Question:

What should I do with the people in my family that have hurt me over and over again? I have finally put my foot down and I am refusing to go to the family holiday party because a certain member of the family will be there. This person is a bully and the rest of the family justifies the behavior saying they have always been this way and not to take it personally, which is hard not to do. Do you have any advice for me?

Answer:

For many people, family gatherings are a huge source of tension, but you can attend that party and even enjoy yourself, if you get a healthy mindset first.

Read the following points every day for week before the party. Principles of truth, like these, can give you peace and clarity in any situation.

• I am a unique, irreplaceable, incomparable soul. My value is infinite and absolute and nothing anyone thinks or says about me can change it. I know who I am. I am not a perfect person, but I’m right on track in my perfect process of growth and learning. My value isn’t on the line here. I am a student in the classroom of life, but I am bulletproof and no one can diminish me without my permission.

• I am the one who will decide how I will value myself. I will not give that power away to anyone else. What “they” think of me doesn’t matter at all. I am the same me either way. They can think I’m a horrible person, they can say terrible things about me — but I know who I am.

• If I make mistakes, I will own them, apologize and focus on better behavior in the future. I won’t beat myself up for mistakes because they are just lessons, and they are helping me become a better me.

• Everyone is afraid they aren’t good enough. This fear makes people behave badly. Sometimes this fear makes them create stories that cast me as the bad guy, so they can feel better about themselves. Just because they believe these stories doesn’t make them true. I can ignore these stories completely. It doesn’t matter what they believe. I am the same me.

• Fear and insecurity create all kinds of bad behavior. Fear makes people brag, boast, criticize and judge. People do these things because they are scared about their own value. This is immature behavior, but I don’t let it hurt me. No one can hurt me without my participation. I can refuse to be hurt. I can let everything bounce off.

• I don’t take anything personally. When other people behave badly, it’s not about me. It’s about their fears about themselves. Since it’s not about me, it’s easy to ignore. Even when their behavior feels like an attack, I know it’s really a request for love. I choose to take the high road and treat them with love and respect anyway. I don’t do this because they deserve it, I do this because it’s the kind of person I’ve decided to be.

• Most bad behavior is a request for love. I recognize this and give people validation and attention whenever I can. I spend my time asking questions and listening to other people to show them I care about them. Listening to them is the deepest way to show another person they are valued. I spend more time giving this gift to others than I do worrying about myself.

• I do not have to participate in negative, hurtful or destructive conversations. I can remove myself or change the subject. I can guide conversations by asking more productive questions. I can also remove myself physically from the room.

• There are times when it might make sense to defend myself (from a place of strength and love), but most of the time I just ignore bad behavior. I see it for what it is and refuse to give it power. When I feel it’s appropriate to address bad behavior, I handle it with love and respect, seeing the other person as the same as me. I will not cast blame and accuse. Instead, I will focus on the behavior I would appreciate in the future.

• No matter what goes on around me, I get to choose my inner state. I have the power to choose how I will feel in each moment. There are only two choices, so this decision is simple. I can either choose a state of fear, where I feel insecure, uncomfortable, inferior or unsafe, or I can choose a state of optimism, trust and love. I choose optimism, trust and love.

• I feel safe because I trust the process of life. I choose to believe that good things are coming my way and I choose a hopeful, positive mindset about life (when I do this, more good things tend to happen). I choose to love people everywhere I go. I choose to be a giver of validation and always focus on making others feel valued. When I do these things and focus on these truths, I feel fantastic.

Try reading this often, I promise it will help. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a life coach and speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

What’s the difference between truly forgiving and just sweeping your feelings under the rug? My angry feelings show back up whenever I have to face or talk to people who have injured me. How can I get past this stage and truly forgive and forget, and care about them again?

Answer:

Albert Einstein said, “Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.”

You aren’t moving past this offense because you are still looking at it the same way you were when you got offended. Nothing will change until you can shift your perspective and look at the incident more clearly. When you see yourself, the other person and the situaiton accurately, forgiving gets easier.

So the question is, how can you look at this situation more accurately?

Get out some paper and and a pen. Go through the following steps, writing down how each could change your perspective on this specific situation.

1. Are you seeing yourself accurately?

Do you realize that your value is infinite and absolute?

Your value comes from the fact that you are an amazing, divine, one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable soul. So, your value doesn’t change and you cannot be diminished. No matter what someone else does or says about you, you are the same you.

No offense can hurt you without your permission. If you know who you are, and refuse to be hurt, attacks could bounce off.

Holding onto anger, hurt and angst doesn't do you any good. It doesn't punish the other person, it doesn't protect you and it doesn't make you feel better.

Choosing to forgive makes you feel better. You feel strong, mature and wise when you love people who don't deserve it. (That doesn't mean you trust this person again; it just means choosing to love them, in their flaws, because it's better for you.)

2. Are you seeing the other person accurately?

Like all of us, the person who hurt you is afraid he isn't good enough. This fear creates our immature, selfish, unkind behavior. This fear keeps you focused on your own needs and prevents you from loving other people.

Can you see this fear (of not being good enough) in the person who offended you? Can you see that this fear drives 90 percent of his behavior?

Can you see that this person is desperately in need of validation, and he might cast other people as the bad guy so he can feel superior? Can you see that in this situation?

Most people are doing the best they can with what they know at the time. The problem is they don’t know much, so their behavior is lacking. Most people are not out to hurt you and they don’t have evil intentions. They are probably intending to be a good person, they just get afraid and behave badly at times. Can you see this behavior behind the intentions of the person who hurt you?

(There are some people who are evil and intend to hurt others, but they are rare. If you encounter this type of person you must see him accurately and understand he isn't capable of better behavior and it isn't about you.)

3. Can you see this situation accurately?

Do you understand that life is a classroom, and this person is in your life to teach you something?

The people who hurt you are important teachers because they give you a beautiful opportunity to step it up and be more mature, loving and wise. This situation might be giving you a chance to step back and gain a more mature mindset or overcome your fears. What could this situation be here to teach you?

This situation is also showing you things about yourself. It might be showing you how strong your own fear (of not being good enough or approved of) is.

This other person might be serving as a mirror for you, to show you things about yourself you need to see. Make a list of this person's faults. Then take each statement and flip it so it’s now about you. "He doesn’t care about my feelings," will become, "I don’t care about his feelings."

Be honest with yourself: Is there ever a time this is true?

You can trust this process of life beacuse it is not here to beat you. It is a divine process, created for your benefit and learning. Your life — and every situation in it — is here to help you become a better person. You can rest assured that you are right where you are supposed to be on that journey, and this situation is your next perfect chance to grow.

When you can see yourself, the other person and this situation accurately, it will change how you experience this offense and it will be easier to forgive. When you see the other person accurately, you will have more understanding of where they are and why they behave badly.

If you still can’t forgive, you are probably stuck in your own fear.

You may need to do a little work with a counselor or coach to help you overcome your own self-esteem issues. Your fear (of not being good enough) might be keeping you in this defensive, protective, angry mindset. If you improve your own self-esteem first, forgiving will get easier.

Hope this helps! 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

My friend thinks that I have trust issues. Apparently I have walls up and don’t let people in. I admit that I’m not quick to be vulnerable and I don’t open up to people, but is this really a problem? I’ve been burned too many times by people who only care about themselves. Is there anything wrong with being cautious?

Answer:

Yes, I'm afraid there is. Having a fear-based attitude towards people can create problems. You are not alone in wanting to protect yourself though. Most of us have some trust issues when it comes to feeling safe around other people.

The problem is that distrust can create the following consequences:

1 — People won’t trust you either. Let me explain why. Distrust is fear and fear is a selfish place, where your focus is on you. When people feel your distrust they subconsciously sense that you are only worried about yourself, and therefore, are not worried about them. So, they don’t feel safe with you. There are all kinds of consequences when people don't trust you.

2 -- People will sense your fear (even if it shows up as defensiveness it’s still fear) and they will lose respect for you. Fear in any form is perceived as weakness and weakness is not respected. Real strength (that comes from a place of trust and love) is what earns respect.

3 — You will create antagonism in your relationships. When you are focused on protecting yourself all the time, it triggers the other person to focus on protecting their self. In this state, no one is giving any love and the relationship will self-destruct. You can’t build healthy relationships when you’re in fear. Love and respect can’t happen there.

4 — Distrust creates (and is caused by) self-esteem issues. Most of the time, distrust is your way of rejecting others, before they can reject you. You aren’t rejecting them because they are unworthy though, you are rejecting them because you’re afraid of being rejected and found unworthy yourself. Your own fears of not being good enough are the problem. When you understand your value is infinite and absolute, and you are in no danger of being diminished, there is nothing to fear in other people.

The real problem isn’t that you don’t trust other people. The real issue is that you don’t trust your value and you don’t have the confidence you need to protect yourself in love and strength, by speaking up to those who would mistreat you in the moment. Your fear (lack of confidence) is what makes you vulnerable — not the bad in other people.

Here are three ways you can fix your trust issues and gain real strength:

1 — Work on your self-esteem and value yourself accurately. You get to decide how you will value yourself. That’s why it’s called self-esteem. It’s about how you (self) values you.

You can choose to see yourself as bulletproof and good enough because your value is actually infinite and absolute. Your value comes from the fact that you are a divine, amazing, irreplaceable, incomparable soul and nothing can diminish you.

You can also choose to see life as a classroom, not a testing center, where your value isn’t on the line. If you see yourself this way, no situation can diminish you either. You will feel bulletproof all the time, and let most mistreatment bounce off you. It can’t hurt you without your permission.

2— Learn how to speak your truth with strength and love, in the moment. There are times you will need to speak up in your defense, but you don’t have to do it from a place of defensiveness. Because you cannot be diminished, there is nothing to defend or fear. So, you can talk to people about mistreatment with strength and love at the same time. In this place you are not making them the bad guy nor attacking them back (there is no need for that). You can confidently and respectfully ask for better treatment while honoring and respecting where they are, in their unique classroom journey. Read How to say what you mean without being mean on ksl.com, to learn more.

3 -- Be fearless through trust and love. The dictionary defines trust as: instinctive, unquestioning belief and reliance upon something. You obviously cannot unquestioningly trust or rely on other people. They will inevitably disappoint you, but you can unquestioningly trust in your value and your journey. You can trust that every situation is in your life to teach you something and help you grow. You can trust that your value is infinite and absolute. Trusting in yourself, your value, and your journey will take the fear out of most situations.

Then, you can choose love. You can decide to give people the benefit of the doubt and trust the best in them, while being the best you. If you reject people (by not trusting them) because you are afraid they will reject you. You are actually doing the very thing, you were afraid they would do to you. Think about it.

This is the bottom line — What do you want? Do you want relationships of mutual trust and respect, where both parties feel safe? Do you want people to give you the benefit of the doubt and trust your goodness? Then you are going to have to open up and trust them first.

This doesn’t mean you’re going to leave your doors unlocked or put yourself in harms way. It means you’re going to live from a place of wisdom and love, instead of fear.

You usually get what you give in this world, so, when you put out love and respect you usually get it back. Be wise but not scared. Be loving and strong instead of distrustful, and people will respect you and treat you better.

Hope this helps 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

I’m concerned about our nation in the wake of this election. Our country is in trouble and I don’t have much confidence in this president to fix things. There is a dark cloud of discouragement and sadness hanging over me in regards to our future. I foresee more stalemates in congress and more debt. Do you have any advice on changing how negatively I feel about the president, the people in the other party and the next four years?

Answer:

Many Mitt Romney supporters are feeling a post-election depression this week. It may even feel like the solid ground they were standing on has been pulled out from under them.

To repair this and escape the depression you are feeling, you must find some new solid ground, escape fear and choose trust and love.

The negative campaign ads are to partly to blame for the fear you are experiencing. The campaigns purposely encouraged suspicion and distrust toward the other party. The people behind these ads wanted you to feel threatened and scared about “the other guy” and his ideas.

The problem is, if we continue on this course of fearing each other, we won’t be able to come together and create the brighter future we all desire. Healing this division in our country must start with each of us changing the way we think about the people on the other side.

If we want Congress and the president to reach across the aisle and heal the nation, we must first reach across the street and heal the animosity we feel toward our neighbors with “the other guys'” signs in their yard. We must stop casting them as the bad guys.

It may be helpful to understand why we do this. We, as human beings, have an innate tendency to make other people out to be the bad guys so we can feel like the good guys. This tendency is responsible for most of the conflicts we have.

Whenever there is a group of people we don’t understand (be it for differences in race, religion or ideology) we experience fear about them and we subconsciously cast them as the bad guys.

The campaign ads have used this tendency against us. They also played off your fear of loss and your fear of safety, which are the core fears that drive your behavior.

We do most of what we do because we are afraid of losing what we have — afraid of failing, being taken from, being rejected or just not being good enough, safe or secure. What we want, more than anything, is to feel safe.

The campaigns understood this fear and wanted you to see “the other guy” as a threat to your safety. They have encouraged you to fear this person and everyone who supports him. They have encouraged you to see your fellow Americans as the enemy.

They aren’t the enemy.

Now, that this election is over, it’s time to heal this divide. It's time to focus on what we have in common. It is also time to understand where a feeling of safety really comes from and choose trust and love over fear.

Here are three ways you can change your mindset and feel better:

1. Choose to see other people as the same as you.

There is no way “the other guy” is as bad or evil as the campaign has painted him. He may think differently than you do, but he is not a bad person.

The people in the opposing party who support “the other guy” are inherently good and loving people, too.They have different opinions because they’ve had different life experiences, but in many ways they are the same as you.

They are scared, struggling, amazing, divine human beings doing the best they can with what they know at the time, and they desire safety and success as much as you do. Just because they don’t see the world the way you do — and maybe can’t see it the way you do — doesn’t make them bad people.

When you choose to see them as the same as you, it will take some of the fear out of this situation.

Let’s focus on the ways we are the same. We all want a prosperous nation and more good jobs. We all want a strong nation guided by hope, liberty and true principles. We all want to help the less fortunate and those in need. We all want to get out of debt and provide a more secure future for our children. We all want a government that’s for the people and by the people. We all value freedom and love our country.

If we could set aside the differences and focus on what we have in common, we could unite ourselves and once again be the United States of America instead of the Divided.

2. Choose trust instead of fear:

Remember, your desire to feel safe is behind your feelings of fear. You were hoping that by electing the candidate you trusted most, you would feel safe. When that didn’t happen, your fear got bigger.

The problem is, a feeling of safety doesn’t come from having a certain candidate in office. A feeling of safety comes from choosing to trust that things will be OK.

Choosing trust, hope and optimism makes you feel safe. That is why courageous people can feel safe even in dangerous situations.

It doesn’t matter to which religion you belong, or even if you have one; everyone can choose to trust that a higher power is in charge, or you can trust the universe, life and the American spirit. You can trust the drive, ingenuity and creativity of the American people. You can choose to trust that good people, committed to true principles, can create good outcomes. You can choose to trust that things will be OK if we keep working to turn them around.

Even when things go wrong, you can trust there’s a reason why things went the way they went, and choose to trust and feel safe anyway.

Trust is a choice you can make any time you want, and it's a good choice because the only other choice is fear — and fear does you no good.

This is the bottom line: The future is unknown. Things could get better or things could get worse, but standing in this moment you only have two choices: You can choose to trust things will be OK or you can choose to be afraid.

Your choice will not affect what happens in the future; t will be what it will be. But your choice will greatly affect the quality of your life today.

It will affect your relationships and the way you interact with other people. It will affect your ability to focus and work effectively. Fear (if you choose to embrace it) will skew the way you see your life, and your negative energy may attract more problems.

I recommend choosing trust, hope and optimism, even though things didn't turn out the way you hoped.

3. Choose love instead of fear. 

Discouragement, depression and fear are very selfish emotions because they are all focused on you. You can escape these fearful emotions by focusing on your love instead.

You can choose to focus on your love for the people in your home, community and country. You can choose to love and support the leaders your community elected and pray for them. You can make the most of what you do have, and get out there and make a difference in the lives of those around you. Everywhere you go, you can validate and edify others and be a force for love in the world.

Or you can embrace fear, suspicion and resentment because "your guy" lost. You can fear the future and focus on protecting yourself from the bad guys around you. You can live with election depression or you can refuse to embrace it.

It’s up to you.

Abraham Lincoln served as president during another time when this nation was fiercely divided. He said, “With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation’s wounds.”

It’s time to bind up the wounds this election caused and join together to create the change we all want.

It’s not easy to choose a positive mindset when you’re disappointed, but you have to do it anyway — because the only other alternative is fear, and fear won’t fix anything.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

I struggle with self-esteem because of my weight. In this world, heavy people are less valuable than thin people. That’s just how it is. Do you have any advice that would make me feel better about myself despite being overweight?

Answer:

It may be true that “the world” values thin people more than overweight people, but that doesn’t mean you have to. You have the power to decide how you will value yourself. You have the power to choose your self-esteem.

Everytime I say that on KSL though, someone disagrees with me and says it’s not that easy, that they can't just choose to feel better. So I want to set the record straight on this — you're right, it's not that easy, but it is the only thing that works, and you must do it if you want to feel better. You must take control of your thinking.

The power to choose your attitude and state of mind is the one power no one can take from you. We learned this from Victor Frankl during World War II.

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances."

You can deny that you have this power (and many people do) but no one can take it from you. If you let the way other people value you affect how you value yourself, it is your fault, because you don’t have to.

You can reclaim the power to value yourself accurately for who you really are, instead of just how you look. You can choose to love yourself exactly as you are right now and reject false standards of worth. You can replace limiting beliefs with principles of truth. Some of these principles are below in bold.

Your waist size doesn’t have anything to do with who you are, and it definitely doesn’t determine your value. 

Who you are is your character, your values, your talents, your faults, your weaknesses, your goodness, your individuality, your spirit and your love.

You are much more than your weight.

Your value comes from the fact that you are an irreplaceable, one-of-a-kind, incomparable human soul and the offspring of deity. 

Your value is therefore infinite and absolute and is not on the line. Your value is not on the line because life is a classroom, not a testing center. You are here to learn and grow, not prove your worth.

You are the same amazing, unique you, no matter what you do or how you look. Your weight has nothing to do with who you are.

You can adopt these universal truths by just repeating them often. All you have to do in any moment is choose to believe and embrace these truths instead of the negative thoughts you've been letting run amok in your head.

Here are some other ways you can start valuing yourself accurately:

1) Keep a journal, and when you are feeling inferior because of your weight, write down what triggered those thoughts. Write down the belief, the rule or assumption behind those thoughts. Write down how you could change your mind and think about yourself more accurately. How can you use your power to choose your state of mind to feel strong, beautiful, valuable and safe?

2) Poor body image is the result of rules you subconsciously made and still believe. Rules like (thin people are better than fat people) or (no one will love me if I’m overweight). These limiting beliefs are just not accurate. When you meet people that prove these rules aren’t accurate, take the time to write about them in your journal.

There are lots of talented, successful, valuable people with good self-esteem who are overweight. Oprah is a great example. Oprah doesn’t base her value on her weight. She knows she is much more than that. Writing about these people will help debunk those limiting beliefs and replace them with truth.

3) Practice choosing trust. Trust your value is infinite and absolute and not on the line because life is a classroom, not a testing center. You are here to learn and love. You are good enough right now.

Trust that who you are is your love for life, yourself and others. Choose to focus more on loving other people than getting their approval. Love is the most powerful way to eliminate fear in any moment. When you focus on love, your fears disappear.

4) Focus on being healthy, not thin. Most of your body shape is genetic. You inherited your physical body shape from your ancestors (bless their souls) and you cannot escape those genes. Focus on taking care of yourself and staying healthy and stop trying to be something you're not.

5) Eat healthy food all the time instead of going on and off a diet. Eat healthy because you value yourself and your health, not because you're trying to earn approval from other people. Their approval is irrelevant. You don’t need it. Self-esteem is about what you (yourself) think. Focus on your goodness.

6) Find a form of exercise that you love to do. Don’t let exercise become torture. Make it a fun part of your full and enjoyable life. Stay active doing things you love to do.

7) Learn how to buy and wear clothes that flatter your figure. Watch TLC’s "What not to Wear," they give you simple rules for dressing a full-figure body on most episodes. If you learn how to shop for the right clothes and dress appropriately, it will make a difference in how you feel.

8) Focus on how you treat people. In the end, people care more about how you treat them than how you look. People are attracted to your personality, talents, weaknesses, strengths, kindness, character, humor and love — all these things are who you are. Be someone who makes others feel loved and valued everywhere you go, and your self-esteem will improve fast.

9) Smile. According to Search Your Love, 67 percent of single men and 78 percent of single women find someone who smiles a bigger turn-on than someone who is thin.

Decide today to consciously take charge of your inner state. In every moment, choose to value yourself accurately.

It takes some practice, but you can do it. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a life coach and speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.