Question:

I think I might have Facebook depression, because it seriously makes me feel bad about myself. I know I should just cancel my account, but I can’t get myself to do it. I keep looking at it, even though it is discouraging. Facebook feels like a big popularity contest where the person with the most friends and the most interesting life wins. Why can’t I just cancel my account and stop looking?

Answer:

You are not alone in this frustration. Facebook makes a lot of people feel depressed and inadequate. A study conducted bytwo German Universities found that Facebook created rampant envy and an unhealthy level of social comparison in many users — yet we can’t stop looking at it.

Most of us started using Facebook because we wanted a connection with other people, but for many it now feels like a competition where we must constantly prove our value and define our existence. There is no doubt life would be less stressful if you cancelled your social media accounts. You would get more done and spend less time comparing yourself with others, but we all get why you can’t do it.

You might miss something.

You probably have what is now being called FOMO: the Fear Of Missing Out. A recent JWT survey said 70 percent of adults have FOMO, and it causes a serious amount of stress for most of us.

Researchers at Edinburgh University said that one out of 10 Facebook users admit the site makes them anxious (and they feel an unhealthy amount of pressure to come up with inventive status updates and stay up to date on everyone's lives). But in spite of all of this, most people refuse to cancel their accounts.

The fear of loss is a powerful force.

You are afraid something important might happen and you would be out of the loop, but this fear shows up in other areas of life, too. It may compel you to record the new episode of your favorite show so you don’t miss it, even though your life would go on just fine if you missed it. You may buy things you don’t need if there is an amazing price for a limited time.

You could struggle with ordering in a restaurant because you are afraid you might miss something you would have liked better. You may stay uncommitted on your weekend plans because you want to check all the options before you commit. You might struggle with making all kinds of simple decisions because every choice means missing out on one of the options.

This fear could also cause problems in your relationships. You may hesitate to marry this girl or that boy because you might miss out on someone better who could come along later. But, if you don’t marry that person and decide to wait for a better one, you might regret that and wish you’d taken this one. (This is FOMO at work.)

Here are a couple suggestions for easing FOMO and having a healthy mindset on social media:

1. Make a rule against comparing yourself with other people. You cannot base your self-worth on how you compare to others. There will always be someone who has more friends, has more fun, and is more clever, witty and photogenic than you are. Switch your focus online to lifting, loving and encouraging other people instead. Also remember, there is no person on the planet who got signed up for the same classroom journey you have. You are a one-of-a-kind soul on a totally unique journey through life, and there is no level where comparing yourself to others serves you. We all have the same value. (If you struggle with this, consider getting some help from a coach or counselor to work on your self-esteem.)
2. Choose gratitude for every small blessing in your life. Start a gratitude journal or take some time every day to meditate on what’s right about who you are and what you have.
3. Trust that your choices are the right ones for you. Every time you make a decision, you are nudged by your gut in that direction. Trust that these nudges mean something. Whatever choice you make, it will create your perfect next lesson. Whatever you choose will be perfect.
4. Refuse to wallow in regret, because it’s a waste of energy. It does you no good whatsoever to waste today regretting a past decision you cannot change. Let it go and focus on today, the only place you have any control.
5. Put choices in perspective. If you miss the finale of your favorite show, is it really going to matter in the grand scheme of your life? If you order something for dinner you don’t love, does it really matter? If you miss a party because you weren’t on Facebook to see the invitation, is it the end of the world?
6. Accept that you are going to miss some things — and you will be fine. Missing some things doesn't change your value or diminish your life.
7. Limit the time you spend online. Get out and do things in the real world instead. Find some interests, hobbies or projects to do. Studies have shown that people are more happy when they are busy and active.
8. Remember life isn’t a contest, race or competition. Life is about learning and loving, so choose to focus on learning, growing and giving to others. You can’t experience fear when you are actively choosing love.
9. Remember that Facebook is not an accurate picture of real life. People only post the stuff that makes them look good. In real life everyone has struggles and problems. No one's life turns out the way they expect it to. Facebook is a PR campaign to sell the image of success and happiness; it is not the whole story of someone's life.

Keep an accurate mindset about life and people, and you will feel much better.

Hope this helps. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

My husband has many serious health problems that developed after we got married, and this is taken a huge toll on me. I have to work, take care of our house and our three children basically by myself. I guess I have become disillusioned with what I thought life would be like for me. He complains constantly and I am always tired. It is getting hard for me to be very excited about life. I want the spouse I married, but now things are so different and I have at least 50-plus years to go. What can I do to enjoy life again and make it through this?

Answer:

Everyone who reads this article will relate to you on some level, because most people are disappointed with their lives and tired of the problems. So what can you do to experience more joy and peace, if you can’t change your situation?

There is only one thing you can do. You can change your attitude about your situation by changing the way you see it. To see your current situation in a more positive way, you may have to change your policy on the purpose of your life.

Take a minute and think about what you currently see as the purpose and point of your life. You may think life is about being successful, being wealthy, proving your value to God or raising the perfect kids. These are worthy goals, but they aren’t your real purpose for being here.

You are primarily here to learn and grow. You are here to experience every aspect of the human condition and gain knowledge and empathy from these experiences. I believe every single thing that happens to you happens to serve your unique process of growing and learning. I believe your life is your perfect classroom. I do not believe in accidents. I believe that every situation in your life is a perfect part of your divine process of learning.

I developed this philosophy when studying the work of Viktor Frankl, the author of "Man’s Search for Meaning." In a concentration camp during World War II, experiencing unimaginable suffering, he discovered that a person can, through changing his attitude, change the way he experiences suffering. He said, "Emotion, which is suffering, ceases to be suffering as soon as we form a clear and precise picture of it."

You just need to see your situation in a different context. What if you are in this situation — with a sick husband — for a reason? What if it’s not bad luck that brought you here, but this situation was hand-created for your journey, because it would facilitate your growth?

If there was a reason for your suffering, you might feel differently about it.

I think this situation is helping you to become the person you are meant to be. I think it is forcing you to find out how strong you are. If life had given you a healthy husband, you would not be pushing yourself this hard and you would not be growing the way you are. On your own, you wouldn’t have stretched to become what this situation is forcing you to become.

I am sorry that the universe signed you up for this particular struggle, because it is a really difficult one — but I truly believe you are where you are supposed to be, and this situation is serving you in some way. I believe some day you are going to be proud of yourself for surviving this and becoming a better and stronger person in the process.

Frankl said, "I can see beyond the misery of the situation, to the potential for discovering a meaning behind it, and thus to turn apparently meaningless suffering into a genuine human achievement."

He was talking about you. Your struggle is not meaningless, and it is creating opportuntites for amazing growth.

I realize that this doesn’t make your days any easier to handle, though, so I would like to make one more suggestion:

Take it one small moment at a time.

Don’t focus on the weight of carrying this burden for the next 50-plus years today; that will crush you. Instead, focus on this moment and this moment only. Stay really present and let tomorrow, next month and next year go until you get there.

Have you heard the joke about how to eat an elephant? (One small bite at a time.) That is how you must approach your life when it is this difficult. Just make it through this moment or this hour. Focus on what is in your control right now. You can carry the weight of this moment fine. It is the weight of all the moments piled together that gets too heavy. Do not borrow suffering from the future and let it ruin today.

Do not let your thoughts get away from you. You have control over your thoughts. You can choose to focus on this moment and trust your future will be what it is meant to be, and you will handle it when you get there.

If this is really difficult to do (because you are really good at fear and discouragement), you may need a coach or counselor to help. That may be the very best advice I could give you. There are amazing tricks to healthy thinking you have not had the chance to learn, which could make a big difference.

I hope this helps. Hang in there! 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

I work in an office with mostly women, and the drama is driving me crazy. Everyone is constantly offended or complaining about something someone else did. One of the ladies has problems in her personal life, which make her extremely grouchy and condescending. If I take my concerns to our boss I would be seen as a whiner. Do you have any tips for dealing with the politics, drama and frustrations of working with all women?

Answer:

I’m so glad you asked this question, because human behavior in the workplace is my specialty. I recommend you ask your boss to do one of two things, either make everyone in the office read this article, or bring in some human behavior training for all employees. (This article can also help people who are prone to dramatic behavior at home.)

I believe a valuable employee is one who solves more problems at work than he creates. The question each of us must ask ourselves is “Do I solve problems and increase productivity in my office or do I create people problems with gossip, complaining, defensiveness and/or personal issues, which decrease productivity?” Be honest with yourself.

The real problem with drama is you can't always see what you’re doing. Most dramatic behavior is caused by subconscious thought processes you aren’t aware of. These thought processes developed when you were just a child trying to get love, validation and attention from your parents. You figured out pretty quickly that when you were hurt, scared or confused you could use those feelings to get attention. When you were sad, you could use that to get love. When you were mad, you could get validation about the injustice. Because these tactics worked, they became embedded as rules in your subconscious mind.

You may also subconsciously need drama to feel alive. Your life may feel empty if there isn’t something dramatic going on. Drama also gives you something to talk about, which makes you feel important. It creates excitement and makes the workday more interesting. You may subconsciously need life to feel like a soap opera.

The problem is, there is no room for a soap opera at work.

I recommend that everyone go through the following steps to eliminate drama and make sure you are handling yourself professionally.

1. Find another way to get validation, attention and love. This could mean finding a friend, counselor or coach to talk to. It could mean taking up a hobby that makes you feel important or feeds your need for adventure. When you create a more interesting and fulfilling life outside the office, it will lessen your need for drama in the office.
2. Look at problems from a long-range perspective. Try looking at problems from a bird’s eye view where you can see the problem up next to the whole course of your life. If you can distance yourself from this moment, you will see most problems aren’t a big deal and aren’t worth any drama.
3. Remember bad behavior is about the person’s fears about themselves — it is not about you. Even when they attack you, it isn’t really about you. Their bad behavior is about their fears of failure or loss. When people are afraid of being taken advantage of, or feel their value is in question, it creates selfish, immature behavior. When you can see their bad behavior accurately (as fear) you won’t take it personally. Everything would go better if we could give each other permission to be a student in the classroom of life and let offenses bounce off.
4. Remember you are bulletproof and no one can diminish you. You are a one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable human soul. Your value comes from this fact alone. Nothing that happens here, nothing anyone says or does can change that. Your value is the same no matter what they think. Embrace this truth and let insults and attacks bounce off.
5. Refuse to gossip. We, as human beings, have the tendency to see everyone as better than us or worse than us. This tendency is what makes you gossip, backbite and complain about other people. You subconsciously think casting them as the bad guy, by gossiping about their faults, somehow makes you the good guy. It doesn’t. It just makes you look bad. Make a new policy against gossip and refuse to take breaks with people who do. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.” Be great.
6. Fight the urge to vocalize everything you think. The people in your office are tired of being your therapist. You must find a friend, counselor or coach to listen to you, after work. You must also learn to process things on your own. A counselor or coach could also help you with this.
7. Don’t bring your personal problems to work. Jane Doyle said, “If you carry personal issues or expectations and emotional needs or wounds into the office, they are likely to cause problems for you professionally. An office full of people seeking to have their needs met or wounds healed is drama soup."
8. Get help to solve your problems. There are books, articles and videos available to help you solve any problem imaginable. There are coaches, counselors, seminars and trainings that can teach you healthy ways to cope with problems. Take responsibility and engage in the process of fixing your life instead of just complaining about it at work.
9. Respect other people. I am going to be blunt here, it is time to grow up and respect the people around you. Creating unnecessary drama is draining your co-workers and it disrespects them. P.M. Forni, in the book "Choosing Civility," said,"If we are kind and considerate, people will want to be around us, and we will benefit from enduring circles of attention and care.” When you focus on other people and their needs and respect their time, you will feel more validated and appreciated than all the drama in the world can bring you. You will also earn their respect, and respect is what moves you up in your career.

"When you become detached mentally from yourself and concentrate on helping other people with their difficulties, you will be able to cope with your own more effectively. Somehow, the act of self-giving is a personal power-releasing factor." — Norman Vincent Peal

You can do this! 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a life coach and speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.

Question:

Life has not been a picnic for me. It has been mostly full of disappointments and hard knocks. It isn’t turning out anything like the life I had planned. Hence, I experience a lot of jealously and resentment toward others. I’m trying not to be bitter and feel like a failure, but I can’t see I’ve accomplished much and don’t have much to show for all my work, pain and suffering. Not sure what my question is, but I guess I could use some advice to feel better about life?

Answer:

Your question might be: What is the point or purpose of this difficult life? Is there meaning in the painful and often fruitless experiences I’ve had? Is my difficult journey benefiting me in some way?

I often quote Viktor Frankl in my articles because his discoveries in the concentration camps during World War II have greatly influenced my philosophies on life. He found that life did have meaning and purpose, even when it consisted of nothing but horrible suffering. He believed that every man must, at some point on his journey, find meaning in his individual experiences, especially the bad ones.

He said, “If there is meaning in life at all, then there must be meaning in suffering.”

Personally, I believe there is meaning in the difficulties you have experienced, because I believe you are here in this world to do two things. You are here to learn andlove.

I believe this purpose is hard-wired into all of us. We seem to innately know life is about growing, learning, stretching and becoming the best version of ourselves we can become. We also seem to know we are here to love others and help as many people as we can, along our way. (Most people who find a specific mission in life find it around one or both of these two ideas.)

I believe — as part of the learning process here — we must experience many different aspects of the human condition, including suffering, grief, disappointment, joy, happiness and peace to learn what each of these experiences can teach us.

Unfortunately we learn more from the difficult experiences.

Suffering gives us empathy and understanding; shame teaches us compassion; disappointment teaches us to shift, change, adapt and persevere. Miserable, heart-breaking and discouraging situations usually serve us and refine us.

I wish it wasn’t so, but it is.

It is important you remember this truth, though — the amount of difficult experiences you get here is not a reflection of your value or your abilities, as much as it is about the specific lessons you were meant to learn.

You must remember that your value is the same as everyone else’s. Every human being on the planet has the same infinite and absolute value, no matter how successful or unsuccessful their life may appear. This means they aren’t better than you just because they accomplished more. They just got signed up for different classes and different lessons than you did.

No one on this planet got signed up for the same classes you got. So you cannot compare your journey or your results with anyone else.

When you say you have nothing to show for your efforts and your life has been a failure, all I hear is you apparently got signed up for some really hard classes. But your results here don’t affect or determine your value.

You are an irreplaceable, one-of-a-kind, divine, amazing human soul. You are basically an irreplaceable diamond, which has the same value no matter it's setting or where you find it. If a diamond is thrown in the mud, it still has the same value. If it is thrown in the garbage, it still has the same value. You have the same value no matter where you end up. Do you get this?

Your journey has nothing to do with your value.

Some of us get signed up for harder classes here in the classroom of life than others. I don’t know why things are unfair here, but I believe there is a reason.

I’ve often tried to drop a few of my more miserable classes, but apparently they were required courses because the universe didn’t let me out.

I was not happy about this, but I realized that stuck in that situation, I only had two choices. I could choose to trust the universe that this difficult path was serving me in some way, focus on the lessons and let the experiences make me better, stronger and more loving, or I could dwell in fear, anger, jealously and bitterness — which would only push other people away and create more negative in my life.

These are your only two choices when you are stuck in a required class. I highly recommend choosing trust and love!

Here are a couple more things you could do to change your perspective on life:

1) Write down as many positives as you can about what your journey has given you, things you have learned, qualities you have gained, traits you’ve developed. Then write down some things you could be gaining or developing if you tried a little harder.

2) Remember your value is as infinite and absolute as a diamond, no matter your results or performance. Claim your power to determine your own value and see it this way, despite your results.

3) Remember, life is really about what you learn, understand and develop through your experiences. It is not about what a smooth ride you had. It is about who you become on the inside not what you have to show on the outside.

4) Whenever you feel jealous of others, remember that their hard classes are probably still coming and you have things (empathy, understanding and wisdom) they may not have yet.

5) Don’t live to please other people — follow your heart and your intuition. Make sure you are doing what feels right to you in every situation. Honor your truth and your values no matter what.

6) Choose to be grateful for what is good in your life, for every small blessing or moment of happiness. Choose joy in every situation you possibly can.

7) You may not be able to change your situation, but you always have the power to choose how you will experience that situation. There are two choices: fear or trust and love. Fear will create more suffering — trust and love will create peace. You get to decide where you want to live.

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way,” Frankl said.

He continued, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” I recommend that you work on changing the way you are looking at your life. When you look at it from a new perspective, it may totally change the way you feel. If this is proving difficult, you may want to seek a coach or counselor to help you.

I hope this helps. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of ldslifecoaching.com and claritypointcoaching.com. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.