is this going to motivate your spouse to give you what you want?

The answer is no, it won’t. Holding onto feelings of disappointment toward your spouse will only trigger more fear of failure in your spouse, which will actually make her less loving toward you. Fear, sadness, self-pity, begging, blaming, nagging and sulking do not create loving feelings. These are fear and lack behaviors, which only create more fear and lack.

If you want more love you have to give love, encouragement, praise, appreciation, admiration, respect and kindness. These create more love.

3. Ask yourself, "How can I create what I want?" We recommend you try the encouragement approach and shower your spouse with appreciation, respect, admiration and praise. Instead of focusing on your disappointment, write on paper all the good things about her and who she can be and choose to focus on those. The opposite of disappointment is gratitude. Show your spouse you are grateful to have her in your life and mean it!

We have found that when a person feels greatly loved, appreciated, admired and wanted, they become a lot more giving back. Tell her how lucky you are to be married to her and make sure you are not being loving with strings attached. You cannot expect anything back. You must build her up and give to her because you are working on becoming a more loving person, not just to get what you want. If you will consistently show up for her and give more, it should start to change how she feels about you.

(If you try these things for a long time and still get nothing back, you may then decide this relationship isn’t working for you. But don’t throw in the towel until you have done your part to give love, to the best of your ability first.)

4. Never cast your spouse as the bad one. It is human nature to want to see others as worse than us. We subconsciously do this because casting anyone else as the bad one makes us feel like the good one, but this is rarely accurate. And all human beings have the same infinite, intrinsic worth and deserve to be treated and respected as your equal. You must also remember that though you may not have the same flaws as your spouse, you do have flaws. Committing to see your spouse as the same as you, especially during conversations with her, will make her feel safer and less defensive. Admit when you are wrong, apologize often and let your spouse see your heart is soft, teachable and open. This will create a safer space for her to do the same.

Seeing her as the bad one will not make her want more intimacy either. We like and are drawn to the people who like us. Show her she is wanted, admired and liked, and she will grow more and more fond of you again.

5. Trust that your life is the perfect classroom for you. You are here to learn and grow, and your marriage is the class that will teach you the most important lessons on love. We always marry our greatest teacher (for better or worse) we sign up for this class. This person is going to help you grow by pushing your buttons, triggering your fears and thus help you to stretch and become stronger, wiser and more loving. That is the real purpose of this relationship. (I know this because it's the purpose of our whole journey.)

So, figure out and focus on the lessons your unique marriage experience (with your spouse) could be meant to teach you. This is your opportunity to grow in love, strength and wisdom. Marriage is hard because you get to see the very worst of another person, and they get to experience the worst of you, yet you both must learn to forgive and accept each other anyway. This is a challenge, but you are meant to conquer it. You can do this.

The more you accept this person and this situation as your perfect classroom and focus on improving you, the better the relationship will be. Once you have created a more safe and loving space in your marriage, you can then communicate with your spouse about what you want to change. You should ask her what you can do better to make her happier and then share what you would really appreciate in the future from her. Just don't have these conversations while in fear and judgment. Communicate only when you are firmly grounded in trust and love.

Get a free worksheet to help you process disappointment or take the free fear assessment and start working on your fear issues here. 

You can do this.

Kimberly Giles is the CEO of claritypointcoaching.com and an expert in simple psychology. Kristena Eden is a Claritypoint certified coach who works with couples and families. 

(loved this - just wanted to share it.)

​A Tandem Ride With God
I used to think of God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited heaven or hell when I die. He was out there, sort of like a president. I recognized His picture when I saw it, but I didn't really know Him.
But later on, when I met Jesus, it seemed as though life was rather like a bike, but it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that Jesus was in the back helping me pedal. I didn't know just when it was He suggested we change, but life has not been the same since I took the back-seat to Jesus, my Lord. He makes life exciting. When I had control, I thought I knew the way. It was rather boring, but predictable. It was the shortest distance between two points.
But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and through rocky places and at break-through speeds; it was all I could do to hang on! Even though it often looked like madness, He said, "Pedal!" I was worried and anxious and asked, "Where are you taking me?" He laughed and didn't answer and I started to learn to trust. I forgot my boring life and entered into adventure. And when I'd say, "I'm scared", He'd lean back and touch my hand.
He took me to people with gifts that I needed, gifts of healing, acceptance and joy. They gave me their gifts to take on my journey, our journey, my Lord's and mine. And we were off again. He said, "Give the gifts away; they're extra baggage, too much weight." So I did, to the people we met, and I found in giving I received, and still our burden was light.
I did not trust Him, at first, in control of my life. I thought He'd wreck it, but He knows bike secrets, knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners, jump to clear high rocks, fly to shorten scary passages. And I am learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places, and I'm beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant companion, Jesus.
And when I'm sure I just can't do any more, He just smiles and says... "Pedal."
(Author unknown)

This was first published on KSL.COM

Question:

Our son was raised in the LDS faith and he has chosen to go the other direction and be in a same-sex relationship. What can we do as parents in this situation? He has gone so far as to take his name off the records of the church. Can you tell us how to help?

Answer:

There are some ideas, perspectives and tips, which may help you to experience less fear and more peace around this situation.

1) Work on your fears of failure and loss. You must work on eliminating your fears, because fear makes you selfish and incapable of love and love is the path to peace in this situation. The following points should help you experience less fear and clearly see what a love based approach could look like.

2) Remember human value is infinite and absolute. We are all irreplaceable, one-of-a-kind, infinitely and absolutely valued, divine, children of God — all of us — without exception. We all have the exact same intrinsic worth as everyone else, no matter our beliefs, religion, race, sexual orientation or anything else. This means that your child and his life and choices don’t affect your value or his. You are not a failure and have no reason to experience shame about this. Everything that happens is just a lesson on love, but none of the lessons diminish your value. If you remember this idea you will have less fear of failure (fear that you aren’t good enough).

3) The real point and purpose for our being on this planet is to learn love at a deeper level. Everything God has inspired, created or allowed to be created here is here is meant to teach you, grow you and stretch you past your comfort zone, expanding the limits of your love. God created this universe and all the people in it with many interesting differences (including race, religion, culture, ideology, sexual orientation). Everyone on the planet is here (in the classroom of life) to both learn to love and to teach love. Situations like yours challenge you to stretch beyond the limits of your previous loving abilities, they help you learn love at whole new level.

If you trust the process of your life and see everything as a lesson, you will have less fear of loss. You will accept your journey as your perfect classroom and not resist this experience as much. If you embrace the lesson as a beautiful opportunity to grow, you will find peace.

4) Whatever you do, don’t let fear divide you or push you away from your child. Make sure your love is bigger than your fear. God created all of us the way we are for a reason. Your job (with this now adult child) is to love, be compassionate, open, accepting and kind. This means embracing your son and his partner too, like you would any other child in your home. Spend the same amount of time with them, listen to them, care about them and don’t let the differences get in the way.

If you have trouble with this and your fears of failure or loss overpower you, I highly recommend working with a coach or counselor, who can help you reframe and lessen your fears.

5) Remember love means respect. You can’t have real love without it. When someone has different beliefs than yours, respect means treating them the same way you would treat someone who agrees with you. You must honor their right to believe what they believe and respect their own path to goodness and God.

6) Love means caring for their needs and happiness as much as you care about your own. What your child needs right now is acceptance, support, validation of his worth, and reassurance. Giving him these must be a priority over his meeting your expectations. Trust God that all will be fine in the end, and if it’s not fine - it’s not the end. Trust that the God you believe in is loving and full of grace, wisdom and forgiveness. Trust you have nothing to fear because God is the author of everything.

7) Give up your need to be right. If you insist on taking the stand that your path is right and his is wrong, you will not leave space for a good relationship. You can believe that you are right in your mind — but you must focus outwardly on the beautiful, loving, kind, compassionate, hard working (or whatever other virtues your child has) person your child is. Remember that though he is rejecting your religion, he is not rejecting goodness, love or light. Just because he isn’t on your religion’s definition of the right path, he is still a loving, kind, giving person whom God loves every bit as much as he loves you.

The bottom line is you must lose your fears through trust and love, and make sure your child feels respected, admired, appreciated and wanted every day. If you do this you will also like yourself better too. I promise it will feel right.

Love without condition, listen without intention and care without expectation. This is the way to peace.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

This was first published on KSL.COM

Question:

Our daughter recently told us that she no longer believes in God and hasn't for a long time. This came as devastating news to us. Although we were aware that she hadn't been attending church, we thought she was still a believer. I have read your article on When your child rejects your religion every day since and it has been helpful, but I am still finding myself having moments of great sadness, anger, and even panic. Your advice makes sense in my head but my heart is broken. I would like to understand how she came to this conclusion but don't want to put her on the defensive. The result is, I don't contact her as much, because I'm concerned my emotions will spill out. I am praying for her many times a day, as well as for the rest of our family. Any additional advice would be appreciated.

Answer:

If you are still experiencing sadness, anger and panic, are pulling back and even struggling to spend time with your daughter — you are still coming from fear, not love. I understand why this situation is triggering this fear of loss and failure in you. I really do, but those emotions aren't doing you or your child any good and they may make the situation worse.

In the other article on this I explained why unconditional love is the answer when a loved one rejects your religion. The problem is that as long as you are entrenched in fear, you aren’t capable of love.

If you can’t change your perspective and get out of fear, your child is going to see you and your religion as unloving. It isn't and you know that you're scared because you love her so much, but your fear energy could make her pull even farther away. You cannot let your fear be bigger than your love.

You have to get you more fully in trust about this situation (and out of fear) so you are capable of showing up with real love, peace and acceptance towards your daughter. I encourage you to read and practice trusting the following idea every day for a while:

I am not a failure and neither is my loved one. We are here on this planet to experience all kinds of interesting and painful experiences so we can learn and grow, but at no time is our value on the line because life is a classroom, not a test. This means our value is infinite and absolute. It cannot change no matter what we do. None of us have anything to fear. My loved one may sign themselves up for some interesting lessons here, ones I would rather not have them learn. That is not about me. They are choosing their journey and they will find their way through it and in the end it will be OK. I trust their value and mine is secure and that this is the perfect classroom journey for both of us. I choose to trust God, there is nothing to fear, and every experience here is a lesson. I choose to let God's love fill me up every day so I can share his unconditional love with others. I choose to shine with pure love every day. I have the power to do this because there is nothing to fear.

(If you want to understand more about why life is a classroom not a test, read this article from December.)

Trusting these truths will show your loved one that your religion and your God are based in love. The God you believe in provided a way for all to return safely. He loves us all. Being fearless about this will show her that your faith in God’s goodness, your love for her and your strength are all bigger than your fear. This will earn her respect for you and make her see your religious beliefs as beautiful and inviting. Love is much more attractive than fear.

I also have a worksheet for frustrated parents on my website that might also help you with this situation. I encourage you to get it. It will ask you to identify your fear issues (that are really behind you being so upset about your child). You had fear issues about failure or loss (before this) and this situation with your child has just triggered them. This situation is therefore as much your lesson as it is hers. This is your chance to learn how to overcome fear and become stronger, more faithful and more loving.

So, instead of trying to fix your child, work on you. Trust God more and choose to act from love and fully accept her as she is, even being proud of her and never say anything negative, critical or guilt-producing. You can do this. You are a child of God (a being who is the essence of perfect love). You have the love inside you to overcome fear.

The worksheet will also ask “What does your child need right now?” The answer is your strength, faith, acceptance and love. She needs you to be strong enough to set your needs aside. (Your needs for her to fulfill your wishes, expectations and believe what you believe.) She needs to know you can let go of your needs and show up for her.

Spend time with her and (the entire time) keep choosing to trust there is nothing to fear. Spend every minute you have with her building her up. Look for the highest and best qualities in her, and tell her what you see. Focus on her goodness as a person and let her know you are proud of her. This is putting love first.

You can do this.

“Don’t speak to me about your religion; first show it to me in how you treat other people. Don't tell me how much you love your God; show me in how much you love all His children. Don't preach to me your passion for your faith; teach me through your compassion for your neighbors. In the end, I'm not as interested in what you have to tell or sell or preach or teach, as I am in how you choose to live and give." — Cory Booker 

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

This was first published on KSL.COM
Question:

I have a co-worker I’m worried about. She is really down after some major setbacks in her life and she is joking about death in a way that makes me worried she might kill herself. I try to be friendly and supportive, but I don’t know what I should say or do. I can’t find the right words and I don’t want to overstep or offend her. What should I do?

Answer:

There are 117 people who die by suicide every day in our country. In Utah, we lose one person every 15 hours, and the truth is that almost everyone goes through a time in their life when they think about ending it. This means, it is highly likely there is someone around you right now who is at risk for suicide. If we all understood the signs and how to respond, we could make a meaningful difference.

Research indicates that 80 percent of suicidal people make their intentions known to others beforehand and hope someone will reach out and help. These signals may include making a joke or off-hand comment about suicide. If you pick up on any unusual comment or behavior, you must act on it using the steps below.

You may also want to share this article with friends and family because it would make a huge difference if everyone was educated about what to do if you suspect suicide. This is as important as knowing CPR or any other first aid skill because it can save lives.

Here are some simple steps for what to do if you suspect suicide, from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention:

1. Know the warning signs. People who are thinking of suicide often leave clues. They might say things like “I can’t do this anymore” or “this just isn’t worth it” but more often the signs are subtle. There may be sudden changes in behavior, losing interest in things they used to care about, giving things away or shutting down. People who are going through rough life experiences like mental or physical illness, divorce, bankruptcy, loss of a loved one or losing a job are also more at risk. If you know someone is going through a challenging life experience and they are acting different, pay attention and reach out to them. Listen to your intuition and consider anything that is setting off alarm bells in your head a sign to act on.
   
2. ​Ask them directly if they are having thoughts of suicide. (This is the most important thing to do.) I know it is awkward and you may have fear of offending, but do it anyway. All the research has shown that asking openly about suicide is the best thing you can do to help.  You might say something like, “People who go through challenges like yours often have thoughts of suicide, have you been there?” “You seem really down, will you be honest with me? Are you having any thoughts of killing yourself?” In order to help them, you must get the topic of suicide out in the open. Beating around the bush won’t help. Ask directly and don’t stop if they dodge the question. Once the subject is on the table. …
3. ​Ask what is going on in their life — and listen without giving your opinion or advice. Don’t try to fix what’s wrong in their life. Just ask what’s going on and let them have a safe and quiet space to talk, be heard and supported. This proves someone cares. Say things like, “Tell me more about that” or “That sounds really difficult.” At this point, they just need to know someone cares enough to be there and listen to how they feel. Don’t panic or get scared because your fear won’t help. Stay calm because you are going to involve other people to help. You are not going to handle this by yourself. Also remember that most people don’t really want to die, they just want the pain to stop. Often just talking about their feelings lessens the pain.
4. Ask about their reasons to live. Most people who are having thoughts of suicide are not 100 percent committed to dying yet. They have reasons to end their life, but they also have reasons to live. Find out if they have family members, pets, friends or spiritual beliefs they care about. Ask them to tell you more about these. Say things like, “It sounds like you may have some reasons to stay safe for now.” “Would you be open to letting me help you explore a plan to stick around for now, and find some ways to change the pain you are feeling?” “If there was a way to stop the pain and make things better, would it be worth exploring?” The idea is to focus on reasons to stay safe for now.
   
   
5. Ask directly how serious they have been about suicide, did they have a plan? Ask questions like, “Have you figured out how or when you might take your life?” This helps you to assess if there is an immediate risk. If their plan is imminent or you feel at risk, you should call 911. The Suicide Prevention Lifeline says if desire, capability and a plan are all there, the person is highly at risk. Getting a person to share their plan will lower that risk. You may also ask if they are willing to dismantle that plan and let you keep them safe for now.
   
   

1. Get lots of professional and family (if there is some) support involved as soon as possible. To keep this person safe, you must get other people involved and broaden the shoulder of responsibility. Talk to the person about whom they would be comfortable bringing in. This may include a spouse, parent, child, religious leader, counselor, doctor, friend or even emergency services.
   
   Ask if they would be willing to talk to someone at the Suicide Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 or the Crisis Text Line can be reached by texting “START” to 741-741. Even if the risk of dying isn’t imminent, it would serve them to have additional support and professionals to talk to.
   
   (I highly recommend everyone put those numbers in your cellphone so you have them if you need them.)
   
   

1. The Suicide Prevention Lifeline is there to help you too. They welcome calls from people who are worried about someone, not just those who are suicidal. They are always willing to talk you through what to do and say.
   
   

Shari Sinwelski, associate project director at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, says, “Suicide prevention is everyone’s responsibility, it’s not just for clinicians or doctors. People are less likely to go to a counselor or a doctor than they are to show warning signs to their friends or family members.”

There is always uncertainty around the decision to die by suicide, and when someone reaches out in love and support, most people respond and are open to other options for dealing with their pain. If there is someone who cares enough to reach out, there is always hope.

Please don’t ignore the signs — you truly can make a difference.

You can do this.

Read some more great information on suicide prevention on the Crisis Center Website 

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

This article was first published on ksl.com

Question:

Next week I have a job interview for my dream job and a big raise. This job would mean the world to me and my family. But I’m so scared I won’t get it and I’m sure my fear and insecurity is going to come through in the interview. I get really nervous and intimidated, which doesn't impress. Is there any advice you could give me on calming down so I can appear confident?

Answer:

You are right, fear and nervousness could sabotage your interview. When you show up scared, nervous or intimidated the other person can feel it and it's not attractive. Fear says you don’t believe in yourself and it makes other people doubt your abilities.

Here are a few tips for overcoming fear on the spot:

(These tips would also work before a big test, recital, game or performance.)

1. Do some diaphragmatic breathing. While waiting for your interview lean back in your chair, put your arms up behind your head and take big breaths feeling your chest and stomach expand big and compress again. Do this for a few minutes to calm down your parasympathetic nervous system and get yourself out of fight or flight mode. When you’re parasympathetic nervous system is driving you can’t think clearly enough for the rest of these steps to work.
   
2. Remind yourself your value as a person is not on the line. Remember that your intrinsic value doesn’t change at all, ever, so no matter the outcome of this, you will have the same value you had going into it. You have the same value as every other person on the planet too. There is nothing at risk because you are the same whether you get the job or not.
   
3. Remind yourself there is order in the universe. Life is a classroom and the universe a wise teacher who always provides you with your perfect classroom journey. If getting this job, winning this game or nailing this performance would serve you best - it will happen. If losing at this moment would serve your education and growth more - that will happen. Either way you are safe and have nothing to fear.
   
   Oprah Winfrey said, “I trust in the ebb and flow of the universe. I trust that life’s bigger than what I can see. I trust there is a divine order beyond my control and I trust no matter what happens, I will be alright.” Choose to trust the universe that it knows what it’s doing and you will have peace and calm everywhere. No matter what happens choose to trust this outcome is the universe conspiring to serve you in some way.
4. Make sure you see the interviewer (or other people involved in this moment) as the same as you.We have a tendency, as human beings, to see other people as either better than us or worse than us. In a job interview situation we tend to feel “less than” the person interviewing us. We are also intimidated because this person has power over our future. It is very important to remember all human beings have the same intrinsic value. You are equal adults, straight across and you have nothing to fear from this person, because ultimately the universe is in charge of our fate. You have nothing to fear.
5. Focus on giving instead of getting. Most people obviously approach job interviews focused on getting (the job). This is a problem because getting energy is needy, selfish and unattractive. The same thing happens in a performance when you are focused on getting the audience or other people’s approval. Performing in fear energy you will never perform at your best here. Instead, focus on other people and giving to them. In an interview you can focus on serving or giving to the company. Ask questions about their needs and how you could best be of service. Be there to give not get. In a performance or game you might focus on your love for the music or your love for the sport and just have fun playing it. When you are love motivated you always perform better and people are drawn to you. This works because love is even more attractive than confidence.​
   
6. Handle yourself like a pro. Dress professionally and own the room when you walk in. Extend your hand for a handshake and be the first to say “Hello” or “How are you?” Once seated, let the interviewer take control of the conversation. During the interview make eye contact, sit up straight and smile. Don’t fidget with your clothes or hair. These are a distraction and a sign of self consciousness. Then, just be the real you focused on giving and you will do great.

You have nothing to fear. No matter how this goes, you are a good person with the same exact value as everyone else. Don’t be afraid of rejection or what anyone thinks of you. It doesn’t mean anything and you will only lose if the loss experience would serve you. There is nothing on the line and no need to be nervous. You can walk in calm and confident.

You can do this.

(There are many more articles about overcoming fear at work on my blog.)