This was first published on KSL.com

I've heard from quite a few people this week who are stressed about the quarrels and family drama that so often accompany Thanksgiving dinner.

So, here are a few things to think about that might help you experience more love toward your relatives this year.
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Who and what are you?

This is one of the most important questions you will answer in your life. It's important because your beliefs about your creation, your nature and your intrinsic worth create the lens through which you see the world. You literally see the world as you see yourself. Every choice, reaction and emotion reveals how you feel about yourself. What is your worst behavior saying about who and what you think you are?

Where does your value come from?

Right now, you subconsciously believe your beliefs, ideas, appearance, property and accomplishments determine your value. You likely believe your value must be earned, which means you also believe some people are better or worse than you. This belief is the reason you might see yourself as not good enough, but these are all just beliefs. They are not facts, which means you can change them any time you want.

You could choose to believe that your value is not tied to anything you have done or achieved. It is not based on how you look or what anyone thinks of you, and your performance and mistakes can't change it. You could choose to believe your value is tied to only one thing: your perfect, irreplaceable, divine creation by God or the universe.

Stop believing you create your own value

You didn't and don't create yourself, nor do you decide or determine your value, nor is it affected by what other people think of you. The only opinion that matters is the one who created us. This higher power gave all humans the same divine, infinite value, which doesn't change and isn't in question (at least you have the option of believing this idea is truth).

Robert Perry in his writing about self-esteem said, "If you were a homeless person without a penny, dirty and disheveled, forgotten by everyone, all of this limitless self-worth would still be yours. It has nothing to do with anything particular to you. In this sense, nothing particular about you matters. Your special talents, your special traits, your special place in the world—none of them can increase your self-worth one bit. It is already infinite. For you are the son (or daughter) of God."

Choosing to see people this way could change everything.

You aren't powerful enough to diminish your value

You could choose to believe that you were created by divine love, through divine love and as divine love, and that your value comes from this alone, is innate inside you and never changes. You could choose to believe your achievements, behavior, intelligence, appearance and popularity have no effect on your Identity or worth. While they might change your extrinsic value as the world sees it, they cannot change your intrinsic worth at all.

This means all your efforts to earn your value through your appearance or performance are futile. Think about this: God, or the universe, did not give you the power to diminish his creation (you) or make it worthless. He didn't give you the power to ruin yourself or discount his creation. Nothing you do or don't do can usurp his valuation of you.

When you start to internalize this truth, you will also begin to gain compassion for the imperfect humans around you. They, just like you, are perfectly created students in the classroom of life and their value is not in question either. They, like you, are here in life school to learn to love themselves and other people at a higher level. They, like you, are struggling with fears that get in the way and create bad behavior.

The way you see other people is the way you see yourself

If you harbor any hate or negative feelings toward any other person, it is a sign to you that you lack love for yourself. If you want to learn to love yourself more, you must stop attacking others and seeing them as worse or less than. The way you love yourself is often a reflection of the way you see other people and vice versa.

The Course in Miracles says, "When you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter. As you see him you will see yourself. As you treat him you will treat yourself. As you think of him you will think of yourself. Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself or lose yourself."

Choose love toward the people who bother you most

This doesn't mean you have to hang out with abusive, hurtful or negative people and spend time with them. You can have healthy boundaries and stand up for yourself, but you can do this from a place of strength, wisdom and love. You can choose to see everyone that God has created as a perfect part of your perfect classroom journey. You can see them as infinitely valuable human souls, even if you don't want to spend time with them.

You could choose to believe that nothing exists in your life that wasn't created to educate and grow you. You could choose to see the people in your life as perfect teachers, whose behavior is always serving you, even when they are driving you crazy. These teachers push your buttons and offend you to give you a chance to practice standing firm in your value, knowing you cannot be diminished, trusting you are here to learn and grow, and choosing love toward yourself and others even when it's hard. This is actually the purpose of everything you experience.

Bad behavior is often a request for love

You might approach family gatherings this year as a chance to work on loving yourself and others more fully. You will do this because you want to increase your love and compassion for yourself. In order to love yourself more, you must stretch the limits of your love and choose to see the humans around you as divinely created, struggling, infinitely valuable students in the classroom of life — just like you.

Choose to see their unloving behavior as a reflection of their lack of love for themselves. They are most likely projecting their lack of love for themselves onto you, though they can't see this. They are probably in fear that they aren't good enough or safe. These fears encourage them to attack others in order to see others as beneath them, get defensive, or show off because they believe they must do these things to be safe. But none of these behaviors is about you.

It helps me to believe that humans are only capable of two things: being loving and requesting love. This means all bad behavior is a request for love. Bad behavior is a sign they aren't OK. People who create family drama and conflict are never the ones with solid self-esteem, inner strength and wisdom. They are the ones who are blinded by fear and need love most, even though they are often the hardest to love.

Use family gatherings as love practice

This year, you might choose someone who you struggle to love and focus on seeing them more accurately. See their divinely bestowed and permanent value (which is the same as yours) and look for the fear that is preventing them from being loving. Are they scared, insecure or hurting? Allow them to be where they are in their unique classroom journey. Choose to see them as doing the best they can with what they know. They just can't see what they can't see. Try to tune into God's love for them and see if you can feel it.

If you must, limit your interactions with these difficult people to protect yourself; that's OK. You can practice loving them from afar, maybe from across the room or from the safety of your own home. Just practice choosing a mindset of love and accuracy toward them and it will still improve your self-esteem and make your holiday more positive and thankful.

You can do this.

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:
My young adult child is facing a whole bunch of scary decisions right now that will change the course of his life. He is having the hardest time making these choices because he is so afraid of making a mistake. I wondered if you had some advice for him since you often talk about fear.

Answer:
Whenever you have trouble making a big decision there is probably some fear in the mix. For many of us, this fear causes paralysis where it feels safer to avoid choosing than to take the chance that we will make a wrong choice. Most of the time it's one of the following three fear issues that is causing the standstill.

1. It's a fear-of-failure problem. You might be afraid that if you choose one option, you won't be able to be successful at it and will end up a failure. You might even believe you could be a failure just for making the wrong choice. Fear of failure is also in play when you are afraid of looking bad or being judged for your choice. All of these possibilities make it safer to stall.
2. It's a fear-of-loss problem. You might be afraid if you choose one option, you would be losing out on the other. Every time you come to a crossroads and have to choose a path, you are going to miss out on whatever is down the other side. This means every choice will have loss in it because you always lose something you didn't choose. It is common to get stuck here because the feelings of loss are so acute.
3. It's a fear of success problem. You might be afraid of the commitments and responsibilities that would come from choosing an option and going for it. This is really about being afraid that later, down the road, you won't be able to hack it.

It is helpful if you can tell which one of these fear issues is in play for you — and it could be more than one — because that will help you to understand which faulty beliefs are in play in your head.
Below are some steps I have used with coaching clients to help them remove the fear and make a love- or value-driven decision. Making a decision based on avoiding fear will never be the choice that is right for you long-term. It's much better to clear away the fear and listen to your heart (inner-GPS/intuition) to guide you.

Choose to believe that your value can't change

Choose a new belief that human value doesn't go up and down because it's unchangeable. This means every human being has the same intrinsic value as every other. This means no matter which option you choose, and no matter how it goes down the road, you still have the same value as every other human on the planet.
There is nothing you can do and no choice you can make that can diminish your value. These different paths are just signing you up for different classroom journeys; but no matter which class you are in, your value is the same.

Choose to believe that your life is always the perfect classroom journey for you

No matter which choice you make, the universe will co-create with you the perfect classroom journey for you. This means you are safe no matter what you choose. You cannot make a mistake; you can only make a choice and trust God and the universe to use that choice to give you the perfect journey you need to grow and learn.
If you believe this is true, there is no loss. You are never missing anything you were meant to have. You can never get less than the perfect journey for you. Listen to your heart and intuition; it's like an inner-GPS that always knows which path is the classroom journey for you.

Narrow the choices down to 2 options and process through them

If you are having trouble narrowing your choices down, put each option on a card and spread them out on a table in front of you. Play a game where you choose one to take off and throw in the garbage. Then, sit with what's left and see how it feels.
If you feel good about what's left, keep going. If it feels wrong, put that option back on the table. Play this until you have two options left.
Once you have your two options, put them through the following process:

1. Make a list of all the reasons you are scared to choose each option. What are you afraid of when you consider option A and what are you afraid of about option B? Set this list aside.
2. Write down the love/value/passion reasons you would want to choose option A and option B. What are the key benefits each option would give you? Try to come up with four benefits for each option. I have a free worksheet that takes you through this on my website (link in bio).
3. Rank the choices. Now that you have identified eight benefits total for both options, take those benefits and rank them independent of which option they came from. Figure out which is the best and most important in your life, based on your value system, and make it No. 1. Figure out which is the least good and least important in your life and make it No. 8. Then, rank the others in between until you have each benefit ranked by how important it is in your life.
4. Assign the following scores: Ranking No. 1 gets 15 points; No. 2 gets 13 points; No. 3 gets 11 points; No. 4 gets nine points; No. 5 gets seven points; No 6 gets five points; No. 7 gets three points; No. 8 gets one point.
5. Total the points and move the options. Take the points for each benefit and move them back to the two options. Total the points for each option, and one option will mathematically win as being more consistent with your values. This points process is much more effective than simply writing down the pros and cons. What you need to know is which option fits best with your personal values.
6. Try the answer on for a while. Decide that whatever option won is the choice you are going to make. Don't do anything to start down that road yet, but assume the choice is made. Then, see how you feel as you try on the choice (for few hours to a few days). Does your inner GPS feel peaceful and content with this choice, or is it still bugging you and feeling wrong? If you cannot get a peaceful feeling from this, then choose the other option and try it on for a while. See if you can feel calm about that choice. Sometimes your inner GPS doesn't agree with your value systems, and then you have to decide which to trust. I personally trust my inner GPS more, and most of my clients over the years have agreed. But you will have to play with it and see how you feel.

Understand that you are the only one entitled to the answer to this decision

You can ask others for advice as research and gather information before you decide. But at the end of the day, you are the only one entitled to knowing your perfect classroom journey path. Don't let anyone else push you toward the answer they think is best; they aren't entitled to the answer on this. Trust yourself.
The 10 years after high school are years filled with life-altering decisions, and anxiety is sure to accompany this. It's important that you choose to believe you cannot make a mistake. Whatever you choose will be the perfect classroom journey for you, so do your best to think it through, try these techniques, and then just make a choice and start moving.
Many people change their career or degree later on, or get divorced and remarried. These situations are not ideal, but they also don't mean you are a failure or made a mistake. Choose to see them as perfect lessons you needed. Trust that, in the end, you will be the best you and all your experiences will have served you to get there.
You can do this.