This was first published on KSL.com
Question:

I work with a woman, who is very opinionated with severe black and white thinking. I find myself getting upset by the way that she voices her opinions all the time and won’t even consider anothers point of view. We all eat lunch together and honestly, it’s getting hard to tolerate. What do you do with people who are that opinionated and not open to life having any shades of grey?

Answer:

We are going to answer three questions inside your question.

First, why do some people see the world in this black-and-white way and feel they have to constantly share or even push their opinions on the rest of us?

Second, how do you know if you are one of these opinionated people?

Third, what can you do so people, who are like this, don’t drive you batty?

It makes life a great deal easier if you understand what is really driving human behavior. Understanding what motivates people helps us to not take other people’s behavior as personally either.

We believe human behavior is driven (consciously or subconsciously) by what we fear and what we value. So, we are going to explain the fears and values behind very opinionated, black-and-white thinking.

These people often have fear failure (that they might not be good enough) and they have fear loss (that life won’t be the way they want it to be). We know this because these two fears are behind almost all bad behavior.

These people feel safer if they have a clearly defined moral code, a black-and-white clear and solid code of behavior (the way people should behave) and other rules of correct living. If they have these rules clearly defined, they know exactly what they must do to be good enough. These guidelines make them feel safe. They also get a sense of safety from finding fault in the rule breaking and incorrect thinking in the people around them. If they can find people who are worse or wrong, it makes their ego feel a little better or right, which quiets their fear of failure a bit.

People who are quick to judge others as wrong are usually getting a strong sense of safety and self-worth from believing they are right. The more fear of failure they have about themselves, the more they might focus on black and white rules that prove they are right.

They may also be a tad controlling too because having things done “right” also makes them feel safer in the world. They are often defensive, territorial and protective of themselves, which can come across as selfish, arrogant and inflexible. They are often more focused on things being right and fair than they are on caring how other people feel.

These people also highly value ideas. They like learning and teaching. They believe correct ideas and doing things right are critical to success and happiness, and they tend to assume that everyone has or should have the same ideas, beliefs and values they have.

They also fear what would happen if their ideas (and rules) are not upheld. For example, people who are passionate about the environment and global warming value environmental issues, as well as fear the outcome if the planet is not looked after. They can at times be a tad judgmental or critical when they feel others don’t value ideas, beliefs and opinions or have the wrong ones.

Now, the question is, are you this kind of person? Do you have a strong sense of right and wrong and often find yourself in judgment of others? Do you ever leave a situation and realize you may have talked too much or dominated the conversation? Do you get irritated when people disagree with you and do you see them as less than you, because of their choices?

If these are resonating as truth for you, don’t worry – we aren’t saying you are bad, wrong or less than others for being wired this way. The truth is the world needs people who care deeply about right and wrong, but we must all watch for unbalanced behavior that comes when we function from fear.

If you aren’t like this but have people in your life who are, here are some tips for dealing with these people:

1. Show compassion toward the fear that is driving their opinionated behavior and black-and-white thinking. 

When we consciously choose to stay calm and not react to the behavior of others, we are able to look at what is motivating it. Think about this woman at work, what do you know about her story and what she has been through in her life? Do you think there is some fear of failure in her? Can you sense that her stand on issues is about feeling right somewhere? When you look underneath the behavior and try to identify where it comes from, we step into greater acceptance, tolerance and compassion. See if you can show greater kindness and compassion to her and recognize her insecurities, after all, you have those too, they just manifest themselves differently for each of us.

2. Don’t react to the bad behavior, instead listen intently and then ask for permission to share your ideas

In the moment, when people are on a soap box and speaking down to us or sharing their strong opinions that we disagree with, we can become triggered and feel frustrated or angry. Often our ego wants to retaliate by interrupting or arguing, which can escalate the situation to conflict and confrontation.

Now, you understand their opinionated behavior is about their fear and their need for validation and safety. So, in reality, what they need is validation (which we know is the last thing you want to give them). If you can have a mutually validating conversation and make them feel safe, you might be able to get them in a place where they can listen to you too. You might even teach them something. The formula to having these conversations is on our website.

But, you basically must ask them more questions about their opinions and listen and validate their right to think the way they do. If you are willing to go here, you then earn the right to have a turn to share your opinion with them.

After you have given them some time to share and you make sure they feel heard, you can ask permission to share your thoughts. “Would you be open to letting me share another opinion?” This permission question opens the door for you to now be heard and share your opinion. If the person interrupts or tries to speak over you again, you have earned the right to say, “Excuse me, please don’t interrupt, I listened to your ideas on this, and I would appreciate you respecting my turn to speak and hearing my thoughts.”

This can be done respectfully and without confrontation. But remember, it’s not about changing other people’s minds, it’s about coming to a place where both differing opinions are respected and validating everyone involved.

3. Don’t take it so personally.

Other people’s need to be right or feel superior is their fear of failure at work. It is about their fears about themselves — it isn’t really about you. Ask yourself, “Which part of you needs validation and recognition for your opinions and feels mistreated when you don’t get that?” Is your fear of failure being triggered?”

All of us have this fear, on some level, but healthy self-esteem comes from knowing you don’t need validation or recognition from others to have the same intrinsic worth as every other person on the planet. Remind yourself that you are a unique, one of a kind human soul and your value doesn’t depend on your opinions, whether you are validated or liked by others, or whether other people think you are wrong.

As you remind yourself of this truth you will find yourself needing less attention and acknowledgment from others, and you will be able to better tolerate listening to the black and white views of others without feeling bothered.
If you are this kind of person and can recognize a need to be heard and validated for what you think, this is a great fear challenge to work on. Practice asking more questions and listening more than you talk next time you are with people. You will find validating others opinions feels even better than sharing yours.

Knowing you are lifting others up always feels better than being right. Practice setting aside your need to be right about how things should be. Try allowing people to have the same intrinsic value as you, even though their beliefs and values are different.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

Question:

My sons are very close in age: 15 and 17 years old. They seem to have this constant need for competition and they put each other down all the time. As their mom, it breaks my heart that they need to compete like this and that they can’t see the goodness I see in each of them. How do I stop the bickering and the constant competition and make sure my boys leave for college with healthy self-esteem?

Answer:

Thank you for asking this important question. So many parents ask us this same thing — why is there so much competition between kids?

Realistically this is not a teen or child issue. This is a global issue we see in people everywhere. We see it within families, at work and even between neighbors.

Recently over the Fourth of July weekend, all our street was camped out on deck chairs on driveways lighting fireworks. It was beautiful; there were spectacular sights in every direction. But I overheard our immediate neighbor say out loud to his son, "Go to the truck and get the extra box, we must beat the Johnsons," who live on the other side of the street a few doors up. The question is, what is driving our need for this competition, even as mature adults?

Deep down every one of us, including your boys, is struggling with worthiness. The question they (and we) ask ourselves every day is, are we enough? Do I look good in this? Do my shoes match my earrings? Am I good enough to make the team? Will my score be enough on the test?

We all question every day whether we are enough, what value we have, and how we compare to others. This fear appears both consciously and subconsciously for our children. Every day they mix with other kids who are better, smarter, more capable and more talented than them, and this even happens at home. This is a reality in life, not just childhood, so we must help them build an "emotional resiliency muscle" — this is one of our greatest jobs as parents.

An emotional resiliency muscle is the aspect of yourself that is secure in your personal worth and value, that doesn’t have a need to compare yourself to others and feels secure in the knowingness that your life has purpose and meaning in every circumstance. We want to help you achieve this for yourself and teach it to your children.

Here are the steps to building an emotional resiliency muscle:

1. Remind yourself and your family that we all have the same value all the time and it never changes. 

There is nothing your children can do to achieve or earn more value nor lose it. Your neighbor doesn’t lose value when he irritates you, and no one you know is better than you either. Human value is unchangeable and every person is a one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable human soul that has infinite worth and value.

Therefore, when your child comes home with a 4.0 GPA you should celebrate their efforts, but remind them they still have the exact same value as their sister who only received a C on her math test, who tried just as hard and did her best.

When we truly show our children we celebrate their efforts, not only their achievements, they understand their value isn’t tied to appearance, performance or property, and they will feel more secure in themselves. For this to really work and improve their self-esteem, it has to be something you talk about daily — that no matter what you do you still have the same intrinsic worth as everyone else. You may not get the rewards that come to those who work harder, which is an important lesson, but your value as a human soul doesn’t change.

2. Teach your children to celebrate their wins and their losses.

This may sound counterintuitive, but when we place the same value on wins and losses and see them both as important parts of our development and growth, we teach emotional resiliency. We do this by highlighting the fluctuations of life and role modeling for them that every circumstance and situation, both the good and the bad, are here to serve us and help us grow. We can show children by example that they can feel safe in every circumstance and we can and do bounce back from failures.

It is important for your children to watch you show this kind of emotional resiliency with life’s ups and downs instead of panicking or becoming despondent. To achieve this, you may need to adjust your perspective to see life as your perfect classroom instead of a test that determines your worth. When you see life as a test, you feel enormous pressure to succeed and compete against life and others. You view it as a mountain that must be conquered, instead of a process of enjoyment where you will grow and be strengthened.

With your current level of emotional resiliency, you can show your kids a realistic picture of life, learning and growth or you can paint a picture of fear about the future and life itself. When we role model strength, wisdom and accuracy about the lessons of life for our children, showing them every moment of life enables us to grow and is here to shape us in some way, we are teaching them to see the universe as for them, not against them.

3. Detach from perfectionism.

Many of us can live lives attached to unrealistic expectations for ourselves, others and our lives in general. Idealism and perfectionism are one and the same, a toxic monster that can make us feel like we are failing constantly. How many times do you find yourself thinking, “If I just earned more money I would be happier,” “If I could just lose this baby weight I would feel better about myself” and “If my children were more obedient we would not be having these problems.”

Emotional resiliency and the happiness that comes from it require us to have correct expectations and intentions for ourselves and our lives. Do you set yourself up to succeed through setting these realistic parameters in which to measure your worth and success or are your children watching you crash and burn constantly because you are engaged in a game of perfectionism? You must show emotional resiliency and set expectations that are practical, logical and pragmatic so you can feel good about your efforts and model this for your kids. If this is hard for you, we recommend you find a coach or counselor to help you let go of perfectionism.

4. Teach your children to be compassionate people.

When we and/or our children put others down to make ourselves feel better, we are not being compassionate people. We must know our intrinsic value without the need to position ourselves as superior or above others to feel good. What you are describing with your sons insulting each other is just this projection of superiority our egos use to cover our insecurities and fear. This is very common for children, teenagers and adults.

Be mindful of your own behavior so you can catch yourself putting another person down, even about something small such as their cooking, housekeeping or ability to drive. It’s hard but important for us to notice our behavior when we do this. Most of this behavior is done subconsciously as our mind and ego play these tricks to make us less threatened in the world. Instead of trying to feel good by placing ourselves above others, we must celebrate our uniqueness and know no matter what others do around us, they and we have unchangeable and infinite value.

Obviously, the most important thing you can do for your kids is to work on yourself and make sure you are modeling confidence, compassion and resiliency yourself.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles and Nicole Cunningham are the coaches behind Claritypointcoaching.com. You can get free resources on parenting and raising confident kids at http://www.claritypointcoaching.com/worksheetsdownloads

SALT LAKE CITY — In this edition of LIFEadvice Coach Kim shares questions you can ask yourself to see if you might be the problem in your relationship.

Question:

I loved your article on toxic people, but I do have a follow-up question. Toxic people believe they are the ones surrounded by toxic people and that they themselves are not the toxic one. Is there a test or a question we can ask ourselves to determine who is actually the toxic one?

Answer:

You are absolutely right, many toxic (difficult) people cannot see their part in the "people problems" around them. They are often overly focused on the faults and flaws in other people so they won’t have to look at their own. They usually suffer from a huge fear of failure, which means they can’t handle seeing their bad behavior — it would hurt too much if they did. Instead, they practice psychological projection.

Projection is a subconscious defense mechanism to protect us from pain, and we all do it to some degree. There are three types of projection we want you to understand:

1. Thinking other people can do what you can do. So if I’m good at remembering names, I can’t understand why others can’t do it too. They should be able to do that, it’s not that hard.
2. Thinking other people feel the same way you feel about things. I’m upset by this or that, so I assume other people should be too. It’s obvious it is the right way to feel and something is wrong with you if you can’t see it.
3. Seeing the thinking, actions and behaviors that you don’t like about yourself in other people. We call this “you spot it, you got it” and it means you notice and judge others for doing the very things you do and don’t like about yourself.

An example might be a husband who is always accusing his wife of having a wandering eye and wanting to be unfaithful. He is usually a person with a wandering eye who thinks about cheating. He knows it’s true about himself, so he assumes it would also be true about her.

Or a wife who is really bothered when her husband texts while driving, but she does the same thing. She knows she shouldn’t do it and feels guilty about it, though, so it bothers her a great deal when he does it.

We all have a subconscious tendency to project our bad behavior, thoughts and feelings onto others (missing our own issues completely). So how can we ever be sure we aren’t the difficult person? How can we become aware of our real behavior?

First, you might want to ask for candid feedback from the people who know you best. This takes courage, though, because your fear of failure will be triggered by their answers. If you remember you have the same value as everyone else and that can’t change no matter what you do, it is easier to handle though. You may also have to reassure the person you ask and convince them you are really open and can handle the truth because you want to learn and improve. If you really want to be a better person, you may want to ask the people closest to you to share one thing you could do to improve and show up for them better and do this on a regular basis.

If the thought of doing that scares you to death, you may want to work with a coach or counselor to build up your self-esteem first. They may also be a safer place to get feedback from because you don’t have a close relationship (like you do with friends or family).

An objective third-party person can often tell you things a family member or friend would be too scared to say. If you are resistant to both the idea of asking for feedback and working with a coach or counselor because both scare you, you definitely need to get some professional help to change your beliefs around your value and what it means to ask for help. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help, it’s a sign of maturity and strength.

We also believe that no one is broken, bad, wrong or worse than anyone else. We are all just totally different and in a unique classroom journey, which no other person can really understand, and we have the exact same intrinsic value. We all have strength and weaknesses, good behavior and bad behavior, and being vulnerable enough to see yours and ask for help to become better means you are accurate, strong, out of your ego and humble enough to be teachable and ready to grow.

Here are some questions you might also ask yourself to determine if you are the problem or a toxic person: 

1. Do you gossip and find fault with others often?
2. When someone tells you about their bad day, is your response about you and your day, or is it about them? Do you make almost every conversation about you?
3. Do you have a victim story and tell if often, or use it to excuse bad behavior?
4. Do you dominate conversations and struggle to care enough to really listen to others?
5. Do you give unsolicited advice because you think you are trying to help? Is there any chance it feels like an insult to others?
6. Have you ever been told you are controlling?
7. Have you had lots of personal relationships but they never last?
8. Do you have a hard time forgiving and letting go of the past? Do you bring up wrongs from the past in current fights?
9. Do you see the glass as half empty and have a tendency to see what’s wrong before what’s right with everything?
10. If you listed out all your current problems and who is responsible for them being in your life, the list would not have your name on it?
11. Do you have a hard time finding friends who want to do things with you?
12. Have you had feedback from others about your difficult behavior before?
13. Do you find out about activities you weren’t invited to?
14. Do you think everyone around you is an idiot, including your boss, co-workers and relatives? That is a good sign you are the problem.

If you answered yes to many of these questions, there is a chance your fears are driving some bad behaviors that are holding you back from creating the life you want.

Don’t have any shame around this. Just own that you may need some life skills you haven’t had the opportunity to learn thus far in your life. It does not make you less valuable than anyone else; it just means it’s time to upgrade your people, healthy thinking and life skills.

It’s time to find a professional you feel safe with to help you change the underlying fears that drive your dramatic, selfish, protective or toxic behavior. You are not a bad person, though. You are just a scared, insecure, worried person, who needs to learn another way to process life and what happens to you.

You can do this, and it’s easier than you think.

To my reader who asked this question: Unfortunately, it’s highly unlikely that the toxic people in your life would even read this article nor answer the questions honestly. They would feel too vulnerable and their ego would really resist going there. Again, this is just their fears at work. You would have to really reassure them of their value to you and your belief in them to make them feel safe enough to be open to looking in this mirror. 

Kimberly Giles is a popular author, speaker and coach. There is a worksheet on her website to help you see if you are the problem in your relationship http://www.claritypointcoaching.com/worksheetsdownloads

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

My spouse said I am not self-aware, and I’m not even sure what that really means. It’s only one of her complaints, among many, but it came up because she says I can’t see when I’m wrong. Is there a chance that I can’t see things, and can’t see that I can’t see them? What do you do to change that? How do I become more self-aware?

Answer:

This is a great question, because most of us would benefit from improving in this area. Check yourself by going through these signs that you might not be self-aware:

1. People in your life say you don’t listen, even though you think you do.
2. You are often critical of others.
3. You can be pushy about wanting things your way.
4. You get defensive fast and upset over perceived wrongs.
5. You can’t handle negative feedback.
6. You harbor grudges.
7. You are surprised by what people say about you, because you don’t see yourself the way they do.
8. You tell yourself and others that you are bigger, better, or farther along than you really are.
9. You don’t take personal responsibility for your behavior and blame others when things go wrong.
10. You aren’t teachable or your pride and ego push people away.

There is a new one-page quiz on my website that lets you rank some of these and see on paper how much fear is blocking your self-awareness. Also check out the JoHari Self-Awareness chart which shows you your blind spots. (We also have a Clarity Assessment, which shows you some of your subconscious programs on paper.) Assessments and quizzes like these are great ways to become more self-aware.

Self-awareness is defined as being awake, conscious and aware of your thoughts and behaviors, instead of letting your subconscious programming drive your life on autopilot. It means you can see yourself, other people and life accurately and understand you drive your behavior.

So, the question is, how do you get more self-aware? Here are some things you can do to improve your self-awareness:

1. Work on changing the way you value people. Choose to embrace the idea that every human being has the same intrinsic value and that value cannot change. You cannot earn more and be better than anyone else. You also can’t lose value and be any less than anyone else. Mistakes are just lessons that help you grow, and they don’t affect your value (at least you can see it this way if you want to). The more you practice consciously choosing yourself and others as infinitely valuable, the less fear and insecurity will drive your life. You will be less needy of validation and less defensive or threatened by criticism or mistreatment.
2. Stay out of judgment towards others. As you practice No. 1, especially focus on letting everyone around you have the same infinite value as you. Make a rule to not gossip, judge or see others as less than you. Watch for these thoughts and replace them with truth and love. The very act of paying attention to your thoughts and replacing negative ones is self-awareness.
3. Choose to trust that the universe is for you, not against you. There is no way to know (as an absolute fact) whether the universe is against you or always conspiring to serve you and your education. Since we can’t know for sure, we get to choose a perspective. If you choose to see the universe as against you, everyone and every situation is a threat and you function in fear all the time. If you choose to see life as always serving you, you don’t feel offended, insulted, upset or taken from nearly as much. In this place, you can be more aware of others and the way you show up around them.
4. Pay attention to any feedback you receive. Feedback is not necessarily criticism and it’s not a reflection of your value. It is just a lesson experience. Some of it will be accurate and this is a gift to help you become your best. Some is not accurate and is an amazing opportunity to practice owning your infinite value and not taking things personally. When you get negative feedback, sit with it, and look for some truth in it, listen to it and embrace it as a gift and a learning experience. How could it make you better?
5. Learn how to calm your nervous system or meditate. The truth is most people are functioning in a high-stress state most of the time. This fight-or-flight state shuts down your frontal lobe (so you can’t think straight) and makes you generally selfish and focused on yourself. There is a great worksheet on relaxing your way out of stress reaction on our website. This is powerful because the more in control of yourself you become, the more self-aware you will become.
6. Accept personal responsibility for everything happening in your life. If you have people problems with those around you — you have created those on some level. Watch yourself and don’t complain, blame or use the excuse that you are powerless to change the situation. You can either change the situation or you can change how you are experiencing the situation and, either way, you will feel better than you do now. If you can’t see how you are responsible for a mess you are in, ask an objective third-party for their honest perspective. They can often see things you can’t. Ask them to tell you how you might have created or put up with a negative situation or might be making it worse.
7. Let go of your need to control everything. If you need control to feel safe, you may not see how this tendency is negatively affecting your relationships. Let go of needing things your way as much as possible. Practice going with the flow and letting someone else drive. Sit back and notice that you are still okay. You can survive not being in control and being okay. The more you can sit back and watch your ego freak over something being done wrong and not say anything — the more self-aware and mature you will become.
8. Spend more time listening than talking. Make a conscious effort in every conversation to not talk. Instead, watch your ego fight with this as you listen and listen to others. Watch your ego want so bad to tell your story or make your comment while you engage your inner power to over-ride it and stay focused on another person anyway.
9. Work with a coach or counselor. Find a professional, who can and will give you honest feedback and help you see your subconscious negative behavior and where it comes from. We call this process gaining clarity because it is the chance to see yourself and others accurately, instead of through the fog of fear in which most people live. We have a Get Clarity event in March that will quickly clear away that fog and show you the way out.

One of my favorite books is "A Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson. In it she says, “It takes courage...to endure the sharp pains of self-discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives.”

It is easier to stay unaware and keep blaming others for the results you are creating, but it’s not happier. If you want to be happier, more fulfilled and deeply content in your own skin, you must brave that look in the mirror and accept some feedback and some help.

Remember though, it’s not a sign of weakness or inadequacy to ask for help or look in the mirror and change yourself, it’s a sign of wisdom and strength.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

I have noticed when I do something unkind or selfish, I have a tendency to explain the behavior away as someone else’s fault, which gets me off the hook. I don’t decide to do this, I just notice I’m doing it in the middle of doing it. So, it’s almost subconscious but not all the way. I can also get caught up in anger at a friend and start thinking about what’s wrong with our friendship, and the more I think about it the worse I feel. She says I am not seeing it accurately and it’s not that bad. I feel like a drama queen at times. How can I stop doing this?

Answer:

Have you heard the warning, “Just because you read it online, doesn’t mean it’s true.” The same goes for the content of your thoughts. Just because you think it — and you feel horrible about it, depressed because of it, or upset about it — doesn’t mean it’s true either.

Your amazing imagination is constantly creating stories around everything you see, hear or experience. You are such a creative being it is almost impossible for you to see any experience as it really is, as just facts, without your imagination adding to it.

Your thinking patterns today are literally the sum of all your past experiences, and these experiences have created a lens that filters everything you see, hear and perceive. Some of you have a very negative lens, clouded by fear. You may see everything and everyone as a threat (even though it isn’t accurate). Your lens might make you create stories that constantly prove you aren’t good enough. You might see the world through a lens of criticism and blame, which means creating stories where nothing is ever your fault, or your lens might be prone to self-pity, anger or conflict.

A fear-clouded lens distorts the truth and leads your imagination to create stories that fit your biased ideas about the world. You will then confabulate reality to match your story, so you can be right about your negative perspective. Your confabulation helps you to believe your story and think it’s accurate.

In psychology, to confabulate means to produce a fabricated, distorted or misinterpreted view of reality, and we all do this, to some degree, every day. It’s therefore very important you don’t believe everything you think because a large portion of your thinking isn’t true and is creating self-inflicted misery in your life.

It’s hard to wake yourself up and out of these stories because your emotions (very quickly) get involved and they make you feel strong emotions about your story. You then believe the story must be accurate or you wouldn’t feel this way, right?

Your brain creates very real emotions around the perspective you end up with, and these emotions make you buy into the story hook, line and sinker, but that still doesn’t make the story accurate. Your emotions aren’t proof.

Feelings cannot be trusted any more than thoughts can.

You are right about how you feel though. You do actually feel the way you feel and no one can argue with that. But you may be completely inaccurate in the perspective or story you made up, which created those feelings, which means the emotions aren't warranted. (Read that again!)

It is time to grow up and become more personally responsible for your thoughts and emotions. It is time to learn to be mindful and consciously choose your perspective instead of letting your subconscious program choose it.

You deserve to learn this because a large amount of the suffering (you are currently experiencing) is unnecessary and self-inflicted.

So, stop it.

Step back from each situation and observe your mind at work confabulating, justifying and creating made up stories and emotions around it. You are literally creating your entire life in your head. Your life is not as it appears, it is as you are choosing to see it.

Everything is perspective and your perspective is in your control. It may not feel in your control at first because ideas do pop-up (from your subconscious) but once they show up, you have complete control over whether you embrace them and add emotion to them or replace them with something else.

You may resist believing this though, because it’s much easier to find some like-minded people who look at the situation in the same distorted way you do, who will validate you and tell you that you’re right. You will always be drawn to friends and co-workers who see the world with the same filter you have because you crave validation.

Have you noticed that like-minded people are drawn to each other? The complainers and blamers always end up friends. This means if you want to change your thinking and become more accurate and positive, you may have to change your friends.

Here is a procedure you can follow when you want to check your perspective, feelings and thoughts for accuracy:

1. Ask yourself this important question, "If I stopped feeding this story and thinking about it, and instead labeled it as inaccurate and dropped it, would the problem still exist?" Try it and see.

2. Own responsibility for how you are feeling, without any blame on anyone else. If you own it, you also have the power to change it. Wayne Allen, the simple Zen guy, says it’s an odd thing that people will be living in a pile of [crap] and still insist it appeared by magic, they had nothing to do with their being in it, someone else is to blame, and someone else should dig them out. If you live this way you will always be a miserable victim. Don’t do it. Own that you are creating your life and change your thinking.

3. Write down the facts of your situation without any emotion or story around it. You will be surprised how short, simple and benign the facts really are.

4. Write down as many perspective options as you can think of. Get creative and let your imagination go crazy with positive spins you could embrace. You are going to create a story around this situation anyway, so you might as well pick a better, less miserable story that makes you feel good, right? Pick a victor story that gives you a chance to rise to the occasion and be the person you want to be.

5. Feed positive mindsets by hanging out with people who see situations clearly and aren’t prone to drama or negativity. Feed your mind with good books and uplifting content that encourages you to create positive perspectives.

Most of us are unhappy because we don’t know another way to think about our experiences. We were never taught the skills nor given the tools to process life in a more positive way. They don’t teach this stuff in school or church (though they should), so where are you supposed to learn it?

If you have emotional reactions and often feel out of control or stuck in negative thinking, it's time to do something about it. Get some professional help. There are experts all around you who can help you learn these skills. I believe positive, clear, accurate thinking, free from fear, is easy to learn and teach. Our Get Clarity workshop might be a good place to start. My website is also filled with resources to help you get more clarity in your thinking and take control of your life.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

I have a friend who is driving me crazy with the way he knows more about everything than I do. Whatever I say, he knows better or has a different opinion, and I swear he would take the opposite view on anything, just for the sake of argument. I don’t want to quit being friends with him, but I wish there was a way to change his behavior and get him to stop being the expert on everything all the time. There is some great value I could offer this person, but he is not open to hearing what anyone else has to offer. Any advice?

Answer:

My first question for you is “Are you sure you aren’t also a little attached to your own ideas and your need to be right?”

You seem very bothered by your friend's egotistical behavior, and usually we are most bothered by behaviors that also show up in us. That may sound counterintuitive, but it’s true. There is a law in the universe I call “You Spot It You Got It.” It means other people serve as a mirror for you, and you often possess the very behaviors you love and appreciate or are irritated over in them.

Whenever you find yourself in judgment of another person, you need to step back and look for that same beam in your eye. It’s highly likely you do the exact same thing to some degree. Bossy people are always bothered by bossy people, and "know it alls" are always bothered by EOEs (experts on everything).

There is a valuable You Spot It You Got It worksheet on our website that can help you check yourself to see if this is happening for you.

Take an honest look at your own need to be right, because we all get overly attached to our ideas, ideals, beliefs and opinions on occasion. We all are guilty of some projection too, where we see our fears and judgments in others. We also tie our ideas, opinions, thoughts and feelings to our value as a human being. This means if someone doesn’t agree with us, we subconsciously think they don’t value us.

This isn’t true, but it feels like truth.

After being brutally honest with yourself about how attached you are to your ideas and opinions, you must also be honest about how teachable you are and how much your ego or pride get in the way of learning from others. Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do you ask questions and listen to other people before (or more than) you talk? Or do you often dominate conversations?
2. Can you handle constructive criticism without getting defensive or feeling you aren’t good enough?
3. When you are judged by others, instead of just rejecting their assessment can you step back and look for validity in it? Can you also see when the feedback is a shame and blame projection from them?
4. Do you believe everyone has something they could teach you? Do you care enough to find out what it is?
5. Are you clear about your own strengths and weaknesses? Do you know that neither affects your value nor makes you any better or worse than anyone else?
6. Will you ask for help? Do you understand it’s a sign of strength not weakness?
7. Do you read books and attend seminars so you are always learning and improving?
8. Can you take responsibility for mistakes and apologize easily?
9. Do you see every experience as a chance to grow? Do you see life as a classroom?
10. Are you open to hiring a coach, mentor or adviser who could teach you new skills?
11. Are you more comfortable hanging out with people who have the same beliefs and opinions as you do?
12. Are you judgmental and critical of others? If you are, you may be subconsciously focused more on the negatives than the positives, which might make you less open to possibilities.

These questions should help you see it if you struggle here. The reason you and/or your friend might have an issue with being teachable is simple because your fear of failure (the fear you might not be good enough) gets in the way. One way to get your ego out of the way is to choose to see all human beings as having the same intrinsic value that cannot change. This means you can't earn more value by being right and you can't lose value by being wrong. The more you work on adopting this mindset, the more teachable you will become.

Bruce Lee said, “The usefulness of the cup is it’s emptiness”

It is only when we are empty that we can be filled with anything new. Being open and teachable means realizing there is always more to learn and being humble enough to embrace that when around other people.

With your EOE friend who struggles with this, you have three options.

1. You could have a mutually validating conversation where you ask questions about how he feels about your friendship first, then ask if he would be open to an observation if it came from love and wanting the friendship to be better. Then, using mostly “I” statements like: I have noticed … I feel … It would mean a lot to me if you would listen and try to respect my opinions a little more moving forward. Would you be open to that? There are worksheets on our website with more specific instructions for how to have these conversations.

2. If you don’t think you’d be comfortable addressing this directly or if you think he’d get defensive or mad, you could just decide to ignore it and love him as he is.

3. Or you could try what I call the “Encouragement Technique” and every chance you get mention how much you appreciate what a great listener he is, and how he validates, respects and honors everyone’s opinions. Even though this isn’t really accurate yet, showing someone the good behavior you know they are capable of often makes them want to be what you see.

This works because most people will want to live up to your highest opinion of them. Telling them they are the person they have the potential to be encourages them to choose that behavior.

If nothing you do changes your friend though, it might be a chance for you to grow in maturity, tolerance and love. Just choose to understand this is where he is and love him anyway.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the CEO of claritypointcoaching.com and the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" Nicole Cunningham is a master coach who works with teens and parents.

This was first published on KSL.COM

Question:

I am seriously overwhelmed and burned out, and I admit I complain about it more than I should. My spouse says she is tired of my childish drama about my problems and my discouragement. But is it drama if I really feel down and discouraged, and my life really is hard? She says I have a victim story that I’m stuck in, but this isn’t a story, my life really has been hard. That is truth, so I don’t think it’s a story. I’m not stuck either, I’m just going through a really rough time and I want people to cut me some slack. How can I handle my feelings about my life in a more mature way, though that won’t incite criticism or be seen as drama?

Answer:

I have no doubt your journey has been a rough one, and in some ways your trials justify a pity party and some complaining. The problem is you can't live there. Too much complaining about your troubles tends to make people lose respect for you and not like your company. They might feel sorry for you and give you sympathy love, but it won’t be the kind of love you are really after. Pity isn’t love.

It sounds to me like you haven’t had an opportunity to learn how to process emotions and consciously choose your mindset in a healthy way. Most people haven’t learned these skills, because they didn’t have parents who knew them and they don’t teach this stuff in school or church. The bottom line is, you can’t do better until you know better. So you just need some new skills.

You are also fighting your subconscious programming, which you adopted accidentally when you were just a small child. Many of your subconscious beliefs are fear-based and inaccurate, and they drive very immature behavior. Neuroscientists tell us 95 percent of our choices we make subconsciously. This means you are on autopilot most of the time and just reacting to life, not consciously choosing your behavior, which is why it might not be good.

Let me show you the difference between mature adult responses to life and emotions, and the childish reactions that are probably in your subconscious programming. You can test yourself on these and see how mature you show up:

1) Do you take things personally that really aren’t about you?

When a family member is unhappy, children assumes it’s their fault. When someone doesn’t like the food they made, they assume it’s personal and they aren’t good enough themselves. If someone disagrees with their opinion, they assume they aren’t valued.

If a family member is unhappy, mature adults care, but they also know it’s not their responsibility to fix it, because it’s out of their control. If someone doesn’t like the food they made, they realize it’s about the food, not about them. Adults don’t attach their value to their opinions, so they don’t take it personally if you disagree with them.

2) Do you feel jealous or threatened by other people’s successes?

A child sees a win for others as a loss for them. If mom says she is proud of a sibling, they assume she isn’t proud of them. A child is always watching to make sure things are fair and they aren’t getting less than anyone else.

Mature adults aren't jealous of others, because they see the universe as abundant, and a win for someone else doesn’t mean a loss for them. Adults aren't keeping score or expecting the universe to be fair. They understand they will always get their perfect classroom, and others will get theirs. They know life isn’t fair, but it is a wise teacher who knows what it’s doing.

3) Are you personally responsible for your emotions?

Children blame their emotions on events or other people. They think they can’t help feeling overwhelmed, angry or jealous. They think other people can make them sad. They also let emotions take over and become bigger and bigger. They can’t see that focusing on them and expressing them can make them worse. They haven't learned how to own responsiblity for any emotion. They don't get that every feeling is something you are choosing to feel.

Mature adults know they are responsible for how they choose to feel in every situation. They may get triggered and feel overwhelmed, angry or jealous, but they quickly realize being overwhelmed, angry or jealous is a choice. They can see when expressing emotion would just make it bigger and more painful. They don’t stuff emotions or suppress them either. They process through them, seeing the situation accurately and consciously choose how they want to feel and deal with this moment. Mature adults know that no one can make them feel anything. They can see that choosing suffering or misery doesn’t do any good.

4) Are you trusting the journey and being responsible for your part in a problem?

Children have temper tantrums when they don’t get what they want. They cry and yell and blame. They want things to be fair. They want to be in control of a situation and they feel “hard done by” when they don’t get the experience they wanted. They also like to blame others when things go wrong. (Well, he started it and I only hit back.) They don’t take responsibility for their part.

Mature adults don't resist “what is” but instead understand this exact situation is the right one to serve them and educate them in some way. They understand yelling and cursing (though it might feel good for a minute) doesn’t change anything and only makes them look immature. They let go of trying to control things they can’t control. They trust God and the universe know what they are doing. They know a victim mentality and feeling “hard done by” does no good and isn’t accurate. They embrace "what is" and look for the lessons in everything. They take personal responsibility for their part in every problem. They know they co-create their journey with the universe. They also understand if they are responsible, then they have power to change it. This might mean choosing to leave an abusive relationship, stepping up and changing their habits, or getting some professional help.

5) When you get offended, can you see being offended is a choice?

Children think being upset, hurt or offended by another is out of their control. They think having hurt feelings is a real wound. A child also thinks forgiving is hard and takes a long time.

Mature adults understand that offenses are just lessons and opportunities to stretch, love bigger and trust God (or the universe) at a deeper level. They know an offense doesn’t actually wound them, change their value or mean anything. It’s just a lesson and an opportunity to grow. They know forgiving is easy, as soon as you trust the classroom and see the experience as here to serve you.

6) Do you look for solutions to problems or just complain about them?

Children just like to complain to get sympathy. If they actually fixed the problem they wouldn’t have this great victim story and the pity love that comes with it. They would have to give that up and be strong and fine, which would mean less attention.

A mature adult knows that being respected is the foundation of real love. It’s hard to respect someone who has chosen weakness as a way to get validation. An adult would rather be strong and whole and focus on serving other people than be seen as weak and sad.

Now let's get real:

The reality is that we all behave like a child at times (myself included) because we are all functioning from our subconscious programming that was set in place when we were a child (most before we were 7 years old).

We all have to work to grow up every day. We must be committed to stepping back and looking at emotions, reactions and behavior honestly. Was that behavior childish? Was that who I really want to be? How could I trust the journey more and let go of anger, disappointment, self-pity, grudges and offenses? How could I take responsiblty for that behavior?

Make a commitment to upskill yourself this year and find a coach, counselor, class or seminar to help you break through the subconscious programming that is driving your bad behavior. There are lots of resources out there to help you, but the first (most important) step is owning that you need some better skills and tools. Drop the ego and the fear around asking for help. Asking for help is not weakness. Not asking for help because you are afraid of looking bad is weakness.

We are hosting a two-day Be Fearless seminar in January to help you break through the fears and problems that have held you back. We also offer private life coaching that might really help. Visit our website. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

Question:

I think my spouse loves me, but I’m not sure what we have is really love. It feels more like we need each other to make us feel good. Because of this we fight a lot and always feel disappointed by the other. I’m also confused about the way you talk about trusting the journey in your articles. I get that this is so we will stop getting bent out of shape when things don’t go our way. You write about trusting the universe that things are the way they are, for a reason. But I feel if I just trust the journey to give me what’s best for me, I will become too content and I won’t try to get what I want or need. That doesn’t feel right to me. Are you saying it’s healthy to trust the universe and just be happy with whatever I get? I also think I need help on the love side, because we are always unhappy with each other. Any advice would be great.

Answer:

You are confused on love and trust because you can see the far enemies, but you are missing the near enemies. Let me explain. Almost every emotion has a far-enemy that is it’s diametric opposite and a near-enemy that is a close counterfeit. The far-enemies are easy to spot, because they are so negative, but the near-enemies masquerade as good emotions, so they are tricky to see.

Here are some examples:

Compassion: Real compassion is empathy for a brother or sister (a soul like you) and their pain. It involves feeling their pain and truly wanting to lift it from them, because you care about their welfare. When I traveled to India I saw thousands of people who are suffering in great poverty for instance, and I felt great compassion for them.

The far-enemy of compassion is cruelty or not caring, even wishing harm on another person. This mean-spirited, unkind behavior is obviously negative and wrong. This would be going to India and seeing the poverty and not really caring or even mocking or rejecting the people.

The near-enemy of compassion though is pity. Pity looks and feels a lot like compassion except for one thing. It is seeing the other person as below you or less than you. You look down at them and their struggles from a subtle place of superiority. You might feel sorry for this person, more than you feel their pain with them. When it comes to compassion, you must check yourself to make sure you are seeing the other person as having the same value as you, regardless of what they are going through. In a Third World country you must check that you aren’t seeing the poor people as beneath you in any way (which is easy to do when people are dirty, poorly dressed or less educated). You have to watch for pity.

Love: This is caring about the welfare of another person more than your own. It is wanting them to have joy, security and peace regardless of what you get in return. Real love can only happen when you need nothing. If you come from an insecure, needy place where you don’t feel safe, valued or whole yourself, you aren’t capable of showing up with real love. Everything you give will have subconscious strings attached, because you need caring, validation or reassurance back from the other person.

The far-enemy of love is cruelty or hatred. This is obviously negative and is easy to spot.

The near-enemy of love is attachment or co-dependency. Here your actions towards a spouse look and even feel like love. The difference is that you are clingy, needy or dependent on getting what you need back from the other person. Overly attached spouses may be controlling, stifling or needy of time, attention or validation from their partner. You might need a great deal of attention or demonstrations of love from your spouse in order to feel safe and secure. You are giving so that you will then receive what you want. You must check your love on occasion to make sure it’s unconditional and has no strings attached. Make sure any loving service is given as a gift, expecting nothing in return. When you show up this way, your spouse will feel the authentic love and usually reciprocate.

Trust: Real trust is choosing to have confidence in the surety of something. When I talk about trusting God, the universe or the journey through life, I’m talking about trusting there is order, purpose and meaning in everything that happens. You can choose to trust God that things happen for a reason and everything that happens is here to serve you and your education. Real trust means you can set a goal and strive to reach it, working with passion and love towards what you want, but without devastating attachment to the outcome, because you trust the universe or God to always deliver what is best for you in the end. This creates equanimity (feeling the same peaceful feeling when things go wrong that you do when they go right). This can happen if you choose to trust God that he knows what he’s doing and choose to feel safe all the time.

The far-enemy of trust is fear. This is a feeling of being unsafe, insecure or at risk. From here you work like crazy to get the outcome or goal you’ve set, but you are without trust in something bigger than yourself, so you think everything depends on you and your efforts. You have no confidence in the universe or God to back you up. This is a stressful worrisome place to live from. It often includes dramatic, emotional reactions when things don’t go your way. It can include feelings of loss, mistreatment, jealousy or that life is unfair. Here you are overly attached to what you think the outcome should be, and the attachment sets you up for suffering and disappointment.

The near-enemy of trust is apathy or disconnection. These may look and feel like trust, because they are without stress or what feels like fear, but they are really still fear in disguise. Apathy is a choice to remain unattached or indifferent to outcomes, because it feels safer than caring. If you don’t care about the outcome, you can’t be hurt or disappointed. Here you aren’t upset if things go wrong, but it’s not because you trust a higher power is in charge, and this outcome must have purpose in your life. It’s just because you’ve become detached.

You don’t want to live motivated by fear and stress, but you also don’t want to get so detached that you don’t care either. Too content would mean not setting goals and working toward what you desire at all.

We recommend working hard and being very motivated to get or create what you desire, but doing it from a place of trust and love. This requires you to choose a perspective of trust with the universe that it is always conspiring to serve you and your growth. Trust it to work with your desires and choices to create your perfect classroom every day. Then, work like crazy to create what you want, from a place of passion and love for yourself, others, God or life. Be love motivated instead of fear motivated. You might want to download our free e–book on trust to help you get out of fear.

The more you trust God that you are good enough, because your value isn’t on the line and trust you are always safe in his hands, you will become more and more capable of real love. This happens because as your feelings of security, peace and confidence increase, your ability to give to others increases. Only a very secure person is capable of giving real love.

We strongly recommend that couples who aren’t happy in their marriages seek out individual coaching for each of them right away. If you would both work independently on your self-esteem and fear issues, you will find you can start giving real love and experiencing the richness of a healthy relationship.

You can do this. 

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

I have a difficult family problem. My wife has a daughter from her first marriage that is toxic, controlling, and alienating.  I am trying to be "the wise, mature, strong and loving adult” you talk about in your articles, but it’s really hard. And we coming up on the holidays, Christmas, and other special events and her daughter wants her mother there, but I am not welcome. My wife is even starting to get pulled in that direction and siding with her daughter, which really hurts. How do I handle this?  How do I heal our family?  How do we stop all the finger pointing and should I let my wife go or insist on being included?  

Answer:

Life is rough, it is no easy, rose garden endeavor and everywhere there are people, there are problems, drama, fighting and defensiveness. This is true because everyone on the planet is dealing with a huge amount of fear, which puts us in a selfish, needy, defensive, and protective state - where we are incapable of loving, wise behavior.

Our fears of failure and loss keep us focused, every day, on getting something (validation, reassurance, attention or a feeling of superiority) to quiet our fears. Until we get this, many of us have an empty bucket and nothing to give.
This sounds dismal, but understanding this truth will help you to see human behavior accurately (as fear-based) and get yourself into a better space where you can rise above it.
Many people, who suffer from deep subconscious fear they aren’t good enough, cast other people around them as the villain. If they can do this and stay focused on your bad, they won’t have to deal with their own bad behavior or feelings of inadequacy. Chances are pretty good this daughter has cast you as the bad guy, to make herself feel better or she is haveing fear of loss (losing her mother’s focus, attention and love). This might drive her to use guilt to manipulate or control her mother into siding with her. 

This happens a lot in blended families and can make everyone feel threatened and unsafe. But you can fight the fear in your family dynamics with strength and love. Here are three questions, which might change the way you see this situation and help you to be your best in spite of it:

1)Are you experiencing this situation for a reason? One of my hero’s is Viktor Frankl, who survived the concentration camps during World War II. During the midst of that horrible experience he asked himself this question, “Was it just random bad luck that I ended up here or did this happen for a reason, and there is meaning and purpose in my being here?”
After much thought, he decided there was no way to know for sure which might be truth. This left him with a powerful realization, when there is no way to know ultimate truth “We get to choose our perspective”.

You can choose to see your life as random chaos, and view others as having the power to take from you and even ruin your journey. You can experience pain and grief over this situation, or you can see life as a classroom and the universe as a wise teacher, who is co-creating your journey with you and every choice you make, to deiver the perfect educational experiences for you. This would mean this whole situation is here to bless you.

Frankl said, “Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose” in how you see them. When you decide to see any situation as here to serve you in some way, you will suffer less and take things less personally. You may even be grateful for it.

You have the opportunity (if you choose it) to see this daughter is your perfect teacher. She is in your life for the same reason everything else is in your life – to grow you, to help you become stronger, wiser or more loving toward yourself and others. 

This is the real purpose of everything in your life.  When you get this, you will feel better about the situation.

2)How can I be a hero and turn this mess into a human achievement? The amazing Viktor Frankl decided to see his circumstance as having purpose and meaning (to grow him in some way). He decided if he was here for a reason, then he must turn this horrible situation into a human achievement of some kind. He could do this by choosing to stay in trust and love, and help and serve others every day, which was absolutely heroic in those circumstances. 

He was dwelling deep in human fear and suffering, which meant there was a great deal of selfishness, anger and hate around him. It would have been easy to embrace negative thoughts and behavior. I am sure it took every ounce of power he had to stay in a place of love, but he proved it can be done. 
We can rise with love, amidst hate and conflict. We have the power to behave with grace and strength when things go bad or people attack us. Remember we are eternal beings having a interesting educational experience here, but we cannot really be diminished or destroyed. Ultimately we are safe in God’s hands the entire time, and our infinite, absolute value cannot change. Therefore there is nothing to fear.

When we remember this and choose a fearless mindset, we can become a hero in any situation. We can dig deep for the love and strength (that is our true nature) and love our enemies, give to those that curse us, and even stay peaceful through an attack. We do this not because we are a doormat, but because we know they can’t really hurt us.

“Human potential at its best, is to transform a tragedy into a personal triumph, to turn one's predicament into a human achievement.”  - Viktor Frankl

You can do this too. Choose to view this situation as a story. Years from now someone will read this story and come upon this chapter (from today moving forward). What do you want them to read about you and how to handled this from today moving forward? Take the time to put write this story on paper and detail how you (the hero) will rise from here.

You might choose love towards your wife and her daughter no matter how they choose to treat you. You could ask them what would make them happy and if they choose to go alone, let them, without feeling slighted at all. But you must do this as a gift of love, not to claim moral high ground and beat them with your righteousness.  You must take a completely generous, non-needy stance, showing them you are fine and will still stand in love towards them, no matter what they choose. This might make them see their unloving behavior and own it (but that cannot be your agenda).

Another possibility is that this lesson for you is about learning how to have mutually validating conversations so you can talk this through with your wife and daughter. There is a great worksheet on our website to help you with this. We also teach a relationship skills class each month, where we can show you how to have loving, mutually validating conversations and good boundaries so you can work through any problem.

3)    What is in my control? You cannot control how other people think, feel or behave. You cannot make people like you or care about you. The only thing in your control is what you think, feel and do. You asked me, “How do I heal our family?” - the truth is you can’t, but you can heal yourself.

Viktor Frankl said, “Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.”  

Make this your focus every day. Heal yourself by turning anger over to God and choosing peace. Make some plans with your friends or family and show you wife and daughter what love really is. Love never forces or demands, or defends or attacks. It just says “I want you to be happy and I know I’m whole, loved and right on track in my classroom journey no matter what you choose.” 

Choose to see your wife and her daughter as innocent, struggling, scared, students, doing the best they can with what they know (they may need more education, which you can trust the universe to supply right on time.)  
Be the hero in this story by choosing an accurate perspective (that you have nothing to fear), strong thinking (based in principles of truth), and loving behavior (that is unselfish and giving). These are the only things in your control and you will at least be proud of yourself and like who you are. 
​
You can do this. 

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

My mother is extremely dramatic and easy to offend. She creates drama and problems in our family all the time because she handles things so immaturely. I can see that in some ways I’m starting to become like her too. But I’ve watched this my whole life and I don’t want to behave that way? How can I break the cycle and learn to handle life better than she does?

Answer:

You are talking about being an emotional mature person, who responds to life appropriately with strength and wisdom. Some people were lucky enough to have emotionally mature parents, who taught them how to see situations accurately, process emotions logically and respond maturely, but it sounds like you didn’t get that, so you will have to find better tools, skills and techniques to help you break the cycle.

Your mother is doing the best she can with what she knows though, she just doesn’t know a better way to handle herself. She is running on autopilot with her subconscious programming running the show.

Neuroscientists tell us the 95 percent of our choices we make subconsciously. This means most of the time instead of consciously choosing our behavior, we are just unconsciously reacting. The scary part is that most of our reactions come from ideas, conclusions, procedures and rules we learned before we were 7 years old. They say from 0 to 7 are the formative years where we set our beliefs about ourselves, people and life. Then the rest of our lives we can react the way we learned as a child.

You can break the cycle of immature behavior, though, and learn how to respond more accurately and appropriately. You can develop what we call CLARITY (the ability to see yourself, other people and situations accurately). You can gain better techniques, tools and skills in the area of human behavior, but you might need some professional help to get you there.

You can download an Emotional Maturity Test on my website to see where you are and what skills you need to become more mature.

Here are 14 ways to strengthen your emotional maturity:

1. Practice a pause. Pause before you respond to any situation. Let go of your first emotional response and ask yourself, “Are there any other options, which might produce better results than this first reaction will? Put your options on paper and think through what each one will create and if that is what you want.
2. Remember we all have the same value. Work on being less judgmental and remind yourself that everyone is in a different class (in the classroom of life) than you are, but we all have the same intrinsic worth.
3. Practice putting yourself in another person’s shoes. Figure out what they are afraid of and see how fear is driving their behavior and what they need to feel safe. If you can give reassurance or validation first, to quiet their fears, the rest of the interaction will go better.
4. Let go of your need to be right. It is very immature to need to win every argument. Practice agreeing to disagree and not needing to have the last word.
5. Be more flexible. When you don’t get your way you react from a fear of loss, which is selfish and controlling. Whenever you are overly attached to your expectations you are setting yourself up to suffer. Be more willing to trust the universe that whatever experience it brings, it is here to serve you in some way. Go with the flow more often.
6. Choose gratitude. In every moment of your life there will be things to complain about, but even more to be grateful for. Your mood depends on where you focus. Choose to focus on what’s right more than what’s wrong.
7. Be quick to apologize for any bad behavior. The more real, authentic and vulnerable you are, the better your connections with others will be. Don’t try to look perfect, it pushes people away from you. People want to know you’re flawed and genuine – they feel safer with you if you are.
8. Work on your Self-Esteem and how you value yourself. This is the most important thing you can do for better relationships, because fear of failure creates such immature behavior. Choose to see your intrinsic value (and everyone else’s) as unchangeable and equal, because life is a classroom, not a test.
9. Be committed to personal growth. Accept that you will always have more to learn. Be open and teachable in every moment. The universe is constantly conspiring to educate you. When you see every experience as a lesson, you show up wiser and more mature.
10. Handle disappointments with grace. Life is going to disappoint you, and often. Get used to it. Choose to trust that there is a reason for every experience and that the universe knows what it’s doing. The less you resist “what is” the less you will suffer.
11. Be more personally responsible. Whatever situations you are experiencing in your life, at some level you are responsible for them. You may be a victim to some degree, but are you now choosing to stay there? When you own responsibility you also own the power to change things. If you a victim of circumstance, you are powerless. Claim the power to create something different in your life.
12. Be a thinker not a reactor. Nathaniel Branden wrote an amazing book called "The Psychology of Self-Esteem." In his book he explains that as human beings we are destined to be thinkers, not instinctive reactors. When we react without thinking, with little awareness of others, or from a place of fear, we will end up hating ourselves. He believes it is only when we gain control of ourselves and our emotions and learn to think through situations and respond rationally, that we like ourselves.
13. Practice basing behavior on principles not emotions. Braden says psychological maturity is the ability to think about principles, not emotions. Psychological immaturity is being overtaken with emotion and losing sight of the bigger picture. He says, “Only if we have a rational approach to our emotions can we be free of paralyzing self-doubt, depression and fear.” You may need to sit down and put on paper what your values and principles are and how you are going to live them.
14. Create new healthy policies and procedures. In my book Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness, at the end of every chapter you are asked to write a personal policy (principle) or a procedure (process) that will help you respond to situations more logically and maturely. You have to write a policy about and how your value is determined, a procedure for handling situations when someone offends you and a process to run through in your mind to help you calm down when upset (and many more). The first step to more mature behavior is to change your personal policies and beliefs.

Don't be discouraged if this feels difficult to do at first. Many of my clients initially feel it is impossible to change, but I promise: You can do it. It just takes education and a lot of practice.

Set a small goal to work on one aspect of your emotional maturity each week. Put a reminder (as your wallpaper on your phone) to remind you. If you work on it one piece at a time, you will get there. I also recommend you find a coach or counsellor to help though. A little professional guidance goes a long way.

You can do this.
​
Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach, speaker and people skills expert.