Question:

I loved your article about manipulation, but you mentioned that good personal boundaries are important in a healthy relationship. Could you explain that in more detail? What do good personal boundaries look like? How do I know if my relationship is healthy?

Answer:

I am so glad you asked this question, because a lot of people have boundary issues, especially if at any time in your childhood you experienced abuse (of any kind), teasing or any other experience forced upon you. You may subconsciously feel that you can’t say no, set limits or demand better treatment. You may feel you have to take what you get. You may have lost your voice.

When this happens, you may accept inappropriate behavior from others. You may allow someone to make decisions for you. You may feel forced into situations you don’t want to be in. You may have trouble saying no. You may betray your own needs to get approval or love. The problem is that your weak boundaries don't make people love you, they make people lose respect for you.

So, you must constantly evaluate your relationships to make sure they are healthy. Is there room in this relationship for both parties to be themselves and be honored as individuals? Deborah Day said, “Evaluating the benefits and drawbacks of any relationship is your responsibility. You do not have to passively accept what is brought to you. You can choose.” I second this. You should never feel stuck with what you are getting. If you aren’t happy, it is your responsibility to explore those feelings and figure out what’s not working for you.

You may need to create some healthy boundaries (limits or rules) to protect yourself from unacceptable behavior. Brainstorm each of these four ideas on a piece of scratch paper and come up with some rules that would honor your rights and needs. Think about ways you have been hurt in the past. What rules might have protected you? (I have included some example boundaries — but you must brainstorm the boundaries needed in your situation.)

People may not …

• Invade my personal space.
• Force me to do something I’m not comfortable with.
• Tell me what I should believe, think or feel about anything.
• Speak to me in a disrespectful way. They can come back when they can communicate in a respectful way.
• Hold me down, tickle me, get physical or touch me without my permission.

I have the right to ask for …

• Time to get clarity and think something through before responding.
• Space to do the things I enjoy.
• Help when I need it.
• To be treated like a lady. This means I expect a man to open doors, pay for dinner and let me order first. I do not go on second dates with men who don’t treat me this way.

To protect myself I won’t …

• Lend money (or anything else) unless I can give it as a gift and not expect it back. If I can’t afford to give it away, I don’t lend it.
• Share personal information I’m not comfortable sharing. I can politely refuse to answer any question or give short simple answers. I have the right to privacy.
• Take responsibility for how others choose to feel.
• Carry responsibility for other people’s choices.

To protect myself I will …

• Insist that others speak to me in a respectful way.
• Have a policy to give myself overnight to think about a purchase before I buy anything expensive. I will do this so I cannot be pressured by salesmen.
• Say no and not let people manipulate me with guilt.

You will know what your personal boundaries need to be. Then, you get to enforce them by simply stating them in a calm yet assertive and direct voice, over and over (and not bending) until the person gets it.

You can go overboard with boundaries though and get overly protective of yourself. This is also unhealthy in relationships. If your entire focus is on protecting yourself, you won’t give enough love to keep your relationship alive. We are going for balance.

Remember, enforcing boundaries is not about saying you are more important that other people. It is about saying you are as important as other people. You only expect to be treated the way you will also treat others. This is about giving and taking. It is about respecting and caring for yourself and your partner too.

In a healthy relationship both parties have varied interests and give each other room to be who they are. They honor and respect each other’s opinions, even when they are different.

Good boundaries prevent you from becoming too dependent on (or melded into) the other person. You want the person in your life, because you care about and respect that person, but you don’t need him or her. In a healthy relationship, you don’t depend on the other person for your self-esteem.

If you have low self-esteem, and do not have a clear sense of “who you are” and your infinite absolute value, you will often let other people define you, determine your interests, and even your thoughts and emotions. If you struggle with low self-esteem, being pushed around or walked on, you may need to do some work with a coach or counselor to get your power back.

Becoming a stronger person with good boundaries will either be the end of your unhealthy relationship or the beginning of a more healthy one. A healthy partner will respect (and even like) your independence and confidence.

This is the bottom line, “You determine your value and teach the world how to treat you.”

If you don’t protect, defend and care for yourself, you will attract people into your life who don’t do those things either. Real love has to start with a love for self. If you don’t love yourself, then you aren’t capable of a healthy relationship.

That is why the best thing you can do for your relationship is to work on you.

Hope that brings some clarity. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a life coach and speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

I was having a conversation with my ill husband yesterday about all the challenges in our life and feeling defeated. For the first time in my life ... I feel utterly defeated. How would you address this kind of despair with a non-religious person?

Answer:

I am so sorry that you have been dealt such a tough hand. I do have some advice and I know it can help, but is it going to require you to stretch a bit.

The one thing you absolutely must know is that “despair is optional” even when things are really bad. You have the power to change how you feel about this situation. If you choose to claim that power. You don’t have to experience this situation in a negative, defeated and painful way — even though it seems logical and justified to do so.

Despair, defeat and discouragement are choices and there are other options.

(A lot of people are resistant to this idea, though. Every time I talk about this principle, someone leaves a comment saying Coach Kim obviously doesn’t “get it” because it’s not that easy.)

I agree that it’s not necessarily easy, but it is possible. I could also tell you some of the difficult experiences I’ve been through to prove to you that I do “get it” but you may still not believe me. So, take it from Viktor Frankl who survived being a prisoner in concentration camps during World War II. He knows about suffering better than any of us, and he agrees with me. 

Frankl believed you could choose a positive mindset and find meaning in a situation, and that in choosing this you might literally suffer less. In his book, "A Man’s Search for Meaning," Frankl said to find this meaning you must figure out what your unique life challenges are asking of you. What are they here to teach you? How could they serve you, other people or the world?

He said, “I can see beyond the misery of the situation to the potential for discovering a meaning behind it, and thus to turn an apparently meaningless suffering, into a genuine human achievement.” He continued, “There are no tragic, negative aspects which could not be, by the stand one takes to them, transmuted into positive accomplishments.”

He believed that every challenge or trial could be turned into an accomplishment, by simply choosing a positive perspective around it. Let me give you an example. An old man was suffering with great depression because his wife had passed away leaving him alone.

Dr. Frankl asked him what would have happened if he had been the one to die first, and his wife had been here alone.

He replied that she would have suffered greatly. She would have been even more miserable than he was.

Dr. Frankl then asked this man to imagine that he had volunteered to stay here on Earth alone, to spare his wife that suffering. Would that idea change how he felt about his situation?

It did, because now there was purpose and meaning to his suffering.

When it means something, it is easier to bear.

I battle chronic pain on a daily basis. I choose to believe this pain is serving me, because it gives me empathy and helps me connect with other people. It makes me a better coach.

You can choose to see your situation in a positive way, too. You can decide to let it shape your character and give you compassion. You can use it to make you stronger, wiser and more loving. You can use it to teach those around you how to be positive in spite of difficulties.

Or you can choose depression and defeat. It is totally up to you.

Please understand that making this choice is not about positive thinking or mind over matter — it’s about logic and common sense. If you get to choose your mindset and one option will make you more miserable, and the other less miserable, isn’t it just common sense to choose less misery?

Whenever I find myself feeling defeated, I take a minute and let myself experience the feeling. Then I decide between two choices. I can continue to think “I can’t help feeling this way,” or I can replace it with, “I don’t have to feel this way.”

Which mindset serves you more?

Get out some paper and write down your mindset options. You could choose to be angry, defeated, bitter, jealous, depressed or hopeless. You could also choose to trust there is a reason this experience showed up in your life. You could choose to be determined, optimistic, loving, wise and resolute. Then, write down the results each mindset would create in your life.

Then, decide who you want to be.

Frankl would often ask his patients to imagine themselves at the end of their life looking back at this moment. “How do you want this next chapter to play out?”

The answer is usually behavior you could be proud of.

I know telling you to dig deeper inside yourself, choose a positive mindset and turn your struggles into a human achievement may not be what you wanted to hear, but you can do it.

If it feels impossible, you may want to work with a counselor or coach to help you overcome the subconscious fears that are pulling you back into despair on a daily basis. The library is also full of books that teach you how to turn suffering into a positive, and the more positive material you expose yourself to, the easier it will become.

You ought to read "Man’s Search for Meaning" if you haven’t read it.

Hope this helps. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

I loved your article on self-sacrifice and I’m trying to take care of myself, but my boyfriend doesn't want me to stand up for myself. When I do, he says I don't really want him in my life anymore. He thinks I’m a mean, selfish person if I get bothered with how I’m treated. Do you have any advice on how to actually transform this relationship?

Answer:

Your boyfriend is using guilt to manipulate you. So, I’d like to explain how you recognize manipulation and give you some ideas for getting out of or dealing with this person.

Here are some common signs you might be in a manipulative relationship (either with a parent, child or significant other):

Do you have self-esteem issues? Are you a kind person but also a little bit naïve? Manipulators are subconsciously drawn to people pleasers with low self-esteem because they are easily pushed around.

Does this person use guilt to make you do things you don't want to do?

Does it seem like every argument ends with you being at fault?

Does this person trigger your emotions and then get mad at you for being emotional?

Manipulators often figure out what character traits are important to you and then use them to push your buttons and control you. It sounds like your boyfriend knows you are afraid of being seen as selfish or mean, so he is using your desire to be a good person to manipulate you.

Does this person do nice things for you and then make you feel obligated and/or guilty because of them?

Do you have to keep some things secret and even occasionally lie to this person to protect yourself?

Does this person get offended easily? Are you often walking on egg shells worried about doing or saying the wrong thing?

Does this person discourage your friendships with other people?

Does this person call you repeatedly to find out where you are or what you are doing? Often manipulators are controlling.

Does this person criticize your plans or goals and squash your dreams?

Are they loving one day and cold the next ?

Do they often blame you for how they feel?

Are you frustrated and sad more than you're happy in this relationship? Have you tried to break it off numerous times?

If these questions are striking a cord, it’s safe to say you are in a manipulative relationship (also remember that manipulation can happen with a parent, a sibling or friend, too.)

Here are some suggestions for dealing with this person:

1) If this is a friend or romantic interest, you might want to at least consider ending this relationship post haste. It is highly unlikely that this person is going to change (unless this person agrees to some serious professional help, which most manipulators don’t think they need). It is best to deliver this news quickly and leave the premises so you cannot be manipulated and pulled back in. Sometimes it is best to break these relationships off by email or text to avoid further manipulation.

2) If you decide to end this relationship, you are going to need a good support system to stand by you, and in some cases protect you from conversations with this person. You have the right to refuse to talk about it.

3) You must recognize that your low self-esteem is partly responsible for this situation. You may want to get some professional help from a counselor or coach to work on your self-image. You must learn to see yourself as bulletproof and refuse to let other people determine your value. You are a one-of-a-kind, amazing, irreplaceable being and nothing anyone says or does can diminish you.

4) If this person gets angry and tries to retaliate in any way, do not react or even respond. Let it go and move forward with your life (or in some cases you may need a restraining order).

5) You are also going to need to grow a back bone and establish some boundaries. If this person is a parent or sibling, you can’t break up with them. So, you must have clearly defined boundaries and a strategy for enforcing them. Then you calmly repeat these boundaries over and over until they get it. You won’t be pushed around anymore.

6) You must stop caring what other people think of you (even your relatives). What they think is irrelevant and cannot affect, change or diminish you. They cannot hurt you without your permission.

Make it your official policy that it doesn’t matter what this person thinks of you.

Harriet Braiker wrote a book called “Who’s Pulling Your Strings?” In it she said, “If you are an approval addict, your behavior is as easy to control as that of any other junkie. All a manipulator need do is a simple two-step process: Give you what you crave, and then threaten to take it away. Every drug dealer in the world plays this game.”

You have got to quit playing this game with this person. You must figure out who you are and not let other people tell you different. When you let go of your need for approval and claim the power to determine your value and character, you will be free and invincible.

If this is proving difficult, I highly recommend some professional help.

Hope this helps. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a life coach and speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

I have to give a big talk at work, which could literally make or break my career. In the past, I have had a hard time speaking in front of people without getting nervous and showing it. Hence I’m experiencing some serious anxiety about this. Do you have any advice on how to calm down and speak to a group without fear?

Answer:

You are nervous because of your two core fears: failure and loss. You are afraid of looking bad and being judged by other people (the fear of failure), and you are nervous because you don’t want to lose opportunities or respect if you aren’t good enough.

The best way to beat these fears is to choose a mindset that eliminates them. You can choose to believe there is nothing to fear, because you can’t really lose or fail. Let me explain how:

1. You can choose to believe you are the same you, with the same value, no matter how this presentation (or performance) turns out. You can choose to believe that your value is infinite and absolute. This means that no situation or experience can change it. You are an irreplaceable, one-of-a-kind soul and your value is based on this fact alone. Every experience you have, is in your life to teach you something, but these experiences cannot and do not change your value. No matter what happens on that stage, you will have the same infinite value at the end of it. Your value is not on the line.

2. You can choose to believe what other people think of you is irrelevant. It does not matter what they think. It does not change you or diminish you in any way. At the end of this talk you will still be the same you. Their opinions are just thoughts and they don’t mean anything or do anything. (I realize their opinions could affect your career but even that doesn't change your infinite value.) You must let go of needing their approval and go forward to do your best, show up with kindness and work hard. If you do this, at the end of the day, people will respect you even if you fail or mess up on occasion. It is will also make you less nervous if you don't care.

3. You can choose to trust your journey and the process of life, that this presentation will always go exactly as it is meant to go. You can trust that your life is always the perfect classroom journey for you. So, if your next perfect lesson is to nail this speech and win everyone over, then you will. If your next perfect lesson is to struggle through the talk and not impress them, then there is a reason you needed this experience. Maybe you needed the opportunity to experience disappointment or shame and be reminded what those emotions feel like. Maybe you needed to gain empathy for other people who struggle or maybe this experience will give you a chance to practice trusting that your value is absolute. No matter what happens, this experience will serve you — no matter how it turns out. Life is on your side. It is a process designed to serve you and help you grow. It is not out to get you or crush you.

If you trust the process of life, there is nothing to fear.

(Every time I teach these principles, though, someone leaves a comment saying that I’m delusional and have my head in the clouds to see life this way. If you have this reaction, I encourage you to keep an open mind, step back and imagine what this perspective might feel like, if you chose to see life this way. I promise you, it will make a huge difference.)

Here are a couple other suggestions that will help:

Get the focus off you. This presentation is about the message — it is not about you. Work on having great content and highlighting the message. Then, take a minute and think about the audience. Who are they? What do they need? How can you serve them? Remember that you are here to give to them. You are not here to prove your own value or make yourself look good. This is not about you impressing them, it is about giving to them in the best way you can. The more you focus on other people the less nervous you will be.

Remember your audience understands your fears because they have the same ones.Everyone in that room is afraid of failure and loss. They are nervous when they speak to a group, too. Because of this, they are more forgiving and understanding than you might think. Take a minute and choose to see them as the same as you — struggling, scared human beings in the classroom of life.

Dale Carnegie, in his book “The Art of Public Speaking,” explains that if you want to be good at speaking and overcome your fears, you must do it as frequently as you can. The more you do it, the easier it will become. “You can never attain freedom from stage-fright by reading a treatise. A book may give you excellent suggestions on how best to conduct yourself in the water, but sooner or later you must get wet, perhaps even strangle and be ‘half scared to death.’ There are a great many ‘wetless’ bathing suits worn at the seashore, but no one ever learns to swim in them. To plunge is the only way.”

Trust that giving this speech will make you better, stronger and smarter. It is showing up in your journey to help you grow. Jump in fearlessly (because there is really nothing to fear) and serve those people the best way you can.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.