If you want to have a happy and successful life, you must be good at relationships. The core issue that determines the quality of your relationships is your ability to communicate.

If I could recommend one change this year (that would change everything else), it would be to improve the quality of your communication with others. If you could learn to communicate with love, making others feel respected and honored in every conversation, you would change your relationships in a profound way and you would have a better marriage, better friendships and do better at work.

Here are nine suggestions for improving your communication.

1. Don’t be afraid to communicate. You might be leaving important things unsaid because you are afraid of confrontation, hurting another person’s feelings, or losing love or respect. You may think it’s safer not to talk too much. The problem is, not communicating enough will damage your relationships. You must learn how to communicate your thoughts and feelings instead of stuffing them. The suggestions in this article can help you learn how to communicate in a way that won’t create as much confrontation, hurt or loss. You may want to practice by visualizing yourself having conversations following these guidelines.

2. Check yourself to make sure you are seeing the situation accurately before you talk to someone about it.

• Make sure you are seeing the other person as the same as you. This means you are not seeing them as better than you or worse than you. You are seeing them as a scared, struggling, amazing, divine human being, just like you.
• Are you seeing yourself and your behavior accurately? You may be overlooking the ways you are contributing to the problem. Ask yourself: What you are afraid of? Is that fear causing selfish, immature or fear-based behavior?
• Are you in a place of trust and love, where you can focus on loving and validating the other person? Or are you overly focused on your own needs? What does the other person need? When you can accurately see both, you are ready to talk about it.

3. Set your thoughts and feelings aside up front. In each conversation, if you will focus on the other person and make them feel heard, understood and valued first, they will then be more open to hearing, understanding and valuing you. It can be difficult to set aside your feelings and opinions, but you are a mature, wise, loving adult and you can do it. After you listen to the other person you can ask permission to share your feelings.

4. Be a master question asker. Before you say anything, ask more questions. You will be amazed at what you learn. You will also make people feel valued. Listening to someone is the deepest way you can show them you value who they are.

5. Be a dedicated listener. Listen more than you talk in each conversation. Be an active listener, repeat things back and keep eye contact the whole time. It’s insulting when you are looking around the room (or at your phone) while you’re supposed to be listening to someone. Do not agree or disagree with them at this point.

6. Validate what people say. This does not mean you agree with them. It means you honor and respect their right to think and feel the way they do. When you validate their right to have their perspective (as wrong as it may be), you make them feel valued and you create relationships of trust. When a person feels validated, honored and respected, they become more cooperative, open and respectful toward you. Always ask questions, listen and validate before going to step No. 7.

7. Ask permission questions before you say anything. Before you give advice, share your opinion or tell someone what you think, ask them if they would be open to hearing your thoughts. This is a powerful way to show the other person that you honor and respect them. You may want to ask a series of permission questions, such as:

• Do you know how much I love and respect you?
• Do you know that I only want the best for you?
• Would you be open to letting me give you some feedback on your behavior, even if it’s hard to hear?
• Would you be willing to give me a few minutes to explain the whole thing before you respond?

You must get permission before you continue. If they say no, you must respect that. Honoring their answer will create trust and next time they will say yes.

8. Use more “I” statements than “you” statements. When you use “you” statements, the other person will feel judged, criticized and blamed. This will create defensiveness and the conversation won’t go well. Using “I” statements means you are speaking about the only part of this situation you know anything about — your part.

9. Focus on the future. Focusing on past behavior, which the other person cannot fix or change, creates frustration, defensiveness and may encourage the other person to attack you. Instead, ask the person if they would be willing to behave differently in the future (don’t even bring up the past). Ask them if, moving forward, they would be willing to treat your differently. This they have control over.

Changing the way you communicate is not easy, but it will be worth the effort. Just make sure every person you talk to feels heard and validated, and ask permission before sharing your thoughts and your relationships will thrive.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

The mass shooting Friday at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Conn., shocked us all. The unbelievable reality of 20 young children being killed, 10 days before Christmas, is almost more than adults can process. So parents must be very careful how much young children are exposed to this event.

The effects from this shooting, the nation's second deadliest, will be far-reaching. As a mother as well as a life coach, with firsthand experience with violence and threats toward children, I know it will take time and work to regain a sense of safety.

Some suggestions can guide you as you help your children process their fear.

• Don't let young children watch the news now. There is no good reason to expose them to this event. It would be better to leave them uninformed, if possible, and keep their sense of safety at school intact. (I suggest this rule: if your child still believes in Santa, he or she is too young to process this event.)
• If your child hears about the news (which he probably will), be there and take time to listen. Listen more than you talk and be ready to answer questions in an honest but simple manner. Empathetic listening is what your child needs most at this time.
• Never dismiss or ridicule their fears. If children are scared at night, scared to go to school, wet the bed or become afraid to go outside, don't make fun of their fears. Let them know that everyone experiences fear and it's perfectly normal. Take time to talk about how they feel. Validating their fears, instead of dismissing them, will foster self-esteem as they grow.
• Talk to children about how to respond in an emergency. It is smart to be prepared and practice what to do in earthquakes, fires and shootings. Having these discussions should make your child feel safer. They should give your child confidence and make him or her feel strong and smart. There are things he can do to protect himself.
• Talk about how rare these events actually are. Millions of children go to school every day (and have for centuries), and only a few have been hurt at school. The odds of your child being hurt there are extremely small. School is still a safe place for kids.
• It's OK to feel scared, but we can't let our fear stop us from living, or we let the bad guys win. If your child is scared to go to school Monday, this concept is one you might want to discuss. We cannot let bad people stop us from living our lives. You can empower children to fight back against senseless violence with bravery and kindness. We won't let one bad person ruin school for the rest of us.
• Talk to children about your personal spiritual beliefs. Often, trust in a higher power can bring comfort and a feeling of protection. Talk to your child about what it means to trust God and life. Teach children to understand the nature of life (according to your beliefs) and that life is a safe endeavor in spite of the difficulties. No matter what happens we are still OK.
• Hold them close and appreciate them more than you ever have.

This is a holiday season we won't soon forget. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought-after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

The holiday season isn’t very fun at my house because my spouse and I aren’t getting along. It’s hard to enjoy the season when this most important relationship is not right. Do you have any advice for healing the problems between us?

Answer:

I do have a suggestion — forgive.

You can change this situation right now by taking responsibility for the problem and saying sorry. Though the fault rests on both your shoulders equally, someone must let go of their need to be right and forgive first — and it’s probably going to have to be you.

This is not easy, though, and your ego will not want to do it.

Here are some suggestions that might make forgiveness easier. Forgiveness is easier when you: see yourself and your spouse accurately, see your spouse as the same as you, and choose love over everything else.

1. The first step is to make sure you can see yourself and your spouse accurately. You may not be seeing the situation accurately because your perspective is skewed by your fear you aren’t good enough or loved. This fear encourages you to take things personally and see offenses in everything. As long as you’re afraid you aren’t good enough, you will continue to have problems. Your must recognize the fear you are both experiencing.

Here are four principles of truth about human behavior that might bring some clarity:

• You and your spouse are both scared you aren’t good enough or aren’t loved.
• This fear is driving most of your bad behavior.
• Their bad behavior is about their fears about themselves.
• This means, their bad behavior is really a request for love and validation.

When you see their bad behavior accurately, for what it really is (fear) it makes forgiveness easier. Even when you feel attacked, remember it's not about you. It's a request for love.

2. The second step is to make sure you are seeing your spouse as the same as you. You have a tendency to see your spouse as the bad guy and see yourself as the good guy or the victim. You may have created a story to support this idea and you may be committed to being right about it, even if it’s not true. As long as your ego is stuck here you will never resolve this. You must see your spouse as the same as you.

Here are some principles of truth about your value:

• You and your spouse have the same value and that value is infinite and absolute. Your value isn't on the line here. You are both here, in the classroom of life, to learn and grow. You are both going to make mistakes in that process.
• There are no good guys and bad guys here. There are just two struggling, scared, divine, and amazing human beings, who both make mistakes and hurt each other on occasion.
• You may make different mistakes, but you are both imperfect and neither can cast the first stone. It doesn’t matter who was unkind first — if you were unkind second, you were still unkind. You are still the same.
• If you are accusing your spouse of not caring about you, you are not, in that moment, caring about them either. Your focus is on you.
• You are both human beings in process. This problem between you is here to teach you a lesson and facilitate your growth.

If you are having trouble seeing your spouse as the same as you, there is a worksheet here online which might help you to gain clarity around this.

3. Choose love over everything else. In every moment, in every situation, you have only two choices as far as your mindset and your response.

You can choose fear and pride — focusing on your own needs, protecting and promoting you. If you choose this, you will trigger fear and pride in your spouse and force them to focus on their needs and protecting themselves, too.

Or you can set your needs aside and choose love. To do this, ask yourself these questions:

• “What is my spouse afraid of?”
• "What does he or she really need in this moment?”
• “How can I give my spouse what he or she needs?”
• “If I choose to give and love, what will the results be?”

You will make this choice because there is no issue more important than love and forgiveness.

There are some situations — like with abuse — when you must protect yourself. Though I am not addressing those in this article. This article is for people who have garden-variety hurts and offenses, which are forgivable and fixable with some clarity and love.

Forgiveness means you allow your spouse to be imperfect and learning, because you’re imperfect and learning, too. This does not mean you should allow abusive behavior to go on. You should speak up and ask to be treated with love and respect, but you must do this from a place of love and accuracy, seeing them as the same as you, not from a place of fear, ego and blame.

If you are still having trouble with forgiveness, I strongly recommend you get some professional help. Learning some relationship skills can make a huge difference. I also recommend getting help at the first sign of resentment in your marriage, not waiting for the problems to get bigger.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

I enjoyed reading your article “Surviving the Family Holiday Party” and am using the Principles of Truth points in my life. I am an elementary school principal and have been thinking that it would be very good for kids to learn these points. I was wondering if you would word the points differently for kids and share the kids’ points with me. Thank you for your time and the articles you share with all of us.

Answer:

There are many things you can do to help build confidence in kids. One of the most powerful ways to instill confidence in children is simply be listening to them. When you take time to listen to a child's thoughts, feelings and ideas, you are showing him he is an important person.

Below are some principles you could also discuss with children to build a solid foundation of healthy thinking while they are young. This would be a fantastic tool for parents and teachers.

I recommend taking one point each week and having a discussion with the children in your class, or family, about what it means. Let them share their ideas about it and discuss why it is true. Then, repeat the point out loud together every day for a week before moving on to the next one.

There is also a PDF with these points available online that you can download.

If children are taught to see themselves and other people accurately, this will benefit them throughout their lives. Their core fear is that they aren't good enough — this is your core fear, too. These principles give you the power to overcome that fear by claiming the right to choose how you will see yourself.

Principles of truth can help me escape fear and remember who I am.

• I am a unique, amazing, superhero kind of person. There will never be another me. I am the one who will decide how I will feel about myself. I am my goodness, my character, my talents and my kindness. This is who I am.

• What other people think of me doesn’t matter. If they say mean things about me, it doesn’t change my value. I am still the same me. I can ignore mean comments because I am a good and important person, and nothing will ever change that. I know who I am.

• My value comes from the fact that I am unique. I don’t waste time comparing myself to other people. I am the perfect me and they are the perfect them. Our differences make us both amazing.

• My life is a classroom and I am here to learn and grow. Every experience I have teaches me something. I am right on track in my process of learning. I am doing great.

• If I make a mistake, I apologize and work to do better in the future. I am still a good person. It was just a lesson.

• No one is better or worse than anyone else. We all have the same value. I choose to see every person as the same as me.

• I never gossip, criticize or judge other people. We are all doing the best we can with what we know. We are all learning and growing. I can forgive others.

• I am here to help other people. I am always looking for people who need help or friendship. I am a friend to all. I have the power to treat people with love and kindness, even when they don’t deserve it. I do this because I am a kind person.

• I choose my attitude in each situation. I can choose to feel bad about myself and scared. Or I can choose to feel like a superhero — strong, safe and loving. I choose a positive attitude every time.

• I choose to feel strong, safe and loving. I believe in myself. I have everything I need to succeed in life. I am the amazing me.

I hope this is what you had in mind. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

I am, admittedly, a drama queen. I know I overreact to things and am even prone to temper tantrum-like behavior. I get offended a lot and am always mad, sad or upset. Can you give me advice that would help me stop making things bigger than they really are? I am starting to see these same tendencies in my kids and I’d really like to teach them to handle things better.

Answer:

You can calm yourself down in the moment to avoid drama-queen tendencies. Below are some questions to ask yourself when things go wrong. You can teach your children to ask themselves these questions too:

• How big a deal with this be 10 years from now? Step back from this problem and try to get a long-term perspective on it. Chances are it feels bigger than it really is.

• Am I taking this more personally than I have to? Most people behave badly when they are scared for themselves. They are scared they are not good enough or they are afraid of loss. These fears drive most of their behavior. Is this other person experiencing these fears and is that fear driving their behavior? If so, it’s not really about me. I can choose to let it go.

• Is my fear of not being good enough in the way? This fear makes me think everything is about me when it really isn’t. It makes me blow problems out of proportion and it makes me get offended by things that really can’t hurt me. Am I applying my fear to this situation unnecessarily?

• Do I remember nothing can diminish me? My value is infinite and absolute. I am the same regardless of what others think. I cannot be wounded without my participation. I can choose to see myself as bulletproof. I could decide to let this offense bounce off. Even if I choose to address this offense, I will do so with the understanding that my value was never on the line.

• Do I realize I get to choose how I will experience each situation? I can choose to be hurt and offended if I want to. I can create all kinds of unnecessary drama and gossip around this offense. I can use it to cast the other person as the bad guy so I can feel superior. I could use it to play the victim and get sympathy love, but if I choose this, people will lose respect for me and I will be giving away my power. I will not allow circumstances or other people to dictate my emotions or behavior. I have the power to choose how I will feel and respond. I choose joy, love, and peace because it makes me feel better about myself.

• Am I seeing this person or people as the same as me? Fear of not being good enough makes me see other people as better than me or worse than me. This mindset creates unnecessary drama, self-pity and conflict. In reality, we are all the same. We all have the same value. We are all struggling, scared, divine, amazing human beings in process. We are all students in the classroom of life and we are all afraid we aren’t good enough. I choose to see other people as the same as me. I know I'm imperfect too, so I can’t cast the first stone. When I see this situation accurately, I can respond with love, compassion and wisdom.

• What does this person really want and need? What is the underlying cause of their behavior? Most people behave badly because they desperately need love, attention or validation. Bad behavior is not a good way to request love, attention and validation — but this person does not know a better way. When other people are behaving badly I can give them love, attention or validation. It won't be easy, but I can do it.

• Do I realize there are times when a person’s bad behavior needs to be addressed? I will talk to them in a strong, loving and validating way. I will set aside my need to be right, superior or angry. I will focus on my love for them and my desire to have a good relationship. I will listen to how they feel and what they think first. I will honor and respect their right to feel the way they do. I will not disagree or criticize them. After I have listened to them, I will ask permission to share my feelings. I will use “I” statements not “you” statements and I will focus on the future behavior I’d like to see, not on their past behavior (which they cannot change). I will ask them if, in the future, they would be willing to behave differently.

I choose to see myself and other people accurately and keep problems in perspective. I treat people with respect and love and this makes me feel peaceful, powerful and free. I choose mature, strong, loving behavior in every situation.

If you still have a hard time finding a clear perspective and calming yourself down, you may want to find a counselor or coach to help you. A little professional help can make a big difference.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.