This was first published on ksl.com
My company just instituted policy against talking about religion at work. I am bothered by this and don’t feel comfortable being told I can’t talk about such a big part of my life and who I am at work. I’m actually feeling a little discriminated against because of my religion and because my views aren’t shared by some of my co-workers, I have to be censored. Do you think this policy is necessary or right? Are there some topics that should be banned at work?
Gallup did a study in 2015 where they found that only 32 percent of workers were engaged in their jobs and committed to their work. The study showed 51 percent were killing time and doing the bare minimum to avoid getting fired and 17 percent were totally disengaged and deserved to be fired immediately.
This means employers today are already fighting a battle for the focus and attention they are paying for. They need employees who are focused on work and not distracting others.
I do agree with the policy to limit certain conversation topics at work. There are some topics that make other people feel uncomfortable, awkward, disrespected, offended or excluded. These topics are extremely distracting and can also negatively affect corporate culture.
The office, unlike private homes or social venues, is a place where everyone is being paid for their time and attention, and because of this, it’s important to have everyone’s focus on the tasks at hand. It’s also important that everyone feels safe, respected and honored where they work. Businesses today must avoid letting divisive political views, differing religious beliefs and other hot topics divide co-workers and create conflict. These issues are already creating a divide in our country and letting this atmosphere seep into the workplace can create problems.
Here are some topics that should never be discussed at work and why:
1. Any political topic at all
Right now, there is a huge political divide in our country and tempers can flare because everyone feels passionate about their position. Discussing civil rights, Black Lives Matter, same-sex marriage, legalizing drugs, abortion, the national debt, Supreme Court nominations, vaccinations, the president, or any other topic covered on the news, can create conflict, hostility and confrontation.
Your employer is trying to create a fear-free workplace where everyone feels safe and can focus on their jobs. These topics can be volatile and distracting as they light fires in the office that are hard to put out. It would be best if your co-workers had no idea which way your political views leaned. If someone starts a political conversation or makes a comment about their personal views, let them know you prefer to keep yours personal since these conversations can be divisive.
These days, many people have strong feelings either for or against organized religion. Many are choosing to leave and not participate and they may be passionate and vocal about their beliefs, or even disrespectful. On the other hand, religious people are also passionate about their faith and consider their religion a core part of who they are. Discussing anything to do with religion can create conflict, hurt feelings and discord at work. Avoid negative comments or trying to persuade others to believe what you believe. It’s best to leave all church-based conversations to after hours.
3. Personal relationships or your dating life
If you are having troubles at home or dating drama find a friend, coach or counselor to talk to. Your co-workers are not your therapist and should not be expected to support you through your relationships. Your life outside the office, your dating life, your family, and your personal choices are best not brought to work. If you want to meet a co-worker outside the office, that’s fine, but consider keeping those personal conversations for when you are off the clock. Your employer is paying for your time and attention; honor that by not distracting coworkers with personal issues.
4. Money troubles or health problems
Again, your co-workers are not there to counsel or console you. If you are struggling, scared or sick, you may need a doctor, therapist or counselor to talk to. Your co-workers don’t need to know the details of your health or money problems. It’s not that your boss and co-workers don’t care, they do. They just can’t spend work hours talking about or being distracted by these issues. If you believe a health concern may affect your ability to do your job, discuss it with a supervisor or human resources manager to assess your options.
5. Beliefs related to new age, alternative healing
It is fine that you believe in the healing powers of certain rocks and crystals and have them on your desk, and you organize the feng shui of your office, or spend your breaks in vipassana meditation, but it’s best to avoid talking about this stuff if it distracts your co-workers while on the clock. You might ask if they would be open to hearing about your healing approach outside the office, but do not spend work hours telling them all about it.
Employers know a positive corporate culture where people feel respected and safe affect their bottom line. To create that positive corporate culture they need unity and teamwork to happen. To have unity and teamwork they need less conflict, confrontation and discord.
So, banning conversation topics that create discord makes sense. Instead of being bothered by this policy, I recommend you get on board and even think of other ways to create more unity, respect and inclusivity at work. How can you reach out to make people who are different from you feel more accepted? The employee that solves more problems than he or she creates, is the one who will rise to the top every time.
You can do this.
Kimberly Giles is the president of 12shapes.com - get the app today, take the quiz, invite friends and learn about your shape at - app.12shapes.com and improve your relationships.
This was first published on KSL.COM
I have a constant fear of failure and never being good enough or having enough value. I am a 42 year old man with a good marriage, a good job and great kids and I think about suicide daily. I wouldn’t do it because of how it would affect my kids, but I don’t know what to do or how to make changes in how I feel? How do you get to a point where you can truly believe you don’t have to earn your value and you can’t lose value (as you said in last week’s article)? How do I move beyond the fear of failure and not being good enough?
Self-development experts, therapists, thought leaders and coaches have been trying to crack that code for decades. How do you really get rid of the fear of failure and improve feeling of self-worth? They have tried positive psychology, brain washing affirmations, encouraging accomplishments, make overs, and more, but still most of us struggle with this fear on a daily basis. Some are lucky to be fear of loss dominate, which means they fear mistreatment, worry about things going wrong more than they worry about being inadequate, but even they have some fear of failure in play too.
I offer a different kind of solution, which involves changing the core foundational belief system you use to determine the value of all human beings (including yourself) that is responsible for creating your fear of failure.
You are probably not consciously aware that you have a subconscious system that determines your value, nor are you aware what that system is. So, let’s start there. You most likely picked up a belief system from your parents and the other people around you growing up. I will explain the most common four and you see if one or all of them are happening inside you. Here are the four beliefs:
1) You may have been taught life is a test - This means you must earn your value and prove yourself worthy, maybe even to determine where you go after death. You may have fear around being found good enough for the higher power you believe in and fear his/it's judgment or rejection.
2) You may have been taught your value had to be earned through your appearance, performance, property and the opinions of other people. This means that if your appearance is less attractive than other people, you therefore have less value than them. If you earn less money, lose more games, accomplish less, make less money, get lower grades, live in a smaller house or a worse neighborhood, drive a worse car, have an older phone, wear cheaper clothing, or are less popular, you again have less value. People with lots of friends have more value than those with less. Most of us were taught this belief in some way.
3) You may have been taught your value is determined by how you compare with others. So, you constantly look at where they are, how they look, and what they do, and your self-esteem goes up and down all day, every day, because it’s based on how you compare to whoever is around you at that time.
4) You may have been taught that winning and being better than others is what matters most. You might be super competitive and your subconscious ego might look for opportunities to put down or gossip about others, because it’s all about being better than them. You might be critical and judgmental of those who are different from you, because if they are different they have to be either better or worse. Your ego feels safer, obviously, if they are worse, so you constantly look for the worse in others and focus on it, because this makes you feel safer.
All of these are just ideas, theories, beliefs and perspectives. They are not truths. They are not facts. There is no provable truth about human value and how to calculate it. It’s all just perspective you choose. Many people with strong religious beliefs will disagree and say they know their perspective is truth, but they can’t prove it. So, in the end you are always choosing a belief system and making it your truth.
The good news is, this means you can choose any belief system you want, because they are all perspective. So, I would recommend choosing a system that makes you feel good about yourself and makes you feel safer in the world. Why would you consciously choose anything else
The belief system I recommend is a simple one, though making it your truth takes time and practice. It is simply the belief that all human life has the same value and that value cannot change. Here is how this new belief changes the 4 old ones:
1) Life is not a test to determine your value, it is classroom. In a classroom every experience is a lesson to educate you, but when you make mistakes you can erase and try again, without it effecting your value, like a test would. You can choose to believe repentance, apologies, starting fresh at any time is possible and you can leave the past behind you and move forward with the same value as everyone else. You can believe in a higher power that sent you here to be educated and allows you to repent and not lose your value for a mistake.
2) Your value is based on your uniqueness and your nature as a human soul, two things that never change.This means your value is not based on your appearance, performance, property, or what others think of you. This means on bad hair days you remind yourself appearance doesn’t lessen your value. When you perform badly it’s a lesson, but it doesn’t change your value. When others have nicer things than you have, that doesn’t give them more value than you. No matter what they have or how they look, they still have the same value as everyone else. It also makes you bulletproof from disapproval or criticism, because other people’s opinions can’t change your value – as long as you choose to believe this is true (which you can do if you want to!)
3) How you compare with others, is irrelevant. How they look and what they do doesn’t mean anything about you. If you start to compare yourself, you can stop and choose the truth that all humans have the same value. You have the power to do this in every moment if you want to. But the only moment you have the power of choice in, is this one right now. Fortunately, it is always this moment, so you can always choose it.
4) Giving up judgment and criticism is the path to peace. Your subconscious ego thinks criticizing and judging others and focusing on the bad in them, makes you feel better, but every time you do this you are giving power to the old belief that some humans have more value than others. If you want to feel more confident, you must absolutely give up judgment, gossip and criticism of others. This is the only way to cement the new belief, internalize it and change your self-esteem.
You asked me “How do you truly believe you don’t have to earn your value and you can’t lose value?” The answer is you change the foundational belief about the value of all humans that created the fear in the first place. You give up judgment and allow all the humans around you to have infinite, absolute value and the more you do it, you realize it counts for you too.
Then, you must practice choosing the new system every minute you are consciously aware enough to do it. You also want to teach this belief system and language to your family so everyone is on board to make the change. This should become the language in your home every time someone loses a game, drops a glass and breaks it, or comes home defeated “Well, at least it doesn’t change your value!” If anyone start judging or gossiping, remind them they are giving power to the old system and if they do that, they will always feel not good enough themselves. It takes commitment and repetition to change your foundational beliefs, but if you keep at it – it will work.
You can do this.
Kimberly Giles is the author of the 12 Shapes Relationship System - get the app today, take the quiz, invite friends and learn about your shape at - app.12shapes.com
This was first published on KSL.com
SALT LAKE CITY — Last week’s article explained why most problems are fear related and how two core fears can be responsible for most bad behavior. This article explains how those two fears can create three different dynamics in your relationships.
Before I explain the three dynamics, the two core fears and the problems they cause at their worst are:
MAKE SURE YOU TAKE THE 12 SHAPES RELATIONSHIP SURVEY AND FIND OUT YOUR SHAPE - AND INVITE FRIENDS AND FAMILY TO DO THE SAME!
CLICK HERE FOR THE APP
A fear of failure dominant person with another fear of failure dominant person
In this kind of relationship both parties might be insecure and needy for reassurance that they are loved, respected and wanted. If both parties are functioning in a fear state this could mean they are focused on getting validation and no one is giving any. When I meet with these kinds of couples they are both saying the exact same thing — they both fear being unloved and unwanted. There usually isn't much conflict in these relationships, though, because both parties hate it. Instead, they both pull away and could start living around each other like roommates. To make this kind of relationship work, both parties need to work on their own self-esteem and stop making their partner responsible for their happiness.
In a balanced trust and love state, these relationships can be wonderful, safe and reassuring, where both parties are givers and able to show up emotionally for the other.
A fear of loss dominant person with another fear of loss dominant person
In this kind of relationship, both parties need control to feel safe in the world which can cause quite a bit of conflict. They are both on the lookout for offenses and mistreatment and may think it’s there when it really isn’t. When I meet with these couples I hear them say the same thing — they feel the other party is mean, controlling or irritating. Both parties need to work on letting go of their need for control and being right to make this relationship work. They need to watch how they speak to each other and be as understanding and as flexible as possible.
In a balanced trust and love state, these relationships can reach maximum productivity. These two people can get things done and have everything working like a well-oiled machine while having mutual respect and admiration for each other. The good work that one does can make the other person feel more secure and safe in the world, curing the other's core fear.
A fear of failure dominant person with a fear of loss dominant person
This is the most common of the three — perhaps because opposites attract. In these relationships, there can be a lot of misunderstanding, resentment and disappointment because you just don’t get the other person and can’t understand why they aren't more like you.
We all subconsciously might think of our way as being the right way. It is important that you remember we all have the same value and no way of being is better or worse than the other, they are just different.
In these relationships, the fear of failure dominant person can often feel criticized and judged as the fear of loss dominant person may be prone to correcting and pointing out what isn’t right. The latter may not mean to be critical and could just be trying to help or make things better, but their comments could trigger the person with the fear of failure, causing them to detach or even feel unsafe with the other person. This could start to drive a wedge between them.
The fear of loss dominant person might feel the other pulling back and this could make them feel mistreated, which will actually bring out more criticism. This vicious cycle plays out until there is a giant wedge and deep resentment on both sides.
But it doesn't have to be this way.
In a balanced trust and love state, the fear of loss dominant person has the ability to recognize the insecurity in the other and give them reassurance that they are admired, respected and wanted.
You shouldn't, however, be responsible for your partner's self-esteem — that is their job. But you can be a safe place and that can help improve the relationship.
In a balanced trust and love state, the fear of failure dominant person also has the ability to recognize their partner's need for control and where that stems from and can offer support when needed.
The trick to getting both parties into a balanced trust and love state is working on the following beliefs, which may eliminate the two core fears:
You can do this.
Kimberly Giles is a life coach, speaker and author, and has a free quiz online where you can figure your dominant core fear and your Relationship Behavior Shape. Check it out at www.12shapes.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com
SALT LAKE CITY — Every few weeks I have KSL readers comment and say something to the effect of, “Coach Kim thinks everything is a fear problem and sometimes people aren’t afraid, they are just selfish or jerks. Why does she think everything is about fear?”
In this article, I would like to address why I see fear in every problem and why seeing human behavior in this way could be helpful.
First, understand my goal in writing this weekly advice column for the last eight years. It is to provide easy, usable advice, skills and tools to help solve people problems and improve relationships and self-esteem. In order for any advice, skills or tools to be usable, they must be simple to understand and easy to do. This is what I aim for.
For over 30 years I’ve been studying human behavior, psychology and personal development. My goal is to take the often complex ideas, theories and therapies down to their essence and make them simple enough to be useful in day-to-day situations. One of my frustrations with psychology is that though factual (and researched) it is not always simple enough to be usable — and if it isn’t usable, it isn’t helpful.
My work tries to bring human behavior to its foundational core or “cause” level and make it simple enough to be usable and create real change in behavior. This means breaking it down into the smallest number of moving parts as possible.
I believe you can break all human motivation down into two categories, fear and love. If you look behind everything you do, you can find a fear-motivated or a love-motivated reason to do it. Many modern thought leaders and authors, like David Hawkins, Marianne Williamson, Eckhart Tolle, Elisabeth Kubler Ross and others, teach this same concept, because again, it’s not only true, it’s also simple, useful and helpful.
Elisabeth Kubler Ross says, “There are only two emotions: love and fear. All positive emotions come from love, all negative emotions from fear. From love flows happiness, contentment, peace, and joy. From fear comes anger, hate, anxiety and guilt. It's true that there are only two primary emotions, love and fear. But it's more accurate to say that there is only love or fear, for we cannot feel these two emotions together, at exactly the same time. They're opposites. If we're in fear, we are not in a place of love. When we're in a place of love, we cannot be in a place of fear.”
I believe every moment of your life you are functioning in one of these two states. You are either in a balanced, trust and love state (where you feel safe and have access to your love and best behavior) or you are in an unbalanced, fear state (where your worst behavior comes out). This idea is helpful because with only two states it becomes very easy to determine which state you are in.
All you have to learn is how to get from an unbalanced fear state into a balanced trust and love state again and your life becomes much happier. That is what I try to teach my coaching clients to do. If we simplify complex, emotional states and behavior down to their essence, then we can see what they are more accurately and we can behave better.
I also believe there are two core fears, which all bad behavior and negative emotions can be rolled into. This, again, makes bad human behavior easier to understand. The two fears are the fear of failure (fear you might not be good enough) and the fear of loss (fear your life may not be good enough). At first, you may not see how true this is, but when you start looking behind bad behavior to see if feelings of failure or loss are there, you will.
For example, last week one reader commented: “Some people aren’t scared they are just selfish."
If you look behind why someone is selfish, you will see they are afraid that they won’t have or get what they need — which is fear of loss. This fear keeps them focused on making sure they have what they want and need, which is selfish behavior, but could also be labeled as "fear of loss" behavior.
If you are angry because you feel insulted that might not look like a fear problem either, but think about why you are sensitive to feeling insulted. Could it be that you are functioning in a fear of failure state and are already afraid you might not be good enough? Anger often has criticism (failure) or mistreatment (loss) behind it.
People who are arrogant, insecure, easily insulted or can’t handle feedback, may come across as rude, but the reason for all those bad behaviors may be a fear of failure.
People who are controlling, territorial, defensive, bossy, grouchy, mistreated or angry, are functioning in a "fear of loss" state.
You have the option of seeing it that way if you want to. The benefit to identifying bad behavior as coming from fear is that it can create understanding in certain interactions. It also breeds compassion when you see difficult people as scared rather than selfish or rude.
So, you could see and label bad behavior in many different ways, but this system makes it easier and more usable. When you see others in a fear state, you will also know exactly what they need. They need validation and reassurance — something to quiet the fear and make it go away so they can feel safe and become less focused on their own lack or needs and more capable of showing up for you.
But, you are not responsible for their inner state — that is their job and you are in charge of yours. You must be responsible for your fear issues and learn how to get yourself out of fear and balanced again.
You certainly don’t have to like my system or perspective on human behavior or see it as accurate, but I do encourage you to play with it before dismissing it too fast. Anything that is helpful in managing your bad behavior and can help you get along better with others is worth exploring.
We have also developed a 12 Shapes Relationship System that reduces all humanity into 12 types of people (another simplifying strategy to make change easier). The shapes are based on what you fear most and what you value most, which are the real drivers of human behavior. It’s free to take the shape quiz and figure out which fear is a bigger issue for you. The link is below.
You can do this.
Kimberly Giles and Nicole Cunningham are the authors of the 12 Shapes Relationship System - get the app today, take the quiz, invite friends and learn about your shape at - app.12shapes.com
SALT LAKE CITY — Relationships and getting along with others is complicated and messy. It’s messy because we are all so different, and our differences create uncomfortable, unsafe and threatened feelings, which can lead to bad relationship behavior, based in fear, not love.
When you are in a fear-based relationship where no one feels safe, this fear creates bad behavior and people problems.
Over the last 15 years, as a master executive life coach, I have found that human behavior can actually be very simple to understand. And when you get it, you can get along with almost anyone (yes, there are some people you may never get along with, but they are rare).
I have found most human behavior is driven by two factors: what you value and what you fear. These two factors are the keys to understanding why you and other people behave the way you do and why you struggle to get along with certain people, especially those who value and fear different things than you do.
My business partner Nicole Cunningham did 8 years of research in Australia and Asia that have led us to believe there are four value systems that drive most human behavior. These four systems of value, along with the two core fears (I talk about in most of my KSL.com articles) divide us into 12 different types of people, which we call the 12 shapes. These four value systems influence the kind of career you go into, the way you dress, the kind of worker you are, who you judge, who you respect and who you struggle to get along with.
MAKE SURE YOU TAKE THE 12 SHAPES RELATIONSHIP SURVEY AND FIND OUT YOUR SHAPE - AND INVITE FRIENDS AND FAMILY TO DO THE SAME!
CLICK HERE FOR THE APP
See if you can tell which sounds the most like you. Here they are:
For example, I am a person, who highly values tasks and I often see other people, who don’t work as hard or as fast as I do, as lazy. I see people who talk too much as time wasters and I struggle to be friends with people who are too opinionated. I also don’t care much about my appearance and I can judge people who spend a lot of time and energy on theirs.
Can you see why you might not get along with people who value different things?
Think of some people in your life, who you do not get along with. See if you can figure out what that person values most. Is their value system different from yours? Does it threaten what you value? Does their value system mean they might see yours as wrong?
When you don’t get along with someone, it is generally because you don’t feel safe with them. The way they think or behave probably threatens you, who you are, or what you value. Because you don’t feel safe, you will subconsciously see them as wrong, less, bad or worse than you. You might also subconsciously look for bad in them and focus on it. There will be good in them too, but you won’t see that, because your ego needs to see anyone who is different as the bad guy. Seeing them as bad or wrong makes you feel a little safer and better.
This is behavior you must watch for. If you aren’t getting along with someone, take the time to look at why you might feel threatened or not good enough around them. What about them makes you feel this way? How is their value system a threat to yours?
Could you, instead, trust that all human beings have the same intrinsic worth and no one is more or less valuable than anyone else? Could you trust that each of us is having a completely unique, custom, classroom journey and see any comparing as pointless? Could you set aside better and worse, and just see them as different?
Recognize the world needs all different kinds of people and no value system is inherently better or worse than another. Seeing people and their behavior accurately will create more tolerance and acceptance. The more you practice seeing human behavior this way, the more compassionate and easy to get along with you will become.
You can do this.
Kimberly Giles and Nicole Cunningham are the authors of the 12 Shapes Relationship System - get the app today, take the quiz, invite friends and learn about your shape at - app.12shapes.com
We often let fear stop us from living the life we want and creating the relationships we deserve. Our fears make us defensive, controlling, know-it-alls, or insecure, timid, doormats. Fear creates most of our people problems and holds us back from living our true potential.
You know the old saying “Everything you want is on the other side of your fear/comfort zone.” Well, it’s true, but getting the courage to break free and march into that uncomfortable zone is scary.
In my 15 years as a master life coach, I’ve come to believe there are two core fears that cause most of our issues, the fear of failure (that you might not be good enough) and the fear of loss (that your life won’t be good enough). Getting out of your comfort zone becomes easier when you get those two fears out of your way.
You do this by choosing two beliefs that negate those fears.
1) You choose to see all humans as having the same exact, unchangeable value. This means you cannot fail or be less or more than anyone else, no matter what you do. This takes failure off the table (along with judgment too).
2) You choose to see the universe as a wise teacher and believe every experience that shows up in your life, is the perfect classroom journey for you, for some reason. This means you can grow and become better with every experience that shows up in your life.
When you practice choosing these beliefs as your truth, you will find it’s easier to take risks, and start stepping out of your comfort zone and doing the things that scared you before. Look for opportunities to do things that could make you feel stupid or embarrassed, and do them anyway. In trying these things, you will remove your fear of what other people think of you and discover the power to live your life to the fullest. You will also be happier, healthier and more fulfilled.
Here are 25 ways to get braver and stretch out of your comfort zone:
1) Sign up for a class to learn something new. You will be bad at it at first and that’s good practice trusting your value isn’t attached to your performance.
2) Put on your head phones and dance in public to your own beat.
3) Try new recipes or order dishes you’ve never tried and usually wouldn’t order at restaurants. It’s time to stretch.
4) Find an opportunity to volunteer and do service, somewhere you have never been.
5) Make a prank phone call, not a cruel one, but something funny.
6) Plan a trip to somewhere you have never been.
7) Set a big goal like running a marathon or hiking a mountain.
8) Take a dance, painting, pottery, or woodshop course.
9) Leave positive messages in sidewalk chalk around your neighborhood
10) Pay for another tables dinner anonymously and just watch their surprise.
11) Walk up to an intimidating person and pay them a compliment.
12) Do something you are scared to do every day. Write these in a journal.
13) Ask for a raise at work.
14) If single, get out there and ask someone on a date. Hand your name and number to a handsome/beautiful stranger with a smile and walk away. It’s not about whether they call you, it’s being brave enough to do that.
15) Order and eat dessert first.
16) Go out and dance in the rain.
17) Jump in a pool with your clothes on, when no one expects it.
18) Put together different outfit combinations than you’ve worn before.
19) Drive home a different route every day this week.
20) Learn a new language.
21) Visit a church of a different religion.
22) Sit next to someone who is very different from you and get to know them.
23) Go for a drive and flip a coin at each intersection to decide which way to go.
24) Get some post it notes and leave encouraging notes inside books at the library, on the bus, on menus before you hand them back, anywhere people will find them.
25) Sing karaoke.
Stretching out of your comfort zone will be easier and more fun than you think. The things we fear doing, are always scarier in our minds than they are in real life. Research shows that new experiences and challenges also rewire your brain and make you smarter, stronger and healthier. “In the long-term, comfort is bad for your brain. Without mental stimulation dendrites, connections between brain neurons that keep information flowing, shrink or disappear altogether.”
When you stretch your limits, learn new things, and stay active, your brain regenerates. Michael Merzenich, a pioneer of plasticity research, says that going beyond the familiar is essential to brain health. “It’s the willingness to leave the comfort zone that is the key to keeping the brain new,” he says.
Getting out of your comfort zone increases confidence and make you more resilient. It increases your ability to handle challenges that would have intimidated you. So, make a goal to do something risky, embarrassing or uncomfortable every day and start living your life to the fullest.
You can do this.
Kimberly Giles is a master executive coach and speaker. She is the founder of www.claritypointcoaching.com and has a new app for improving your life and relationships at app.12shapes.com
This was first published on KSL.COM
SALT LAKE CITY — This article is for parents. It's when they discover their teenager is sneaking out, is sexually active, is taking drugs or participating in any other scary, bad behavior.
How you react to this news or discovery matters. If you react badly, with an emotional, scared, selfish, angry, overblown in panicked reaction, you could push them further away from you and end up with less influence in their lives. If you respond right, you can strengthen your connection, build trust and gain more influence.
1. Don’t freak out
This discovery may feel like the end of the world; it isn’t. You must choose to trust the universe knows what it’s doing. This is the perfect classroom journey experience, showing up for you and your child, and to provide the lessons you both apparently need. Trust that your teen has signed themselves up for this lesson, because it’s the one they need, and you are going to become stronger, wiser and more loving through this too.
2. Don’t shame or berate them
We all make mistakes, have bad judgment, and try things we know are bad for us. We are human and making mistakes is a vital part of our classroom journey. So, you must not ever shame, humiliate, judge or berate your child for being a human being in process. This is the biggest mistake parents make. They approach their child from a position of above — better, more righteous and perfect — and talk down to their teen, who they view as stupid, bad and wrong. Our egos love this behavior, but it ruins relationships.
Get off your high horse and remember you aren’t perfect either, you have character flaws and you have made mistakes. Get down on their level and see both of you as the same, struggling scared students in the classroom of life, who both have a lot more to learn. Tell them you are a student in the classroom with them and apparently you both get to learn something here. Admit you have made tons of mistakes and there is no shame or judgment coming from you. Your only desire is to be here, help them sort it all out and figure out what they want. You are here to listen and no matter what, be on their side. This approach makes it you and your teen together against a problem, not against each other.
3. Don’t lecture, just listen
When you start lecturing, they tune you out. They do this because it’s all about you and not about them at all. When you lecture, you are saying things that make you feel better and safer. You are not saying things that actually help your teen.
So zip it and get ready for a long conversation where you say very little. It is time to ask questions and get to know your child at a deeper level. You will not believe how much you will learn about your child, if you ask questions and listen more than you talk. If your teen won’t talk to you (because you have not listened very well in the past, you may have to apologize for that and promise this time will be different). If they still won’t trust or talk to you, you might have to find another adult they can be honest with.
Tell your teen you just want to understand where they are, how they feel, what they want in life, and figure out how you can support them. Ask them to be honest with you and you can handle the truth without freaking out (and mean it). If you can’t handle the truth and stay out of judgment, fear and anger, then you won’t earn this place in their life. You may need to find another adult, a counselor, coach or leader, who they will talk to, while you work on building trust again.
If they will talk, ask questions, which help you understand what drives their behavior. The main drivers of behavior are what they fear most and what they value most. So, ask questions that explore these. Ask them to tell you what matters most to them from these four things:
Then, ask them if they can see how their behavior might be about meeting that need. Ask if they would be open to finding some healthier solutions or sources to meet that need. Ask them to tell you what might be healthier ways. Ask them about their goals, wants, and dreams in life, and explain your role, as their parent, is to support and help them to create the life they want and feel good about themselves. (Notice this is all done by asking not telling).
4. Ask permission to share
If you feel you must tell a story, give advice or make rules, ask them if they would be open to letting you go here. “Would you be willing to let me share my beliefs and values and how I feel about this with you?” If you have spent enough time listening first, you will have earned the right to go here now.
Asking permission is a powerful way to show your teen you respect and honor them, and the more you do this, the more they will respect you back. If they say no, say I respect that and move onto the part about creating rules together.
5. Don’t make unrealistic rules
Your teen is going to find a way to do whatever they want to do, no matter what your rules are. So, your cracking down and trying to control their life doesn’t really work and forbidding them from ever seeing their boyfriend or their friends again isn’t realistic.
It makes more sense to help them set some new boundaries and rules to help them create the life they want, but you must include the teen in figuring out what these new rules should be. These should be rules that help them protect themselves, from their own tendency to get into trouble. Decide on curfews, routine drug tests, access to tech, the car, etc.
Help them figure out why making better choices is the right thing for them, so they will want to make these good choices on their own when you aren’t there to control them. You want a smarter teen who makes good choices for themselves. This is much safer than control is. Also, remember you can have control or connection, and the later gives you more influence.
Your teen may keep making bad choices though, and if this happens, you may need to seek out some professional help (sooner than later). This is hard for parents though. You don’t want to see them make painful, costly decisions, but it is their journey and you will suffer less when you respect that. Focus on unconditional love, good boundaries and limits, and staying out of judgment and shaming. Keep choosing love over fear and listen to your intuition, as you are entitled to know what's right for your child.
You can do this.
Kimberly Giles is the human behavior expert who solves people problems at home and work. Check out her new app at 12shapes.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com
This was first published on KSL.COM
SALT LAKE CITY — In this edition of LIFEadvice, Coach Kim shares a fresh perspective on why we disagree and how to resolve it.
I live in a small planned unit development with four families. This is the second year we have lived in the community, as it is a new development. The control box for the sprinkler system is in my backyard. The park-strip grass we all share is watered by a valve in that control box. Every summer, I consult the water conservation website for irrigation frequency, and follow that guideline. This means that the grass is not lush and green, but rather, closer to yellow in color.
My retired neighbor is extremely unhappy about this and badgers me relentlessly to increase the watering for that area. He has become hostile and abusive. When I called a meeting with the other families to discuss what to do, he went into victim mode, saying that he is the only one trying to save the grass and maintain the appearance of the grounds. He does do a lot of work around the planned unit development, such as repairing sprinklers, fertilizing, etc. He is home and able to do it, and is compensated by the HOA.
How can we find a happy medium? Is it even possible?
Most disagreements like this happen because of differences in values. It has been my observation, as a life coach and human behavior expert for 15 years, that there are four value systems that drive most human behavior. When you understand what someone values most, you will then understand their thinking, behavior, and why they make the choices they do.
We all value all four of these, but we usually have one that is more dominant than the others. Understanding this is the trick to resolving conflicts and disagreements.
Here are the four value systems that create most disagreements:
1. Some of us value people most. These people don’t like to be alone and highly value relationships, connection and feeling wanted and included. They would sacrifice getting things done for time to visit with friends, and they care more about people than things, tasks or opinions.
2. Some of us value tasks most. These people are driven by their “to-do” lists and are constant workers and doers. They care most about getting things done and would rather work alone and be productive than visit with others.
3. Some of us value things most. These people care about how things look, taking care of things and creating things. They can be artists, inventors or good stewards, who carefully manage what they have or are in charge of.
4. Some of us value ideas most. These people care about causes, opinions, rules, politics and the environment most. They are rule keepers and system followers. They are often advocates, teachers and well-educated. They also believe in fairness, loyalty and are community minded.
It sounds like you are someone who values ideas and principles most. This is why you follow recommended guidelines and believe in doing what is right for the community, city and state, not just for yourself. You highly value doing the right thing, even if it means sacrificing some of your quality of life.
Your neighbor appears to value things. He spends a great deal of time making his yard look good. Having a nice yard feels important to him because it creates his quality of life and he hopes others will benefit from it too. I am sure he cares about the community and environment, but it sounds like he cares about things looking nice a little more. He also values hard work and wants to see the fruits of his labor.
The most important thing you need to know in this situation is there is no right or wrong— there is just different. Your value system isn’t better than his, and you both have the right to be who you are and see the world the way you see it. You both have the right to have your value system honored and respected, and you have the same intrinsic value as every other human being. Neither of you can resolve this problem if you continue to see yourself as right or better and the other as wrong.
Whenever you find yourself in a disagreement, the solution lies in having a mutually validating conversation with the other person, a conversation where both people feel respected and honored. There are five steps to doing these conversations right, and if you follow them, you can usually create a compromise.
Steps for a mutually validating conversation:
1. Make sure you see the other person as having the same intrinsic worth as you. Make sure you aren't talking down from a position of better, smarter or more right.
2. Set all your opinions aside up front. Don’t start the conversation expressing your view. Start the conversation ready to listen to them.
3. Ask questions about what they think, how they feel, what their concerns and opinions are. Actively listen and validate, honor and respect their right to see the world the way they see it. This comes from how they are wired, and they cannot see anything else at this time. Make sure at this step you are not agreeing or disagreeing (those are about you). This is the time to make them feel heard and understood. The longer you spend here the better. This kind of listening helps to lessen defensiveness and create a safe space for you to share your views too.
4. Ask permission to share your views. Ask your neighbor if he would be willing to let you explain why you think it’s important to follow recommended guidelines and do what you feel is right for the whole community. Ask if he would be willing to be open-minded and at least consider your view. If he is, then go to step five. If he isn’t willing to hear you, say you respect that and thank him for his time. (You must do this if you want to build trust where further conversations could go better.)
5. Speak your mind using “I” statements, not “you” statements. Tell him about your values and why you see the situation the way you do. Ask him if he would be open to a compromise and suggest something that honors both your values. Maybe you could water more, but do it at night or water a little longer, while still conserving, to some degree.
The trick lies in being willing to let go of the “I’m right and you are wrong” mindset, and being truly open to seeing the right in the other person's perspective.
Remember, they aren’t wrong, they are just different. The world would be a boring place if were all the same, and we need social connectors, get-it-done workers, artists, stewards, advocates and rule keepers to make the world work. There is a place for everyone.
Make sure you validate your neighbor's strengths and talents, and appreciate the work he does on the property. He will really appreciate some praise and validation. If you start the conversation with that, you can resolve most problems.
You can do this.
Kimberly Giles is a human behavior expert and master coach. Visit www.12shapes.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com to learn more.
This was first published on KSL.COM
SALT LAKE CITY — In this edition of LIFEadvice, Coach Kim shares what your reoccurring nightmares might mean in your real life.
I have a repeating nightmare that haunts me all the time, where all my teeth crumble and fall out. I wondered if you knew what this meant, as I assume it’s fear related because I am scared of that. My husband has another repeating dream of missing a class in school for a whole year and being in trouble. I’d love to know what that one could mean too. Any idea?
Some studies that show 70 percent of adults have a nightmare at least once a month, and nightmares or dreams might be a subconscious way to process emotions, stress and fears in our lives. The stuff in our nightmares can be symbolic of what we are battling all day.
They are not literal though. You are not actually worried about your teeth falling out, you are having anxiety around something though.
"Nightmares are a mix of memories, recent information you were exposed to and visual representations of your emotions," Dr. Michael Breus, a clinical psychologist and fellow at the American Academy of Sleep Science told Buzzfeed Life.
These nightmares create real fear reactions in your body though because researchers have found they happen in the visual cortex of your brain, which affects your amygdala, the emotion center. So, your body responds as if the situation is really happening, and you can get out of breath and sweat just like it's real.
It’s interesting that some experts believe women have more nightmares than men. Dr. AJ Marsden, assistant professor of human services and psychology at Beacon College in Leesburg, Florida, told Prevention it "might be correlated to the finding that women also have more issues with anxiety, and nightmares are often a reflection of our worries and anxieties."
Studies have found anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses can increase nightmares, too, along with many antidepressant medications, antihistamines and other drugs. You might ask your doctor if any of your medications could be making nightmares worse.
Below are some of the most common and recurring nightmares and what experts think they might mean. Just remember symbolic ideas mean different things to different people, so you should ask yourself the questions below each nightmare to explore other possibilities.
Your teeth cracking or falling out
This one is so common there is a website dedicated to it www.TeethFallingOutDream.org. They suggest all kinds of meanings to this nightmare fear of poor appearance, looking bad, powerlessness, losing things like your money, your youth, security, or that you are just going through a big scary change in your life and afraid of it falling apart.
Ask yourself: Am I afraid of what others think about me and how I look? Am I feeling helpless or powerless in any way? Do I feel I have no control over my situation? Am I having trouble speaking my truth or feelings about anything? What do my teeth represent to me?
Being late to something important
This could mean you are afraid you aren’t enough, adequate or prepared. It could mean you need to take care of something you keep forgetting or that you are afraid you will miss a big opportunity in your life.
Ask yourself: Do I have too much on my plate? Am I overwhelmed? Am I procrastinating doing something that needs to get done? Am I being responsible for myself or dropping the ball anywhere? What could the appointment I’m late for represent in my real life?
Being stuck or paralyzed
You might feel stuck in a situation in your life. You could feel helpless and out of control, or you might be ignoring a situation that you need to deal with.
Ask Yourself: Am I being honest with myself about my current situation? Do I really want to be there? What am I afraid will happen if I try to make a change? What will happen if you let fear keep you there? Am I speaking my truth and why not? What am I afraid of?
Being lost or losing something important to you
If you can’t make a hard decision you might have this nightmare, or your subconscious mind could be showing you that you aren’t focused or paying attention. It could mean you don’t know how to function or what to do in some situation. It might mean you are losing yourself and not being true to yourself, or that you are going to lose something if you don’t make a change in your life.
Ask yourself: Am I feeling lost in any real aspect of my life? Do I feel powerless to change anything? Am I losing anything important if I keep going the way I’m going? Do I need to make any healthy changes, that I’ve been afraid to make? Why am I letting fear stop me? Do I know where I’m going in life and what I want next?
You can’t find the bathroom
It might mean you are not taking care of yourself and your needs. It could mean you are frustrated because you can’t create the life you really want to be happy. It could also mean are afraid of not having the life you really wanted.
Ask yourself: Am I struggling to take care of myself and my needs, do they come last? Are there things you really want in life, but you aren’t making them happen? What changes do you wish you could make if you were braver? What could the toilet I’m seeking actually represent in my life?
Being chased by something or someone dangerous
This is a very common nightmare and it usually means you are avoiding something, often processing your emotions, speaking your truth or something like that you are scared to do. It might be time to deal with your real feelings and make a change. It could also signify anxiety in your life and frustration that you can’t have the life you want. You might also be overwhelmed by all the tasks on your plate right now.
Ask yourself: Am I overwhelmed and afraid of failing? Is there a problem, emotion or truth it is time to face and deal with? What am I avoiding dealing with? What am I currently afraid of that I might be running from? What could the thing I’m running from represent?
Being naked in public
This is another very common nightmare that signifies feeling exposed or afraid of judgment. It could also mean you have anxiety around self-worth or vulnerability. It could also mean that you are hiding something you don’t want others to know or see.
Ask yourself: Is there anything I am hiding and don’t want anyone to know? Am I keeping a secret that would be healthy to reveal? Am I afraid to be myself with others? Am I uncomfortable in my own skin and unhappy with who I am? Am I afraid of what others think of me? Is it time to get some help and work on that? Is the fear around being seen naked and what could that represent in my real life?
Failing a test or missing a test or class
This nightmare can mean you are overwhelmed and just can’t do it all. It could mean you are scared of dropping the ball and handling everything on your plate. It could mean you are scared of being irresponsible or making mistakes.
Ask yourself: Am I overwhelmed with too much on my plate? Are there things out of my control, I need to let go of? Am I overly task focused and afraid anything I miss means I’m not good enough? Is there anything the test or class might represent, that I’m afraid I’m going to forget?
This usually represents anxiety about a situation you can’t control. It can mean your life is out of balance and you need to look at your priorities. Some experts say if you are falling straight down, it’s a fear of failure issue; if you are tripping, it’s a fear of mistakes; and if someone pushes you, you feel threatened by someone or something.
Ask yourself: Do I feel insecure or threatened by any situation in my life right now? Do I feel out of control or helpless? Where and why? Am I trying to control things I cannot control?
Sleep experts suggest not dealing with stressful issues like paying bills, resolving conflict or discussing emotional issues right before bed. You will sleep better if you do calming activities right before turning in. Listen to meditations or soft music and lay down in trust that everything in your life will work out for the best in the long run.
You can do this.
Kimberly Giles owns the Claritypoint Coaching academy and certifies people who want to be life coaches www.claritypointcoaching.com and owns www.12shapes.com to help people have healthy relationships.
My husband and I disagree on parenting. He is very strict and hard on our kids and I’m more understanding and nurturing. I think the way he parents our sensitive son is just not right, but he refuses to do it my way because he sees it as wrong. I know we should be a united front with our kids and have each other’s backs, but we both think we are right. Most of the time I give in because he’s so adamant but I resent him for always having his way and my voice doesn’t count or matter. I think his way is hurting our son, but he is so stubborn he won’t even consider that he’s wrong. Any suggestions?
What you are really asking is, "How do you deal with a spouse (or anyone) who is not open to the possibility they are wrong and refuses to compromise?"
I’m so glad you asked this because there are stubborn, opinionated, fear-driven people all around us and they can be a challenge to live or work with. First, I want you to understand why they are this way.
As a human behavior expert for the last 16 years, I believe that all bad behavior is driven by fear — and there are two core fears that drive most of it. They are the fear of failure and the fear of loss. We all have both of them in play to some degree every day, but our reactions to them can be very different.
For example, fear of failure can make some people shrink and say nothing, because it feels safer, while it makes others super-opinionated because they need the validation that comes from being right and heard. It’s the same fear, but two very different reactions.
I believe your spouse seems to be the later. He needs the validation that comes from being right to feel safe in the world. So he cannot ever admit he is wrong or he would subconsciously feel he had no value at all.
People who respond to fear of failure this way can have trouble in relationships because they find it hard to compromise, listen to others opinions, apologize or tolerate people with whom they disagree. They can also be afraid of looking bad, and a son who behaves badly could do that. People who respond to failure this way can also let ego and pride drive their behavior. They might think ego protects them, but it doesn’t create much connection in relationships.
I tell you all this because I want you to see beneath the ego to the scared person inside. If you see your spouse as scared of failure or looking bad, you will have more compassion for him.
Your spouse could also be having a fear of loss issue and might need a certain amount of control to feel safe. But people have to be ready and willing to do some personal development work before they are open to seeing their subconscious fear issues.
I want you to understand the behavior though, so you will know how to best handle the situation. Here are six suggestions for dealing with stubborn people:
1. Give them validation about whatever good behavior you see in them. Tell them often how much you appreciate their willingness to listen without fixing or consider both sides of an argument. Praise the behavior you want to see more of. People often want to live up to your highest opinion of them.
2. Ask lots of questions about an issue and see if they come up with similar solutions. They like to talk, so asking questions and listening gets them to open up. Ask them if they have any other ideas? Keep asking them to think it through and come up with other ideas. Do this until they reach one you both agree on.
3. When you need to discuss an issue and you really want to be heard, ask questions and listen to their opinions first. Then ask permission to share your ideas. Specifically ask them if they would be willing to be quiet, not interrupt or say anything for five minutes and let you fully explain your opinion before they respond. Ask them if they would be willing to consider your thoughts and not be too quick to shoot them down, because they are strongly held ideas and their rejection would be painful for you. Get their commitment before you say a word.
4. Then, phrase your opinion or ideas using lots of "I" statements. "I feel…" "I have observed…" "I believe…" "I really think…". It is hard for people to argue with your right to your perspective. They may think differently, but they must honor your right to see it your way.
5. If they are deeply in fear, to the degree of being unable to listen to other suggestions, don’t take it personally. I believe it is not about you — it is about their fears about themselves. When they solve those, they can then access their love and willingness to hear others.
6. Gently remind your spouse that their value is not on the line with your son’s behavior and that you both have to keep checking yourself, to make sure you aren’t making it about you. No matter how your son turns out, you still have the exact same value as everyone else.
If you try these things and nothing works, you may want to consider some counseling or coaching together. A third-party can often help resolve stubborn behavior in relationships.
You can do this.
Kimberly Giles is a human behavior expert behind www.12shapes.com She hosts a weekly Relationship Radio show on Voice American and iTunes.
FOR MORE FREE
Coaching is less expensive than you think - If you need help we can find you a coach you can afford.
Call Tiffany 801-201-8315
These articles were originally published on KSL.COM
Kimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio.