I have been divorced for 21 years and I am not sure how to date anymore. I gave up dating to raise my kids. What do I do to put myself out there and start dating again? It’s a terrifying idea and I could use some advice. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone.
Dating only feels scary because you lack confidence, but you can gain confidence through changing your mindset around the whole thing.
I know how to do this because I’ve been in your shoes. I was lost in the single’s scene only three years ago. The whole things was outside my comfort zone and I was leery about rejection, which is an unavoidable part of the experience. I wasn’t sure my self-esteem could handle it.
Almost everyone experiences these kinds of fears around dating. There is no other activity (except maybe looking for a job or selling something) that brings as many opportunities to experience your deepest darkest fear — that you might not be good enough.
The good news is, you can overcome this fear. Dating doesn’t have to be scary or painful at all. When you change the way you see yourself, the whole experience will change dramatically.
You probably have two inaccurate perceptions about yourself that must be corrected right now:
1. You think your value is on the line. You fear rejection because you think it means something relative to your value. It doesn’t.
Just because a few people aren’t interested in dating you doesn’t change your value. You are the same good person whether they like you or not. You can choose to experience rejection as a self-esteem crushing experience if you want to, but you don’t have to. You can choose to see yourself as bulletproof and trust that nothing can diminish you. You can choose to trust that your value isn’t on the line and, therefore, there is nothing to fear.
2. You think what other people think of you matters. It doesn’t. You are the same you no matter what anyone else thinks. Their opinions can’t change you or diminish you in any way, unless you let them. You must not give this destructive fear any power over you anymore.
When you can see these two things clearly you will have a healthier mindset for dating. Review the following points often (like, every day) to maintain a clear, accurate mindset:
Clarity mindset for dating
I asked my husband why he was attracted to me when we first met at a single adult activity. He said my confidence is what set me apart. Confidence (a lack of fear) is very attractive. If you show up this way you will experience less rejection.
When you choose to focus on edifying others and making friends (and you stop worrying about yourself and your fears), it will become a fun and uplifting experience.
You can do this.
Kimberly Giles is the president of Claritypoint Life Coaching. She is a sought after life coach and popular speaker who specializes in repairing self-esteem. Listen to her Self Esteem CPR Workshop at www.claritypointcoaching.com
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Kimberly Giles is the president and founder of Claritypoint Life Coaching and 12 SHAPES INC. She is an author and professional speaker. She was named one of the top 20 advice gurus in the country by Good Morning America in 2010. She appears regularly on local and national TV and Radio.