Question:

I have been divorced for 21 years and I am not sure how to date anymore. I gave up dating to raise my kids. What do I do to put myself out there and start dating again? It’s a terrifying idea and I could use some advice. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone.

Answer:

Dating only feels scary because you lack confidence, but you can gain confidence through changing your mindset around the whole thing.

I know how to do this because I’ve been in your shoes. I was lost in the single’s scene only three years ago. The whole things was outside my comfort zone and I was leery about rejection, which is an unavoidable part of the experience. I wasn’t sure my self-esteem could handle it.

Almost everyone experiences these kinds of fears around dating. There is no other activity (except maybe looking for a job or selling something) that brings as many opportunities to experience your deepest darkest fear — that you might not be good enough.

The good news is, you can overcome this fear. Dating doesn’t have to be scary or painful at all. When you change the way you see yourself, the whole experience will change dramatically.

You probably have two inaccurate perceptions about yourself that must be corrected right now:

1. You think your value is on the line. You fear rejection because you think it means something relative to your value. It doesn’t.

Just because a few people aren’t interested in dating you doesn’t change your value. You are the same good person whether they like you or not. You can choose to experience rejection as a self-esteem crushing experience if you want to, but you don’t have to. You can choose to see yourself as bulletproof and trust that nothing can diminish you. You can choose to trust that your value isn’t on the line and, therefore, there is nothing to fear.

2. You think what other people think of you matters. It doesn’t. You are the same you no matter what anyone else thinks. Their opinions can’t change you or diminish you in any way, unless you let them. You must not give this destructive fear any power over you anymore.

When you can see these two things clearly you will have a healthier mindset for dating. Review the following points often (like, every day) to maintain a clear, accurate mindset:

Clarity mindset for dating

1. I know who I am and where my value comes from. My value comes from the fact that I am a unique, irreplaceable, incomparable, one-of-a-kind, amazing soul. My value is, therefore, infinite and absolute. Nothing I do (or don’t do) can change it. Nothing anyone else thinks can change it. I am bulletproof, and no one can diminish me. Because my value isn't on the line, there is really nothing to fear.
2. My life is a classroom, not a testing center. I am here to learn and grow. Every experience is a lesson (not a test) and my value (as an irreplaceable, incomparable, unique human soul) never changes. This dating experience is serving me with perfect lessons which bless my life and teach me things. Every person I meet is there to show me something about myself and help me grow. Most of these teachers don't stay in my life long. I choose to be grateful for each lesson.
3. What other people think doesn’t affect me. If this person likes me, then they are supposed to like me. If they don’t like me, they aren’t supposed to like me. I’m OK (the same good person) either way. I will choose to experience each situation in trust and love.
4. If a person is the right one for me, they will like me no matter what I do. If they aren’t the right one (or are only meant to date me for a while, to facilitate a lesson) then it won’t work out, which will leave me open for the right one. Either way, I am fine.
5. There is a right person (for me) out there. I will meet this person when I am supposed to meet them. This person will like the real, authentic me. I will not have to impress this person. I cannot mess this up. They will like me even if I do dumb things or make a fool of myself. I cannot mess this one up because it is meant to happen. If someone is the wrong person for me, then I can’t make it work no matter how perfect I am. It won’t work because it’s not supposed to work. Either way, I’m fine. I will attach no drama, emotion or fear to whether a person likes me or not.
6. There is nothing to fear. I can go to dances, meet people and socialize without any fear whatsoever. I can do this because I understand (accurately) who I am and the nature of life. If my value isn’t on the line and the right person will find me when they are supposed to, then I can just relax, have fun and look for opportunities to be kind to other people. When I escape my fears I can start giving, loving and edifying others. In doing this, I will discover who I really am.
7. Sometimes another person will like me more than I like them. I will kindly tell them that they just aren’t “the one” for me. I will do this honestly and kindly. I will not attach fear around this experience or feel guilty for it. The universe has brought this perfect experience to both of us. This person will process through their disappointment and learn something from it. I must let them experience this however they choose to.

Going outside your comfort zone is uncomfortable, but it is the only way you can grow. I encourage you to work on a healthier mindset, then get ready to stretch. Wonderful experiences will come from it.

I asked my husband why he was attracted to me when we first met at a single adult activity. He said my confidence is what set me apart. Confidence (a lack of fear) is very attractive. If you show up this way you will experience less rejection.

When you choose to focus on edifying others and making friends (and you stop worrying about yourself and your fears), it will become a fun and uplifting experience.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of Claritypoint Life Coaching. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing self-esteem. Listen to her Self Esteem CPR Workshop at www.claritypointcoaching.com

Question:

I’ve had a really rough last 10 years. Everything that could go wrong has. I know it looks like I’m not performing very well from the outside but, all things considered, it’s a miracle I’m doing as well as I am. People here in Utah have been very quick to pass judgment on me. I don’t feel much compassion or understanding in regards to my situation. People think they know me and judge me, but they have no idea what a good person I actually am. How do I stay positive in spite of this?

Answer:

Unfortunately, judging other people is an innate tendency in all of us, but you can learn to see yourself and other people more clearly, understand their behavior better and totally change the way you let their judgments affect you.

Here are some principles to help you do that.

Principle 1: When other people judge you, understand that it’s not really about you. It’s about their fears.

We, as human beings, have a tendency to focus on the bad in other people because it subconsciously makes us feel better about ourselves. Sometimes we focus on (perceived) bad in other people because we want to help them change, because that would make us feel better about ourselves, too.

I want you to understand how and why people do this so you can see their behavior accurately (for what it really is). When you can see it is about their need to feel better, it won't hurt you anymore.

I want you to understand that their bad behavior (self-righteous judging) is about their fears about their own value. It is not about you. People around here have a lot of fears about not being good enough. They believe they have to be nearly perfect to be okay. Their unrealistically high standards can produce a lot of fear, and they often project these fears onto you.

I wish I could repair their self-esteem and take away their fears, so they had the capacity to be more loving and accepting, but I can’t. So, we are going to have to change the way you experience their inaccurate judgments instead.

Principle 2: What other people think of you doesn’t really mean anything. 

Because they think it doesn’t make it true. What they think doesn’t change who you are, either. It doesn’t take away from your value. It doesn’t do anything. It is absolutely meaningless. You are the same you, no matter what they think.

This means there is nothing to fear, and if there is nothing to fear, then you shouldn’t let it bother you.

Principle 3: They don’t really know who you are, where you’ve been and what you’ve been through.

I was walking very slowly down my street yesterday, dressed in workout clothes. A man came jogging towards me from the other direction. As he passed me, he laughed and said in a nasty tone “You’re going to have to pick up the pace, to get any benefit from being out here.”

He was making fun of me because he thought my slow walking was my workout, and he actually felt the need to tell me I wasn’t doing it right. What he didn’t know, and couldn’t know, was that I had just finished a three-mile run and was walking slow to cool down.

His snide remark didn’t hurt me though, because I knew the truth about myself. I knew that I was doing the right thing for me, in that moment. There are many times in life where you (and God) are the only ones who know the truth about your situation, and sometimes that has to be enough.

You know the truth about who you are. Hold onto that.

You get to decide how you will value yourself. Don’t give that power away to anyone else. Own your goodness and claim your value. Claim it so tightly that no person and no situation can ever take it away from you again.

Principle 3: Where you have been was a location on your journey, it is not who you are.

Life is like a road trip. You may spend days driving through Texas, you may even get a flat tire and get stuck there for a while. But that doesn’t change who you are. It doesn’t make you Texan. Texas is just a location on your journey.

You will also go through some rough times in life, you may even get stuck there for a while, but that rough period doesn’t define who you are. It is an experience or location on your journey, it isn’t you. The rough times in your past don’t make you a bad person. They were interesting learning experiences you had. Your good heart and your love for God and other people is who you are.

You can’t let any situation or location in your past define who you are.

Principle 4: What others think of you is none of your business.

It is a waste of your energy to spend one minute worrying about it. Instead, spend your time focused on loving people, working hard and being the best, real you.

Worrying about what other people think of you is a hard habit to break, especially when you’ve been doing it your whole life, but you can do it. Remember and review these principles of truth. Write them on cards and post them around your house. Repeat them over and over until your subconscious mind gets it.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the founder and president of www.ldslifecoaching.com and www.claritypointcoaching.com. She is a life coach and speaker who specializes in repairing and building self-esteem.