Stop letting People Mistreat You

This was first published on KSL.com

Question:

My family and friends take me for granted, expect me to drop my agenda at their request and help them and speak to me often with disrespect. They also borrow money and don’t repay it. Why does this happen to me so often? Do I invite it? Even when I bring it up or hint that they aren’t treating me right, they just get bothered with me. How do I change this and get people to treat me right?

Answer:

I do have some suggestions for you. If you are going to earn your friends' and family’s respect and change the way they treat you, you must start accepting responsibility for what is happening. You are inviting this. People are treating you badly because you let them.

You teach the world how to treat you — by what you allow. You probably have a great deal of subconscious fear that you aren’t good enough (almost all of us do). This can make us subconsciously believe that other people have more value than us and are more important than us. That is usually the real reason we give too much, sacrifice ourselves and lend money so willingly. We subconsciously think these other people matter more than we do and if you send that idea out into the world, people feel it and treat you accordingly.

If you don’t think you’re important, they won’t either.

Right now you have a doormat, victim mentality and your main focus is on other people’s behavior towards you. If you want this to change, you must focus on your behavior. You must take responsibility for your part in this problem. You are allowing it. You are too generous and you are not taking care of yourself.

This behavior isn’t generosity and love, it is weakness and insecurity, and these always lead to being taken advantage of and taken for granted. You can still be a nice person though, you just have to do it in a balanced way, where you are also nice to yourself.

It’s time for you to own that you are responsible for creating this, so you can change it. If it’s all on them, you have to wait around for them to change. Your life will change faster if you work on you.

You must start with healthy boundaries and a healthy balance between serving others and taking care of yourself. You must say no more often and speak your truth when someone treats you badly, and you must learn to do this from a space of trust and love, so you aren’t mean or selfish. You can learn to come from a space of strength and love at the same time.

First, I want you to be aware of the benefits of your victim mentality and why you might subconsciously like being here. You must make sure you are clinging to these:

1. A victim story earns you sympathy love, attention and validation when you complain. Can you let go of a need for this?
   
   
   
2. It might make you feel righteous when you are self-sacrificing and you might need that righteous feeling to feel good about yourself. Can you appreciate strength and balance in yourself instead?
   
   
   
3. A victim story may also help your self-esteem at the ego level, because self-pity paints a picture where you are the good guy and others are the bad ones. This might temporarily make you feel better about yourself, but it is counterfeit self-worth, it’s more about superiority more than self-esteem. Are you ready to stop casting them as the bad ones and see all humans as the same?
   
   
   
4. The self-pity story excuses your bad behavior back. If you treat them badly back you can justify that, if you are the victim — but this is again not being responsible for your part. Are you ready to start behaving better yourself?
   
   
   
5. You may feel safe and secure when others are happy (which means you’re co-dependent) so you’re willing to sacrifice yourself to have the approval from others. Are you ready to drop your need for approval in exchange for respect
   
   

Take a minute and own if you might be enjoying those benefits on any level. Then, ask yourself these questions.

• Do I really want these or do I want respect and better treatment?
• Am I ready to have a healthy balance and let others occasionally deal with disappointment when I say no (which will be their perfect journey and good for them)?
• Am I ready to start teaching the world that I have value too?

Debbie Macomber in her book, "Mrs. Miracle," said, “It’s all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are finished.” This behavior is not serving you and it's time to change it. It is time to stop playing the victim and start standing up for yourself. I wrote an article titled "How to Say What You Mean Without Being Mean" and one on "Enforcing Boundaries" you might want to read. These will help you to change this behavior.

If you are still struggling with speaking your truth, I would also some life coaching or counseling. You need to learn how to have mutually validating conversations so you can discuss issues without fear, defensiveness or drama. There is a free worksheet on my website that explains how, though.

There may also be some of you, who are experiencing actual mental, emotional or even physical abuse in your relationship. You may even be so used to this bad behavior it might seem normal and acceptable. If you suspect you are allowing abusive behavior, please read this article to recognize what is unacceptable behavior.

If you think you are experiencing abuse, you also need to seek out some professional help right away. You should not stay in a relationship where abuse is happening, unless the abuser is getting help and making serious improvements.

Keep working to have a healthy balance of care. Sometimes sacrifice to serve others and sometimes you say no and take care of you. Speak up for yourself about mistreatment and what you need, but you do it in a way that validates the other person’s needs too.

I realize changing yourself at this level will mean getting outside your comfort zone a bit and learning some new skills, but that’s what you are in the classroom of life to do.

You can do this.

Kimberly Giles is the president of claritypointcoaching.com. She is the author of the book "Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness" and a popular life coach, speaker and people skills expert.