This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

My family and friends take me for granted, expect me to drop my agenda at their request and help them and speak to me often with disrespect. They also borrow money and don’t repay it. Why does this happen to me so often? Do I invite it? Even when I bring it up or hint that they aren’t treating me right, they just get bothered with me. How do I change this and get people to treat me right?

Answer:

I do have some suggestions for you. If you are going to earn your friends' and family’s respect and change the way they treat you, you must start accepting responsibility for what is happening. You are inviting this. People are treating you badly because you let them.

You teach the world how to treat you — by what you allow. You probably have a great deal of subconscious fear that you aren’t good enough (almost all of us do). This can make us subconsciously believe that other people have more value than us and are more important than us. That is usually the real reason we give too much, sacrifice ourselves and lend money so willingly. We subconsciously think these other people matter more than we do and if you send that idea out into the world, people feel it and treat you accordingly.

If you don’t think you’re important, they won’t either.

Right now you have a doormat, victim mentality and your main focus is on other people’s behavior towards you. If you want this to change, you must focus on your behavior. You must take responsibility for your part in this problem. You are allowing it. You are too generous and you are not taking care of yourself.

This behavior isn’t generosity and love, it is weakness and insecurity, and these always lead to being taken advantage of and taken for granted. You can still be a nice person though, you just have to do it in a balanced way, where you are also nice to yourself.

It’s time for you to own that you are responsible for creating this, so you can change it. If it’s all on them, you have to wait around for them to change. Your life will change faster if you work on you.

You must start with healthy boundaries and a healthy balance between serving others and taking care of yourself. You must say no more often and speak your truth when someone treats you badly, and you must learn to do this from a space of trust and love, so you aren’t mean or selfish. You can learn to come from a space of strength and love at the same time.

First, I want you to be aware of the benefits of your victim mentality and why you might subconsciously like being here. You must make sure you are clinging to these:

1. A victim story earns you sympathy love, attention and validation when you complain. Can you let go of a need for this?
   
   
   
2. It might make you feel righteous when you are self-sacrificing and you might need that righteous feeling to feel good about yourself. Can you appreciate strength and balance in yourself instead?
   
   
   
3. A victim story may also help your self-esteem at the ego level, because self-pity paints a picture where you are the good guy and others are the bad ones. This might temporarily make you feel better about yourself, but it is counterfeit self-worth, it’s more about superiority more than self-esteem. Are you ready to stop casting them as the bad ones and see all humans as the same?
   
   
   
4. The self-pity story excuses your bad behavior back. If you treat them badly back you can justify that, if you are the victim — but this is again not being responsible for your part. Are you ready to start behaving better yourself?
   
   
   
5. You may feel safe and secure when others are happy (which means you’re co-dependent) so you’re willing to sacrifice yourself to have the approval from others. Are you ready to drop your need for approval in exchange for respect
   
   

Take a minute and own if you might be enjoying those benefits on any level. Then, ask yourself these questions.

• Do I really want these or do I want respect and better treatment?
• Am I ready to have a healthy balance and let others occasionally deal with disappointment when I say no (which will be their perfect journey and good for them)?
• Am I ready to start teaching the world that I have value too?

Debbie Macomber in her book, "Mrs. Miracle," said, “It’s all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are finished.” This behavior is not serving you and it's time to change it. It is time to stop playing the victim and start standing up for yourself. I wrote an article titled "How to Say What You Mean Without Being Mean" and one on "Enforcing Boundaries" you might want to read. These will help you to change this behavior.

If you are still struggling with speaking your truth, I would also some life coaching or counseling. You need to learn how to have mutually validating conversations so you can discuss issues without fear, defensiveness or drama. There is a free worksheet on my website that explains how, though.

There may also be some of you, who are experiencing actual mental, emotional or even physical abuse in your relationship. You may even be so used to this bad behavior it might seem normal and acceptable. If you suspect you are allowing abusive behavior, please read this article to recognize what is unacceptable behavior.

If you think you are experiencing abuse, you also need to seek out some professional help right away. You should not stay in a relationship where abuse is happening, unless the abuser is getting help and making serious improvements.

Keep working to have a healthy balance of care. Sometimes sacrifice to serve others and sometimes you say no and take care of you. Speak up for yourself about mistreatment and what you need, but you do it in a way that validates the other person’s needs too.

I realize changing yourself at this level will mean getting outside your comfort zone a bit and learning some new skills, but that’s what you are in the classroom of life to do.

You can do this.

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

Question:

My life is a mess right now with problem after problem. The future looks frankly pretty dark and I'm struggling to even want to get out of bed in the morning. I honestly feel that I have an unfair share of troubles, and these situations look pretty hopeless and I'm really finding myself mad at God too. You often write that we should trust God, but in my opinion he has dropped the ball and is not doing me much good. I don't trust him anymore and I can't because things just keep getting worse. Any other advice to help me handle the mess of a life I've been dealt?

Answer:

I'm sorry your classroom journey is so rough right now. You are feeling badly not only because of the negative situations you are experiencing but also because of how you are thinking about them.

The most important thing to understand right now is everything you are feeling comes from your acquired perspective. But the way you are seeing your situation and feeling about it is never your only option. There are other ways to look at this, which might completely change how you feel.

I understand if you are skeptical about this, because bad situations are still bad no matter how you see them, but believe it or not, seeing them in a new way can give you hope, add meaning to the experiences and even lessen the suffering to some degree.

Right now your perspective on your life is coming mostly from your subconscious programming, and it might be pretty fear-based, negative and limited in scope. This happens because most of our subconscious programming is adopted before we are 5 years old. Hence, we can sometimes see life through a very immature, powerless and simple lens.

The question is are you open to looking at your situation from a new perspective? Are you open to changing your mindset around what the hard experiences you are going through mean? Are you open to letting go of your victim story?

I ask that because some of us get attached to our victim stories. They can buy us sympathy love and can even at times excuse immature behavior. Some of us are afraid we can’t change and aren't even sure we want to.

I'm hoping, since you wrote to me, you are ready to pull yourself out of this negative mindset and create some happiness in your life in spite of the hardships.

Helen Keller (who had it pretty bad) said: "Although the world is very full of suffering, it is also very full of the overcoming of it."

She had a very interesting perspective on troubles and because her challenges were so great, she has some credibility to me on this subject. In her book "Light in Darkness" she wrote, "I thank God for my handicaps, for through them I have found myself, my work and my God."

She chose to see God as the author of all things and could therefore choose to see meaning and purpose in the difficult circumstances he created for her. That is one new perspective option, but it requires you to see God’s ultimate purpose being our education and growth. It also requires you giving him the benefit of the doubt that every experience you get is really there to serve, strengthen and educate you.

You could choose to see the universe is a wise teacher, who knows that in order to learn we have to understand the depths of both good and evil, joy and suffering, trust and fear. The universe therefore provides us a whole spectrum of interesting human experiences, many of which are not real pleasant. But the purpose in everything is to serve you, educate you and make you better, wiser and more loving.

I believe the universe works with our agency and choices to co-create (with us) our perfect classroom with all the lessons we need. I believe most of the tough classes I sign up for were my choices, but there are also others I don’t remember signing up for.

Some of these trials I believe are created by a wise universe that knows exactly what I will need to learn so I can accomplish my mission in life. Being mad at the universe for sending these lessons won't change anything. Being grateful for these challenges is hard, but I find it feels best when I practice trust.

I say practice, because I'm not perfect at it, but I understand that it is a choice. Trusting the process of life (that the universe is on my side and trying to bless me with these challenges) is a choice I get to make every minute of every day. This moment is the only moment I have the power in, but I find it serves me because the only other option is anger, jealousy, regret, discouragement and disappointment, and they create low energy that drains me and makes me feel even worse.

One of my favorite stories about this comes from Jon Mundy in his book "Living a Course in Miracles." He tells about a man stranded from a shipwreck on an island who prayed feverishly for rescue. For days he scanned the horizons and saw nothing. Given his circumstances he made the best of what he had and built a shelter and started a fire to cook food. He built a life for himself there and turned his hut into a home. One day while he was out scavenging for food, some embers caught the home on fire and the worst thing happened, he lost everything. On top of being alone and stranded he had now lost everything he had. Stunned with grief and anger he cried out, "How could you do this to me! Why this on top of everything else!"

The next day he was awakened to the sound of a boat approaching the island. "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man.

"We saw your smoke signal," came the reply.

The trick is trusting that the universe knows what it’s doing while you watch your house burn down. I realize this isn't easy, but it is worth the practice because it does lessen the suffering somewhat. Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor (who also has some credibility with me in the suffering department) said the people who handled Auschwitz best were those who saw purpose and meaning in their being there. He said, "Suffering ceases to be suffering when it finds meaning." What he meant was that seeing life as a perfect classroom at least gives every experience meaning and purpose. It changes your perspective in a profound way that does help.

If people like Helen Keller and Viktor Frankl could find meaning and purpose in the challenges of their lives, and if it helped them, I think it will work for us. Here are some other tips for getting through the rough parts of the journey:

1. Write down 10 positives each problem might create in your life. (Viktor Frankl and the Holocaust survivors used this very exercise and they came up with things like a greater appreciation for small blessings, more empathy for those who suffer, a beautiful desire to make every moment count.) If they can do this, you can do this.

2. Focus on what’s right, not just what’s wrong. Practice gratitude daily for your blessings however small they are. There is a great worksheet on my website to help you see how the blessings outweigh the troubles all the time (The Nature of Life Worksheet).

3. Focus on others. Lose yourself in the service of others. Find others who have it just as bad or worse — there are plenty of them. The more you focus on people who have it worse, the better you feel.

4. Write the way you want this story to end. If your life was a book or movie, what do want to see happen next? Sit down and write out a story where the hero (you) handles this challenging time and rises above it and ends up victorious. Write out how you could accomplish this and what frame of mind it might require right now. Set an intention to choose this path moving forward. Sometimes just seeing a way through gives you hope. Then stay in trust no matter what happens that the universe knows best and is trying to strengthen you.

You can do this.

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

Question:

I'm having a hard time with this shooting in Orlando and wondering if you have any suggestions to processing the feelings this is bringing up and helping those in my family who are really upset to work through it. Do you have some advice?

Answer:

When horrible things like the Orlando shootings happen, we find ourselves asking questions like, "How do I even process this horrific event? Why do things like this happen? Could this happen to us?" You and your family may experience a wide variety of emotions, things like anger, sadness, discouragement or fear.

Here are some ideas that might help you and your family members process what you are feeling around this tragedy and do something constructive in response:

1. Choose to see life as a classroom. If life is a classroom, then every experience that happens here happens to teach us something, strengthen us or increase our love. We are here on the planet to experience every dimension of the human condition, which includes wonderful good things and some horrible evil. Many of these lessons and experiences are painful, costly and hard to understand. But we only have two mindset options when the rough stuff happens. We can trust God and the universe there is reason and purpose in evil and do our best to grow from it, or we can doubt and despair. Since we get to freely choose our perspective, we should choose one that creates peace.
   
   
2. All men have agency and it has to be this way. We must have agency if we are to learn, but for agency to exist, evil has to exist. If the universe interfered or thwarted every evil act from happening, there would be no agency and no learning. We are here to have a full good-and-evil human experience, and that requires people being able to make terrible choices. Just understanding this brings some level of clarity.
   
   
3. We aren’t supposed to understand specifically why some bad things happen. The universe has a good reason for keeping us in the dark too. We are better off not knowing the reason for everything, and here is why. Right now you are truly, deeply bothered and upset by these horrible events — as you should be.
   
   If you understood the reason why this had to happen, if the mystery was solved and you understood it, you might make peace with the horror of the situation. You might not be appalled by it. That would be even worse than what you are experiencing now. Watching this kind of evil and not being moved by the horror of it — not questioning and feeling pain — would take away what makes you human.
   
   Aron Moss wrote a wonderful article on this topic in which he explains, “Worse than innocent people suffering is others watching their suffering unmoved. And that's exactly what would happen if we were to understand why innocents suffer. We would no longer be bothered by their cry, we would no longer feel their pain, because we would understand why it was happening.” Moss said, “Imagine you are in a hospital and you hear a woman screaming with pain. Outside her room, her family is standing around chatting, all smiling and happy. You scream at them, 'What's wrong with you? Can't you hear how much pain she is in?' They answer, 'This is the delivery ward. She is having a baby.' When you have an explanation, the pain doesn't seem so bad anymore. We can tolerate suffering when we know why it is happening."
   
   So the question we must focus on isn’t “Why do these bad things happen?” but “What do we do when bad things happen?”
   
   
4. Choose trust. Trust the universe that it knows what it's doing. Choose to believe that even the things we can’t understand (in the end) will serve us for good somehow. Trusting the universe and seeing it as a wise teacher who is constantly conspiring to educate us will bring peace.
   
   
5. Do as much good as possible. Let these events make you a better, kinder and more loving person. Instead of trying to answer unanswerable questions, turn your grief into a force for good in your home and community.
   
   Speak out against injustice and cruelty. Stand up for the underdog. Make sure those who are different from you still feel loved and cared about. Love all people more passionately and take action to alleviate suffering wherever you can. See all human beings as having the same infinite value and stand up for those who are mistreated.
   
   Moss also said, “We don't really want answers, we don't want explanations, and we don't want closure. … We want an end to suffering … but we [shouldn't] leave it up to God to alleviate suffering. … He is waiting for us to do it. That's what we are here for.”
   
   

If you want to honor the memory of those killed or injured in these horrific circumstances, then be a force for love in the world. Perform random acts of kindness, pay it forward and love everyone around you.

I’ve noticed when tragedy strikes it upsets me, but it also increases my love for people (even people I don’t know). I suddenly discover my love for my fellow human beings, and it is always much deeper than I realized.

As you process the painful, sad emotions this week, also watch for unexpected tender feelings of love, both toward the people who were hurt and toward your friends, family and even strangers. This heightened sense of love is an amazing and beautiful thing and it is a good thing to focus on.

Think back to the months following 9/11. Do you remember how connected you felt to your fellow Americans? Do you remember how suddenly our differences seemed smaller and the things we had in common seemed bigger? Let this happen to you this week. Focus on your love for your fellow human beings.

To honor those whose lives have been cut short this week, let’s make the most of our lives and fill the world with love on their behalf.

We can do this.

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert.

Question:

I have a co-worker who is driving me crazy. He is super competitive and he constantly puts us all down to make himself feel more important. He is subtle with his insults too, and assumes we will take them as joke. He brown noses the boss too and takes credit for other people’s ideas. The boss doesn’t see what is happening and is apparently impressed by him. I know it’s pointless to try to talk to the guy, I’ve kind of tried in the past and he’s not interested in getting feedback from anyone. Is there anything I can do to make him stop being a jerk or get him to just be nice? If not, can you tell me how to survive dealing with him every day?

Answer:

I’m going to give you a couple different ideas here (and these suggestions will work for anyone who has a difficult person in their life.)

The first technique is to have a mutually validating conversation and directly ask for different behavior. This works great if the other person is rational, calm, logical and capable of actually caring about you. But if you are dealing with a toxic person, who may even have narcissistic or sociopathic tendencies, you can’t get anywhere with conversation.

You could then try the encouragement technique (explained below) because it sometimes makes toxic people actually want to change themselves, but most of the time you are going to end up at option No. 3 to work on yourself and become really chill and unoffendable.

One thing to keep in mind, no matter which option you choose, is that rude people who insult others, are overly competitive, show-offs, know-it-alls or brown-nosers are usually battling a lot of fear they aren’t good enough.

It is terrible fear of failure and insecurity that makes them need to appear better than others. It will really change how you feel about this situation if you see this person accurately as scared, not just rude.

Then, one thing you can try (along with the three options below) is validating, reassuring and building up this person as much as you can. Praise them and tell them how wonderful, amazing and good they are. Even though this is the last thing you want to give people who treat you badly, it is exactly what they need.

Sometimes when they get some validation they will feel better and won’t need to put you down anymore. So keep that in mind with each of the following suggestions.

Remember people are always more motivated to change when we show them their light than when we point out their faults. People who feel good about themselves are also more loving, positive and giving towards others

Here are my three suggestions to solve this problem:

1) Have a mutually validating conversation with them

Follow these steps for best results:

1. Figure out the outcome you want. What kind of behavior change do you want to ask this person for? Pick one specific thing that they could do differently. (Stop being a jerk is not specific enough.) Asking for him to be careful to give appropriate credit for ideas moving forward is better.
   
   
2. Choose the right time. Make sure you choose a time and space to have a private, uninterrupted conversation. Ask them if this is a good time and if they are open to chatting with you.
   
   
3. Be calm. People can read your emotions and your energy. If you are angry, scared or upset when you talk, they will feel threatened and get defensive before the conversation even starts. Set your angry, nervous feelings aside, trust that your value is absolute and can’t be diminished. Trust this experience is here to teach you both something and come from a space of trust and confidence so you approach them without nerves.
   
   
4. Set your agenda aside upfront and focus on showing up for the other person first.
   
   
5. Ask questions about how they feel about your working relationship and life at the office. Actively listen to how they feel and whatever they have to say. Do not get defensive or upset about anything they say, just validate their right to see the situation the way they do. (Nothing they say can hurt you.) Even ask if they have any suggestions on how you can improve. Being open to getting feedback creates a safe space where you can ask permission to give some feedback later on. Make sure they feel heard and understood before going forward.
   
   
6. Then, ask if you can ask them a favor. When they say yes (and they usually will because you have earned it after listening to them) try to phrase your needs using “I” statements as much as possible and avoid “you” statements. Say things like “I have felt … I have noticed … It feels to me that … and I was wondering if you would be willing to do this for me moving forward … it would really mean a lot to me.” Ask for the behavior you want to see moving forward and stay focused on their future behavior. Don’t talk about the past, it just makes them defensive and they can’t change it.
   
   If they are logical and rational, a conversation like this might work. If not try the next technique.
   
   

2) The encouragement technique

This is a great way to go if this person can’t handle a direct conversation. First, figure out the behavior you would like to see in this person. Then, think about how you would treat him and what you would say to him if he behaved this way. Then start doing and saying these things now.

Example: "John, I just want you to know how great it is to work with you. You are so careful and respectful to all of us and so kind. I just want you to know I appreciate you man."

This might make John want to be that kind of person, because people always want to live up to your highest opinion of them. Also, when you see the highest best in people you literally push them in that direction.

Then, every time he does anything good, jump right on it and tell him how awesome, honest or humble he is. (Focus on the qualities or kind of person you want him to think he is, not the specific behavior.) This isn’t lying, it’s showing him who he has the potential to be.

(And this technique works great on kids too.)

3) Ignore the bad behavior and work on you

When you are dealing with someone whose fears, insecurities or even a mental condition makes them really impossible and toxic to deal with, there is really nothing you can do to change them or get them to care what you need.

In these situations all you can do is work on you. Practice being strong, bulletproof and in trust so no person can diminish your value with anything they do or say. You can see this experience as an amazing personal development opportunity to make you better and stronger.

You can choose to see every situation in your life as a perfect lesson the universe has brought you. Ask yourself what dealing with this person could teach you? How could it make you stronger, smarter or wiser?

See every day as a chance to practice being the most balanced, unoffendable, confident, wise person you can be. If you do this consistently others will sense the truth about who you are, and goodness, confidence, wisdom and hard work do get noticed. Eventually the truth about who you are will come through.

You can do this.

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a life coach, speaker and people skills expert.