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Coach Kim: The bigger problem COVID-19 may be creating in your home

7/27/2020

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This was first published on KSL.COM

Many mental health professionals say that during this pandemic mental health matters more than ever. There are serious mental health consequences that show up for people suffering from sustained fear. The American Journal of Managed Care notes that you can start to feel a dissociation from your identity, you can find it harder to feel loving feelings, you can experience mood swings, depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive thoughts, and/or learned helplessness, where you give up believing help or an end to suffering exists.

If you read my column on a regular basis, you know my passion for helping people deal with fear — and specifically what I call the two core fears: The fear of failure (which is the fear of not being good enough) and the fear of loss (which is the fear of not being safe).

Right now, people all over the world are battling a more than normal amount of fear that they aren’t safe. We are all afraid of loss. We are afraid of getting sick, losing family or friends, afraid of police brutality, protests or riots, afraid that the election might create more turmoil or violence, afraid of business failures and/or losing our jobs. The entire world is holding its breath to see what unknown problems lie around the bend next.

It might help your family to talk about safety and where a sense of safety can come from. The truth is life will always be uncertain and full of risk. Bad things happen and there is no way to protect ourselves from all of life’s dangers. You could make an argument that fear and stress are even warranted, but there is a high cost to living in fear of loss.

When you feel unsafe in the world, it diminishes your capacity to care for and love other people. It hinders your ability to connect, it makes you feel separated, isolated and alone. It makes you quicker to take offense and see yourself as mistreated, which creates more conflict.

You might have noticed that your family members have been more easy to offend lately, or that there have been more disagreements. Some of this is from spending too much time together, but part of it is also coming from the sustained fear of loss we are all experiencing.

'It's just a story' strategy

It would serve us all to learn a strategy for eliminating fear of loss and feeling safer. I teach my coaches that the best way out of the "I am not safe in the world" belief, is to remember it’s just a story. The way you feel about anything is coming from the story you are telling yourself about it. You might, in fact, be very safe at this moment and there might be good things around the next bend for you. There is no way to know what is coming next. No matter what you believe, it is a story.

This means that standing in this moment you have two basic story choices:
  1. You can choose the story that life is dangerous and bad things happen, and you can experience fear, stress, selfishness, anxiety and uncertainty, or
  2. You can choose a story that says God created this entire universe for the purpose of our education and growth (and this is consistent no matter your religious beliefs), and this means that nothing can happen to you here that doesn’t serve the purpose of educating and growing you.
Which story you choose will not affect the outcome or what happens, but it will greatly affect the quality of your life. Choosing a story that gives purpose to your life can actually make you feel safer here. It is also taking control of your life experiences and what they mean, and giving yourself the power to handle whatever comes in a more positive way.

Trust God and the universe

You might want to gather your family and talk about what you truly believe the point and purpose of our being on the planet is. Talk about whether you see this universe is a place of chaos or a place of order.

Go through the following questions:
  • Does anything exist God or the universe did not create?
  • What does that ultimately mean?
  • Does it make any sense that God or the universe would create order everywhere except for with the one thing he cares about most, which is your education?
  • Wouldn’t it make sense that we always get the perfect classroom journey for us?
  • Could God and the universe work with your choices (agency) and moment by moment co-create the perfect lessons for each soul?
  • If you trusted this was true, would you feel in God’s hands every moment and could this make you feel safer?
  • Could it help you trust God more?

​Start practicing trusting God and the universe that you are safe during the little inconveniences and problems that show up every day. Could you see a flat tire, a canceled plan, or an unexpected mess as your perfect classroom journey today? Could you choose to feel safe in those moments, trusting that God and the universe have you and the setback is a blessing in disguise? Playing with small losses now helps you to have strong "trust muscles" on a really bad day.


Choosing to trust that God and the universe are on your side, and constantly conspiring to bless and grow you, makes a big difference on your stress level. Give it a try for yourself. You can do this.

More tips and resources

Here are some other ways to help your family cope with stress and fear:
  1. Find a mental health professional if you see signs of increasing depression or anxiety. It is always best to seek help at the first sign of a problem.
  2. Take breaks from watching or reading the news and stay off social media. Get outside in nature.4. Get more exercise.
  3. Eat healthy meals.
  4. Get plenty of sleep.
  5. Create a routine of healthy habits and stick to it.
  6. Avoid alcohol and drug use.
  7. Connect with people using technology if you can’t do it face-to-face.
  8. Seek out community and religious organizations that can help you with additional resources.
Keep these numbers handy:
  • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) for English, 1-888-628-9454 for Spanish
  • National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 or text LOVEIS to 22522
  • Veteran’s Crisis Line 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
  • SAMHSA Suicide Prevention
  • Five steps for talking to someone at risk for suicide
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Coach Kim: Check to make sure you see people accurately

7/20/2020

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This was first published on ksl.com

The French-born author Anais Nin, wrote about an old Talmudic philosophy that says we can only dream about things we have previously encountered or thought. So, "We don’t see things as they are, we see the world as we are," Nin says.

The way this works is that if you grew up in a stable, emotionally and mentally healthy family, you probably see the world as stable and safe. If you grew up in a violent, abusive, or unhealthy family, you will be more likely to view the world as an unsafe, violent place. You will always subconsciously project your world onto the world you see.

This also applies to the way you see other people. You subconsciously project your experience of what you are like onto others and assume they are just like you, or they should be. When they don’t act like you, you are often shocked.

According to an article from the American Psychological Association, neuroscientist Vittorio Gallese said, "It seems we’re wired to see other people as similar to us, rather than different. At the root, as humans we identify the person we’re facing as someone just like ourselves."

You see other people as you are, and you subconsciously expect them to behave as you would. The problem is that other people are just not wired like you are. They have had very different life experiences, so they cannot possibly see the world (or behave) the same way you do.

Some inaccurate projections

Here are some other ways this tendency to project yourself onto others shows up:
  • You assume other people think like you do. This means that if you are terribly afraid you aren’t good enough, you will assume other people think you are not good enough, too. It is actually highly likely that these people don’t think about you at all and worrying about what they think is pointless.
  • You believe other people would do what you would do in the same situation. This is why many cheaters accuse their spouses of cheating. They would do it, so they assume you would too.
  • You get the most bothered by behaviors you do, too. These behaviors bother you in yourself, and they really trigger you when you see them in other people. I call this the "You Spot it You Got it Rule." It means that if you hate controlling people, it’s usually because you like to be in control of yourself. If you are a kind person, you will usually see kindness in others. The people around you can serve as mirrors to help you work on yourself if you let them.
  • We tend to see what we want to see in others. Some researchers call this motivated perception. Our perception of this is almost always biased, selective and malleable. You might have trouble with this in relationships because you see your partner as a certain type of person when that isn’t really who they are.

Consequences of inaccurate projections

All of these perceptions, or mind tricks, can create fallout in your relationships. Here are some common ways they might affect your life:
  • You might have expectations of your loved ones that really aren’t fair. Your partner or child is most likely not wired the same way you are. They don’t highly value the same things and they have different fear triggers. They have had different life experiences and different beliefs, so you cannot expect them to be like you or behave like. You must learn to love them as they are (they can improve themselves, but rarely can they change their basic subconscious programming). I am a very driven self-motivated person and I have a daughter who is more creative, artistic and laid back. I spent years making her feel bad for not being more driven. Once I accepted her as she is, our relationship greatly improved.
  • You might be a hypocrite. You might get really bothered when your spouse looks at their phone while they are driving, knowing that you do the same thing yourself. Most of the couples that come to me for coaching are complaining about their partner not giving them enough attention and not meeting their needs, while they are actually doing the same thing to that partner.
  • You might miss red flags. You might see just the good in people and totally miss some bad because you assume they are good people like you.
  • You might read negativity and rejection into situations when it isn’t really there. If you believe you are too overweight and you hate that about yourself, you will feel rejection from the people around you and assume it’s about your weight. You might be wrong about all of it.

Making changes

Obviously, the problem is that we are (for the most part) blind to our subconscious projections. We cannot tell that we aren’t seeing accurately, so awareness is the most important thing if we are going to change our projections. Start noticing your thoughts and assumptions about other people and question them.

Ask yourself:
  • Is there any chance that I am not seeing this person and their behavior inaccurately?
  • Am I expecting them to be like me?
  • Can I allow them to be different?
  • Is there a chance I do the very thing I am bothered at them over?
  • Am I seeing what I want to see?
Be open to the possibility that the truth is different than what you think. Be willing to allow others to be different from you without seeing their way as wrong. Different is just different, not better or worse. Always assume that both perspectives have an equal amount of truth and projection in them. Yours is always flawed to some degree and so is theirs.

As a coach, I use personality tests to show my clients the ways they are different and similar to the other important people in their lives. These tests help them to understand why other people see the world in a different way, which creates compassion. Hope this helps you.

You can do it.
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Coach Kim: Are you sarcastic or just mean?

7/13/2020

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This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

My wife says that my sarcasm and sarcastic comments hurt her and my children, while I think they need to lighten up and understand teasing. Sarcasm has always seemed intelligent humor in my family and I think she is being too sensitive. Since we both read your articles we wondered what you would say about it.

Answer:

Most sarcastic people consider themselves both intelligent and funny, but I am sorry to say I agree with your wife that it can often be mean. This is because sarcastic comments, though humorous, are usually passive-aggressive, mean and uncomfortable for the people receiving them.

The dictionary defines sarcasm as "the use of irony to mock or convey contempt" and "a sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark." Neither of these definitions sound like validating communication to me.

You might see your sarcastic comments as teasing, but you must stop and think about how those comments really feel to the people in your life. Don’t think that by saying "just kidding" after a sarcastic remark it is now OK, especially if it was a hurtful comment. Most sarcastic people do see themselves as funny, but often they are the only ones laughing.

As a human behavior expert, I find it is always helpful to figure out why you are behaving the way you are. There are always reasons, beliefs or programs driving our behavior. When you understand why you feel the need to be sarcastic, you can then decide if it is really working for you.

Reasons for sarcasm

Here are some common reasons you might be sarcastic:

1. You fear you aren’t good enough, so you subconsciously put others down so you can feel superior.

The worse you feel about yourself, the more stinging your remarks toward others could be. People who don’t like themselves often put others down or tease them, in order to feel more important themselves. If this is your reason for being sarcastic, you may need some professional coaching or counseling to work on your self-esteem.

2. Sarcasm is also a way of asking for what you want when you are scared to ask for it directly.

You might crack a joke about your wife’s crazy shoes because you don’t know how to just say you don’t like them and wish she wouldn’t wear them. Instead, your sarcastic remark leaves your wife questioning what you really think. Were you joking or serious? When you don’t know how to say things in a kind way, you might make a joke, which probably hurts the other person, but it also creates a place where if she takes offense, it’s her problem, not yours. If you do this, you might need to learn some better communication skills.

3. Sarcasm can be passive-aggressive anger.

This happens when you feel taken from, insulted or annoyed by another person and you really want to get them back but know you can’t do that directly. Sarcasm is a way to take a stab at them without being seen as mean or bad. A joke feels like it absolves you of responsibility for their feelings. If this is your problem, you need to resolve the issue you are angry about. This passive-aggressive behavior actually makes you look bad too.

4. You may feel angry at life for the disappointments or abuse you have suffered.

Sarcasm can be a way to take out your anger about disappointments or vent your frustration. The more your life goes wrong, the more biting your remarks toward others could get. If this is your problem, you need to change the way you see your life experiences so they make you better, not bitter.

5. If you were made to feel small as a child, you may be trying to feel superior now.

If you were teased in a cruel way, put down, or made to feel small or unimportant as a child, you may be subconsciously trying to feel superior now. You may look down on other people and jokingly jab at them as a way to feel powerful. Again, if this is your problem, you may need to improve your self-esteem so you can show up with more love.

6. You might like to get attention by entertaining those around you with humor.

If this is true, you probably need this attention to validate your worth because, again, you might have low self-esteem. You might need attention so badly you will sacrifice other people to get it. Fear creates very selfish subconscious behavior, but this can be fixed. There are lots of ways to be funny without hurting other people.

How to be less sarcastic

Just take a minute and honestly ask yourself if any of these reasons or problems could be behind your need to be sarcastic. Then, ask yourself the following questions:
  • What are you trying to accomplish with your communication?
  • What kind of relationships do you want with the people in your life? Do you want them to feel safe with you and to talk with you? Do you care?
  • Is humor worth it if it is at the expense of others’ feelings?
  • Do you want to build relationships of trust and love, or are you only interested in entertaining yourself?
You may need to practice "THINK before you speak," a technique to check yourself before you say anything. Stop (before you open your mouth) and ask yourself "Is what I am about to say true? Helpful? Inspiring? Necessary? Kind?" — one word for each letter in the word THINK.

You can be funny all you want; but if you do it at the expense of other people, there will be consequences. People may never feel safe with you. People may start to dislike you. If the people on the receiving end of your sarcasm are your friends and family, the cost for your humor may be high.

How do deal with a sarcastic person

If you are living with a sarcastic person here are a few suggestions for dealing with it:
  • Work on getting rock-solid self-esteem yourself.
  • Either ignore mean comments, giving them no attention at all, or call them out and ask the sarcastic person if they meant their comment to be as mean as it sounded.
  • Treat every sarcastic remark as literal. Not seeing the joke will take the fun out of it, and their comment will just look mean. Ask if their comment was meant to make you feel small, or make them look clever or funny.
  • Talk about it. Have a mutually validating conversation and ask if they are open to hearing how their sarcastic comments make you feel? Would they be willing to cut the sarcasm in favor of a better relationship?
Your wife is telling you that your comments are damaging your relationships; that should be enough to make you seriously look at your communication style and decide what kind of relationships you want to have.

I realize if you grew up in a sarcastic family, your programming for this teasing runs deep. You are going to have to stay committed to working on this to make this change but keep at it. It’s worth it.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: How to change your motivation and get more done

7/6/2020

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This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

I enjoy reading your articles, but one question I have is about how to stay motivated. I used to operate out of fear of failure all the time; but once I learned that I have value no matter what I do, I feel less motivated to work or do anything. I used to do most things because I was trying to earn other people’s approval. How do I stay motivated to be a high achiever now?
​
Answer:

You have to switch to love motivation now, but it is foreign territory to most of us because we have been taught to be fear-motivated all our lives. Our parents told us to be good or we would be grounded or punished. We had to work hard in school so we wouldn’t get bad grades. The world, in general, instills fear of failure, which makes us compete and compare ourselves with others to have any value at all.

I have found the only way to improve self-esteem is to change the fundamental system upon which you base the value of human beings. Right now, many of us see human value as changeable, which means we see some humans as having more or less value than other humans. This means no matter how hard we try to improve ourselves, we will always find people who seem to be doing better and we will always be afraid we aren’t good enough.

The only way to rid yourself of fear of failure and constant insecurity lies in changing this fundamental belief. You must choose to believe that all humans have the same, infinite, absolute, unchanging value all the time — no matter their appearance, performance, property or popularity. But it doesn’t work unless you give up all judgment of others. You must quit judging and start letting every other person be good enough. The more you do this, the quicker you’ll understand that this also applies to you, and you no longer have anything to fear.

You’ll soon see that comparison makes no sense, and this is where the problem you described with your motivation begins. Your fear motivation doesn’t make sense anymore; and if you don’t replace it with a different “why,” you can start to be too content with where you are. Add to this trust in the universe that it always sends the perfect classroom journey for you, and you get even more overly content.

To fix this you have to understand the three types of fear motivation and how to replace them with love motivation.

Perfectionism fear motivation

Perfectionism fear motivation shows up any time you attach your value to (seeing it as affected by) anything in your life. You might think you have to perform or look perfect in order to have value.

Think about why you clean your house. If you are perfection-motivated, then every time you see the house messy you feel like a failure. You need the house to look perfect to think you have any value. The funny thing about this form of motivation is that sometimes it is not motivating. Sometimes it feels safer not to try something than it is to do it imperfectly.

To fix this, you must come up with a new love-motivated reason to clean the house. You might decide to provide this beautiful clean environment for your family because you love them. This will make it easier to let the house go if other activities with the family come up that would show love even more. You don’t need the house clean anymore. You just like to provide a clean house when you can.

Obligation fear motivation


Obligation fear is the motivation that says you should do this, you ought to do this, you have to do this, or you need to do this — whether you want to or not. These are usually tasks you don’t want to do, but you feel fear and guilt about if you don’t. Think about why you diet or exercise. Do you do it because you want to or because you should? Do you bypass the cake and eat a salad because you want to or because you feel you need to? This form of motivation might not be a great motivator, either. Because you really don’t want to do these things, your motivation won’t last.

To fix this, you must either find a form of exercise that you love to do or good healthy recipes that you would love to eat. You aren’t really going to stay motivated until you bring passion and love into it. Or set a goal to lose weight not to look better or earn approval, but because you love yourself and want to feel healthy and strong.

People-pleasing fear motivation

People-pleasing fear motivation says you must do this to be accepted or earn approval from others. Think about why you spend time and energy picking the right outfit or fixing your hair. Are you doing it because you want others to think highly of you? Are you cleaning the house because the neighbors are coming over and you want them to be impressed?

To fix this, you must decide either not to worry about your appearance or to do it for yourself, not other people. You should either not worry about the house being clean or clean it for a love-motivated reason.

The interesting thing about motivation is that if you look at the most successful people in the world, you will find they are motivated more by a passion for what they are doing than by fear. We think fear is required for motivation, but the truth is fear is not that motivating at all. You will be more motivated when you find a love-driven “why” for what you want to do.

During the pandemic, I am hearing from many people who are struggling to stay self-motivated at home. Again, you have to really look at your “why” and find a passion-driven reason. Do things because you love your family or yourself and want to give them or yourself a better quality of life. Do things because you love God, humanity and helping others. Do something because you love to do it.

When you are going to do anything, ask yourself "Why am I doing this?" Get honest with yourself about whether this is a love- or fear-motivated reason. Either change the activity or change the “why,” and live your whole life from love. I promise you will be happier.

You can do this.
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    Kimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC.  She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio.

     She writes a regular weekly advice column that is published on KSL.com every Monday. She is the author of the books Choosing Clarity and The People Guidebook. 

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