Question:

My husband is atheist and believes that religion is limiting to the human experience. I have a deeply-rooted belief in God and believe that faith and religious participation are crucial to what it means to be human. However, we have four children and we cannot agree on how to raise them. We want him to have an equal voice in our children’s upbringing, but we do not know how to accomplish this without 1) compromising our separate viewpoints, 2) confusing and upsetting our children, and 3) creating division in our family. We would love to hear your ideas and suggestions. Surely, there are other couples and families in our community who also deal with similar difficult situations.

Answer:

This is a tough one.

The problem with religious beliefs is that we tend to see ours as the truth. Therefore, we have a hard time being flexible or compromising around these beliefs. Most people cannot stay neutral regarding what is “best” or “true” (in their opinion). It is very difficult to honor another person’s opposing viewpoint without, in some way, casting them as wrong. This can be confusing for children who hear different perspectives.

To make this work, you must be able to share your own beliefs, while at the same time giving your spouse’s beliefs equal weight and validity. Because religion is a strongly-held and emotional experience for most people, this is hard to do. It will require a great deal of wisdom on your part.

You will also have to overcome the fear your own religion may encourage around validating any other beliefs. If your religious teachings are based on the fact that there is only one truth (and everyone else is wrong), this can be a challenge. You must know (without a doubt in your heart) that God loves all his children no matter what they believe. You must know that God understands your situation and will bless your children no matter what.

You will have to set down any fear you have about your children choosing to believe differently than you do (especially if that means not believing in God). You will have to give them genuine and real permission to choose either set of beliefs or another set of beliefs altogether, without any disappointment or grief from you. You will have to honor their right — and everyone else's right — to believe their version of truth and love them no matter what they decide.

(I’ll bet you already figured that part out.)

The good news, for you, is that most atheists teach the same moral principles to their children as religious people do, they just don’t use commands from God as the motivation for that behavior. They teach children to behave correctly because it’s the right thing to do, and this can actually be beneficial. They can learn to make good choices about health and relationships for more personal reasons.

Your children will grow up to be great people either way. I can tell you this because some of my children don’t share my beliefs but they are the most generous, kind, good people you will ever meet and I couldn’t be more proud of them.

Here are a couple of other suggestions that may help:

• Let children freely choose which services they would like to attend or if they want to attend any at all. Don’t use any guilt, bribes or fear to manipulate their behavior. If guilt or fear are used to encourage religious beliefs, your children will resent it, and they may lose respect for you and your religion.
• Expose your children to other religious beliefs beyond the two. I believe that children who are exposed to multiple religions have a deeper understanding of religion and the role it plays in life. They are forced to ask more questions and to more deeply examine what they believe than children who are only exposed to one set of beliefs. Children often come out with more faith because they understand the whole picture in a deeper way.
• Emphasize the commonalities among religions. Show your children the beautiful truths that show up in every religion and set of moral beliefs. These are the most important principles anyway: love, treating others with respect and kindness, service, and charity. Teach them good health practices and proper relationship skills and teach this good behavior without labeling it as coming from any specific religion.
• Maintain a sense of balance between the parents. Children should not see one parent or set of beliefs as less than the other. One spouse cannot be made to seem misguided or wrong in any way. This means speaking about your spouse’s belief system with the same respect you speak of your own.
• Answer every question in a calm, unemotional way. Use phrases like, "Well, some people believe this and some believe that." Don’t get overly emotional when you talk about your own beliefs. Stay calm and peaceful when answering all questions.
• Use religious differences to teach acceptance. Teaching both parents' religious beliefs is better than just one because it helps children feel connected to and accepted by both sides of the family. Make sure that you celebrate events with both families and take turns.
• Most importantly, don’t experience fear around this situation. The truth is, children who are taught more than one religious perspective have a greater understanding of the world, politics, history and culture. They have more compassion and empathy for people who are different. They have more tolerance and respect for others. They often become wise people who think for themselves, and this will serve them in life.

Remember, all people have the right to decide for themselves what they believe. Your most important job is to teach your children to listen to their own heart for guidance and trust what they feel. They are the best source they have for knowing truth. Truth will always manifest itself to them, if they learn to listen.

Teaching children to do this prepares them to guide their own life in a responsible and powerful way.

I hope these ideas help. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in Clarity: seeing yourself, others and situations accurately.

Question:

About nine months ago, my parents and my spouse got in a huge fight. They haven't really spoken since. There were hurtful things said on both sides. Now he will not let my parents see our kids. It is very hard for me because I am in the middle. I don't know how to fix this. Can you offer any advice?

Answer:

There are things you can do to mend this relationship, but not unless your spouse or parents want to fix it. They must be ready to mend this fence. If they aren’t ready, you must be patient.

Or you could have them read this article.

If you have been offended by a family member, you must see that staying mad isn’t serving you. It may feel like holding a grudge protects you from further mistreatment, but holding this grudge is hurting you now.

It is time to be the grown-up and let go of your need to be right. It is time to put your ego and pride away and choose love. You can fix this mess by being the wise, loving adult you really are.

You can actually change how you feel about this person and this situation and find the strength to forgive.

Here are some ideas that might help: 

1. Make sure you see the other person and the situation accurately. Life is a classroom and we are all students here. It doesn’t matter how old someone is, they are still in the process of learning and growing. You must give them permission to be flawed, make mistakes and even be thoughtless on occasion. To expect anything less would be unrealistic. We are all going to make mistakes; it's part of the learning process. You are going to make some, too. When you understand this, you will see the situation accurately and have more compassion.

2. You must see that everyone is driven by a fear that they might not be good enough. This fear is behind most of their bad behavior. When other people mistreat you, it’s usually not about you. It’s about their fears about themselves.

See if you can identify what the other person’s fears are and why they might have behaved the way they did. What are they experiencing that is driving their behavior? Can you understand it? Can you put yourself in their shoes? Write down an accurate description of the other person. This will bring more compassion and accuracy into the situation.

3. Determine if this person is a toxic personality. If they really are, it makes sense to avoid them. Here are some questions to ask: Are they intentionally mean and spiteful? Are they irrational and illogical? Are they selfish and not interested in changing or improving? Are they, for some reason outside of their control, incapable of better behavior?

If you said yes to any of these questions you may be dealing with someone who is toxic. These people are not going to change and you will always be unsafe around them. In this case, it may be appropriate to stay away from them.

If they are not any of those things, you need to get accurate about who they are, get accurate about who you are, and learn to forgive. You must give rational, good intentioned but imperfect people a chance to behave better. They deserve forgiveness and another chance.

4. Write down the behavior you want to see in the other person in the future. You cannot ask the other person for an admission of guilt around past mistakes. You must let the past stay in the past and instead focus on their future behavior.

The truth is, you both behaved badly in the past. Spending time figuring out who was bad first or whose bad was worse is a waste of time. You are both struggling, scared human beings in the process of learning and growing. You both make mistakes and behave badly on occasion. No one is the bad guy, you are both the same. Let go of the past and write down how you would like to be treated from now on.

5. Write down how you commit to behave differently in the future. You must own your bad reactions, your fears and your unkind, impatient or judgmental behavior. You must write down exactly how you could be more wise, mature and loving in the future toward them.

Remember that forgiveness is about giving other people permission to be less than perfect, because you are less than perfect too. When you choose forgiveness, you are doing it for you so you can feel peace and escape the pain this situation created in your life.

When you have figured out how you will behave in the future and how you want them to behave in the future, you are ready to approach them.

Ask permission to speak with them. Make sure you are approaching them with love and are seeing them as the same as you (not better or worse). Choose to see the good in them and understand their fears.

Let them know that you have forgiven the past and want to start over. Tell them how you are going to commit to behave (though they should not expect perfection) and ask them if they might be willing to treat you differently in the future (and that you won't expect perfection, either).

Be the wise, mature, strong and loving adult you really are.

You can do this.

If neither party is willing to read the article or take these steps, you may want to get some professional help. A counselor or coach could help you to see the situation more accurately and learn to forgive. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in Clarity: seeing yourself, others and situations accurately.

Question:

I guess I have issues with communication. I try to be a nice person and let things go, but after a while of being treated badly I explode and let the person have it. I don’t like how I handle these things but don’t know a better way. How can I handle conversations better?

Answer:

You can learn to see these situations more accurately and speak your truth in a loving way, up front, right when things bother you.

Seeing situations accurately means knowing when to forgive and let things go, and when issues need to be brought up and dealt with. Gaining clarity and seeing these situations accurately is not hard. You just need to understand some truths about human nature.

Here are 10 points to improve your relationship skills.

1. You are not being “nice” when you let offenses go. You are being scared. You are afraid you aren't good enough and are willing to betray yourself to gain approval from others. You may not be bringing these issues up, but you are not forgiving them and letting them go, either. You are holding onto them and they are building resentment toward other people. These offenses will fester until you either get sick or explode, and neither will be a very pleasant experience.
2. Your “nice” behavior is really a subconscious program of fear that started when you were a child. This fear says it’s always safer to stay quiet. This program is not serving you as an adult. You must learn to speak your truth and do it in a loving way.
3. Most bad behavior (toward you from other people) is not really about you. It is about their fears about their own value. This means most bad behavior is a plea for love and validation. When you see behavior this way, you can handle the person and the conversation in a way that validates both of you.
4. Your value is infinite and absolute. Nothing anyone does, says or thinks about you can change your value or diminish who you are. Given this truth, could you forgive this person and give them permission to be a work in progress? They are doing the best they can with what they know, they just don’t know very much. Could you really let it go?
5. If you can’t truly let it go, and it’s going to continue to bother you, then it is more loving to bring it up.
6. You must bring this up (meaning, talk about it) from a place of love for yourself and the other person. This cannot be about making them the bad guy or proving you’re right. It has to be about improving your relationship and honoring and respecting both your feelings and your right to be a work in progress. It must be a mutually validating conversation that creates a win-win outcome. You must handle this conversation with love and compassion toward the other person.
7. Figure out the end result you want to come from this conversation ahead of time, so you don’t lose sight of your end goal. Focus the conversation on the behavior you want to see moving forward, not on rehashing and condemning their past behavior. This will prevent the other person from getting defensive. Most people are willing to change their behavior, but this can’t happen if you don’t speak up.
8. Always ask questions and listen to their thoughts and feelings first, then they will be more open to hearing yours.
9. Before you speak your truth, ask permission to do so. This shows the other person you honor and respect them and it creates a safer place for you to be heard and understood. Here are some examples of permission questions: “Would you be willing to let me share some of my feelings about this? Would you be willing to let me finish what I have to say before responding? Would you be open to some feedback, even if it’s hard to hear? Do you know I care about you and want us to have a good relationship?”
10. Give people some time to process your truth. Don’t react to their first reaction. Let them sit with your truth a while and process their feelings about it. You must let them experience this situation the way they choose to. Their life is their perfect classroom (the right one for them), and this experience is in their life for a perfect reason. You must speak your truth in a loving way, and leave the rest on their shoulders.

Remember, every time you speak to anyone, their fears of not being good enough are going to show up. You must tread very carefully here. You are dealing with a person’s self-esteem. This is sacred ground. Treat them as you would like to be treated.

You will find that as you practice this and speak your truth more often, people will actually respect you and like you more. People would rather hear the truth than a “nice” response which isn’t truth.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in Clarity: seeing yourself, others and situations accurately.

Question:

Great column last week on teaching children to be kind, but how do you teach this sort of thing to adults? I have family members who love to rave about the "idiots" in the world. They don't see how much they judge others, and they do a lot of joking at others' expense. It's very upsetting to me. What can I do to encourage them to be kinder?

Answer:

There are some things you can do to encourage kinder behavior from adults, but you have to be careful how you do it. You don’t want to judge them for judging others, or you’re just as bad as they are.

First, you must make sure you are seeing these people and the situation accurately. If you check yourself for accuracy first, your response will always be based in truth.

Second, you can encourage compassion and kindness in others using the "Sneaky Method" — the only way to encourage change in other people. (I’ll explain what that is below.)

Here are four ways to make sure you are seeing this situation clearly:

1. Remember we are all struggling, scared human beings in the classroom of life. This means giving other people permission to be flawed and behave badly at times. We are all growing and learning, and you are not perfect either. Make sure you see other people as the same as you. Just because they are struggling with this issue doesn't make you better than them.
2. Remember that your value isn’t on the line, and either is theirs. Life is a classroom, not a testing center. You and these other people are both in the process of learning and growing. This process is a safe one because your value is already set and is based on your irreplaceable, incomparable value. Nothing this person thinks or says changes a person's value.
3. Remember that fear (of not being good enough) is behind most bad behavior. People say mean things about other people for one reason: It makes them feel superior. If they can make someone else seem worse, they feel a little better. This is a subconscious program, so they are not aware of it. When you can see the insecurity behind their behavior, you will have more compassion for it.
4. Remember that all bad behavior is a request for love. People who gossip about others are in desperate need of validation. Their fear about not being good enough is driving their behavior. They need love and validation more than anything else. Although this behavior makes it hard to love them, but love is what they need.

Once you can see the situation accurately for what it really is, you are ready to respond. Here are some suggestions for handling these situations with love.

1. Whenever possible, ignore bad behavior. You can simply leave the room and refuse to join in gossip-based conversations. Set a good example and make sure you never start gossip-based conversations yourself.
2. Change the topic by asking a question. You have the power to steer a conversation in a more positive direction.
3. Do not accuse or confront those who participate in gossip. This would make them feel small, which is not the goal. The goal is to help them become their highest, best self. The best way to do that is through encouragement.
4. Motivate others to want to change their behavior by recognizing the best in them. This is where the "Sneaky Method" comes into play.

Here is how the "Sneaky Method" works:

Look for an opportunity to thank this person for being such a kind and compassionate person. Tell them how much you appreciate that you never hear them say an unkind word about anyone, and how much you admire that.

You should only have to say this once or twice and this person will not gossip in your presence again. (They may stop gossiping completely.) This works because people want to live up to your highest opinion of them.

People are more motivated to change themselves when you see good in them than they are when you point out their flaws or mistakes.

When you project positive onto a person, you shove them in that direction. This approach almost always works.

Encouragement and love are the best way to help people change.

Hope that helps. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes Clarity: seeing yourself, others and situations accurately.

Question:

How can I teach my children to be kind to people who are different from us? I am noticing a tendency to put down or find fault in others, in order to feel “better” about themselves. My son may in fact be a bully. I’m not sure how this started in our family, but could you give us some advice for changing it?

Answer:

You are battling a subconscious tendency we all have to divide ourselves from other people and see them as the enemy. We all have a tendency to see other people as the bad guys and ourselves as they good guys. It doesn’t even matter what the criteria of division is; we latch onto anything that sets us apart as better or smarter than others.

We divide ourselves into Republican vs. Democrat, black vs. white, gay vs. straight, and more. Our personal tates and preferences are even used to divide us: Coke people vs. Pepsi people, Mac people vs. PC people, mayo people versus vs. whip people, and even Team Edward vs. Team Jacob.

We create these divisions by choosing an enemy (someone or something to fight against). If we can find another group of people to make the bad guys, that makes us the good guys, right?

This fear-based tendency is the root cause of most of the problems on the planet. War, racism, prejudice, gossip, backbiting and bullying all come from our ego’s need to think we are better than other people. Most of this behavior is driven by our fears of not being good enough. We create these divisions hoping they will give us a sense of self-worth, hoping the divisions make us better or more special.

They don’t.

In reality, we are all the same.

We are all unique, divine, irreplaceable, infinitely valuable souls, fighting our way through life, scared and struggling most of the time, doing the best we can with what we know, but often not knowing very much. We can be oblivious to the fact that what we have in common is much bigger than any category that divides us.

Here are some suggestions for teaching your children to see other people accurately (as the same as them) with compassion and wisdom:

1. You must model compassionate behavior yourself. Kindness is taught by example. Your children must hear you being tolerant, kind and patient with people who are different from you.
2. Never gossip about or put down other people. This sends the message it’s OK to criticize others and see them as less than you.
3. Discourage teasing in your family. Teasing is often hostility and judgment in disguise. If you think it’s funny to put others down as a joke, you give your children license to do the same. Help children see other people accurately by understanding why they behave the way they do.
4. Praise the good in other people. Validate, honor and respect their right to their opinions.
5. Help children see the beauty in uniqueness and variety. A world full of different colors, talents and opinions is a beautiful thing. Celebrate the beauty of other cultures, ideas and opinions in your home. Encourage children to think for themselves and form their opinions while respecting others.
6. Talk about truth. When you see others making bad choices, explain that everyone is doing the best they can with what they know — they just don’t always know much. Never refer to other people as stupid. Show your children an example of compassion for people who are struggling.
7. Apologize when you are wrong. This shows children there is no shame in being wrong. It’s OK to admit when you make bad choices and it doesn’t make you a bad person. We are all a work in progress.
8. Encourage children to celebrate other people’s wins. Their good fortune doesn’t take anything away from you. It doesn’t diminish you in any way. Help your children find joy in cheering for other people — especially each other.
9. Don’t criticize "rich people" or "poor people." Help your children understand that we have the same value. We just have different strengths and we are on a different journey and learning different lessons.
10. Praise children for being kind. Help them understand that their appearance, property and performance don’t determine their value — their character does. Praise them more for being a good person than you do for their successes and wins.

Help them see other people as the same as them by doing so yourself. No one is better or worse than you are. Different does not have to divide us. We are all different, yet we have the same infinite value.

Hope this helps. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes Clarity: seeing yourself, others and situations accurately.