Question:

How do I stop beating myself up for past mistakes? I made some bad choices that ruined an important relationship, and I made some bad choices that caused me to miss opportunities, which will never come again. I could beat myself up forever about those choices and what might have been different in my life, if I’d been smarter. How does one get past those kinds of mistakes?

Answer:

“Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, "It might have been.”

Kurt Vonnegut penned those words, and they sting every person who reads them. Almost everyone on the planet has regrets (decisions they wish they had made differently over the course of their lives). If you spend too much time here, these regrets could rob you the happiness you should be experiencing today. You can't let this happen.

It doesn’t serve you to punish yourself over and over for past transgressions, especially because you can't change them. Spending time here would mean borrowing suffering from your past and letting it ruin today.

The question is how can you eliminate these feelings of shame and regret?

Here are six things you can do to change the way you feel about your past and change the way you create your future:

1. Choose to let go of shame. It doesn’t serve you to hold onto fear of not being good enough because of past mistakes. You are here to learn and grow, and growing is a process that requires mistakes. You had to make some or you wouldn’t know what you now know. SHAME over past choices is like saying you Should Have Already Mastered Everything. That’s ridiculous, isn’t it? You must give yourself permission be a work in progress and to have been a work in progress all along. When you allow yourself to be a work in progress, you can let go of shame.
2. See mistakes as locations on your journey through life, but don't let them define you. See life as a road trip. You have driven through some bad experiences or locations, but they don't define who you are. You went there, but you didn't move in and stay there. You traveled through and realized that wasn't where you wanted to live. Seeing past experiences this way will make you feel better.
3. Choose to trust that the choices you made were the right choices for you, even if they didn't end well. I believe if I'd needed a different lesson I would have chosen a different path. Apparently this was my perfect journey and I needed these experiences, even if I can't yet see the reason. Living with trust in the journey will make a huge difference.
4. Give yourself permission to be a student in the classroom of life. At every point on your journey, you were doing the best you could with what you knew at the time. You couldn’t have known more or seen things differently than you did. If you knew then, what you know now, you would obviously have acted differently, but you couldn’t have known it then, because you had to go through everything you’ve experienced (including those bad decisions) to learn it. Just like a painter hangs a sign on his unfinished paintings, reminding all who walk by it is a “work in progress,” you are a human being in process. When you give yourself permission to be a work in progress, you will also give others that permission too.
5. Make a list of the choices you regret over the last 20 years. Then write down 10 positive things that each of those choices has brought into your life. This is an exercise Viktor Frankl (author of "Man’s Search for Meaning”) recommended to his patients. If you can see the positive impact those choices have had on your life, you will feel differently about them. Seeing the lesson will lessen the sting. Often those choices taught you important things about the kind of person you don’t want to be.
6. Focus on the lessons those experiences taught you. What does remembering those bad choices tell you about how you want to live today? Mistakes or bad choices can serve you if they help you create the future you want. Focus on your future behavior and the person you now want to become. That is the only thing in your control. What actions can you take today or this week to put these important lessons to work?

Victoria Moran wrote, “In terms of days and moments lived, you’ll never again be as young as you are right now, so spend this day, the youth of your future, in a way that deflects regret. Invest in yourself. Have some fun. Do something important. Love somebody extra. In one sense, you’re just a kid, but a kid with enough years on her to know that every day is priceless.”

Don’t waste another minute of today dwelling in fear over things that are over and gone. Focus on being the person you want to be. Choose to focus on the future only because it's more productive.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a life coach and speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

Our family bickers like no other, and after a while it can rank on your nerves. The bickering can and does often end in argument with hurt feelings and misunderstandings. But for some reason, they keep doing it over and over again. Any advice to intervene and stop this behavior?

Answer:

My main goal in writing this column is to help you understand human behavior better, so you can see situations accurately and respond in a way that will create the results you want. Before I give you some advice to stop the fighting, I’d like to explain why most people bicker and argue.

People generally bicker for one of these five reasons:

1. They are generally unhappy about their life and enjoy sharing their misery with others.
2. They are addicted to the rush fighting brings. (They may be adrenaline junkies.)
3. They perceive most situations in a way that makes them feel diminished, threatened, taken advantage of or mistreated in some way. This doesn’t have to be accurate; they only have to see it that way. Whenever this happens they feel the need to defend or attack to protect themselves.
4. They have deeply-rooted self-esteem issues and subconsciously tend to focus on the perceived bad in other people in order to feel better about themselves. (This stems from a fear of not being good enough.)
5. They are selfish, or possibly sociopathic, and enjoy making others feel diminished, bothered or challenged.

Look at your family members and see if you can identify why they behave the way they do. You must understand that most bad behavior is motivated by No. 3 and No. 4. Most people behave badly because they are scared. It will help you see these situations accurately if you ask yourself these three questions:

• What is this person afraid of right now?
• What is he really asking for?
• What does she need to quiet her fear?

Most of the time, these people need love, understanding, attention or validation.

Let me explain what I mean by the word "validation," though, because it does not mean that you agree with this person. I believe you can completely disagree with everything he or she says, and still validate him as a person. To me, validation is about honoring and respecting another person's right to see the world the way he sees it, and think and feel the way he does. You may not agree with his position, but you can honor his right to be who he is at this point in his journey.

You can validate this person's worth as a human being by just being willing to listen to her thoughts and feelings, and honor her right to have them. When you do this, the other person generally calms down. I believe the best answer in any situation is to give love and validation.

You may want to remind the other person of your love in the middle of the fight: “In spite of this fighting I love and respect you, and I just want you to remember that my love for you is bigger than this issue.” (I actually use this in my personal life.)

Here are some other suggestions that would diminish the amount of bickering:

1) Learn how to have mutually validating conversations. I have a worksheet on my website that explains how. If you will follow the steps exactly, it will greatly improve your relationships.

2) Institute a family time-out rule. Everyone must agree ahead of time to honor this rule. The rule says that if a conversation gets heated and someone calls a time-out, everyone will walk away, go to their corners and calm down before you talk about this issue further.

3) Be accurate with your words. What I mean is, don’t exaggerate, over-generalize or personalize your complaints. John Gottman from the University of Washington did a study on how couples fight and how their words affected the success or failure of their marriages. (You can read about this in the book "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell). Gottman discovered that if people made an issue personal and turned to character assassination, rather than focusing on specific complaints, the relationship wouldn’t survive. He said to make sure you didn't turn the complaint of, “You left your dishes on the table” into, “You're such a lazy slob.” He could listen to people fight for only a few minutes and predict if their relationship would make it, based on the words they used.

4) Decide to let love override most small issues. Gottman also said people are generally in one of only two states in their relationships: They were either in “positive sentiment override” where they could quickly forgive most offenses because their love would override most the issues, or “negative sentiment override” where they would draw lasting negative conclusions about each other from each offense. In these negative relationships, even good deeds were seen as good deeds from a bad person.

If you have an underlying dislike for someone in your family that is showing up in every situation, I would recommend some professional help post-haste.

5) Decide right now to let people be a “work in progress.” A painter hangs a sign like this on a painting when he leaves for lunch, because he doesn’t want anyone to judge it yet. The people in your life are all struggling, scared students in the classroom of life. They have a lot to learn and they need some room and permission to be imperfect and grow. Imagine everyone in your family with that sign around their necks every day and choose to forgive most offenses, because you're imperfect, too.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem. Read about her free Tuesday night coaching call on her website.

Question:

Growing up (and still to this day), I walk on eggshells around my own mother. I have come to the realization that my mother has been trying to control me my entire life. How do I distance myself from her control, while still being a good daughter?

Answer:

In these situations, I recommend you get some clarity around what drives your mother’s controlling behavior — so you can see it accurately and not take it personally — and then create some good boundaries and lovingly enforce them.

Most controlling parents love their children. They just don’t know how to stop letting their own needs and fears cloud their vision. They truly cannot see past their own issues.

Your mother may be bored or lonely. She may feel unimportant or useless if her children are grown. She may feel like her purpose for being here is gone. She may be controlling your life as a way to feel useful. She may really need to get a life of her own, but she may not know how.

Or she may have a fear of looking bad to other people. This could make her feel the need to control her children, because how they look reflects on her value as a mother. Many parents are afraid of how their children and their choices make them look. Her fear of not being good enough could be a large part of the problem.

Or she may have a fear-of-loss issue. This means she is afraid of losing you physically or spiritually and this fear could drive her to hold on way too tight. She could also have fear around losing her reputation if you make mistakes.

Do any of those seem accurate in your situation?

Once you understand why she feels the need to control you, you can figure out which of these suggestions might help:

• If she is lonely or feeling useless, you could help her to make some friends and find some activities to keep her busy. When she has more going on in her own life, she will have less time to worry about you.
• If she has a fear of not being good enough, you could give her lots of positive validation that she is a good person and remind her that she has no responsibility or control over your choices. Remind her that what other people think of her is irrelevant because she is the same good person with the same value, no matter what anyone thinks. (You may have to remind her of this often.)
• If she has a fear-of-loss issue, you can try to reassure her that you are going to be fine. You could also encourage her to trust that there are no accidents and everything happens for a reason, to help us grow and improve. Remind her to trust God, the universe and the process of life. (Having said that, do not carry responsibility to fix your mother’s fear issues. They are not your responsibility and are out of your control. Reminding her about the principles mentioned above won’t hurt, but at the end of the day, she gets to choose how she will experience her life. I do believe that reminders of truth can start someone down the path to a better perspective, though. So it’s worth a try.)
• Work on your own self-esteem and stop being a people-pleaser. Trying to get everyone’s approval is what gives her the power to control you. You must take your power back by not needing validation from anyone, even your mother. If this is hard to do, you may want to get some professional help with it. More confidence would do wonders.
• Learn how to speak your truth and defend yourself in a strong but loving way. Most people think there are only two options when someone offends you. Be quiet about it — loving — or mean and speak up — strong. They are surprised to learn there is another option. You can be strong and loving at the same time, speak your truth, honor the other person, and take care of yourself, too. Get my worksheet on having validating conversations to help you do this.
• Set and enforce some healthy boundaries around where Mom’s input is welcome and where it’s not. Let her know, in a loving way, when you would prefer to handle situations on your own.
• If Mom uses drama, pouting, the silent treatment or other immature manipulation techniques to control you, do not join her in them or react to them. Do not let guilt trips or manipulation work or you will encourage more. Lovingly tell her when she can discuss things in an adult fashion you would love to talk to her. But do not talk down to her, like she’s a toddler — speak to her with respect and kindness, just stand firm in your insistence on mature behavior.
• If you have financial ties to mom, this is an open invitation to get in your business. Sever those ties as soon as you are able. When you are financially independent, you are even more entitled to your own decisions.
• Find one powerful, strong, loving statement that you can say over and over until she gets it. For example: “I appreciate your love, mom, and I also appreciate your knowing when to let go and let me run my life. I know it’s hard, but it means a lot to me — that you let me find my own way.”
• Limit the amount of time you spend with her. You may have to accept that you can’t have a close relationship with your parent, because it isn’t going to be healthy for you. You may need to accept that a distant relationship is just how it has to be. This doesn’t make you a bad daughter. It makes you a wise and rational adult, who knows what is best for her.

I hope this helps. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in overcoming fear. She offers a free webinar every Tuesday night with info on her website.

Question:

I have enjoyed your articles on KSL. I think you have helped me to understand people much better, but I have a friend who is always competing with me. She thinks her kids are better than mine, she thinks her life and all the choices she makes are better than mine. How do I let go and not let this bother me, when she is always comparing her life versus mine, with her life always being "better"?

Answer:

In these situations, the most important thing is to make sure you are seeing her behavior and the situation accurately. What I mean is, people tend to take this kind of behavior personally, when it’s really not about them.

Her need to compare is about her insecurities about herself. She is most likely scared she isn’t good enough. Almost all bad behavior can be traced back to this fear at some level. I believe almost everyone on the planet is battling this fear, on a daily basis.

This fear of not being enough creates all kinds of bad behavior in people, including showing off or bragging to make themselves feel more valuable. It causes selfishness because these people cannot see past their own fears enough to see the needs of others. Fear of not being enough keeps their focus on themselves.

This fear also makes us see other people as different from us. If others are different, this implies that they have to be either better than you or worse than you. No one wants to feel worse than anyone else, so some people subconsciously look for the bad in others to make themselves feel better.

Your friend is probably subconsciously looking for the bad in you (and the good in herself) to quiet her fear of not being enough. Casting others as the bad guy so she can feel like the good guy is a common subconscious way to deal with low self-esteem.

This fear also makes people think others have to lose for them to win. Fear makes people see the world from a scarcity perspective. In this place, you feel threatened when anything good happens to anyone else. You are subconsciously afraid that will leave less for you.

Now that you understand why your friend is behaving this way, you can choose a better response. Here are some options:

1. You could just ignore the behavior. It’s not about you anyway, and just because your friend sees herself as better than you doesn’t make it true. You have the same infinite absolute value no matter what she thinks or says, so her behavior and comments are really irrelevant. This would be a great option, though it’s not always easy to do. You have to commit to not caring what she says and love her as she is (an imperfect, struggling, scared, student in the classroom of life, just like you.)

2. Love and validate her. I believe that all bad behavior is about a person's fear about himself, which means that all bad behavior is a request for love or validation. Your friend is behaving this way because she isn’t sure she’s good enough, so you could try giving her tons of validation and constantly tell her how amazing she is and how much you look up to her.

(I realize you probably aren’t going to want to do this, because we don’t like to reward selfish behavior with validation, but it can make a difference.)

After a while, your friend might feel so safe and loved around you that she no longer needs to compare and compete. It can feel powerful and amazing to give love to people who don’t deserve it in that moment.

3. Have a talk with her about it. This has to be done very carefully, because people who are afraid they aren’t good enough can get offended and defensive very easily. You would have to give your friend tons of validation and reassurance first about how much you love her. Then, you would have to ask her if there is anything you could do to be a better friend and show up in support of her better. You would have to be open to making changes to be a better friend yourself (because you can’t ask her to do it if you aren’t willing to).

Then, you could ask her if she would be open to making a small change for you, which would really strengthen your friendship. If she says yes, you will tell her that you are really sensitive to feeling that you aren’t good enough (which is true) and you wondered if, moving forward, she would be willing to be careful about not comparing the two of you on any level.

You both need to stay centered in the truth that everyone is on their own unique journey (signed up for totally different classes in the classroom of life) and it’s just not healthy to compare. Notice that you are focusing on the future behavior you want to see, not her past bad behavior which she can’t change anyway. If you waste time telling her about her past bad behavior, she will only get defensive.

Consider these three options and pick the one that feels right to you. You are the one entitled to know what your perfect lesson in this situation is. It could be about being mature enough to ignore this fear-motivated behavior. It could be about learning to show love to difficult people. Or, it could be about learning how to handle tough conversations in a loving way.

You will know what to do. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.