First published on KSL.com
During the holiday season, our attention is turned towards giving, showing love to the people around us, helping the less fortunate, and trying to create a more peaceful world.
This has had me thinking about how un-peaceful the world feels right now. There is more divisions and distance between us than ever. There is a widening gap between the political parties, racial tension, religious transitions, and more divides around gender and sexuality than ever before. The “us versus them mentality” is stronger than ever.
University of Maryland professor Lilliana Mason recently released a study showing that the political divide between the parties is creating more disdain and even hatred for members of the opposing party than we have ever seen before. She found it wasn’t even the issues that divides us, as much as the political identities of the two groups, and our desire to fit in on one side or the other.
According to the Pew Research Center there has been a spike in the contempt each group has for the other. More than 4 in 10 Democrats and Republicans say the other party’s policies are so misguided that they pose a threat to the nation. This means we are becoming scared of each other, and that fear breeds conflict and hate, not compassion.
The internet has made it easy to access news and commentary that is biased towards our side, which strengthens the animosity towards the other, and throws gasoline on flame of discord.
The problem is, at the subconscious level, our egos like this “us versus them” idea. We like it because when you make the other side the villains and cast them as the bad guys, you cast yourself as the good guys, which can be a subconscious boost to your self-esteem, but this comes at a great cost to our country and communities. Instead of unity, compassion, and tolerance, we create fear, distain, and division.
The real problem behind these problems in our world (terrorism, racism, discrimination, hate, misogyny and prejudice) is a simple, foundational belief we all have. It is simply the belief or idea that human value can change. Let me explain why.
You believe your value as a human being is dependent on your appearance, performance, property and popularity. These things change all the time, so your sense of value changes and goes up and down. Some days you feel good about yourself and others you feel worthless or less than others. Because you believe your value can change, you also believe other people’s value can change, and this means you also believe some humans have “more value” than other humans.
You may not believe this consciously, but the two beliefs go together, and if you believe value can change, you have to believe some people are more valuable or good than others.
Most of this plays out subconsciously though. Think about how you judge, measure and assess everyone you meet, and some of them you see as better as you (and you are intimidated by them) and some you see as less than you (and you might talk down to them).
This simple belief is the real problem behind all the problems on the planet. We see certain groups of people as better or worse than other groups of people, and if we see them as the bad guys we can justify treating them badly.
The terrorists see Americans as the bad, horrible and we see them as horrible violent people. Democrats see Republicans as racist and fascist, while Republicans see Democrats as socialist free loaders. Millennials are disgusted with old views, and older folks see millennials as entitled and lazy.
People who leave their religion see the believers as the clueless, while the believer see them as sinning apostates. People who live on the east side, see the west side neighborhoods as ghetto. The holy war between red and blue football teams further divides our community. There are a million ways we divide ourselves into “us versus them” and as long as we see “them” as the bad guys, we will create discord not peace.
This is where each of us can step in and create real change in our world. We can change this core, foundational belief inside us, and if we all did this, we could change everything.
You can start this by choosing to see all humans value as unchangeable, infinite and absolute. This would mean everyone has the exact same intrinsic worth no matter what party, race, or religion they belong to. This means you can’t earn more value and be better than anyone else. You also can’t lose value and be less than anyone else. You always are the same - no matter what you do.
This is a simple idea, but the affect could be profound. If everyone on the planet chose to stop vilifying the others as bad, and chose to see them as just different, but equal in value, we could make big changes in our community. But you have no control over them, you only have control of you.
So, choose to see all humans as equal in value, starting today. Give up judgment, gossip and the need to put others down to feel better about yourself. Stop seeing the other political party as horrible people, and just see them as scared of different things. Their fears make them concerned about different issues, but they are good people with the exact same value.
There are some “bad” people out there, who wish to do harm others. But, you can still see them as equal in value. These people have usually had a much different life journey, where they have experienced things you haven’t, and some have developed mindsets that come from fear and hate. But if you had had their journey, you might be the same way. You don’t have to trust these people or be friends with them, but if you choose to see their value as the same, you could address them with wisdom not hate.
You start creating peace on earth at home. Make sure you remind yourself daily that your own value doesn’t change. When you have a bad hair day, make a mistake at work, get dumped, or experience a setback remind yourself none of these change your value.
Make sure your spouse and children know their value can’t change. When they drop a glass in the kitchen that shatters and makes a huge mess, quickly remind them that didn’t change their value. Make sure you don’t cast your spouse as the bad one in a fight. Instead see both of you as both good and bad at times, with the exact same value.
The more you talk about this idea and choose it as your truth, the better you will feel. Also refrain from gossip, judging and putting others down. Never speak negatively about people who are different from you politically, racially, economically or spiritually. Make seeing all people as the same, a daily commitment.
Look for similarities not differences, and reach out to people you haven’t been comfortable around, and get to know them. It’s hard to hate people up close.
Find people whose views are different from yours and instead of seeing them as wrong or debating the issues, ask questions and see what you could learn from their perspective. See if you can feel their heart and goodness. If we all reached across the aisle and had more compassion for our neighbors, maybe our leaders would learn to lean in and create compromise too.
Peace on earth beings with you and me.
We can do this.
Kimberly Giles is a sought after coach, author and speaker. She is the president and founder of www.claritypointcoaching.com and www.12shapes.com She is the author of the books Choosing Clarity, and The People Guidebook.
This was first published on ksl.com
What advice would you have for someone who is tired, discouraged and burned out? Life has been rough the last few years. I’m just tired of struggling and watching other people have easy lives, while mine is all uphill and hard. Do you have advice for me?
First, be very careful who you compare your life journey with. There are just as many people out there whose lives may be more difficult than yours as there may be people whose lives are easier. If you catch yourself feeling jealous of someone else’s life, try thinking about the large percentage of the world that might give anything to have yours.
Of course, it’s better if you don’t compare at all and choose to see each person as getting the life journey that will serve them best. I believe each situation in your life is meant to teach you something, and you can choose to have this perspective, too.
The issue of feeling burned out and running on empty could mean it’s time for some better self-care. It's your job to make sure your emotional tank stays full — especially if you're going through a lot of draining experiences right now. This may mean time alone or time with friends, more rest, hobbies, exercise or whatever. Let's you put stress aside and simply relax.
Some people in your life might see taking time for yourself as selfish, but it’s not. Self-care is not self-indulgent — it is a sign of self-respect.
Here are some self-care suggestions to help fill your emotional tank and avoid burnout:
Sometimes, when things feel really discouraging, all I can handle is 5 minutes at a time. If you try to carry the burden of all your troubles for the coming year right now, it might begin to crush you. So just focus on a little at a time.
You can do this.
Kimberly Giles is a sought after corporate people skills trainer, life coach and business owner. She is author of the book Choosing Clarity and the founder of www.claritypointcoaching.com
This was first published on ksl.com
I hear from a lot of people during this time of year who aren't fans of the holiday season. They say they dread it all — the pressure to spend money on gifts, the obligation to attend gatherings with people they don’t like, the commercialization and materialism, and the seasonal depression that might be brought on by overcast weather.
Do you feel like this in any way?
When you are unhappy, afraid you aren’t good enough or are struggling with relationships, you may have a tendency to project these feelings onto the holiday season. We all subconsciously project our feelings about ourselves onto things and people around us.
Here are a few ways to cope during the holiday season:
You can do this.
Kimberly Giles is a sought after speaker, author and business owner. She is the founder of www.claritypointcoaching,com and www.12shapes.com and provides simple solutions to every kind of human behavior difficulty.
I hate family holiday parties because there is one person who completely ruins them for me. They are negative and critical, and they never fail to insult me in some way. Do you have any advice for managing this situation, since I am expected to attend like it or not?
You are not alone in dreading this part of the holidays. Many people find family gatherings trying. If it’s not annoying relatives, it’s dreading the questions people will ask about your life (and your lack of good answers). Most families today are made of people with different beliefs, values, standards and ideas too, and these differences can create conflict, defensiveness and arguments.
There are a couple key things to remember to help you survive these parties:
1. Differences don’t mean better or worse, or right or wrong — they just mean different
The reason differences might scare us and make us feel judged and criticized by others is we might assume someone is right and better, and the other is wrong or worse. That's not true, it's just a perspective option, but it’s not your only perspective option.
You could choose to believe that all human beings have the same, unchanging, infinite, intrinsic worth — no matter their differences. This means different can’t make anyone better or less than anyone else. If you choose this perspective, you can be bulletproof at family parties or any other social setting. No one can judge you as less or worse and hurt you with their opinions, unless you let them. You can choose to believe you still have the same value as they do. If you choose this though, you also have to give up judgment and stop seeing them as bad or worse. Can you do that? Can you give infinite, absolute value to everyone else? If you can you will at the same time choose it for yourself, and no one can hurt you with their opinions again.
2. Give up judgment of others and let them all have the same value as you
You may subconsciously like being in a place of judgment toward certain family members and like spending the holidays complaining about them. You may do this because placing blame on these “bad people” makes you feel superior in some way. If you have low self-esteem (and are afraid you aren’t good enough) blaming or judging others might be part of your coping strategy. Be honest with yourself. Is there an ego part of you that likes complaining and gossiping about this person? Or are you ready to change yourself to feel better?
3. Choose to see life as a classroom and your relatives as your perfect teachers
I believe the real purpose for our being on this planet is to learn and to grow and the most important lesson we are here to learn is to love ourselves and other people. If this is truth, it means every single thing that happens to you here is a lesson on learning to love at a deeper level.
It also means the annoying, hurtful, bossy, rude people in your life might be here to serve as teachers and bring your fears, defensiveness and weaknesses to the surface so you can work on them. It's really important you see your family as your perfect classroom. It's no accident that this person is in your life and you are in theirs. Think about that annoying relative and ask yourself how they could be the perfect teacher for you. Do they trigger a fear or insecurity that you need to work on? Do they inspire you to be different than how they are? In what way could they possibly be here to help you grow? When you see them as here to serve you, you might be less bothered and more compassionate toward them.
4. Everyone is in their own perfect classroom journey experience, learning different lessons from yours, but they still have the same value
This also helps you stay out of judgment and stop comparing your life with theirs. The lessons you need to learn are different from theirs, so your experiences and struggles will be different too. Allow them room to be a work in progress with much more to learn (just like you).
5. Ask yourself these questions to help process your feelings toward this annoying relative:
Do this because it’s the kind of person you’ve decided to be. Spend your time at the family party asking questions and listening to others. Show people you value them at the deepest level and see their infinite worth. The more you do this, the better you may feel about yourself.
During those family parties, remember no one can hurt or diminish you because your value is infinite and absolute. Don’t give anyone the power to take away your peace and joy.
You can do this.
Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert.
Coach Kim, would you consider a follow up article about what communication skills you are referring to in this article? And could you teach us more about what anger really is? It sounds like it isn’t what we think it is...
I have written many articles about how to have mutually validating conversations (a conversation where both parties leave feeling heard, honored and respected for their right to their perspective and ideas). Here is a link to some of them. The basics involve showing up for others and listening first, before asking them to listen to you. If you know how to do this, there are few conflicts you can’t work through.
On the subject of anger, there is more to understanding where it comes from and how to deal with it. When you (or someone else) becomes angry, you are actually having a fear problem. Though it doesn’t look like it on the outside and you won’t feel scared, as much as mad. But you are angry, because one of your two core fears have been triggered. When you are angry, it is either because you feel insulted (which means your fear of failure has been triggered) or you feel mistreated or taken from (which means your fear of loss has been triggered) or both.
All anger is based in one or both of these fears being triggered. Think about the last time you got angry with someone or at a situation. In what way did you feel threatened, mistreated or at risk? Did you feel you were made to look bad or told you were wrong or bad? Or was someone discourteous, rude or unkind to you? Anger always involves some kind of mistreatment or injustice, and these all trigger your core fears.
The interesting part is that the groundwork of fear that created a place for your anger was laid long before the offending event happened. If you didn’t already suffer from fear of failure and you weren’t already afraid you weren’t good enough, you wouldn’t feel insulted so easily. People who have rock solid self-esteem and see their intrinsic value as unchangeable, aren’t nearly as easy to offend with slights, insults or attacks. Their good self-worth makes them more bulletproof and less affected by fear triggers. You could insult them and they would probably just let it slide off.
The same goes for fear of loss. If you didn’t already feel unsafe in the world and see people as a threat, you wouldn’t be afraid of mistreatment or get defensive as easy. People, who see the universe as a wise teacher, providing perfect lessons, are more likely to see a personal growth opportunity in mistreatment. They are less often offended or angry.
When your journey brings you an anger experience, you can process the emotion (instead of reacting) and figure out what it is here for. If you choose to see life as a classroom (all about growth and becoming) then every experience is here to serve you in some way. Try some of the questions below to process your anger.
Choosing to see every anger experience as a chance to grow (instead of just mistreatment or insult), means you can turn every situation into a win. If this is hard to see because an offense is particularly painful, you may want to seek some professional help to work through it. Or make sure you read my forgiveness article from last week – it might also help.
You can do this.
This was first published on ksl.com
Some of those problems might make us feel insulted or like something is taken from us because of a subconscious fear of failure or loss. We may be afraid of looking bad or of being less than others and so it may seem like some people threaten our happiness.
The problem is, holding onto negative feelings toward other people doesn’t produce anything but pain, stress and unhappiness.
Forgiveness can be difficult, especially if you feel personally attacked, but you can learn to do it.
I often hear my clients say, “I’m not ready to forgive.” I believe that's an excuse people use when they either don’t want to forgive or can't articulate the real reason they don't want to forgive.
If you can identify the reason you don’t want to forgive, then you can work on getting past it. Some possible reasons people may not want to forgive are:
If you're still struggling with some of these principles, read my article about choosing to be upset and remember, you are in control of your thoughts and feelings. You don’t have to wait until you feel ready to forgive. You can choose to be ready.
You can do this.
Kimberly Giles is a corporate people skills trainer and coach. There are worksheets on forgiveness on her website and other resources and free assessments www.claritypointcoaching.com
This was first published on ksl.com
I was visiting with a good friend the other day and he finally admitted that his life has been really hard lately and he and his family are going through things I had no idea about. We talked about how often people are pretending to be OK and when you ask how they are they say “fine,” but they really aren’t fine at all. How can you get people to tell you the truth about what they are going through instead of always saying “fine”? Is there a good question I could ask people that would get to the truth and open them up?
It was author Brad Meltzer who said, “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.” And he is right, especially today, when many people are struggling with depression, anxiety, addiction, eating disorders or health problems. No family is immune from these kinds of serious challenges. You can assume everyone you know has something painful going on that they aren’t telling anyone about.
The reason we keep these challenges to ourselves could be that we fear judgment, criticism and looking bad. Some of us might not want to burden others with our heavy or dirty laundry, and we might not want pity or sympathy either. It just seems wiser and more practical to say we're "good."
If you want another person to open up and confide in you, then you are going to have to create a place that feels safe enough to do that. The other person has to know there will be no judgment and trust that you'll keep what they tell you confidential. They also have to know you won’t try to fix it or give them unsolicited advice, because that may not what they need.
What they might need is validation of their worth despite what they are going through. They may need validation about how tiring and difficult their challenge is and that it makes sense that they're struggling. They also have to know you will listen and not tell them what they should be doing differently.
Before you try to get another human to open up and tell you about their pain, you must be committed to honoring their right to be where they are and letting them know they still have absolute, infinite worth. You have to be prepared to validate without advising, fixing or giving them your take on the issue. In other words, it should stay about them, not about you.
Here's what I'd recommend saying when talking with a friend and have a hunch they aren't fine:
“If I could promise there would be no judgment and only unconditional love and support, would you be open to telling me about the hard stuff you and your family are going through? I promise I will just listen and be here. I’d really love to be that kind of friend to you.”
If they still don’t have anything to say, then that's OK. At least then they know if they ever do want a friend you are there. It sometimes helps if you are willing to open up and talk about some of your personal challenges, especially if you think they might be going through something similar. Your vulnerability and authenticity may encourage them to do the same.
If they do trust you enough to open up, then just listen. Don’t tell your story and how you got through. Don’t agree or disagree with anything they say (that would be making it about you). And don’t give advice or suggestions. One question that might help is, “What is the worst part for you?” When you ask that, you give them permission to go deeper and vocalize the depth of their pain.
If you really feel you can help and have some advice that could make a difference for them, ask for their permission to share it first. You could say something like, “Would you be open to a suggestion or idea around solving this? I don’t want to assume anything or infer that I know better, but if I had one bit of advice would you be open to it, or would it help you more if I just listen and be here?” In other words, give them a safe place to say “no thanks" if they choose.
You can do this.
Visit www.claritypointcoaching.com to learn more about Coach Kim Giles and take the Clarity Assessment, that helps you see where your fears and values are creating good and bad behavior in your life and relationships.
This was first published on ksl.com
It is the tendency to let differences create fear. Understanding this aspect of human behavior is critical to creating change in our world, and it's something you can start changing right now.
Here are three principles of human behavior that explain where hate comes from and how to change it:
1. When fear is triggered, we behave selfishly, in defense of ourselves
Many of my articles talk about how fear drives bad behavior because it makes us selfish and overly concerned with our own well-being (and less concerned about others). There are two core fears in play in every conflict or people problem.
The two core fears are the fear of failure (the fear of not being good enough) and the fear of loss (losing out or having our journey diminished in some way). Fear of loss includes fear of physical harm, mistreatment, disrespect or being burdened, while fear of failure includes being criticized, judged, dishonored or insulted. Conflict, racism, discrimination and hate can happen when people trigger any of these fears in us, though it may often be subtle and subconscious.
For example, if your spouse or friend has a different political view than you have, you could feel dishonored, disrespected or criticized for your view, and this could make you defensive and behave in a disrespectful way to them. This bad behavior comes from your fears of failure and loss being triggered.
Read more about fear here.
2. Differences create judgment
As human beings, we are hard-wired to subconsciously judge everything. When we see any differences, in any two things, we automatically assume one is better and the other worse. This is a core foundational belief, and it may affect your perspective every minute of every day.
Imagine walking into a room and there is one stranger you have never met in the room. The first thing that happens for both of you, at the subconscious level, is measuring, comparing and judging. We hate to admit this is true, but our subconscious minds are trying to determine where we fit.
Should we be intimidated or comfortable? Are we socially or economically above or below them? Are they friendly or cold? Are they part of “us” or part of “them”? All of this judging happens very quickly and is mostly subconscious.
We also do this in other aspects of our lives. If we cheer for the red football team and someone else cheers for blue, our subconscious mind, again, assumes that one is better and one is worse.
We seem to love dividing ourselves by differences. We divide our world into groups like political party, race, religion, sexual orientation, gender, school, neighborhood, hair color, clothes, even which soda we drink (Are you a Coke or Pepsi person?) or which sandwich spread we prefer (Are you a mayo or Miracle Whip person?). We look for differences everywhere and subconsciously find our way as the right one, and “them” as bad or less.
Take a minute and think about all the groups to which you belong — your race, religion, gender, nationality, neighborhood, school affiliation, profession, height, weight, hair color, etc. How often do you feel superior to the people who aren’t in your group?
This could be the beginnings of hate, and if we keep letting this subconscious tendency happen unchecked, it will create problems in our lives and relationships.
3. Differences trigger fear and create bad behavior
Because we are all subconsciously afraid of being insulted or taken from, when “they” gain any power, gain in numbers, influence, recognition, fame or in any way threaten to be more or better than “us,” we get afraid. We could be afraid of physical harm, mistreatment, disrespect, being burdened or taken from, criticized, dishonored or insulted. Feeling fear of these things can make us feel justified in protecting ourselves. These fearful feelings might even make us feel justified in being selfish, rude, disrespectful or even hateful toward another human being.
Think about the last time you felt mistreated by a company, restaurant or store. Did you feel at all justified to be angry, mean or harsh to their employee because you felt taken from? Do you see how fear of mistreatment can subconsciously justify bad behavior?
According to the New York Times, the gunman in the Pittsburgh synagogue shooting had expressed views online that Jewish people were the “enemy of white people.” He saw this particular group of people as a threat to his way of life. His fear of loss was triggered by "them," and he was afraid they would become more successful or more financially powerful than his group. His fear became so bad he even justified killing.
We cannot always influence other people and their fear issues, but we are responsible for ours. It is our responsibility to check ourselves for this tendency to see “us” and “them.”
You can start by watching for judgment and not seeing yourself as better than any other human being. This can start at home, by making sure you never cast your spouse or other family members as the bad or wrong one and talk down to them. Stop finding fault or judging other human beings for their choices, views or differences. Commit to seeing all human beings as having the exact same infinite value as you have.
You can do this.
Kimberly Giles is a speaker and coach and the creator behind the 12 Shapes Relationship System — helping to create a more tolerant world app.12shapes.com
This was first published on ksl.com
I’ve been traveling internationally recently and have had to communicate with many people who don't speak English. Some have given up trying to communicate the moment they realize we don’t speak the same language, while others refused to let the language barrier stop us from trying to understand each other. They act out certain words or look them up on their phones as we try to connect.
This experience has had me thinking about how often we struggle to communicate with others, even when we do speak the same language. We might struggle to understand someone who we are different from, grow frustrated, and give up.
To help with those communication barriers, I'm offering five unconventional suggestions that could help you better handle conversations and conflict with your spouse, friends, coworkers or relatives — especially when your differences make it hard to understand each other.
1. Make sure you treat the other person as an equal
While traveling, I watched many of my fellow travelers treat bellmen, waiters, and other local people as less than them. We might see this happen all around us, but we often miss the ways we do it to our own spouse, children, family members or co-workers.
When you approach a conversation from an elevated position, the other person can feel it and it may affect the quality of the interaction. The first step to improving your conversations is to check your importance and value scale. Make sure you speak to every person as an equal in value and importance. For instance, if you're mad at someone, keep in mind that you, too, make mistakes. When talking to them, treat them as an equal with the same value, no matter their mistakes or differences.
2. Honor and respect their right to be different
We must honor the fact the other people have had different upbringings, different teachers, different experiences, and a completely different classroom journey in life. It's no wonder they think differently and have different views. You must honor their right to have those views and to have their views respected. You don’t have to agree with them, but you should be willing to hear them — without judgment — if you want to improve your conversations.
When your family members or coworkers, think differently, try asking questions and listening without agreeing or disagreeing because both make the conversation about you and not them. Instead, do try to respect their right to their feelings and opinions and don’t be so quick to share your views. Be a patient listener. This shows people you value them as they are and, in this case, they will be much more open to communicating with you.
3. Stay interested and curious
When traveling abroad, you can’t help but notice all of the differences. And when you notice those difference, comparison might start to occur. When you start comparing, you are quick to subconsciously see foreign ways as either better or worse than your way. This is human nature, but it leads to judgment and not appreciation, tolerance, or true exploring of the different way.
Instead, approach every difference from a place of curiosity about what you could learn from the other person. Ask more questions and truly listen. Become someone who spends more time listening than talking, and your conversations will become rich and connected. You can still hold to your beliefs and opinions while you also connect in a respectful way with others.
4. Be respectful and courteous
Courtesy is a universal language and you feel it every time someone holds the door open for you, says sorry when they bump into you, or covers their mouth when they sneeze. It is respectful, considerate, polite behavior and should be the hallmark of our interactions with others.
Unfortunately, we are often more courteous to strangers than we are to family and friends. Are you as courteous to the people you live with? Do you make sure you are courteous to strangers? Being courteous creates friendship and connection before a word is even said. When we do this at all times, our conversations are more authentic and caring.
5. Remember: Positivity and humor break down walls
Humor can be the fastest way to connect to someone who speaks another language. Doing something silly might break that ice and connect you faster than anything else. I once signed up for a river rafting excursion in India, not knowing that in their culture, this activity is traditionally only for men. The men on our raft did not seem happy to have two ladies aboard. It was awkward and uncomfortable, at first, because everyone’s walls were up. But that changed the moment we started splashing the men with our paddles and they realized the water fight was on. Fun, humor and positivity make quick friends and start wonderful connections.
You can do this.
Kimberly Giles and Nicole Cunningham are the authors of the 12 Shapes Relationship System - get the app today, take the quiz, invite friends and learn about your shape at - app.12shapes.com
This was first published on KSL.com
I get along with everyone, but there is this one person at work, who doesn’t like me at all, and I literally can’t stand being around her now. Everything I say or do brings a look or comment from her. She is rude, arrogant and tacky. She insults me and makes it very clear she doesn’t like me, and this situation is making work miserable. What do you do when there is one person who doesn’t like you at all, but you have to deal with them every day?
The short answer to this question is don’t let it bug you. Whatever their problem is, it is probably not really about you and it doesn’t mean much that this one human doesn’t like you. You are still the same you with the same infinite value, no matter what one person thinks, but I would like to give you eight suggestions that might help you be less bothered.
1. We are all different and won’t click with everyone
Throughout your life, there will be people who immediately like you and your personalities just click, and also people with whom you don’t click. This is true for all of us all the time, so it’s OK if someone doesn't like you. It’s just a fact of life.
2. Don’t let this person see they are getting to you — by not letting them get to you
They may enjoy this game more if they know it’s bothering you. The most important thing is don’t make the game fun for them. Treat them the same way you treat everyone else and don’t avoid them or antagonize them in any way. Remember, all humans have the exact same value and nothing anyone thinks about you can change yours. If we all have the same value and it can’t change, there is nothing to fear from anyone.
3. Remember what people think of you doesn’t mean anything
Their opinions are just thoughts they created in their heads. They are not necessarily the truth and they have no power unless you give them the power to bother you.
4. Look for projection
Projection happens when someone projects how they feel about themselves onto you. Ask yourself, does this person really not like me, or do they not like themselves and are just projecting those feelings onto me? Is there any chance this person has some fear of failure in play and are afraid they aren’t good enough that they have to subconsciously look for (and focus on) negative feelings toward me to make themselves feel better? People who really like themselves and have healthy self-esteem generally get along with most people. If this person doesn’t get along with everyone, they may not like themselves.
5. Are you triggering their fear of failure?
Is this person afraid they aren’t good enough on some level and is there something about you that triggers this fear in them? Do they struggle with their weight, while you don’t? Do they struggle with writing, while you find it easy and are recognized for it? Is there something about you that makes them feel unsafe or less than? I am not suggesting you play this down or quit being who you are, but if you can see what’s happening accurately you might understand this problem is about their fears about themselves and not about you.
6. Show them you like them
People generally like people who like them and dislike people they think dislike them. So, make an extra effort to show this person you appreciate who they are and what they do. Pay compliments and show them you see their value. Often, this kind, reassuring behavior could turn their reaction to you around fast.
7. Read about the three types of relationships from this article (even though it’s about marriage it applies to all relationships).
See if you can identify the fear issue in play with you and this person. Are they fear of failure or loss dominant and which are you? This can help you to see the relationship in a whole new light.
8. Read this article about the four different value systems and see if you can tell which you have and which they have
Understanding what they value most might help you understand their behavior and why they may react negatively to yours. For example, if they value ideas and principles most while you value people most, then they might think you are too social or too talkative and that might bother them. Or maybe they value tasks most and you value things most. This could mean they don’t like how much you care about something like fashion because they don’t think it’s important at all. Again, you shouldn’t change who you are but you should be aware of what they think is important and honor their right to think that way.
Our values and our fears highly influence who we like and connect with. Understanding another person’s value system and dominant fear will really help you understand their behavior. In my opinion, fears and value are the main drivers of human behavior, and when we get another person at this level we will have more compassion and tolerance for their quirkiness.
Try to appreciate the good in this person and love them despite their quirks. Remember, their ideas and thoughts don’t mean anything or change your value, so there is nothing to fear here.
You can do this.
Kimberly Giles is the president of www.app.12shapes.com and is a human behavior expert, author and speaker. She provides corporate training on her 12 shapes relationship system and solves your people problems.
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These articles were originally published on KSL.COM
Kimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio.