Surviving the family holiday party

Question:

What should I do with the people in my family that have hurt me over and over again? I have finally put my foot down and I am refusing to go to the family holiday party because a certain member of the family will be there. This person is a bully and the rest of the family justifies the behavior saying they have always been this way and not to take it personally, which is hard not to do. Do you have any advice for me?

Answer:

For many people, family gatherings are a huge source of tension, but you can attend that party and even enjoy yourself, if you get a healthy mindset first.

Read the following points every day for week before the party. Principles of truth, like these, can give you peace and clarity in any situation.

• I am a unique, irreplaceable, incomparable soul. My value is infinite and absolute and nothing anyone thinks or says about me can change it. I know who I am. I am not a perfect person, but I’m right on track in my perfect process of growth and learning. My value isn’t on the line here. I am a student in the classroom of life, but I am bulletproof and no one can diminish me without my permission.

• I am the one who will decide how I will value myself. I will not give that power away to anyone else. What “they” think of me doesn’t matter at all. I am the same me either way. They can think I’m a horrible person, they can say terrible things about me — but I know who I am.

• If I make mistakes, I will own them, apologize and focus on better behavior in the future. I won’t beat myself up for mistakes because they are just lessons, and they are helping me become a better me.

• Everyone is afraid they aren’t good enough. This fear makes people behave badly. Sometimes this fear makes them create stories that cast me as the bad guy, so they can feel better about themselves. Just because they believe these stories doesn’t make them true. I can ignore these stories completely. It doesn’t matter what they believe. I am the same me.

• Fear and insecurity create all kinds of bad behavior. Fear makes people brag, boast, criticize and judge. People do these things because they are scared about their own value. This is immature behavior, but I don’t let it hurt me. No one can hurt me without my participation. I can refuse to be hurt. I can let everything bounce off.

• I don’t take anything personally. When other people behave badly, it’s not about me. It’s about their fears about themselves. Since it’s not about me, it’s easy to ignore. Even when their behavior feels like an attack, I know it’s really a request for love. I choose to take the high road and treat them with love and respect anyway. I don’t do this because they deserve it, I do this because it’s the kind of person I’ve decided to be.

• Most bad behavior is a request for love. I recognize this and give people validation and attention whenever I can. I spend my time asking questions and listening to other people to show them I care about them. Listening to them is the deepest way to show another person they are valued. I spend more time giving this gift to others than I do worrying about myself.

• I do not have to participate in negative, hurtful or destructive conversations. I can remove myself or change the subject. I can guide conversations by asking more productive questions. I can also remove myself physically from the room.

• There are times when it might make sense to defend myself (from a place of strength and love), but most of the time I just ignore bad behavior. I see it for what it is and refuse to give it power. When I feel it’s appropriate to address bad behavior, I handle it with love and respect, seeing the other person as the same as me. I will not cast blame and accuse. Instead, I will focus on the behavior I would appreciate in the future.

• No matter what goes on around me, I get to choose my inner state. I have the power to choose how I will feel in each moment. There are only two choices, so this decision is simple. I can either choose a state of fear, where I feel insecure, uncomfortable, inferior or unsafe, or I can choose a state of optimism, trust and love. I choose optimism, trust and love.

• I feel safe because I trust the process of life. I choose to believe that good things are coming my way and I choose a hopeful, positive mindset about life (when I do this, more good things tend to happen). I choose to love people everywhere I go. I choose to be a giver of validation and always focus on making others feel valued. When I do these things and focus on these truths, I feel fantastic.

Try reading this often, I promise it will help. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a life coach and speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.