This was first published on KSL.COM

​I was asked recently what changes in your people skills that would most improve your relationships. This is a great question, because your ability to create healthy relationships is the key to happiness in life. You can’t feel happy, fulfilled, and good about life, if your relationships are stressed, unsafe, or confrontational.
 
This is especially true with your significant other. If that special relationship is strained or in trouble, it can suck the joy from every other part of your life.
 
Below are my top five people skills tips that would improve your relationships fast:
 

1. Allow people to be different from you. You have a subconscious tendency to think the way you navigate the world, handle problems, and treat people is the right way and anyone who functions differently is wrong. If you will accept the idea that different isn’t necessarily better or worse, it’s just different, this one change could be profound. In my coaching program I teach there are 12 types of people in the world and every type has good behaviors and bad behaviors. None of them have only good and no bad. This means everyone has bad behaviors, even you. They are just different bad behaviors than other people have, but they are just as bad.
   
   The most powerful change you can make to improve your relationships is learn to understand how the people close to you are wired, how they see the world, and what their triggers are. Then, you can stop expecting them to act like you, and accept them more fully for who they are.

 

1. Give the benefit of the doubt.  The people in your life are inherently good. They have no desire to do you wrong or hurt you. When they do offend you, it is usually unintentional. It is usually because they were in a fear state and therefore overly worried about themselves (you do this too). It is a game changer when you decide to assume the best of them, instead of looking for the worst. Assume they mean well and were just clueless in that moment. Stop making them into the bad guy, remember we are all doing our best with what we know in that moment. It’s just that we need to know more.
   
   Give the people you love room to be a work in progress. We are all students in the classroom of life and we are never going to be perfect. Give the people in your life allowance to make mistakes and go easier on them when they make one, because you want them to go easy on you, when you make one.
   
   
2. Ask questions and listen, more than you talk. The heart of every relationship lies in how you talk to each other. If you talk more than you listen, you won’t have good relationships. Talking is all about you and is not loving or validating. Only asking questions because you truly want to understand and show love to the other person, validates their worth in your life. Listen to understand not just to figure out what to say next. Set your thoughts and feeling aside and really listen to what they think and feel. Spend time here and ask enough questions that you gain understanding about how they see the world and why. You will be amazed at what you didn’t know about the people you love most.

 

1. Be a safe place without judgment. What everyone wants most from their important relationships is safety. We all want someone who we are completely safe with, who has our back, knows our intentions are good, because they know our soul, and who sees the good in us, even on our bad, immature, of balance days. Be that person. Be the safest place in the world for the person you love. Make sure they can tell you anything and you will listen without judgment, understand, and not make it a about them. If you have trouble doing this, it is because you don’t feel safe in the world yourself. If you don’t feel safe, you will be overly focused on getting a sense of safety for yourself, and you will have nothing to give. Get some professional coaching or counselling to work on your own fear issues. When you are on solid ground yourself, you can focus on giving that to others.

 

1. Forgive and let the past go. Forgiveness becomes easier when you understand that life is a classroom and you always attract the people, who will be your perfect teachers. They are in your life to trigger your issues, push your buttons and bring your fears to the surface, so you can work on them. This means any past offenses, were the perfect classroom experiences you needed.
   
   Real forgiveness is about healing your perception around other people and their behavior. When you change the way you see them and the offense, you will immediately change how you feel about it. Choose to see any offense as perfect for you, and the pain will lessen. It didn’t happen to you, it happened for you. It isn’t a loss experience, if it was here to served you.
   
   Also remember, there is nothing that exists, that God did not make, and chance plays no part in His plans. This means you are safe in His hands all the time. Nothing can diminish your intrinsic value, nor bring you a journey that is anything less than perfect for you. In order to be offended, you have to believe that you are vulnerable in some way. If you trust God fully, you are never vulnerable and cannot be wronged. You can only be educated and taught.

 
I realize this may be a new and even mind blowing perspective for some of you, which might even take a while and some work to understand, but it is the path to amazing relationships and greater happiness.  
 
You can do this.

This was first published on ksl.com

I am often asked: “What can I do to make my relationship better?” In this article, I want to share some of the basic tendencies of human behavior, which will help you understand the dynamics involved in your relationships and how to improve them.

In other articles, I have written about the two core fears and the four basic value systems, that drive human behavior, and I use them with my clients. The two core fears are fear of failure (I am not good enough) and fear of loss (I am not safe). We all experience both of them every day, to some degree, but each of us has one fear that is more dominant than the other. Thus, we are fear of failure dominant or fear of loss dominant.

It will be a game-changer in your relationships if you understand your own dominant fear as well as the other person’s. When you know their core fear, you will understand their most sensitive trigger — the one that brings out their worst behavior — and what they need to feel safe with you.

Safety is the most important factor in the success of a relationship. If you don’t feel safe with the other person, you cannot show up authentically and you cannot fully love them or yourself. If you don’t feel safe, the other person will always feel like an enemy, at some level, and you will often be at odds. When someone feels safe, they need nothing and have more to give.

2 core fears

Here are the two core fears, and how to make a person who is dominant in each fear feel safe:

Fear of failure dominant

If a person is fear of failure dominant, their worst behavior is triggered when they feel criticized, judged, insulted, unwanted or abandoned. These experiences make them feel they aren’t good enough and put them out of balance.

When you have some feedback for these people, you should deliver it gently. You should also make sure they feel secure about how you see them. To make them feel safe with you, you must give them lots of validation and reassurance. If you can do this — and they see you as a cure to their fear, not a cause of their fear — they will thrive in the relationship.

Fear of loss dominant

If a person is fear of loss dominant, their worst behavior is triggered when they feel taken from, mistreated, disregarded, or that people aren’t showing up for them the way they should be. These people need a certain amount of control over their environment to feel safe.

You must make sure they feel heard, respected and appreciated, and let them be in charge as much as you can. To make them feel safe with you, you should let them be the boss as much as possible, reassure them things will be OK, and take their advice without feeling criticized by it. Understand when they give suggestions or advice, they are only trying to help.

4 value systems

Understanding the other person’s core fear is only half the equation, though, so let me explain the four value systems and what people from each group value most.

Values people and connection: These people fill up by socializing with others, and they get most of their self-esteem and safety in the world from connection and relationships. If you are in a relationship with someone like this, you must understand their great need to communicate and spend time with you. They need more of your time and affection than you would, and they need you to listen to them, be affectionate and let them have lots of socializing with other humans to keep their bucket full. If they get these things they will feel good and have more to give you.

Values tasks: These people fill up and get self-esteem from getting things done. They need to accomplish and finish tasks, and have good performance in those tasks, to feel safe in the world. If you are in a relationship with someone like this, you must understand their great need to work and get projects finished. They treasure time alone to get their work done, and they need you to notice and validate what amazing workers they are. If they get tasks done and feel accomplished they will feel better and have more to give you.

Values things: These people get their sense of self-esteem from what they create, build or own. They are artists, inventors, business builders and beauties, and they highly value appearance and how things look. If you are in a relationship with someone like this, you must understand their need to look good or create amazing things. This may require time away from you, but if they get the time to create things or make themselves look amazing they will have more to give you.

Values ideas: These people get their sense of self-esteem from knowledge, principles, morals, doing things right and knowing answers to problems. If you are in a relationship with someone like this, you need to validate their knowledge and expertise in the subjects they are passionate about. This will mean listening to them a lot (even if you aren’t interested in that topic) and giving them the control to make sure things are right. If they have the chance to share, teach or learn more about what they care about, they will be happy and they will have more to give you.

Working with fears and values
The magic happens when you put these ideas together and figure out your partner’s core fear and value system.

For example: If they are fear of failure dominant and value tasks most, they are someone who needs validation about the work they do. Don’t compliment this person on their appearance; tell them how productive, brilliant and hard-working they are. Allow them to be task-focused, have time alone to work, and don’t ever make them the bad guy for being wired this way. Honor the fact that this is who they are and see them as amazing, and it will pay off big.

If a person is fear of loss dominant and task-focused, they need control much more than they need validation. Let this person have some things they can control. Understand that if you don’t get tasks done or if you do them wrong, they could feel mistreated or taken from.

If a person is fear of loss dominant and ideas focused, they need control and to be right as much as possible. They need you to listen to their ideas or knowledge and validate that they know their stuff. Make sure if you think they are wrong, you handle that gently and validate how smart they are.

Are you starting to see how the fears and values go together? When you understand the other person at this level, you will understand their wiring and it will be much easier to make them feel safe.

By the way, having the same fears and values doesn't necessarily make a relationship more successful. The success of a relationship really comes from how mindful, emotionally intelligent and in control of their own fears the parties are. If both people are working on their personal fear triggers and learning how to make themselves feel safe, they won’t expect their partner to do that for them.

No one can cure your fear issues but you, and you have to stay responsible for your inner state and happiness. If you are both learning how to stay balanced, happy, and out of fear, you can work through most issues maturely and will get along great.

You can do this.

This was first published on KSL.com 

Many couples who are having problems in their relationship get stuck because they are both holding onto resentment over past wrongs. This resentment can build up for years around a long list of slights, offenses or mistreatment. Even if you both learn new relationship or communication skills and start behaving better, the long-held resentment can still trigger your ego to keep some distance.

Your ego rises up to protect and promote you; that is its job. It thinks it’s helping you by holding onto anger or past hurts. It thinks this resentment protects you from further mistreatment, but it’s actually making things worse. When you get stuck in resentment, you are creating a relationship that is distant, passive-aggressive, divided, lonely and cold. This is not the relationship you want.

Take a minute and think about the kind of relationship you do want. If you got to design it and create any dynamics, feelings and behaviors you wanted, what would it look like? Would it be safe, full of trust and love, unselfish, giving, kind and understanding? Would it include both parties forgiving quickly and letting the other be a work in progress? How would you handle disagreements and conflict? Take the time to write down on paper what your dream relationship would look like.

Now, remember you are creating a fantasy and real-life can’t ever live up to that, but you also can’t create something better if you can’t see. So, figuring it out is the first step to creating it.

Next, what kind of behaviors would you need to adopt if you wanted to create this? How would you need to show up differently? You don’t have control over the other person, so you have to start by changing your own behavior. You may want to ask a friend, coach, or counselor to help you figure this out if you can’t see it.

Here are some suggestions for making that happen:

1. Remember life is a classroom and your romantic partner is your greatest teacher

You have attracted this person into your life to help you grow and become smarter, wiser and more loving. Their job is to push your buttons and trigger your fear issues, giving you opportunities to see them and work on them. That is why every relationship is a perfect storm of fear. Your fears create behaviors that trigger their fears, and their fears trigger behavior that triggers you even more. Around and around you can go, getting more distant, unsafe and divided.

When you see your relationship as your perfect classroom, you will see “perfect lessons for you” in every past mistreatment. Those weren’t slights; they were triggers to give you a chance to improve yourself. How did you do? Did you react badly and further damage the relationship? What could you have done differently to turn their fear-driven bad behavior around and stopped the cycle? If you focus more on your own past bad behavior and work on fixing that, you will get a lot farther than you would by holding resentment about theirs.

2. See every moment as your chance to forgive and grow

When you see your spouse’s bad behavior as your own school class, you harbor less resentment and handle situations better. You will also feel more motivated to rise to the occasion and take the high road — because the issue isn’t really about mistreatment; it’s about your growth.

I have written many articles on forgiveness for KSL.com. You should look some of them up because every really good relationship is made of two people who are good forgivers. If your relationship is full of resentment, you aren’t forgiving. You might hold onto past hurts because you think it punishes the other person or protects you from future pain, but this isn’t true. It actually creates less love and more mistreatment. Your partner feels the wall you have up, and this makes them afraid for themselves, so they put their wall up.

You will always create exactly what you fear. In focusing on protecting yourself, you are giving no love and you won’t get any back. When you set aside resentment and forgive, and start giving love (even if it’s undeserved), your partner will genuinely want to love you back.

3. Take responsibility for your fear issues

You must take responsibility for your bad behavior in the relationship. Your insecurities and fears (and the bad behavior they create) are your jobs to fix. Try to name your fear triggers when they happen. Are you feeling fear of failure and not feeling good enough? Do you feel taken from or mistreated (which is fear of loss)? Can you tell which fear your spouse is battling? When you can name them, you will also know what you and they need (validation and reassurance).

When you get triggered, instead of either shutting down or exploding, you can say, “I need you to reassure me and love me through the insecurities this has triggered in me. Could you do that?” Or ask, “What do you need right now to make you feel safer with me?” If you can learn to quiet each other’s fears, the relationship will improve fast.

Your partner probably needs you to listen, honor and respect their right to think and feel the way they do. They also need you to own your past bad behavior and apologize for it. Even if you think they behaved worse, own your part and say sorry. Being vulnerable and humble creates a safer space where they are more likely to own their bad behavior too.

If you get angry and fly off the handle (regularly) you are, again, having a fear issue and it is your job to fix it. You only get angry or offended when you fear failure or your fear of loss and feel either insulted, taken from or mistreated. If anger is an issue for you, identify the fear trigger that gets you most of the time and start practicing getting a handle on it, all by yourself. Choose to trust your value cannot be diminished by anyone or anything. If your spouse gets disappointed or frustrated with your behavior, there might be some good lessons there, but you still have the same intrinsic value as everyone else. If you see yourself and your value as unchangeable you won’t get angry as often.

Then, choose to trust the universe that you are safe all the time and can’t fail or lose anything unless it serves you to lose it as part of your perfect classroom. If you choose a perspective of fearlessness and safety, your spouse will no longer be a threat, and you won’t get angry or offended as often.

Resentment is by far one of the most dangerous emotion in your relationships. It can build walls and create disconnection that can even become permanent. Instead of worrying about the past, focus today on showing up with love and kindness, quiet your spouse’s fears with lots of validation and reassurance, show them you see their goodness more than their faults, and be quick to own and apologize when you do wrong. Nothing erases resentment faster than a sincere apology.

You can do this. 

Coach Kim Giles is a human behavior, people skills expert. She is the CEO and founder of 12 Shapes Inc and provides Team Building and People Skills Training for companies and individuals.

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

I recently went through a divorce and it was really hard on my kids and myself. To make matters worse, the people, especially neighbors, who I thought were our friends have really disappeared and let us down. They act like divorce is a disease and they are staying away so they don’t catch it. My kids are finding fewer people who want to play with them, and invites to or neighbors houses aren’t coming our way anymore. What is going on with that? These people I thought were my friends, apparently are fair-weather friends and they are nowhere to be found, even though we need friends more than ever. I had heard of this happening to other people but somehow thought my neighbors were different. What can I do, besides moving, to get our friends back in our lives, especially for my kids? How do I handle this?

Answer:

“Mr. Rogers did not adequately prepare you for the people in your neighborhood, did he?”

Though it’s funny, the truth is real people and their behavior are a lot more complicated than we think. People are complicated because we are all wracked with fears about making mistakes, causing trouble, losing things, losing reputation, being uncomfortable, and being seen in a bad light; these fears produce behavior that is selfish and unloving.

Humans are typically not capable of loving behavior when they are in fear and scared about their own well-being. Love and fear are like light and darkness: they can’t both exist at the same time, in the same place. People who are scared for their own safety may have nothing to give anyone else.

It is important you understand this about human behavior because it will help you to see their pulling back from you as their issue, not yours. It is coming from their fears about themselves.

Here are some common fear issues that friends and neighbors might feel when someone they know gets divorced:

They are afraid they will say the wrong thing.

They may be uncomfortable with your situation, because they don’t and can’t know what was really happening behind your closed doors. This leaves them terribly afraid they will say the wrong thing, and unfortunately it feels safer to them to avoid conversation at all.

Their loyalty feels split because they probably like both of you.

Because they don’t really know what was happening in your marriage, they aren’t sure who the bad guy was, or if there was one. They don’t know whose side they should take (it would be nice if they didn’t take sides at all, but they often feel they should). This again leaves them feeling safer and more comfortable staying away from the whole thing.

They are afraid the same thing could happen to them.

Have you noticed if someone close to you has child or spouse die, you suddenly realize that type of tragedy really happens, and could happen to you? People are afraid the same is true with divorce. If it happened to you, it could happen to them. That reminder is scary, so again, it feels safer to stay away from it.

They might be afraid your values have changed.

Often divorce happens because someone made some mistakes, and your neighbors don’t know if something like that happened, or may wonder who was at fault. Since they don’t have that information, they aren’t sure who changed. So, it might feel safer to stay away from both of you. This is terrible to treat people like this, but most of the time it isn’t a conscious decision. They are likely just reacting this way and pulling back subconsciously.

They might think they don’t know you as well as they thought they did.

Most of the time you were pretending you were all right, and no one knew what was really going on in your home. This makes them feel they didn’t really know you, and they are suddenly not sure if the friendship was real either.

I tell you about these fears not to excuse their behavior, but because I want you to see it isn’t about you. They are uncomfortable and scared, and that is their issue not yours. Work to forgive them for being scared, struggling students in the classroom of life, who have much more to learn. Forgive them for being here, because you are also a work in progress.

Here are a few more ideas:

1. Trust yourself. Trust that this new stage of life is your perfect classroom and you are right where you are supposed to be, experiencing the perfect lessons you need right now. This means you should not resist the reality of losing some friendships; they might not be the friends you need anymore. If this is true, you will be guided toward new friends that are actually better for you.
2. Visit your friends. Look for opportunities to stop by and visit the neighbors you still feel drawn to. Maybe bring cookies and ask questions about how they are, thank them for being a great neighbor or friend, (even though they haven’t been lately); this may motivate them to be more friendly in the future. Then address the elephant in the room. Let them know you realize it’s uncomfortable for everyone when people get divorced and it’s often hard to know what to say. Tell them you get that, but you and your kids need friends more than ever right now. Tell them you would be so grateful if they would treat you just like they always did and not let the divorce change that. Tell them you promise not to get offended if they say the wrong thing, because you get it is hard. Addressing the issue head-on and asking them to show up for you makes it feel safer for them to do so. If it works for you, let them know they don’t have to choose sides and give them permission to be friends with both of you.
3. Make new friends. Get out there and make some new friends. Chances are there are other people in the neighborhood who also feel like outsiders. They could be great new friends. Organize a neighborhood party and invite every house of people you don’t know yet. Let them know this is for everyone and you’d love to meet them.

It is common for your friends list to change a bit after a divorce. You truly might not fit in with the same types of people you did before. Instead of resisting this, trust you will be guided to great new friends who will be better supporters for you during this stage of your life.

You can do this. 

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

I am very frustrated with my mother and some of her answers to things. I find that she lies or tells me things she doesn’t mean all the time. I just want her to tell the truth, even if it’s not what I would like. I think she tells me what she thinks the right answer is, instead. Like when I ask if she is going to go to something, she says no probably not, then she ends up going. Or she says she will talk to my sister about something and then she doesn’t. I have asked her repeatedly to just be honest, but this keeps happening. How can I get her to be honest?

Answer:

This might be happening because she doesn't feel safe enough with you to tell you the truth. Before I explain how to make her feel safer, I want you to understand some things about human beings. I believe, there are only two types of people on this planet:

1. Fear-of-failure dominant people

2. Fear-of-loss dominant people

All fear-of-failure dominant people are severely challenged at speaking their truth, they avoid confrontation, shy away from conflict, and prefer to keep everything and everyone peaceful, no matter the cost. Because of these tendencies, they are often doormats and their tendency to people please can cause a lot of relationship problems.

All fear-of-loss dominant people are very good at speaking their truth, they usually win in confrontation or conflict, and they don’t mind a good argument. Because of these tendencies, they scare the crap out of group one.

From your email, I am fairly confident you are the latter group and it might be hard for you to even imagine why speaking the truth is so hard. It’s always difficult to understand people who are vastly different from us. But fear of failure dominant have a strong subconscious program that says, “It is safer not to speak up.”

Here are two reasons some people lie:

1. They might want to avoid responsibility, trouble or punishment.

2. They don’t feel safe enough to tell you the truth because they are afraid of your reaction.

It sounds to me like your mother is a fear-of-failure dominant person who is terribly afraid to speak her truth to you about some of these issues. This might be because you have had a tendency in the past to react badly, react selfishly, question her motives, argue with her decisions, and otherwise dishonor her right to be where she is and want what she wants.

It is not your job to fix your mother's problems with fear, people-pleasing and lying. But you could do some things to improve the relationship and start making her feel safer with you.

You can do that by doing the following things. (These suggestions would also apply to any relationship where you want the other person to feel safe with you.)

1. Create a space where they can say "no"— and respect and honor that answer. This means letting them know that you can handle a "no" without being disrespectful, passive-aggressive, angry or punishing them. Say something like, “It is OK if you can’t, I would totally understand and I will still love you if you say no.”
2. Create a safe space for them to share their opinion. Again, let them know you really want to understand how they genuinely think and you promise not to disagree, tell them they are wrong or think less of them. If you do disagree, you are at least going to honor and respect their right to their opinion and would never assume you are better, smarter or more right than they are. These are just opinions.
3. If they say they will do something and then don’t, don’t get mad — get curious. Ask them if they would be willing to share what scared them about doing that thing. I promise there is a fear reason. Find out the fear reason and honor and respect their right to be where they are and be afraid of that. Don’t try to fix them. Just ask if they would be willing to talk about a way to do that thing that might not be as scary.
4. Do not talk down to them because they have insecurities you don’t have. Don’t see their fear as weakness or see them as less than you. If you do, they will feel this and not trust you. Instead, honor the fact that while you don’t have this problem, you have plenty of others.
5. Let them have the option of staying silent. They do have the right to keep some things private and not offend you. If they reserve the right to be silent, it's because their words shouldn't be used against them. Criminals have this right; your loved ones should too. Having some things you don’t want to share with others is perfectly fine. Let the other person know that you are here if and when they want to talk, and will provide a safe place with honor and respect if they ever want to share.
6. Let them have the right to do some things without you. I wonder if your mother lies about where she is going because too often you invite yourself to come with her. Give her a safe place to say, "I want to do this on my own," and don’t take that personally. Everyone has a right to feel this way.
7. Be prepared to stay firmly in trust about your value. Look at this experience as your perfect classroom so you don’t get triggered in your own fear issues. Understand this is really not about you; it’s about the other person and what they need right now. Be strong enough to stay calm, loving and respectful no matter what they say. Be prepared to ask questions, listen and not make it about you. (This one is hard and takes practice, but if you can’t handle the truth they won’t give it to you. Decide what you want.)

If you try these suggestions and the person is still lying, there might be more serious problems in play, or they might not believe you can really give them a safe place. They may need a sincere apology from you for all the times you didn’t listen, honor or respect how they felt. Let them know you are sorry and ask for the chance to prove you can do it.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder of 12 Shapes Inc. and the host of a podcast Explain People on iTunes. She is a sought after coach, speaker and corporate people skills trainer.

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

I love the way you make understanding people’s behavior simple, because there is a lot of behavior I cannot understand. I have a relative who is such a control freak she can’t even come to a family gathering unless it’s going to be her way. She bosses everyone else around and tells you exactly what she thinks about everything, even your life and family. She has no filter and no qualms about speaking her truth, and it honestly drives me nuts. How can we get her to stop being so controlling and obnoxious? How do I deal with such a control freak when her behavior is making me crazy?

Answer:

I have explained before that we all — every person on the planet — battles a fear of failure (insecurity about our value) and a fear of loss (insecure or unsafe in the world) to some degree every day. We all have both fears, but we are all a little more dominant in one or the other.

The control freak you are describing is a fear-of-loss dominant person. I know this by her bad behavior. People who feel unsafe in the world need control to make them feel safer. They also tend to be opinionated and feel the need to share their opinions because this also makes them feel safer. In her mind, all of this controlling, opinionated behavior is actually an attempt to be helpful. She means no harm and is trying to create an environment that would be best for everyone. She is trying to help, but I understand why it doesn’t feel that way.

When a fear-of-loss dominant control freak gives unsolicited advice, suggestions, or correction to a fear-of-failure dominant person, it comes across as criticism, insult and control. Fear-of-failure dominant people get very triggered by those things because they add to their already debilitating fear of not being good enough. We (I am a fear-of-failure dominant person, too) often feel attacked, insulted and controlled when these people try to help us. This can feel very annoying.

The trick is understanding this isn’t about you at all. They aren’t seeing you as less valuable or wrong at all. They are controlling because they don’t trust people, the world or life to keep them safe. They think they are only safe if they control it all.

You might try allowing them control as much as possible with things you don’t care about, and then set loving boundaries on the things you do care about. You could also decide to let them be annoying and controlling and just not let it bother you. Stop being annoyed and just be at peace with what is, allowing them to be who they are until it crosses a boundary you can’t live with.

When a control freak is crossing your boundaries or making you feel disrespected or controlled, here is a good procedure for confronting the issue:

1. Find a private opportunity to talk to them

Don't embarrass them in front of anyone else. Ask if they have a few minutes and are free to chat.

2. Ask them about the situation that bothered you

Ask what they thought and felt about it. Give them a chance to express all their ideas and opinions first. If you don’t do this, they will have trouble listening to you. Letting them have the floor first and asking lots of questions will make them feel valued and cared about. They will begin to feel safer with you, which lays a great foundation for a difficult conversation.

After you have spent some time listening and honoring their right to think and feel the way they do, you should ask some permission questions to create a safe space for you to speak your truth.

3. Ask permission questions

Examples of permission questions are:

• Would you be willing to let me share with you some of my thoughts and feelings about that situation?
• Would you be open to giving me a full 5 minutes to explain my feelings and not interrupt or stop me until I am done?
• Do you know that I love and care about you and only want us to have a good relationship?

4. Honor their answer

If they say no they aren’t able to give you that, say “OK, I respect that” and walk away. This shouldn’t happen because you earned this reciprocation by listening to them. If they say yes and are ready to listen, use the following rules to make sure you handle this right.

5. Use “I” statements

It's important to use "I" statements and make sure to only talk about your own perspective, feelings, ideas, concerns, observations, opinions and thoughts. When you talk about your feelings, opinions and experiences, no one can really argue with you. You have the right to see the world the way you see it and feel what you feel. But if you start using “you” statements, it starts to feel like an attack and makes the other person feel defensive.

Try statements like:

• “When we have these family parties I get a little anxious about expressing what I want to do. I feel like my needs aren’t taken into consideration, and I often feel a little bit controlled or criticized for my ideas. I know these are my issues and I am working on them, but I just wondered, moving forward, if you would be willing to let me be in charge of this part or make sure my ideas are also taken into account?
• "Would you be willing to include me in the plans next time this happens?”
• “Would you be willing to be careful of the ways your behavior might make me or others feel controlled and bossed around?”

6. Focus more on future behavior than on past behavior

If you keep talking about how they behaved in the past, they are just going to get defensive and frustrated because they cannot change or fix the past. If you focus only on their future behavior, this is something they can control. Ask them next time this happens, if they would be willing to handle it differently. I demonstrated this in the example above.

Practice in your head a few times before you have the conversation in real life. Practice to find the perfect permission question and the perfect things you will ask for moving forward.

If this person does get offended by your feedback, that is not your problem. Your job is to speak your truth in the most loving and respectful way you can. How they process the information is none of your business. If they get offended and choose to be mean back, remember nothing this person says or does affects your value and however it goes, it will be the perfect classroom for all involved.

Fear-of-loss dominant people can be scary to talk to because they are fearless, strong, opinionated and often aggressive. For a fear-of-failure dominant person who is already scared of being insulted, wrong or judged, this is really scary. But you can be bulletproof and strong if you trust in your infinite value and perfect journey.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder of the 12 Shapes Relationship System - get the app today, take the quiz, invite friends and learn about your fears and your shape at - app.12shapes.com

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

We have friends in our neighborhood who recently told us they had left the church we both belonged to. We have always had much in common — kids the same ages, and similar beliefs — so this feels really awkward. We still love them and respect them choosing what is right for them, but it’s like there is a huge elephant in the room when we are together. It feels awkward, so I admit we haven’t reached out to do things with them as much. This is bothering me because I assume they think we don’t want to be friends with them anymore because of their choice. That is really not the case, but I don’t know how to interact with such a huge elephant in the room. There are so many topics that feel off limits now, I feel like we can’t talk about what is going on in our lives, since so much is ward or church related. I also know they drink alcohol now, and since we don’t that also makes socializing awkward. How do we continue a friendship, regardless of this change? Do you have any advice for this situation?

Answer:

I am sure it is awkward for them too, because all differences create fear and discomfort. This happens because we are subconsciously programmed to see the world always in comparison, in terms of better or worse. We compare every single thing in our lives — people, houses, jobs, teams, races, religions, sodas, etc. The problem comes because comparison assumes that if two things are different, one must be better or more right and the other less or more wrong. Because of this, any difference make us feel unsafe.

As human beings, we have a hard time letting different be just different, with no inherent value, or "better" or "worse" attached to it. The trick in your situation, or any situation where you discover differences, is to remind yourself there is nothing to fear; there is no better or worse, there is only different. Seeing the situation this way means you will show up with more love than fear.

Addressing fear

Think about what you are really afraid of if you socialize with them:

• Are you afraid talking about the church at all will bother them (because it might look like you believe your way is best)?
• Are you afraid they will judge you for staying in the church, or are you afraid they will think you are judging them for leaving?
• Are you afraid, on any level, that hanging out with diverse groups of people might push you in that same direction?
• Are you afraid of any faith-related topics coming up and making everyone uncomfortable?

All of these fears do one thing: They interfere with your ability to be genuine, real and unconditionally loving. You cannot access your ability to love if you are in fear. Both can’t exist at the same time in the same place. So, as long as you are caught up in fear, this is going to feel awkward.

I recommend you work on the three things described below to help eliminate the fear, then call your friends up and invite them to do something with your family and show up exactly the same as you always have. There is nothing to fear from differences.

Here are three ways to lessen the fear:

1. Trust that nothing anyone does can make them less valuable than anyone else. Your choices don’t give you more value than other people, and don’t diminish your choice either. We all have the same amount of intrinsic value all the time. Trusting this as truth means you have to give up comparison and judgment. You have to let all humans (no matter their differences) have the same worth. The more you practice giving this to others, the better your own self-worth will become. You will also have less fear in any social situation because nothing can change your value.
2. Trust that each human soul gets a totally unique classroom journey here. You can never judge how anyone else is doing in their perfect "classroom" of life because they are in a totally different class than you are. You will never know why their path went a different direction than yours, and you aren’t even entitled to understand it because it’s not your journey. What you must do is honor and respect their right to be where they are. For some reason, it is the right journey for them. It’s not any of your business why. When you can trust the universe knows what it’s doing, you will feel safer in every situation in your life. You will also let everyone else be safe in their perfect classroom journey, and you won’t feel unsafe, uncomfortable or stressed around them.
3. Your perfect classrooms have crossed paths for a reason: growth for all involved. Growth and learning are why we are on the planet, and this means every person you meet is here to teach you something. The reason there is such diversity on this planet is that differences make us stretch the limits of our love. It’s easy to love people who are just like you. Growth happens when you are forced to stretch and learn to love people who you don’t understand. Instead of pulling away from these friends because it feels safer, lean into the discomfort as a chance to grow and learn. These people and their differences are in your life to teach you something beautiful. Embrace them, and the lessons, without fear.

The 'elephant'

You might want to talk about the elephant in the room up front. Tell them you love their family, and what church they go to, or what they believe, makes no difference to you. Tell them you would love to get together just like you always have, but you have concerns about saying the wrong thing, mentioning your church or accidentally offending them.

Ask what they would feel most comfortable with. Talk about whether you are comfortable with drinking or not. Should you make a rule to leave the religion and church topic out (there are plenty of other things to talk about)?

Tell them there is no judgment from you, whatsoever, because everyone gets to choose their own path and truth. Tell them you respect the amount of courage it must have taken to be true to their beliefs. Ask for forgiveness up front, if you accidentally say something about the church. They are probably equally anxious about hanging out with your family because they fear judgment.

Addressing this right up front takes the elephant out of the room. Then relax and just be normal.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is a marriage, family and relationship coach. She is the founder of www.claritypointcoaching.com and www.12shapes.com She is an entertaining speaker and certifies people interested in being life or executive coaches.

This was first published on ksl.com

​Question:

I liked your last article about conflict, but I wondered if you could give me more specific instructions for having really touchy conversations. I have a difficult conversation coming up and I am afraid of it turning into a confrontation. Can you help?

Answer:

Lots of people think they need improved communication skills, but the real reason we struggle to communicate about "touchy" subjects is that our fears get triggered. If we start to feel unsafe in a conversation, we might get defensive and protective of ourselves and our views. This might happen when you feel insulted, dishonored or criticized (fear-of-failure triggers). This may also happen when you feel mistreated or like you might lose something (fear-of-loss triggers). These fear-related emotions have the power to turn a conversation into an argument.

Fear is all about ourselves and our needs. When we are triggered, we tend to show up selfish in the conversation and when you show up this way, it can make connection difficult.

To avoid this, here are some simple steps you can follow before and during the conversation.

1. Make a decision about what you want to happen at the end of the conversation

Do you just want to placate the other person and avoid conflict, but without real understanding? Or do you want to connect, understand and learn about the heart and mind of the other person? Would you like to increase mutual respect and compassion, even if you don’t agree?

Make sure your intention is not to win an argument or control the other person because they can feel this kind of agenda and it may create defensiveness. If you're hoping to have some influence over the person, remember you have more influence when there is a connection versus when you try to control. Clarify your goal and make sure it is love motivated and honors what they want too.

2. Remember your intrinsic value is not in question

It is the same as every other person’s, no matter how this conversation goes. You cannot be diminished or made less than anyone else. Remembering this will make it less likely that your fear of failure will get triggered.

3. See the other person as having the same intrinsic value as you

Choose to honor their right to be different and think differently than you. They have the right to see the world the way they see it. Don't talk down to them and don't allow yourself to be intimidated by them. You are equals — even if they are younger or older than you.

4. Clarify what kind of relationship you want to have with this person

What kind of connection, influence, respect or understanding do you want in the relationship? How do you want them to feel about you at the end of the conversation?

5. Clarify what the topic is and what it isn’t

Ask the other person if they would be open to discussing that specific topic. If they aren't, honor that. Decide together what the limits of that conversation should be.

6. Address the underlying what and why for each person

What is this conversation really about and why is this topic important to both of you? What about this conversation frightens you or the other person?

You might think about this before the conversation starts or you might discuss these concerns with the other person. Asking them what they would like to see happen in this conversation is a great way to start. If you start with the end in mind, you may increase the likelihood that it will go that way.

7. Take a minute and figure out what is relevant and what should be off limits

Consider setting some ground rules that would make the other person feel safer to have the conversation. Maybe bringing up past offenses should be off limits. What is considered "below the belt" in the conversation? What is acceptable and unacceptable? Let them know they can call you out, too, if you break these rules.

8. Set aside your agenda, thoughts and feelings, and focus on the other person first

Ask questions about what they think and how they feel and then listen. Ask clarifying questions if you need to and make sure you don't get triggered. If the conversation gets difficult, keep reminding yourself that you have the same value and that this is your perfect life classroom.

This important step is where you can show the other person that you value them by spending time listening and trying to understanding them. This helps validates their worth as a person and can make them feel safer with you. And the safer they feel, the more productive the conversation will be.

9. Ask permission to share your ideas

Once the other person feels validated and heard, ask for permission to now share your thoughts and feelings. If you have something you really need to share, asking permission might sound like, “Would you be willing to let me explain my beliefs, fears, or concerns with you?” or, “Are you in a place where you can hear my beliefs and still know that I honor and respect yours?” You might ask for no interruptions for a specific amount of time. You might also remind them of your intention and ask them to keep that in mind as you share. When you ask permission before sharing, you show the other person that you respect them. This, again, can make them feel safer with you. If both parties feel safe, conversations go much better.

10. Honor their answer

If they respond negatively and do not give you permission to talk, you should honor this and say “I respect that, no problem." This is important if you want to build a relationship of trust and could help this person be more open in the future.

If they respond positively and give you permission to talk, there are a couple of tricks to making sure you share without offending.

First, use “I” statements over “you” statements. This means you should speak about what you think, feel, see, believe and want instead of criticizing them. When you start with “You are…” or “ You do this…”, those comments may come off as an attack and trigger defensiveness. Instead, try "I feel..." or “I believe this…”

Second, focus on future behavior instead of past behavior because when you focus on the past, it can create frustration since it cannot be changed. You do, however, have some control over future behavior, so asking for different behavior next time is much more palatable.

If they have more to say, go back to step No. 7 and work forward from there again. Repeat this until you can thank them for taking the time to help you understand their thoughts and feelings. You may or may not reach an agreement or resolution, but if the goal was connection and understanding, my hope is that you accomplished that.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the author of three books, including Choosing Clarity: The path to fearlessness available on amazon.com She is a sought after people skills trainer and speaker, and a master executive coach www.claritypointcoaching.com

This was first published on KSL.COM

Question:

Hi Coach Kim. I have some family members who love to make fun of others, especially people who are less fortunate, those who are overweight, and those who have disabilities (either mental or physical). They say it is all in fun, but many times, it is cruel. When I talk with them about this, they say I am too sensitive, and now they say that they can't be themselves around me because I judge them. I don’t really like to be around them. It causes me anxiety, but I truly feel family relations are so important for me and my children. I know I can't change other people, but what should I do?


Answer:

The first thing I want you to understand is why people may judge, gossip or put other people down. They might do this because they're suffering from fear that they aren’t good enough themselves. In order to feel better, they might look for anything negative to point out in other people. If they can stay focused on what is "bad" about others, it might make them feel superior.

When you're around people who are doing this, remember, they may just be insecure about their own value and might act this way to make their egos feel better. That doesn’t excuse it at all, but it helps you understand them and see their behavior accurately.

It's even more important to understand this principle if you have a tendency to judge, gossip about or criticize others. Your subconscious may start judging the people around you before you consciously even realize you're doing it. But when you think about this, it probably isn’t the kind of person you want to be.

If you have this tendency to judge others, watch for it. When you catch yourself doing it, stop and remember that your own insecurity may be driving that behavior. Take a moment to remind yourself that all humans have the same worth and choose to look for some good in the people you're judging instead. Choose to be someone who sees all human beings as having the same value, no matter their appearance or performance.

If you have to be around people that have this tendency and it drives you crazy, as it does our reader, remember that this behavior may come from their insecurities and what they need. They may need validation that they're valuable, appreciated and good enough. This may be the last thing you feel like giving them; you might actually feel like tearing them down. Instead, try just sitting with your feelings toward these people for a minute. Feel your own sense of disgust or disapproval, and be honest with yourself about your negative feelings about them.

Are you seeing these people as bad, less or worse than you? Are you standing in judgment of them or them being judgmental? Are you doing the same thing they're doing? The fact is, we all do it because we may all be insecure about our own value.

Take a minute and ask yourself who are all the people you tend to judge.

There's a reason you judge the people you do. They may trigger some fear in you and judging them as the bad guy may help you resolve that. Here are some examples:

• If you judge overweight people, you might have some subconscious fears around your own appearance and you may base your own value largely on how you look. Because this causes you pain and fear — always worrying about your appearance — you can be fixated on appearance and you might have a tendency to notice other people who seem to be struggling in this area. But it could be a fear about your own appearance that drives you to judge others.

• If you judge people who don’t have or make much money, and see them as lazy or not as good as other people, it could be tied to the way you value yourself. You might base your value on your performance or property. Because you see yourself as less than other people who have done "better" or have more money than you, you might also see people who have done "less" than you as even worse. It could be your own fear around feeling less successful that drives your judgment.

• If you judge judgmental or critical people, it might be because you're afraid of being judged or criticized yourself. Because you're afraid of what others think of you, you may see people who judge others as a threat to you. Because they're the threat to you, you might look for the negative factors in them and cast them as the bad ones. All of this might subconsciously make you feel safer.

I know I might have readers who will say some people aren’t scared and that they're just "jerks." But the truth is there are reasons jerks behave the way they do. I believe these people always have a subconscious fear issue. They fear not being good enough or they fear being taken from and put others down to feel safer.

Your family members may be seeing the bad in other people to make themselves feel better. This might anger you because the people who are being judged in this case deserve to be seen accurately and have their value honored. You may not like to hear this, but you, too, are being judgmental. You're judging your family members for judging and criticizing others (which might make you feel a bit superior to them on the subconscious level). Your family members also deserve to be seen accurately and have their value honored. Think of them as works in progress with much more to learn, just like the rest of us.

Remember, we're all students in the classroom of life. We all want to be good people but we all have faults and weaknesses. You may not have this issue exactly like they have, but surely you have others faults — we all do.

The best thing you can do is focus on being the strongest, most wise and loving person you can be today. Put all of your effort into trusting that we all have the same intrinsic worth, though we each have a very unique classroom journey.

We shouldn't judge anyone else as better or worse than us because they aren’t on our same journey. Instead of getting bothered by their bad behavior, focus on making sure you are seeing people accurately and showing up with love and compassion yourself.

You can do this. 

This was first published on KSL.com

SALT LAKE CITY — Last week’s article explained why most problems are fear related and how two core fears can be responsible for most bad behavior. This article explains how those two fears can create three different dynamics in your relationships.

Before I explain the three dynamics, the two core fears and the problems they cause at their worst are:

• The fear of failure or the fear of not being good enough. Someone who is fear of failure dominant can be a people pleaser or overgiver, who may struggle with boundaries and saying "no." These people may need validation from others (and no criticism or judgment) to feel safe in the world.
• The fear of loss. A fear of loss dominant person can be a controlling, easily offended, know-it-all, who is constantly on the outlook for mistreatment and things that are not right. They tend to be critical and need control to feel safe in the world.

These two fears can create three dynamics in your relationship. Remember, however, that each person functions in an unbalanced fear state or a balanced trust and love state, so these dynamics have a positive and negative side to them.

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A fear of failure dominant person with another fear of failure dominant person

In this kind of relationship both parties might be insecure and needy for reassurance that they are loved, respected and wanted. If both parties are functioning in a fear state this could mean they are focused on getting validation and no one is giving any. When I meet with these kinds of couples they are both saying the exact same thing — they both fear being unloved and unwanted. There usually isn't much conflict in these relationships, though, because both parties hate it. Instead, they both pull away and could start living around each other like roommates. To make this kind of relationship work, both parties need to work on their own self-esteem and stop making their partner responsible for their happiness.

In a balanced trust and love state, these relationships can be wonderful, safe and reassuring, where both parties are givers and able to show up emotionally for the other.

A fear of loss dominant person with another fear of loss dominant person

In this kind of relationship, both parties need control to feel safe in the world which can cause quite a bit of conflict. They are both on the lookout for offenses and mistreatment and may think it’s there when it really isn’t. When I meet with these couples I hear them say the same thing — they feel the other party is mean, controlling or irritating. Both parties need to work on letting go of their need for control and being right to make this relationship work. They need to watch how they speak to each other and be as understanding and as flexible as possible.

In a balanced trust and love state, these relationships can reach maximum productivity. These two people can get things done and have everything working like a well-oiled machine while having mutual respect and admiration for each other. The good work that one does can make the other person feel more secure and safe in the world, curing the other's core fear.

A fear of failure dominant person with a fear of loss dominant person

This is the most common of the three — perhaps because opposites attract. In these relationships, there can be a lot of misunderstanding, resentment and disappointment because you just don’t get the other person and can’t understand why they aren't more like you.

We all subconsciously might think of our way as being the right way. It is important that you remember we all have the same value and no way of being is better or worse than the other, they are just different.

In these relationships, the fear of failure dominant person can often feel criticized and judged as the fear of loss dominant person may be prone to correcting and pointing out what isn’t right. The latter may not mean to be critical and could just be trying to help or make things better, but their comments could trigger the person with the fear of failure, causing them to detach or even feel unsafe with the other person. This could start to drive a wedge between them.

The fear of loss dominant person might feel the other pulling back and this could make them feel mistreated, which will actually bring out more criticism. This vicious cycle plays out until there is a giant wedge and deep resentment on both sides.

But it doesn't have to be this way.

In a balanced trust and love state, the fear of loss dominant person has the ability to recognize the insecurity in the other and give them reassurance that they are admired, respected and wanted.

You shouldn't, however, be responsible for your partner's self-esteem — that is their job. But you can be a safe place and that can help improve the relationship.

In a balanced trust and love state, the fear of failure dominant person also has the ability to recognize their partner's need for control and where that stems from and can offer support when needed.

The trick to getting both parties into a balanced trust and love state is working on the following beliefs, which may eliminate the two core fears:

• Trust that your value is infinite, absolute and unchangeable, so you can’t fail. Believe your value is the same as every other person's and that you can’t earn more and be better than others. Believe that you can’t lose value and be worse than others. This belief takes “not being good enough” off the table. The more you choose this as your truth, give up judgment of others, and see all people this way, the less fear of failure will affect you.
• Trust that every experience is your perfect classroom journey and is happening to help you become stronger, wiser and more loving. This means everything is here to serve you, bless you, and grow you. The more you choose this as your perspective, the more you trust the universe it knows what it’s doing and you let go of a need to control everything. This helps you be less negative or critical and more accepting and validating.

Changing your subconscious programs of fear takes work and practice. Both of you will need to make working on your fear triggers and bad behavior a priority. You may also need some professional help to get you there, but recognizing the underlying issues is the first step.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is a life coach, speaker and author, and has a free quiz online where you can figure your dominant core fear and your Relationship Behavior Shape. Check it out at www.12shapes.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com