This was first published on KSL.COM

Question:

Our adult daughter claims we have done more to our son than we have done for her. This is really hurtful to us, because we feel she has not appreciated what we have given her and her family. We have helped them each with different things over the years, but we are retired, in our mid-sixties, and we have bills too. We must watch what we spend. Yet our daughter feels we didn't do enough for her, she keeps bringing up the fact we gave her brother more. We don’t think this is true at all. How do we deal with this jealousy?

Answer:

Young children are often overly focused on whether things are fair and equal. They cry and complain if their siblings gets more than what they got. Ideally when they are very young is the best time to nip this behavior in the bud.

Recently a friend of mine, Scott Bean, shared a great way to teach this to children. The first time a child complains that their siblings got more ice cream than they got, with empathy and love say, “It sounds like someone is having an appreciation problem. If you don’t appreciate what you get, then we’re sorry, but you don’t get any (and take their ice cream away).

Let them know that in our home we care more about appreciation than fair. Life will never be fair, but we must always be grateful for what we have.

It is your job as a parent to make sure they understand how the world works and it's never going to be fair, but we will each get whatever is the perfect classroom journey for us. (I would let them assume their ice cream is gone for a while, before asking if they are ready to appreciate what they had and give it back.)

Obviously, this won’t work with adult children. With adult children all you can do is be very clear about who is responsible for each part of this appreciation problem and look for the right time to explain that ungrateful and complaining behavior won’t create what they want.

Your main job or responsibility here is to find the right balance (that you feel comfortable with) between helping your adult children on occasion and taking care of yourself. You will know you have struck that balance right when you feel good about what you are giving and don’t resent or regret anything.

If you are feeling “taken from” or unappreciated, then you are probably giving too much. Your gut will know what you feel good about. Also make sure that you aren’t carrying the responsibility for their financial problems. The responsibility for all their needs must stay on their shoulders with an occasional gift of help from you, if really needed, and if you can afford it.

Your other job is to manage your feelings and reactions to their ungrateful behavior. No matter how they behave or what they say, your job is to stay calm, happy, wise and peaceful.

If they are jealous or feel short-changed, that is not your problem or your business. It is not really even about you (though it may feel that way). It is really about their scarcity mentality, fear of loss and insecurity. Ultimately (since they are adults) it is not your problem to fix those — it’s theirs.

You may ask permission on occasion to see if they would be open to an observation. If they are open, you can kindly point out that keeping score and complaining isn’t going to create what they want. It makes people feel unappreciated, which makes them less motivated to help you in the future. Explain to them that wild appreciation for everything you’ve done would work better.

But whether she gets this or not, you are going to keep being fearless, loving, strong and confident that you are doing what you feel good about doing, from a space of wisdom and compassion. All that matters is you feel good about the help you have given — that must be enough.

It is your daughter’s job to work on herself and her scarcity mentality. Fortunately she is in the classroom of life and the universe will keep bringing lessons until she learns how to be happy for others instead of jealous of them, and how to appreciate what she has instead of complaining about what she doesn’t.

Trust the universe to this job.

If your daughter blames you or is angry with you, again that is her problem, not yours. Your job is to stay loving, supportive and kind. Her job is to process disappointment and learn to solve problems on her own. It would be sad if she pulls back from you and gets defensive, but you reacting and feeling offended will only make it worse. Stay loving and happy, and let her process whatever she feels and work through it.

There may be some people who read this article who have jealous feelings themselves. If you struggle with a scarcity mentality, here are a couple of life coaching exercises you can do:

1. Write your feelings on paper and describe them in detail. Instead of trying to stuff these feelings, embrace them fully and feel the pain they create as acutely as possible. Then ask yourself, “What are these feelings here to teach me? What kind of behavior are they encouraging? Why does my sibling’s happiness threaten me? Do their blessings take anything away from me? Does feeling jealous serve me at any level? Does it motivate others to help me? What good do these feelings do? What other options do I have?” Write the answers to these questions on paper.

2. Separate the ego/scarcity/fear part of you that likes jealous feelings from the spirit/abundance/ love part of you that doesn’t want to be here. Which side do you want to let drive your life? Who do you want to be? In every moment, you get to choose your state, and there are only two options. You can live from a place of love, abundance and peace or you can live from fear, scarcity and discontent. How do you want to live? You must consciously make this choice on a daily basis. Write down in detail the kind of person you want to be.

3. Make a written rule against comparing yourself with other people. There is no level where comparing serves you. Make an official policy against it and commit to choosing gratitude instead.

4. Remember life is a package deal and each person's journey comes with some blessings and some trials. If you had another person’s blessings, you would also have their trials. Make a list of all the problems you are grateful you don’t have, this will help you appreciate your life.

5. Carefully choose your thoughts — every thought matters. Choose to think only positive, loving thoughts about yourself and other people. In doing this you are choosing abundance and blessings for yourself. Choose to see the world as abundant and overflowing with enough for all.

6. Choose gratitude for what you have, every minute of every day. Gratitude is one of the most positive emotions you can choose. When you live from a place of gratitude, you are accepting all love and blessings from the universe and opening the door wide to receive more. Also remember, there are many people on the planet who have less and would be terribly jealous of you.

Count every small blessing and embrace gratitude.

You can do this.

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

This was first published on KSL.COM

Question:

Our adult child has the worst time making decisions and he hates change. He is always calling us or his siblings for advice on every little decision he has to make. We don’t want to refuse him, but we don’t want to keep making all his decisions for him. He is a great guy, but doesn’t date much either, and I think it’s related to not being comfortable making decisions about who and how to date. How can we help him gain confidence and still show our love?

Answer:

This is a good one for all parents. When our children are young we obviously must help them, but as they grow we must start empowering them to make more and more decisions on their own. This can be scary for parents because we don’t want our child to make mistakes, but we must let go if we want them to become independent adults and eventually leave us.

When your children become teens they usually start fighting for more independence and control. This rebelliousness is supposed to happen and is a natural part of their growth. It must happen if they are going to break away from you some day. It is during this time (and when they are young adults) that you must stop giving advice, instructions and orders and start teaching them to think for themselves. Teaching independent thinking takes more time though than giving advice, so you will have to make a commitment to this.

You will also have to become a little dumber. What I mean is don’t be so quick to give them answers and share what you know. Pretend you don’t know and ask them questions to help them think through the options. Ask them what they think? Brainstorm with them and bounce ideas around, and if necessary throw out some suggestions, but make them figure it out and decide what is best for them.

Benjamin Franklin said, “Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.:

This is what you must do. Be involved to show you care, but play dumb and force them to think through the options and outcomes by themselves. Ask permission to share the principles below (if relevent) and they will take the fear out of the decision-making process. There is also a great Decision Making Worksheet on my website you could also give to help them make confident decisions that match with their personal values. You might want to use it too.

Principles that lessen the fear in decisions:

• You can’t really make mistakes because life is a classroom and every experience a lesson. Every time you either win or learn something (and either way will serve you). Even choices that turn out bad will teach you something important you needed to learn.
  
  
• You are primarily here on the planet to learn to love yourself and others at a deeper level. Every experience will teach you this in some way.
  
  
• Nothing you do or think (and nothing anyone else does or thinks) can diminish you or change your value, because your value is infinite and absolute. You have the same value no matter what you choose.
  
  
• Your life’s journey is the perfect classroom for you. For one reason or another every experience is perfect. This should take away your fear of loss and make choosing easier.
  
  
• Fear is the root cause of most problems. The way we escape fear is by choosing trust and love. Trust your value is infinite and your journey will be your perfect classroom.
  
  
• Love is almost always the answer in every situation. Sometimes the answer is about loving others and sometimes it is about loving and honoring yourself.
  
  

Reminding someone of these truths is a good place to start, and you cannot lead them astray if you focus on principles.

Here are some other tips for empowering others:

1. Listening is what they need most. Listening to someone validates who they are at the deepest level. Being an active listener is more than just nodding and repeating what they say, though. A good listener is also a good question asker. You can help your child find the answers they are looking for on their own by just asking questions that help them look at the problem from different perspectives. The most powerful way to help someone is asking questions that guide them towards the answer but allow them to figure it out on their own.
   
   

1. Remember the person seeking advice is the one entitled to inspiration about his or her situation. As a life coach, I have learned most people already know the answer to the question they are asking, they just don’t trust their own judgment. Whatever you do, don't let them use you as a crutch. It doesn't serve them. Keep asking questions about what they think and feel until they acknowledge their inner truth knows the right direction. All the answers they need (and are entitled to) the universe will provide for them right when they are supposed to get them. If they aren’t getting the answer yet, they may not be ready. When they are ready and if you are the right teacher, you will be inspired with the right words to say, but avoid giving the answer if you can.
   
   One of my favorite questions when asked for advice is, “Tell me what you were hoping I would say?” Usually they know the answer. They just didn’t trust themselves.
   
   

1. Honor the person by asking permission before you share or give advice. I strongly recommend asking permission questions before you ever give any advice, suggestions or share what you think with anyone. This is a powerful way to show each person you honor and respect them. A permission question may sound like: “Would you be open to another perspective on this?” “Would you be open to a little advice?” “Would you be willing to let me share a couple ideas?” Then wait for a yes. If they say no, respect that. Respecting how they feel this time will build trust, and they will be more likely to listen to you next time.
   
   

1. Recognize when professional help is needed. If someone comes to you for help, but you suspect addiction, mental illness, depression or any other serious situation is in play, you must refer them to a mental health professional, counselor, therapist or doctor. If you aren’t sure whether a professional is appropriate, act on the side of caution and recommend it anyway. Be there to support them, but bring in additional support.
   
   

I hope this helps. Even though your child is an adult, you can still use these ideas to help him learn to trust himself.

If he still struggles I would recommend some life coaching with a certified coach.

You can do this.

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

This was first published on KSL.com
Co-written by Martin Hurlburt

Question:

Help! My husband and I get along great in almost every way, except money. I don’t know why, but when we talk about it, it always leads to frustration, hurt feelings and even quarrels. We love each other and we really want to stop this bickering. What can we do?

Answer:

That is a great question. For this one I turned to my friend and behavioral finance expert Martin Hurlburt to help me give you some good advice.

Even couples who are kind and loving with great relationships often struggle to see eye to eye when it comes to managing money. It’s been said that money is a leading cause of divorce. But that is not true. It is a lack of communication and respect for differences on how we view money that leads to the frustration and fighting.

Why does this happen? And what can you do to avoid conflict over money?

Martin has made it his life’s work to answer that question. He says, “Misunderstandings and frustrations between spouses when it comes to managing finances come about because each person views money differently. Each person has their own unique money personality. Your money personality is basically the lens through which you view your entire financial world. It impacts how you earn, save, spend, manage and invest your money.”

Imagine you’re driving on the freeway at 75 mph. It’s a speed you feel comfortable. Suddenly, someone whizzes by you at 90 mph. What do you think of that person? Do you praise their driving skills and ability to go fast? No! You probably think they are a danger on the streets and ought to lose their license. While you are in the middle of that thought, you come up behind someone who is driving 10 mph slower than you and you can’t get around them. What do you think of that person? Do you praise their cautious nature? No! You probably think they are a danger on the streets and ought to lose their license too.

We each tend to drive at a speed that is comfortable for us and we think that anyone who drives faster or slower than us is dangerous and wrong.

The same kind of thinking applies to the way you manage your money. You will always lean towards doing it in a way that feels comfortable to you and you can’t really understand anyone who takes more or less risk than you. You can’t understand someone who saves, spends, or invests differently than you do. But chances are pretty good you didn’t marry someone with the same views, thoughts and emotions around money as you. This is what leads to conflicts in a marriage and not the money itself.

There are five basic money personalities:

1. Spender

2. Saver

3. Adventurer

4. Steward

5. Avoider

One personality is not better than another. (Remember no human being has more value than any other — even if you disagree with them.) You should not try to change your spouse either, just recognize, understand and respect each other, because each of the personality types has its pros and cons. In fact, blending together your two unique personalities may help you make better choices as a couple than you ever could individually.

You will begin to manage your money more effectively and reduce your levels of stress when you embrace your personality rather than ignore it or try to override it. It’s simple to find out what your money personality is with a simple questionnaire on www.IfMoneyCouldTalk.com. You will find a link on the home page. Click on it and answer some questions. For each one, choose the answer that first pops into your head without overthinking it. You’ll then get a report within two business days. It will outline the strengths and weaknesses of each personality profile, including yours. The report will also give you ideas on how to better manage your money and still be who you are.

To increase understanding between husband and wife, each person should take the money personality profile on their own. And then compare the results. Many couples have reported to me that this was an eye-opening experience and well worth the time. It gave them insights that they had never seen before.

There is also a worksheet on my website about money fear and how your fears affect the way you handle money, which you might find interesting. Again both you and your spouse should fill it out and compare what money represents to each of you. Then you can create a compromise that honors you both

Imagine that a couple is driving across country. The husband wants to drive 12 hours a day and get there as soon as possible. His wife likes to stop at places of interest along the way and enjoy the journey. Do you think that might cause some conflict? And who is right?

Neither one is right or wrong. They are just different. If they each understand and respect how the other feels, they will have a much more peaceful journey than if they each try to prove that their way is right.

An example of the compromise might look like this: Instead of three 12-hour days of driving, the husband might agree to five days of just over seven hours each. And instead of wanting to stop at every historic marker along the way, the wife might agree to plan in advance and pick just one or two places of interest each day.

If you would like to get on the road to leading a happier, less stressful and more productive life, the first step on your journey is to discover your money personality and then work together to create a win/win compromise that works for both of you. You both will have to give a little, but you will get a little too.

Make sure you are always willing to listen to your spouse and honor and respect how they feel before asking them to give you the same. If you both focus on honoring the other, you can have these conversations without conflict.

You can do this.

Martin Hurlburt is a speaker, author and personal wealth manager. He strives to help people simplify, unify and multiply their wealth. Contact him at www.IfMoneyCouldTalk.com.

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

This was first published on KSL.COM
Co-written by Kristena Eden

Question:

I am a good person, but I do lose my temper and get excessively angry at times and often take it out on my kids and spouse. I don’t understand why this happens and I don’t know how to stop doing it. It is not the person I want to be. Do you have advice on this?

Answer:

When you get angry and lose your temper, it's usually because one or both of your core fears has been triggered. Your two core fears are:

1. The fear of failure (the fear you won’t be good enough) and

2. The fear of loss (the fear your life won’t be good enough).

The fear of failure is about feeling insulted, unloved, unvalued, unappreciated or unwanted. The fear of loss is a fear that you won’t have what you need, want or deserve, so you feel mistreated, cheated, robbed, short-changed or taken from at some level.

Take a minute and think about the last time you were angry. Did you feel dishonored or mistreated in some way? Was it a fear of loss issue, or a fear of not being loved, honored or appreciated issue? Do you find yourself feeling this same way often? Do you have an easy button to push in this area?

Your children trigger your two core fears better than anyone. When they do things wrong or make messes, you will either experience fear of failure (looking bad) or fear of loss (losing them or money). That is the reason you get angry with them so often.

Most people have one core fear that is more dominate though, and is their easiest to trigger. If failure is your trigger, you might feel insulted and get defensive too easy. If loss is your trigger you might be overly protective of yourself and feel mistreated all the time. See if you can see a pattern with your anger. Are you always feeling taken from or do you get angry when you feel insulted? If you can figure out your core trigger and recognize it, you will have more power to stop it.

The problem with anger is it's a very powerful emotion, even more powerful than love. Because of this, it can completely take over, confuse your judgment and cause some really bad, selfish behavior.

Here are some tips for getting control when anger strikes:

1. Calm down your body first. When you are angry, you experience the fight or flight response and your frontal lobe (the part of your brain that makes good decisions) shuts down. You will need to stop this physiological reaction and get your frontal lobe back on board, if you want to think your way through this maturely. You can get control by relaxing your body first. Step back, go in another room, ask for a timeout and then do some diaphragmatic breathing or relaxing muscle exercises. This is something everyone should learn to do to combat stress too. There is a worksheet on my website with different ways you can do this. Once your physical body is calm and you are thinking straight, go on to these other steps.

2. Recognize you have a choice. It is easy to believe that external events are what made you angry. It is even easier to blame other people, especially when they annoy you or they get on your nerves. The truth is you create your emotions. Your past experiences, perspectives and subconscious beliefs cause you to attach meaning or significance to events. This often involves inaccurate meaning that drives your angry reactions. But this first reaction is never your only choice. You could stop and think through some other options. Write them down and write what the outcome of choosing each option would be. You will quickly see that anger never produces the outcome you want. There are always better ways to discuss problems, find solutions and change things.

3. Find the real problem. Anger is an indicator there is a problem. The question is, “Is it your problem or is it someone else’s problem?” Is it a problem that can be changed or influenced by you or is it beyond your control? Do you need to get help with it? Is this really even about you? Or is another person having fear issues about themselves and just projecting that towards you. If this problem doesn’t belong to you, set it down and walk away. If it does belong to you, figure out a mature, balanced, calm way to address the issue. You may want to run it past someone less emotionally involved to get some advice.

4. Use empathy to change how you feel. Empathy is the ultimate game changer. Ask yourself, why would this other (intrinsically good) person do what he or she is doing? What are they scared of or why might they feel threatened or insulted? When you start to understand the issue from their position, you may gain some wisdom on how to solve it. You may need to give the other person some validation or reassurance to calm their fears. Even being willing to let them vent and get it out may calm things down. Focus on giving love, understanding and attention to the other person, because when you are focused on love you can’t be as angry.

5. See this experience as a lesson. What can you learn from this incident? How can you use this situation to help you become a better, stronger more loving person? How were you part of the problem? What could you do differently next time? If you focus on these questions you will process your anger better and quickly get past it.

6. Get some exercise or do an activity that releases angry energy. Take a walk, go for a jog, run up and down your stairs or hit a pillow. Just getting the anxious energy out will help.

7. Remember no person or situation can make you upset or angry. It is your thoughts about the situation that create your angry feelings, and you alone are the one responsible for those thoughts, so only you can make you angry. Situations themselves also don’t mean anything until you apply meaning to them. This means there are always other perspective options that might make you feel better. When you are responsible for your anger, you also have the power to change it. Stay responsible for everything you feel.

Life Coach By has another powerful free worksheet on her website that measures your anger and helps you (step by step) turn your anger into love. I highly recommend you get that too.

You can do this.

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

This was first published on KSL.com
co-written by Kristena Eden

Question:
When my husband and I were first married we were so happy. It seemed like everything was easy and he could do nothing wrong. Now it seems like he purposefully tries to make my life miserable or at least doesn't care how I feel. I have less and less respect for him and we fight more often. I think our marriage is completely broken. Is there a way to get back that love we once had?
Answer:
There are ways to create more love, respect and attraction in your marriage, but it probably won't ever be like it was at the beginning, nor should it, because it could be something even better.
In the book "The Lifecycle Stages of a Marriage" by Barbara Markey, ND, Ph.D., she explains that relationships proceed in three basic stages. We call them the newlywed stage, the cooperative stage and then the endearing stage.
The newlywed stage is the stage of romance and giddy feelings. We are high and the love hormone is racing. We feel that nothing can go wrong. This stage is filled with passion, and we find it easy to give and give, fulfilling all our partner's needs. We tend to romanticize and idealize the “idea” of marriage in this stage. Here, we think because we have the perfect partner we will stay in this stage forever. When this stage starts to shift and change to the next stage, we sometimes feel our love is broken.
The cooperative stage is the problem-solving stage. Here, you both start putting most of your efforts into your jobs, raising kids or paying the bills. You may even feel that you’re more in a business relationship than a marriage. This is a stage of utility where you are trading services and here, you have to work at remembering why you even married. You may forget who you are here, and life may be filled with stress and fear. You may have fear you are not good enough and fear of loss that makes your spouse feel like the enemy. You may feel that you have lost real love, but that is only because it's different than before and the sacrifices and struggles of this stage may feel overwhelming. It is at this stage you need to remember that every worthy end we obtain comes with great work. As Thomas Edison states, “The three great essentials to achieve anything worthwhile are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense.”
It takes a great deal of common sense, hard work and maturity to get through this stage of life still admiring and caring for each other. As you and your spouse work your way through this part of life, your character is tested and you will have many opportunities to see your spouse at their best and worst. You will watch them growing, stumbling, rising and learning in the classroom of life. You will have many opportunities to be forgiving in this stage and give your spouse space to learn and be a work in progress — since that is what you both are. You will also have many opportunities to ask forgiveness for your mistakes, faults and flaws. Hopefully as you both fight your way through this stage and life's challenges you will begin to admire each other and focus on the goodness you have inside you. This begins to create the final stage.
The endearing stage is the last and best stage. This is the most stable of all the stages and the most rich. This is where you begin to truly know and love the other person. You thought you loved them at the beginning, but you now realize that was just infatuation and attraction, it wasn't real love. Real love is about admiring, respecting, appreciating and honoring the intrinsic worth of this amazing human being your married. It is truly caring for them and their happiness as much as you care about your own (or even more.) It is a space where you love their character, their virtues, their talents, their quirks, their faults and their weaknesses. You now understand both their light and their darkness, but you choose to forgive their faults and completely embrace their light. This is a stage of mature love, understanding and wisdom.
By the time you reach this stage, you have probably better learned how to communicate and solve problems together. It is here that you finally know who you are and also who you married. You have learned how to lift each other and how to understand each other at a deeper level. Your expectations are no longer fantasized, they are now realistic, understandable and acceptable. You have arrived at a place of peace. Not perfect bliss with no problems, but a place of deep devotion and connection.
So, what is the key to making it through the broken times and achieving the enduring stage?
It lies in focusing on admiration for their efforts, their striving, their intentions and their intrinsic worth. They won't ever be perfect and they will continually disappoint you (as you will them), but if you will focus on their goodness and give them the same level of forgiveness and compassion you want back, you can get here. Here are a few other suggestions:
Get professional help at the first sign of trouble. Don't wait years (like so many do) until the hurt is deep and the wounds are mortal. A little help from an expert, right now, can make fixing your relationship much easier and faster. If you haven't found someone you both like, keep looking and find someone who can work with you both individually so your focus stays on fixing yourself, not your spouse.

1. Figure out what your spouse's fears are and identify the fears your spouse triggers in you. There are a few worksheets on our website that will help you do this. Once you understand the fears, you will understand what triggers them, and you will also know what needs to change.
2. Spend time together. Marriage and family therapist Brett Williams says that real love comes down to attention. You cannot create real enduring love without spending lots of time and attention on your spouse. Remember what you did when you were first in love and do that again. What made the two of you laugh? What made you both feel loved? Make sure you acknowledge, listen well, validate and build up your spouse.
3. Make a date night. Have at least one a month without any kids.
4. Find a hobby or fun activity to do together.
5. Surprise your significant other. For no reason at all give a gift, do a chore for them or give a back rub. Let them know you are thinking of them and desire to serve them.
6. Daily good mornings or good nights. Greet each other when you come and go each day. Give a hug, a smile or a kiss, a simple reminder that yes, life is overwhelming, but I still love you.
7. Listen and listen, and listen some more. Listening is the most powerful way to show a person you value them. Spend lots of time here and honor and respect their right to see the world the way they do.
8. Make sure your spouse feels appreciated, admired, respected and wanted daily. Work on a better intimate relationship — a good one takes time and effort. Thank them often for every little thing they do for you and the family. Tell them often about the character traits you see in them and admire. Tell them how lucky you are to be married to them. Coach Kim has written many articles on these topics on her blog.
9. Remember that your spouse is the same as you. No matter how many or which faults each of you has, your intrinsic worth is still the same. Make sure you never talk down to or insult this amazing, miraculous, one-of-a-kind soul you married. Build them up and help them to see their potential. Positive encouragement creates more change than criticizing ever will.

Most broken marriages do need some professional intervention to repair though. I highly recommend that you seek out a trained coach, therapist or counselor to work with. Some people stubbornly insist they can fix the relationship on their own, but it will happen faster and with less pain if you get some professional help.

You can do this.

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert. Kristena Eden is also an author, speaker and Claritypoint coach.