Question:

I really enjoy your weekly columns on KSL.com. I read last week's article about dealing with criticism and found it very insightful. This article was addressed to the person on the receiving end of the criticism. If I may, I'd like to suggest another article with the critical person as the target audience. How can one start facing those core fears and stop being critical?

Answer:

The first step to changing your negative behavior is to get conscious of how you are behaving and why. There is always a reason (or a payoff you are getting) for behaving this way. It is the real reason you do it. Once you can see clearly why you do it and what triggers it, you then have the power to catch yourself and choose something better.

Neuroscientists tell us that our subconscious programing is the real problem behind most of our behavior problems. Somewhere along the line (usually in childhood) you learned this bad behavior and thought it was a good thing (a win on some level) and so you have continued to do it.

Dr. David Krueger said, “Behavioral patterns and belief systems downloaded especially from parents in the first years of life become automatic... Neuroscientists estimate that about 95% of our behaviors and core beliefs are pre-programmed in the subconscious mind, operating on autopilot.”

The ideas, beliefs or behavior patterns we learn in childhood become the rules that dictate the way we respond to life and the world, even if they are ineffective and relationship damaging. Eric Berne M.D. published an interesting book on this subject, back in 1964, called Games People Play. It this book he describes these subconscious rituals or behavior patterns as games.

You can recognize a psychological game because it is a slightly manipulative or self-serving behavior and includes a selfish maneuver to get a payoff, which makes the game worth playing. I believe this payoff is mostly about the quieting your core fear of failure or loss. Most of the time you are trying to quiet your fear of failure and shame.

In last week’s article I mentioned the Shame and Blame Game. This is the one you are playing if you are critical and quick to judge other people. On the outside you may just look like a negative person, but it’s really about looking for faults in others so you can shift your shame (fear of not being good enough) onto someone else. The more bad you see or point out in others, the more your own shame is lessened. When you cast them as the bad guy, it makes you the good guy. At least that is what you think will happen. In reality putting other people down only makes you feel better temporarily, because focusing on their shame doesn’t really take yours away. It just distracts you for a minute.

Here are some other psychological games you might have learned as a child and still play as an adult:

The Self-Pity Card Game: This happens when someone calls you on some bad behavior and you immediately (subconsciously) play the self-pity card, asking them to excuse your bad behavior and feel sorry for you. You may say things like, “It is just that everything is going wrong for me right now, I’m having a horrible day, I have no friends, or I’m just so depressed that's why I behaved badly.” You basically use self-pity to manipulate your way out of being responsible for your behavior.

The downside to this game (and all games) is eventually people will lose respect for you and in the end, feeling pity towards you isn’t love.

The Sympathy Card Game: This happens when you constantly talk about how bad you have it or how terrible you are. This is a subconscious game to get validation or reassurance from other people. People play this game on Facebook when they leave posts like “Worst Day Ever” but they don’t leave an explanation about what happened. They do this because they are subconsciously making people prove they care enough to ask. This game is a subtle and immature way to get love and attention.

It’s Their Fault That I Can’t… Game: This game is about blaming someone else for making it impossible for you to do something you really should be doing. The payoff here is this gives you a great excuse for not being who you should be. “It’s my husband’s fault that I don’t eat healthy and keep gaining weight. I just can’t get him to stop eating junk food, so it’s what I have to buy.”

I’m so Overwhelmed: If you constantly talk about how overworked, tired, and overwhelmed you are, you might be playing this game. You might even subconsciously take on too much, to make sure you stay in this state. There are a lot of payoffs with this game. You have a good excuse to turn down anything you don’t want to do. You get validation from what a hard worker you are and you get to use the self-pity card to excuse your bad behavior. You may be subconsciously choosing to feel terrible and overburdened all the time, because these payoffs are so desirable.

You Don’t Love Me: This is a common game in many marriages where one or both parties are looking for proof (in the other’s behavior) that they aren’t really loved, liked, wanted or appreciated. If you are subconsciously looking for evidence that your spouse doesn’t love you, you will find it. You will find whatever you are trying to find. It won’t necessarily be accurate though.

When your wife is too tired for sex it probably has more to do with her chasing small children all day, giving too much without taking care of herself, or her own body or sexuality issues. It may not be because she doesn’t love you. But if you are playing the You Don’t Love Me game, the goal here is to gather evidence that makes her the bad guy so you (by default) are the victim and good guy. This is about gathering evidence about who loves who less, so you can cast her as the bad one and thereby win the game.

Wives may also look for mean or disrespectful comments as proof they aren’t loved, thereby also giving them an excuse not to have sex or be loving to him - since he doesn’t really love her. The payoff here is that you gets to behave badly (be unloving) and then blame the other person for it. This game will destroy your marriage if you don’t wake up and stop it.

The good news is - You have the power to change your behavior!

You can wake up and choose more accurate, loving, mature behavior. You may also want to take the free Fear Assessmenton my website. It will show you some of your subconscious behavior patterns on paper and this will be a good first step to discovering your subconscious patterns.

Then, you can start by questioning why you are behaving the way you are. Why are you behaving this way? What are you afraid of? What is the behavior giving you? What is the payoff? How could you subconsciously see this bad behavior as a win? What is this behavior really going to create in your life? Is this what you really want?

What do you really want? What kind of person do you want to be? What are the core values or principles you believe in and want to live by? Asking and answering these questions will get you started. Once you identify the behavior you can start watching for it and choosing something better. If you have a hard time seeing your negative behavior or knowing how to change it, you may want to get some professional help.

You also need to work on your self-esteem and learn how to escape your subconscious fears. I have written many articles on this subject and you can find them all here on KSL.com.

You can do this!

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness." She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night.

Question:

My mother is a very critical, judgmental person. She always has something negative to say about everything I do and everyone we know. I’m often embarrassed for her because of how quick she is to see the bad in people, and I’m really tired of being on the receiving end of her criticisms. It’s been hard to have a mother (who should love and accept me most) be so negative. Is there anything I can do about this? I’ve tried to talk to her about it but she gets really offended and attacks me for my faults. She thinks she is perfect.

Answer:

First, you must understand why she is behaving this way.

We could all use a better understanding of human nature and why people do what they do. This knowledge will help us to see situations accurately and handle them more appropriately.

Here are some basic universal principles of truth regarding human behavior that it would serve us all to learn.

1. Everyone on this planet is scared to death. 
2. They are primarily scared of two core things: failure and loss. (They are scared of looking bad and being taken from.) This means they are constantly on the lookout for insults or mistreatment and are quick to be offended by anything that could be construed as either.
3. These fears play out in our subconscious programming and are responsible for 95 percent of our behavior. This means most of the time we don’t know what we are doing or why.
4. Being driven by fear produces a lot of selfish, negative, bad behavior. Fear keeps you focused on yourself. It makes you incapable of showing up for others. Most people are functioning in this state most of the time.
5. Fear also makes us see other people as different from us, which means we see them as either better than us or worse than us. We would subconsciously prefer to see them as worse than us so our subconscious mind looks for the bad in them (casting them as the bad guy) which we think makes us the good one. I call this the Shame and Blame Game.

You must understand how the Shame and Blame Game works so you can accurately see when you are playing it and stop yourself and so you can stop getting offended when other people play it.

This is the bottom line, the more shame you experience (fear that you aren’t good enough) the more you will subconsciously focus on the bad in others (blame) to distract you from your fear.

Your mother is negative because she is scared to death. I would guess from your description that she is has a lot of fear around not being good enough. She may even have some subconscious self-hate going on. This is why she looks for the bad in everyone around her. Her ego actually thinks this will make her feel better, which it doesn’t.

I feel bad for her living in all that fear and negativity. It must be an awful place to live. She may also have fears of loss and be easily offended by anyone who makes her feel cheated or taken from. Does she get overly offended if someone cuts in line? Or cuts her off in traffic? Or has things she doesn’t have? Does she hate feeling put out or walked on? She may suffer badly from both core fears.

You also want to check yourself for being easily offended by insults or mistreatment. We all do it to some degree, but is it a real sensitive issue for you?

I hope understanding the Shame and Blame Game helps you to get conscious about this behavior and have more compassion for her. I hope you can see that her criticisms say more about her than they say about you. This is another important principle of human behavior.

6. Most bad behavior is about the person’s fears about themselves. It is not about you. They may be projecting it at you and casting you as the bad guy, but it is really about their shame.

People without shame, don’t need to see the bad in others. As a matter of fact, they usually don’t see it at all. People with good self-esteem are more likely to see the good in others than the bad. I want you to understand this so you won’t take your mothers criticism personally.

The reason your mother attacks you if you even hint that she is anything less than perfect is that she is so scared she isn’t good enough, she can’t handle hearing anything that might confirm that. People with low self-esteem can’t handle feedback, it’s too painful.

So how do you deal with difficult people like this?

• Get wise and clear about why they behave this way.

• Get a thick skin and choose not to take anything she says personally. It’s about her fear, it’s not about your inadequacies.

• If you can’t get strong enough to be around her and not let her words hurt you, then avoid her as much as possible. You don’t have to subject yourself to abuse. (It would be best if you could be strong enough to be around her and not get offended, but if you can’t do that yet, then staying away is OK.)

• Have a very loving, validating conversation with her. Tell her you love her and you understand why she is critical, but you are not OK with being treated that way, and if it doesn’t change you are going to limit your time around her. You must see her as the same as you when you say this. (You aren’t perfect either and you aren't better than her). You must say this from a place of love, respect and accuracy. If you don’t know how to have a mutually validating conversation with someone, go to my website and download the worksheet on how to do it from the resources page.

• Use the encouragement technique. Start telling your mother what a wonderful, positive person she is and that she never says an unkind word about anyone and is so positive and encouraging to you. (This is not lying because she has the potential inside her to be this kind of person.) If you tell her this often enough, she may decide she wants to live up to your high opinion of her. She may start seeing herself as this kind of person and change her behavior. It's worth a try.

First and foremost, watch your own behavior for the Shame and Blame Game. We all unconsciously do it at times. Remember when you judge or criticize another person, it says more about your own insecurities than is says about them.

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain, but it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving."—Dale Carnegie

You can do this! 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness." She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night.

Question:

My husband is struggling at work and, frankly, everywhere else. He is constantly bothered by things people say and do. He is always afraid his performance isn’t good enough. His self-esteem isn’t good and he is almost always frustrated and offended by something. He seems to have lost himself and in some ways he is giving up. I don’t know if there is anything I can do to help him (or advice you could really give me) but I thought it worth a try. I’d do anything to see him happier.

Answer:

He has fallen into fear and drifting and doesn’t know how to get himself out. This happens to most of us at some point in our life. You may be in an unhappy marriage, but not doing much to change it or fix it. Instead you might be living around each other, carrying years of resentment and being slightly passive aggressive. You may be in fear at work, doing just enough to get by, but not going anywhere.

You may be just generally unhappy with yourself and life, but can’t see a way to change it. I call this state — stuck in fear drifting. I got that term from Napoleon Hill and his amazing book "Outwitting the Devil."

He says that drifters are the people who dwell in fear and neglect to use their minds to choose their way out. He explains that drifters let other people and situations influence their emotions and they mindlessly react to life with the same old patterns over and over.

He claims that 98 percent of us fall into that category.

“People who think for themselves never drift, while those who do little or no thinking for themselves are drifters. A drifter is one who permits himself to be influenced and controlled by circumstances outside of his own mind… A drifter accepts whatever life throws in his way without making a protest or putting up a fight. He doesn’t know what he wants from life and spends all of his time getting just that.”

“People who think accurately do not drift on any subject. They recognize the power of their own minds. Moreover, they take over that power and yield it to no person or influence” says Hill.

Everyone experiences hard times, failures, embarrassments and mistakes. They are part of the classroom of life, but drifters let those disappointments and failures stop them. They let the fear of failure (the fear of not being good enough) convince them it’s safer to stop trying, stretching and shooting high, that it’s safer to pull back and stay where you are. When you set your sights high you are usually disappointed and you could embarrass yourself.

Take a minute and honestly assess if you are making plans and setting goals to get what you want out of life — or just drifting through?

Napoleon Hill also wrote the famous book, "Think and Grow Rich," one of the bestsellers of all time. In this book he lays out his research on creating success in life. One of the amazing things he discovered interviewing the most successful people of his day was that all of them had experienced great failures and set-backs. Every one without exception had experienced discouraging losses. The difference was their “capacity to surmount failure without being discouraged.” This was “the chief asset of every man who attained outstanding success in any calling.”

These people learned to use their minds to choose how they were going to experience those setbacks. They understood they had control over how those failures affected their value and what losses meant. They learned how to see themselves, other people and situations accurately (without fear of not being good enough in the way). They were people with defined purpose who set goals, believed in themselves and didn’t let any situation or person stop them. They understood the classroom of life gives you problems, but it also provides solutions.

Hill said, “There is a solution for every legitimate problem no matter how difficult the problem may seem.” But the solution won’t just be handed to you. You are going to have to fight, work, learn and stretch to find it. The important point though is that it is there — and you are meant to find it. The universe doesn’t want you to stay stuck and unhappy — ever. It wants you to learn and grow and change your life. Answers and solutions to your problems are available right now!

Here are some suggestions for breaking free from drifting:

1. Learn how to escape your fear of failure. This is the number one fear that holds you back in life and it can be beaten by adopting the belief that life is a classroom, not a test, and your value isn’t on the line. Decide to see your value as infinite and absolute, which means failure isn’t even a possibility. You can learn lessons, but you cannot fail — at least you have the option of seeing life this way if you want to.
2. Learn how to escape your fear of loss. You can do this by choosing to trust that there is divine order in the Universe and everything happens to serve your process of growth. This means that even losses are there to serve you. Choose to trust the process of life and experience everything as a lesson.
3. Make a procedure for processing failures and defeats in a healthy, positive way. Decide to see these experiences as lessons which do not affect your value at all.
4. Get control of your thinking and do not allow negative, judgmental, critical, self-deprecating thoughts. Make rules against them. Instead, choose to focus on gratitude, hope, optimism, love and generosity. When you live from this place, more good things happen to you.
5. Do your own thinking and have second thoughts about all your automatic reactions and emotions. Learn how to step back and think through a situation clearly. There is a great Clarity Questions Worksheet available on my website to help you learn to do this. Hill said, “The only thing of enduring value to any human being is a working knowledge of his own mind.” You may need to seek some professional help in understanding how your mind works and how to control it. I highly recommend you do this if you have been drifting.
6. You need to learn how to be a giver and create more value everywhere you go. Hill said, “Be willing to render useful service equivalent to the value of all the material things you demand of life, and render the service first.” Figure out how you can give more. Give more value in your marriage, your friendships, at work and at home. Be an active giver and the universe will return amazing gifts back to you.
7. You need to decide what you want from your life, from your marriage, your work, your friendships, etc. Clearly define exactly what you want each part of your life to look like. If you don’t have this clear picture laid out on paper, you can’t create it. Don’t just ride along and hope you end up somewhere good.
8. You need to get more solution focused than problem focused. Hill said, “The time people spend fearing, if reversed, would give them all they want in the material world.” Get a piece of paper and brainstorm 50 possible solutions to your current problem. Don’t stop until you come up with 50. Let yourself get out of the box and even be silly (it aids your creativity).
9. Remember you have far greater ability and potential than you realize. Hill said that your only “limitations are those which you have set up or permitted others to establish in your own mind.” Stop letting things you have thought or heard about yourself in the past stop you.

People who fight for success instead of drifting have definite policies (rules defining how they see themselves and life), definite plans (about what they want in every area of their life) and a determination and trust they can get there. These three things are available to every person. All you have to do is consciously, clearly, choose them.

If you are having trouble with how to choose them, you may want to find a coach or counselor to help you. I would also highly recommend reading Napoleon Hills books, "Outwitting the Devil" and "Think and Grow Rich."

You can do this! 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness. She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night.

Question:

I’m seriously overwhelmed and discouraged. No matter how hard I work, the list of all the things I’m not doing or not doing good enough is longer than the list of things I do. I feel like I’m failing and can’t see light at the end of the tunnel. There are just not enough hours in the day, and I’m tired of feeling like a failure. Any advice for me?

Answer:

You are not alone on this one. Trying to do it all and perfectly should be our state motto. When you have internal pressure to be perfect along with unrealistic expectations about what you need to accomplish, discouragement, depression and low self-esteem are inevitable. Perfect isn’t possible, and you simply can’t do it all.

Here are some suggestions that might help:

1. Make a list of everything you want to accomplish in a week and also write down how much time each of those tasks takes. Then start plugging those into a calendar and see how unrealistic your list is. Are there enough hours in a day to do everything you think you have to do?
2. Go through the list and figure out what are your top priorities. What could you drop out or get out of? You can’t do it all. It is time to take some tasks off your plate (I will explain how you do this without guilt below). Some things may need to wait for a different season of your life.
3. Most of our suffering comes from our expectations of what things “should” look like. This expectation is something you made up or accepted as fact in your own head. This means you have the power to change your mind and you must change it. You must lower your standards a little and know your value will be the same. (Remember your value is infinite and absolute and doesn’t change based on how much you do.) Life is a classroom, not a test, so dropping some things (so you can have more peace and joy) won’t affect your value. I believe you are better off doing less, but doing it with joy and peace. (Don’t be lazy and drift through life, of course, just be realistic about what is enough.)
4. Don’t work off a “To Do List.” These kind of lists will overwhelm you. While you are working on one thing, you feel like everything on the list is hanging over your head too. Instead, plug tasks into a calendar (employing actual time management) on the day and time you are going to do them. Then you only have to worry about one thing at a time.
5. Don’t try to multitask. Doing numerous things at once means doing none of them well, and it creates added stress. Instead, set aside time to focus on one thing and then later the other. I used to try to cook while helping kids with homework. All this created was unhappy kids and a burned dinner. Plan your schedule to focus on one thing at a time.
6. Make sure you plan “Self Care Time” and block it out on your schedule every week. If you don’t do this, you will soon have nothing left to give. You will also start to resent your family because your needs aren’t met. Set aside time to take care of your physical, mental and spiritual health. Make all of these a priority. Don’t feel guilty or selfish doing them, either — you are teaching your children to value themselves. You are also taking care of yourself so you have more to give them. Love your neighbor as yourself, not “instead” of yourself.
7. Set aside a few minutes a day for quiet time and meditate or pray. Learning to calm yourself and focus on gratitude does you wonders.
8. Forgive yourself quickly for all the things you don’t get done — because for some reason this day was your perfect journey today. Learn the lessons it can teach you and possibly do things different next time, but don’t waste one minute in regret, guilt or shame — they don’t serve you or anyone else in any way. Guilt, shame and regret are fear over something you can’t change. Make a policy against dwelling there.
9. Check yourself to make sure you aren’t using being overwhelmed as an excuse to get out of things as a way to get sympathy love, or to make you feel validated for what a hard worker you are. You could be subconsciously choosing to stay overwhelmed if it’s benefiting you to stay there. Take stock of what feeling overwhelmed is costing you, too. See if you wouldn’t respect yourself more for being strong, peaceful and calm instead. Remember that you control the weather inside your head. Feeling overwhelmed is a choice. You can choose to feel safe, good enough and happy if you want to.
10. Stop comparing yourself with others. No one else on this planet got signed up for the same classes here (in life) as you did. This means that you can never compare yourself with anyone else. This may mean getting off Pinterest or other social media if they trigger your tendency to compare. Remember that your value is the same no matter what other people do.
11. Be flexible. Life is going to throw challenges, bumps and U-turns at you. Don’t get bent out of shape when your plans get turned upside down. Roll with it. Trust the process of life. There is divine order in the universe, and your life is no exception. Trust that whatever comes, it is there to serve you in some way. Trusting life at this level will bring much more peace.
12. Choose joy. You have the power to choose your attitude in every moment. We learned this from Viktor Frankl, who was a prisoner in the concentration camps during World War II. If he could choose an attitude of trust and love in his situation, you can too. It may take some practice, though.

You have the power to fight the fears of inadequacy and failure that show up in your head. They are just thoughts (that come from your voice of fear, ego side). You have the power to tell that voice to shut up and consciously choose to feel safe and good enough right now. This is the part I can’t do for you, though. You alone have the power to determine how you will feel moment by moment.

Napoleon Hill (author of "Outwitting the Devil”) said, “Human being are given complete control over nothing save the power to think their own thoughts.”

I believe this is truth. When everything else feels out of control, you can control your thoughts. You can choose to feel peaceful, unburdened, safe, loved, valued and good enough. You also should work on your time management skills and get more organized, but without control over your fear-based thoughts that won’t be enough. You must choose your way out of fear. You might want to seek out a professional to help you learn how.

Keep working on these principles and you can do it! 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness." She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night.

Question:

My spouse and I have struggled with marriage problems for years and years. I have begged to go to therapy or counseling but my spouse refuses to let anyone know we are struggling and not perfect. It’s like she would rather get divorced than admit we need help. What can I do? Why are people so reluctant to ask for help?

Answer:

I’m so glad you asked this question. Just last week, Matt Townsend and I were discussing why so many couples wait until their marriages are hanging by a thread before they seek professional help. At this point awful things have been said and done, and it’s much more difficult to repair the relationship. It breaks our hearts that they don’t ask for help sooner. If you would seek out help at the first sign of trouble, repairing the relationship would be a hundred times easier and you could save yourself years of suffering.

If you didn't do that, the best time to ask for help is today.

Ask your spouse if she would be open to at least read this article and consider changing her mind.

People are reluctant to admit they need help because somewhere in the course of their life they picked up an inaccurate idea (policy) around what it means to ask for help. Here are some common fear-based policies they might have learned in childhood. See if any of them sound familiar:

• You shouldn’t be a burden on others. You must handle things alone.
• If you ask for help, you will bother people and they won’t like you.
• You have to be perfect at everything or you aren’t good enough.
• If you admit you need help, you are weak and people will lose respect for you.
• You should be independent. If you need anything from others you are inadequate.
• You should be able to figure things out on your own. If you can’t, something is wrong with you.
• You may be afraid of rejection, ridicule and/or losing the respect of others. (Were you ever ridiculed as a child for shortcomings? This experience may have created this fear.)
• You must impress other people or you are deficient or stupid.

These subconscious rules or policies feel like truth in your head. But they aren’t. You think they are serving you because they feel like they keep you safe from judgment or rejection, but they are costing you more than they're helping. You are protecting your ego’s need to impress other people, but you are suffering and miserable. Is it really worth it?

Refusing to ask for help can also create isolation and make you come across as arrogant. You are literally putting yourself above other people (the mere mortals who need help from other people). You are giving power to the idea that we should all be perfect from the beginning instead of struggling students in the classroom of life.

The truth is, we are students in the classroom of life. We are works in progress who at no point are ever going to be perfect and have it all figured out and not need any help from anyone else. There is no such thing as independence. We are all interdependent here. We all serve each other as teachers and students.

There is no shame in being the student on occasion. It is what you are meant to be. Learning is what you are here for. Have I shared with you my favorite definition for the word SHAME?

It is an acronym — Should Have Already Mastered Everything.

How ridiculous is that? You can’t know everything and be an expert at every dimension of living. That isn't possible. You must learn to be honest, genuine and vulnerable and admit you need help once in awhile. You must also remember that doing this does not affect your value.

Your value is infinite and absolute (it is not changeable or on the line because life is a classroom, not a test). This means that whether you ask for help or not, your value is the same.

When you really understand this principle, it will take the fear of looking bad off the table. You will stop worrying about what others think and focus on learning and growing instead.

What you really want is to be a strong, wise person, right? But strong, wise people aren’t those who are trying to impress others with their perfectness. People who are trying to impress are actually terribly afraid they aren’t good enough, which is why they feel they have to impress. They think they must pretend to be perfect to even have value.

Real strong and wise people don’t need to pretend anything because they know their value is infinite either way. Real strong, wise people are basically fearless.

This means they have no fear of doing anything (or at least they know how to choose this mindset in any situation), which means they can ask for help, be vulnerable and even look stupid, and none of these experiences change how they feel about themselves.

Their value is the same regardless of what anyone thinks of them.

Strong people ask for help because they understand that in being real enough to admit they don’t know it all, they give other people permission to be imperfect (and still have infinite value) too. They make other people feel more accepted and honored despite their faults.

We all like people who are genuine and not trying to impress us.

Asking for help in front of your children is the only way to teach your children they have nothing to fear by asking questions and admitting they didn’t know it all. And this is a lesson you want your children to learn. Don’t pass on inaccurate fear-based policies to your kids.

Here are some ways you can ease into asking for help (and being more strong and wise):

• If others offer their help, accept. Give them a chance to serve you.
• Start asking for help but avoid asking people who scare you (you know what I mean) the people who are quick to judge or who treat you as less than them already. Find people you can trust to accept you, no matter what. Practice asking them for help, and choose to remember your value is the same the whole time.
• Practice exposing yourself to risk and being vulnerable. You may want to read "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown. It’s a great book on this topic. We would all benefit from having the courage to be vulnerable.
• Remember what other people think of you is irrelevant. You are the same exact you no matter what they think. Their opinions don’t mean anything and they can’t hurt you unless you let them. You are bulletproof.
• Remember, strength comes from fearlessness. Strong people ask for help more. It is weak people who are scared and don’t.
• Remember, every situation that shows up in your life is here to teach you something. This means that every problem you encounter is meant to be solved and the answers you need are meant to be found through someone around you. The universe can’t make you ask for their help, though. That part you must do on your own.
• Start giving more help to others. Look for opportunities to share what you know and help others solve their problems. While doing this make sure you see them as the same as you. You will see that you don’t lose respect for them because they asked. You might actually respect them more.
• Be fearless and step outside your comfort zone a little every day. Trust in your absolute value and your perfect classroom journey. Choose to focus on other people instead of yourself. This will make you feel safe even when taking a risk.
• Take some time and rewrite some new policies (based in trust) to replace the fear-based rules you have let drive your thinking before now.
  • Asking for help is not being a burden. I just give the person an out if they need it.
  • You don’t have to be perfect to be good enough. You are good enough all the time.
  • Strong, wise people ask for help and are respected for their strength.
  • No one is really independent. As human being we need each other, and it’s meant to be that way.
  • You don’t have to figure things out on your own. We are meant to help each other.
  • If you focus on impressing other people, they will feel your need to impress and lose respect for you. Just be yourself and own your flaws, people will respect you for it. It takes courage to be vulnerable.
  • Everyone needs professional advice once in awhile. We can’t all be experts at everything. Why suffer one minute longer when professional help is nearby.

Hope this helps.
You can do it! 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is also the author of the new book "CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness." She offers free coaching calls every Tuesday night.