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Coach Kim: How to appreciate people you don't even like

10/4/2021

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This was first published on KSL.com 

Think of some people in your life that you struggle to get along with, judge, dislike, or who have behaviors that push your buttons or drive you crazy.

These are very important people in your life because they show you things about yourself and your values. They show you parts of yourself that you struggle to love, and they can be amazing teachers if you decide to see them that way.

These people typically bother or annoy you for one of three reasons.
  1. They make you feel inadequate and threaten your sense of being good enough.
  2. They make you feel mistreated or taken from on some level.
  3. They don't value what you value, and this bothers you.
It would serve you to know your core value system because it helps you understand why certain people bother you. I believe there are four value systems that humans have. We all value all of them to some degree, but we are dominant in one. See if you can tell which value system is your dominant one.

The 4 basic value systems

Intrinsic value system (focus on people)

If this is your dominant value system you highly value relationships, people, personal growth, connection, communication and spirituality. You would rather spend your time connecting and talking with people than anything else. You value the things in the other three categories, but you might undervalue getting tasks done, time efficiency, strict rules, systems, order and structure.

You tend to be bothered by people who are arrogant, selfish, don't listen, get angry, are narcissistic, oblivious, discourteous, unfriendly or are cold or rude to other people. You don't understand people who don't put connecting with people first.

Extrinsic value system (focus on tasks)

If this is your dominant value system you highly value tasks, getting things done, time efficiency, hard work, creation, creativity, discipline, organization and accomplishing goals. You would rather spend your time getting work done or accomplishing goals than anything else.

You also value the things in the other categories, but you might tend to undervalue strict rules, systems, communication, connection and listening to people. You value the people in your life most, but you don't always show it because you are so busy getting tasks done.

You tend to be bothered by people who give unsolicited advice, are bossy, arrogant, critical or controlling, and rule followers, as well as people who don't pay attention, seem entitled, lazy, messy, or consistently late, unorganized or irresponsible. You don't understand people who talk for hours don't get tasks finished.

Extrinsic value system (focus on things)

If this is your dominant value system you highly value material things, quality, beauty, creativity, art, building things, competition, success and being the best at what you do. You would rather spend your time earning and buying things, being creative or productive, or building things.

You also value the things in the other categories, but you might tend to undervalue communication, connection and listening to others, organization, rules, systems and learning things that aren't useful.

You tend to be irritated by or judge people who don't care about appearances, seem lazy or messy, are competitive, don't value success, don't work hard, or are irresponsible or inconsiderate.

Systemic value system (focus on ideas)

If this is your dominant value system you highly value organization, knowledge, learning, systems, rules, processes, principles, values and doing the right things the right way. You have strong moral values and love sharing ideas, teaching and learning. You would rather spend your time learning, creating systems, teaching processes, doing good work, caring for family and doing the right thing.

You also value the things in the other categories, but you might tend to undervalue listening, empathy, acceptance, connection, appearances, material things and creativity. You tend to be irritated by or judge people who act like know-it-alls, have to be right, are overly opinionated, don't listen, interrupt, are oblivious or discourteous, don't pay attention or are careless, lazy, irresponsible or inconsiderate. People who do wrong or who disagree with your moral principles also really bother you.

Importance of the value systems

Understanding what you value and undervalue helps you understand why you are bothered by certain people. You may not realize it, but you subconsciously believe that the way you are (and what you value) is the right way and everyone should be like you. But the world needs people who are different from you; it needs people with different strengths to make everything run.

We need people who place listening to others above getting things done. We also need people who put getting things done first. We need rule followers and we need rule breakers to push limits. There is a place for everyone.

People who are different from you can also provide amazing lessons. They show you the things you need to work on and change because you always judge people who have the same bad behaviors you have but don't like about yourself. These people serve as mirrors for you and they can help you to both forgive yourself and make needed changes.

People you don't like also give you the opportunity to stretch the limits of your love, which helps you learn to love yourself. Your ability to love others with their faults and flaws is tied to your ability to love yourself in spite of your faults and flaws. As you learn to accept and appreciate them, your ability to love yourself improves.

The 4 A's

Below is a 4-step process — The 4 A's — which help you practice accepting both yourself and the people who bother you.

Awareness

Notice the bad behaviors in yourself and the bad behavior in others that bothers you. What is it really about? Is it tied to your value system? Can you understand why this behavior pushes your buttons? Does this person threaten your sense of safety? You can't work on changing this until you gain awareness around what it is. Write down a list of the people and behaviors that bother you and commit to working on shifting your mindset around them.

Allowing

Practice honoring and respecting each person's right to be the way they are. They are on their unique, perfect classroom journey, which is very different from yours. We have different value systems, life experiences and personality traits, but we all have the same intrinsic value as every other person on the planet. We all have things we need to change and work on, but we have a right to be where we are in our unique process of growth. Allow every person to be where and who they are, and have tolerance, compassion and respect for them.

Acceptance

This is about accepting these people for their differences, variety, interest, adventure and lessons they provide you. You can embrace the experience of having these interesting (yet challenging) people in your life. You can accept them as perfect teachers in your classroom and even embrace them. As you practice this and truly send love and compassion their way, you will find your capacity to love the darkest parts of yourself will increase. The more you accept others, the more you will accept yourself.

Appreciation

Everyone has something to teach you and is making a contribution to your journey. Maybe it lies in causing your problems that you then get the opportunity to work through and solve. Maybe it lies in pushing your buttons so you get to work on patience, flexibility and compassion. Whatever it is, each person is serving you in some way. Work towards feeling grateful and even appreciating them for the role they play in your classroom. You must also work on appreciating your own faults and flaws for the beautiful lessons they provide: They keep you humble, make you less judgmental and give you opportunities to grow.

This doesn't mean you have to be friends, hang out or have relationships with the people who bother you. It just means that you practice seeing them as the lesson they are and appreciating them from afar so you can have more positive feelings than negative ones.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: Why you need to define your core values

7/19/2021

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This was first published on ksl.com

In many of my KSL articles, I have written about the two core fears we all have: fear of failure and fear of loss. These fears drive many of our choices and behaviors, but they aren't everything. Your core values also influence every decision you make. There is great power in finding and claiming your unique core values, as doing so could make a significant difference in your life.

Your core values, whether you know them consciously or they play out subconsciously, form the basis of your self-esteem, the kinds of relationships you choose to be in, how fulfilled you are in your work, and your general sense of purpose and happiness.

If you highly value connection but have a job that means working alone in a cubicle all day, you might not be very happy in your career. If you don't have many friends, that could make you feel like a failure and lower your self-worth. But a person who values hard work more than connection might be very happy in both those situations, for example.

If you don't consciously know what your core values are, you might find your life lacks meaning. You might be living by rules or values that other people have either given or pushed upon you. If you live like this, you might feel like you're betraying yourself all the time and you probably won't feel satisfied. You might also be choosing relationships or partners that aren't right for you.

Why should I define my core values?

Here are some of the benefits that come from consciously defining your core values:
  • You will understand what's happening when you feel discontent. Feeling out of sorts often means you are not living authentically and congruently. Knowing your core values helps you understand how to be true to yourself.
  • You will be happier with your choices long-term if you check them against your core values. I wrote another KSL article about making value-based decisions you could also read.
  • You will have more confidence. Your core values help you know who you are and be proud of yourself. As you live those values, you will feel better and better.
  • You will trust yourself more. You won't be swayed by approval or what other people think. You will recognize what's consistent with your values and choose that.
  • You will need less validation from others. You will feel more purpose in life and won't need anything from others to feel good about yourself.
  • You will know what you want. Your values will make what's important to you clear. Then you can choose friends, partners and careers that fit.
  • You will live more authenticity. Your values make you different, unique and authentically you. If you don't know what your values are, you might live to please others instead.
  • You will understand your choices and behavior and why you react to situations the way you do. This will help you to be aware and mindful of your behavior and make sure you are being who you want to be.

​How do I define my core values?


Now that you understand the benefits of knowing your core values, I will give you a process for finding your values and claiming them. This will require some journaling and some uninterrupted time, but it will be worth the effort. Take time to really think about and answer the following questions and follow the process to the end.
  1. Identify the most fulfilling, happy, meaningful moments in your life. What was happening and what values did you experience then?
  2. Write down a list of the things that are most important to you in your life.
  3. What qualities do you most admire in other people? Make a list of people you admire and the qualities they possess that you would like to have more of. Those qualities are some of your values.
  4. Identify some of the most difficult, uncomfortable, distressing moments in your life when you felt upset. What was happening and what values were being dishonored?
  5. What are the situations when you get triggered, angry or feel out of balance? What is happening in those situations and what values are the people involved not honoring?
  6. Find a list of core values that you can read through and circle ones that really resonate with your heart and soul.
  7. See if you can group some of the value words you have written down so far into categories. Some of them might mean similar things. Find the words that best describe what you value.
  8. See if you can narrow your list down to a top 10. Make sure these are your authentic values and not values society or other people have taught you "should" choose.
  9. Have a "values playoff." Rank those 10 in order with the most important value to you as No. 1 and the least important No. 10. This will be difficult and take some time and thought. You will have to make some tough decisions; but in the end, the Top 5 are probably your biggest core values.
  10. Write those values on a piece of paper and post it somewhere you will see it every day. Think about whether you are living those values each day and what you could do to embody them more. You may even find there are some changes you need to make as you start to apply the values in your life.
  11. You might also watch for ways that you are not living your values and see if changes need to be made. The more congruent you live with your value system the happier you will feel.
I promise taking the time to figure out your value system will bring clarity, maturity and peace to your life.

You can do this.

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    Kimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC.  She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio.

     She writes a regular weekly advice column that is published on KSL.com every Monday. She is the author of the books Choosing Clarity and The People Guidebook. 

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