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Coach Kim: Intent matters if you want a good relationship

1/11/2021

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This was first published on KSL.COM

SALT LAKE CITY — I work with many couples who experience conflict in their relationships and who want to change that. Often, these couples fight over small things that hinge on misunderstandings of intent.

Most of us don't take the time to understand "the why" behind another person's behavior or their intent before we react. We don't ask questions about why our partner did what they did. We must start doing this if we want a healthy relationship because the intent matters.

When we don't know someone's true intent, there will be many unintentional slights, misunderstandings and assumptions of wrongdoing when wrong isn't even there.

Seneca, the author of "Moral Essays" said, "A gift consists not in what is done or given, but in the intention of the giver or doer." The same could be said about an offense: People can do the wrong thing for the right reason, and it changes the thing.

If couples can learn to stop before getting upset or offended, and take the time to ask questions and really understand why their partner behaved the way they did, they can nip most conflicts in the bud.

But this means watching yourself for anger and stopping yourself before you say or do anything. It means deciding — in the moment — to ask kind, understanding questions to get more information before you jump to conclusions or add meaning to their behavior.



Let me give you an example. Sally had asked Tom to pick up something at the store for her on his way home from work. He forgot the item because he was in a rush and had left work deeply upset about something his boss had said. When he got home and Sally realized he had not done what she asked, she was upset and felt unimportant and unsupported. She took the offense personally and got angry at Tom for what she viewed as mistreatment.

What I want you to see in this example is Sally's reaction to the events came from intent she was assuming or applying to what happened. Tom forgot to stop at the store for her. Those are the simple facts. She added meaning and intent to the facts by telling herself forgetting meant he didn't listen, care, want to help or support her.

Those were not the real reason he forgot to stop. Tom forgot to stop at the store because he was preoccupied with fear about his own situation and he inadvertently let it slip his mind. This had nothing to do with Sally and how he feels about her.

I can understand her frustration, though; and if this was something that happened a lot, it might have other meaning attached to it. But this one time, his intent wasn't malicious or about her.

In a recent article, I suggested that when someone offends you, you should try and figure out which of four possible reasons might be behind the behavior. The four most common reasons people behave badly are:
  1. They were oblivious and not paying attention. They didn't mean to disregard you or mistreat you; they were simply not being aware.
  2. They are dealing with their own fear issues, and their behavior is focused on finding a sense of safety for themselves.
  3. They are in a serious fear state where they are feeling generally defensive, always protecting themselves and seeing everyone as a threat.
  4. They intentionally wanted to hurt you or do you wrong.
Any time you get upset, ask yourself which of the four reasons might be the why behind the other person's bad behavior. The author James A. Owen said, "Don't ascribe to evil what can be attributed to well-intentioned stupidity." The truth is, most offenses in your relationship are just that, unintentional stupidity.

If you still feel justified to have an angry and reactive response, you might stop and ask yourself why you want to be angry. What is the intent behind your anger? The why behind your reaction is just as important as the why behind theirs.
  • Do you feel unsafe and feel the need to protect yourself from mistreatment?
  • What will an angry reaction create?
  • Is that an outcome you want?
  • What do you really want in this relationship?
  • What reaction or behavior would create that?
When Sally realized that Tom had forgotten to stop at the store, instead of taking this as a personal offense and getting mad at him — a response that is driven by fear — she might have decided to ask some kind and understanding questions so she could learn what really happened with her partner and what his intent was.

Asking kind questions with the purpose of understanding and getting to know this person feels very different than asking defensive, accusatory questions. Here are some examples.

"Why did you not do the one thing I asked you to do Tom?" That is an accusatory question that doesn't show a desire to understand.

A better question might be: "I noticed you forgot to stop at the store, are you OK? What's been happening today?"

The most important skill a couple can have is the ability to have mutually validating conversations that are focused on understanding each other. Unfortunately, a lot of people listen with the intent to reply, not the intent to understand.

The key to communicating in a way that validates both parties and leads to understanding and compromise (instead of conflict) lies in following a few simple rules.

Don't speak down to your partner

Never speak down to your partner from a high horse position, where you are the good one and they are the bad one. If a conversation starts this way, it will never end well. Remember that you both have the same intrinsic value and deserve to be respected. Always speak to your partner as an equal and in a respectful tone. Let them know that you are not coming from a place of judgment, just a place of wanting to understand and know them better.

Don't start with your feelings

Never start the conversation with all your thoughts and feelings. Start with asking questions about what your partner is thinking and feeling. Set your thoughts, feelings, opinions and ideas aside in the beginning; you will get the chance to share them later on. If you start by listening, your partner will be less defensive and they may actually feel safe enough to share with you.

Understand your partner's core fear and core value system

I have mentioned them in previous articles, but their core fear is either fear of failure or fear of loss; their core value system is either connection, tasks, things or ideas. If you understand how your partner is wired at this level, you can usually see the intent behind their behavior.

Tom, in the example above, might have fear of failure as his core fear. His fear of failing at work may have had him so consumed that he forgot everything else. Or maybe he values connection most and was so upset about the bad conversation with his boss that a task slipped his mind. He just values people more than tasks. Understanding your partner at this level could be a game-changer.

Focus on your partner's feelings

Ask kind, supportive questions about what your partner was feeling when the offense happened. Make sure these questions aren't an attack or pointed at making them wrong but are instead focused on understanding them. Spend the time to explore their state of mind, thoughts and feelings. You might be amazing at what you learn that you didn't know.

Remember intent matters

Remember intent matters, words matter and tone matters. Choose carefully.

Ask to share your feelings

Ask if your partner would be willing to let you share where you were and what you were thinking and feeling. Don't assume your partner should listen to you; ask them if they are willing and able to really listen and understand you. Ask if they would be willing to not interrupt and let you fully explain your side before they say anything. Ask for exactly what you need from them to make you feel heard and understood.

Use 'I' statements

Use "I" statements not "you" statements. Say things like, "I believe, I think, I feel, I experience, I react to, or in my opinion. Avoid saying, "You always," "You never," "You didn't care or try." As you can see, "you" statements feel like an attack. Keep your comments all about yourself and don't talk about your spouse. Let them speak for themselves.
​
Practice makes perfect

Repeat these steps until you gain understanding or come to a compromise.

Try this week to ask more questions and pay more attention to intent. Show your partner that you can give them the benefit of the doubt, and that most of the time offenses are unintentional. Give them room to be distracted, self-focused because of fear, and sometimes miss things. Be willing to forgive most garden variety slights in favor of a healthier, happier relationship.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: 5 critical things your children and partner need from you

11/9/2020

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This was first published on ksl.com

​SALT LAKE CITY — I was recently reading David Richo's book "Triggers: How We Can Stop Reacting and Start Healing" and was impressed with what he calls the five A's. These are 5 elements of a secure environment, which create a place where children (no matter their age) can feel safe and secure in the world.

The five A's are: attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing.

In his book, Richo encourages readers to examine their own childhood and see if these five factors were present while you were growing up. If you were lacking in one or more of these elements, he says it might have created some shame, fear or feelings of inadequacy that you battle with today.

The truth is no parent ever does these five things perfectly, so we all feel unsafe in the world to some extent. Just take stock of which elements were missing in your childhood and think about how you can give yourself that element now. As an adult, you have the ability to heal yourself of anything you missed out on. All five elements are things you can give yourself every day.

Understanding Richo's five elements can also help you consciously parent your own children better and create an environment where they grow up feeling safe and secure. As you read about the five A's, don't focus on the ways you might have failed to give them to your children in the past; you have been doing the best you could with what you knew at the time. Instead, focus on what you can do today to make your child feel safe and "good enough."

You will also find that your spouse or significant other wants and needs the same five elements each day. Consciously focusing on giving the five A's to everyone in your life could drastically improve all your relationships. Every day, ask yourself: "What can I do to make the people in my life feel some attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing today?"

Attention

Everyone wants to feel seen, heard and known. We all need to know our loved ones see us, but without judgment or criticism. We need attention that isn't about monitoring or watching for what needs correction, but attention that is just honoring our right to be the amazing human we are, exactly as we are.

Children: Your children need to have you ask questions about how they feel and what they think; they need you to take the time to actively listen and strive to understand and know them. You might want to consider setting aside one-on-one time with each child, each week, just to listen and ask questions. Taking them for a treat or meal is a great time to do this.

Partner: In a personal relationship, you might also set aside some time to give your partner your undivided attention each week — time where you ask questions and listen so they feel seen, heard and understood weekly, too.

Acceptance

Everyone wants to feel accepted as "good enough" as they are right now.

Children: Children experience a great deal of correction, and this can sometimes make them feel inadequate, broken or unlovable. They need a great deal of validation about their unchanging worth to counterbalance all that correction. They need to feel you aren't trying to change them; they need to know that who they inherently are (without any effort) is amazing and perfect.

Acceptance can be hard to give to children, but it is so important that they be allowed to be who they are. The more you validate their right to be who and where they are, the more motivated they will be to improve. If they are constantly told they need to improve, they can resist changing.

Partner: In a personal relationship, you might also make sure you see the differences between you and your partner and honor your partner's right to be different and have the same value. Click here to read an article about honoring your partner's right to be different.

Appreciation

Everyone wants to be acknowledged for what they do right, as well as for their character and who they are as a person.

Children: Make sure the validation you give your child is not always tied to behavior or obedience. They need to receive some validation for simply being who they are. While you should acknowledge and appreciate any effort and accomplishment, you should also appreciate them just being in your life. One family I knew went around the table every night at dinner and told each person something they appreciated about them. Doing this daily made sure this need was always met.

Partner: In a personal relationship, you might also tell your partner regularly all the reasons you love them. Mention all the qualities you admire and the things they do for you and the family that you appreciate. Take time to do this on a regular basis, even if you think they already know. They need to hear it frequently.

Affection

Everyone needs physical touch, hugs and kisses to feel truly secure in the world; it is a powerful form of validation and love to receive physical contact from another person.

Children: Showing affection through physical touch is easy when children are young, but it often gets harder as they grow. Look for opportunities to give your children a hug or a simple touch on the arm every now and then. Make sure your child feels some contact daily. If you come from a family that doesn't express affection through physical touch, this might be something you have to consciously work on.

Partner: In a personal relationship, physical touch is vital to the health of the relationship. Intimacy with your partner is what connects the two of you and keeps the bond strong. If you struggle with motivation for intimacy, it may be because there are problems that need to be addressed in the rest of the relationship. Seek professional help at the first sign of trouble here. Be willing to do some work and make some changes yourself if you want this to improve. Click here to read other KSL articles on improving intimacy.

Allowing

Everyone needs the freedom to become who they want to become. They need to be free from control, to some extent, and not feel forced into being something that isn't authentic.

Children: Children need to feel some freedom to explore the world around them and experience different things. They need encouragement to set their own goals and be allowed whatever interests spark a light in them. When parents force too much behavior or conformity on children, it can send the message that they can't be loved as they are. By contrast, unconditional love allows them to make choices and choose their way in the world without judgment, which builds confidence and teaches them to trust themselves.

Partner: In a personal relationship, it's helpful if you allow your partner to have the freedom to make some choices without your input, be the version of themselves they choose to be, and know that it's OK to be different from you. Some people need control to feel safe in the world, and they may inadvertently try to control their spouse to gain a feeling of security. Could this be you? Think about how you can trust yourself and your partner and let go of some control. You may need to seek professional help in this matter.

You might write these five elements on a piece of paper and tape it to the fridge as a reminder to make sure they each happen in your home every day.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: How to stop the fighting in your relationship

11/1/2020

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This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

My spouse and I keep getting in these fights where she does something like ignores me when I am trying to talk to her, and this offends me and I get angry and slam a door, which really offends her and makes her feel attacked, which starts a big fight that lasts all week. The fight morphs and quickly becomes about who treats who worse. And in this drawn out fight, no one wins. After days of being mad and miserable we will start to move past it, but only until one of us offends the other again. What can we do to break this cycle of offending each other?
​
Answer:

The root cause of these fights is you both functioning in a fear state where you feel unsafe with each other, and this is making you wear what I call "mistreatment glasses." Mistreatment glasses means you are subconsciously looking for mistreatment and offenses that will prove that you aren't safe with your partner and that they are the "bad one." Whatever you are looking for you will find. If you are looking for mistreatment, you will find it. If you are looking for proof your partner loves you, you will find that too.

Unfortunately, almost all of us feel unsafe in the world (at the subconscious level), and this keeps us on the defensive a lot of the time. When you feel unsafe, your ego steps up to try and protect you. It does this through defensiveness and casting the other person as the bad one. That is why it feels like a win (to your ego) when you can show that your partner treated you worse and you are the victim. But this is really not a win; no one wins when you get offended by small things and always see your partner as the enemy.

Below is a process you can use when someone offends you. Following it will help you step back out of ego to see the situation more accurately and respond more maturely.

Note: In this article I am only addressing how to deal with the garden variety of arguments, not situations that involve abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has information on how to identify the warning signs of abuse and how one can get help.

See the other person's bad behavior accurately

When someone behaves badly or offends you, there are four possible reasons for this behavior. Knowing them will help you accurately access what is happening in each situation. The four reasons people behave badly:
  1. They were oblivious, not paying attention, missed some things, or had inadvertent bad behavior. They didn't mean to disregard you or mistreat you, they were simply not paying attention.
  2. They are dealing with their own fear issues and their behavior is selfishly focused on finding a sense of safety for themselves. This can include seeking validation, showing off, protecting themselves, being jealous, being controlling, etc. It has been my experience that most bad behavior happens for this reason.
  3. They are in a serious fear state where they are feeling defensive, working to protect themselves, and seeing you as a threat. This line of thinking may not be accurate (you are probably not a threat), but in this state you look that way to them and this is all they can see.
  4. They intentionally wanted to hurt you or do you wrong
Which is most likely true in your case? Really think about this and give your partner a little benefit of the doubt, based on the qualities that attracted you to them in the first place. Are they someone who intentionally desires to hurt you? If they are, this may not be a healthy relationship for you to be in. But most of the time, offenses aren't intentional.

If this offense happened for any of the other three reasons, you must step back, stop taking this personally, and choose to not get offended — because it isn't about you. They don't feel safe in the world, and a person who doesn't feel safe has no choice but to focus on finding a sense of safety; they aren't capable of anything else. They may need some professional help to work on their fears around not being good enough and things not being right. So, the negative coping behaviors can be negated.

Be responsible for your response to the offense

You are responsible for your reactions and responses, and this should be your only concern. It is the only thing you have control over and the only thing that matters now. You must choose to respond with love, not fear.

If you get defensive and respond from a fear state, you are now doing the exact same thing the other person did to you. You are demonstrating fear-based bad behavior, and responding badly back is just as bad as responding badly first. It's the same bad behavior driven by the same cause.

Respond to an offense with love

Offenses and your reactions happen fast though, so you will need to practice and prepare ahead of time to be able to remember these steps in the heat of the moment. You might want to read through this procedure daily or replay past offenses that you reacted badly to, running through these steps to see what you should have done.

Procedure for reacting to offenses:
  1. Recognize your angry, defensive, offended, unbalanced emotions when they are triggered.
  2. Recognize the desire to place blame for those emotions on the other person and see them as the bad guy.
  3. Remember the four real reasons people behave badly. Ask yourself: Is this person intentionally trying to hurt you, or could it be one of the other three reasons that aren't about you at all? If it's one of those, you now have two options: Let it go and ignore it (usually the best option), or speak your truth and ask for better treatment, but do it in a loving, validating way.
Procedure for mutually validating conversations:
  1. See the other person as the same as you. They are not the bad one, and you the good one. You are both good and bad, and you have the same intrinsic value all the time. Do not talk down to the other person or attack them in any way. You are no better than they are.
  2. Ask if they would be open to talking about the relationship and how you could both make it better.
  3. Ask how they are feeling about the relationship. Ask if there is anything you do that bothers them, that they would love to have you work on or change. Ask if there is anything you do that bothers or irritates them. Be humble, teachable and willing to make some changes yourself. Be willing to spend time here, really listening and validating their right to feel the way they do. This is the love part of the conversation and this is where you show them that you are committed to showing up for and caring about them.
  4. Explain how you feel about the behavior they have that bothers you, but do so using more "I" statements than "you" statements. Say things like "when this happens, I feel this way ... ," or "To me, it looks and feels this way and I just wondered if you would be willing to do that differently next time that happens?" Focus on the future behavior you want to see, not the past bad behavior that they can't change. Make sure this is not an attack; it is you sharing how you feel when certain things happen and owning your fear issues.
  5. Tell them it would really help you if they would consider changing one thing moving forward. Focus on only one change in this conversation (others can wait for another time).
  6. Repeat the steps 3-5 again if needed. At this point, the other person might have more to say to you or might get defensive. If this happens, go back to step 3 and ask questions and validate their feelings again. Go through steps 3-5 again and again, until you both feel supported, heard and understood.
This article has a lot of steps to follow, which will be hard to remember in the heat of the moment when you get offended. You will need to read this often and do a lot of mental replay after a fight to go back through what happened and see what you could have done differently. That kind of practice really helps, though.

You and your partner may also need some coaching or counseling to work on the underlying fear issues that cause you to feel unsafe with each other. I find most couples who fight a lot need individual coaching to get their subconscious fears under control before they can create a healthy relationship. Always be willing to take this on and work on yourself.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: 12 tips to stop the perennial arguments in your relationship

10/19/2020

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This was first published on KSL.com

I read in Psychology Today recently that 70% of the most common conflicts in any relationship (even good relationships) are perennial conflicts, which means they are conflicts that never get resolved and happen over and over again.

These conflicts are usually based on character and behavior differences between the two people that irritate the other person. Most of these differences are in a person's subconscious programming and innate wiring, and most are not going to change. I am talking about things like being late all the time or not being organized.

If you want to have a rich and healthy relationship you are going to have to accept some of these things about your partner and quit trying to fundamentally change them. You are going to have to choose to love who they are.

That doesn't mean you can't bring up behaviors that bother you; but if you decide to do that, you better take stock of your own faults, flaws and quirks first. You must decide to forgive your spouse some of their flaws and quirks because you want some of yours forgiven too. You must be more accepting and less critical, let small irritating things go, and try to laugh at the funny ways you are wired differently.

Note: This article does not address relationships where abuse is happening. It is directed to those who have run of the mill conflicts, arguments, offenses and irritations with their partner, but there is no emotional, mental or physical abuse happening. If abuse, infidelity, dishonesty, cruelty, or other problems are in play, acceptance is not the answer and you should seek a mental health professional.

Here are some things you can do to become more accepting of your partner and reduce the perennial conflicts.
  1. Accept that your partner is not going to behave or function in the world the same way you do. They had a different upbringing and different life experiences. They have different perspectives and are wired differently than you are. Expecting them to think and behave as you do is unrealistic.
  2. Understand your way of behaving is not the right way and theirs is not the wrong way; they are just different ways. Your way might be better in your opinion, but that is just an opinion. Everyone is entitled to see the world the way they see it. You will not have a healthy relationship if you make your partner "wrong" every time they behave differently from you. You must give them room to be themselves or you don't really love them.
  3. Accept that you cannot change or "fix" your partner. No amount of begging or pleading or threatening can make another person change. So, if your focus is on changing them (more than accepting them), you are going to have problems.
  4. Accept that your partner may not share the same value system you do. Chances are good that you value different things. Do you highly value being social, getting tasks done, looking good, or appreciating ideas and principles most? Which does your partner value or focus on most? One is not better than another; we are just wired to focus on one most. If you are a principle person and married to a social person, this difference can create lots of challenges. But if you are committed to allowing your partner to be different, and even celebrate the differences, you can make it work.
  5. The more you try to change your partner, the more they will dig in and defend their right to be as they are. Accepting them fully as they are actually leaves your partner room to decide to improve themselves on their own. They might change because they love you and want to give to you, but you only if you don't try to change them. I know this seems counter-intuitive, but it's still true. Encouragement is a better motivator than disappointment.
  6. Don't be disappointed in your partner. If they feel you are disappointed in them, they will be less motivated to try to please you. In fact, your partner will more likely get resentful or passive-aggressive. Accept that they are not perfect, and neither are you. You are both going to disappoint each other on occasion, so think about how you want them to treat you on those days. Show up with love and acceptance and reassure them that they don't have to be perfect to be worthy of your love.
  7. Make a list of your faults, flaws, character deficits, and quirky behaviors. Ask your partner to do the same. Sit together and talk about the flaws that are probably never going to change and will require understanding and working around. If your partner is always late, how can you deal with that and work around it? If they are forgetful, how can you allow that without getting mad every time it happens. You will be willing to forgive them some flaws so they will do the same for you.
  8. Understand your different love languages. Your partner doesn't give or experience love and security the same way you do. The things that make you feel loved may do nothing for them. You must take the time to learn what makes them feel safe and loved, and make sure you are giving that to them daily. They must do the same for you.
  9. Never play the victim. Never blame your spouse as the cause of the problem. Every problem is a two-way street. They might do this irritating thing, but you might also be too sensitive to that thing. You both must stay responsible for what you could do better, and be quick to offer lots of sincere apologies for any little part you play. Apologizing more and blaming less is key.
  10. Remember that the qualities you like in your partner and the qualities you don't like are usually inextricably linked. Every good quality has a shadow-side negative. A person who is disciplined and organized is also picky and hard to please. A person who is always late is also easy going and low key. Try to find the benefits that go with the qualities that bother you and remember you don't get one without the other.
  11. Understand most annoying qualities or flaws aren't that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. How much will this conflict matter in 10 years? Is there any chance you are making a mountain out of a molehill? Would it be more mature to let this one go? Are there more important strengths and good qualities your partner does have? Could you focus on those?
  12. Consider if your partner's flaws are triggering a long-buried issue that really belongs to you. For some irritations, if you didn't already have a sore spot in that area from your past your partner's problem wouldn't bother you. Is there any chance you have fears, triggers or issues — even from your childhood — that are making your partner's fault bigger than it has to be, or adding meaning that isn't really there? This is a good question to ask whenever you get triggered by anything. Take responsibility for your side of every annoyance and be willing to do some work on you.
Perhaps the most important thing to remember is don't give up. Bumps in the road are inevitable, but most can be resolved through increasing your understanding and acceptance of the person you love and yourself. A healthy relationship also requires lots of forgiveness and room for both of you to be imperfect.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: How to stop the fighting in your relationship

10/12/2020

0 Comments

 
This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

My spouse and I keep getting in these fights where she does something like ignores me when I am trying to talk to her, and this offends me and I get angry and slam a door, which really offends her and makes her feel attacked, which starts a big fight that lasts all week. The fight morphs and quickly becomes about who treats who worse. And in this drawn out fight, no one wins. After days of being mad and miserable we will start to move past it, but only until one of us offends the other again. What can we do to break this cycle of offending each other?

Answer:

The root cause of these fights is you both functioning in a fear state where you feel unsafe with each other, and this is making you wear what I call "mistreatment glasses." Mistreatment glasses means you are subconsciously looking for mistreatment and offenses that will prove that you aren't safe with your partner and that they are the "bad one." Whatever you are looking for you will find. If you are looking for mistreatment, you will find it. If you are looking for proof your partner loves you, you will find that too.

Unfortunately, almost all of us feel unsafe in the world (at the subconscious level), and this keeps us on the defensive a lot of the time. When you feel unsafe, your ego steps up to try and protect you. It does this through defensiveness and casting the other person as the bad one. That is why it feels like a win (to your ego) when you can show that your partner treated you worse and you are the victim. But this is really not a win; no one wins when you get offended by small things and always see your partner as the enemy.

Below is a process you can use when someone offends you. Following it will help you step back out of ego to see the situation more accurately and respond more maturely.

Note: In this article I am only addressing how to deal with the garden variety of arguments, not situations that involve abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has information on how to identify the warning signs of abuse and how one can get help.

See the other person's bad behavior accurately

When someone behaves badly or offends you, there are four possible reasons for this behavior. Knowing them will help you accurately access what is happening in each situation. The four reasons people behave badly:
  1. They were oblivious, not paying attention, missed some things, or had inadvertent bad behavior. They didn't mean to disregard you or mistreat you, they were simply not paying attention.
  2. They are dealing with their own fear issues and their behavior is selfishly focused on finding a sense of safety for themselves. This can include seeking validation, showing off, protecting themselves, being jealous, being controlling, etc. It has been my experience that most bad behavior happens for this reason.
  3. They are in a serious fear state where they are feeling defensive, working to protect themselves, and seeing you as a threat. This line of thinking may not be accurate (you are probably not a threat), but in this state you look that way to them and this is all they can see.
  4. They intentionally wanted to hurt you or do you wrong
Which is most likely true in your case? Really think about this and give your partner a little benefit of the doubt, based on the qualities that attracted you to them in the first place. Are they someone who intentionally desires to hurt you? If they are, this may not be a healthy relationship for you to be in. But most of the time, offenses aren't intentional.

If this offense happened for any of the other three reasons, you must step back, stop taking this personally, and choose to not get offended — because it isn't about you. They don't feel safe in the world, and a person who doesn't feel safe has no choice but to focus on finding a sense of safety; they aren't capable of anything else. They may need some professional help to work on their fears around not being good enough and things not being right. So, the negative coping behaviors can be negated.

Be responsible for your response to the offense

You are responsible for your reactions and responses, and this should be your only concern. It is the only thing you have control over and the only thing that matters now. You must choose to respond with love, not fear.

If you get defensive and respond from a fear state, you are now doing the exact same thing the other person did to you. You are demonstrating fear-based bad behavior, and responding badly back is just as bad as responding badly first. It's the same bad behavior driven by the same cause.

Respond to an offense with love

Offenses and your reactions happen fast though, so you will need to practice and prepare ahead of time to be able to remember these steps in the heat of the moment. You might want to read through this procedure daily or replay past offenses that you reacted badly to, running through these steps to see what you should have done.

Procedure for reacting to offenses:
  1. Recognize your angry, defensive, offended, unbalanced emotions when they are triggered.
  2. Recognize the desire to place blame for those emotions on the other person and see them as the bad guy.
  3. Remember the four real reasons people behave badly. Ask yourself: Is this person intentionally trying to hurt you, or could it be one of the other three reasons that aren't about you at all? If it's one of those, you now have two options: Let it go and ignore it (usually the best option), or speak your truth and ask for better treatment, but do it in a loving, validating way.
Procedure for mutually validating conversations:
  1. See the other person as the same as you. They are not the bad one, and you the good one. You are both good and bad, and you have the same intrinsic value all the time. Do not talk down to the other person or attack them in any way. You are no better than they are.
  2. Ask if they would be open to talking about the relationship and how you could both make it better.
  3. Ask how they are feeling about the relationship. Ask if there is anything you do that bothers them, that they would love to have you work on or change. Ask if there is anything you do that bothers or irritates them. Be humble, teachable and willing to make some changes yourself. Be willing to spend time here, really listening and validating their right to feel the way they do. This is the love part of the conversation and this is where you show them that you are committed to showing up for and caring about them.
  4. Explain how you feel about the behavior they have that bothers you, but do so using more "I" statements than "you" statements. Say things like "when this happens, I feel this way ... ," or "To me, it looks and feels this way and I just wondered if you would be willing to do that differently next time that happens?" Focus on the future behavior you want to see, not the past bad behavior that they can't change. Make sure this is not an attack; it is you sharing how you feel when certain things happen and owning your fear issues.
  5. Tell them it would really help you if they would consider changing one thing moving forward. Focus on only one change in this conversation (others can wait for another time).
  6. Repeat the steps 3-5 again if needed. At this point, the other person might have more to say to you or might get defensive. If this happens, go back to step 3 and ask questions and validate their feelings again. Go through steps 3-5 again and again, until you both feel supported, heard and understood.
This article has a lot of steps to follow, which will be hard to remember in the heat of the moment when you get offended. You will need to read this often and do a lot of mental replay after a fight to go back through what happened and see what you could have done differently. That kind of practice really helps, though.

You and your partner may also need some coaching or counseling to work on the underlying fear issues that cause you to feel unsafe with each other. I find most couples who fight a lot need individual coaching to get their subconscious fears under control before they can create a healthy relationship. Always be willing to take this on and work on yourself.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: Allow people you love to be different from you

9/21/2020

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This was first published on ksl.com

SALT LAKE CITY — In this edition of LIFEadvice, Coach Kim shares some tips and tricks to improve your relationships.
​
Question:

My husband feels that when our adult kids come over for Sunday dinner that I act more childlike especially if we are playing some type of game. He thinks adults should never act like children and it bothers him. From my point of view, I work very hard and I enjoy having fun especially with our kids — and since I have to be serious all day at work, it is fun to let up a bit on occasion, but he does not appreciate it. How do I respond to this and what should I do differently? Should I change to please him? Should he want me to change or love me as I am?

Answer:

I have written quite a few times this year about how important it is that we allow others to be different from us. We all have a tendency to think the way we function in the world is the right way, and we subconsciously expect others to be the same and are irritated if they aren’t. This isn’t fair, right or workable in your relationships.

Every person comes with different perspectives, different internal wiring, a unique upbringing, and a different set of past experiences and views. They are, therefore, going to view and do life differently from how you do it. If you cannot allow them (and even honor and respect their right) to be who they are, the relationship is going to be a hard one and may not work.

Here are some tips, tricks, truths and rules of engagement to consider when you run into differences with someone you love:

1. If you have a different way of being that bothers your partner, you need to have a mutually validating conversation about it.

This means a conversation where you listen to their views, thoughts, feelings and concerns, and explore with your partner why the behavior triggers something negative in them. Try to understand why they feel the way they feel and honor and respect their right to feel that way. But this does not necessarily mean you should change the behavior.

2. If someone is unhappy with your behavior, you must ask yourself if you think the behavior is working for you.

Be honest with yourself and willing to see the problems or downsides of the behavior. Be willing to hear the other person's concerns about it and consider changing it. But, if you do this and you authentically like this part of yourself and think it’s working for you, ask them if they would be willing to listen to your feelings about it. Explain why it’s a part of you that is not going to change and that they will have to learn to accept. You could also look for some kind of compromise that might make you both feel honored and respected. But generally, you should not change who you authentically are unless you can see negatives in the behavior and agree that it’s not working for you.

In your specific situation with your childlike side, I tend to think you should honor and validate your partner’s feelings but continue to be you. If it doesn’t feel like a damaging enough or negative behavior that causes any real problems, your partner probably needs to learn to love you are you are.

3. You should always try to let the people you love be their authentic selves.

Allow others to have different views, beliefs, styles, routines and behaviors from yours. Never expect them to be like you. You can expect them to treat you with kindness, respect and love ,of course — and if they don’t, you should definitely talk about that — but personality type differences in behavior should be cherished, laughed at and even celebrated.

4. The key to changing another person’s view, is to be open to changing your life first.

If a person you love has major differences in values or morals, or they have views you really feel are wrong, you can speak your truth about this and even try to educate or change them, but you must do it the right way. You must first be just as willing to listen to their views as you are to talk about your own. You must handle the conversation with respect, seeing them as equal in value (because you aren’t perfect either). If you cannot approach them this way, with humility and respect, they will likely just get defensive and defend their right to be how they are. They will dig in their heels and refuse to change if you aren’t open to changing too.

5. Never assume your way of being is better or right, and others are wrong.

If you want a person to be open to learning and changing, you must be willing to listen and learn from them. You must be open to being wrong and learning something new yourself. This is the only way to encourage openness in them.

6. Be a safe place for each other.

The biggest problem I see in most relationships is that partners don’t feel safe enough to discuss critical issues with each other. They are both too quick to be offended and get defensive. They don’t feel safe with each other because they fear they are going to be made wrong or made to feel they aren’t good enough. The first thing that must change in these relationships is both partners must commit to be a safe place for the other, a place where the other's infinite value will be honored and their self-esteem protected.

7. Loved ones have more power to hurt us and, therefore, we must work twice as hard at being the cure to their fears.

We are all afraid we aren’t good enough and we aren’t safe. These are our deepest, darkest fears. We want, more than anything, to have the people we love most see us as good enough and to feel safe with them. Unfortunately, this sometimes doesn’t happen. The people we love disappoint us, let us down, irritate and offend us, and we in turn get critical and defensive. These fear reactions block our ability to love and cherish these people.

ConclusionIf you want to have healthy, rich, loving relationships, the most important thing you can do is make sure the people you love feel good enough and safe. You can literally be the cure to their core fears, instead of often being the cause. Be careful with criticism. Give lots of validation about everything they do right. Let them know, at the end of the day, they and their self-esteem are safe with you. Make it your No. 1 goal to give validation and reassurance to your partner on a daily basis. This will create a relationship based in love and trust.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: 6 ways to improve your relationship this week

8/31/2020

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This was first published on ksl.com
​
Question:

First, I have to say I love reading your weekly articles. The last few weeks have really resonated with me. My girlfriend and I have been together for about four years. Lately, I find myself really wanting affection, validation, a compliment or to feel wanted by her. She used to do little things for me and tell me nice things all the time. Whenever I try to talk to her about it and ask for what I need, she gets angry and feels like I am criticizing her and she feels like she's not good enough. I don't feel like I am doing this with critical intentions. I feel myself getting passive-aggressive about it and feeling bad that she doesn't do these things. I feel like I can't even talk to her about it or she'll just get mad, so I feel like I just have to accept it as it is or give up on the relationship. Do you have any recommendations?

Answer:

I am going to teach you some tricks for having hard conversations about your relationship, but I will also give you some tips for making the relationship more fulfilling and rich. It is definitely worth trying these things before you give up.

It would be a good exercise for every couple to sit together, read this article and discuss how they can do better in all six areas. Relationships take work; being willing to improve yourself and make changes is critical.

1. Learn more about your partner and how they are wired differently from you

Detailed information on how to learn more about your partner and how he or she is wired can be found in an article I wrote called "The anatomy of your relationship." Once you've done this, make sure you are loving them for who they are and giving them room to be themselves. You are never going to make a task-driven and not very emotional person into an attentive, emotional empath. You will (to some degree) have to learn to love who they really are. This doesn’t mean you can’t bring up offenses or request more loving behavior from them, you just have to do it the right way without attacking them or expecting them to be you. I will explain the right way to do so below.

2. Work on managing your own fear triggers

Your No. 1 job in the relationship is to stay in a trust and love state and be responsible for balanced behavior. When done correctly, this takes so much work and effort that you shouldn’t have much time left for trying to fix your partner.

If you have a hard time getting feedback from your partner and tend to get defensive or feel attacked, you may have a fear-of-failure problem that is hindering your ability to show up with love. You are so worried about not being good enough, you can’t access love for your partner. You may need to get some professional help to manage your fear and become more capable of receiving feedback without feeling attacked. A therapist or coach can make this process easier and faster. Likewise, if you are easily offended, overly critical, or judgmental, you may have a fear-of-loss problem you need to work on. Your partner needs you to own these issues and get to work on becoming a more balanced you.

It is also your partner's No. 1 job to stay in a trust and love state. If he or she is not willing to work on themselves, this might not be the healthy relationship you want to be in. That is something you will have to consider.

3. Have mutually validating conversations about what you both need — every week

Make it a weekly tradition that you find some quiet time (every week at the same day and time works best) and ask each other, "How you are feeling about our relationship and what is one thing I could do to show up for you better?" Then, listen and validate, honor and respect their right to be experiencing things the way they are and feeling how they do. Thank them for being open and honest with you and commit to trying to give what they requested. Then, have them do the same for you. Remember, mutually validating conversations are about listening to understand and better love the other person; they are about giving to each other, not trying to get what you need. If you both go into these conversations with a giving mindset, no one should get offended.



4. Become the cure to your partner's core fear

As you learn more about your partner and their differences, figure out what their biggest core fear trigger is. It will likely be something around being not good enough (fear of failure) or feeling taken from or mistreated (fear of loss). Ask lots of questions and figure out what makes them feel the most unsafe in the relationship. Figure out how you can become the cure to that fear and make them feel safe every single day — as much as you are able to, anyway. Most of their fear work ultimately has to be done by them, but you can help by being a constant source of validation and reassurance. Doing your best to make them feel safe with you is guaranteed to make a difference.

5. Make sure your partner feels admired, appreciated, respected and wanted every day

These four things create really rich relationships. Real love happens best when they are all present. If you love your partner but don’t respect or admire them, it won’t be the kind of love they are really after. If your partner loves you but doesn’t appreciate what you do, you won’t feel very loved. The one thing you have control over in this relationship is what you are giving the other person. Try every single day to say and do something that makes your partner feel admired, appreciated, respected and wanted, and you will be amazed at what you get back.

6. Forgive, give the benefit of the doubt, and be slow to get offended

Below are some things that will help you be more forgiving and less easily offended:
  • Know that every healthy, rich relationship is made of two good forgivers. If one or both of you struggle to forgive slights and are easily offended, this relationship is going to be a hard one. If you hold grudges and struggle to let things go, this is a problem you must work on. Expecting your partner to tick you off less, isn’t the solution. A grudge against another person is your problem to solve.
  • Talk to your partner as an equal. Any two people, who spend lots of time together are going to offend, slight, disrespect and bother each other. It is going to happen. Your ability to give your partner the benefit of the doubt that they don’t intentionally desire to hurt you — and to forgive them when they do — is critical. You can still bring up slights and discuss them, but you have to do that from equal ground acknowledging that you make mistakes and aren’t perfect either. Do not talk down to them like they are the bad one. Talk to them as equals with the exact same value, with respect and appreciation for all they do right, too. You never own the high ground and you must remember that.
  • Understand that when you are struggling to love something about your partner, it often means there is a part of yourself you are struggling to love too. It is our subconscious self-hate that we project onto other people, which makes us bothered with them. The more bothered and offended you get, the more self-love work you must do on and for yourself. You cannot love others except for the way you love yourself. If this concept is hard to get your head around, keep thinking about it. The better you get at forgiving and loving the faults and flaws in your partner, the better you will be at loving yourself. Forgive them because you want to feel compassion and forgiveness for yourself, too.
Discuss these areas with your partner and be willing to get some help and work on yourselves if it would make the relationship healthier.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: How anger is a request for love

6/29/2020

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NOT PUBLISHED ON KSL

​Watching the protests and riots across the country this weekend, I have been reminded of an important truth, which may help us understand anger and what is behind it. The truth is, anger comes from feeling threatened, unsafe, or unloved. When someone is angry or hurt, it is usually because they feel mistreated, taken from, or not cared about on some level. Watching the riots and looting can distract us from hearing what the anger is really about. Protesters are trying to express the pain they feel from long standing systemic racism and they are requesting love and fairness.

Before I explain how we need to listen and understand other people, it is important to understand what racism really is. In the book, White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo, she explains that we have been taught to see racism as "intentional acts of racial discrimination committed by immoral individuals". If you define racism this way, then most of us are not racist. The problem is that socialized racism is much bigger, more widespread, and more ingrained in each of us than this definition covers. An entrenched culture of racism in this country has made a large group of us feel rejected, disrespected, and unloved for a very long time. People of color are trying to tell us that they don’t feel valued, seen, appreciated, cared about, nor safe. They are in a fear state all the time and are tired of expecting mistreatment every time they leave their house. This is something that as a white person, we cannot even begin to understand, but we have to try and we have to listen.

The pain and anguish that people of color feel, includes rejection, inferiority, hate, shame, and anger at not being seen as the precious, infinitely, absolutely, and equally valuable beings they are. They are children of God made in His image, by Him, and of Him, though they rarely feel treated as such. It is important to understand that these angry emotions are a desperate request for love, acceptance, equality, kindness, respect, and brotherhood. The anger is not born of hate, it is born of love, and a hope that the world will finally love them in the way they (and all humans) deserve.

We need to listen and understand what their anger is saying and we need to listen at a deeper level than we are used to going. Most of the time when you listen to another person, you are primarily listening to help you formulate what you are going to say back. Rarely are you open enough to hear, understand, validate, and even change your opinions, based on their thoughts and feelings. Most of the time you don't listen to understand and learn something new. Our ego's are not comfortable with this level of listening, because it opens us up to being wrong.

The time has come for better listening to other people and this means setting down our defensiveness and even be open to attack, guilt, and shame for our ignorance and selfishness (something all white people are guilty of, simply because the problems of racism don’t affect us. We haven’t cared enough to change, because life the way it is, is comfortable for us and doesn't cause us pain.)

Instead of defending ourselves or speaking about our moral views and opinions, we need to stop talking and really listen. We have to look behind their anger so we can understand what drives it. We must also understand that anger, acting out, and lashing out are, at their core, a plea or request for love. We know this because all behavior is either loving or a request for love.

If you will really think about the last time you got really angry, you will see that you also felt unloved, unappreciated, or unvalued at some level. Your anger was a request for love too.

Obviously anger and violence is not the best way to request love, but we all request love this way. When you and I feel unloved or mistreated we lash out too, and the other person we are angry with, often sees our anger as an attack against them. They very rarely can see the bad behavior as a request for love. Nevertheless, that is exactly what it is. I am not going to tell you it is easy to see anger accurately though. It takes wisdom and maturity to see behavior as coming from fear of not being loved (respected or cared for), but we can do it with practice.

Our brothers and sisters of color want us to see them. They want us to see their hearts, their struggles, their pain, worthiness, glory, divinity, goodness, godliness, and worth. They want us to understand no person exists that God did not create. No one exists who is not worthy of respect, honor, and love. When you look at any human being, you must see God in them and you must be open and willing to listen and understand them. You must validate their right to feel mistreated, and remember that you cannot begin to understand what life in their shoes has been like.

So, what can you do?
  1. You can see anger as a request for love and reach out to any and all people of color and let them know you see, love, and appreciate them.
  2. You can give up judgment and stop being critical of others, no matter who they are.
  3. You can see all humans as the same in value and worth, and worthy of respect, kindness, and love, regardless of the ways they may be different from you.
  4. You can use your voice to vote, peacefully protest, stand in solidarity, and speak up whenever you see another human being mistreated.
  5. You can donate to charities that are fighting injustice and fighting for equality.
  6. You can smile, say hello and offer kindness to all you meet.
  7. You can decide to see human value as unchangeable and no aspect of appearance, performance, property or popularity can affect it.
  8. You can educate yourself on the facts about racism and discrimination. You can read books and watch documentaries that broaden your understanding. You can trust others that racism exists even if you don’t see it. You can find books to read, watch documentaries, and actually put time and effort into learning to understand the ways we are all subconsciously racist.
  9. You can apologize for not educating yourself sooner. You can understand that ignorance isn’t innocence, and own that you are more racially biased than you think. You can work on your subconscious racial biases by noticing, watching, and reading materials that help you change it.
  10. You can start caring about what other people are going through. You can refuse to stay in your safe bubble and ignore the suffering of others.
  11. You can remember that people might be different from you and they may be having a very different classroom journey than yours, but they are no less valuable. I believe that differences exist, to challenge us and push the limits of our love. You need people who are different and that challenge you, trigger your fears, and push your buttons. These people become the best teachers in your life, as they show you the limits of your love, so you can work on them.
Take this challenge this week and watch for opportunities to stretch the limits of your love, educate yourself, exercise compassion, and understand and listen to the pain other people are feeling. Humans are only capable of two behaviors, love and the lack of love (which is a request for love). If anyone is showing up without love, you know it is only through love that their wounds can be healed. You have the power to be love in every room, with every person you meet, that is where you can start.

You can do this.
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Coach Kim: Do you feel safe in your relationships?

6/24/2020

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SALT LAKE CITY — Have you noticed the way the coronavirus pandemic is making you feel wary and unsafe around other people?

You may be seeing other humans as a huge threat to your well-being. Though this sensation is especially noticeable right now, this is a tendency of human nature that all of us experience (to a lesser degree) every day, and especially with the people we love most.

As a master life coach, I teach people are haunted by two subconscious fears, the fear of failure (that you are not good enough) and the fear of loss (that you aren’t safe). Every human on the planet is fighting these same two fears/beliefs every day, and this means we all function in a fear state most of the time.

A fear state means you feel generally unsafe in the world, and this feeling makes it seem like every person around you is a threat. These people could take from you, mistreat you, take from the quality of your life, and/or make you feel like a failure, and this is especially true about the people closest to you.

Your relatives, children, and spouse or partner have more power to hurt you more than anyone else. They know your faults and flaws and the shame you have around them. They know how to push your buttons. You also care what they think of you, which means insults or slights can hurt worse than if the same offense happened with a stranger. You are much more prone to take slights from loved ones personally.



Assess your relationship

Feeling unsafe with a family member can be a great obstacle to your happiness. You cannot have a close, rich, fulfilling, intimate relationship with someone you don’t feel safe with. Ask yourself these questions to check the safety level in your relationship:
  • Can you discuss any topic and feel safe from being made fun of?
  • Do you feel safer if you avoid conversation?
  • Can you make mistakes or forget things and know you won’t be ridiculed or teased about them?
  • Do you feel like someone in your life is always on the lookout for mistreatment, so you walk on eggshells trying not to offend them?
  • Do you have a relative who often gets offended or defensive easily and blames you for things you did or didn’t do?
  • Is there an unspoken contest going on between you and a relative to prove who treats who? Is it a subconscious win when you can prove they are worse to you?
  • Do you have to lie on occasion because telling the truth isn’t safe?
  • Do you and a relative make disparaging comments about one another in public or private?
  • Are you quick to be offended or feel wronged by someone in your life? Do you call them out when you feel mistreated? Does this happen often?
If you don’t feel safe in a relationship or are possibly making someone else feel unsafe with you, there are some things you can do — even if you are the only person willing to change. I would also highly recommend you seek out some professional help. A professional can help you heal the trust and love in a relationship much faster than you could on your own.

(Note: The suggestions in this article are for dealing with garden variety unsafe feelings in your relationships, not situations that involve abuse. If you feel unsafe because you experience emotional, mental or physical abuse, you must seek help and not settle for the suggestions below.)

Make changes

Here are some tips for increasing safety in most relationships:
  • Learn to be a cure for the other person’s core fear. Everyone is afraid of both failure and loss, but each person is dominant in one fear. If the person you are struggling with is fear-of-failure dominant, they need lots of validation about their value, gifts and talents. If they are fear-of-loss dominant, they need control and reassurance that they are safe and all will be OK in their world. You cannot fix their core fear (only they can do that), but you can certainly help them by reminding them they are safe.
  • Be a good listener. When you show someone that you can set your feelings aside, be quiet and work on just understanding them, this makes them feel safe with you. Listen to understand, not just to prepare what you are going to say back. Show them you are a safe place to talk through what they are feeling without judgment or shame.
  • Lean on God (or another higher source). Practice choosing to trust that nothing happens that God can't use for your education and growth. Everything that happens to you can serve you in the end. This will make you feel more bulletproof and invulnerable in the world.
  • Understand that when someone is upset with you, it is usually not about you. It is most often about that person’s own fears and insecurities. These are usually insecurities they have had long before you came around, so they must do the work to heal them.
  • When someone is quick to find fault in you, they are probably suffering from a fear they aren’t good enough. If they can cast you as worse, that can temporarily make their ego feel better. When they become angry at you, this usually means they are deeply unhappy with themselves and are projecting their pain onto you. Remember, all bad behavior comes from a person’s fear about himself or herself, and it is sometimes a request for love. Knowing this will help you to have more compassion and less anger.
  • Create a safe place where the important people in your life can make mistakes and apologize. Be willing to forgive offenses and allow others to be imperfect students in the classroom of life because you want permission to be the same. Establish healthy boundaries, but have compassion for mistakes.
You can do this.
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Coach Kim: Is fear making people selfish?

3/16/2020

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First published on KSL.COM

​SALT LAKE CITY — Amid the uncertainty brought about by the coronavirus pandemic and recent Utah earthquake, it is important to understand that fear about our own safety can create selfish behavior.

Humans who are afraid often succumb to a self-preservation mindset, which can make them behave badly. They might even do things like buying up all the available toilet paper and leave none for anyone else, and we are seeing examples of this fear-driven behavior all around us.

Fear makes other people feel like a threat to your safety and well-being (on the subconscious level). This can cause us to see others as the enemy, and we might be quick to judge or criticize them too. Watching this behavior play out all around us helps us to better understand this interesting human tendency and how this behavior might show up in our daily lives, even when there is no emergency.

Every day, we get triggered by fear in all kinds of situations, and this can create selfishness too. As a human behavior expert, I think it might be helpful to understand how and why this happens.

2 core fears

I believe there are two core fears that are responsible for almost all of our bad behavior:
  • The fear of failure (that we might not be good enough)
  • The fear of loss (that we might not be safe).
Fear of loss is obviously the one driving the hoarding of toilet paper, as people are afraid they won’t have what they need and see others as a threat. Fear of loss can also include any experience where you don’t get what you want or are afraid of being mistreated. For example, if you come home and find the kids trashed the house, you will get angry because this is not what you wanted (so it’s a loss). You may also feel taken from (robbed of your time and energy).

Whenever you are having a loss experience like this, your ego will step up to protect you and other people’s needs will become much less important. Whenever you are afraid of being mistreated or stressed that things might go wrong, you experience fear of loss. This fear can also make you distrustful of other people, and you might become controlling as a way to feel safer.

Fear of failure is easier to understand. It is the fear of looking bad, being judged, being criticized or feeling not good enough. Any time you feel insecure, unattractive or stupid, you are having a fear of failure experience.

Which is your biggest core fear?

Both of the two core fears affect you (and every human on the planet) to some degree, every day. We all experience both of them but are each dominant in one. Take a minute and decide which is a bigger issue for you.

Are you more insecure and worried about judgment or criticism from others? A people pleaser? If so, you’re probably fear-of-failure dominant.

Are you more controlling, pushy and critical if things aren’t right around you? If so, you’re probably fear-of-loss dominant.

It is helpful to know which is your core fear because this is the trigger that drives your bad behavior and selfishness.

How fear of failure drives selfishness in relationships

When you are afraid you aren’t good enough, you can become overly needy for validation and reassurance to quiet your insecurity. You may get easily offended by anything that looks or feels like criticism or attack. In this state, your focus won’t be on giving love and validation, it will be on getting the reassurance you need to quiet your fear.

People who suffer greatly from low self-esteem often can’t see the selfishness in their needy behavior. They can’t see that worrying about being accepted is still focused on themselves. They might also make their loved ones feel responsible for their self-esteem and sense of safety in the world, which is unfair and won’t work.

It is impossible to give an insecure person enough validation to make up for their own belief that they aren’t good enough. If your spouse or partner expects you to validate them enough to cure their fear of failure, they are setting you up to fail. If you are in a relationship with someone who is overly insecure, this might also start to feel like a great burden to carry; you may even start to resent them for being so needy.

If this kind of selfishness shows up in your relationship, work on changing your belief that a human can be "not good enough." You would benefit most from some coaching on changing your beliefs on how human value is determined and on seeing all humans as having unchangeable value all the time. This is the only way to quiet the fear.

You must trust that you have the same value as everyone else on the planet, no matter what you do. When a person gets committed to this new belief, they should be less needy and have more love to give.

How fear of loss drives selfishness in relationships

When you are afraid you aren’t safe in the world, every situation and every person can feel like a threat to your safety. You may become overly controlling, opinionated and/or dominating as a way to make the world feel safer. If you can make or force everything to be right, and you are always right about everything, you would feel safer.

This behavior can look like you always need things done your way, that you’re constantly on the lookout for mistreatment, and you’re struggling to put up with behavior that bothers you.

If you are in a relationship with a person whose fear creates this kind of behavior, you might feel like you’re walking on eggshells trying not to offend them. Everything in the relationship is centered on keeping them happy. This also wears on relationships and can push people away from you.

If this kind of selfishness shows up in your relationship, what is really needed is to work on changing your belief that your journey can be ruined or diminished by other people. Play with the idea that God and/or the universe are working with the choices we all make to create the perfect classroom journey for each of us, every day. See how it feels if you believe that everything you experience is here to bless you, serve you and help you grow.

If everything is a blessing, then there is no loss. It is a radical idea, but just as likely true as believing in chaos. When you see the world as on your side and safe, you will have more love for others and bandwidth for making them happy too.

Grow and serve

During this season of pandemics and earthquakes, we can all benefit from trusting that our value can’t change, failure isn’t on the table, and that the universe is sending this experience to grow us and serve us. When we trust we are safe — that there is order, meaning and purpose in these unusual experiences — we will be more capable of thinking about others, and our selfishness should decrease.

Even though hoarding toilet paper made you (your ego) feel safer, reaching out to your neighbors to see if they need any toilet paper would make you feel even better. Love is more rewarding than safety.

You can do this.
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    These articles were originally published on KSL.COM

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    Kimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC.  She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio.

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