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Coach Kim: My last LIFEadvice article

12/28/2021

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This was first published on KSL.COM

I have had the great privilege of writing close to 550 LIFEadvice articles over the past 11 years, but this will be the last in the Coach Kim series for KSL.com.

Most of the questions that have been submitted over the years have been about people problems or improving relationships. The following are my last and most important suggestions for understanding each other better and improving our relationships. I hope they help you.
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Human behavior is all about seeking safety

You may think human behavior is complicated, but it is actually pretty simple. Most of our behavior, if you take the time to look, can be traced back to a desire for safety and security. Everything we do is driven by either our value system and what we love or by what we fear.

Unfortunately, a lot of our behavior is about fear. We buy new clothes because looking better makes us feel safer and helps us believe we are "good enough." We work hard at our job to gain security. We fight with our spouses because we don't feel safe and are trying to remedy that.

Human beings are constantly seeking safety from two simple foundational fears: the fear of failure and the fear of loss. I have written about these two fears extensively because they are key in our understanding of human behavior.

When you understand how fear of failure and fear of loss affect you, you will start to see yourself and the people around you — especially when they are behaving badly — as scared. People are not jerks, show-offs, gossips, aggressive or territorial; they are just scared human beings whose fear is bringing out their worst behavior.

Seeing human behavior this way will make you more compassionate toward the people around you, and that will improve your relationships.

We look for safety in all the wrong places

Human beings seek safety in the wrong places because we erroneously believe our value must be earned. We believe human value can change day to day, and that some people have more value than other people. We all erroneously believe our value comes from these five places:
  • Our appearance
  • Our performance
  • Our property
  • Our opinions and beliefs
  • The opinions of other people
Think about these and how you are trying to earn your own value through them. You might stress too much about your clothes or how you look. You might be a workaholic trying to earn value through what you do at your job. You might shop and buy things to feel safer. You might think your strong opinions and being right give you worth.

The problem is no matter how hard you try to perform, look good, buy nice things or win approval from others, you will always find people out there who still appear to be better than you. This chase to find value will always leave you feeling like you aren't good enough and you still won't feel safe.

You must understand an important truth: You cannot find a sense of safety outside of yourself. A real sense of safety can only come from changing your foundational beliefs and believing that your value is intrinsic and unchangeable. If your value is infinite, you cannot fail nor be "not enough."

See all humans as having the same intrinsic value

Nothing will improve your relationships and your self-esteem faster than choosing to see all humans as having the same value as you. Choose to see life as a classroom, not a test. See it as a safe place where you don't have to earn your value. See it as a place of learning where the universe brings perfect lessons and your value is never in question.

This one change will take half the fear that drives your worst behavior off the table immediately. You will feel safe and good enough in the world and will find it easier to show up with love for the people around you. Changing this belief will require effort, though. You must constantly remind yourself that nothing changes or diminishes your value and that you always have the same value as everyone else.

Forgive everyone and everything

I have written 20 articles and one whole book on forgiveness because I believe it is the most important lesson we are here to learn. If we can't forgive other people, life, God, or ourselves, we will be miserable and scared our whole life.

The way out of this suffering lies in choosing to trust that everything that happens is your perfect classroom journey. Instead of resisting what is, we can choose to trust the universe knows what it's doing. We can see life as a wise teacher who is co-creating with us, bringing us the perfect classroom journey we need in each moment. This mindset creates strength, resiliency and a real sense of security. When you choose to trust the universe, you will also find forgiveness is much easier.

Forgiving others is the key to loving yourself

Every time you judge another person for their mistakes, you are giving power to the idea that value must be earned and people can be "not good enough." If you feed this belief, it will also drive the way you see yourself. If you see others as not good enough or not worthy, you will always see yourself the same way.

The key to loving yourself lies in choosing to love and forgive others. You must allow every human around you to be flawed, make mistakes and have faults, and still have infinite and unchanging worth. When you give every other human infinite value, you will start to accept it for yourself too.

The people you dislike can be the most important teachers in your life. They show you the limits of your love and help you to stretch. If you will work on loving these people as they are, with their faults, it will improve your self-worth and bring a feeling of safety to your life. I promise this works.

See everything that happens as your perfect classroom journey

Choose to believe the classroom of life has one main purpose: to grow you and make you more loving. Every experience in your life is here to stretch your ability to love God, yourself or other people. Every experience that shows up in your life is here to serve you.

Every time something happens, ask yourself this powerful question: "What is this experience here for? Is it here to help me trust God more, help me love myself more, or to love other people at a higher level? There is always one of these three lessons in play.

If you choose to see your life this way, you will experience real gratitude for everything that happens — the good and the bad — and this will make you feel safer in the world. If you want to have more access to your love, just choose to see the universe as on your side and constantly conspiring to serve you. This will make you feel safe and give you the bandwidth to show up for others.

Seek out professional help with your mindset

Having healthy beliefs, healthy thinking skills and tools for processing life is what ultimately creates happiness, success and good relationships. The problem is they don't teach these things in school. So, unless your parents taught them to you, you likely don't have the skills and tools you need to create healthy relationships. You are going to need to seek them out on your own.

Find a professional whose job it is to teach these skills, like a therapist or a life coach. This kind of help makes the work faster and easier. Getting professional help with your mindset, limiting beliefs, negative thinking and people skills is the most important and advantageous thing you could do for yourself and your family. Spend the money and invest in your mental health. It will be the best money you ever spend.

You can do this

For 11 years, I have ended every article with the phrase "you can do this." I did so because I want you to know that you have all the answers inside you. You are innately loving and good. You are meant to grow and learn through whatever is happening to you because that is the purpose of everything. You are, at your core, nothing but love. You were made by love, through love and as love. You are good enough as you are right now. You are right on track in your perfect classroom journey. You have nothing to fear.

You can improve and change things in your life, too. If you don't like the way your life is going, you can change it. You have the power to do this, you might just need a little help. Seek out the help and invest in yourself and your life.

I have loved writing for KSL and I deeply appreciate all the letters you have sent me over the years. I hope my articles have helped you in some way because they have sure helped me. If you want to continue to follow me, you can do that at coachkimgiles.com and claritypointcoaching.com.

Thank you to all my readers for your encouragement, appreciation and feedback!

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Coach Kim: A little adjustment could save Thanksgiving

11/15/2021

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This was first published on KSL.com

I've heard from quite a few people this week who are stressed about the quarrels and family drama that so often accompany Thanksgiving dinner.

So, here are a few things to think about that might help you experience more love toward your relatives this year.
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Who and what are you?

This is one of the most important questions you will answer in your life. It's important because your beliefs about your creation, your nature and your intrinsic worth create the lens through which you see the world. You literally see the world as you see yourself. Every choice, reaction and emotion reveals how you feel about yourself. What is your worst behavior saying about who and what you think you are?

Where does your value come from?

Right now, you subconsciously believe your beliefs, ideas, appearance, property and accomplishments determine your value. You likely believe your value must be earned, which means you also believe some people are better or worse than you. This belief is the reason you might see yourself as not good enough, but these are all just beliefs. They are not facts, which means you can change them any time you want.

You could choose to believe that your value is not tied to anything you have done or achieved. It is not based on how you look or what anyone thinks of you, and your performance and mistakes can't change it. You could choose to believe your value is tied to only one thing: your perfect, irreplaceable, divine creation by God or the universe.

Stop believing you create your own value

You didn't and don't create yourself, nor do you decide or determine your value, nor is it affected by what other people think of you. The only opinion that matters is the one who created us. This higher power gave all humans the same divine, infinite value, which doesn't change and isn't in question (at least you have the option of believing this idea is truth).

Robert Perry in his writing about self-esteem said, "If you were a homeless person without a penny, dirty and disheveled, forgotten by everyone, all of this limitless self-worth would still be yours. It has nothing to do with anything particular to you. In this sense, nothing particular about you matters. Your special talents, your special traits, your special place in the world—none of them can increase your self-worth one bit. It is already infinite. For you are the son (or daughter) of God."

Choosing to see people this way could change everything.

You aren't powerful enough to diminish your value

You could choose to believe that you were created by divine love, through divine love and as divine love, and that your value comes from this alone, is innate inside you and never changes. You could choose to believe your achievements, behavior, intelligence, appearance and popularity have no effect on your Identity or worth. While they might change your extrinsic value as the world sees it, they cannot change your intrinsic worth at all.

This means all your efforts to earn your value through your appearance or performance are futile. Think about this: God, or the universe, did not give you the power to diminish his creation (you) or make it worthless. He didn't give you the power to ruin yourself or discount his creation. Nothing you do or don't do can usurp his valuation of you.

When you start to internalize this truth, you will also begin to gain compassion for the imperfect humans around you. They, just like you, are perfectly created students in the classroom of life and their value is not in question either. They, like you, are here in life school to learn to love themselves and other people at a higher level. They, like you, are struggling with fears that get in the way and create bad behavior.

The way you see other people is the way you see yourself

If you harbor any hate or negative feelings toward any other person, it is a sign to you that you lack love for yourself. If you want to learn to love yourself more, you must stop attacking others and seeing them as worse or less than. The way you love yourself is often a reflection of the way you see other people and vice versa.

The Course in Miracles says, "When you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter. As you see him you will see yourself. As you treat him you will treat yourself. As you think of him you will think of yourself. Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself or lose yourself."

Choose love toward the people who bother you most

This doesn't mean you have to hang out with abusive, hurtful or negative people and spend time with them. You can have healthy boundaries and stand up for yourself, but you can do this from a place of strength, wisdom and love. You can choose to see everyone that God has created as a perfect part of your perfect classroom journey. You can see them as infinitely valuable human souls, even if you don't want to spend time with them.

You could choose to believe that nothing exists in your life that wasn't created to educate and grow you. You could choose to see the people in your life as perfect teachers, whose behavior is always serving you, even when they are driving you crazy. These teachers push your buttons and offend you to give you a chance to practice standing firm in your value, knowing you cannot be diminished, trusting you are here to learn and grow, and choosing love toward yourself and others even when it's hard. This is actually the purpose of everything you experience.

Bad behavior is often a request for love

You might approach family gatherings this year as a chance to work on loving yourself and others more fully. You will do this because you want to increase your love and compassion for yourself. In order to love yourself more, you must stretch the limits of your love and choose to see the humans around you as divinely created, struggling, infinitely valuable students in the classroom of life — just like you.

Choose to see their unloving behavior as a reflection of their lack of love for themselves. They are most likely projecting their lack of love for themselves onto you, though they can't see this. They are probably in fear that they aren't good enough or safe. These fears encourage them to attack others in order to see others as beneath them, get defensive, or show off because they believe they must do these things to be safe. But none of these behaviors is about you.

It helps me to believe that humans are only capable of two things: being loving and requesting love. This means all bad behavior is a request for love. Bad behavior is a sign they aren't OK. People who create family drama and conflict are never the ones with solid self-esteem, inner strength and wisdom. They are the ones who are blinded by fear and need love most, even though they are often the hardest to love.

Use family gatherings as love practice

This year, you might choose someone who you struggle to love and focus on seeing them more accurately. See their divinely bestowed and permanent value (which is the same as yours) and look for the fear that is preventing them from being loving. Are they scared, insecure or hurting? Allow them to be where they are in their unique classroom journey. Choose to see them as doing the best they can with what they know. They just can't see what they can't see. Try to tune into God's love for them and see if you can feel it.

If you must, limit your interactions with these difficult people to protect yourself; that's OK. You can practice loving them from afar, maybe from across the room or from the safety of your own home. Just practice choosing a mindset of love and accuracy toward them and it will still improve your self-esteem and make your holiday more positive and thankful.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: Is the internet making us meaner?

10/11/2021

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This was first published on KSL.com 

In this edition of LIFEadvice, Coach Kim answers a reader's question and explains the ways being and communicating online has made us meaner to each other.

Question:

I was recently "ghosted" by my partner. Along with the sadness of the breakup, I am also feeling emotions of embarrassment and shock. What red flags do people who "ghost" usually exhibit? How do you deal with the trust and self-esteem issues that almost feel inevitable? Maybe you could write about not doing this to other people and explain why people are so mean online?

Answer:

There have been many changes in our world in the last two years, and it appears that we are treating our fellow human beings worse than ever. It seems like online/tele-everything is lessening our ability to treat other humans with love and respect.

A recent article in the Deseret News says, "People seem to have so many things to be angry about today, whether it's wearing masks or not wearing them, keeping schools open or refusing to close them, getting vaccinated or thinking it's dangerous, or just feeling powerless against forces out of their control."

The whole world is functioning in a fear of loss state, where they feel at risk and believe they must protect themselves from other people. The pandemic has made us afraid of each other and we often see other humans as a threat — and this is not just about catching the virus. We see people who have different views, look different, or live differently as more threatening than ever, too.

We also have a greater tendency to say rude things online than we ever would face to face. I have experienced this with negative comments to my articles here. This phenomenon is known as the online disinhibition effect. As a KQED article explains it as, "Essentially, being online lowers your inhibitions. This often results in people either behaving meaner or opening up more online than they normally would in face-to-face conversations."

A recent survey from Pew Research showed that 40% of American adults have personally experienced abuse online. While we generally conduct real-life interactions with strangers politely and respectfully, online we can be horrible.

Essentially, being online lowers your inhibitions. This often results in people either behaving meaner or opening up more online than they normally would in face-to-face conversations. -Lauren Farrar, KQED

This is especially true in high schools and junior high schools, where we see cyberbullying causing problems, and in online dating. In the first quarter of 2020, Tinder reported 3 billion swipes in a single day. But, this is not necessarily a good thing.

We are starting to treat dating about as seriously as a video game or a take-out order, as lifestyle writer Mary Crace Garis says. In an article for Well+Good, Garis quotes Camille Virginia, founder of the relationship coaching service Master Offline Dating, thus: "There's a direct correlation between the investment of effort to meet someone and how much value gets placed on that person, When you put the same amount of effort into swiping on a dating app as you would into ordering Chinese takeout for lunch, you're going to subconsciously value the person in that moment about the same as you do the food. I'd actually argue most people would value their Chinese food even more than the people they're swiping on."

The problem is that dating apps also make it seem like there is an endless number of other options ready and waiting if you don't like the one you are talking to. This, along with the fact that dating apps feel a little like a video game, can make us forget that real people with real feelings are involved.

We also have people who are online dating but who have no intention of actual dating at the end of it. They might be just looking around, dipping a toe in, but they often quickly decide they aren't up for it and disappear. Some like spending time swiping and browsing people, but they aren't actually ready to date or even single yet.

This has created a whole new world of terrible human behaviors like ghosting, cloaking, bread crumbing, and zombieing other people. It's important to know about these terms because teens and young adults use these techniques in their cyberbullying.

Let's clarify a few of them now:
  • Canceling: To stop all following, interacting with or supporting a person because of something they did or said. This can be a cruel form of cyberbullying.
  • Ghosting: When a person cuts off all communication with their friend or date with zero warning or notice beforehand. You'll mostly see them avoiding friends' phone calls, social media, and even avoiding them in public.
  • Cloaking: When a person arranges a date at an agreed-upon destination just to have one party not show up. When they try to reach out to contact that person they find the person has erased all record of conversation and online existence, leaving the cloaked victim clueless and hurt.
  • Benching: When you aren't interested enough to actually go on a date with someone, but you don't want them to move on either. You keep them on the sideline so you could decide to date them later. This means stringing them along (keeping them on the bench) but not in the game.
  • Bread crumbling: This is very similar to benching, but you keep sending flirty messages (bread crumbs) so they don't feel dumped. You like their attention and want to keep that, but you also aren't willing to go on a date with them.
  • Cookie jarring: When a person keeps one hand in the cookie jar with some other options in case their main squeeze doesn't work out.
  • Cushioning: When you keep a few people on the bench in case it doesn't work out with the one you are dating. You might keep a bunch of other people in your life as a cushion or option later.
  • Catfishing: This is when a person creates a false profile and communicates with you pretending to be someone else. This is incredibly cruel and deceptive, as its only goal is to mess with and hurt another person. To avoid this, insist on a video chat early on when you meet someone.
  • Kittenfishing: This is when you have a real profile online, but your pics are filtered and don't look like you or they are from when you were much younger, and you have not been completely honest about yourself.
  • Haunting: This is when a person breaks up with you, but they are still lurking around you on social media, liking your posts, or leaving subtle reminders they are still out there and still have eyes on you.
  • Stashing: This is not letting anyone know anything about the person you are dating. You don't introduce them to your friends and family, and you aren't showing pictures of them on social media. This shows a lack of commitment on your part.
  • Zombieing: This happens when a person ghosted you and disappeared, but now they are back again and acting as nothing happened. It feels like they have returned from the dead, but there is a yucky aroma about it and it doesn't feel safe.
There can, of course, be good reasons to block someone you met online. There may be red flags or scary behavior, and you absolutely should protect yourself and be careful. Having said that, for most people (who aren't dangerous), a quick message that you've changed your mind and aren't interested would be the respectful, kind way of handling it. Even better, give them some honest feedback and sincerely wish them the best of luck out there. If you struggle with the courage to be honest, check out a recent KSL.com article I wrote: "Delivering bad news as nicely as possible."

All of the behaviors listed above are driven by fear. People are afraid of real communication, honesty, vulnerability and owning who they are and where they are. You might watch out for people who are very slow in moving forward, aren't good at communicating, and aren't willing to take the next step to video chat or meet. Those are red flags that they are only interested in swiping and then quickly off to the next option.

If you are going to participate in online dating or any online interaction with other humans, you should be ready to handle these interactions with honesty, respect and courage. Care enough to consider how they will feel and what they need. People would rather hear the truth — even if it hurts — than they would be left totally confused.

If you have been ghosted online or treated disrespectfully, remember that it isn't really about you at all. It happened because that person is scared and functioning in fear. They don't have the confidence to handle themselves in a respectful way. They might think they need to treat others badly to feel powerful and good, but this never leads to happiness.

You probably dodged a bullet here. It's better to find out that they aren't ready for a real relationship/friendship or aren't right for you now than later.

Do not allow this person to lessen your intrinsic value as a person. You have the same value as every other human on the planet and what one person thinks of you doesn't change anything. Understand the right person for you will show up and love you exactly as you are. You may have to go through a lot of scared, immature, unprepared, people online to find the one you are looking for, but don't give up. Just go into any online networking knowing that these common bad behaviors happen to everyone, and be ready to shrug them off when they happen to you.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: What's behind your loved one's bad behavior?

8/16/2021

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This was first published on KSl.COM

This week I want to share some interesting things about human behavior that will help you understand yourself and your loved ones and why we behave the ways we do. I have been teaching people skills and coaching people through relationship problems for over 25 years, and in that time I've come to realize that whatever bad behavior you are seeing in another person (or yourself) it is being driven by their (or your) fears.

If you read my column regularly you've heard that before, but today I am taking it a little deeper because there are some other important truths about human behavior and fear that might also help improve your relationships. Here they are:

Fear always wins

What I mean is you subconsciously make decisions from your fears, way more often than by love or values. Your need for safety is your most basic need. Maslow didn't agree with me on this when he created his hierarchy of needs though. Maslow put food and water as the most basic need and then safety after that, but I think he got it wrong.

This is because, if you are starving but at the same time you are being chased by a tiger, you wouldn't stop to eat. Your safety comes first. Once you were safe, then you would worry about food and water. This makes sense if you are being chased by a tiger, but it doesn't work well in your personal relationships, when you are choosing between fear and love.

When your spouse offends you, you will automatically react from fear and protect yourself before you will respond with love. It's your natural programming to do so. I wish this wasn't true, but your subconscious fears will almost always override your love, values and intentions, unless you consciously choose otherwise.

Behavior driven by fear is inherently selfish and void of love

This is because you cannot do love and fear at the same time. Fear-driven behavior is all about protecting yourself and seeking safety. It is not about the other person and what they need. All bad behavior is driven by fear for ourselves and this selfish, loveless behavior creates a divide in relationships.

When you show up in fear you trigger the other person's fears, too

When you show up in a relationship in fear (instead of love) you trigger fear in your partner. They can feel that you don't love them in that moment and that scares them. They feel unsafe and they automatically respond back in fear, to protect themselves. You will then feel this lack of love in their response and you will be triggered further.

This is the vicious cycle I see in almost all relationships. Can you see it in yours? One person gets scared and responds in fear and this triggers the other to respond in fear and soon, there is no love showing up?
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We can change our fear-driven bad behavior and choose love

This fear-driven behavior is something we can work on and change, but it takes a great deal of mindfulness, awareness and practice. Everything I write and teach comes down to recognizing when fear is driving, choosing to feel safe in that moment, and choosing to show up in love not fear. I will be the first to say that it isn't easy, though, because we are subconsciously wired for fear. We do have the power to watch our behavior and thinking for fear reactions though, and consciously choose love-driven responses.

Here are some examples of how fear over love reactions happen:

Example 1: A child loves his parents and wants to make good choices for himself, but he also fears not being accepted by his peers. He might be fear of failure dominant, which means he needs acceptance and validation so badly, he might choose to follow his friends and make poor choices in order to feel safe and accepted. His fears around acceptance will drive his choice, and he will choose safety over love for himself.

The parent loves this child but also fears losing them and failing them. When the child makes a bad choice, the parent gets fear triggered. They react badly, yell, scream, ground the child for a year, or punish them in whatever way will make the parent feel safer again. They might become controlling, if this feels safer. Their parenting behavior is fear-driven though and it is all about them, not what the child needs right now. The parent will put safety before love, the same way the child did.

The answer here is to help the child build their self-esteem and have less fear of rejection, so they don't need approval from their friends so badly. He needs help making choices that are love driven for himself. The parent needs to learn to trust their child's journey and see life as a classroom, not a test. They need to have less fear and more trust in their value and journey. This will help them parent from love and wisdom, doing what's best for their child, not what feels safer for themselves.

Understanding each other's fear-driven behavior brings compassion for why they did what they did though. We understand it because we have the same fears and they drive our bad behavior too.

Example 2: A husband loves his wife, but he has a great deal of fear around losing or wasting money. When he sees the wife has spent money on food that didn't get eaten and went bad, he gets angry and upset with her, even treating her badly. He subconsciously thinks being angry and unkind to her will teach her to be more careful with money, which will make him feel safer. This is fear-driven bad behavior, and he is obviously choosing to act from fear not love.

The wife loves her husband but has a deep fear of failure and feeling attacked and criticized triggers her badly. She doesn't at this point feel safe with her husband. So she pulls back, gets silent and stays away from being close to him. This is also a fear-driven bad behavior that means she is choosing fear over love. She thinks she is safer pulling away.

The husband feels his wife pulling away from him and not wanting to be close to him. This fear-driven behavior of hers triggers more fear of loss and anger in him. Instead of showing up with love at this point, he gets more angry, because that subconsciously feels like it's protecting him. This further triggers her. This vicious cycle of choosing fear over love can continue until there is no love left in the relationship.

The real answer here is for the husband to get help around his fears of loss, waste and money. He most likely has fear issues around being mistreated and disregarded, and these are his fear issues to solve and manage. He must learn to see loss and recognize that acting from fear won't create what he wants in his marriage. He has to learn how to handle situations with love and respect, if he wants love and respect back.

The wife hopefully can see why her husband behaves the way he does and understands that when he lets fear dictate his behavior, it's not really about her, it's about his own fear of loss issues. She must learn to manage her fear of failure issues, so when she is criticized, she can see it's about his fear and not take it personally. She must learn to make herself feel safe so she can show up with love and forgiveness when he is scared.

Here are the core principles from all this:
  • In every moment or situation, you can only show up in one of two states. You are either in a "fear" state and focused on your own safety, or in a "love" state where you can focus on what the other person needs.
  • Fear reactions are natural and come easier, so you have to consciously choose between these two states in every moment. If you don't consciously choose love, you will subconsciously choose fear.
  • If you behave from fear, the other person will not feel loved, and they will respond back with fear not love. If love is what you want, it is what you must give.
  • You get what you give.
  • If you continue to bring fear into a relationship again and again, it can't survive.
  • You are only responsible for your side, but you are totally responsible for your side. You cannot blame anyone else for making you behave the way you did.
  • Love always creates solid relationships and fear creates divide. You choose which you want with every interaction.
  • Before you interact with a loved one, check yourself. Am I coming from fear or love? What do I want to create in this relationship love or divide? How can I show up in total love without any fear right now?
Just keep slowly working at this every day — and you can do this.
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Coach Kim: How to stop being offended all the time

8/9/2021

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This was first published on KSL.COM

Question:

My spouse and I read your article last week about understanding the fear behind our behavior, and it's really helping us see what's going on when we fight. But we both are prone to getting offended way too easily. People often disregard us or are disrespectful, and we both tend to be bothered and frustrated with a lot of people. This also means we are mad at each other a lot, too. I think maybe we need to learn how to let things go and not take things personally, but do you have any advice for doing that?


Answer:

I have actually written on this topic a few times recently, but there are some things I haven't shared that also might help. People who get offended too easily are usually having some fear and insecurity issues. They tend to think they are not good enough or not safe, so they are looking for signs of this to protect themselves.

Here are some common qualities of people who get offended too easily:
  • He gets insulted by things people say that feel like a put-down or criticism, even though most other people wouldn't have taken it that way.
  • She often feels disregarded when people make decisions without thinking about her.
  • Other people say they walk on eggshells around him.
  • She finds there are many people she dislikes.
  • He frequently tells other people they did something wrong or should have done something differently.
  • She is slightly controlling or picky and likes things the way she thinks is right.
  • He often feels slighted, disrespected or taken from.
  • She highly values fairness and gets offended when things don't feel fair.
  • He has experienced a lot of loss in his life — losing loved ones or having difficult, traumatic or heartbreaking situations like childhood abuse.
  • She is an opinionated person who is bothered when things are wrong.
If you relate to many of these, you are probably offended too easily and you might be fear-of-loss dominant, too. We all experience fear of loss and fear of failure on a daily basis, but we have one that is our dominant fear. People who are fear-of-loss dominant have a deep belief — usually from childhood — that they aren't safe. They subconsciously feel they must control things, be defensive, have strong opinions, and stay on watch for mistreatment in order to make themselves safe.

If this sounds like you, here are some things you can do to stop getting offended so often.

Trust the journey

Choose to see life as a classroom, and that the universe and you together are co-creating the perfect classroom journey for you every day.

This means the people who offend you today are perfect teachers, giving you a chance to grow, be more mature, or see your fears and work on them. When you trust your experiences are the perfect classroom for you, you aren't as offended by them. (Note: I am not talking about abuse here, just garden-variety slights that aren't degrading or abusive.)

You have probably married your perfect teacher, too. He or she will teach you by pushing all your buttons to bring your triggers to the surface so you can heal them. Trusting that your life is a classroom also makes you feel safer; it means life and the universe are on your side and their intention is to always serve you.

Trust your value

Choose to see all humans — including yourself — as having the same infinite value that isn't in question and doesn't change. This means we are all students in need of more education. When you see people this way, you can release the need for judgment and give them all permission to be a work in progress just like you.

Allow others to be different

Allow other people to react, behave, think and be wired differently than you are. They were raised differently and they haven't had your life experiences. Therefore, they have the right to function differently, too.

Give others the room to be the way they are without letting it take anything from you. You both have the same value no matter what, and you have the right to be where you are. Stop expecting everyone to think and act like you.

Learn something from this

If someone criticized you, could it be constructive and could you learn something from it? Life is a classroom and that is why you are here. What could you gain from this criticism if you chose not to take offense?

Flip the insult to see if it's still true

If someone has "disrespected you," write that on a piece of paper. Then write "I disrespect me" and ask yourself if it's still true.

If it is true, consider that your own disrespect of yourself might make you feel others are disrespecting you when they really aren't. Is there any chance the way you see yourself has been projected onto this other person? You do this more than you might think. If you don't like yourself, you will also project that and believe others don't like you either.

Double-check their intent

Ask yourself: Did this other person really intend to do me harm, insult or disregard me? Or is there any other meaning their actions could have? Usually, the other person was focused on their own issues and missed what they did or said completely.

If they didn't intend harm, is harm done that can't be let go? We hold onto intentional hurt because we believe it protects us, but unintentional hurt is best let go. Also, give the benefit of the doubt that that other person didn't mean to offend.

Let go of the need to be right

Sometimes it's OK to let another person think they are right even when they aren't. If it improves the relationship, why correct them? Choose your battles and try to allow others to do things their way as much as you can.

Practice forgiveness

Forgiving is not pardoning bad behavior; it is changing the way you see the bad behavior so you can change the way you feel about it. It's about letting negative emotions and feelings go and trading them for peace and happiness. When you see an offense as a perfect classroom and the person as having the same value as you, and you choose to see growth and learning in it, it becomes much easier to forgive.

If this is hard for you, start a forgiveness practice journal and work on it daily. Choose an offense or a mistake you have made every day and process it to forgiveness. Choose the positive feelings you want to experience around this and practice choosing them.

Consider your options and possible outcomes

What is the outcome you will create if you choose to be offended or hurt by this? What kind of behavior will you exhibit in response? What will that create? Is this what you want?

What are some other options? What would you choose if you knew you were safe and good enough? What would a love-driven response look like? What would that create?

If you are still having trouble being offended often, consider working with a coach or counselor who can help you establish your own sense of safety in the world so you can feel more bulletproof. A professional who knows how to do this can help immensely.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: Are you socially awkward?

6/28/2021

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This was first published on ksl.com

Question:

For years I have said that I am socially awkward, as I can struggle in groups to feel comfortable. Is that something others experience, and how is it different from anxiety or just being an introvert? Do you have any tips for becoming more confident and less awkward with people?

Answer:
You might be socially awkward, introverted or just shy. You could also have social anxiety. Do you know the difference? If you sometimes struggle in social situations it might help to understand these different experiences and see which sounds more like you.

Social Anxiety

Social anxiety is actually a mental health condition that means you struggle with significant and sometimes debilitating nervousness and fear in social situations. You may get anxious just thinking about being social, and you could get fixated on the possibility of embarrassment or rejection. People with social anxiety may avoid interacting with others at all and shut themselves off from relationships.

If you have an intense fear of being judged, embarrassing yourself, talking with strangers, or speaking to people, it might be worth talking to a mental health professional about it. Fifteen million adults in the U.S. have social anxiety, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. You are not alone in this and it is treatable.

Social Awkwardness

Social awkwardness is about fear of discomfort and not knowing how to interact the right way in social situations. Socially awkward people are afraid of judgment or being disliked and often find their conversations don't flow well. They aren't sure the right things to say and do. For example, they might tell jokes that others don't find funny or tell them at the wrong time.

These people might also be too loud, too quiet, or ramble without realizing it. They sometimes sit back and listen more than they join in the conversation, or they jump in at an awkward time or place. People who are socially awkward can have so much self-monitoring and over-thinking going on during social interactions that they miss things. These people just don't come by social skills naturally; they have to work at it.

Introversion

Introverted people aren't necessarily nervous or anxious; they just get their energy from being alone. They can handle social situations without anxiety, but being around other people too much is exhausting and can leave them feeling depleted. Introverts are quieter than extroverts, but they aren't necessarily shy, anxious or awkward. They tend to be good listeners, are thoughtful and dislike confrontation. Approximately half of us fall into this category.

Shyness

Shy people feel uncomfortable and hesitant around new people or in new social situations. They may also hold back in conversations and listen for quite a while before saying anything. Most shy people are introverts, but they don't necessarily have social anxiety or awkwardness. These people just like familiar people and places, and they don't like speaking in public or being in the spotlight.

How to be less socially awkward

Most of us can find some characteristics in each of these five examples that they can relate to. People skills are something many of us have to work at and practice. Here are some tips for lessening social awkwardness:
  • Practice -- Social skills can be learned and improved upon, and you will get better at interacting with people the more you do it. Don't decide to avoid social situations, as that will only make the problem worse. You have to get out of your comfort zone if you ever want to get comfortable somewhere new.
  • Use your phone for a quick break -- If you get overly anxious or unsure how to handle a situation, stop and check your messages. Taking a break for a minute to look at your phone can give you an excuse to step back and calm down. But, don't stay here and use to phone to avoid interaction altogether. You'll never improve if you don't do it.
  • Breathe -- Diaphragmatic breathing is a powerful way to calm your nervous system down when feeling anxiety or panic. Take slow deep breaths making your stomach as fat as you can on the in-breaths, then skinny on the out breaths. This works your diaphragm and tells your body to calm down.
  • Come to your senses -- Stop what you are doing and pay attention to what you smell right now. What can you hear? What can you see around you? What can you feel? When you get in touch with your senses, you get out of your head, and this really helps you quiet the overthinking.
  • Exercise -- Research shows that regular physical exercise helps lower anxiety and improve your ability to stay mindful and not overthink.
  • Meditation -- Allowing your brain to have some quiet time every day helps you find peace and calm even after meditating is over. It has also been shown to decrease anxiety and give you a sense of calm, peace and balance. People who meditate regularly know how to calm themselves at any time.
  • Ask more questions and be a better listener -- The most powerful communication technique I could give you is to become a master question asker. It does a couple of amazing things. First, it quiets your anxiety because listening is less stressful than talking. Second, it makes other people feel valued and cared about, which strengthens your relationships. Asking lots of questions and getting other people talking is the best way to interact when you are nervous or unsure. Before you go into an event, think about some questions you could ask people you meet to get to know them better. Being prepared with questions will boost your confidence.
  • Don't try humor -- If you aren't sure that something is funny or appropriate, don't say it. Humor requires confidence and being able to read the room. If you aren't sure about the story or how people will take it, it might be better to keep asking questions instead.
  • Get a wingman -- Find a friend with great social skills that you can take with you. Follow their lead and ask them to include you in conversation when it makes sense. Even if you take a friend who is also shy or introverted, it can make you feel safer and more confident. Find a friend who is also working on social skills and practice together, then make sure you celebrate your wins.
  • Choose open body language -- Watch other people's body language to see if they are open or closed. A closed person often has their arms folded and is turned slightly away. People who are confident take an open stance and even have their arms out. As you start to see this body language watching others, you can then start working on staying more open and friendly yourself. Make eye contact and smile at others, too. It makes a big difference in how other people respond to you.
  • Know your value doesn't change -- You can be open, vulnerable, and take chances socially. No matter the outcome, you will still have the same value as every other human on the planet. No matter how awkward a situation is, no matter what you end up doing or saying, it doesn't change your value. You have the power to choose to see all people's values as the same and unchangeable. If you do this, you will quickly become more comfortable and at ease around people. If no situation can change or diminish your value, there is no reason to be nervous.
  • Refute your negative thoughts -- It's really helpful to do this on paper. Write down all the negative thoughts you had during and after a social interaction. You might have thought things like, "No one likes me," "I am such a dork," or "I don't belong or fit in here." Take each thought and write about why it's not true or is a faulty belief or idea. Change them to things like: "Some people like me. And for most other people, I don't really know what they think so I can't assume it's negative. Most people are not thinking about me at all"; "I am not a dork. I'm just a human being battling fear just like everyone else"; "I don't need to fit or belong here. I just need to be friendly and kind and remember that we all have the same value no matter what."
  • A social situation isn't a performance -- You might feel like everyone is watching you, taking in everything you say, judging you, or deciding whether they like you, but the truth is they are probably too focused on themselves to be paying that much attention to you. Most of the things you are worried about weren't even noticed by others. You don't have to perform, entertain anyone, join every conversation, or even try to impress anyone. So, take the pressure off yourself and focus on asking questions and listening instead. Rest assured that you are more normal than you think.
If you think you are experiencing social anxiety (not just awkwardness), talk to a mental health professional and get some help. If you are just socially awkward at times because of fear and insecurity, you might want to find a coach or counselor that specializes in overcoming fear and can offer you some skills and tools for improving your communication.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: Allow people you love to be different from you

9/21/2020

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This was first published on ksl.com

SALT LAKE CITY — In this edition of LIFEadvice, Coach Kim shares some tips and tricks to improve your relationships.
​
Question:

My husband feels that when our adult kids come over for Sunday dinner that I act more childlike especially if we are playing some type of game. He thinks adults should never act like children and it bothers him. From my point of view, I work very hard and I enjoy having fun especially with our kids — and since I have to be serious all day at work, it is fun to let up a bit on occasion, but he does not appreciate it. How do I respond to this and what should I do differently? Should I change to please him? Should he want me to change or love me as I am?

Answer:

I have written quite a few times this year about how important it is that we allow others to be different from us. We all have a tendency to think the way we function in the world is the right way, and we subconsciously expect others to be the same and are irritated if they aren’t. This isn’t fair, right or workable in your relationships.

Every person comes with different perspectives, different internal wiring, a unique upbringing, and a different set of past experiences and views. They are, therefore, going to view and do life differently from how you do it. If you cannot allow them (and even honor and respect their right) to be who they are, the relationship is going to be a hard one and may not work.

Here are some tips, tricks, truths and rules of engagement to consider when you run into differences with someone you love:

1. If you have a different way of being that bothers your partner, you need to have a mutually validating conversation about it.

This means a conversation where you listen to their views, thoughts, feelings and concerns, and explore with your partner why the behavior triggers something negative in them. Try to understand why they feel the way they feel and honor and respect their right to feel that way. But this does not necessarily mean you should change the behavior.

2. If someone is unhappy with your behavior, you must ask yourself if you think the behavior is working for you.

Be honest with yourself and willing to see the problems or downsides of the behavior. Be willing to hear the other person's concerns about it and consider changing it. But, if you do this and you authentically like this part of yourself and think it’s working for you, ask them if they would be willing to listen to your feelings about it. Explain why it’s a part of you that is not going to change and that they will have to learn to accept. You could also look for some kind of compromise that might make you both feel honored and respected. But generally, you should not change who you authentically are unless you can see negatives in the behavior and agree that it’s not working for you.

In your specific situation with your childlike side, I tend to think you should honor and validate your partner’s feelings but continue to be you. If it doesn’t feel like a damaging enough or negative behavior that causes any real problems, your partner probably needs to learn to love you are you are.

3. You should always try to let the people you love be their authentic selves.

Allow others to have different views, beliefs, styles, routines and behaviors from yours. Never expect them to be like you. You can expect them to treat you with kindness, respect and love ,of course — and if they don’t, you should definitely talk about that — but personality type differences in behavior should be cherished, laughed at and even celebrated.

4. The key to changing another person’s view, is to be open to changing your life first.

If a person you love has major differences in values or morals, or they have views you really feel are wrong, you can speak your truth about this and even try to educate or change them, but you must do it the right way. You must first be just as willing to listen to their views as you are to talk about your own. You must handle the conversation with respect, seeing them as equal in value (because you aren’t perfect either). If you cannot approach them this way, with humility and respect, they will likely just get defensive and defend their right to be how they are. They will dig in their heels and refuse to change if you aren’t open to changing too.

5. Never assume your way of being is better or right, and others are wrong.

If you want a person to be open to learning and changing, you must be willing to listen and learn from them. You must be open to being wrong and learning something new yourself. This is the only way to encourage openness in them.

6. Be a safe place for each other.

The biggest problem I see in most relationships is that partners don’t feel safe enough to discuss critical issues with each other. They are both too quick to be offended and get defensive. They don’t feel safe with each other because they fear they are going to be made wrong or made to feel they aren’t good enough. The first thing that must change in these relationships is both partners must commit to be a safe place for the other, a place where the other's infinite value will be honored and their self-esteem protected.

7. Loved ones have more power to hurt us and, therefore, we must work twice as hard at being the cure to their fears.

We are all afraid we aren’t good enough and we aren’t safe. These are our deepest, darkest fears. We want, more than anything, to have the people we love most see us as good enough and to feel safe with them. Unfortunately, this sometimes doesn’t happen. The people we love disappoint us, let us down, irritate and offend us, and we in turn get critical and defensive. These fear reactions block our ability to love and cherish these people.

ConclusionIf you want to have healthy, rich, loving relationships, the most important thing you can do is make sure the people you love feel good enough and safe. You can literally be the cure to their core fears, instead of often being the cause. Be careful with criticism. Give lots of validation about everything they do right. Let them know, at the end of the day, they and their self-esteem are safe with you. Make it your No. 1 goal to give validation and reassurance to your partner on a daily basis. This will create a relationship based in love and trust.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: Who are the people that rankle you?

9/14/2020

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This was first published on ksl.com

SALT LAKE CITY — There are always people in your life who you take issue with or who rub you the wrong way. There may even be some humans you just can’t stand.

It is important that you take stock of these people and why you have strong feelings against them. Maybe they did something that offended you, or they just have personalities that irritate or annoy you. Whatever the problem is, these people are triggering you for a reason, and figuring out the reason behind those triggers is important.

The people who rankle you hold clues about your beliefs, judgments, shame and inner pain. They provide opportunities for you to learn about yourself and heal. But in order to use these experiences to heal yourself, you have to recognize that they aren’t just annoying people; they are perfect teachers in your classroom.

The most important thing they do for you is show you the limits of your love. You are a loving person with love to give to everyone around you, right up until you get to THOSE people. Then, you hit a limit. Your love doesn’t extend that far. This is a place where some really amazing growth can happen if you are willing to ask yourself some questions.
​
What does the person represent?

Think about one of these teachers in your life who is showing you the limits of your love. Then ask yourself the following:
  • What does that person represent? In other words, what bad behavior, fear, trait or attribute do they represent to you? There may be a few answers that come to mind.
  • Take each of those traits or behaviors and ask yourself: What is behind this trait or behavior that scares me? What will happen if that (scary thing) happens? What will that mean? See if you can get to the root fear about that behavior and what it means.
  • Take each root fear and ask yourself: Why do I feel threatened or unsafe when it comes to that idea? What about that attribute scares me in some way? Does this come from something in my past or childhood? Is it something that bothers me because of experiences that had nothing to do with this person? Did I have issues with that fear long before this person was even around? If the answer to any of these conditions is "yes," you now know this is your problem, not theirs.

This is where the work starts

Now you get to explore the part of you that feels unsafe by the trait, behavior or fear this person represents. Why do you feel "not good enough" or "not safe" in the world if that trait, behavior, or fear is in play? What healing needs to happen for you so you can heal that part of you?

You may want to find some professional help from a coach or counselor for this work, but whatever you do you cannot keep projecting the problem on and blaming this other person for the way you are being triggered. They are only in your life as a teacher to help you see the place you need to heal so you can work on it.

This idea may be one you have to process and think about before you believe it’s true or worth the work. It will always feel easier to keep blaming and shaming someone else. Your ego will really want to keep making it about other people and their issues because this feels safer. The problem is that teachers will keep coming and this problem will not go away. It will keep showing up until you are ready to work on you.

Everyone you dislike holds a secret of healing and help for you if you are willing to look for it, but there is something else even more helpful they can also give you.\

Learning to love yourself

Another crucial thing you must understand about the people that bother you is they also show you the limits of your love toward yourself. You can only love yourself as much as you can love your neighbors, and you can only love your neighbors as much as you can love yourself. You may not be aware of this connection or want to believe it, but I believe it’s true. If you hate the darkness in yourself, you will hate every bit of darkness you can find in others. If you are hateful toward others, you similarly won’t be able to love yourself.

As long as there are people whose darkness (bad behavior or faults) seem to you to make them unworthy of love, there will also be parts of yourself that you will also see as unworthy of love. It’s like there are two options when it comes to love, and you are going to have to choose one. If you don’t consciously choose one, you will subconsciously choose one, so you have to choose. The two options involve how you determine the value of all human beings.

Option 1 – People can be not good enough. This mindset means you see human value as changeable and something that must be earned. This means life is like a test and you gain points or lose points based on your appearance, performance, property and what others think of you. This also means that some humans have more value than other humans and that judging who is better or worse makes sense. If you choose this option, you will gossip, judge and criticize other people because you need to see them as worse than you to feel better about yourself. You will also battle a terrible fear of not being good enough (and have low self-esteem), no matter how hard you try. You will always find people who have things about them you don’t have and you will never feel good enough. You will also see all human beings as different from you and you will feel separate from them, and this will encourage you to make more divisions and groups, trying to find some group identity that would give you a sense of safety (even though that safety comes only from hating or condemning other people). Can you see this happening in our world right now?

Option 2 – All people are always good enough. This mindset means you see human value as infinite, absolute and unchangeable. This means all humans (without exception) have the exact same intrinsic worth and there is nothing anyone can do that gives them more value than any other human being. There is also nothing you can do to have less value than any other human being. No matter what anyone does they have the same intrinsic worth as the rest of us. This will make you feel connected to the whole human race and you won’t need to form groups and declare some people better or worse. You will understand that we are all equal but different. The more you allow every human being around you to be a struggling, scared student in the classroom of life — just like you — the more compassion you will have for yourself, too. When you allow others' value to be unchangeable and you see them as good enough and worthy of love, even when they are flawed, this also lifts your worth. You will start to have stable, solid self-esteem because there is no possibility of failure. Life is a classroom, not a test, and mistakes create the lessons we need to learn, but they don’t change our value. This mindset makes you feel safer with others and could literally create more peace on Earth.

You get to decide about 20 times a day, which mindset you will choose. Every time you are tempted to judge or find fault in another person you are choosing a mindset. If you choose condemnation and judgment, you must understand you are also choosing that for yourself. If they are not good enough, you aren’t good enough, either. The option you choose for them you also choose for yourself. You can’t have it both ways.

We are on this planet to evolve, grow and learn. Every experience you have here serves that purpose, even feelings of dislike toward other people. Take the time to pay attention and think about these interesting people in your life, I promise it will serve you.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: How anger is a request for love

6/29/2020

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NOT PUBLISHED ON KSL

​Watching the protests and riots across the country this weekend, I have been reminded of an important truth, which may help us understand anger and what is behind it. The truth is, anger comes from feeling threatened, unsafe, or unloved. When someone is angry or hurt, it is usually because they feel mistreated, taken from, or not cared about on some level. Watching the riots and looting can distract us from hearing what the anger is really about. Protesters are trying to express the pain they feel from long standing systemic racism and they are requesting love and fairness.

Before I explain how we need to listen and understand other people, it is important to understand what racism really is. In the book, White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo, she explains that we have been taught to see racism as "intentional acts of racial discrimination committed by immoral individuals". If you define racism this way, then most of us are not racist. The problem is that socialized racism is much bigger, more widespread, and more ingrained in each of us than this definition covers. An entrenched culture of racism in this country has made a large group of us feel rejected, disrespected, and unloved for a very long time. People of color are trying to tell us that they don’t feel valued, seen, appreciated, cared about, nor safe. They are in a fear state all the time and are tired of expecting mistreatment every time they leave their house. This is something that as a white person, we cannot even begin to understand, but we have to try and we have to listen.

The pain and anguish that people of color feel, includes rejection, inferiority, hate, shame, and anger at not being seen as the precious, infinitely, absolutely, and equally valuable beings they are. They are children of God made in His image, by Him, and of Him, though they rarely feel treated as such. It is important to understand that these angry emotions are a desperate request for love, acceptance, equality, kindness, respect, and brotherhood. The anger is not born of hate, it is born of love, and a hope that the world will finally love them in the way they (and all humans) deserve.

We need to listen and understand what their anger is saying and we need to listen at a deeper level than we are used to going. Most of the time when you listen to another person, you are primarily listening to help you formulate what you are going to say back. Rarely are you open enough to hear, understand, validate, and even change your opinions, based on their thoughts and feelings. Most of the time you don't listen to understand and learn something new. Our ego's are not comfortable with this level of listening, because it opens us up to being wrong.

The time has come for better listening to other people and this means setting down our defensiveness and even be open to attack, guilt, and shame for our ignorance and selfishness (something all white people are guilty of, simply because the problems of racism don’t affect us. We haven’t cared enough to change, because life the way it is, is comfortable for us and doesn't cause us pain.)

Instead of defending ourselves or speaking about our moral views and opinions, we need to stop talking and really listen. We have to look behind their anger so we can understand what drives it. We must also understand that anger, acting out, and lashing out are, at their core, a plea or request for love. We know this because all behavior is either loving or a request for love.

If you will really think about the last time you got really angry, you will see that you also felt unloved, unappreciated, or unvalued at some level. Your anger was a request for love too.

Obviously anger and violence is not the best way to request love, but we all request love this way. When you and I feel unloved or mistreated we lash out too, and the other person we are angry with, often sees our anger as an attack against them. They very rarely can see the bad behavior as a request for love. Nevertheless, that is exactly what it is. I am not going to tell you it is easy to see anger accurately though. It takes wisdom and maturity to see behavior as coming from fear of not being loved (respected or cared for), but we can do it with practice.

Our brothers and sisters of color want us to see them. They want us to see their hearts, their struggles, their pain, worthiness, glory, divinity, goodness, godliness, and worth. They want us to understand no person exists that God did not create. No one exists who is not worthy of respect, honor, and love. When you look at any human being, you must see God in them and you must be open and willing to listen and understand them. You must validate their right to feel mistreated, and remember that you cannot begin to understand what life in their shoes has been like.

So, what can you do?
  1. You can see anger as a request for love and reach out to any and all people of color and let them know you see, love, and appreciate them.
  2. You can give up judgment and stop being critical of others, no matter who they are.
  3. You can see all humans as the same in value and worth, and worthy of respect, kindness, and love, regardless of the ways they may be different from you.
  4. You can use your voice to vote, peacefully protest, stand in solidarity, and speak up whenever you see another human being mistreated.
  5. You can donate to charities that are fighting injustice and fighting for equality.
  6. You can smile, say hello and offer kindness to all you meet.
  7. You can decide to see human value as unchangeable and no aspect of appearance, performance, property or popularity can affect it.
  8. You can educate yourself on the facts about racism and discrimination. You can read books and watch documentaries that broaden your understanding. You can trust others that racism exists even if you don’t see it. You can find books to read, watch documentaries, and actually put time and effort into learning to understand the ways we are all subconsciously racist.
  9. You can apologize for not educating yourself sooner. You can understand that ignorance isn’t innocence, and own that you are more racially biased than you think. You can work on your subconscious racial biases by noticing, watching, and reading materials that help you change it.
  10. You can start caring about what other people are going through. You can refuse to stay in your safe bubble and ignore the suffering of others.
  11. You can remember that people might be different from you and they may be having a very different classroom journey than yours, but they are no less valuable. I believe that differences exist, to challenge us and push the limits of our love. You need people who are different and that challenge you, trigger your fears, and push your buttons. These people become the best teachers in your life, as they show you the limits of your love, so you can work on them.
Take this challenge this week and watch for opportunities to stretch the limits of your love, educate yourself, exercise compassion, and understand and listen to the pain other people are feeling. Humans are only capable of two behaviors, love and the lack of love (which is a request for love). If anyone is showing up without love, you know it is only through love that their wounds can be healed. You have the power to be love in every room, with every person you meet, that is where you can start.

You can do this.
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June 24th, 2020

6/24/2020

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​SALT LAKE CITY — The truth is, we all have a shadow side that encourages ego and bad behavior.

You are a nice, kind, caring person, but there is also a part of you that is selfish, petty, lazy, controlling and angry. You have this dark side because there has to be opposition in everything (the ying and the yang). Knowing this and understanding your two sides can actually help you to become a better person.

What psychology teaches us

Sigmund Freud taught that all humans have three sides: an id (our dark side), a superego (our higher thinking, moral side), and an ego that tries to manage and balance the other two in a way that will make other people like you. Carl Jung, who was the first to use the term "shadow side" said it is made up of all the qualities and behaviors society taught us are unacceptable.

We were taught as children that a “good person” functions only in their Superego — being nice, kind, proper, composed and self-sacrificing all the time. We were taught that taking care of our own needs is selfish and giving in to improper thoughts makes us a bad person. This isn’t necessarily true, though. If you do nothing but sacrifice yourself for others, you will soon have nothing left to give, and there is a high cost when you are too nice all the time.

Dark or improper thoughts don’t go away either. Sometimes the more we try to suppress them, the more insistent they become, whispering and nudging you to be selfish, take care of your needs, seek pleasure or be petty or mean. You fight this nudging and work to suppress that negative voice, but maybe you need to listen to it and make note of what it’s saying.

All human emotions teach you something

You are on earth to feel every aspect of the human experience firsthand for what these experiences can teach you. This means feeling joy, happiness, acceptance, love, success, empathy, sympathy and humility. But it also means feeling shame, guilt, anger, superiority, failure, hate, desire, passion, selfishness and jealousy. These are all the fabric of being human. If you try to suppress any part of this, without processing the emotion or the experience, you are suppressing part of who you are and missing part of your classroom.

Dark and negative emotions and thoughts are there to teach you lessons, and if you never allow yourself to process them, they will keep coming back until you do or they might get bigger. How can you work on changing or shifting negative thinking or behavior, if you never look at it?

Try shadow journaling

I often recommend to clients — especially those that are trying really hard to be nice and loving all the time or who are really fighting with negative thinking — to start a shadow journal (or do shadow journaling on paper) that you will destroy after writing, because this will not be for your grandchildren to read one day.

This is a place to process your emotions in. When someone triggers a negative emotion or thought in you, get this journal or some paper out and write down every dark thought and impulse that shows up. Write down the awful ideas and responses your shadow side comes up with. Write about the jealousy or the anger you have toward this person. Write everything that you wouldn’t want anyone to know you actually thought. Let yourself be your worst self — that is the point of the exercise. Go where you usually would not allow yourself to go. Be petty, immature, angry, or full of self-pity.

Then, sit back and look at what your voice of fear/ego had to say. Process this by asking yourself these questions:
  • What can these emotions or ideas be here to teach me?
  • How is this experience my perfect classroom?
  • What did I need to see in myself so I could work on it?
  • What is the fear behind all this anger?
  • What would the outcome look like if I gave into these thoughts?
  • What other perspective options do I have other than this one?
  • What is the pettiness, jealousy, anger or rage really about?
  • Is there an incident in my past that his situation brought up?
  • Am I wanting to punish this person for an issue that I had long before they showed up?
  • What is the core issue inside me, that this has brought to light so I could make some changes? What changes in me are needed here?
  • How can I work on it?
Remember this shadow side is your ego (or Id) talking; it’s not the real you. The real you is your love, but this voice is required inside your head so you can understand both sides of the human experience. Also, remember everyone has a shadow side, and you are not better or worse than anyone else for having it. We all have both love and fear inside us, and understanding this can make you less judgmental.

Some experts, like Dr. Aziz Gazipura, believe not processing your negative thoughts can lead to health problems down the road. In his book "Not Nice," Gazipura said, "Avoiding your shadow side creates a host of problems in your life, ranging from depression to physical pain. This is because it takes a great deal of energy to keep something down and out of awareness. The more we avoid it, the more scared of it we become… while befriending it gives you greater self-control and radically increases your self-esteem. It turns out your shadow is your greatest source of power."

Just like pain is an indicator that something is wrong that needs attention, negative emotions and dark thoughts also have something to teach you. Processing them and getting real about what they say, and the behavior they recommend (instead of hiding it away) gives you the chance to fix underlying beliefs and fears. For example, If a great deal of hate shows up toward a specific person, this is something you really need to explore. There is something in that hate that is tied to how you feel about yourself. You need to figure out what that person triggers in you and how that is your fear issue to solve.

You may want to find a coach or counselor, who can help you process these thoughts and feelings in a safe environment. If what shows up really scares you or is tied to addiction, abuse or mental illness, find a licensed mental health professional or program to assist you.

You can do this.
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