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This was first published on ksl.com
In response to my article on forgiveness last week, some readers have asked me to address forgiveness when the offender has what may be considered narcissistic behavior traits. These readers described some toxic behavior that should not be tolerated.
Having said that, you still want to forgive these people, (I will explain how), but that doesn't mean you should allow or subject yourself to their toxic behavior. Many people who have tolerated toxic behavior from family members for a long time can’t see how unacceptable the behavior is. They may start to think it’s normal because it’s normal in their family.
Here are some behaviors that may fall into this category:
You should still forgive them though. This means you will harbor no hate, anger, judgment, fear or resentment about them anymore. This means you have chosen to accept where and who they are, and place their fate in a higher power's hands. You can walk away from the prison of hate and pain and free yourself from any negative emotion toward this person.
Forgiveness is about letting them be a struggling, scared student in the classroom of life, just like you. Forgiveness means giving up judgment and seeing all people as having the same intrinsic worth, no matter what they do. This person is not less than you, they are just experiencing a different classroom journey than yours. They have signed up for different lessons and you can send blessings and love their way without actually spending time with them. I call this loving them from afar.
Often, this is the loving choice you must make.
If this person is someone you are forced to spend time with this may become harder. You will need to build a force field of trust and love around you to protect yourself as you interact with them.
This force field is built of trust that nothing they say or do can diminish your value and nothing they say or do can ruin your day, week or life journey. Whatever obstacles they create for you today are the lessons that can help you grow and learn. Trusting these two things will make you bulletproof to bad behavior.
Imagine they're shooting poisoned arrows your way but your force field of trust and love protects you, and the arrows just bounce off. Make sure you leave the arrows on the ground and don't pick them up and hurt yourself with them. Sometimes we do this. We may keep thinking about and repeating the insult in our mind, ruminating on it again and again. We may hang on to these insults for days or even years. This is self-inflicted pain.
Let their toxic words and behaviors bounce off. Don’t let them have the power to destroy your peace. Choose to see everything that happens as here to serve you. Every experience can help you become stronger, wiser and more loving.
Choosing a mindset this mature, wise and loving will take commitment and practice. Your ego may resist because it prefers judging, gossip, anger, the moral high ground and holding grudges. Resist the urge to let your ego go takeover.
Being a forgiving person does not mean allowing others to mistreat us. It means we don’t let their mistreatment rob us of our peace.
You can do this.
Coach Kim Giles is a master coach, author and corporate people skills trainer behind www.claritypointcoaching.com and www.12shapes.com. She is available for both individual coaching and corporate training.
This was first published on ksl.com
I can’t leave my job because I could never find one that pays this well, but I have a horrible boss that makes every day a bad experience. He has a quick temper and attacks us over things without even getting the whole story first. He obviously doesn’t care about anyone but himself and how things affect him and how he looks. How can I deal with this situation and survive working there?
There are two kinds of leaders: Those who function in an insecure, unbalanced, fear state and are mostly focused on themselves, and those who function in a secure, balanced state and can focus on the needs of others. I call these fear-driven leaders and love-driven leaders.
It sounds like your boss is a fear-driven leader. You can usually tell a person is in an unbalanced, fear state when their behavior is negative. Anyone who needs to threaten and intimidate employees to control their behavior doesn’t feel safe in the world themselves. They may be insecure, afraid of loss and worried about their bottom line. Their focus might be on protecting and promoting themselves because that is what makes them feel safer.
Here are a few suggestions that may help you work better with a fear-driven boss:
1. Make sure you are seeing this person and their bad behavior accurately
Understand that most of their bad behavior is caused by their fears about their own success, reputation and bottom line. When they feel these things are at risk, they may feel threatened by their own team. In their eyes, their team's mistakes or lack of knowledge could cause the boss to fail or look bad, so the team may become the enemy and is treated as such. Remember, when you are treated as the enemy, it really isn’t about you. The boss may just scared about their own welfare. Remind yourself that their stress and fear doesn’t have to become yours. Not your monkey, not your circus.
2. When a boss is overly critical and fault finding, this may be a sign that they're struggling with the fear of not being good enough themselves
Casting others as the bad ones and pointing fingers might be a way to make someone feel safer. When someone is insecure about their value, they may be selfish and put others down in the process. When you work with someone who does this don’t take anything they say personally. Understand blame is a coping mechanism and doesn’t make what they say factual. As much as you can, ignore the bad behavior.
3. Remember bad behavior comes from fear of failure or fear of loss, so it's really a request for validation and reassurance
Look for opportunities to reassure or validate the boss, including building him/her up. Compliment them when they do or say anything you can appreciate. I know this may be the last thing you want to give them, but making them feel better about themselves could result in less bad behavior.
4. Stay in control of your emotions and reactions
The more mature and wise you behave, the more this person may respect you. Do not whine or let them make you cry. Be kind, respectful, calm and centered. You can stay here by not taking anything personally and remembering no one can diminish your value. When you stay strong, calm and rational in tense situations, you may also earn your boss' respect — whether they will admit it or not.
5. Document everything
Quietly keep track of unethical, immoral or manipulative behavior. There may come a time you’ll be glad you did. Make sure you keep this documentation at home and not at work.
6. Say as little as possible
When you do need to speak, ask questions and listen to the responses, then choose your words carefully. Anything you say can and may be used against you. So limit your communication to only what is necessary.
7. See your boss as the same as you — a struggling student in the classroom of life
He is not better than you, so don’t let him intimidate you. He is not worse than you, so don’t spend time making him the bad guy. See his intrinsic value as the same as yours. This brings compassion, strength and wisdom into the situation.
8. Don't create drama
Do not gossip or backbite your boss with your co-workers. Be very careful that you don’t add to the drama and make the already negative situation any worse.
9. Notice good behavior
When he does behave like a love-motivated leader and gives positive feedback, behaves respectfully or honors a team member, be sure to notice and thank him. Let him know how much you appreciate it. This might encourage more good behavior in the future.
If none of these suggestions help your situation, you may want to update your resume and search for a new job with a better work environment.
You can do this.
Kimberly Giles is a sought after life coach, author, speaker and business owner. To learn more about her programs and to take the Clarity Assessment, Visit her website www.claritypointcoaching.com
This was first published on ksl.com
Most of the questions readers submit to me are about resolving conflict with other humans. The trick to resolving conflict lies in taking the problem apart, understanding the triggers each person experiences and the bad behavior those triggers might create. This process is what I call an emotional autopsy because it allows you to understand the motivation and emotions underneath the surface that may cause the problem. This also gives you the power to calm the emotions and deal with the actual problem.
Think about the last fight or argument you had with someone and follow my process by asking yourself the questions below. See if you can identify the underlying cause of the conflict and how to resolve it in the future.
1. What event or situation started this conflict or problem?
Can you follow it back to the original issue that may have triggered a negative emotion and made each party behave badly? This issue could stem from something that has been happening for a long time, or something they've experienced their whole life. We're going to call the person who was triggered by something that created the conflict Person A. We'll call the other party Person B.
2. What negative emotion showed up in Person A because of the triggering event?
Did they feel insulted, rejected, unwanted, unimportant, unappreciated, not good enough, controlled, pushed, defensive, protective, or mistreated? Do they have a story about how the situation has made them feel the emotions they've experienced in the past? What is that story?
3. How did Person A behave because of this emotion?
What kind of behavior or language showed up as a result? Did Person A pull back from Person B, try to control them or have walls up to protect themself? Did they get defensive, say something insulting or do something equally triggering to Person B? What does that behavior look like?
4. What negative emotions were triggered in Person B as a result of Person A’s behavior?
How exactly did Person B feel mistreated? Did Person B feel unappreciated, taken from, unwanted or rejected? It's important to identify these emotions and what might be triggering them. If they're ignored for too long, they may continue to cause conflict in Person B in other situations.
5. What kind of bad behavior showed up when Person B reacted to their emotions?
What did Person B’s unbalanced behavior or language look like? Did they try to understand Person A, or did they react just as badly?
6. How might have Person B further triggered Person A?
What emotion might have showed up in Person A now as a result of Person B’s reaction? What might Person A and Person B be feeling at this point? Being clear on this will help you step back and see how the emotions might be driving the conflict more than the original issue.
7. What does each person need in this situation?
What could you give the other person that might help quiet the emotion that is causing the conflict? For example, if you know and understand that no one can diminish your value, you may feel less threatened by conflict and can create a safer space for those around you. Then, you may be able to better work through problems by giving the other person involved in the conflict what they need to feel safe and help them want to resolve the issue at hand.
8. Go back to the original emotions that showed up in steps No. 2 and No. 4. Are these emotions that Person A and Person B experience often?
Is it an emotion they've experienced throughout their life and in many different situations? Sometimes, people and situations can trigger certain emotions in people, but they're not the real cause. The real cause may be something that happened in that person's past and certain situations might stir up emotions and reactions in them.
9. What does someone who may carry these emotions around need?
Remember, bad behavior may be a request for love, validation or reassurance. You might not want to validate or love a person who is behaving badly, but if you can see that it isn’t really about you, conflict resolution can get easier. You can't fix another person and you aren't responsible for their behavior, but if you can quiet the negative emotions in them during conflict, then you can more easily deal with the problem at hand. You may also need to enforce boundaries to protect yourself from certain people, and that's OK, too.
If you choose to see life as a classroom, it means every conflict or emotion is part of your classroom journey and is meant to serve you. Knowing this might make some people problems less difficult and increase your capacity to resolve conflict with others. The more you practice this process, the easier it may become to see conflict accurately and resolve people problems more maturely.
You can do this.
Kimberly Giles is a sought after master life coach who is provides coaching and help to anyone struggling with people problems or relationship conflicts. She also trains and certifies life coaches in her system with new classes starting soon.
This was first published on KSL.COM
I get many questions submitted by readers asking how to deal with "irritating," "annoying," "rude," "grouchy" and "unkind" humans. Some say they have a terrible boss, others have complaining neighbors, and some have hard to handle in-laws. Wherever there are people, we have people problems.
The first step in dealing with bad behavior is understanding what actually causes it. Understanding why people do disrespectful things or say negative things may help you understand what they need and how to communicate with them.
My goal in these articles is to make human behavior simpler to understand, deal with and improve. Some of my ideas or perspectives may seem overly generalized, but if you try them out, you may find they are accurate. After 17 years of research, I have found almost all bad behavior is caused by fear — though I define fear in a broader sense than you may be used to.
I've found that people may become selfish, defensive, angry or grouchy when they feel unsafe or threatened — either with insecurity about their worth or about being taken from or mistreated. In a state of fear, they are focused on one thing only and that's getting whatever they need to feel safe and secure again. It's only when they feel safe and secure that they can access their love and show up selflessly for other people.
To make this simple, I've identified two fears that I believe drive all bad behavior. If you really think about that terrible boss, difficult neighbor or annoying relative, you might be able to see one or both of these fears in play:
1. The fear of failure or the fear of not being good enough
We all battle this one to some degree every day, but people who have a lot of it and are seriously insecure may have all kinds of bad behavior issues. Some of them may overcompensate for their insecurity by showing off or being an arrogant person. Others may gossip, criticize or judge other people as a subconscious way to make themselves feel better. Or they might be the opposite way and be overly shy, quiet and reserved, because that feels safer. These people might play small and avoid situations that could make them look bad or feel less than other people.
If you have a terrible boss that is critical and hard to please, then he/she might have a fear-of-failure problem and just take it out on their employees.
If you have a difficult mother-in-law who is quick to point out what is wrong, then she may be insecure about herself and needs to show off her superior knowledge or put you down to quiet that fear and make herself feel better. Many of the people we may find annoying might just be insecure and trying to cope with that.
2. The fear of loss or the fear of being mistreated or taken from
Any time you are not getting the life you want, you might be put in a fear-of-loss state. In this state, you may be focused on protecting and defending what you want and need. This could make a person controlling, bossy, territorial or defensive. People in this state may often mistreat you in an effort to avoid mistreatment themselves.
A difficult co-worker may see you as a threat because you could get the promotion that they want. A fear-of-loss neighbor might be bothered with your yard and weeds because they affect his property value. When parents blow up over kids messing up the house, they may become angry because the kids are costing them time, energy and possibly money if they wreck anything. Whenever we feel mistreated, we might go on the defensive and behave badly ourselves.
A difficult mother-in-law may feel taken from because she doesn’t get the time with her son that she wants, or she may feel it’s unfair that you spend more time with your parents than you do with her. Can you see how mistreatment may create bad behavior?
Even being stuck in traffic might be a fear of loss experience and can create road rage. If you believe someone cut you off, then you might lash out at the offender and feel justified in doing it. You might not have called this behavior fear before, but it's based in the fear of losing your quality of life.
Once you understand which fear might be driving the other party's bad behavior, you'll understand what the person needs to calm their fear-based feelings and access their love. If you can quiet the fear, then you can encourage better behavior.
If they're insecure and afraid they aren’t good enough, then they may need validation. This might be the last thing you want to give a person who you believe is being arrogant, but it could be what they need to quiet their fear.
If someone is being a showoff or a know-it-all, try telling them how amazing they are. They may soon realize that they don’t need to show off. You can’t fix their self-esteem issues — they're the only one who can do that — but you can make them feel safer with you, which could mean better behavior around you at least.
If they're feeling mistreated or taken from and are in a loss state, then they need reassurance that they're cared for and that you're aware of their concerns. They need to know you'll do your best to honor what they need. Let that annoying neighbor know you're aware of his concern and will do your best on that yard. Let your mother-in-law know you care about how she feels. Just knowing you're mindful of their concerns may make them less adversarial.
When you need to communicate with someone functioning in a fear state and behaving badly, first take time to ask questions and listen to all their concerns, thoughts and feelings. This shows them you care about them. It will make them feel honored and respected, even when you can’t give them what they want.
Now, there are some people who are so deep in a fear state that there's nothing you can do to fix it. These people might be nearly impossible to deal with. They might be irrational or their perspective might be so inaccurate that you can’t begin to deal with it. These people are often referred to as toxic because you just can’t get anywhere with them.
In dealing with toxic people, you should stay away as much as you can and not take anything they do or say personally. Work on having thick skin around them and not letting their fear-driven, selfish actions or words hurt you. When you cannot change another person and their behavior, you get to work on changing yours and becoming stronger.
Just remember, most bad behavior in others has nothing to do with you (even if they're attacking you). It's usually about the other person's fears about themselves that they just project onto everyone around them. Knowing this will help you let most problems roll off.
You can do this.
Coach Kim Giles is the author behind the new books The People Guidebook Choosing Clarity. She is a sought after corporate people skills speaker and trainer, and a master life coach.
This was first published on KSL.Com
I enjoy reading your articles on KSL, thank you for your insights on life, they are very helpful. I've had a situation that I'm wondering if you might have some advice on. Last night my in-laws came over, without warning, and said they wanted to talk to us about something. They then expressed concern that our son wasn't getting enough attention and that I needed to spend more time with my son.
We're still very confused and pretty hurt about this criticism. We feel like they overstepped their bounds. They are on business trips every other week and we don’t even see them much anymore. So, I'm not sure how they can think that we don't give our son enough attention. Additionally, I am working full-time and in graduate school, doing the very best I can to spend quality time with my son, so it was especially hard for me to hear them express these feelings. What do you suggest we can do about the situation? How can we heal from the pain this has caused us?
I think they may have overstepped too. If they wanted to give you some feedback or advice, they should have asked permission first. That might have been a more respectful approach. They could have asked if you'd be open to some observations or suggestions around your parenting and given you the chance to say "yes" or "no."
Unsolicited advice can sometimes be construed as an insult. So, it's understandable that you were offended to some degree. The problem, however, is that being offended isn’t going to serve you, your son, or your in-laws in any way.
I’d like to suggest another way to process this situation or any situation where you receive hurtful feedback because this can happen to any one of us.
The next time you receive hurtful feedback or criticism from someone, try following these steps:
— See if there is any merit or something you could learn or improve on. Is the feedback warranted and could you do better in any way? You can always look for a lesson in the experience even if you don’t think it’s accurate.
— Consider the other person's agenda in giving you the feedback.
— Read some of my past articles on forgiveness and work on seeing them as imperfect, struggling, scared students in the classroom of life — just like you. Remember, they have the same intrinsic value as you no matter what they do or say.
— Understand forgiveness becomes easier when you choose to see every experience as one meant to help you grow. If you begin to see them as perfect learning opportunities, then you may begin to see the people involved as your perfect teachers. Those teachers might push your buttons or bring up your fears and weaknesses to the surface so that you can work on them. This can be a painful process, but it's still here to serve you.
Hopefully, this process will help you see your in-laws as well-intentioned and help you let the part you consider insulting to roll off. I see these insults as poison darts — you can choose to let them hit you and hurt you or you can let them bounce off your force field of love, truth and wisdom. I recommend you let them bounce off and don’t suffer from them anymore.
If your in-laws do this kind of thing often, you might want to ask permission to give them some feedback. If they agree and are open, explain that you consider unsolicited feedback as an insult and you would appreciate them asking permission the next time they have some for you.
You can do this.
Kimberly Giles is a popular executive life coach and speaker. Check out her articles on forgiveness at https://coachkimgiles.weebly.com/apps/search?q=forgiveness and learn about becoming a life coach at www.claritypointcoaching.com
I hate family holiday parties because there is one person who completely ruins them for me. They are negative and critical, and they never fail to insult me in some way. Do you have any advice for managing this situation, since I am expected to attend like it or not?
You are not alone in dreading this part of the holidays. Many people find family gatherings trying. If it’s not annoying relatives, it’s dreading the questions people will ask about your life (and your lack of good answers). Most families today are made of people with different beliefs, values, standards and ideas too, and these differences can create conflict, defensiveness and arguments.
There are a couple key things to remember to help you survive these parties:
1. Differences don’t mean better or worse, or right or wrong — they just mean different
The reason differences might scare us and make us feel judged and criticized by others is we might assume someone is right and better, and the other is wrong or worse. That's not true, it's just a perspective option, but it’s not your only perspective option.
You could choose to believe that all human beings have the same, unchanging, infinite, intrinsic worth — no matter their differences. This means different can’t make anyone better or less than anyone else. If you choose this perspective, you can be bulletproof at family parties or any other social setting. No one can judge you as less or worse and hurt you with their opinions, unless you let them. You can choose to believe you still have the same value as they do. If you choose this though, you also have to give up judgment and stop seeing them as bad or worse. Can you do that? Can you give infinite, absolute value to everyone else? If you can you will at the same time choose it for yourself, and no one can hurt you with their opinions again.
2. Give up judgment of others and let them all have the same value as you
You may subconsciously like being in a place of judgment toward certain family members and like spending the holidays complaining about them. You may do this because placing blame on these “bad people” makes you feel superior in some way. If you have low self-esteem (and are afraid you aren’t good enough) blaming or judging others might be part of your coping strategy. Be honest with yourself. Is there an ego part of you that likes complaining and gossiping about this person? Or are you ready to change yourself to feel better?
3. Choose to see life as a classroom and your relatives as your perfect teachers
I believe the real purpose for our being on this planet is to learn and to grow and the most important lesson we are here to learn is to love ourselves and other people. If this is truth, it means every single thing that happens to you here is a lesson on learning to love at a deeper level.
It also means the annoying, hurtful, bossy, rude people in your life might be here to serve as teachers and bring your fears, defensiveness and weaknesses to the surface so you can work on them. It's really important you see your family as your perfect classroom. It's no accident that this person is in your life and you are in theirs. Think about that annoying relative and ask yourself how they could be the perfect teacher for you. Do they trigger a fear or insecurity that you need to work on? Do they inspire you to be different than how they are? In what way could they possibly be here to help you grow? When you see them as here to serve you, you might be less bothered and more compassionate toward them.
4. Everyone is in their own perfect classroom journey experience, learning different lessons from yours, but they still have the same value
This also helps you stay out of judgment and stop comparing your life with theirs. The lessons you need to learn are different from theirs, so your experiences and struggles will be different too. Allow them room to be a work in progress with much more to learn (just like you).
5. Ask yourself these questions to help process your feelings toward this annoying relative:
Do this because it’s the kind of person you’ve decided to be. Spend your time at the family party asking questions and listening to others. Show people you value them at the deepest level and see their infinite worth. The more you do this, the better you may feel about yourself.
During those family parties, remember no one can hurt or diminish you because your value is infinite and absolute. Don’t give anyone the power to take away your peace and joy.
You can do this.
Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert.
SALT LAKE CITY — Relationships and getting along with others is complicated and messy. It’s messy because we are all so different, and our differences create uncomfortable, unsafe and threatened feelings, which can lead to bad relationship behavior, based in fear, not love.
When you are in a fear-based relationship where no one feels safe, this fear creates bad behavior and people problems.
Over the last 15 years, as a master executive life coach, I have found that human behavior can actually be very simple to understand. And when you get it, you can get along with almost anyone (yes, there are some people you may never get along with, but they are rare).
I have found most human behavior is driven by two factors: what you value and what you fear. These two factors are the keys to understanding why you and other people behave the way you do and why you struggle to get along with certain people, especially those who value and fear different things than you do.
My business partner Nicole Cunningham did 8 years of research in Australia and Asia that have led us to believe there are four value systems that drive most human behavior. These four systems of value, along with the two core fears (I talk about in most of my KSL.com articles) divide us into 12 different types of people, which we call the 12 shapes. These four value systems influence the kind of career you go into, the way you dress, the kind of worker you are, who you judge, who you respect and who you struggle to get along with.
MAKE SURE YOU TAKE THE 12 SHAPES RELATIONSHIP SURVEY AND FIND OUT YOUR SHAPE - AND INVITE FRIENDS AND FAMILY TO DO THE SAME!
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See if you can tell which sounds the most like you. Here they are:
For example, I am a person, who highly values tasks and I often see other people, who don’t work as hard or as fast as I do, as lazy. I see people who talk too much as time wasters and I struggle to be friends with people who are too opinionated. I also don’t care much about my appearance and I can judge people who spend a lot of time and energy on theirs.
Can you see why you might not get along with people who value different things?
Think of some people in your life, who you do not get along with. See if you can figure out what that person values most. Is their value system different from yours? Does it threaten what you value? Does their value system mean they might see yours as wrong?
When you don’t get along with someone, it is generally because you don’t feel safe with them. The way they think or behave probably threatens you, who you are, or what you value. Because you don’t feel safe, you will subconsciously see them as wrong, less, bad or worse than you. You might also subconsciously look for bad in them and focus on it. There will be good in them too, but you won’t see that, because your ego needs to see anyone who is different as the bad guy. Seeing them as bad or wrong makes you feel a little safer and better.
This is behavior you must watch for. If you aren’t getting along with someone, take the time to look at why you might feel threatened or not good enough around them. What about them makes you feel this way? How is their value system a threat to yours?
Could you, instead, trust that all human beings have the same intrinsic worth and no one is more or less valuable than anyone else? Could you trust that each of us is having a completely unique, custom, classroom journey and see any comparing as pointless? Could you set aside better and worse, and just see them as different?
Recognize the world needs all different kinds of people and no value system is inherently better or worse than another. Seeing people and their behavior accurately will create more tolerance and acceptance. The more you practice seeing human behavior this way, the more compassionate and easy to get along with you will become.
You can do this.
Kimberly Giles and Nicole Cunningham are the authors of the 12 Shapes Relationship System - get the app today, take the quiz, invite friends and learn about your shape at - app.12shapes.com
We moved to Utah from out of state and we are good Christian people with high standards and values, and like most people outside of Utah we drink coffee and wine. We also use a phrase that apparently is taboo here. We say “Oh my God” quite a bit and never in our lives considered that a swear word. But twice since moving, here my children have been told that’s bad to say that, and this has been very confusing for them because it is so normal at our house. The way they were scolded about their language was very judgmental of my husband and I as parents. We have also have had numerous families tell my children they can’t play with theirs, because we are not Mormon and have wine in our house. We have never had wine in front of their children and we actually don’t drink very often, but really, we’ve never experienced anything like this. My children have good manners and are kind, sweet kids, but they are cast as bad in our neighborhood because we are of a different religion. I am not sure how to handle it? I am shocked that religious people would be so unkind. Do you have any suggestions?
First, we would like to openly apologize to you (on behalf of our state) and say we are so sorry this kind of thing happens here. Please know there are many Utahans, who would never treat you and your family this way and are saddened to know this has been your experience.
As for some advice, you have two options in this situation. You can be angry, bitter, resentful and unkind back, or you can take the high road and demonstrate your beliefs better than they have theirs. Our advice would be to take the high road and treat them with kindness and love anyway. Do this, not because they deserve it, but because it’s the kind of person you want to be.
You might consider killing them with kindness, instead of being unkind back. Take them cookies, shovel their snow or find other ways to demonstrate what love looks like.
Let your children know these people are afraid. They have a fear problem around certain words or actions that make them feel unsafe. If we see their behavior as scared, instead of judgmental and unkind, it’s easier to have compassion for them. They are doing the best they can with what they currently know and see, though ignorance isn’t innocence.
Suggestion for righteous people everywhere:
We would also like to offer some suggestions to you, who find yourselves feeling uncomfortable with people who are different from you, or not of your faith.
We hope you will be open minded and consider you might have some subconscious fear issues that arise when interacting with people who are different from you, and this might trigger behavior that is less than loving.
We all have subconscious biases in play, but that doesn’t excuse unloving behavior. It is always your responsibility to identify your discomfort around certain things or people, and force yourself out of your comfort zone. This is the only way to grow and learn to accept and embrace people, who are different.
We believe this one lesson (loving people who are different from you) is the primary lesson we are on the planet to learn and it is why the universe is filled with diversity. Diversity gives you an opportunity to see “the limits of your love” as they show you the boundaries of your comfort zone and challenge you to learn to love bigger.
If you are uncomfortable around people of a different race, religion, or sexual orientation, people who drink coffee or wine, have tattoos, swear, or have gauged ears or piercings, you need to find some of those people post haste, and spend some time with them. Get to know them. It is simply a matter of choosing to expand your world. You will probably be surprised too, because these people are often the kindest you will ever meet.
We were at a conference recently and saw a transsexual woman sitting alone at a table. Because we haven’t had the opportunity to know many trans people, we could immediately see getting to know this person would be a good stretch for us. We asked if we could join her and had the most amazing time learning about the challenges she faces and feeling of her goodness. You must also do this kind of thing if you want to grow.
We also recommend asking yourself, what does being a righteous person mean to you?
The dictionary defines righteousness as: being morally right or virtuous.
This is definitely a noble pursuit, but that is about one’s own choices and behavior. You get to decide what your values are and what behavior you deem right, but it does not include putting those same values on others. As soon as you do that, you have moved from righteous to self-righteous.
The dictionary defines self-righteous as: believing one is totally correct or morally superior to others.
This is where it all goes wrong. When you believe you are morally superior to another person, you are no longer righteous, in our opinion. It is not right to push your beliefs on other people or scold them for language you have decided not to use. When you do this, it is not defending God’s name, it is making another person or family feel small. You are choosing to see some human beings as having more value (or being more right or better) than others, and this is a problem.
If you want to raise confident, loving, wise children, who grow into mature, kind adults, then teach them to see all human beings as having the same value, no matter the difference in their journeys, language or behavior.
We know you are trying to teach your children your values, which in this case includes the idea that drinking coffee and wine are bad. We understand the fear you have, that children, who don’t see drinking as bad, might be prone to do it. The problem is you are also raising judgmental children, who will miss out on getting to know a large number of amazing people all over the world, because their fear will overpower their ability to love them.
There is a way to explain to children though drinking is against your family’s personal values, it doesn’t make a person who drinks bad or less than you. You can teach the dangers of alcohol, while also teaching them to accept and love those who have different values. There are good kind people all over the world who drink responsibly and live healthy lives. You may also have a child who drinks at some point, and they need to know there is nothing they could do, to separate themselves from your love.
Most of all, make sure you are teaching children to accept and be kind to everyone and the only way to teach this is by example. If you have ever made a neighbor feel judged for being different, don’t underestimate the power of a sincere apology. It’s not too late.
You can do this.
This was first published on KSL.com
I have a close relative who acts like he is perfect at everything, while he makes up terrible lies about my wife and tells them to me, just to cause problems in our relationship. He also says all kinds of weird and gross things to us that seem highly inappropriate. I once made a comment about how Santa Claus isn’t real, and he told me (in all seriousness) that I could be excommunicated for saying that. Obviously, he is not right in the head and I don’t really want to be around him, but as I said, he is a close relative so that isn’t an option. What do you do with a situation like this?
The truth is most human beings are a little quirky, but some are really quite unusual. It is easy with these people to go to a place of irritation, annoyance and judgment, and even see them as broken, weird or less than the rest of us. Some people are even unstable mentally or emotionally and may be dangerous, so it’s understandable to feel threatened or unsafe around them.
Here are some things you can do if you have to live with, work near or otherwise deal with a really quirky human.
1. Choose a system for determining the value of human beings.
There is no absolute truth about the real value of a human being. Every religion and philosopher on the planet has an opinion about it, but no one can prove their theory. This leaves us with the opportunity to choose a perspective. We believe you basically have two options:
(1) You can choose to see human value as changeable and in question.
This means our value can go up and down based on our performance, appearance and property. it means if you lose weight, make more money, or perform perfectly you may feel your value has gone up, and you might even feel better than other people. But if it can go up, it can also go down. So if you make mistakes, gain weight, lose your job or your family, you could also feel less than other people.
As long as you believe human value can change (and go up and down) you will also always see some human beings as having more value than other human beings because these two ideas go together. As long as you choose this system you will always be afraid you aren’t quite good enough too. You will feel this way because no matter how hard you try to perform perfectly or look perfect, you will always find people who appear better. This system for determining the value of human beings always leaves you feeling inadequate. But you can still choose it if you want to. Or you can choose this next option.
(2) You can choose to see all human beings as having the same, unchangeable value.
This means you decide to base all human value on our intrinsic worth as one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable, totally unique human souls, and all of us (no matter how quirky) will always be that and have the same worth. It is true that some humans will try harder, contribute more to society, and work to learn and grow, while others will not accomplish much, but these are differences in our extrinsic journey and choices and do not have to affect our intrinsic worth. At least you can see it that way if you want to.
You might want to consider choosing this system because it does two amazing things. First, it means you cannot fail, you can only learn. This perspective sees life as a classroom, not a test. With this perspective, you can make mistakes, which create amazing lessons and facilitate growth, but they never change your value. This helps you to have rock solid self-esteem (without arrogance or the tendency to see yourself as better than others, because they always have the same value as you).
Second, it helps you to stay out of judgment by seeing all humans as different (since no one on the planet gets the same classroom journey as anyone else) but all equal in value. This perspective creates compassion and makes it easier to tolerate and even accept the quirkiness in others.
2. Identify your Personality Type.
After 16 years as life coaches and working with thousands of people, we believe there are only 12 types of people in the world. When you know your type it helps you to accept your own strengths and weaknesses, and see your own quirky behavior more accurately. It also helps you to stop trying to be what others are, or expect them to be like you. Instead, you appreciate the interesting differences in us all. what are the personality types, how do we find out which personality type we are?
3. Identify your (and their) balanced and unbalanced behaviors.
Understanding human behavior is simple when you understand we all function every moment, of every day, in one of two states. A trust and love balanced state, where we are at our best, and a fear state where our worst behavior comes out. When you can accept your own quirkiness, you usually become more tolerant and accepting of other people’s quirkiness too.
We believe each of us has different bad relationship behavior that comes out when our fears are triggered, and understanding yours and theirs will help you have more compassion. You will also start seeing bad behavior as scared behavior. All bad behavior shows up when someone is in a fear driven state.
When your quirky relative behaves badly, you will understand that he is either trying to create a sense of value, to quiet his fear of failure (the fear he isn’t good enough) or he is trying to create a place where he feels safe from loss. Most of the time illogical, dishonest or irrational behavior comes from trying to cover a deep fear of failure or inadequacy. Or he may actually have a brain problem that means his thinking is just inaccurate and skewed. Either way, you must let the quirky be where they are in their unique journey.
4. Honor their right to be where and how they are.
Every one of us is experiencing a totally unique, interesting and difficult classroom journey. No one on the planet will ever get the same, genes, family, upbringing and the exact combination of life experiences that you got. This means (if we see life as school) that we are all in different classes. You will never know why their journey is what it is and what lessons they are supposed to be learning from their journey. But you can trust there is reason, purpose and meaning in everything being as it is.
The amazing Viktor Frankl, in a concentration camp during World War II asked himself the question, "Am I here by accident, is it just random bad luck? Or is there purpose for my being right here having this experience?"
He pondered this question trying to determine which idea was truth. In the end, he decided there is no way to know truth on this, and this leaves us with the power to choose our mindset. He found when he chose to see life as random bad luck he suffered more, but when he chose to see meaning and purpose in the experience, it made him want to rise and do something positive with it.
"In some ways, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning," Frankl wrote in his popular book "Man’s Search for Meaning."
We can choose, likewise, to trust there is purpose in our unique journey being what it is (and with this quirky person in it). We may never know the exact reason this experience was perfect for us, but we can still choose to trust there is one.
This will help us to allow each person to be who and where they are, without judgment that they should be anything different. We can live and let live and practice loving tolerance and wisdom.
5. Have the wisdom to choose your battles.
If we choose to see our journey (and interactions with the quirky people around us) as our perfect classroom, we know resistance is futile. Instead of resisting what is and expecting people and situations to be different than what they are, we embrace them and are grateful for what they can teach us.
This doesn’t mean you stop trying to improve situations or relationships, but when there is little in your control, you will see it is wiser to let the situation be whatever weird thing it is and you don’t let it upset you. Your weird relative is providing some interesting lesson in your life, choose not to suffer too much about it.
The amount that you suffer over the quirky people and lessons in your life is totally up to you. No one can make you upset without your permission and participation. You can choose peace, trust and a feeling of safety in every moment, even when things feel weird. Choose to trust there is order in the universe and the author of it all — is in charge. Trust that the universe is a wise teacher who knows what it’s doing it will make it easier to cope when things feel crazy.
You can do this.
Kim Giles and Nicole Cunningham are Master Life Coaches who host an internet radio show called Relationship Radio on Voice American and iTunea. Learn more at www.12shapes.com
I want you to address in a column what you do when family members aren't speaking. How do you tactfully handle family holiday parties when they refuse to be in the same place as each other, but you have to invite them both? One has issued an ultimatum that they want us to choose sides, which we feel is not the right thing to do. Is there any way to navigate these bad relationships or fix them? Please give us some advice.
Many people suffer from depression and anxiety around the holidays. Some have it because they have no family to be with, others have it because they do have family to be with. Family gatherings can be a real challenge if there is resentment, hurt feelings, and conflict between your guests.
We recommend you send this article to both parties and tell them you love and support them, and just want everyone to suffer less this holiday season. Explain that you have no judgment around this issue and totally understand how hard it is to deal with these conflicts, but you just want to help both sides heal.
I believe we are on this planet for one reason — to learn, grow and become better. Our main objective is to learn to love ourselves and other people at a deeper level. If this is true, forgiving would be the No. 1 most important lesson, and it's a challenging one too because our ego side really likes to hold onto judgment.
It’s easy to love people who are kind and good to us. Loving people who hurt us is the challenge that pushes us and forces us to rise. It shows us the limits of our love and gives us the chance to stretch and grow them.
If you are going to change how you feel about an offense, you will need to learn to look at the situation in a new way. This article is going to help you do that. You may feel like you aren’t ready, but "I'm not ready" is just an excuse we use when we can't articulate the real reason we don't want to forgive.
You must identify the real reason you are holding onto this offense and don't want to forgive it. Here are some possibilities:
1. Remember none of us are perfect.
This person did something wrong and it sounds like this was an especially painful wrong, but you aren’t perfect either. You may not have made this mistake, but you have made others. You must remember that you are both imperfect, struggling students in the classroom of life, with lots more to learn, who both deserve forgiveness.
You don’t want every mistake you ever made held against you forever. In order to feel forgiven for your past wrongs, you must give others the same.
2. You alone are responsible for the pain you are experiencing.
No situation can cause you pain without your participation in it. Your thoughts and feelings are under your control and this means no one can take away your pain or give you pain. You alone have that power. If you struggle to understand this principle, read my previous KSL article about choosing to be upset.
You must grasp the truth that you are in control of your thoughts and feelings. You can feel better right now if you want to. You don’t have to wait until you feel ready to forgive. You can choose to be ready now.
3. The other person is guilty of bad behavior, but you both have the same infinite and absolute value.
You both have the same value no matter how many mistakes either of you makes. This is true because life is a classroom, not a test, and our value isn't on the line.
That does not mean we can sit back and stop improving though. It means our lack of knowledge and need for improvement doesn’t affect our intrinsic value. We have the same intrinsic value regardless of the amount of learning we still need to do. You want this principle to be true because you want it to be true for you.
4. Forgiveness happens best when you see yourself and others accurately
Forgiveness will happen when you see yourself and others as innocent, completely forgiven, struggling, scared, messed up, but perfect students in the classroom of life, with lots more to learn. Most of us think forgiving is about seeing people as guilty and then trying to pardon them for those mistakes. If you try to forgive this way it will never happen. You will still be hung up on the fact they are guilty. Forgiveness will never work when it’s a gift undeserved.
Instead, let all the wrongs, pain and hurt on both sides of this be wiped clean of all selfish, fear-based, bad behavior. It is time to let go and accept divine forgiveness for both of you. Let the other person be a “work in progress” and don’t crucify yourself or them for mistakes. Accept the gift of forgiveness and see life as a classroom where mistakes don’t count against our value. We can just all erase them all and try again.
5. Forgiveness is the key to happiness and it is the only way to peace, confidence and security.
This is universal law. The key to forgiveness lies in one very simple choice that you must make over and over every day. What energy do you want to live in? You have two options — you can live in judgment, blame and anger energy? Or forgiveness, peace and joy energy?
Judgment energy means you stand in judgment of others, condemning and crucifying them for past mistakes. If you choose this mindset, you are giving power to the idea that people can be "not good enough" and should be judged harshly, which will come back on you too. You will always struggle with your own self-esteem and this energy will feel heavy, negative and unhappy.
Your other option is a forgiveness energy. Here you choose to forgive yourself and others, and completely let go of every misconceived, stupid, selfish, fear-based mistake either of you has ever made. You choose to see these mistakes for what they really are, bad behavior born of confusion, self-doubt, lack of knowledge, low self-esteem and fear. In this place, you choose to see everyone as innocent and forgiven and let them (and you) start over with a clean slate every day.
If you choose this mindset, you will feel safe, loved, whole and good about yourself and this energy will be light, peaceful and happy.
The question is: How do you want to live?
Consider letting go of the past offense and showing up at the family gathering with nothing but love and compassion in your heart. This doesn’t mean you have to be close to or deal with the other person, but it does mean treating them with respect, compassion and kindness. It means understanding that negative feelings hurt you more than they hurt them. It means choosing to focus on gratitude and being the love in the room, then on the past and casting blame.
You can do this.
Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com and 12shapes.com - She is the author of the new e-book Fearless Forgiving: The clarity path to peace - you can get this inexpensive e-book on amazon here.
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These articles were originally published on KSL.COM
Kimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio.