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This was first published on ksl.com
I read your recent article about dating and changing the way you felt about past experiences to help you get brave enough to get out there. My problem is that I am getting older and dating just hasn’t worked and it’s been exhausting and discouraging, so I have reached a point where I have decided not to care anymore. I am focusing on being a happy single person and building a great life alone. I wonder sometimes if this is driven by fear of trying anymore. Is this a healthy mindset to stop looking and give up? I think it would be great to find someone, but I refuse to go anywhere or do anything about it, because it just makes me less happy. What do you think on this? Which mindset is better for single people to have?
My answer is, it depends. There is no right answer across the board for all single people. What is right for you, might be wrong for someone else, because the life journey that would serve your education best, is different than the right one for another.
I have had times when I felt that focusing on my own growth, instead of dating, was right for me. During this time, if I tried to date it wouldn't work, absolutely, nothing would happen, because I wasn’t supposed to be there. I have had other times when my intuition nudged me to get out there and date. You are the only one entitled to know what your right mindset and path should be, right now. So, you have to look inside yourself for the answer.
This also applies to people who are struggling in their marriage and trying to figure out if divorce is right for them, or people who are debating whether to keep a job or start a business. The answers for you, have to come from you. You must avoid letting other people tell you what they would do or think is right for you (and many will have opinions). Your gut feeling is the only thing that matters
We each have what I call an “inner GPS” that nudges us towards the perfect classroom journey for us. These nudges don’t always lead to the easiest or most painless paths. The right path for you might be a difficult, painful one, but it’s still right, because it will teach you the lessons you need.
The trick is learning to listen to your “inner GPS” and trusting it. Here are a couple suggestions that will make trusting yourself easier:
In your situation, with dating being the question, I would tell you to watch for nudges. If you keep getting invited to events where you could meet people, and you keep feeling like you should go, that is a nudge. If you feel peaceful staying home and off dating sites, and there are no nudges coming, you are probably on the right track. For single people,
I generally recommend being so in trust about your value and your journey that you could be happy either way. You should be so happy on your own that you don’t need a partner to complete you, but you also should not be scared at all to date and meet people.
Stay in trust that if you supposed to be in a relationship, your inner GPS will nudge you towards it right on time. It isn’t going to let you miss a critical turn. The universe has you safe, knows what lessons you need next and wants you to live with joy and fulfillment all the time, no matter your situation. Trust this and you will find the right path for you.
You can do this.
Coach Kim Giles is a sought after relationship coach who helps couples and individuals improve themselves and their quality of life. You can get a Value Decisions Worksheet and a healthy dating mindset worksheet at www.claritypointcoaching.com
This was first published on ksl.com
I went through a horrible divorce many years ago and it made me feel unwanted and unloved. I can’t seem to get past those feelings, and because of that I am not dating or trying to meet anyone. I think it’s a combination of being afraid, thinking I am not good enough, and being afraid of rejection. Is there anything I can do to get past those fears and move on?
There are some things you can do that would help you move forward and feel more courageous about dating. But before we get to that, I want to explain how our past experiences create beliefs, mental rules or policies that dictate our behavior in the future.
This process started when you were a small child and everything you saw or experienced created ideas and beliefs about who you are and how you fit in the world. But it's possible that many of these conclusions may not have been accurate.
It sounds like the divorce also prompted you to make some new beliefs about your value and relationships. You may have drawn conclusions that the rejection meant you aren’t good enough to deserve love. This isn’t a fact, though; it’s just a belief (or a subconscious policy or rule) you may have applied to the event.
The good news is while you can’t go back and change what happened, you can go back and change what it meant. This is where "time travel" comes in. You have the ability to visualize when you went through that experience and choose a different meaning around it. You can also change the beliefs it created.
To change the meaning of some of your past experiences, find some quiet time when you won't be interrupted and follow these steps:
1. Close your eyes and go back to the situation when you created these assumptions or beliefs about your value or your life. Sit in that place for a while and really feel the feelings that show up. What are the exact conclusions you drew at this time? How did you feel because of these conclusions? After you sit with that for a little while, stop and write the conclusions or beliefs down on paper. What meaning did you apply to the event?
2. Look at those beliefs and write down the ways those beliefs have served you or protected you. You may have held onto them because they served you in some way.
3. Now, think about what these beliefs have cost you. Write down all the damage they have done and how they have negatively affected your life.
4. Ask yourself, are these beliefs worth the cost or would you like to change them?
5. If you think your life would be better if you changed these limiting beliefs, what would you like to believe instead? How would you like to feel about yourself? How would you like to feel about your life?
6. If it would serve you to change these beliefs, try applying new meaning to the event in your past and choose new beliefs to draw from it.
Here's how to do this:
8. Take some time to write down how you are going to choose to feel and process present experiences in light of the new meanings around the past that you have chosen.
You may want to repeat this process a few times, because the more you do it the more you will internalize your new chosen beliefs. According to the neuroscientist, Beau Lotto, in his book Deviate, your brain doesn’t know the difference between fantasy and reality. So, when you use visualization and process events in a more healthy way, you actually get the same benefits you would if you had really had the experience that way.
You may also have more courage to start dating if you choose to trust that your value is the same as everyone else’s, whether someone likes you or not, and trust in the universe that the right person will like you when the time is right.
You can do this.
Coach Kim Giles is a master life coach, speaker, and author of three books. Coach Kim offers help and resources that fit any budget. Learn more at www.claritypointcoaching.com and www.12shapes,com
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These articles were originally published on KSL.COM
Kimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio.