This was first published on KSL.com
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Question:

My spouse and I argue about the same things again and again. It is like we are always having the same fight; we just take breaks of agreeing to disagree in between rounds. We have been to marriage therapy and have learned communication skills, but here we are in the same boat. Can you give us anything different to try?

Answer:

Many people experience a fight that’s always the same issue again and again. This happens when both of you have dug into your position and keep defending it, and neither of you is open to learning, understanding or changing because that would feel like losing the argument. In an argument, your egos are only interested in protecting, promoting and winning for your side. Ego also wants to be right and have the other person be wrong.

The truth is, until you learn to set ego aside, stop defending yourself and communicate with the purpose of understanding the other person and their perspective, learning something new, or creating new solutions you haven’t thought of before, you are going to be stuck here.

Here are some ways to become more open, more creative and more productive when you argue:

1. Know your value isn't in question

Remember this argument is just a perfect classroom experience and your value isn’t in question, so there is nothing to fear. When you choose to see the fight from the perspective that you are safe and have nothing to fear because your value can’t change and your journey is perfect no matter what happens, you won’t get so defensive. In this place you can actually focus on giving love, understanding and validation to the other person because you don’t need anything. This requires practice.

2. Listen to learn

Instead of trying to win, try to understand and learn something you didn’t know before. When ego takes over you only care about being right, being better or getting your way. You are basically selfish and defensive. Instead, try this: Thank your ego for trying to protect you, but tell it you are going to try something new and see if you can learn something about the other person you never knew before.

This will require asking lots of questions, without any agenda other than understanding. If you are sincere about this intention the other person will feel that, and they might actually feel safe enough to really talk to you. Make a commitment to listen for more than just planning what you will say next. Listen with the intention of learning and you will be amazed at how much you didn't know about the other person.

3. Fight as a team

Instead of fighting against each other, make it the two of you — on the same side, as a team — against the problem. Stop trying to convince the other person you are right and pull them to your side. Instead, ask them if the two of you, together, could try to find a new solution.

Get out some paper and brainstorm solutions to this problem. Allow yourselves to bring humor in and get creative. Get online and look for solutions others have recommended. Write down places you could go for help. Don’t stop until you have thought of 50 crazy, creative, new ideas — with none of them being the places you started from.

4. Identify your core fear

In my experience, it’s either fear of failure (not being good enough) or fear of loss (feeling threatened or unsafe in the world). If either you or your partner is fear-of-failure dominant, meaning there is a subconscious tendency toward people-pleasing and insecurity, that person will need a lot of validation around their worth, their performance and their thinking.

If you give a fear-of-failure dominant person a lot of positive feedback, they will feel safer and will be better able to communicate in a productive way. If they feel insulted, criticized or judged, they won’t feel safe with you and will probably stay very defensive.

If either of you is fear-of-loss dominant, meaning you have a subconscious tendency toward feeling mistreated and taken from, that person needs control, reassurance and help making things right, done or clean to feel safe in the world. If you can give a fear-of-loss dominant person these things, they will be better able to communicate in a productive way. This can be a game changer when you get it.

5. Cure the core fear

Become the cure to your partner's core fear every day. If you make sure they feel safe in the world every day — by constantly giving them the kind of validation, praise, help or control they need — they will feel safer with you, which means less defensive and less on edge. It will also mean when you argue, it likely won’t be as tense, scary or mean. If you do this right, your partner will be more likely to support you, too.

6. Learn their values

Figure out what your partner values most. Do they value:

• people, connection, relationship and time with people most?
• tasks, performance and getting things done most?
• things, property, money, art or inventing most?
• ideas, principles, education and knowledge most?

Each of us leans a little more toward one of these value systems, and when you know yours and your partner's, you will understand what motivates them and what fills them up. This could help you understand why your spouse needs the house clean and perfect and gets so irritated when it's not, or why they have such a strong need to be right about their views. Understanding that your value systems are different, but equal (meaning no system is better, they are just different) means you can honor the way they are wired and they can honor you.

The reason couples have the same fight over and over, is because that one issue is the one that triggers both of your core fears. When your core fears get triggered your very worst behavior comes out, and that usually perfectly triggers even more of your partner's fear. It quickly becomes a vicious cycle.

The couples I work with find the solution is very simple: Become the cure, not the cause, of their fear. Learn how to make them feel safe with you and you can talk through anything.

I also recommend a time-out rule that works like this: If either of you feels they are getting triggered and ego is showing up, you can call time out. You both agree to stop, not say another word, and walk away until you can get balanced and in trust and love again. Then you can continue the discussion. Give that a try.

You can do this. 

This was first published on ksl.com

Question:

I read your recent article about dating and changing the way you felt about past experiences to help you get brave enough to get out there. My problem is that I am getting older and dating just hasn’t worked and it’s been exhausting and discouraging, so I have reached a point where I have decided not to care anymore. I am focusing on being a happy single person and building a great life alone. I wonder sometimes if this is driven by fear of trying anymore. Is this a healthy mindset to stop looking and give up? I think it would be great to find someone, but I refuse to go anywhere or do anything about it, because it just makes me less happy. What do you think on this? Which mindset is better for single people to have?

Answer:

My answer is, it depends. There is no right answer across the board for all single people. What is right for you, might be wrong for someone else, because the life journey that would serve your education best, is different than the right one for another.

I have had times when I felt that focusing on my own growth, instead of dating, was right for me. During this time, if I tried to date it wouldn't work, absolutely, nothing would happen, because I wasn’t supposed to be there. I have had other times when my intuition nudged me to get out there and date. You are the only one entitled to know what your right mindset and path should be, right now. So, you have to look inside yourself for the answer.

This also applies to people who are struggling in their marriage and trying to figure out if divorce is right for them, or people who are debating whether to keep a job or start a business. The answers for you, have to come from you. You must avoid letting other people tell you what they would do or think is right for you (and many will have opinions). Your gut feeling is the only thing that matters

We each have what I call an “inner GPS” that nudges us towards the perfect classroom journey for us. These nudges don’t always lead to the easiest or most painless paths. The right path for you might be a difficult, painful one, but it’s still right, because it will teach you the lessons you need.

The trick is learning to listen to your “inner GPS” and trusting it. Here are a couple suggestions that will make trusting yourself easier:

1. Make sure you are choosing to trust your value can’t change. No matter what happens, you will still have the same intrinsic worth as everyone else. So, there is no failure on the table at all. This will clear out fears that can get in the way of feeling what your gut is telling you.
2. Make sure you choose to trust you are safe in the world and the universe is on your side and constantly conspiring to education and grow you. Trusting this will also clear out fears that get in the way of feeling your intuition.
3. Think the question over, looking at all the options and factors involved. (You could use the free Value Decisions Worksheet link in my byline) to help you do this. Notice which options feel scariest and sit with them in trust about your value and your journey again. If there was nothing to fear and you could move forward feeling worthy and safe, which option would you choose?
4. Make the decision (though don’t act on it yet). Try the option on for a few hours or days assuming that is your final answer.
5. Pay attention to how you feel. If you are headed the right way, you will feel peaceful, calm and safe.
6. If you are headed the wrong way, you will feel irritated, anxious, unsettled in it. If you are on the wrong path your inner GPS won’t leave you along. It will keep nudging you, much like your actual GPS does when you didn’t make the right turn. If you are on the wrong path, those nudges will even get stronger and may feel like a two-by-four to the head.
7. If you are getting a no feeling – choose the other option and try it on for a few days. See if you can get peaceful now. You could still have some fear in play though, so keep choosing to trust you are safe too.

In your situation, with dating being the question, I would tell you to watch for nudges. If you keep getting invited to events where you could meet people, and you keep feeling like you should go, that is a nudge. If you feel peaceful staying home and off dating sites, and there are no nudges coming, you are probably on the right track. For single people,

I generally recommend being so in trust about your value and your journey that you could be happy either way. You should be so happy on your own that you don’t need a partner to complete you, but you also should not be scared at all to date and meet people.

Stay in trust that if you supposed to be in a relationship, your inner GPS will nudge you towards it right on time. It isn’t going to let you miss a critical turn. The universe has you safe, knows what lessons you need next and wants you to live with joy and fulfillment all the time, no matter your situation. Trust this and you will find the right path for you.

You can do this. 

Coach Kim Giles is a sought after relationship coach who helps couples and individuals improve themselves and their quality of life. You can get a Value Decisions Worksheet and a healthy dating mindset worksheet at www.claritypointcoaching.com

This was first published on ksl.com
Question:

I went through a horrible divorce many years ago and it made me feel unwanted and unloved. I can’t seem to get past those feelings, and because of that I am not dating or trying to meet anyone. I think it’s a combination of being afraid, thinking I am not good enough, and being afraid of rejection. Is there anything I can do to get past those fears and move on?

Answer:

There are some things you can do that would help you move forward and feel more courageous about dating. But before we get to that, I want to explain how our past experiences create beliefs, mental rules or policies that dictate our behavior in the future.

This process started when you were a small child and everything you saw or experienced created ideas and beliefs about who you are and how you fit in the world. But it's possible that many of these conclusions may not have been accurate.

It sounds like the divorce also prompted you to make some new beliefs about your value and relationships. You may have drawn conclusions that the rejection meant you aren’t good enough to deserve love. This isn’t a fact, though; it’s just a belief (or a subconscious policy or rule) you may have applied to the event.

The good news is while you can’t go back and change what happened, you can go back and change what it meant. This is where "time travel" comes in. You have the ability to visualize when you went through that experience and choose a different meaning around it. You can also change the beliefs it created.

To change the meaning of some of your past experiences, find some quiet time when you won't be interrupted and follow these steps:

1. Close your eyes and go back to the situation when you created these assumptions or beliefs about your value or your life. Sit in that place for a while and really feel the feelings that show up. What are the exact conclusions you drew at this time? How did you feel because of these conclusions? After you sit with that for a little while, stop and write the conclusions or beliefs down on paper. What meaning did you apply to the event?

2. Look at those beliefs and write down the ways those beliefs have served you or protected you. You may have held onto them because they served you in some way.

3. Now, think about what these beliefs have cost you. Write down all the damage they have done and how they have negatively affected your life.

4. Ask yourself, are these beliefs worth the cost or would you like to change them?

5. If you think your life would be better if you changed these limiting beliefs, what would you like to believe instead? How would you like to feel about yourself? How would you like to feel about your life?

6. If it would serve you to change these beliefs, try applying new meaning to the event in your past and choose new beliefs to draw from it.

Here's how to do this:

• Choose to believe that all humans have the same value no matter what happens to them. This means this event didn’t make you less than other people. It didn’t change your value at all.
• Choose to see this event as part of a perfect classroom experience that was in your life to help you learn and grow. Bad things also prompt growth, and you have the option to see this event as something to serve your growth if you want to. This would mean it was just a lesson experience and has no power to change your value or influence your worth.
• Can you think of 10 positives this experience has created in your life? How might it have been a blessing and made you stronger, wiser or more loving?
• If you chose to see this experience (your divorce, in this case) as something to help you grow, and if it doesn’t change your value or mean anything about who you are, how would you feel about it? How does it make you feel if the event doesn't affect your value or mean anything permanent about you?
• What would be some better beliefs, conclusions, or policies you could take from the event? You have to choose what everything means; and if you don’t consciously choose meaning, you will subconsciously choose meaning. So, I suggest choosing some meanings that make you feel better about yourself and your life. Take some time to write these new conclusions and beliefs down.

7. Now it’s time for some more time travel. Close your eyes again and go back to that time in your mind. This time apply the new meaning or beliefs and process the event with these new conclusions. Use your imagination to experience the event again with new beliefs. Spend some time here really feeling the new feelings that come from applying the new meanings.

8. Take some time to write down how you are going to choose to feel and process present experiences in light of the new meanings around the past that you have chosen.

You may want to repeat this process a few times, because the more you do it the more you will internalize your new chosen beliefs. According to the neuroscientist, Beau Lotto, in his book Deviate, your brain doesn’t know the difference between fantasy and reality. So, when you use visualization and process events in a more healthy way, you actually get the same benefits you would if you had really had the experience that way.

You may also have more courage to start dating if you choose to trust that your value is the same as everyone else’s, whether someone likes you or not, and trust in the universe that the right person will like you when the time is right.

You can do this. 

Coach Kim Giles is a master life coach, speaker, and author of three books. Coach Kim offers help and resources that fit any budget. Learn more at www.claritypointcoaching.com and www.12shapes,com